I probably shouldn't be allowed to name chapters...

Chapter 19: Heart of Darkness

"Things are fantastic here!" Oriana's face beamed at Miranda's through the terminal's display. "You wouldn't believe some of the cool tech they're working on! Well, actually you probably would. You've got a Q.E.C. and everything. I'd tell you all about it, but it's super-secret." She mimed a shush gesture with one finger over her lips.

"I'm glad you're enjoying yourself. Your parents are doing well?"

"I think so. The move was a little rough for them, mostly because it was such short notice. They've more or less adjusted though. Dad's "back in the groove" at work, according to him. He's such a dork." She grinned.

"How is working for the Alliance?" Miranda inquired.

"Not at all like I expected. I mean, I'm mostly working with scientists and engineers, not combat soldiers. They're all very friendly, and boy do they know their stuff. There's one guy here who says he helped with the design for the original Normandy. The one your buddy Shepard captained a few years ago?"

"Ahem… I'm familiar with it." Miranda replied.

"Pretty amazing. The turians collaborated on it, of course, but a lot of the innovations were human."

"So what do they have you doing exactly?"

"Well, I've only been here about a week, so I'm still in training. I got paired up with an Alliance specialist who's showing me the ropes. She's actually almost as new as me; she just finished university on an Alliance scholarship."

"I see. In any event, I'm pleased to hear you're settling in so well."

"I am, I really am." Her younger sibling paused. "Listen Miri, I know you can't or don't want to talk about what you're doing, but is it almost done? When will I be able to see you again?"

Just like that, the atmosphere had changed. "I'm… not sure. We've hit a bit of a roadblock, and I have no way of knowing when we'll get past it."

"There is an end though, right? I know it's only been a few weeks, but the way you talk sometimes, it's like you're not expecting to come back."

Miranda grappled with how to respond. "We have an objective. It's just sometimes hard to see a clear path."

"You better make sure that path includes a way back. I just got you in my life; I refuse to let some 'objective' take you away."

Miranda smiled, but her heart wasn't in it. "I'll do my best."

They passed the rest of the time Oriana had discussing lighter topics, but the underlying mood somehow failed to improve much for the rest of the call. As Miranda closed the chat window on her terminal, she found herself at a loss for how to occupy herself. It had been days since the Normandy had a mission. Shepard had resolved the situation with Tali promptly of course. To hear Garrus tell it, Shepard had browbeaten the Quarian Admiralty board into compliance with a popular appeal. This was after a small squad led by Shepard and Tali had liberated a Quarian ship from an infestation of Geth. Just another day on the Normandy.

That said, this day, and the last few before it, had been decidedly dull. It had been some time since their last lead and with all crew matters resolved they were left without an active mission. The Normandy had responded to a distress call the day before and saved a crashing ship which had been commandeered by Geth, but even this act of heroism seemed perfunctory. They'd been preparing for the mission to take down the Collectors for so long to have it grind to a halt over a mere lack of leads was incredibly frustrating.

The only upside was that during the downtime Miranda had been able to spend a fair amount of time with Shepard, alone. Sometimes they would do something together, other times they would simply go about their business (usually busywork for Miranda and equipment maintenance for Shepard) together in her cabin. Seeing that the next solar cycle was likely to be bereft of activity Miranda's mind began to drift to their next encounter.

It was actually unusual for this much downtime to pass without Shepard contacting her. Still, perhaps it was her turn to take the initiative for once. Enjoying time with the commander didn't mean she could become complacent after all. Miranda closed down her terminal and exited her cabin. There wasn't much activity in the mess hall. Gardner was diligently tending to the dishes from the last meal and a few crew members were chatting at one of the tables over drinks. Garrus was with them, but to Miranda's surprise when he spotted her he stood quickly and walked to intercept her path to the elevator.

"Miranda, you have a minute?" Garrus was one of the only members of the crew who referred to her by name, and not simply as 'Operative Lawson.' With all he'd been through, her reputation was probably not nearly as intimidating as it was to the rank and file.

"What is it Garrus?" She inquired.

"Have you seen Shepard recently?" he asked.

"I have not." She neglected to add that this was something she had been on her way to rectify.

Garrus scrunched up his face in an expression Miranda had come to understand was the Turian equivalent of a frown.

"Is something wrong?"

"Not quite sure. He came down to the mess hall earlier and got a bottle of scotch."

"And?" Didn't seem that unusual.

"And then he came down again a short while later and got two more."

"I see."

"One bottle is no big deal, but someone takes three and they're trying really hard to get drunk. That's not like Shepard." Garrus looked a little concerned.

"Not a big drinker?"

"Well, every once in awhile, but only when out with friends or squad-mates. Never known him to drink alone. Think you could go check on him?"

"I... wait, why me?"

The flaps above Garrus' eyes elevated slightly. Ah. He was 'raising his eyebrows'. Seems Jacob wasn't the only one to put two and two together. Miranda was rapidly losing faith in her covert abilities.

"Alright, I'll talk to him." Miranda conceded.

"Thanks." Garrus seemed relieved.

In contrast, Miranda was now concerned as she entered the elevator. She might not know Shepard's drinking habits that well, but she did know it wasn't like him to withdraw from the crew. His time alone with her notwithstanding.

She arrived at his door and hit the buzzer. No response. She hit it again. Still nothing.

"Shepard?"

For a moment she thought she might have to force the door open, but then the light on the door console turned green. Unlocked. She entered with trepidation.

The scene inside wasn't anything as bad as she had been expecting, at least at first glance. Shepard was seated on the couch, with the bottles of scotch that had caught Garrus' attention sitting on the table next to a glass from the fancy set which had come with the captain's cabin. It was slightly concerning that two of the bottles were empty, but at least Shepard was upright.

As she entered, he opened the third one and filled his glass before setting it down again. Miranda walked calmly over and moved the now full glass out of his reach.

"It seems like you've had plenty already, Commander. You had Garrus worried."

Shepard looked at the glass dejectedly but made no move to reach for it. "Too bad, pretty sure I'm still sober."

Shepard's mood was currently a mystery, but she could at least explain his continued and unlikely sobriety. "When we were rebuilding you, there was enormous danger of toxins from dead tissue and foreign matter damaging the cloned organs we were giving you. So we added cybernetic enhancements to your system. They process toxins extremely efficiently, making you nearly immune to most poisons and harmful bacteria. And, as a side effect…"

"... I can't get drunk."

"Correct. If you managed to consume enough alcohol to overwhelm the processors, you would simply black out."

"Huh. Wish I'd known that earlier. Wouldn't have wasted so much scotch."

"Why were you drinking in the first place?"

"I used to always drink a bottle of scotch on the anniversary. I missed the last two though. You know, while I was dead."

Anniversary. Given the current date, Miranda's excellent memory, and her intimate knowledge of Shepard's background, the reason for the drinking quickly became evident.

"Mindoir," said Miranda simply. Damn. No wonder Shepard felt like drinking.

Shepard nodded, not looking at her directly. "I'm sure you've read all about it."

Miranda was completely out of her depth here. "I have." She decided to take a feather out of Shepard's book and just go with her gut. She sat down next to Shepard, but not too close. "But… it's not the same as living through it."

They sat on the couch for a few moments in silence. Miranda was trying to decide if she should ask Shepard something, or do something to break the tension when Shepard spoke again.

"My mom was with colonial security. Dad had gone to visit her at work on the day of the attack. They were both killed the moment the attack started. I found that out later."

Miranda was torn, but decided to trust she had enough basic human empathy to know what to do here and moved a little closer to Shepard. She put a hand on his shoulder and he continued.

"I was at home with Katie, my sister. We heard the emergency sirens, but until the neighborhood started getting hit with mass accelerator rounds, we didn't know what was going on. When I looked out the window, I saw dropships unloading Batarians in full armor. I didn't know what else to do, so I grabbed Katie and ran to the basement. We hid in the utility closet."

Shepard's voice was level enough, but Miranda could feel the muscles in his shoulders slowly tensing and un-tensing. She squeezed slightly and he relaxed his posture a bit.

"I have no idea how long we hid down there, but it felt like hours. We heard more explosions, gunfire… at one point I think some Batarians actually entered our house, but they never checked the basement. Eventually, everything seemed to have calmed down outside. I told Katie to wait in the closet while I went upstairs to see if the coast was clear."

Taking a steadying breath, Shepard went on. "I crept upstairs and made my way to a window. When I looked out, I saw the last of the dropships departing. I thought we were in the clear, so I turned to head back downstairs… when the bombardment started. I guess the Batarians decided to level what was left of the neighborhood on their way out. Our house was hit hard."

He stopped for a moment, and Miranda realized she had been squeezing his shoulder rather hard. She relaxed her grip and moved her hand to his back, feeling it rise and fall in time with his breathing. "Something hit me hard and I blacked out. I woke up to an Alliance medic sifting through the wreckage. He was trying to check me over but I just kept asking where Katie was. He didn't know what I was talking about, so I shook him off and started digging. He must have realized I was looking for someone because he got a few soldiers to come and help. It took us… it took us an hour to find her."

"Shepard…"

"The medic told me she… he said at least it would have been quick. Never would have known what happened."

The sat there in silence for a minute or two. Miranda moved her hand slowly up and down Shepard's back. Then he looked her in the eye for the first time since she had entered the cabin.

"I'm telling you this so you'll understand. Seeing everything you've done for Oriana, everything you were willing to do… that's important. That matters. It's why I wanted you to meet her in person. Because… some things you just can't control. And you need to appreciate what you work so hard for whenever you can."

Miranda felt a lump form in her own throat, and she swallowed. She put her arms around Shepard's shoulders, and he put his around her waist. She rested her head on his shoulder, and he on hers. They stayed like this for a while before Shepard withdrew enough to look her in the eye again. They were still close enough to feel each other's breath.

"Miranda… I -"

"Hey Commander, you there?" Joker's voice cut through both the intercom and the moment. Miranda coughed out something that might have been a laugh if it had made it past the lump still stubbornly stuck in her esophagus. She rested her forehead against Shepard's. "Commander?"

Shepard lifted his head from hers and cleared his throat. "Yeah Joker?"

"Oh good, I was about to try out the intercom's alarm settings. You've got an incoming call from the Illusive Man. Top priority. Pretty sure you're going to want to take this."

Shepard looked at Miranda quizzically and she shrugged, letting go of him. "Alright, I'll be right down."

"Find Operative Death-glare on your way. Illusive man wanted her on the call. Uh… and please don't tell her I called her that."

Miranda delivered said death-glare to Shepard, whose mouth had half contorted into something resembling a smirk. "Joker, I promise she won't hear it from me."

"Good, because I'm not sure I'd survive the reprisal. I'm fragile."

Shepard had to bring up a hand to cover his mouth as Miranda's eyebrows narrowed. "On my way."

"Joker out."

Shepard stared at Miranda for a moment. He lowered his hand from his mouth, his expression normal again. "Miranda?"

"Yes Shepard?"

The corner of his mouth twitched slightly. "Joker said the Illusive Man wants to see us."

"I heard him." retorted Miranda, throwing at couch cushion at him. She stood and walked to the door. If there was one upside to Joker's interruption it was how effectively it had apparently distracted Shepard from his memories. Even if it had been at her expense.

Still, Miranda's mind was racing to fill in the blanks of what he had been about to say before he had been cut off. The possibilities were both exciting and terrifying, but they would have to wait. It seemed after weeks with nothing to go on, they might finally be back to their mission. It was time to finish this thing.

Author Notes:

Whew. So that happened. Don't worry, the rapidly approaching suicide mission will be relatively light by comparison. I know this chapter is kinda short, but I didn't want to mix action with introspection for this update.

Anyway, as we reach the end of Mass Effect 2's story, there's gonna be a bit of a change in the way chapters are spaced. There's going to be more time passing between chapters (in-universe only, hopefully). Things will eventually condense again, but wanted to clarify that there will be a lot less of the "main story" of Mass Effect 3 then there was of 2, mostly as a natural consequence of the story being from Miranda's perspective throughout (minus an ill advised and confusing experiment way back in chapter 1).

I will do my best to make chapter updates more consistent. I've said that before, but hey, I've got to be right eventually. Right? Guys?

PS - Seriously, somebody revoke my chapter naming privileges. It's probably for the best.