A/N: I still do not own any of TSOM.
And I want to give a big thank you for all of the reviews and encouragement. Every one of you who write in keeps this story going!
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There was one bench in the backyard, and as Georg had hoped, that's where Maria was sitting. The air had grown colder over the last few weeks. It wouldn't be long before it would be too cold to sit outside comfortably.
Georg walked up and sat quietly next to Maria. He had no idea what he was going to say and he felt as nervous as he had the night he first told her that he loved her.
They sat in silence for several long minutes. Georg tried to speak but no words came out. Instead he just cleared his throat a few times, opening and shutting his mouth, looking for the right words. If Maria had seen this she would have known how hard he was trying, but instead she sat staring out at the river, not looking at her husband.
Finally it was Maria who spoke, breaking the silence. "Where is the gazebo going to go?"
"You know about the gazebo." It was a statement more than a question. Maria nodded, still not looking at him.
"Over there," Georg said, gesturing towards the side. "What do you think?"
After another long silence Maria asked "Does it matter?"
'More than you know,' Georg thought to himself. He still wasn't sure what to say but finally decided to be as honest as possible.
"Maria, I've bungled things, and rather badly I'm afraid. I never meant to keep the gazebo a secret from you. The truth is that it was going to be – is going to be – a present for you. It is for you."
There was another long silence. Georg began to feel distinctly foolish for ever thinking of giving her a gazebo. What kind of gift was a gazebo? And why had he ever thought it was going to make any sort of difference for them?
Finally Maria spoke again. "You're giving me a gazebo?" she asked in a flat tone of voice. "Why?"
Georg felt even more foolish and despite the cold night air could feel his own temperature rising. He ran his hand through his hair and then over his face and finally answered her with the truth. "Maria, I love you more than anything. I haven't done a very good job of showing you that lately. Once, a gazebo meant something to us. I guess I hoped that it would mean something again."
Maria was embarrassed to feel her eyes fill with tears and was glad she was looking away so that he wouldn't be able to see her emotion. She took several deep breaths of the cold air and tried to will the tears away. She had no idea how much she had needed to hear that he still loved her.
All that Georg heard was silence. He had no idea that his wife was fighting away tears. Although he was feeling extremely foolish for the thought of giving her a gazebo, he was also distressed that she had nothing to say to what he had just confessed. Had things gotten so bad between them that she couldn't tell him that she loved him in return?
Georg folded his hands together, bent forward and closed his eyes. Maria felt him bend over and in that one gesture she could feel how earnest he was. She wanted to put her arm around him and rest her head on his shoulder, but she still didn't trust herself not to cry. And so she continued to look straight ahead trying not to let the tears fall.
Georg sighed to himself and buried his face in his hands for just a moment. So far, nothing was working. They still weren't talking and the gulf between them felt wider than ever to him.
He tried again. "Maria, you've been unhappy and I've been unhappy and I don't know how we're going to get through this unless it's together. I don't even – I don't know what kind of husband I've been to you lately, because I don't even know why you're so unhappy. I've left you alone with it, and I'm so sorry. I've been so unhappy myself that's all I've been able to see. But when we got married we promised each other that we would be together for better or for worse. For a while I thought that "worse" was leaving Austria and setting up a new life for our family. Now I know that there's something infinitely worse: my wife's unhappiness. Please, Maria, tell me what's bothering you. And let this foolish, selfish man share his troubles with you as he should have done weeks ago."
Maria no longer cared if he knew she was close to crying and so she wiped the tears from her eyes and bent her head down towards his. At first she didn't know how to respond. Finally she found her voice. "Thank you for the gazebo, Georg, it's a wonderful gift." Tentatively she put her hand on his back and continued. "I thought you and the children – I thought you didn't care what I thought about it." She started to explain some of what had really been bothering her these last few weeks: "I felt … irrelevant."
Georg closed his eyes again for a brief moment as the pain of her words washed over him. She had felt irrelevant? He wanted to sit up, he wanted to take her in his arms and tell her how much she mattered to him, how crucial she was to their entire family. But something inside told him not to do that. Her hand on his back felt so good – felt so right – that he was afraid she would move it if he sat up. He also felt that she was just starting to say everything that had been making her so unhappy, and the last thing he wanted to do was stop her. So he reached out his hand and tenderly put it on her knee and rubbed it gently up and down her leg, willing her to continue speaking.
She didn't. After several more moments of silence, Georg said "Maria, I want so desperately to tell you how much I love you, and how very relevant you are. But even more than that, I want you to keep talking, keep telling me why you've been so unhappy."
If Maria had thought she had been embarrassed before, it was nothing to what she was feeling now. Admit to Georg how uneducated she felt, especially compared to the children? Tell her husband she felt like a country bumpkin next to him and that she didn't know how to cross their class barriers? Actually put into words how useless and bored she was starting to feel?
Maria could feel her face starting to burn and was once again glad for the cold wind. She remembered the Grandmother's words and knew that this was the opportunity to talk to Georg, the opportunity she had needed. But now that it was here she didn't know what to say. And Georg was being so gentle. This was a side of him that she had never known outside of their bedroom and it was disarming.
She took her hand off his back and placed in on top of the hand that was stroking her leg. Maria watched as their fingers intertwined. "You're right," she finally agreed. "I didn't think anything could be harder that getting safely to Switzerland, but this – making a new life for ourselves – is so much more difficult. And I don't think that we can do it alone, as we have been. At least it hasn't been working that way. We have to do it together."
Their hands were now firmly laced through each others in a gesture more intimate than they had shared in weeks.
"So tell me, Maria," Georg encouraged, "what's been troubling you."
"It is so hard to put into words," she began to explain. "It's not so much that it's difficult as it is very embarrassing." Maria turned her face away again, trying to hide how embarrassed she really was.
Now Georg was really surprised. Maria embarrassed? He had known Maria to be angry, reserved, overly polite, but rarely embarrassed. Well, there was their wedding night, but she hadn't been embarrassed then so much as nervous.
"I'm sorry, I don't understand," he said helplessly. "What could you possibly have to be embarrassed about?"
"You really don't know, do you," Maria said softly.
Georg felt instantly indignant. Here he was doing his absolute best to be loving and understanding, encouraging her to say whatever was on her mind and she was rubbing his ignorance in his face. However, her hand stayed tightly linked with his, and so he didn't release it.
"Georg," she finally began to explain, "You teach the older children every day at this school you've fashioned for them here. What do you think I have to do during 'school'?" It wasn't a real question and he knew the answer before she answered it on her own "nothing," she replied.
Georg's heart sank. What she said was true. First she had been over-worked, and now there was hardly anything for her to do during the day. Had he over compensated? Frustrated with feeling so trapped in Switzerland, he had buried his head in his children's education and ignored what Maria was doing – or not doing – during the day.
"We can let go of Anna, or Johanna," he suggested. "We can do whatever you want! You are the mistress of this house. Whatever you want to do, it's yours: Sewing, cooking, decorating the house, whatever you want." He spoke somewhat wildly, desperate to fix the situation.
Maria looked up at the stars and felt her eyes fill with tears again, but this time they were tears of anger and frustration. "Wonderful," she replied, unable to keep the sarcastic bite out of her voice. "Then I'll essentially be your servant again. Tell me, Captain, what will my salary be?"
Georg drew his hand back and sat up. He felt wounded to his very core. All he had tried to do was help her figure out what she wanted to do during the day and let her know what was possible. He felt as though the wind had been knocked out of him, but finally found his voice again. "Maria, how could you say that?" he asked.
Her passion now aroused, Maria found it easier to speak and to answer him quickly. "How could I not?" she asked. "You're offering me my choice of household jobs! Georg, don't you see the difference between us? Don't you see that you are a naval hero who has traveled to places I've never dreamed of? You are a Baron, and I'm a mountain-bred woman who is a Baroness only because I married you! You are teaching the children advanced history, mathematics, Hungarian, Italian – you are teaching them all kinds of things I don't even know! Don't you know how humiliating it is to be a member of this family and yet feel that there are educational and class barriers that I can never cross? Don't you know how humiliating it is to watch you teach the children and know that I can't participate because you – all of you – have a better education than I? Don't you know how heartbreaking it is to compare myself to my children and come up short?"
Maria took a deep breath and continued her tirade "What kind of mother compares herself to her children in the first place? I don't know, but I can't help it. It's in my face every day – how irrelevant I am. How much you all don't need me, unless it's for soothing some upset." She shook her head. "We are so different, you and I. I loved you so much I didn't think it would matter. I didn't even think about it! But now that we have finally settled in Dorfli and are trying to live our lives, I have nothing to do – nothing to give. And your best suggestion is that we let go of some of our help and I take over her chores. So how can I not feel like a servant?"
Suddenly the passion drained out of her and she was filled with sadness more intense than she had ever known. She bent over, clasping her hands as if in prayer and resting her forehead on them. She felt as though she would never be able to sit up again, let alone get up from this bench.
Georg was stunned. So much so that for several minutes he couldn't respond, he just processed what she had said. Maria felt … inferior. This was the woman he loved with all his heart, the woman who had brought them together as a family again, the woman who had brought music, love and laughter back to them. Now she felt useless, she felt as though she had nothing more to give them.
He knew there were big differences in their backgrounds but he hadn't thought that would ever be an issue between them. He certainly didn't care and never thought about it, but it had obviously been gnawing away at her spirit.
Georg cleared his throat, knowing he needed to speak now. "Maria, I – I'm so sorry. I wish I could tell you how important you are. How much we all need and love you. But I've really shut you out, haven't I?"
Maria was still bent over with her head on her hands. That was exactly how she felt: shut out. And that feeling of being shut out had led to so many other thoughts and feelings that were gradually poisoning her spirit. She felt her whole body relax as she realized that Georg was beginning to understand her unhappiness.
"I've been unhappy as well, and I haven't shared it with you. You are my wife, my partner, one of the first people I should share things with. And we – there are so many things you can teach the children. I've been an idiot for not seeing that before. "
Maria was so shocked she sat up again. It had never occurred to her that she could teach the children as well. "What kinds of things?"
"Well, for one the children are all musical. Why aren't we teaching them music? I can sing and play a few instruments, but I can't teach music the way you can. And as for the rest, there are so many things I know you could teach them if only I had thought to include you in the lessons as a teacher with me. I don't even know what could be possible if you join me but I do know that our children will receive a much better education if they have the two of us rather than just me."
Maria shook her head slightly. She had been filled with so much self doubt that she didn't know how to let go of it enough to even consider these ideas.
"Georg, the differences between us are too big."
He felt his mouth go dry. "Maria, what are you saying?"
"I don't know," she replied. "But I know that as much as I love you, you'll always be distinguished, educated and worldly. I'll always be your poor governess who came from the abbey to help you get through the summer."
Now Georg wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. "Well we are married," he said, "and I love you more than I've ever loved anyone, even if I have been a thoughtless boor lately. That has to count for something."
Maria leaned her head against his shoulder and agreed with him. "I know," she said, "And I will always love you and will always be your wife. But…" she trailed off.
"What would the Reverend Mother say?" Georg asked gently. He knew that Maria always found comfort and inspiration in her words, and that the Reverend Mother was the reason she had come back to him in the first place.
"I wish I knew," Maria said helplessly.
"Well, what has she said in the past?" Georg asked, hoping for something, anything that would help break his wife out of this self doubt and self recrimination. After a pause he added "You once told me that she said that you have to look for your life. Did she say anything about what to do when you found it?"
Maria looked down at her hands as memories of that fateful conversation with the Reverend Mother flooded back over her - all of the fear and confusion she had been experiencing - and yet it had changed her life, and it had helped her to find her life. "Well, yes," she finally responded. "She told me that once I found it, it would take all the love that I have to give, every day, for the rest of my life."
The two sat in silence for a few more minutes while Maria thought that over. The Reverend Mother had never said that it would be easy. On the contrary, she said that it would take everything that Maria had to give, every day. For the first few months it had been so easy – so easy to be caught up in the love for her family, their love for her, and the overwhelming delight of being loved and in love for the first time in her life. Yet it had grown difficult over the past few weeks and she had started to crumble under the difficulty of it all. The Reverend Mother had also told her that she had to face her problems head on rather than avoiding them. With a small shock Maria realized she hadn't been following the Reverend Mother's advice. Had she been giving all of her love or had she been more worried about herself, feeling separate from her family? She certainly hadn't faced her problems – she'd sat out here feeling hurt and alone until Georg had approached her and broken the silence.
"I guess she never said it would be easy," Maria said slowly. "She also told me I had to face my problems rather than escaping from them. I haven't been doing a very good job of that lately. And I think she meant that I would need to give all of the love that I had rather than worrying about myself and how I compare. I haven't been doing a very good job of that lately, either."
Georg took her hand and lifted it up to kiss it. "Neither of us have," he admitted. "I haven't been a good husband to you Maria, and I can only imagine how alone you have felt."
It was such a tremendous relief to hear him admit it that Maria felt her body whole body relax. She leaned into him, resting her head on his shoulder and he in turn wrapped his arm around her, holding her close.
"I've been so wrapped up in my own feelings and in my own frustration that I haven't been there for you at all," he continued. "This is a time of change for all of us and as the head of this family I should have been aware of how this school – how all of it – has been making you feel. Instead I just carried on and let this rift grow between us."
"We both have, Georg," Maria reminded him.
"Yes, but we decided we'd be partners," he stated firmly, "and we certainly haven't been partners over these last few weeks. Not concerning our children, not even concerning our own feelings. I've been so frustrated, feeling so trapped, and I haven't let you in. I can see now that I haven't trusted you to understand."
"I want to understand," Maria replied just as firmly. She sat up again and put both hands on his face, drawing his head around to look at her. "Why have you been so unhappy?"
Georg shook his head helplessly – not at Maria but at the situation of Europe in general. "For a time all that mattered was getting all of us safely to Switzerland," he explained. "I thought if we could just get here and get away from the Nazis we would have achieved the impossible and that was all I wanted. But now that we're here I can't help thinking about what is happening in Austria and feel like I abandoned my country."
"Georg, you had no choice," Maria interrupted earnestly. "You had to get out or they would have forced you to fight – and probably die – for a cause you don't believe in!"
"I know that," he agreed. "But sometimes I feel like I'll go crazy tucked safely here in our little Swiss town while good men and women are being persecuted and don't have the means or capability of escaping as we did. I think about what Hitler is doing in Austria and I feel sick as I think about it expanding across Europe and I'm doing nothing to prevent it."
At this point he stood up and began to pace back and forth in front of the bench.
"And then other times I think about the Nazis expanding their reach across Europe and I wonder if we've gotten far enough away," he continued. "Will Switzerland stay safe? Or should we have gone to America and gotten further away? But I've promised the children we won't leave anytime soon."
He stopped pacing and looked at Maria and shrugged, letting his arms fall at his sides in a gesture of helplessness.
"I feel trapped. I don't know if I should be moving this family further away or if I should be helping out some resistance movement."
Maria stood up, facing him, and Georg caught his breath at the love shining in her eyes. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and clasped her hands behind his head. Then she slowly brought his face towards her for a kiss. She was suddenly so tender and loving that for a moment Georg felt all of his troubles fade away in her arms. He wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her again.
Eventually they were standing in an embrace with Maria's head against his shoulder. He ran his fingers through her short hair, so relieved to be close to her again that for a moment nothing else mattered. Then she spoke again.
"Whatever you decide to do – whatever you need to do – I will support you. If you feel we should leave Switzerland then we certainly can. The children will be alright. If you find a way to help fight against the Nazis then I will support you in that as well. We are living in difficult times and the world needs good men like you to stand against this threat."
This time Georg was flooded with a sense of relief. It was so intense that he had not realized how much he needed Maria's support. He held her even closer to him and said "I thought that you wouldn't understand - that you would just want me to stay settled here with the family."
Maria felt a shock of surprise and pulled back to look at him. "I love your ideals, Georg! They are a part of who you are. I've never been more proud of you than when you refused to support the Anschluss and then refused to join the Third Reich and instead found another option to keep both yourself and your family safe from the Nazis. I could never ask you to be less than you are, and I will always support you."
Georg looked down at the amazing woman in his arms and started to laugh, a low deep chuckle, out of sheer happiness and amazement. He picked her up by the waist and spun her around, causing Maria to laugh with happiness as well.
Nothing had really changed, but they were united again. They understood each other again, and it was good.
"I still don't know what I did to deserve you," he said and kissed the tip of her nose."
"It must have been something good, on both our parts," Maria reminded him as she pulled him in for a kiss that that took both of their breaths away. With one hand she began to stroke his face and he reached up with one of his hands to stroke her hair back as they held each other even closer.
"I think what we've had is a failure to communicate," he said as they broke apart. "I'm so sorry I've made you feel left out. I'm so sorry I've made you feel of less value to this family than you are."
"And I'm sorry that I've let you think I wouldn't support you. I love all of you, including the naval hero who fights for what he believes in."
Georg smiled down at his wife. "And I love all of you too. Including the mountain bred farm girl who helped this family survive long enough to find a home. I promise to include you from now on. We will find a way to make it work."
As they kissed again the passion that had been suppressed over the last few weeks started to take over. Georg ran his hands up and down the back of her body and finally whispered in her ear "I think we'd better take this inside."
Maria smiled in agreement and took his hand. The pair walked quietly but quickly into the house and up the stairs into their bedroom.
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Upstairs in her garret room, alone in the dark, Liesl leaned her head against her window in relief. She felt awkward about having watched her parents share such an intimate moment, but her window looked right over that section of the back yard.
She had been acutely aware of the tension and unhappiness between her parents. That, more than anything that had happened so far, had made her doubt the power of love. If her parents, who had been so obviously in love, could become so unhappy so quickly, why should she open her heart to any boy ever again?
Though she had no idea what it was about, they had obviously had a difficult conversation, but had come to a level of understanding again. And they were once again acting as in love as they had ever been.
Maybe it was possible to be in love but still have problems and then eventually work them out. That had never occurred to her before. She had thought that once she was really and truly in love everything would be happy and nothing would ever be a problem. This glimpse of real love seemed much more realistic. People could have problems and still love each other and that love could prevail.
She smiled and wrapped her arms around herself, feeling more hope than she had since her encounter with Rolf in the Abbey.
It would also be much easier on her all her siblings to have their parents happy again. She sank down into her bed feeling happier than she had in days.
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The next morning Georg was sitting in his office with his feet on the desk. He couldn't stop humming and knew that he had a rather silly smile on his face.
Maria was with the older children, giving them a lesson in reading music. Though they had learned to sing and play a few instruments they had only learned by ear so far. He was happy they were learning the principles of reading and writing music. Music was so mathematical, based on a set of fixed principles. Maybe the children who didn't think they were good at math would discover that they really weren't so bad.
There was still a lot to work out between him and Maria, but they were communicating – they were close again – and that was the most important thing. He was confident that together they could handle anything.
He was startled out of his reverie by a knock on the door. He could tell it wasn't Maria and was confused as to who it could be. He swung his feet off the desk and turned so that he was facing the door.
"Come in," he said and was mildly surprised to see Johanna enter.
"Excuse me, Sir," she said a little anxiously and Georg made a mental note to ask Maria to work with her on her confidence. "There is a gentleman here to see you. He says that he is a friend of a friend."
Georg's mouth went dry as he thought of those implications. Could Herr Zeller have found him through a contact in Switzerland?
"Then he said to say that he is friends with a very charming sponge," Johanna continued. "He said to tell you those exact words."
To be continued ….