Part 20
Tara watched sadly as Xander left the shop. The sound of the door swinging back into position and the ringing of the doorbell providing an almost fitting soundtrack to his exit. But as much as she understood his need to leave, it didn't solve anything, and judging by the looks on the rest of the assembled throng, it only further cemented their idea that he was unreliable. Since they were all supposed to be working together to combat the coming threat, Xander's outburst and well appreciated words of support for her, had ultimately not helped.
The silence that had fallen over the shop showed no signs of abating. Looking at the rest of them, she could see that they were all in thought, not knowing what to say or how to respond. Then after a few moments, Giles, Wesley and Angel went back to their research, their actions indicating that if they ignored it, they could forget about it for now.
She thought that they all seemed to be adopting that philosophy till her gaze turned towards Buffy, and instead of the look of resignation she'd seen on the others, she saw that the blonde slayer was instead looking to where Xander had left. And by the look of concentration on her face, she seemed to be pondering on the words that he's said. After a few moments, Tara felt a little uncomfortable and thinking that she should leave Buffy to whatever thoughts she had, she went to look elsewhere, when Buffy opened her mouth in shock, looking straight at Tara.
"Oh my god!" Buffy almost gasped in shock at the conclusion she'd come to. Her gaze was firmly fixed now on Tara, almost daring the blonde witch to deny what she'd just worked out. Or was that wishing and hoping. Whatever it was, she was not going to be satisfied, when instead she saw only a slight look of fear in Tara's eyes confirming, it seemed, Buffy's thoughts.
"I'm going to find him," Buffy announced to everyone.
"You sure you want to do that?" Giles asked. "He seemed rather worked up."
"I'm a big girl remember, Giles. Slayer strength and all that."
"Yes, quite. But I don't think Xander's going to throw a punch at you," Giles countered.
"He's also not going to hurt her either," Tara butted in, not liking the unspoken implication in Giles's words.
Not responding to Tara's objection, Giles simply starred at her for a few seconds, before turning his attention back to Buffy. "What I mean is that he seems pretty unstable, and he might say something."
"Oh, I've heard enough of this," Tara objected again, throwing her hands up, and swiveling around to walk out, only to be stopped by Buffy. She could see something like contrition in the slayer's eyes, and for a second she paused, letting Buffy talk to her.
"Please, let me talk to him," Buffy asked her, feeling a little strange that she felt like she had to ask permission.
It took a great deal of will for Tara to back down. Her defenses had been at the high water mark following the earlier confrontation, but something in Buffy's voice brought them down a little. Beyond her frustration and almost disbelief at some of the groups' reaction to Xander's words, there was something underneath Buffy's tone that assured her she only wanted to talk to him.
"Just listen to him," Tara told her gently, but firmly enough so Buffy knew how important it was.
Buffy nodded in return, then turning her head, she signaled to Giles that she was going. "I'll be back later."
"Okay," Giles replied.
Once Buffy had left the shop, Tara no longer felt like being there herself, and was about to go as well, when she felt the gentle touch of a hand on her shoulder.
"What!" Tara snapped, a little harder than she'd meant to. "I'm sorry," she added, seeing the shock in Giles's face.
"You have to understand that we just want to make sure we know everything that could help Buffy. And us all," he replied. She could've been mistaken, but she thought for a moment that Giles had put extra emphasis on the last part of his explanation, in case Buffy wasn't a good enough reason.
"And the fact we've told you that you know everything Xander knows that is relevant means nothing?" Tara replied.
"Well some of Xander's information hasn't been one hundred percent accurate. Maybe his memory is a little mixed up," Giles replied delicately.
"What if I told you that he's told you everything you need to know?" Tara asked, hating that the bridge of friendship that was between them seemed to be falling down as she spoke.
"How do we know he's told you everything?" Giles answered.
Tara shook her head sadly. "It's called trust Giles." She took a few steps back from him. She knew that this wasn't the same Giles that she'd come to love as part of her family. This Giles was one under a level of stress that she'd not wish on anyone. But no matter how much she could excuse his words, it still hurt.
"It's called trust," she softly said again, sitting down in one of the chairs. She didn't know whether she'd stay long, but if Buffy was going to talk to Xander, she may as well stay and do a little to help. However, she made sure to sit a little away from the others. Eventually she'd feel different, but till then, the gap between them gave her, and them some breathing space.
*********************
Buffy couldn't help but wryly grin as she saw his figure sitting still in front of her. Even now, all these years later, she knew he'd be here. And for the first time, she felt as though she actually had an idea as to why. She stepped quietly up to him. She felt as though she was intruding almost on something that was special to him, but there was a need inside of her that overrode any hesitation that she should leave him alone.
"Xand," she said quietly when she was just a few feet away from him.
Hearing her voice, Xander looked up, a little surprised to see her there, especially after the confrontation he'd just had with her and the others. He immediately thought that she'd come to berate him, or at the least interrogate him further. But seeing compassion in her eyes, he felt a little low for thinking so little of his friend.
"Hey Buff," he replied, as she took a seat next to him.
Buffy settled herself down and looked across at the clearing. In a very real way, this had been the place that was the starting point for all of the questions they had. She'd never imagined that four years on, it would still hold so many unanswered ones.
But now she felt a little stuck, not knowing where to start this conversation. She couldn't ignore it. It was there in front of her now and if she wanted to have a continuing relationship with him it had to be addressed now.
"I think I understand," she quietly told him.
Xander's head snapped around, not expecting this. "Understand what?"
Buffy couldn't stop herself smiling, though it was one tinged with sadness. "Why this place draws you here. What you lost."
His gazed stayed locked on her for a few seconds, before he turned away and looked out over the clearing again. "Yeah." Was all he said.
"Does she know?" Buffy asked, wondering if that would answer another of her questions.
Xander shook his head. "No," he replied, before looking up at Buffy. "How did you figure it out?"
She shrugged. "It just fell into place. I also remembered the one thing you said when you returned to us, in this place."
Xander nodded. "Dawn."
"Yeah. And the way she seemed to affect your moods and some of the things you said. And of course the way you looked at her yesterday..." Buffy's voice trailed off. She wasn't trying to accuse him of anything, and listing anything more was superfluous.
The silence surrounded them again. Buffy not knowing what to say, even though her mind was still screaming with questions, and Xander stuck in thought of what Buffy's next question would be.
In the end, he broke the silence himself. "So you aren't wigging out about this news?"
"I haven't got there yet, I don't think," Buffy replied laughing a little.
"She thought you'd freak," Xander responded.
"She did?" Buffy asked, feeling a little strange hearing something her sister would say in a future that didn't exist.
Smiling as he remembered the conversation, Xander answered. "We were discussing how you'd react to me asking her out."
"And have you?" Buffy asked, not really sure how she felt about it.
Xander shook his head.
"Was it serious?" Buffy then asked him, after another patch of silence.
She didn't need to hear his response. As soon as he turned his head to face her it was obvious by the look on his face how serious it was.
"It was as serious as you could get," he told her.
"And yet you came back to try and change it all?" she replied, thinking it more of a rhetorical question. Seeing the looking of guilt that flashed across Xander's face, she knew however that it was far from that simple. He looked away from her, and she could've sworn it was because he couldn't face her.
"What is it?" she asked gently.
"I can't," he replied, still not looking at her.
Buffy couldn't shake the feeling that she was hitting on something serious, and part of her, worried that it was something she didn't want to know. It was however, too late to stop. "Please, Xander?" she almost pleaded with him for the truth.
Xander really wanted Buffy and the others to trust him, but he knew if he didn't answer her question, he would have no chance of that. Steeling himself he replied, "It wasn't out choice to come back, Buffy."
There was a feeling of shame that Buffy picked up in his words that puzzled her. "What do you mean?"
This time Xander turned his whole body to face her, knowing that he had to live by this truth. "We were tricked. We thought that I had to return or die. But the truth was I didn't, and if it wasn't for the deception, I wouldn't have come back."
Buffy shook her head. "I don't understand."
Xander felt pain as he replied, her eyes were boring into his being, with unanswered questions, questioning his choice. "The world was a safer place. We were very happy, and there was no guarantee I'd be able to get back. Also we were told that I'd remember nothing anyway."
"I see," Buffy replied as she averted her eyes from his.
"It wasn't an easy decision, Buffy," Xander told her, his heart breaking as he felt like he'd betrayed her all over again.
"So what happened?" Buffy asked.
"We were lied to, and so I agreed to go back," Xander responded, not wanting to go further into it. As much as he felt the betrayal of Angel every time he looked at the vampire, it didn't change the fact that Xander still felt overwhelming guilt in his own actions, and deflecting any of the blame didn't sit well with him at that moment.
After a few moments silence, he softly asked her, "Are you okay?"
Buffy wanted to say yes. A part of her knew that the guilt was eating her friend up inside. But there was another part of her that felt empty. It wasn't hurt or betrayal or anything of the like. But to know that one of her best friends had to be tricked to try and save her life, left a hole in her heart. And it was making her feel sick.
She shook her head. "I need to go," she replied getting up.
"Buffy," Xander said, as he tried to grab her arm, which Buffy stepped back from.
"I need to go," she told him, hoping that he realised that she didn't hate him, but she needed to deal with it all by herself.
He nodded and then turned away, trying to ignore the sound of the leaves cracking under her feet as she ran out of the woods, leaving the clearing to Xander's worries.
***********
For most of the last hour, the magic shop had been filled only with silence. The occasional turning of a large book and the gentle thud it made as it hit the table being the only accompaniment to the sound of the occupants breathing.
The confrontation had left a heavy hangover, that none of them seemed ready to come out of just yet. Giles seemed to be affected by it the most. Even though he seemed to be perusing over some of the books in front of him, his mind was still wrestling with the question of Xander's actions and how much he could trust them. In a very real way he considered them all his responsibility, his family. Buffy may be his daughter, but the others were no less than nieces or nephews. And on other days, they could've been his children as well. And no matter what his apprehensions with Xander's forthcoming, or lack thereof, it did effect him to have his loyalty questioned as they both had done.
It didn't help his deliberations that Tara had stationed herself just a little bit away from the others, but still close enough for Giles to feel like he had the spotlight deliberately and permanently on him.
He turned to look at her, and was surprised to find that she wasn't looking at him. He could've sworn by the hole he felt being bored into the back of his skull that her eyes had been continuously on him.
Still he felt he should try and explain, now that some time had cooled the earlier passions.
"Tara," he said, getting up and walking slowly over to where she was sitting. When she saw her raise her head to face him, he knelt down at her side, trying to speak to her on a level height. "It's not that I want to distrust, Xander," he started to say, before realising it was the wrong way to begin.
Tara turned her head away, annoyed that Giles couldn't get past his worries. "Why can't you?" she asked him softly.
"There is so much that could go wrong, I want to make sure we have everything covered. Now some of what Xander has told us, has been very useful, but other bits of information have proved less reliable. It's those sort of discrepancies that I want to sort out."
"And you won't simply trust that he and I are have told you everything that we know." Tara responded, asking the one question that has been plaguing her.
"But we know that you are both hiding things from us," Giles answered knowing that no matter how gently he did, that was one tightrope he couldn't find the right balance on.
The frustration rising as she tempered her answer, Tara knew she bit back harder that she wanted to. "It's not called keeping things, when it's none of your business, Giles."
Seeing that Giles didn't immediately respond, she cooled her spirit, and added, with much regret, "But then you'd have to trust us."
They were both surprised when someone else responded.
"I do."
Giles and Tara both turned as one, as Buffy's voice floated across their space, breaking the tension somewhat.
"Buffy?" Giles asked, seeing that the rest of the shop's occupants had also heard her arrival.
"I trust him, Giles. And Tara. Let's leave it, and move on."
Tara's rejoice at hearing Buffy say those words was lessened when she saw the look on her friend's face. She seemed very troubled. "Are you okay, Buffy?" she asked.
Buffy shook her head, not in response, but more to clear her head. "I'm fine, but we've got plenty to do."
"Where's Xander?" Tara asked, more worried by Buffy's seemingly indifference at anything else.
"He's at the clearing," Buffy responded. Everyone at the shop knew exactly what clearing she meant.
As soon as the words had left Buffy's mouth, Tara got up and picked up her bag, knowing that if Xander had told Buffy, and it seemed likely he had, at least judging by Buffy's demeanor, she wanted to make sure he was okay.
"He's not a little kid, Tara," Buffy called out to her, with a slightly derisive edge to her voice. "You don't need to go running after him all the time."
The look of shock at the tone Buffy had taken with her was etched not only on Tara's face, but in the moment it took to spin around and face Buffy, she saw that Giles too was disturbed by it. Tara could only imagine what inner battle was occurring inside Buffy's mind for her to on one hand tell the others that they could trust Xander, but on the other feel almost antagonistic to him. It only confirmed what she first thought. Buffy now knew the true circumstances to Xander's return.
"I know he's not, Buffy. But you know, sometimes we need our friends," Tara replied, emphasising the last part, hoping that Buffy would understand that she might need the same from someone later on.
Tara didn't wait around any longer to see if Buffy got her meaning, though, and as the other members of their band of fighters watched, she walked out, not saying another word.
After a few moments silence, where no one seemed to know exactly where to start a conversation, it was Wesley who seemed to settle on the one almost safe area. "Are you sure you can trust them?" he asked Buffy, after both her and Giles had taken their seats across the table from them.
"Yeah," Buffy responded softly.
"Buffy, I don't think that..." Giles cautioned, wondering what had caused the sudden change of heart, before being cut off.
"Giles, I said I trust him, okay!" Buffy took a breath, noticing that the rest of the group had stopped what they were doing and seemed interested in nothing more than Buffy's change of heart. It became very un-nerving after a few seconds.
"I really don't think we have any time left to worry about it, anyway," She added, hoping that the lessening of her reason might sit better with them. Which it seemed to do. Cordelia, Fred and Gunn went back to whatever books they were researching, while Angel couldn't help but keep glancing over at Buffy, as if he could tell she'd been thrown off kilter by Xander's admission.
Buffy was about to tell him to stop staring at her, when she noticed Wesley move over to where Giles had stationed himself, obviously trying to be quiet about it, but seemingly forgetting the range of a slayer's hearing.
"He's not telling us everything, Giles," Wesley stated. "I'm not saying that he's deliberately misleading us. Lord knows, I consider him a friend, but how do we know?"
"I know," Giles answered. "But what am I do to? Lock him up and interrogate him." He quickly glanced at Buffy, not all that surprised to find that she was looking at them. "Anyway, whether we believe him or not, Buffy is right about one thing. We don't have time to worry about it."
At this Wesley nodded, accepting that one truth. "So you still want Angel to take an advance party up?"
"Yes," Giles replied, "and the rest of us will follow after Dawn's graduation."
The ringing of the front door bell averted all attention back to it. Some of the assembled group had wondered if Xander or Tara had returned, but they were all shocked to see whom it was step through the doorway.
"Well that was certainly a response," Lorne told them. "Though I tend to go for the standing ovation type of one, but hey, beggars can't be chooses in my line of work."
"And who might you be?" Giles asked, reaching behind him for anything that might help in a fight. Not that he was one to jump to conclusions, but he could count on one hand the number of times a demon had walked into the magic shop and not wanted to use him or his friends as a punching bag.
Angel got up and stood slightly in front of Giles in case he was about to launch an attack at his friends. "Umm, Giles, this is Lorne," Angel told him holding his hand out indicating the green demon that was looking a little perturbed now.
"Oh, right. Sorry," Giles replied.
"Hey no offense, just remember I'm a singer not a fighter," Lorne quipped as he walked over to the table and placed in the middle, with some force, a bundle of books.
"I'm glad to see everyone here is feeling the love," he added before taking a seat next to Fred. "How's it going with you?"
"I'm fine, thanks," Fred replied with a giggle.
"Well that's good, sugarpants. I however feel the need to go back to LA, so unless someone can tell me a reason not too..." Lorne started, wondering how far he'd get.
"You're coming with us to San Francisco," Angel cut him off.
"Somehow I figured I was," Lorne replied with a roll of his eyes.
"So when are we leaving?" Buffy asked, preferring to get the conversation on a strictly tactical topic.
"Lorne, Gunn, Fred and I are off tomorrow," Angel responded.
"So soon?" Buffy asked.
"We think that it would be best to have an advance party there, scouting the area, finding out anything they can," Wesley answered. "Cordelia and myself, will stay here researching, and come up on Saturday with the rest of you."
Buffy nodded. It all sounded logical to her. And it all gave further proof, not that any was needed, that the final battle was drawing ever closer.
*********
"Do you think I should see if Buffy's okay?" Willow asked as she shimmied her hands on the steering wheel, turning it into another street on the way back to her and Tara's home.
"Yeah, I think she might need someone to talk to," Tara answered.
Having been surprised by a phone call from Tara, Willow had put aside her plans to attend a post exam party with some of her college friends. The news that Xander was missing, again, and that Buffy now knew some big secret was intriguing, but at that same time, maddening. Especially as Willow only knew part of the story.
"And you can't tell me what happened?" Willow asked.
Tara sighed. She hoped that Xander understood that she had to. She would've preferred him to do it. She'd checked the clearing, but hadn't found him there. Then after meeting up with Willow, they'd both gone to his apartment but found that he wasn't there either. So now she knew it was up to her to decide what to say. This time, she knew she had to say something.
"I think that Xander told her the real events leading up to him returning to this time," she told Willow.
Willow's eyes closed slightly at the words. She hadn't even known that there was a 'real' story that was any different than the accepted story. "I don't understand."
"Xander was very happy in the future, Will. He didn't come back by choice," Tara admitted.
"But he could've saved Buffy?" Willow asked. The thought that Xander would've ever had to make a choice concerning Buffy's life, an almost alien thought to her.
Tara shook her head. "I think that Buffy is hurting over that thought."
"Wow," Willow replied. She could only guess at how Buffy would feel.
The next street they turned into was their own. Willow pulled the car up in the driveway, noticing someone sitting on the porch in one their chairs.
"Hey, there's Xander," Willow said, pointing to their friend. "Go and talk to him, I'll go and see Buffy."
Tara smiled warmly at her girlfriend. "Thanks." She leant over and kissed her gently, lightly rubbing the outside of her palm across her cheek. "I'll see you later?"
"You betch ya," Willow replied, with an impish grin. "I've finished exams and there is some celebrating that's long overdue."
Smiling slyly Tara's thoughts were suddenly filled with images of just what that celebration would entail. "I'll be waiting," she replied, kissing Willow again, before getting out of the car and waving as Willow drove off.
As she walked up the small path to the front of her house, she saw that Xander had gotten up off his seat and moved to meet her, at the steps.
"Hey," she greeted him as she got closer.
"Was that Wills?" he asked looking over her shoulder at the retreating car.
"Yeah," Tara replied.
"Oh, god, she's finished exams hasn't she. You two should be alone," Xander replied, feeling that he had intruded. In one of their numerous conversations, Xander had come to realise just how much time Willow had been away lately finishing up her course.
"There's plenty of time for that," Tara told him, as she gave him a hug. "Are you okay?"
Xander shrugged. "It could've been worse."
Tara turned her key in the lock and held the door open as Xander walked in. She followed behind and closed the door after herself. "I told Willow some of it. She's off to see Buffy," Tara told him, as Xander sat down.
"That's good," Xander replied nodding.
"It'll work out," Tara told him, with the confidence that she always seemed to exude.
"Yeah?" Xander asked.
"Yeah," Tara told him firmly, with a smile.
*********
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the graduating class of 2005."
At once the graduation caps of the class, all went up in the air, and the stands and chairs filled with proud family and friends, broke into applause, as they witnessed the end of the formal ceremony.
Xander had watched with a warm heart when Dawn was called up to collect her diploma. It was an event that he himself had not experienced, due to the coinciding event of the Mayor's ascension. He was very happy that Dawn was able to go through her graduation in a town that no longer had to worry about such things.
He wished he could have been closer. He would have liked to be sitting with the rest of them, but despite the days in between, and Tara's assurances to the contrary, he still felt less than totally welcome in the company of some of his friends.
The one time that Dawn and him had crossed paths, neither of them knew what to say to each other. After a few awkward embarrassed seconds, where they had each spluttered out some words, they turned quickly and walked away from each other.
Both Tara and Willow had assured him that Buffy didn't hate him, and had just been a little off kilter at the news he told her the previous Monday night, but he could tell that she also was at a loss for words when they were near each other. More than that though, facing Buffy meant facing the reality of what he and Dawn had chosen to do in the future. It was an examination of himself that he didn't like, no matter how much he knew he wouldn't have changed his decision if he had the choice again.
But more than anything else, this was Dawn's day, and in a way Buffy's as well. No matter how much he wanted to be here, he was not going to make it difficult for either of them. So instead, he stood as happy as he could be in the circumstances behind a tree, at the back of the assembled crowd, watching with pride as Dawn graduated from High School.
***********
As Dawn bent down to pick up what she was sure was her graduation cap, she couldn't help but smile as she once again pictured Xander watching her from behind one of the trees at the back of the quad.
Their awkward meeting earlier in the week had been hard, and after it she was more than a little angry at herself. When she thought about it, along with talking to Stacey, she knew that she wasn't angry with him. She also had to admit to herself that part of her was jumping for joy at what he'd done. For so long it had been a not so secret wish of hers. But that was years ago, and now she didn't know quite what to make of it. The shock of it all made her feel as though the earth was tilting on an axis and she was off balance from it. She had wanted to talk to him, but that courage didn't extend to going to his apartment. For the moment, any thought of that place only meant remembering the kiss. So instead she'd thought she would run into him at the Magic shop at least once in the last few days. The only problem was, when that did happen all her courage took a flying leap out of her body, and Xander and her did their best mumbling impressions before walking away.
Earlier today she'd made her way over to where her family and friends were sitting, and quickly noticed that Xander wasn't there. No matter what was going on, she didn't want him to miss her graduation, and it upset her to think that he would. She didn't say anything, but her disappointment must have been etched clearly on her face, as Tara had whispered in her ear.
"He's here. He didn't feel right being with us, so he's at the back somewhere."
She didn't know what to make of that. It was clear to her that Xander and Buffy had some sort of talk earlier in the week, and they hadn't talked since. But she also felt guilty that if not for their aborted meeting earlier, maybe he would've felt comfortable enough to sit with everyone else. However the warm feeling she got when she realised he was there was more than enough to compensate for the sadness she felt.
When she had collected her diploma, she was sure she'd seen him, at the back where Tara had said he would be, clapping and cheering along with the others. Her heart had swelled a little as she did, but then as she walked off, her eyes met with Adam's and she felt more than just a little pain.
She hated that he'd put an 'ultimatum' on their relationship. But beyond that she knew that it didn't change anything. She was going to San Francisco and that wasn't changing. Adam wasn't going and that wouldn't change either. And as much as she tried to deny it, Xander's reappearance had thrown a huge obstacle in her and Adam's relationship. For although she didn't know what she truly felt for Xander, there was a bond there between them that even Adam could see. She also knew that he had worked out he wouldn't be able to break it.
"Hey!"
Spinning around, and wondering if he'd heard any of her inner thoughts for a minute she faced her boyfriend, knowing that this was the time.
"Hi," she said quietly.
"So, we made it," he told her.
"Yeah," she answered noticing that it had suddenly become hard to talk to the one person it never used to be.
"But we won't will we?" Adam told her, his eyes pleading with her to disagree with the question.
She longed to tell him that they would. There was nothing in her that liked hurting anyone, and she knew that the truth was going to hurt him. She didn't love him. Even without the impending trip, or the return of Xander, that was a truth she'd always known. But he was a good person, and he had been there for her, and she really did like him.
"No we won't," she told him, fighting to keep any tears away.
Adam shook his head slowly. "I didn't think so." He looked his now ex-girlfriend up and down, fighting in himself to hate her at that moment, but not being able to. "I hope he's worth it," he told her.
"Xander's not the reason," Dawn told him gently.
"No?" Adam replied not believing it.
"No," Dawn replied adamantly.
Adam shrugged, clearly not believing it. "I'm going to go," he told her with a little hesitation.
Dawn simply nodded, not trusting her voice to say anything. Beyond anything else, she felt as though part of her life had just ended. For most of the last two years it had been Adam, Stacey and herself, and now as their High School lives ended, so it seems did a part of her friendships. As she watched Adam walk away she couldn't help but wonder what else was going to change in her life.
"Are you okay?"
She turned around to see her best friend looking worried at her. She'd been holding in all that she was feeling, while her and Adam talked. However now faced with the concerned look on her best friend's face, those barriers fell, and she couldn't stop the tears from flowing.
Stacey quickly moved forward and wrapped her arms around her friend. "Come on, it's all right." She told her gently.
"I do really like him," Dawn told her, wiping away some of the tears.
"I know you did. But he wanted more?" she asked.
"Yeah," Dawn replied. For all her rationalizing about her trip to San Francisco and Xander being there as being the problem, she knew deep down that Adam could tell that he felt more for her, than she did for him. And for that, Dawn didn't feel like that good of a person, at that moment.
"You couldn't lie to him, Dawn," Stacey told her firmly. "He already knew."
Dawn nodded. "It still hurts."
"Yeah, break-ups do usually," Stacey told her giving her a light pat on the back. "So what about the other man in your life?" Stacey asked after a while.
"Xander?" Dawn replied, knowing that of course she was referring to Xander.
"Yes, you know, tall, dark and handsome. Likes to kiss unsuspecting girls, and watch their graduations from behind the trees," Stacey replied not resisting the chance to rub it in to her best friend.
"You saw him?' Dawn asked surprised.
"Yeah," Stacey replied, then realising what Dawn's question meant, she added, "You did as well."
She couldn't hide the smile, as she told Stacey, "Oh yeah, I saw him."
"So?" Stacey asked.
"I don't know," Dawn replied.
**************
Xander scanned the crowd again, but in the throng that had gathered around the graduating class he'd lost sight of Dawn as she was talking to Stacey. He stepped up on his toes, trying to get a slightly higher look, but once again, all he saw was a sea of anonymous faces. Shrugging to himself, but happy that he at least got to see one of the things he'd promised himself he would, he decided that he may as well head back to his apartment and pack for the trip tomorrow.
He took one last look at the crowd. Not seeing her, he spun around, then came to an abrupt stop. Standing in front of him, was the person he'd been looking for. He couldn't help but smile at her presence. Even though they hadn't spoken since that fateful night, he didn't count the mumble exchange as words, her presence made him feel complete and the fact that she'd sought him out gave him nothing but pleasure.
"Hi," he addressed her a little shyly.
"Hey,' she replied. "How have you been?"
Xander shrugged, grateful that at least they had found words to say to each other. "I've been okay. You looked good up there."
This time it was Dawn to be set upon by a sudden case of shyness. She turned a little red before replying. "Thanks."
"You going out tonight?" Xander asked, thinking there must be an end of school party happening somewhere.
"Yeah, for a while. But we're leaving pretty early tomorrow," she responded. Looking over Xander's shoulder, she could see that Buffy was standing a little way back from them, but looking on very curiously at the two of them. "Did you and Buffy have a fight?"
Xander shook his head. "Not really. It's...complicated."
Dawn nodded, almost expecting the answer she got. "Look I've got to go, but..." she paused, looking a little frightened to ask her next question. "When we get to San Francisco can we talk?"
There was a part of Xander who didn't want to say anything. He wasn't sure what he wanted to tell her. But he also knew that she was reaching out, and if he said nothing now, she might not do so again. "I'd like that," he told her warmly, hoping that by the time that talk came along he would know what to say.
Dawn smiled at him, causing his heart to flutter just a little. It was so easy, in these situations to forget that this wasn't the Dawn that he shared a part of his life with. The little curves on her lips when she grinned were so familiar to him that he had to tell himself that it wasn't.
"Good," she replied. "I'll see you tomorrow?"
"Yeah, you will," he replied, marveling at the almost normal conversation they'd just had. He watched her closely as she moved past him, turning as she did, to continue his gaze as she walked to Buffy.
She paused just in front of him, and turned slightly so she could just see his face. "Thanks for coming today," she told him softly. "It meant a lot."
"I wouldn't have missed it for anything," he told her in reply.
Her smile now even wider, she nodded, just slightly at him, before walking away to her waiting sister.
For the first time in a very long time, Xander felt as though something might be going right for him. He stood there watching as Dawn made her way to Buffy, and was overjoyed to see Buffy cast him a glance. He was sure that her eyes showed... well something. He didn't know what, but it wasn't anger. And for that he felt extremely grateful.
In fact, he felt a lot lighter than he'd felt for a very long time. He walked away from the rest of the group, to where he'd parked, amazed at how he seemed to be floating as he moved forward. Upon reaching his car, he was very surprised to find Stacey waiting for him, leaning against the door.
"Hey," he greeted her as he got there.
"Did she catch up with you?" Stacey asked.
"Yeah, she did," he replied. "Congratulations, by the way."
"Thanks," Stacey answered. "Look, I know something's going down in San Francisco..."
Xander stood there, not knowing what to say.
Stacey released him from his dilemma by adding. "Don't worry, I don't think I'm supposed to know. But I'm not dumb. I know that Dawn's sister is involved as is most of your friends."
"I don't know what to tell you," Xander replied, not surprised that Stacey wasn't one of the many residents of Sunnydale that just stuck her head in the sand at all the weirdness that used to be rampant around their town.
"You don't need to tell me anything. Just promise me that you'll bring her back?"
Xander nodded. "I will."
"I mean she can be a pain in the ass, but she's my best friend and I'm scared this time."
He wanted to tell her that it would be okay, that Dawn will be coming home, and they'd have nothing more dangerous than College Freshman to worry about. But underneath Stacey's light-hearted tone, Xander could see a very deep concern. She was being very honest in her worries, and he just couldn't lie to her. Even under the best intentions.
"I'll do my best."
She could tell by his words that he couldn't give any further guarantee, and though she wished he could, she understood. She nodded, letting him know that she got the picture.
"Umm, do you need a lift somewhere?" he asked, seeing that she seemed a little lost.
"No, I'm fine. Thanks though," she replied.
"No biggie. Have a great time tonight okay?" he told her, having an idea that she wouldn't be able to relax till Dawn came home.
***************
There was something in the air that morning. They could all feel it. It wasn't just that it was unusually crisp for a June morning. Or that there was a slight fog covering the ground. It was thicker, though more intangible. Buffy could feel it in the very core of her being, as she brought her last bag out to her car, and packed it in the trunk, squeezing down on some of the other pieces of luggage that her and Dawn had managed to pack in.
The front door opened and Dawn walked out, carrying a small bag, followed by Giles, who was showing all the stress of the last few days in his face.
"Are you okay?" Dawn asked, as she reached her sister.
"Yeah, it's just..." She stopped and looked around. "Don't you feel it?"
Both Dawn and Giles, who had reached her by now, looked around as well. They couldn't see anything, but each of them felt it. Giles, knew what it was. "It's fear Buffy," he said quietly.
His words sent a shudder through Dawn, but she was determined to stay confident for her sister. "We're going to do it," she told Buffy.
Buffy gave her sister a warm grin, letting her know she appreciated the sentiment. "I love you, you know."
As Dawn wrapped her arms around her sister, another car pulled up at the curb of their place. Peering out from the side of her sister's body Dawn saw that it was Xander, with Tara, Willow, Cordelia and Wesley. She already knew that Wesley would be joining them in their car. There was a little part of her that had been tempted to go with Xander, but it was a small part. She knew they had to talk before they got, whatever it was they had, on track again. And that was something she wanted to do in private, not in a car with others. More than that was the fact that the drive would give her more time to spend with her sister. Something that she wouldn't trade for anything.
Xander stayed in the car, as he pulled up. He still felt a little wary around Buffy and Giles, something that he hoped he would be able to sort out in San Francisco. His gaze stayed on them, noticing that Dawn had thrown a couple of little glances his way, as Wesley got out and walked over to join the rest of his group.
"Are you going to talk to Buffy?" Willow asked, noticing where her friend was looking at.
"I will once we settle in," Xander answered. "I hope she just needed sometime."
"It'll work out," Tara told him confidently.
"I trust you," Cordelia blurted out, seemingly out of nowhere, causing the other three to turn to her. She looked more than a little embarrassed, but with the eyes of the three on her, she knew that she had to continue. "We're friends, Xander. Good friends." Seeing Xander nod in agreement she continued. "And I don't want to go into whatever we're going into with anything between us. Especially something as crappy as that. So I trust you."
"Thanks Cordy, that does mean a lot," Xander told her, reaching over and squeezing her hand. He hadn't talked to Cordelia or Wesley about the friendship they had in the future, and he didn't know if he would. If they made it, then Xander figured it was just one of the things they could all work on.
"It looks like they're ready," Willow said, causing Xander to turn back around, and noticing that they were all in the car, and were backing out.
As they pulled out, he saw Dawn looking at him. When their eyes met, he raised his hand, to give her a small wave, something that she returned, causing him to break out in a big grin. He turned the key over, and started the car, pulling out from the curb. Looking in the rear view mirror, he could see Willow and Tara both looking at him inquisitively, with big smiles on their faces. Turning to where Cordelia was sitting next to him, he could tell she was trying not to laugh.
All of the sudden, Xander realised that his feelings for Dawn were no longer secret from anyone in the car.
*****
Buffy noticed the exchange between Xander and Dawn, and smiled a little. Amongst everything else that was happening, it was almost innocent, and she couldn't be unhappy with that. It was more than a little weird, but against what was coming, and her own strained relationship with Xander, she wasn't going to complain about something that made two people she loved happy. She just hoped that time would provide a chance to talk with him.
Dawn turned around and noticed Buffy was looking at her, and couldn't help lightly hitting her sister in the arm. "Shut up" she said, a little embarrassed.
"What's up?" Giles asked from the back of the car.
Buffy and Dawn both looked at each other and couldn't help but smile. Each of them stifling their laughter somewhat. It was such a normal thing for sisters to do; it took a few seconds for Dawn to realise that Buffy was smiling. She watched as her sister's mood had deteriorated the previous night, and no matter what she tried to do, she seemed incapable of changing it. But now, even if it was a little at her expense, and a little at Giles, it was a small price to pay for a tiny respite on the doom that seemed to surround Buffy.
As they drove out of town, she did notice however that the lighthearted look, washed away from Buffy's face. The look of worry that had been so prevalent was back again.
"Are you okay?" Dawn asked as they passed the 'Leaving Sunnydale' sign.
"Yeah," she replied softly, wondering inside if this would be the last time she saw her home.
End Part Twenty
Tara watched sadly as Xander left the shop. The sound of the door swinging back into position and the ringing of the doorbell providing an almost fitting soundtrack to his exit. But as much as she understood his need to leave, it didn't solve anything, and judging by the looks on the rest of the assembled throng, it only further cemented their idea that he was unreliable. Since they were all supposed to be working together to combat the coming threat, Xander's outburst and well appreciated words of support for her, had ultimately not helped.
The silence that had fallen over the shop showed no signs of abating. Looking at the rest of them, she could see that they were all in thought, not knowing what to say or how to respond. Then after a few moments, Giles, Wesley and Angel went back to their research, their actions indicating that if they ignored it, they could forget about it for now.
She thought that they all seemed to be adopting that philosophy till her gaze turned towards Buffy, and instead of the look of resignation she'd seen on the others, she saw that the blonde slayer was instead looking to where Xander had left. And by the look of concentration on her face, she seemed to be pondering on the words that he's said. After a few moments, Tara felt a little uncomfortable and thinking that she should leave Buffy to whatever thoughts she had, she went to look elsewhere, when Buffy opened her mouth in shock, looking straight at Tara.
"Oh my god!" Buffy almost gasped in shock at the conclusion she'd come to. Her gaze was firmly fixed now on Tara, almost daring the blonde witch to deny what she'd just worked out. Or was that wishing and hoping. Whatever it was, she was not going to be satisfied, when instead she saw only a slight look of fear in Tara's eyes confirming, it seemed, Buffy's thoughts.
"I'm going to find him," Buffy announced to everyone.
"You sure you want to do that?" Giles asked. "He seemed rather worked up."
"I'm a big girl remember, Giles. Slayer strength and all that."
"Yes, quite. But I don't think Xander's going to throw a punch at you," Giles countered.
"He's also not going to hurt her either," Tara butted in, not liking the unspoken implication in Giles's words.
Not responding to Tara's objection, Giles simply starred at her for a few seconds, before turning his attention back to Buffy. "What I mean is that he seems pretty unstable, and he might say something."
"Oh, I've heard enough of this," Tara objected again, throwing her hands up, and swiveling around to walk out, only to be stopped by Buffy. She could see something like contrition in the slayer's eyes, and for a second she paused, letting Buffy talk to her.
"Please, let me talk to him," Buffy asked her, feeling a little strange that she felt like she had to ask permission.
It took a great deal of will for Tara to back down. Her defenses had been at the high water mark following the earlier confrontation, but something in Buffy's voice brought them down a little. Beyond her frustration and almost disbelief at some of the groups' reaction to Xander's words, there was something underneath Buffy's tone that assured her she only wanted to talk to him.
"Just listen to him," Tara told her gently, but firmly enough so Buffy knew how important it was.
Buffy nodded in return, then turning her head, she signaled to Giles that she was going. "I'll be back later."
"Okay," Giles replied.
Once Buffy had left the shop, Tara no longer felt like being there herself, and was about to go as well, when she felt the gentle touch of a hand on her shoulder.
"What!" Tara snapped, a little harder than she'd meant to. "I'm sorry," she added, seeing the shock in Giles's face.
"You have to understand that we just want to make sure we know everything that could help Buffy. And us all," he replied. She could've been mistaken, but she thought for a moment that Giles had put extra emphasis on the last part of his explanation, in case Buffy wasn't a good enough reason.
"And the fact we've told you that you know everything Xander knows that is relevant means nothing?" Tara replied.
"Well some of Xander's information hasn't been one hundred percent accurate. Maybe his memory is a little mixed up," Giles replied delicately.
"What if I told you that he's told you everything you need to know?" Tara asked, hating that the bridge of friendship that was between them seemed to be falling down as she spoke.
"How do we know he's told you everything?" Giles answered.
Tara shook her head sadly. "It's called trust Giles." She took a few steps back from him. She knew that this wasn't the same Giles that she'd come to love as part of her family. This Giles was one under a level of stress that she'd not wish on anyone. But no matter how much she could excuse his words, it still hurt.
"It's called trust," she softly said again, sitting down in one of the chairs. She didn't know whether she'd stay long, but if Buffy was going to talk to Xander, she may as well stay and do a little to help. However, she made sure to sit a little away from the others. Eventually she'd feel different, but till then, the gap between them gave her, and them some breathing space.
*********************
Buffy couldn't help but wryly grin as she saw his figure sitting still in front of her. Even now, all these years later, she knew he'd be here. And for the first time, she felt as though she actually had an idea as to why. She stepped quietly up to him. She felt as though she was intruding almost on something that was special to him, but there was a need inside of her that overrode any hesitation that she should leave him alone.
"Xand," she said quietly when she was just a few feet away from him.
Hearing her voice, Xander looked up, a little surprised to see her there, especially after the confrontation he'd just had with her and the others. He immediately thought that she'd come to berate him, or at the least interrogate him further. But seeing compassion in her eyes, he felt a little low for thinking so little of his friend.
"Hey Buff," he replied, as she took a seat next to him.
Buffy settled herself down and looked across at the clearing. In a very real way, this had been the place that was the starting point for all of the questions they had. She'd never imagined that four years on, it would still hold so many unanswered ones.
But now she felt a little stuck, not knowing where to start this conversation. She couldn't ignore it. It was there in front of her now and if she wanted to have a continuing relationship with him it had to be addressed now.
"I think I understand," she quietly told him.
Xander's head snapped around, not expecting this. "Understand what?"
Buffy couldn't stop herself smiling, though it was one tinged with sadness. "Why this place draws you here. What you lost."
His gazed stayed locked on her for a few seconds, before he turned away and looked out over the clearing again. "Yeah." Was all he said.
"Does she know?" Buffy asked, wondering if that would answer another of her questions.
Xander shook his head. "No," he replied, before looking up at Buffy. "How did you figure it out?"
She shrugged. "It just fell into place. I also remembered the one thing you said when you returned to us, in this place."
Xander nodded. "Dawn."
"Yeah. And the way she seemed to affect your moods and some of the things you said. And of course the way you looked at her yesterday..." Buffy's voice trailed off. She wasn't trying to accuse him of anything, and listing anything more was superfluous.
The silence surrounded them again. Buffy not knowing what to say, even though her mind was still screaming with questions, and Xander stuck in thought of what Buffy's next question would be.
In the end, he broke the silence himself. "So you aren't wigging out about this news?"
"I haven't got there yet, I don't think," Buffy replied laughing a little.
"She thought you'd freak," Xander responded.
"She did?" Buffy asked, feeling a little strange hearing something her sister would say in a future that didn't exist.
Smiling as he remembered the conversation, Xander answered. "We were discussing how you'd react to me asking her out."
"And have you?" Buffy asked, not really sure how she felt about it.
Xander shook his head.
"Was it serious?" Buffy then asked him, after another patch of silence.
She didn't need to hear his response. As soon as he turned his head to face her it was obvious by the look on his face how serious it was.
"It was as serious as you could get," he told her.
"And yet you came back to try and change it all?" she replied, thinking it more of a rhetorical question. Seeing the looking of guilt that flashed across Xander's face, she knew however that it was far from that simple. He looked away from her, and she could've sworn it was because he couldn't face her.
"What is it?" she asked gently.
"I can't," he replied, still not looking at her.
Buffy couldn't shake the feeling that she was hitting on something serious, and part of her, worried that it was something she didn't want to know. It was however, too late to stop. "Please, Xander?" she almost pleaded with him for the truth.
Xander really wanted Buffy and the others to trust him, but he knew if he didn't answer her question, he would have no chance of that. Steeling himself he replied, "It wasn't out choice to come back, Buffy."
There was a feeling of shame that Buffy picked up in his words that puzzled her. "What do you mean?"
This time Xander turned his whole body to face her, knowing that he had to live by this truth. "We were tricked. We thought that I had to return or die. But the truth was I didn't, and if it wasn't for the deception, I wouldn't have come back."
Buffy shook her head. "I don't understand."
Xander felt pain as he replied, her eyes were boring into his being, with unanswered questions, questioning his choice. "The world was a safer place. We were very happy, and there was no guarantee I'd be able to get back. Also we were told that I'd remember nothing anyway."
"I see," Buffy replied as she averted her eyes from his.
"It wasn't an easy decision, Buffy," Xander told her, his heart breaking as he felt like he'd betrayed her all over again.
"So what happened?" Buffy asked.
"We were lied to, and so I agreed to go back," Xander responded, not wanting to go further into it. As much as he felt the betrayal of Angel every time he looked at the vampire, it didn't change the fact that Xander still felt overwhelming guilt in his own actions, and deflecting any of the blame didn't sit well with him at that moment.
After a few moments silence, he softly asked her, "Are you okay?"
Buffy wanted to say yes. A part of her knew that the guilt was eating her friend up inside. But there was another part of her that felt empty. It wasn't hurt or betrayal or anything of the like. But to know that one of her best friends had to be tricked to try and save her life, left a hole in her heart. And it was making her feel sick.
She shook her head. "I need to go," she replied getting up.
"Buffy," Xander said, as he tried to grab her arm, which Buffy stepped back from.
"I need to go," she told him, hoping that he realised that she didn't hate him, but she needed to deal with it all by herself.
He nodded and then turned away, trying to ignore the sound of the leaves cracking under her feet as she ran out of the woods, leaving the clearing to Xander's worries.
***********
For most of the last hour, the magic shop had been filled only with silence. The occasional turning of a large book and the gentle thud it made as it hit the table being the only accompaniment to the sound of the occupants breathing.
The confrontation had left a heavy hangover, that none of them seemed ready to come out of just yet. Giles seemed to be affected by it the most. Even though he seemed to be perusing over some of the books in front of him, his mind was still wrestling with the question of Xander's actions and how much he could trust them. In a very real way he considered them all his responsibility, his family. Buffy may be his daughter, but the others were no less than nieces or nephews. And on other days, they could've been his children as well. And no matter what his apprehensions with Xander's forthcoming, or lack thereof, it did effect him to have his loyalty questioned as they both had done.
It didn't help his deliberations that Tara had stationed herself just a little bit away from the others, but still close enough for Giles to feel like he had the spotlight deliberately and permanently on him.
He turned to look at her, and was surprised to find that she wasn't looking at him. He could've sworn by the hole he felt being bored into the back of his skull that her eyes had been continuously on him.
Still he felt he should try and explain, now that some time had cooled the earlier passions.
"Tara," he said, getting up and walking slowly over to where she was sitting. When she saw her raise her head to face him, he knelt down at her side, trying to speak to her on a level height. "It's not that I want to distrust, Xander," he started to say, before realising it was the wrong way to begin.
Tara turned her head away, annoyed that Giles couldn't get past his worries. "Why can't you?" she asked him softly.
"There is so much that could go wrong, I want to make sure we have everything covered. Now some of what Xander has told us, has been very useful, but other bits of information have proved less reliable. It's those sort of discrepancies that I want to sort out."
"And you won't simply trust that he and I are have told you everything that we know." Tara responded, asking the one question that has been plaguing her.
"But we know that you are both hiding things from us," Giles answered knowing that no matter how gently he did, that was one tightrope he couldn't find the right balance on.
The frustration rising as she tempered her answer, Tara knew she bit back harder that she wanted to. "It's not called keeping things, when it's none of your business, Giles."
Seeing that Giles didn't immediately respond, she cooled her spirit, and added, with much regret, "But then you'd have to trust us."
They were both surprised when someone else responded.
"I do."
Giles and Tara both turned as one, as Buffy's voice floated across their space, breaking the tension somewhat.
"Buffy?" Giles asked, seeing that the rest of the shop's occupants had also heard her arrival.
"I trust him, Giles. And Tara. Let's leave it, and move on."
Tara's rejoice at hearing Buffy say those words was lessened when she saw the look on her friend's face. She seemed very troubled. "Are you okay, Buffy?" she asked.
Buffy shook her head, not in response, but more to clear her head. "I'm fine, but we've got plenty to do."
"Where's Xander?" Tara asked, more worried by Buffy's seemingly indifference at anything else.
"He's at the clearing," Buffy responded. Everyone at the shop knew exactly what clearing she meant.
As soon as the words had left Buffy's mouth, Tara got up and picked up her bag, knowing that if Xander had told Buffy, and it seemed likely he had, at least judging by Buffy's demeanor, she wanted to make sure he was okay.
"He's not a little kid, Tara," Buffy called out to her, with a slightly derisive edge to her voice. "You don't need to go running after him all the time."
The look of shock at the tone Buffy had taken with her was etched not only on Tara's face, but in the moment it took to spin around and face Buffy, she saw that Giles too was disturbed by it. Tara could only imagine what inner battle was occurring inside Buffy's mind for her to on one hand tell the others that they could trust Xander, but on the other feel almost antagonistic to him. It only confirmed what she first thought. Buffy now knew the true circumstances to Xander's return.
"I know he's not, Buffy. But you know, sometimes we need our friends," Tara replied, emphasising the last part, hoping that Buffy would understand that she might need the same from someone later on.
Tara didn't wait around any longer to see if Buffy got her meaning, though, and as the other members of their band of fighters watched, she walked out, not saying another word.
After a few moments silence, where no one seemed to know exactly where to start a conversation, it was Wesley who seemed to settle on the one almost safe area. "Are you sure you can trust them?" he asked Buffy, after both her and Giles had taken their seats across the table from them.
"Yeah," Buffy responded softly.
"Buffy, I don't think that..." Giles cautioned, wondering what had caused the sudden change of heart, before being cut off.
"Giles, I said I trust him, okay!" Buffy took a breath, noticing that the rest of the group had stopped what they were doing and seemed interested in nothing more than Buffy's change of heart. It became very un-nerving after a few seconds.
"I really don't think we have any time left to worry about it, anyway," She added, hoping that the lessening of her reason might sit better with them. Which it seemed to do. Cordelia, Fred and Gunn went back to whatever books they were researching, while Angel couldn't help but keep glancing over at Buffy, as if he could tell she'd been thrown off kilter by Xander's admission.
Buffy was about to tell him to stop staring at her, when she noticed Wesley move over to where Giles had stationed himself, obviously trying to be quiet about it, but seemingly forgetting the range of a slayer's hearing.
"He's not telling us everything, Giles," Wesley stated. "I'm not saying that he's deliberately misleading us. Lord knows, I consider him a friend, but how do we know?"
"I know," Giles answered. "But what am I do to? Lock him up and interrogate him." He quickly glanced at Buffy, not all that surprised to find that she was looking at them. "Anyway, whether we believe him or not, Buffy is right about one thing. We don't have time to worry about it."
At this Wesley nodded, accepting that one truth. "So you still want Angel to take an advance party up?"
"Yes," Giles replied, "and the rest of us will follow after Dawn's graduation."
The ringing of the front door bell averted all attention back to it. Some of the assembled group had wondered if Xander or Tara had returned, but they were all shocked to see whom it was step through the doorway.
"Well that was certainly a response," Lorne told them. "Though I tend to go for the standing ovation type of one, but hey, beggars can't be chooses in my line of work."
"And who might you be?" Giles asked, reaching behind him for anything that might help in a fight. Not that he was one to jump to conclusions, but he could count on one hand the number of times a demon had walked into the magic shop and not wanted to use him or his friends as a punching bag.
Angel got up and stood slightly in front of Giles in case he was about to launch an attack at his friends. "Umm, Giles, this is Lorne," Angel told him holding his hand out indicating the green demon that was looking a little perturbed now.
"Oh, right. Sorry," Giles replied.
"Hey no offense, just remember I'm a singer not a fighter," Lorne quipped as he walked over to the table and placed in the middle, with some force, a bundle of books.
"I'm glad to see everyone here is feeling the love," he added before taking a seat next to Fred. "How's it going with you?"
"I'm fine, thanks," Fred replied with a giggle.
"Well that's good, sugarpants. I however feel the need to go back to LA, so unless someone can tell me a reason not too..." Lorne started, wondering how far he'd get.
"You're coming with us to San Francisco," Angel cut him off.
"Somehow I figured I was," Lorne replied with a roll of his eyes.
"So when are we leaving?" Buffy asked, preferring to get the conversation on a strictly tactical topic.
"Lorne, Gunn, Fred and I are off tomorrow," Angel responded.
"So soon?" Buffy asked.
"We think that it would be best to have an advance party there, scouting the area, finding out anything they can," Wesley answered. "Cordelia and myself, will stay here researching, and come up on Saturday with the rest of you."
Buffy nodded. It all sounded logical to her. And it all gave further proof, not that any was needed, that the final battle was drawing ever closer.
*********
"Do you think I should see if Buffy's okay?" Willow asked as she shimmied her hands on the steering wheel, turning it into another street on the way back to her and Tara's home.
"Yeah, I think she might need someone to talk to," Tara answered.
Having been surprised by a phone call from Tara, Willow had put aside her plans to attend a post exam party with some of her college friends. The news that Xander was missing, again, and that Buffy now knew some big secret was intriguing, but at that same time, maddening. Especially as Willow only knew part of the story.
"And you can't tell me what happened?" Willow asked.
Tara sighed. She hoped that Xander understood that she had to. She would've preferred him to do it. She'd checked the clearing, but hadn't found him there. Then after meeting up with Willow, they'd both gone to his apartment but found that he wasn't there either. So now she knew it was up to her to decide what to say. This time, she knew she had to say something.
"I think that Xander told her the real events leading up to him returning to this time," she told Willow.
Willow's eyes closed slightly at the words. She hadn't even known that there was a 'real' story that was any different than the accepted story. "I don't understand."
"Xander was very happy in the future, Will. He didn't come back by choice," Tara admitted.
"But he could've saved Buffy?" Willow asked. The thought that Xander would've ever had to make a choice concerning Buffy's life, an almost alien thought to her.
Tara shook her head. "I think that Buffy is hurting over that thought."
"Wow," Willow replied. She could only guess at how Buffy would feel.
The next street they turned into was their own. Willow pulled the car up in the driveway, noticing someone sitting on the porch in one their chairs.
"Hey, there's Xander," Willow said, pointing to their friend. "Go and talk to him, I'll go and see Buffy."
Tara smiled warmly at her girlfriend. "Thanks." She leant over and kissed her gently, lightly rubbing the outside of her palm across her cheek. "I'll see you later?"
"You betch ya," Willow replied, with an impish grin. "I've finished exams and there is some celebrating that's long overdue."
Smiling slyly Tara's thoughts were suddenly filled with images of just what that celebration would entail. "I'll be waiting," she replied, kissing Willow again, before getting out of the car and waving as Willow drove off.
As she walked up the small path to the front of her house, she saw that Xander had gotten up off his seat and moved to meet her, at the steps.
"Hey," she greeted him as she got closer.
"Was that Wills?" he asked looking over her shoulder at the retreating car.
"Yeah," Tara replied.
"Oh, god, she's finished exams hasn't she. You two should be alone," Xander replied, feeling that he had intruded. In one of their numerous conversations, Xander had come to realise just how much time Willow had been away lately finishing up her course.
"There's plenty of time for that," Tara told him, as she gave him a hug. "Are you okay?"
Xander shrugged. "It could've been worse."
Tara turned her key in the lock and held the door open as Xander walked in. She followed behind and closed the door after herself. "I told Willow some of it. She's off to see Buffy," Tara told him, as Xander sat down.
"That's good," Xander replied nodding.
"It'll work out," Tara told him, with the confidence that she always seemed to exude.
"Yeah?" Xander asked.
"Yeah," Tara told him firmly, with a smile.
*********
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the graduating class of 2005."
At once the graduation caps of the class, all went up in the air, and the stands and chairs filled with proud family and friends, broke into applause, as they witnessed the end of the formal ceremony.
Xander had watched with a warm heart when Dawn was called up to collect her diploma. It was an event that he himself had not experienced, due to the coinciding event of the Mayor's ascension. He was very happy that Dawn was able to go through her graduation in a town that no longer had to worry about such things.
He wished he could have been closer. He would have liked to be sitting with the rest of them, but despite the days in between, and Tara's assurances to the contrary, he still felt less than totally welcome in the company of some of his friends.
The one time that Dawn and him had crossed paths, neither of them knew what to say to each other. After a few awkward embarrassed seconds, where they had each spluttered out some words, they turned quickly and walked away from each other.
Both Tara and Willow had assured him that Buffy didn't hate him, and had just been a little off kilter at the news he told her the previous Monday night, but he could tell that she also was at a loss for words when they were near each other. More than that though, facing Buffy meant facing the reality of what he and Dawn had chosen to do in the future. It was an examination of himself that he didn't like, no matter how much he knew he wouldn't have changed his decision if he had the choice again.
But more than anything else, this was Dawn's day, and in a way Buffy's as well. No matter how much he wanted to be here, he was not going to make it difficult for either of them. So instead, he stood as happy as he could be in the circumstances behind a tree, at the back of the assembled crowd, watching with pride as Dawn graduated from High School.
***********
As Dawn bent down to pick up what she was sure was her graduation cap, she couldn't help but smile as she once again pictured Xander watching her from behind one of the trees at the back of the quad.
Their awkward meeting earlier in the week had been hard, and after it she was more than a little angry at herself. When she thought about it, along with talking to Stacey, she knew that she wasn't angry with him. She also had to admit to herself that part of her was jumping for joy at what he'd done. For so long it had been a not so secret wish of hers. But that was years ago, and now she didn't know quite what to make of it. The shock of it all made her feel as though the earth was tilting on an axis and she was off balance from it. She had wanted to talk to him, but that courage didn't extend to going to his apartment. For the moment, any thought of that place only meant remembering the kiss. So instead she'd thought she would run into him at the Magic shop at least once in the last few days. The only problem was, when that did happen all her courage took a flying leap out of her body, and Xander and her did their best mumbling impressions before walking away.
Earlier today she'd made her way over to where her family and friends were sitting, and quickly noticed that Xander wasn't there. No matter what was going on, she didn't want him to miss her graduation, and it upset her to think that he would. She didn't say anything, but her disappointment must have been etched clearly on her face, as Tara had whispered in her ear.
"He's here. He didn't feel right being with us, so he's at the back somewhere."
She didn't know what to make of that. It was clear to her that Xander and Buffy had some sort of talk earlier in the week, and they hadn't talked since. But she also felt guilty that if not for their aborted meeting earlier, maybe he would've felt comfortable enough to sit with everyone else. However the warm feeling she got when she realised he was there was more than enough to compensate for the sadness she felt.
When she had collected her diploma, she was sure she'd seen him, at the back where Tara had said he would be, clapping and cheering along with the others. Her heart had swelled a little as she did, but then as she walked off, her eyes met with Adam's and she felt more than just a little pain.
She hated that he'd put an 'ultimatum' on their relationship. But beyond that she knew that it didn't change anything. She was going to San Francisco and that wasn't changing. Adam wasn't going and that wouldn't change either. And as much as she tried to deny it, Xander's reappearance had thrown a huge obstacle in her and Adam's relationship. For although she didn't know what she truly felt for Xander, there was a bond there between them that even Adam could see. She also knew that he had worked out he wouldn't be able to break it.
"Hey!"
Spinning around, and wondering if he'd heard any of her inner thoughts for a minute she faced her boyfriend, knowing that this was the time.
"Hi," she said quietly.
"So, we made it," he told her.
"Yeah," she answered noticing that it had suddenly become hard to talk to the one person it never used to be.
"But we won't will we?" Adam told her, his eyes pleading with her to disagree with the question.
She longed to tell him that they would. There was nothing in her that liked hurting anyone, and she knew that the truth was going to hurt him. She didn't love him. Even without the impending trip, or the return of Xander, that was a truth she'd always known. But he was a good person, and he had been there for her, and she really did like him.
"No we won't," she told him, fighting to keep any tears away.
Adam shook his head slowly. "I didn't think so." He looked his now ex-girlfriend up and down, fighting in himself to hate her at that moment, but not being able to. "I hope he's worth it," he told her.
"Xander's not the reason," Dawn told him gently.
"No?" Adam replied not believing it.
"No," Dawn replied adamantly.
Adam shrugged, clearly not believing it. "I'm going to go," he told her with a little hesitation.
Dawn simply nodded, not trusting her voice to say anything. Beyond anything else, she felt as though part of her life had just ended. For most of the last two years it had been Adam, Stacey and herself, and now as their High School lives ended, so it seems did a part of her friendships. As she watched Adam walk away she couldn't help but wonder what else was going to change in her life.
"Are you okay?"
She turned around to see her best friend looking worried at her. She'd been holding in all that she was feeling, while her and Adam talked. However now faced with the concerned look on her best friend's face, those barriers fell, and she couldn't stop the tears from flowing.
Stacey quickly moved forward and wrapped her arms around her friend. "Come on, it's all right." She told her gently.
"I do really like him," Dawn told her, wiping away some of the tears.
"I know you did. But he wanted more?" she asked.
"Yeah," Dawn replied. For all her rationalizing about her trip to San Francisco and Xander being there as being the problem, she knew deep down that Adam could tell that he felt more for her, than she did for him. And for that, Dawn didn't feel like that good of a person, at that moment.
"You couldn't lie to him, Dawn," Stacey told her firmly. "He already knew."
Dawn nodded. "It still hurts."
"Yeah, break-ups do usually," Stacey told her giving her a light pat on the back. "So what about the other man in your life?" Stacey asked after a while.
"Xander?" Dawn replied, knowing that of course she was referring to Xander.
"Yes, you know, tall, dark and handsome. Likes to kiss unsuspecting girls, and watch their graduations from behind the trees," Stacey replied not resisting the chance to rub it in to her best friend.
"You saw him?' Dawn asked surprised.
"Yeah," Stacey replied, then realising what Dawn's question meant, she added, "You did as well."
She couldn't hide the smile, as she told Stacey, "Oh yeah, I saw him."
"So?" Stacey asked.
"I don't know," Dawn replied.
**************
Xander scanned the crowd again, but in the throng that had gathered around the graduating class he'd lost sight of Dawn as she was talking to Stacey. He stepped up on his toes, trying to get a slightly higher look, but once again, all he saw was a sea of anonymous faces. Shrugging to himself, but happy that he at least got to see one of the things he'd promised himself he would, he decided that he may as well head back to his apartment and pack for the trip tomorrow.
He took one last look at the crowd. Not seeing her, he spun around, then came to an abrupt stop. Standing in front of him, was the person he'd been looking for. He couldn't help but smile at her presence. Even though they hadn't spoken since that fateful night, he didn't count the mumble exchange as words, her presence made him feel complete and the fact that she'd sought him out gave him nothing but pleasure.
"Hi," he addressed her a little shyly.
"Hey,' she replied. "How have you been?"
Xander shrugged, grateful that at least they had found words to say to each other. "I've been okay. You looked good up there."
This time it was Dawn to be set upon by a sudden case of shyness. She turned a little red before replying. "Thanks."
"You going out tonight?" Xander asked, thinking there must be an end of school party happening somewhere.
"Yeah, for a while. But we're leaving pretty early tomorrow," she responded. Looking over Xander's shoulder, she could see that Buffy was standing a little way back from them, but looking on very curiously at the two of them. "Did you and Buffy have a fight?"
Xander shook his head. "Not really. It's...complicated."
Dawn nodded, almost expecting the answer she got. "Look I've got to go, but..." she paused, looking a little frightened to ask her next question. "When we get to San Francisco can we talk?"
There was a part of Xander who didn't want to say anything. He wasn't sure what he wanted to tell her. But he also knew that she was reaching out, and if he said nothing now, she might not do so again. "I'd like that," he told her warmly, hoping that by the time that talk came along he would know what to say.
Dawn smiled at him, causing his heart to flutter just a little. It was so easy, in these situations to forget that this wasn't the Dawn that he shared a part of his life with. The little curves on her lips when she grinned were so familiar to him that he had to tell himself that it wasn't.
"Good," she replied. "I'll see you tomorrow?"
"Yeah, you will," he replied, marveling at the almost normal conversation they'd just had. He watched her closely as she moved past him, turning as she did, to continue his gaze as she walked to Buffy.
She paused just in front of him, and turned slightly so she could just see his face. "Thanks for coming today," she told him softly. "It meant a lot."
"I wouldn't have missed it for anything," he told her in reply.
Her smile now even wider, she nodded, just slightly at him, before walking away to her waiting sister.
For the first time in a very long time, Xander felt as though something might be going right for him. He stood there watching as Dawn made her way to Buffy, and was overjoyed to see Buffy cast him a glance. He was sure that her eyes showed... well something. He didn't know what, but it wasn't anger. And for that he felt extremely grateful.
In fact, he felt a lot lighter than he'd felt for a very long time. He walked away from the rest of the group, to where he'd parked, amazed at how he seemed to be floating as he moved forward. Upon reaching his car, he was very surprised to find Stacey waiting for him, leaning against the door.
"Hey," he greeted her as he got there.
"Did she catch up with you?" Stacey asked.
"Yeah, she did," he replied. "Congratulations, by the way."
"Thanks," Stacey answered. "Look, I know something's going down in San Francisco..."
Xander stood there, not knowing what to say.
Stacey released him from his dilemma by adding. "Don't worry, I don't think I'm supposed to know. But I'm not dumb. I know that Dawn's sister is involved as is most of your friends."
"I don't know what to tell you," Xander replied, not surprised that Stacey wasn't one of the many residents of Sunnydale that just stuck her head in the sand at all the weirdness that used to be rampant around their town.
"You don't need to tell me anything. Just promise me that you'll bring her back?"
Xander nodded. "I will."
"I mean she can be a pain in the ass, but she's my best friend and I'm scared this time."
He wanted to tell her that it would be okay, that Dawn will be coming home, and they'd have nothing more dangerous than College Freshman to worry about. But underneath Stacey's light-hearted tone, Xander could see a very deep concern. She was being very honest in her worries, and he just couldn't lie to her. Even under the best intentions.
"I'll do my best."
She could tell by his words that he couldn't give any further guarantee, and though she wished he could, she understood. She nodded, letting him know that she got the picture.
"Umm, do you need a lift somewhere?" he asked, seeing that she seemed a little lost.
"No, I'm fine. Thanks though," she replied.
"No biggie. Have a great time tonight okay?" he told her, having an idea that she wouldn't be able to relax till Dawn came home.
***************
There was something in the air that morning. They could all feel it. It wasn't just that it was unusually crisp for a June morning. Or that there was a slight fog covering the ground. It was thicker, though more intangible. Buffy could feel it in the very core of her being, as she brought her last bag out to her car, and packed it in the trunk, squeezing down on some of the other pieces of luggage that her and Dawn had managed to pack in.
The front door opened and Dawn walked out, carrying a small bag, followed by Giles, who was showing all the stress of the last few days in his face.
"Are you okay?" Dawn asked, as she reached her sister.
"Yeah, it's just..." She stopped and looked around. "Don't you feel it?"
Both Dawn and Giles, who had reached her by now, looked around as well. They couldn't see anything, but each of them felt it. Giles, knew what it was. "It's fear Buffy," he said quietly.
His words sent a shudder through Dawn, but she was determined to stay confident for her sister. "We're going to do it," she told Buffy.
Buffy gave her sister a warm grin, letting her know she appreciated the sentiment. "I love you, you know."
As Dawn wrapped her arms around her sister, another car pulled up at the curb of their place. Peering out from the side of her sister's body Dawn saw that it was Xander, with Tara, Willow, Cordelia and Wesley. She already knew that Wesley would be joining them in their car. There was a little part of her that had been tempted to go with Xander, but it was a small part. She knew they had to talk before they got, whatever it was they had, on track again. And that was something she wanted to do in private, not in a car with others. More than that was the fact that the drive would give her more time to spend with her sister. Something that she wouldn't trade for anything.
Xander stayed in the car, as he pulled up. He still felt a little wary around Buffy and Giles, something that he hoped he would be able to sort out in San Francisco. His gaze stayed on them, noticing that Dawn had thrown a couple of little glances his way, as Wesley got out and walked over to join the rest of his group.
"Are you going to talk to Buffy?" Willow asked, noticing where her friend was looking at.
"I will once we settle in," Xander answered. "I hope she just needed sometime."
"It'll work out," Tara told him confidently.
"I trust you," Cordelia blurted out, seemingly out of nowhere, causing the other three to turn to her. She looked more than a little embarrassed, but with the eyes of the three on her, she knew that she had to continue. "We're friends, Xander. Good friends." Seeing Xander nod in agreement she continued. "And I don't want to go into whatever we're going into with anything between us. Especially something as crappy as that. So I trust you."
"Thanks Cordy, that does mean a lot," Xander told her, reaching over and squeezing her hand. He hadn't talked to Cordelia or Wesley about the friendship they had in the future, and he didn't know if he would. If they made it, then Xander figured it was just one of the things they could all work on.
"It looks like they're ready," Willow said, causing Xander to turn back around, and noticing that they were all in the car, and were backing out.
As they pulled out, he saw Dawn looking at him. When their eyes met, he raised his hand, to give her a small wave, something that she returned, causing him to break out in a big grin. He turned the key over, and started the car, pulling out from the curb. Looking in the rear view mirror, he could see Willow and Tara both looking at him inquisitively, with big smiles on their faces. Turning to where Cordelia was sitting next to him, he could tell she was trying not to laugh.
All of the sudden, Xander realised that his feelings for Dawn were no longer secret from anyone in the car.
*****
Buffy noticed the exchange between Xander and Dawn, and smiled a little. Amongst everything else that was happening, it was almost innocent, and she couldn't be unhappy with that. It was more than a little weird, but against what was coming, and her own strained relationship with Xander, she wasn't going to complain about something that made two people she loved happy. She just hoped that time would provide a chance to talk with him.
Dawn turned around and noticed Buffy was looking at her, and couldn't help lightly hitting her sister in the arm. "Shut up" she said, a little embarrassed.
"What's up?" Giles asked from the back of the car.
Buffy and Dawn both looked at each other and couldn't help but smile. Each of them stifling their laughter somewhat. It was such a normal thing for sisters to do; it took a few seconds for Dawn to realise that Buffy was smiling. She watched as her sister's mood had deteriorated the previous night, and no matter what she tried to do, she seemed incapable of changing it. But now, even if it was a little at her expense, and a little at Giles, it was a small price to pay for a tiny respite on the doom that seemed to surround Buffy.
As they drove out of town, she did notice however that the lighthearted look, washed away from Buffy's face. The look of worry that had been so prevalent was back again.
"Are you okay?" Dawn asked as they passed the 'Leaving Sunnydale' sign.
"Yeah," she replied softly, wondering inside if this would be the last time she saw her home.
End Part Twenty