Summary: A continuation to New Year's Eve at the Toya's. Hikaru and Akira begin their relationship, running into both foreseen and unexpected hardships along the way. Will they be able to maintain their love for each other in the wake of adversity?

Disclaimer: Hikaru no Go is written by Yumi Hotta and the animated series was created by Studio Pierrot. Please do not construe the writing of this fanfiction as a claim to ownership in any way.

A New Year, A New Life

15 – Lucky

Akira entered his father's den, Akiko looking on with apprehension. It had been a week since his release from the hospital. Instead of him returning to them, to living "rightly" among them, Akiko had woken up the morning after only to find that Akira's room was still unoccupied. She had rushed into her husband's den, full of fear and panic. Koyo sat in stony silence as she accused him of pushing Akira away before he was ready. Unable to stand being ignored, Akiko hurried to the one place she figured Akira would have gone in such a circumstance.

Mrs. Shindo was home and had been happy to receive Akiko. Over tea, they sat and talked, Mrs. Shindo enlightening Akiko on what their nearly grown sons had been up to the past few weeks. Akiko could hardly believe that Akira would have done such a thing, and behind her back. To move out of the family home so abruptly, without saying goodbye. It caused a horrible pain in her chest. That her only son couldn't come to her to discuss such an important stepping stone in his life; that he would leave them without even saying goodbye; that he would confide this news with a woman other than his own mother. It hurt her worse than seeing him injured in the hospital had hurt her.

She received no attentions from her husband, who holed himself in his den and would see no visitors. Occasionally, she heard him arguing over the phone, but instead of eavesdropping, Akiko retreated to her garden to grieve and contemplate how things could have turned out differently for her and her family. She wondered how long she would have to go without hearing from the only two people in the world that mattered more to her than anything else, her husband and her child.

It was four days later when Akiko received the phone call from Akira.

"Is he home?" he'd asked. When Akiko answered that he was, Akira told her that he wanted to meet with her before he saw Toya Koyo again. Throughout the entire call and their meeting at a small café near Akira's new home, Akira did not once refer to Koyo as his father.

Akira told her that he missed her. He missed her cooking, and he missed gardening with her. He told her that he wished that they could have time to spend at the Toya house together without Koyo around. He also told her that he was sure that it would never happen and that he felt sorry for the situation.

Akiko in turn told him that she missed him, and that she wanted him to come home. He told her that as a self-sustaining young adult, there was no reason for him to remain at home, but that he would like to visit. Akiko nodded, and Akira rose to leave. Afraid for him to be going so soon, Akiko suggested that Akira invite her over to his new place. Akira told her that he was not ready to do such a thing, and again, Akiko was hurt. Mrs. Shindo spoke of being there numerous times. Wasn't Akiko invited? To her own son's new home? Akira told her that once she accepted the fact that it was Hikaru's home as much as it was his, that he would gladly have her over for dinner. He left her telling her that he desired to speak in private with Koyo, and that he would return on Saturday afternoon for that purpose.

And it was now Saturday. Akira closed the door behind him, looking over at his father, a man he no longer had to fear, but whom he inherently did fear. He walked over to his seat very slowly and lowered himself onto the pillow. Koyo faced him sternly, but he looked tired and worn, as if he hadn't had a decent night's sleep in days and it was catching up with him. Akira folded his hands in his lap and cleared his throat.

"Toya-san…" he said. "I would like to speak to you about…something very important."

"Is it money?" Koyo asked. His voice was a mix of anger and willingness. It was unusual. His eyebrows had tented very slightly. It was a gesture he made when he was patiently explaining something to someone. Akira unconsciously fiddled with the cuff of his left sleeve.

"No…no, Toya-san, this isn't about money. This is about…my future as your son."

"Your mother and I…" Koyo began. Even his voice was worn. Akira's posture lost some of its defensive tension. "Your mother and I desire your return," he said.

"I understand," Akira said. "But unfortunately, my arrangement is one that cannot be readily broken. I have prepared to pay you and mother for the items I have taken that weren't purchased by me—" Koyo raised a hand to stop him.

"We purchased it for you," he said. "It is yours to do with as you please." Akira nodded, and didn't stress the point.

"I…I would like to be able to visit," he said. "And I would like for you and mother to visit me and Hikaru." Almost instantly, Koyo's expression shifted into one of disgust. Akira looked away. "I would like that," he said. "But I am sure it will never happen. I don't want things between us to be tense, Toya-san. So…I…I just have a question for you. I just need you to answer one thing for me, and then I will know what to do." Koyo didn't speak. He adjusted his position, placing his hands within the sleeves of his thick, wool kimono. Akira recognized it as a defensive position he took on when he was challenged in a game. Akira didn't know why his father felt challenged. He thought that there was nothing that he had that his father should have felt threatened by, but there were many things Akira did not understand about parenthood. "It's…it's about my accident." Koyo nodded.

"Go on," he said.

"I…I was just wondering, Toya-san… Should anything ever happen to me…how much could I depend on your love and support to help pull me through? When…when it first happened, I thought…well, this is the end for me. And I thought about all the people that…would care about me…that would work to help me. And in my heart, I didn't feel that…you would be one of them."

"But you are my son, Akira."

"I want to believe that," Akira said. "But I just can't right now. Because…had the circumstances been different…had I been some other person's child…you would not have wanted me to survive." Koyo looked thoroughly tested. He folded his arms tighter towards himself.

"How can you say that?" he asked, his expression one of disbelief. Akira raised his eyes to him finally.

"If someone gets hit by a car, he should expect his father to care that it had happened. To be by his side and to comfort him. Instead, and I was right in assuming this…you pushed me away, Toya-san. You asked me…if I felt I'd learned my lesson. It was because you hadn't known that a car had hit me. You thought that I had been attacked, and possibly because of who I am. Well…I understand what you meant. You felt that I had deserved it because I got what was coming to me. You felt that I had been punished for the choices that I made. If I had been someone else's child, and I had been hit by a car, it is likely that you would wish for me to get better. If you didn't have any knowledge of my orientation, you would have wished for me to get better. However, if someone's child had been beaten by criminals who wanted to kill him because he was…homosexual, you wouldn't want him to survive, father. And that leads me to ask…would you want me to live beyond that if it happened to me? At the time, you were angry and scorned. You didn't realize the extent of the situation. You were going by instinct and a person's instinct doesn't always represent their true feelings. I want to know, father, that if someone had attacked me because I am the way I am, would you be there for me?"

"Akira…" Koyo said, shaking his head. He took in a deep breath and shook his head again. "You just don't understand. Your life is precious. It can be taken away from you at anytime, you should realize that more than anyone else. I can't accept that you would waste it this way, in an unproductive, disrespectful manner even after seeing and understanding that it can kill you. You should have learned from this to correct your errors and move forward righting your life."

"I have," Akira said. "Because I realized what was most important to me. It wasn't to please overbearing, abusive parents. It was to embrace who I am deep inside and be true to myself."

"You'll die this way."

"I know that!" Akira snapped, angry and frustrated at the situation. At his father. "I know it. Just existing is a risk in itself, Toya-san, but that doesn't mean that one should live like a frightened dog and never experience life to the fullest. There are more things in this life that can end a life than anyone can imagine. That's proof that you shouldn't cower and adhere to what is "safe," because no one is ever truly safe. I will be myself, I will please myself. I will not drag a woman into a loveless relationship and rear children in a hostile environment. That is more detrimental than exploring a life of love and honesty with Hikaru." Akira rose to his feet, eyes burning and lips trembling. "I love you, Toya Koyo, because I am biologically your son, and I have believed that you loved me in return. But I now see that everything that you have given me has been based on conditions that I as a young adult have come to understand that I cannot fulfill. And so I can no longer be your son. I'm sorry." Akira turned from Koyo quickly, tears spilling over his cheeks with that action.

"Akira!" The pure desperation in Koyo's voice tore at Akira's heart. He hurried from the room, unable to hold back the choking sobs that needed to be released. "Akira, wait!" Akiko was standing close to the den; she had been eavesdropping. She reached for her son, attempting to hold him and ground him in her home, in her life.

"Mother…" Akira cried, his slender body shaking with the force of his weeping. "I'm sorry," he said, and he hurried past her up the step into the foyer. He grabbed his shoes without stopping to slip them on and left the house.

"Akira!" his father called again. Akira shook his head, pounding the pavement painfully hard in his efforts to escape from his parent's home. Hikaru was double parked on the street. His door opened and he stepped out of the car, startled.

"Akira, what—"

"Go, let's just go!" Akira said, slowing so that he could safely get into the car. He slammed his door and buried his face within his hands, lowering himself to tuck his head by his knees. Hikaru got back into the car and took off, slowing once he reached a main street. At the first light he reached over and rubbed Akira's back. Akira was sobbing uncontrollably. Hikaru turned off his music and stroked Akira's hair, hoping it would help to calm him down.

"Akira, what happened?" Akira shook his head, his sobs coming so hard, he was unable to speak. Hikaru eased from the brake as the light changed, driving cautiously the rest of the way home. Hikaru helped Akira from the car and into their apartment where he sat him down by the kotatsu. It was obvious by how clean the apartment was that his mother had been by to straighten up after them.

Hikaru wished Akira had never given Mrs. Shindo access to keys to the apartment. She was the only person who Hikaru could imagine had stopped by to leave them dinner, clean their kitchen, wash their clothes and clean their bathroom, all on separate occasions. She had also shampooed the blood stained carpet in the bedroom and cleaned the mess that Akira had tracked in when he'd come home after being hit by that car. Hikaru wasn't complaining as much as he was just worried about her walking in on them at an inopportune time.

Sai was sitting in the living room waiting for them. Hikaru had left a few magazines open and kifu sheets laying around for Sai to keep him busy, but his mother had put them away, much to Sai's amusement. He sat by Akira while Hikaru made some tea.

I take it it didn't go so well…

I guess not. He hasn't said a word about it since he went flying from the house.

The poor thing… Hikaru walked over with the tray of tea and sat it on the kotatsu. Akira eagerly reached up to take a mug. He looked inside, and blinked, obviously expecting it to be full. Hikaru smiled at him.

"Let me serve you," he said.

You know what would cheer him up? Sai asked as Hikaru poured two cups of teas. Akira held on to his mug as if afraid it would disappear if he didn't keep a tight grasp on it.

What?

GO. Hikaru made a show of rolling his eyes at Sai, and Sai gave him no reaction. A game with both me and you would make him so happy, he explained. Hikaru shrugged and rubbed Akira's back.

"Would playing a game make you feel better?" he asked. Akira looked at him solemnly. "How about a two gamer against both me and Sai?" Akira's eyes bulged and he looked around the room.

"Is he here now?" he asked. Noticing that his hands were beginning to shake, Akira set his mug down. "Is Master Sai here now?"

"He gets embarrassed when you call him that," Hikaru said. Sai nudged him.

I do not! he said. Hikaru chuckled and looked at Akira.

"Play with us," he said.

"I would be so honored. The Master of GO with his best student?" Akira's eyes reflected reverence.

I want my game to be on Toya's board, Sai said.

"Spirits don't get to make requests," Hikaru said.

"What did he say?" Akira asked eagerly. Hikaru shook his head as he stood to go to the cabinet that held two table top boards. He brought them over along with their chips and placed them on the kotatsu.

Akira indeed cheered up during the games. He won against Hikaru and lost against Sai. The energy that Hikaru felt from Sai grew more positive as Akira's emotions grew more positive. Hikaru couldn't imagine what Sai and Akira's experience together had been like, but he was glad that the three of them now shared their bond.

Later, Akira ran a bath and soaked in the tub for two hours. When he emerged, he looked more relaxed, but his skin had wrinkled up. Knowing that Sai never disturbed them while they were naked, Hikaru joined him in the bedroom. He wanted to talk to Akira without Sai's pestering.

Though Hikaru had seen him naked before, after the accident, Akira had become shy around him, and so Hikaru sat facing away from him. Akira was hesitant to talk about what had happened. He dressed slowly and distractedly, changing into his pajamas even though it was early evening. He sat next to Hikaru on the bed and held his hand. Hikaru nudged him.

"It'll make you feel better if you get it off your chest," he said.

"I know…" Akira let out a heavy breath. "It's just so hard…" Hikaru tugged his hand free and wrapped his arm around Akira's shoulders. He scooted closer and kissed Akira's temple.

"Let me help you," he whispered.

"It's just…the talk I had with dad…it was so hard… No one wants to think about…never having their parent's support… But he made it clear that…he wouldn't be there for me if I ever got into trouble over being myself…" Akira shook his head. "I told him that I…that I can't be his son if he felt that way…" Akira's voice broke and he sniffed. "I…I can't be his son…and he can't be my father…" Hikaru held him closer and rocked him.

"Did it really have to come to that, 'Kira?" he asked. Akira nodded. "That's devastating, 'Ki."

"It's because…of how he acted when he came to see me in the hospital…" Akira said, his voice wavering. "I…I didn't want to see either of them, but…knowing that mother was so broken up, it made me realize that she really does love me, and I wanted to reach out to her. I know that she would be there for me, she came back and sat with me… She loves me. But dad…he…he was just so cold and heartless. I was in so much pain and he…he refused to comfort me. It just hurt me so much. I'm not going to be the son he wants me to be. And I can't be his son knowing that he wouldn't support me, and love me."

"I know he loves you."

"Of course he does, he's my father. I love him, too, but…I just can't do this. I can't…I—" Akira broke into a sob. Hikaru wrapped his other arm around him and continued to rock him.

"I…I'm sorry, Akira…" he said.

"I'm sorry, too." Akira didn't speak much after that. He said that he was tired and so Hikaru left him to nap alone in their room. He sat out in the living room staring at the two boards that neither of them had cleaned up after the games were over. Sai was studying them quietly. Hikaru let the silence drift on, not sure what he wanted to do. He turned the TV on, but he wasn't able to find anything worth watching. He got up and flipped through Akira's photo album again, but looking at images of a young Akira living happily with his father only made the moment seem more painful. Hikaru put it away and resumed watching Sai, who was still studying the boards. "Sai…?" Sai perked and looked at Hikaru quickly.

"Yes?"

"I think…things will be okay." Sai pondered his words for a moment before nodding.

"Of course they will be," he said.

"I didn't think Akira would find out about you so soon."

"Well, those were the circumstances," Sai said simply. Hikaru watched him as his eyes scanned the two boards.

"Thanks, Sai," he said.

"For what?"

"I don't know…what would have happened to Akira without you." Sai smiled faintly.

"It's all right, Hikaru," he said. "How come you're not with him now?"

"He's sleeping. I don't want to be all in his way."

"I know you miss him," Sai said. "If he's asleep, why don't you just stay with him quietly and not wake him."

"Because he smells good…" Hikaru said. "And he feels good." Sai gave Hikaru an odd look. "It's complicated," Hikaru went on to say. "You wouldn't get it." Sai didn't seem to agree, but instead of arguing, he went back to studying the games. Hikaru was about to bug him again when his phone went off. He pulled the phone from his pocket and looked at the screen. It was Waya. Hikaru answered the call.

"Yo, whaddup, Kid?"

"Hey, it's Isumi."

"Oh, hey, Isumi. What's up?"

"I was just calling to see how things were going at the new place. Are you guys going to have a housewarming party? Everyone wants to see what the place looks like."

"Just give us a few days," Hikaru said. "We'll throw something together."

"How's Toya holding up?"

"Not so good," Hikaru said. "But he'll get better. He's got me, after all, and I'm the greatest." Isumi chuckled.

"Yeah, sure," he said. "If you guys need any help with anything, just let us know. We'll be more than happy to help you."

"You've done enough," Hikaru said. "We'll let you know about the party."

"Is Toya around?"

"He's napping."

"I see. Well, I'll try back later."

"Why you trying to speak to him so bad? You think I'm lying or something?"

"No, it's unrelated."

"I can't know about it?" Hikaru asked, suspicious.

"You aren't being jealous, are you?" Isumi asked. "Because while I like Toya as a friend, I have no interest in doing anything with him. You can just stop thinking those things, because they'll never happen."

"Hey, Akira's a hottie," Hikaru said. "So I know it's hard to resist him." Isumi snickered quietly, and then laughed more loudly, as though he was unable to help it. Hikaru frowned slightly. "What's so funny?" he asked, annoyed.

"Toya is no Waya, Shindo, I'm sorry to break it to you." Hikaru's head shot back in shock.

"Excuse me?" Isumi was still laughing. "I don't know what you're thinking about, but Akira's the shit."

"I'd rather have my Waya, that's all I'm saying."

"Whatever," Hikaru said. "Did you just call to insult my man, or what?"

"I wanted to see how everything was," Isumi said. "I'm glad everything's getting better."

"Yeah…" Hikaru said, calming down. "Yeah, it'll be fine."

"All right, I'll let you go," Isumi said. "Talk to you soon?"

"Yeah, about the party."

"Okay. Until then, then, Shindo."

"Later." Hikaru took the phone from his ear and hung up.

"What party?" Akira asked from the hall. Startled, Hikaru scrambled up from the floor. Akira was standing at the turn in the hall looking slightly unkempt.

"Hey, babe," Hikaru said.

"Hey…" Akira walked over to him and hugged him tightly. "What party were you referring to? Have we been invited out?"

"No," Hikaru said, leaning back to kiss Akira on the side of the mouth. "No, it was Isumi. He thinks we should have a housewarming party."

"Oh…" Akira looked away.

"What…? You don't think that would be a good idea?"

"I don't know…" Akira said. "Your friends…"

"Needless to say, Mitani isn't invited and there'll be no alcohol."

"Oh… Ok, then I think it would be bearable to have a small party. You should invite your father."

"What?" Hikaru asked. "Why would I do that?"

"Because I want to get to know him… The way I know your mom."

"Oh… Well…okay. But he probably won't be able to stay long."

"I'm sure he'll stay for the duration of the party. I'll have mother help with dinner."

"Like she's gonna just do that. She doesn't even like me." Akira pinched his brow, and then relaxed it.

"No, Shindo-san," he clarified.

"Well, you said 'mother.'"

"She's like a mother to me…"

"Yeah, but that's confusing. And besides, mother is all proper and stuff. Just say 'ma' like I do."

"Maa," Akira teased in a pun, purposely rolling his eyes and shrugging his shoulders. He chuckled at Hikaru, who took offense for a split second. Then Hikaru chuckled as well.

"You're lucky I love you, or else I wouldn't let you get away with that," he said. Akira slowly wrapped his arms around Hikaru and sighed into his chest.

"I'm so lucky…" he murmured. Hikaru smiled at him and kissed his crown.