Fragments of Us

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Warnings: None for this chapter.

Chapter 20 – Breakfast & Explanations

As Harry walked down the flight of stairs leading to the kitchen, he couldn't decide if he was glad he'd given Kate the photo album or not. On some level, he knew that leaving it for Sirius to find could potentially cause more problems and, ultimately, result in the destruction of those pictures. Overriding everything, though, was the feeling that somehow, those pictures were important to both Kate and Sirius and that one of them should hang onto them until it could all be sorted out. Harry thought about the two of them and the fact that he not only had Sirius, but now a Godmother, as well. If they could work through all the problems, Harry thought, he might have a shot at a normal family – finally. As he approached the kitchen door, however, Harry shook his head. He'd allowed himself to hope for something similar two years ago in the Shrieking Shack, when Pettigrew had been exposed. He'd been disappointed then; he would not set himself up for a similar disappointment now.

As Harry walked into the kitchen, his eyes met Sirius', who had looked up from his plate at the sound of the door.

"Hi," Harry said. When Sirius didn't reply right away, Harry continued, "I was hungry, so I thought I'd get some breakfast."

Sirius jumped up from his chair. "Let me get something for you," he said, anxious for something to do.

Harry shook his head. "That's ok, thanks." He took a banana from the bunch on the counter and turned back to where Sirius was standing in the middle of the room. "Umm, actually, I wondered if we could talk," he said quietly. "There are some things I want to tell you."

Sirius felt his heart sink. This is it. I'm going to lose this boy after all. "Of course, Harry. Let's sit down."

"Not here," Harry said. Sirius' head jerked up at Harry's words.

"I don't have many options, Harry," Sirius said quietly.

Harry blushed. "No, no, I meant that I didn't want to talk here; everybody comes here and I just want it to be us. Could we go sit on the side porch?"

Sirius blinked once then nodded his head. "Let's go."

Soon, Harry and Sirius were seated in conjured chairs in the conservatory, which Harry and the Weasleys had always – amusingly – referred to as "the side porch". Running half the length of one side of the huge house, the exterior wall was a sheet of glass, charmed to allow the occupants to see out to the side gardens and yard, while no one else could see into the house. The room was filled with abandoned, cracked crockery, some of which still contained their original potting soil and the bedraggled remnants of the plants they had once held. A large fireplace had been installed in one section on the interior wall and it was in front of a blazing fire that the two sat, Sirius fearing the worst and Harry uncertain of how to begin.

"Sirius, there's a lot I want to say to you, but I don't know how to do it or where to start. I'm just going to talk and you're just going to have to listen to me and not fly off the handle if it doesn't come out right, ok?" Harry said, watching his Godfather's face carefully.

Sirius closed his eyes for a moment, then looked at Harry and nodded. "Go ahead," he whispered. "I'll do my best to just listen."

Harry took a deep breath. "Look, a lot happened last night and I'm not sure that I understand all of it. I talked with Professor Lupin this morning, and he gave me some stuff to think about. I'm glad he did, but it's not the same as talking to you. I want you to know that I would have gone to you first with this, but since it was kind of about you, I couldn't."

Sirius nodded. "Remus has always been a good listener."

"Yeah, he's helped me a lot," Harry affirmed. "Sirius, about last night. You were so angry when we were looking at those pictures. I don't understand why. And afterward, you were telling me about what happened with the first Order and after, when Voldemort killed my parents and then all the stuff about Kate. Sirius, I've never seen you like that. Well, not since that night in the Shack anyway."

Sirius sighed. "I'm sorry, Harry."

Harry ran his hand through his hair in frustration. "I don't want you to apologize to me, Sirius! That's not what this talk is all about; I want you to explain it to me. Please."

Sirius looked up at Harry, his eyes a sea of emotion. "That's just it, Harry, I don't know if I can explain it all."

"Sirius, you have to try," the boy said, his voice rising. "We have to understand each other and I feel like you spend half your time trying be what you think I need and I spend half of mine trying not to hurt you or make you mad. In the end, we don't get any closer and we don't know each other any better."

Sirius gave Harry the ghost of a smile. "You are such a blend of your parents, Harry. Your father always wanted things to be ok; he didn't like anyone to be at odds with him, but he was willing to wait until the other person was ready to talk before he'd press it. Your mum, on the other hand, wasn't one to sit around and wait. She'd keep pushing until all the problems were out in the open and then she'd prod and poke us all until we fixed them. I can see both of them in you – right now."

"So talk to me, Sirius," Harry said. "I can't fix this without you."

The older man took a deep breath and sat forward in his chair, hands clasped together in front of him and his gaze fixed on his godson's face. He began to speak. "Harry, you asked me to have patience if you said things that didn't come out exactly the way you meant them and now I have to extract that same promise from you." At Harry's nod, Sirius continued. "When you gave me this watch yesterday, I think it unlocked something in my brain because when I opened that box, I could see an image of your father handing me a similar box many years ago." He paused. "Do you know the story of the watch?"

Harry nodded. "A bit. I saw you wearing a watch like this one in some pictures that were taken right after you all graduated from Hogwarts. I hadn't seen you wearing it since you escaped, so I figured it had been lost or taken away from you when everything happened. I asked Remus and he told me that Dad had given it to you for graduation and that you'd never taken it off. He didn't know where it had ended up, though."

Sirius nodded, his gaze fixed on a point just over Harry's shoulder. "The Ministry took it from me the day I was arrested. That and my wand. I suppose my wand was snapped in two; I'll wager the watch went to some guard who scratched off the inscription and wore it – or sold it. They wouldn't have been planning to give it back to me, at any rate."

"I didn't think it was fair that you lost it and I thought I'd try to find another one if I could. And I did," Harry said.

"Yes, you did. I'm very grateful, Harry. But seeing this again – sort of – caused all these images of your father and mother, Remus, Pettigrew and Kate to surface in my head. Nothing whole or clear – just pieces, feelings. Kate had given me the photo album earlier in the day, so maybe the memories started sparking around then, I don't know. After everyone retired for the night, I found that I couldn't sleep so I came down to the library – with the photographs – to just think. Half memories, some less than that started coming into my head. The fear we all had in the days of the first War, the suspicion that ran through everyone in our group, I began to experience all of it again." Sirius refocused his gaze to Harry's face. "By the time you came in, I was starting to work myself up into quite a state and I don't seem to be able to stop myself once that starts. And whether or not you want to hear this, I am sorry, Harry, that I'm not better able to control myself when that happens."

"I know, Sirius," Harry reassured him. "You'll get better, I know you will."

Sirius smiled softly. "Maybe. I promise you that I'll try."

Harry looked at Sirius. "Do you think I blame you for my parents' death?"

Sirius sat bolt upright in his chair, his eyes wide. He opened and closed his mouth several times, but couldn't immediately reply; Harry's candor had stunned him.

Harry shifted nervously in his chair. "See, every time you get like that it's because something has happened to remind you of them. You talked about it last night – about how you 'handed them over'…"

Sirius made to stand, but Harry reached over and put his hand on his arm. "Don't," he said. "Please, just sit here and talk to me."

Sirius inhaled a shaky breath, but stayed where he was. "Harry," he said after a time. "I've had enough time away from Azkaban to realize that I didn't actually kill James and Lily. That blame rests with Pettigrew. I can't, however, get over the guilt I feel at making it possible for him to hand them to Voldemort. I was so blind. Every time I see you, I remember those times and I can't help but feel responsible for the fact that you never knew your own parents. My ego and lack of objectivity made me do something I will regret for the rest of my life."

"Sirius, I don't blame you for anything that happened back then." Harry said. "How can I? You were just trying to do what you thought was best to save them – and me. If you had known what Pettigrew was planning, you'd never have changed Secret Keepers. I know that. You have to stop beating yourself up over this."

Sirius felt his throat tighten and saw his vision blur as he heard Harry's words. Stop it! He admonished himself. Do not lose it in front of Harry again. But no sooner had the words crossed his mind than he felt the hot tears slide down his cheeks and splash onto his clasped hands. Soon, his shoulders were shaking uncontrollably and he was bent almost completely forward, his hair shielding his face from view. Harry's absolution was something he had desperately needed to hear; even though he knew his Godson loved him, he craved verbalization of his forgiveness. Now that it had been given to him, Sirius found that he could not control the emotion it provoked. Suddenly, Sirius became aware of a light weight circling his shoulders and he turned to see Harry perched on the wide arm of the conjured chair, his arm resting across Sirius' back. Harry patted Sirius' shoulder awkwardly, attempting to give the older man some comfort – much in the same way Sirius had comforted him the night that Arthur Weasley had been attacked. Under the weight of Harry's reassurances, Sirius began to pull himself together and, after a time, he ran his hands over his face to clear the moisture from his cheeks. When Harry saw that his Godfather was calmer, he resumed his seat in front of him.

"Harry," Sirius began. "I…"

"I know," Harry said. "It's ok. I just wanted you to hear the words. I figured you had to know I didn't hate you; but I wanted you to hear that I didn't – I don't blame you at all. I still have some questions, though, if I can ask them."

Sirius nodded. "Go on."

Harry reached down and picked up a piece of a clay pot that lay on the floor near his chair. Fidgeting with its edges, he thought about what he wantet to ask his Godfather. He also thought about the burned photo album, seeing Sirius toss it into the fireplace and his own subsequent retrieval and return of the book to Kate. Harry shook his head slightly and decided to deal with simpler issues first. Maybe it wasn't up to him to approach Sirius about the photos. At any rate, he was nervous enough about what he was going to talk about without adding anything else. Having reached his decision, Harry looked up at Sirius. "I want to know why you didn't tell me about Kate. I know what she told me. I want to know why you didn't want to."

It was Sirius' turn to fidget in his chair. "It's not that I didn't want you to know about Kate, Harry," he began. "It's just that I didn't want to add any more stress to your life than you were already subjected to. You haven't had an easy time of it over the past year, really and I thought that it was best to wait – not to add one more item to the list of things you had to deal with."

Harry looked puzzled. "But, Sirius, why would finding out I had a Godmother be stressful? Didn't you think I'd be happy to know that I had more family than I thought?"

Sirius sighed. "But you would have wondered why I didn't tell you before," he said softly. "Harry, I was afraid that you would think I'd betrayed you by withholding the truth. It's selfish, I know, but I didn't want you to think I was like all the others – Dumbledore, Molly, even Remus – who didn't think you were mature enough to handle it."

"But you wound up doing just what they've been doing," Harry reasoned, but there was no anger or recrimination in his voice – just confusion.

"I know," Sirius said. "I can't explain it. Remus – and Kate – think I acted as I did because of my guilt about your parents. That I wanted to be the only one to take care of you – the only parent-figure you had – because that's what I promised your parents I'd do. I bollixed that up good and proper in the first War, so I wanted to make good on the promise now."

"And Kate agreed?" Harry said.

"Reluctantly – and in a manner of speaking. We had several rows about it, actually, but we'd agreed on a compromise and things got easier," Sirius replied. "Of course, the compromise didn't hold," he finished, his voice bitter.

"You mean last night," Harry said. At Sirius' nod, Harry asked, "What was the compromise?"

"We were going to wait until after Christmas, closer to the time you were going back to school, and then tell you together," Sirius told him.

"But, Sirius, you had the chance to sit down with her last night and tell me with her," Harry said. "Why didn't you?"

Sirius sighed. "It's complicated, Harry. We hadn't worked anything out, hadn't really talked about it. Kate just came into the middle of our conversation and told you herself. I was upset about everything else we'd discussed and I wasn't prepared for her to do what she did." He was thoughtful for a moment, then looked at Harry directly again. "Harry, none of that has anything to do with you. Kate and I are a separate issue."

It was Harry's turn to sigh. "Sirius, I know you're angry with her, but I really want to get to know her better. I feel disloyal to you for wanting that and I hate feeling this way. She's my Godmother, Sirius – just as you're my Godfather. Kate's part of my past. I don't know how I feel about her as a person, but I do know that I want the chance to get to know her – just as I've had the chance to know you. I'm just afraid that it will hurt you – that I'll feel like I have to choose…" Harry was cut off as Sirius knelt in front of him and took his shaking hands in his own.

"Harry, please," he said softly, remembering the words Remus had said to him earlier that morning. "I would never make you choose. Lily and James made Kate your Godmother just as they asked me to be your Godfather. You deserve to know us both, despite anything that might be going on between the two of us. You won't be hurting me by spending time with Kate, Harry. You're not disloyal. I love you and want you to be happy. Whatever I might feel for Kate, whatever I might think of anything she's done, she is your Godmother and I know that she wants to get to know you as well. Don't stay away from her because you think that's what will make me happy. It won't – because it will make you miserable." Sirius squeezed Harry's hands in his own, larger ones. "Spend some time with her this week. You and I will still have time together, as well. Really, it's ok." Sirius finished speaking, watching Harry's face closely. When the boy nodded slightly, he rose. "Perhaps we should get back inside, now. I'm sure Molly's up and probably has a proper breakfast going. That banana can't have done much to fill you up," he said.

As Sirius moved toward the double glass doors, he was stopped by Harry's hand on his arm. When he turned, Sirius found himself wrapped in a tight embrace as Harry's moist cheek brushed against his own. Sirius returned Harry's hug, rocking back and forth gently until he felt Harry's breathing calm a bit. Harry took a step back and wiped his face on his sleeve. Looking at his Godfather, he said, "I love you, Sirius and I could never choose against you. Thank you for not making me choose against Kate, either."

Sirius smiled shakily and nodded. "Come on," he said. "Let's go get you some food."

With his arm around Harry's shoulders, the two made their way inside the house, each lost in their own thoughts.