19 - Remus' Heart

"What in blue blazes did I do to tick off this blasted bird?" Remus exclaimed waving his hand in the air, fending off a very annoyed raven.

Every time Remus stepped close to me, the raven would dive at him, swooping close, batting him with its wings, and occasionally pulling his hair.

"I really couldn't tell you," I chuckled, extending my hand and hauling him up the grassy incline of the hill behind Hogsmeade as the bird made another approach.

We had met in the town square late that morning and skirted as many of the Saturday shoppers that we could. The day was proving to be a bit dreary as the sun struggled through the clouds. I had reduced a picnic basket to the size of a handbag, and we hiked toward the hill where we had our first outing last summer. Enlarging the basket, we spread the blanket on a level patch by a shady tree and began to unpack our lunch. The raven was now perched above us, eyeing Remus suspiciously. I chuckled again as the lunch was laid out, and it swooped down to sit on the edge of the blanket with us.

"Cheeky little creature," Remus said amusedly as he unwrapped a sandwich, extending a crust to the bird, hoping to make peace. The raven eyed the bread and hopped forward as if to take it but pecked Remus' hand instead. Remus withdrew his hand sharply, examining the mark and looking exasperated at the offending bird.

"Stark! That's enough," I chastised, glowering at the mischief-maker. "If you can't behave then you're not welcome here."

The bird hopped sideways and onto my lap. He's not for you. It eyed me meaningfully. The dark one is for you.

How do you know about the dark one? I asked curiously.

I saw you by the big water far away. It cocked its head knowingly.

I smiled, our silent conversation being observed by the man who Stark did not approve of.

I'll go if you want. The raven fluffed its feathers indignantly.

Thank you. I gave a brief nod as the raven spread his wings and took flight, making one last swoop at Remus' head before leaving. I had to grin at his antics. To think of a bird being protective of me. How ridiculous!

"You talk to animals?" Remus' eyebrows rose as he watched the bird glide over the village.

"I'm a regular Dr. Doolittle," I joked in return. "We, kind of, adopted each other. It followed me back from Rome."

"You're kidding?" Remus was astonished.

I shook my head. "Remember our conversation a year ago? I told you that I was an empath. That extends to animals. At first, I thought it was an Animagus, but realized that it's just a bird. We seemed to have forged a bond."

"You named it "Stark"?"

I nodded. "I don't know why. It just came to me. Dark, brooding, alone. Something in the eyes." I shook my head at the thought.

With Stark gone, Remus and I were finally able to have our lunch in peace. We were quiet, sensing that something was amiss and neither knowing exactly where to begin. I was the one to finally break the silence. Taking a deep breath, I apologized for not getting in touch with him as soon as I returned, and although I didn't go into detail, I reassured him that most of the trip had been work related. I just didn't elaborate on what kind of work. Returning to Italy after being away for so long had been difficult. I had never told him my exact reasons for leaving, just that it was painful. He quietly listened to my explanation as he leaned back on the blanket, propped on his elbow, those soft grey eyes watching me intently. He knew I had come to England because of Oxford and the Wolfsbane Potion, but I could see the tension building in his arms and jaw as if expecting something else.

"You're always working," he sighed, shifting his gaze over the rolling green landscape. "And, I was part of that work, wasn't I," he stated certainly.

"It began that way," I responded truthfully. "After all, that's why I was here, but as we got to know each other, I came to enjoy your company and …feelings grew."

We regarded each other in silence for a moment.

"You know," I continued softly, "in all the months that we've been intimate, never once has either of us professed our love for each other. Not even a whisper in the lull afterward. We've said that we care, that we mean a lot, but not once have we…"

"Would that make a difference?" He firmly questioned, the hurt beginning to show. "Fine! I love you, Dani. You're important to me. I didn't think that I had to spell it out. Gods, I've never let anyone get this close." He scrubbed his hands across his face as he sat up and rested his elbows on his raised knees.

"Remus." I reached out tentatively to touch his shoulder, but he shrugged my hand away. "I care very deeply for you, but I have obligations and priorities that override my feelings. People have worked hard to give me opportunities, and I must repay that debt. You knew that I'd be returning to Italy eventually. I told you that in the beginning. I don't regret what's happened between us, but I've made a commitment to complete this research within a year. I don't want to lose you completely, but I can't be distracted, and you are definitely a distraction." I tried to lighten the mood. "I want to remain friends, but I think that an intimate relationship would be unwise, especially knowing that we're only postponing the inevitable."

My heart went out to him. I could feel his pain, his rejection.

"Do you think that we can be friends?" I asked hopefully.

"Right now, I'm not sure." He lowered his head between his arms. "In my head, I understand your position, but in my heart…" He balled his fist to his chest and held it there as if suppressing the pain, his eyes closed, and he turned his head away for a moment, trying to steady his breathing.

"I'm so sorry I hurt you," I said, finally reaching my hand to his shoulder without being brushed away.

Silence surrounded us again. Even the birds nesting nearby seemed distant. I lowered my hand, and we sat for a moment absorbing what had been said. I really did care for him, but I knew that I couldn't give him the love he deserved. Using work as the excuse was perfect and still the truth, but my heart belonged to someone else, and that was something that I couldn't let him know.

It was Remus who finally broke the silence. Standing and offering me his hand to rise, he pulled me to my feet and began folding the blanket. "I think your lunch is over," he stated dully, reducing the blanket and tucking it into the picnic basket.

I wanted to cry. I'd lost his friendship.

Following the path back into town, we silently walked the main street toward the town square, but Remus sidetracked into a small shop, the smell of sugar and chocolate wafting into the summer air. A slight, uncomfortable twitch played on the corner of his lips, and as the shopkeeper emerged behind the counter, he ordered as small bag of almond bark, something he had bought me during our first visit to Hogsmeade last summer. I could feel my chin begin to tremble.

As we left the shop and approached the square, I felt an overwhelming urge to throw myself into his arms, to stop the hurt that I felt emanating from him, to stop the hurt that I was feeling. But, I held back, my arm merely brushing against his as he turned toward me at the Apparition point. He handed me the Honeydukes bag of chocolate and attempted to smile again. I couldn't.

"I'm going to miss the day before the full moon," he said with a sheepish grin.

I snorted in surprise at the remark. That was the time when sex was the most intense. His inhibitions were non-existent, and the "beast" was in his blood. I shook my head, finally, smiling at him.

"Is that all you can think of?" I asked with an uncomfortable chuckle.

"No, but it hurts less that way. I don't want to lose you, but I do understand. Friends may take a while, but I would like it as well. Can we see each other sometime?"

I nodded, and smiled up at him. "We'll have to unless you want to get your potion from Belby. I made a promise to keep you in supply as long as I can, and I intend to keep that promise."

He nodded briefly in return and handed me the picnic basket.

"Can I kiss you good-bye?" he asked uncertainly.

Before I could answer, the knuckles of his right hand brushed my cheek and his lips were on mine in a sweet, sorrowful kiss. I responded in kind feeling his heart pound against my chest, and as he backed away, I could feel the tears well in my eyes. I stood, watching, as he turned to walk the path back toward the main street, his shoulders and head slightly slumped forward, hands stuffed into his pockets. It was a vision of pure dejection.

Apparating back to the campus, I dimly remember heading to the dorms and letting myself in. The room felt empty, and as I strode to the window, I noticed Stark perched on the sill, eyeing me expectantly.

Well?