DISCLAIMER: All recognizable parts belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.
[Beta'd by: TRDancer and AFWife]
AN: Songs listened to on repeat while writing: The Airborne Toxic Event - Sometime Around Midnight, and Florence + The Machine - Heavy in Your Arms. Chapter title is taken from the song by Staind - Home.
Thanks to OCDMess, my Grey Cloud.
*Warning. This chapter contains brief discussions of child abandonment, child abuse, and child neglect. *
"I don't think Home's a place anymore. I think it's a state of mind."
~ Barbie, Neil Gaiman's The Sandman: A Game of You
Chapter Twenty
BPOV
While somewhere between consciousness and sleep, I felt something digging into my left side. I groaned and shifted to get comfortable, but something tapped me on the shoulder. I rolled back only to realize I had nowhere to go and my body was stiff.
"Bella," a voice called out.
I searched in the darkness for the speaker, but my dream had already begun to fade to black, the memory of its events a mere sensation or strange feeling rather than an image.
"Bella," the voice called again. It was louder and more solidified in my consciousness.
I groaned again and stretched my shoulders forward – the tension knotted between them tugging and bordering painful while feeling pleasant at the same time. I sniffled and shivered, the reality of my frozen toes, fingers and nose hitting me. My teeth chattered involuntarily, and I tried to pull my comforter up, but it didn't feel right. I fluttered my eyes open and peered down through narrow slits as everything came rushing back.
I glanced up, gasped, threw my feet to the floor and stood with Edward's comforter clutched in my frozen fingers. Bright blue eyes and blond hair were the first things I registered. Second, was how much shit we were all in.
"I didn't mean to startle you," Dr. Cullen whispered calmly.
I looked back at Edward on the couch and suppressed my snort. He was wrapping his hands around his torso tightly and digging his fingers under his arms to keep them warm. I snuck a peek at Jasper on the floor, but he was out cold. His shirt was twisted around him slightly, and an inch or so of skin was exposed, but there were no visible scars.
My mind was overwhelmed with the images of his scars, and my heart ached for a moment before Dr. Cullen managed to get my attention again with a hand in front of my face.
"You awake there? You look upset," he whispered.
I shook my head, not wanting to discuss it and furrowed my brows.
"Can I talk to you for a second?" he asked quietly.
I nodded and followed him out of the room into the hallway. He stopped a few feet away from the door and looked at me with a concerned expression.
"I must say when I saw your truck in the driveway I grew concerned that everything was okay, but then the parental side kicked in, and I just hoped no drugs or sex were involved. The sight in the room looked innocent enough, but I trust you to be honest with me, Bella. Can you do that for me?" he asked. His face was serious but friendly, and I was completely taken aback.
He really isn't the parenting type, is he?
"I came over to return Jasper's jacket. We just talked for a little while, and then played Monopoly and watched some movies. I was planning on going back home, but we must have fallen asleep. Nothing happened, Dr. Cullen, I swear," I said as convincingly as possible. I was never a good liar, but thankfully nothing I had said yet was a lie.
He studied my expression briefly before nodding. "Alright. Does your father know where you are? I'm sure the chief of police would react differently to finding his only daughter alone in a room with two males."
I bit my lip and debated the likeliness of getting away with a lie. I shook my head and sighed. "No, sir. I snuck out after dinner while he was watching the sports recap. He doesn't know where I am, but he won't really notice I'm gone either until he leaves to go fishing at six."
"Well, it's fifteen to five now."
"Shoot!" I gasped.
"Bella," he said louder, catching my forearm before I managed to turn and run back to the room. "I shouldn't keep this from your father."
"Please, Dr. Cullen! Don't tell Charlie. I never do this kind of thing, nothing happened and it won't ever happen again. I promise," I pleaded as tears formed in my eyes.
He stared at me with an uneasy expression. I could see him visibly weighing the decision before he sighed and nodded, his shoulders falling a fraction. "Alright. But if I catch anything going on again, I'm telling your father. If he ever asks, I have to tell him – I'm not going to lie for you two. I was a teenager once too, and we only learn the hard way. I know that. Don't force me to make it difficult, alright?"
I nodded enthusiastically but froze as a familiar voice came from Edward's bedroom.
"Shit!"
There was a loud thud, some random swearing and incomprehensible mumbling before the bedroom door swung open and a groggy, frantic looking Edward slid out into the hallway in his jeans, t-shirt and white socks on the wooden floor. He froze and his eyes grew wide as they glanced at me and then Dr. Cullen.
"Shit," he whispered.
Dr. Cullen chuckled and out of my peripheral vision I saw him cross his arms over his chest. "Good morning to you, too."
"I can explain," Edward said quickly.
"No need," Dr. Cullen said.
"What? But I should at least get a chance to state my case and shit, come on!"
"There is no need, Edward. Bella has already informed me you're all amazingly innocent. Color me surprised, but I do believe her. You don't need to explain."
"But! …oh. Oh! Wait, really?" Edward asked as he slowly caught up to speed.
"Just shut up while we're ahead," I said quietly.
Dr. Cullen chuckled again, and Edward's jaw dropped. "So, I'm not in trouble?" he asked cautiously.
"Oh, I wouldn't go that far. You still broke the rules, and Bella could be in serious trouble if she doesn't get a move on."
"Right. Thanks, Dr. Cullen," I said politely.
"Please. Call me Carlisle, and you're welcome. Don't make me regret it."
"I won't Dr. Cu – er, Carlisle." I nearly skipped into the bedroom and slipped my shoes on. I glanced around the room quickly to make sure I wasn't forgetting anything and gave Jasper one last look. My heart broke again, and I considered for a fraction of a minute to run back into the hallway and tell Carlisle, but I wouldn't betray Jasper's trust that way. I wasn't going to let it go, though. Jasper had to speak up and turn the person in. He needed to do it for him, not because someone forced his hand. That didn't mean I would keep my mouth shut forever though.
I sighed heavily and fled the room. Edward and Dr. Cullen were talking heatedly in the hallway. They stopped once Dr. Cullen's eyes flicked to me.
"We'll finish this conversation later – once we've both had some sleep."
"Can I at least follow Bella in my car to make sure she gets home safe? It's still pitch black out there," Edward asked with a harsh tone.
Dr. Cullen debated it for a second before nodding. "Fine. But you come right back home and give me your keys."
"Fine," Edward huffed.
"Fine," Dr. Cullen repeated.
They glared at each other for a second, and the hair on the back of my neck stood on end due to the tension in the air. They both turned and walked away at the same time; Edward grabbing his keys from his room and Carlisle going down the hall to what I remembered being is study.
"Come on," Edward said quietly as he took my hand.
His fingers were frigid, but his palm was slightly warmer. I took a moment as we trudged down the stairs to make a mental note of the sensation.
Edward Cullen is my boyfriend.
Alice is going to freak.
I'm sure when it all sinks in, I'm going to freak.
Edward paused at the door and turned to look back at me. His eyes lingered on my throat, and my breathing seized.
"You didn't bring anything warmer, did you?" he asked.
Oh.
"No, I didn't think about it, really."
He grabbed a black leather jacket I recognized as being his from the closet by the front door and moved behind me, holding it open. I blushed at the gesture and slid into the jacket easily. It was already slightly warm and smelled like leather, cigarette smoke and Edward. I tried to be discreet in my deep inhale of the collar as he grabbed another jacket from the closet.
I attempted to hold back my snicker, but failed.
"What?" he asked as he adjusted the coat.
"A military pea coat? Really, Edward? I didn't think it would be your style."
"What? Does it look stupid?" he asked as he looked down at his chest and arms.
"No, no… you actually look…" I bite my lip and paused.
"I look what?" he asked as he took a step closer and cocked an eyebrow.
"Good."
"Just good?"
I nodded once as my cheeks flushed. I wrapped my arms around my torso and curled my fingers around the extra length of the sleeves – balling my hands into fists.
"Nothing more?" he asked. His warm breath blew across my face as he took another step closer. We were nearly touching now and I stood rigid. His fingers delicately traced my jaw and down my neck as he stared into my eyes with a smirk.
"Hot," I whispered.
"Oh, so good and hot?"
I nodded and swallowed audibly.
His lips twitched, and I swear his eyes were smoldering with pure sex. "And sexy," I whispered, barely making any noise.
"Sexy," he said quietly, letting his voice trail off as he leaned into my lips. He ran his tongue over his lower lip before pressing against me and tilting my head. He nudged my chin with his nose, and a chill ran down my spine. "You're right. You are sexy," he whispered into my ear.
I gasped and my body felt ten times heavier while my knees trembled.
He chuckled quietly, kissed my cheek right beside the corner of my eye and closed the closet door. "After you," he said politely, swinging the front door open.
I took a second to compose myself before attempting to move. I stepped out into the cold night air and instantly tensed up – my shaky knees and chances of becoming a warm pile of mush were gone in an instant. My teeth chattered, and I pulled the leather jacket around me tighter.
The drive home was slower than usual due to the intense darkness. As we pulled onto my street, I cut the engine and climbed out of the truck. Edward parked his car a few feet back and helped me push the red, monstrous piece of metal toward my driveway a few houses down. The gravel crunched as we reached the rock driveway and came to a stop in my normal parking spot. We both wiped our hands on our jeans and looked at each other awkwardly.
"Well, thanks for following me home," I said quietly after a moment.
"Yeah, no problem."
"So, I'll see you tomorrow, maybe?" I asked.
"Er, well… Carlisle says I'm grounded for the rest of the weekend. Jasper can't even stay, apparently."
"He can't go home though," I said, slightly scared for Jasper and what this meant for him.
"Yeah, I know. I don't know what do to."
"He can come hang out with me. Charlie will be gone fishing all day. He can stay for dinner. I'll say we are partners on some project or something. Tell him to bring his books."
"But what about when he has to go home?" Edward asked as he shoved his hands in his coat pockets.
"I don't know," I said with a sigh as I thought it over.
Edward kicked a rock and huffed loudly as he looked around. He froze, and I followed his eyes to my bedroom window.
"Is that your room?" he asked.
I nodded.
"He could climb that tree and stay in your room or something. Does your dad check on you often?"
"No, not really. He leaves to fish early in the morning and stays downstairs watching sports all night."
"Perfect. Would you be cool with him staying here for a night or two until I'm no longer grounded?" he asked. He moved closer and placed his hands on my hips gently.
"I guess not. I can make room for him on my floor or my closet or something. You won't be bothered though?" I asked.
"No, why would I be?"
"Well, he's another guy sleeping in my room," I said awkwardly.
Edward smirked and moved closer, our bodies touching now. His eyes were fixed on mine intensely. "Yeah, but I'm the one that looks sexy in a pea coat," he said with a sly voice.
My breath caught, and I felt the rush of blood flow to my cheeks as I looked down. He pressed his cold lips to my forehead and hugged me around the waist. "Goodnight, Bella. I'll see you Monday at school."
"That's too long," I whimpered as I buried my face in his chest, inhaling his scent and the cold spring air.
"I know. I'll see what I can do," he whispered. "Get some sleep."
I sighed and nodded as I looked up at him through tired eyes. He kissed my lips gently once, then a second time before releasing me and jogging down the street to his car.
I made my way into the house as silently as I could and locked the door behind me. My blood was pounding in my ears as I crept upstairs, avoiding the creaky floor board and attempting to not hold onto the banister. It had a tendency to squeak if you wiggled it just right and the last thing I need was to explain why I was in a boy's leather jacket at five in the morning.
I made it to my bedroom, closed the door behind me, and crawled into bed with Edward's leather jacket still wrapped around me.
I curled up under the covers and pulled the jacket up around my face. I fell asleep quickly as I inhaled the lingering scents and grinned so wide my cheeks hurt.
I'm Edward Cullen's girlfriend.
./.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't hide from the sun streaming into my bedroom. I groaned and rolled over, but stilled when the intoxicating scent of leather flooded my nostrils. My groan quickly blended into a moan, and I smiled brightly into the coat as I stretched my legs.
"I know chicks have some erotic fascination with certain scents, but I would really rather not see you molest the leather jacket," said a familiar voice.
I quickly sat up and looked straight into Jasper's eyes at the corner of my room in the rocking chair.
"Nice hair," he said with a grin.
I dropped the jacket that was still clutched in my hand and ran my fingers through my hair. "Ouch," I mumbled as they caught in a tangle. I fell back onto my bed, bouncing slightly as I sighed heavily.
Jasper chuckled quietly as an odd sound came from his same direction. I rolled to my side and glanced down the bed at him.
He brought a guitar?
"Planning on serenading me?" I asked.
His cheeks flushed slightly and his hands stilled over the instrument as he shrugged. "I had to bring something to keep me occupied while you slept the day away."
The day?
I quickly looked at my clock on my desk and groaned again as I shut my eyes. Shoot. Nearly two. "Why didn't you wake me up sooner?"
Jasper shrugged again and started strumming his guitar again. He was pretty darn good, too.
"When did you get here? How'd you get in?"
Jasper nodded toward the window which was slightly cracked. "Around ten."
I sat up and scrubbed my hands over my face before I threw the covers back and climbed out of bed. Waking up with someone in my room was creepy enough, but the thought of him crawling in my window and watching me sleep was just unsettling, even if I did know he was coming over.
"I'm… going to go shower. Charlie won't be home until around six or seven, so don't worry about being caught if you need to go downstairs for anything. Help yourself," I mumbled as I grabbed my bath bag on my nightstand.
A quick nod was all Jasper replied with as he continued to play his instrument. I tried to hurry in the bathroom, but my hair took longer than I had anticipated. After a quick shower, speedy teeth brushing and half-assed drying of my hair, I realized I didn't bring a change of clothes.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
I wrapped the towel around my chest, but it was barely long enough to cover me entirely. I padded down the hallway quickly and cracked the door slightly, peeking my head in. "Uh, Jasper?" I called awkwardly at the door.
His head shot up with a lazy smile spread across his lips. His smile quickly faded and he swallowed. "Yeah?" he asked from the rocking chair.
"Would you mind, uh, turning around or… something? I forgot to get a change of clothes before I got in," I said in a hurry.
He averted his eyes downward, then to my desk as he blushed. "Uh, yeah. Sure." He stood quickly and walked to the opposite corner of the room and turned his back to me.
I waited a few seconds before shoving the door open. I made my way into my closet as quickly as possible. As I turned to close my closet door behind me, my toe caught on the bumblebee shoes Alice lent me weeks ago. I let go of the handle and tried to catch my balance, but it was too late. I fell to the floor with a loud thud, landing on the side of my ass.
"Are you okay?" Jasper asked from the other side of the door.
I swallowed and tried to refrain from crying as my hip throbbed painfully. "Yeah," I croaked.
"Do you… need, uh, help?" Jasper asked awkwardly.
"N-no!" I said quickly as I pulled my towel up. "Thanks," I called, "but I'm fine."
"Okay," he said quietly. I heard his footsteps as he walked away, and I slowly stood.
How embarrassing.
I quickly got dressed and exited the closet. "You, uh, want some coffee? Juice? Water?" I asked, trying to forget the last few minutes.
"Sure," Jasper said with a nod. He quickly stood and set his guitar against the wall. "I'll come with you."
I carefully made my way downstairs, Jasper behind me, and opened the cupboard. I pointed out the major locations for things like bowls, silverware and food. "Feel free to help yourself while you're here. I do the shopping, so it's not like Charlie will notice anything missing or out of place. Do you want some breakfast? I could make eggs or something," I said, rambling.
"Breakfast? It's past two in the afternoon, Bella."
"So? It's breakfast to me," I said with a shrug and grabbed the mixing bowls down.
Jasper was quiet for a second before he softly spoke. "Breakfast would be great, thanks."
He poured himself a glass of orange juice, while I worked at getting all of the ingredients out. "How do you want your eggs?" I asked.
"Oh, uh… however you do yours is fine," he said. Something sounded wrong.
I turned to look at him and he was staring at his orange juice intensely. "What's wrong, Jasper?"
He quickly looked up and shook his head. "N-nothing. Everything is fine."
I furrowed my brows and shifted my weight as I thought. "Have you ever had anyone make you eggs?" I asked after a moment.
There was a long stretch of silence followed by a slight head shake from Jasper.
"Well, I am. So how do you want your eggs?"
"I don't know. I've only ever had scrambled from the dinner in town."
I made a grimace as I remembered their eggs. "Your mom never made you eggs growing up?"
He traced the lip of his orange juice with his finger as he shook his head again. "She never made food, really."
What?
"So, your dad cooked then," I said, not really like a question, but more an assumption of fact.
He shook his head again and took a quick drink.
"But then…"
"Look, Rose always did the cooking or she would buy TV dinners. I don't think she ever even bought eggs."
My expression fell. He's never had breakfast made for him, or had a sit down meal? "What about holidays?" I asked before I thought about it.
Jasper snorted and raised his eyebrows. "I always get the hell out of the house during holidays."
I frowned as I felt my heart sink slightly. I knew how much not having a mother affected my life, but having a mother who didn't act like one wasn't something I could really grasp.
"I'm sorry I brought it up," I mumbled, turning back to the carton of eggs.
"It's okay," he said quietly.
I turned a burner on for the sausage and another for the hash browns as I thought about what life must be like for Jasper. No wonder he's so skinny, he probably doesn't eat regularly.
"What's over easy?" he asked from beside me. I jumped slightly and he looked down with a sad expression. "Sorry. Didn't mean to startle you."
"It's okay. Um… over easy is where you don't break the yolk and just cook it until it holds its shape. It's really good to mix in with your hash browns that way," I replied.
"If it's not too much trouble, could I have it that way? I've always been curious, but too afraid to try it."
"Sure, it's no trouble."
I fixed our breakfast, and Jasper watched silently while I made random comments about the cooking process. I fixed his plate with extra sausage, hash browns, and two pieces of toast. He needs to eat better, I told myself.
We sat at the small table awkwardly. After a few bites, Jasper praised my cooking and dug in, not stopping until every bite was gone. I suppressed my grin and enjoyed the meal with a friend.
Friend. He's just a friend. I have a boyfriend. The reminder of Edward made my heart swell, and I couldn't hide my smile anymore. We finished eating and I took our plates.
"So, what's the plan once your dad gets home? I can leave if it's going to be a problem… I don't want you getting in trouble."
"No, no, no. You can stay. Do you have your books?"
"Yeah, they are upstairs."
"Good. We can just tell Charlie we are working on homework or a project or something. We'll work on homework at the table here while he watches TV, and you can stay for dinner."
"But what about the fact that he hates me?" Jasper asked.
"Well, uh… just be super polite and lie your ass off?" I suggested.
Jasper chuckled and nodded. "I can do that, I guess."
There was another awkward silence as I rinsed our dishes.
"Hey, Bella?"
"Hm?"
"Would… would you mind me sleeping on your floor for a few nights? I promise I won't make a sound, you won't even know I'm there. I just… I just can't go home."
I spun around and frowned, my heart breaking just a little bit more at his confession. "Of course. I thought that was already the plan."
"Oh… thanks," he said quietly. "So, how do I… uh… you know, get back inside later? Should I wait until a certain time?"
"Leave your guitar upstairs in my closet, and when you leave after we finish studying, insist on walking. Charlie will offer to give you a ride home, just be prepared for that. Then head down the street toward your place a few houses before turning around and climbing in my window. I'll leave it open so he won't hear. Just be super quiet."
"You sure it will work?"
"Positive. Don't worry about it." I honestly wasn't certain that it would work, but I was trying like hell to be optimistic. I finished rinsing the dishes and turned back to Jasper. "So, what do you want to do until he gets home?"
We spent the next few hours watching Mallrats, continuing the Kevin Smith movie collection we had started last night. Just before six, we got all of our books out and got to work on homework. Charlie got home shortly after and started the inquisition. He asked everything from what we were working on, to how long Jasper had been here. Jasper answered most of the questions, but I chimed in occasionally.
We lied our asses off. Quite successfully, I might add.
I fixed dinner and invited Jasper to stay and join us, despite Charlie's dark look at the offer. Jasper awkwardly accepted, and we had a nearly silent meal at the table.
As Jasper got his things together to leave, I said, "So, same time, same place tomorrow?"
"Sure. Sounds good," he replied as he put his arms through the straps of his backpack.
"Leaving, Jasper?" Charlie asked from the living room.
"Yes, sir. Thanks for letting me stay. We got a lot done today, but it's getting late."
"How about I give you a ride, kid? Getting dark out there, wouldn't want anything to happen to you," Charlie said as he grabbed his keys from the coffee table.
"Oh, no thank you, sir. I like walking; I don't mind. Thank you though," Jasper said politely as he walked toward the front door.
"What kind of officer would let a kid walk home alone after dark? I insist," Charlie said more forcefully.
"Dad, he said no thanks. He wants to walk," I said with a frown.
"Stay out of this, Bells. I'm just looking out for the community," he said methodically.
"Really, sir. I'll be fine. I walk home from Edward's place all the time, and he lives even further away."
Charlie shuffled his feet for a moment.
"Dad, I hate riding anywhere in your cruiser, and I'm your daughter. I doubt Jasper really wants an armed escort home," I said quickly.
He huffed loudly and turned around, walking back to the living room. "Fine. Goodnight, Jasper," he said coldly.
I turned to Jasper and exhaled quietly. Jasper looked relieved as he relaxed visibly.
"Well, goodnight, Jasper. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Yeah. Thanks, Bella. Later."
The moment the door closed, Charlie was standing in the archway between the living room and kitchen. "I don't like him."
"Wow, how'd I guess?" I asked sarcastically.
"Don't give me attitude, Bella."
I sighed and rolled my eyes as I walked back to the kitchen.
"He's a drug dealer and he was in my house, alone with my daughter without my expressed permission."
"What bothers you more? Your assumption of his drug dealing, or the fact he was here with me, alone?"
"Both, and it's not an assumption. Last year I caught him with enough weed to be classified as intent to distribute. He's not coming back tomorrow."
"Yes, he is," I argued.
"No, he's not."
"Dad, I have a project to work on with him that's due soon. I'm not doing it by myself. So either I go there, or he comes here. Take your pick." This was entirely a lie – Jasper and I didn't even have any classes together, but it was entirely believable.
"This isn't up for debate, Bella," he said louder than before.
"You're right, it's not," I said with a huff as I crossed my arms.
"This is my house, and my rules," he said robotically and I rolled my eyes. "Don't roll your eyes at me. I don't trust him to be alone with you, and I don't want him in my house!"
"Dad, we wouldn't do anything," I scoffed.
"Why should I believe that? I was a teenager once. I know about the hormones."
"Because I'm not dating him!" I said without thinking. I swallowed and sighed. "I'm dating Edward," I said. Might as well let the entire cat out of the bag.
There was a moment of silence as Charlie studied my expression. "Well, I still don't like him. How do I know he isn't trying to sell to you or pressuring you to smoke?"
"In the house of the Chief of Police? Some kids might be dumb, Dad, but none of them are that dumb. Besides, Jasper doesn't do that stuff."
"I don't believe that for a second."
"Believe whatever you want, but I still have a project to complete with him, so take your pick. Here, or at his place," I said as I quirked a brow.
Charlie narrowed his eyes and huffed loudly. "Fine. Here… but not until I get home. I don't want you two here alone together."
"Dad, we won't get anything done if we have to wait until after six to even start!"
"Well, then I guess I'll cut my fishing trip early."
"You don't trust me at all, do you? I've practically raised myself after Mom left, and you think I'm so weak and naïve as to be pressured into smoking pot and having sex? I'm not that kind of girl, Charlie. I'm the girl that cooks and cleans on her weekends instead of partying, and has dinner on the table by six-thirty sharp every day and gets A's in school. I'm not Renee. I'm not going to repeat her mistakes and get knocked up in high school."
"No, you aren't your mother, but you are just a teenager, and what kind of parent would I be if I allowed my only daughter to have some boy in my house, unsupervised?"
"A trusting one," I said bitterly before rushing past him and stomping up the stairs. He wants teenage drama, I'll give him teenage drama, I thought as I slammed my bedroom door behind me. I shut my eyes tightly and slid down the door as I sobbed quietly. Thinking of my mom tugged at my heart, but Charlie not trusting me infuriated me.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to create so much trouble for you," Jasper said quietly from the other side of my room.
I took a big, shaky breath and wiped my eyes. I slowly got to my feet and walked to my iPod dock, turning it on to muffle our voices.
"It's not your fault, Jasper. Don't worry about it."
"It is my fault; it's always my fault."
I turned and looked at him, confused. "What are you talking about?"
"Nothing," he said quietly as he looked away. "Forget I said anything," he mumbled.
I stared at him for a moment and chewed on my lower lip as I tried to work up the courage to ask the question that had been nagging me ever since last night.
"Why don't you tell anyone that can help?" I asked quietly after a long stretch of silence.
Jasper sighed and bent over in the rocking chair. He rested his elbows on his knees. "Because, it wouldn't fix everything. Several things could happen that would be worse."
"Like what?" I asked as I sat on the edge of my bed, only a few feet from him.
His hair hung in his eyes, and he shook his head slightly as he drew in a breath and held it. "Rose. She might feel guilty leaving, and not go to college. She'd lose her scholarship."
"That's the worst thing you can think of? How is that so horrible compared to what's happening now?"
"I could be put into foster care somewhere in Washington and never see her again. Trust me, I knew a kid in foster care once – it can be worse than the occasional snap of a belt or burn."
I sighed, realizing he was right. There was always the possibility of it being a bad foster family or group home.
"Then there is always the chance the authorities don't believe me, and things just get worse," he said quietly. He slowly sat back in the chair and wrapped his arms around his torso protectively.
"How could they not believe you? I mean…" Your scars, I finished mentally.
"My history. You heard your father. He doesn't trust me at all. Why should he believe me? It's always easier to believe the adult than the minor," Jasper said quietly.
I swallowed and furrowed my brows. "You heard him?" I asked shamefully.
Jasper nodded and glanced out the window.
"I'm sorry you had to hear that," I said with a sigh.
"It's alright. He's just worried about you. He loves you."
I brought my knees up to my chest and rolled my eyes. I knew Jasper was right, but that didn't make me any less frustrated with Charlie.
"Thanks for letting me stay, Bella."
"It was no problem."
Jasper glanced at me and quirked a brow but didn't say anything. He unzipped his bag and pulled out a clean pair of socks and sweat pants. "Do you mind if I change in your closet?"
"Go ahead," I said as I waved my hand.
While he was changing, I grabbed a pillow and was going to start making a bed for him on the floor, but a knock at the door made me jump. I glanced at my closet with panic in my eyes and then toward Jasper's back pack on my floor. I grabbed his bag and tossed it under my bed before my door slowly creaked open.
"Bella?" Charlie said through the tiny opening.
I pulled the door open the rest of the way and tried to look innocent. "Yeah?" I said in a hurry.
"I… I just wanted to apologize. You know… for what was said downstairs. You're right, I should trust you more. I just…" Charlie scratched his beard idly as he stared at the floor and shifted his weight. "I just hear all these reports about girls your age being taken advantage of in their own home, and I don't want anything like that to happen to you."
I chewed on the inside of my cheek and nodded awkwardly. "I know, Dad. I'm sorry too. I know you're just trying to do the parental thing and look out for me, but Jasper would never hurt me."
"But how do you know, Bells? How can you be so sure? There are a lot of psychos out there that people always say 'they were such a nice person', but turn out to be some axe murderer."
I chuckled at his over-dramatization of the event but nodded. I knew he was right. "Because I know Jasper better than you think. Jasper would be the last person in this town to hurt anybody. Alice is more dangerous than he is. Please, trust me?" I said with pleading eyes.
He sighed and shifted his weight again. "Alright, but stay downstairs, keep your cellphone on you, and I will be home by four. I'm trusting you – don't make me regret it."
"Thanks, Dad," I said with a smile.
"I'm serious," he said sternly.
"I know." I nodded eagerly.
He gripped my shoulder and smiled slightly. "Love ya, Bells."
"Love you, too."
"Going to bed so early?" he asked, looking at my bed and the pillows scattered.
"Uh, yeah. Long day studying made me tired."
"Well, goodnight, kiddo."
"Night, Dad."
He slowly turned and walked back downstairs as I closed my bedroom door and took a deep breath. My closet door creaked open beside me, and I glanced at Jasper.
"That was kind of awkward," he said after a second.
I laughed quietly and nodded. "Yeah, sorry about that."
"It's alright."
"I was, uh, just making you a bed," I said as I grabbed the pillow and extra blanket at the bottom of my bed. "The floor might be kind of hard, so I can grab another blanket if you want to lay on that?"
"Sure, I guess."
I quickly grabbed another blanket from the hallway and laid it out on the floor. His bed was on the other side of mine so that if Charlie opened the door, he wouldn't see him easily. Once everything was in place for him, I sat on the edge of my bed as he picked up his guitar and plucked the strings gently.
"How long have you been playing?" I asked.
"Since I was seven. A friend had a guitar and let me play it when I visited. Later he told me to keep it, so I did. I've had it ever since."
"Do I know them?" I asked.
Jasper nodded and continued playing as he spoke. "Crowley."
I instantly remembered his comment from a few weeks ago about Crowley being his last friend and my curiosity got the best of me. "What happened between you two?" I asked.
"I'd rather not talk about it."
"He didn't hurt you, too, did he?" I blurted out.
"No, no… nothing like that. It's just… awkward to talk about."
I furrowed my brows as I tried to think about what could end a friendship that would be awkward.
Jasper looked up at me and sighed.
"Sorry, I just don't get it," I replied.
"Tyler was a good guy. We were really good friends until he…" Jasper stopped playing and rubbed the back of his neck "He came on to me in junior high."
"Tyler's gay?" I said a bit too loudly.
"Shh," Jasper whispered.
I covered my mouth, but my eyes grew wider. Tyler? Seriously?
"He wasn't sure at the time. When I told him I wasn't interested in… that… he got really upset. He told me to leave and never come back. He didn't speak to me after that."
"Are you serious?" I whispered as I leaned forward.
Jasper nodded. "I think he was confused. He became really reclusive after that and kept to himself, but once we all got to high school, he turned into this major jock with a chip on his shoulder."
"Wow," I mumbled. "What do you think happened?"
"I think he was confused and frustrated. I don't know for sure, though. Maybe he didn't want to face me after that? Maybe he was embarrassed? Maybe he isn't gay and was just curious? I have no idea. I wouldn't have judged him for it, though. He was my friend, and it wouldn't have bothered me, as long as he didn't keep hitting on me, anyway."
I laughed quietly and nodded my head. Maybe Tyler was embarrassed, and built up this macho appearance to cover up the truth?
Jasper started playing again and this time the lack of conversation wasn't as awkward. I watched him play for a while until my yawning started to hurt my jaw. Jasper yawned and shot me a look that seemed to say 'Gee, thanks.'
I chuckled, scooted back on my bed and climbed under my covers. Jasper put his guitar in my closet and laid down on the floor beside my bed. He pulled the blanket up to his hips and turned onto his side to face me. His shirt had twisted slightly, and I could just barely see the bottom of one of his most recent scars. I frowned and sighed heavily as I closed my eyes.
"I'm so sorry, Jasper," I whispered.
"For what?"
"That I can't do anything to make it better for you," I said as my heart jumped in my chest and I swallowed, trying to hold my tears back.
"I'll be fine," he said quietly.
"I wish you would tell someone," I mumbled.
Jasper didn't respond. I felt his warm fingers on my cheek as he caught one of my tears, and I shuddered. My heart swelled in my chest as something that felt like butterflies fluttered in my stomach.
Just a friend. He's just a friend, I repeated to myself. I opened my eyes and stared down at Jasper on the floor. My stomach flip flopped as I stared into his eyes.
I can't crush on my boyfriend's best friend. I'm only feeling this way because I care about him and hate seeing him hurt. It's not a crush. It's nothing more than friendship.
"What are you thinking?" Jasper whispered.
I shook my head and looked away. "Nothing," I lied.
I felt his eyes on me for a few more seconds. He straightened his shirt in my peripheral vision and pulled the blanket up to his shoulders.
"Goodnight, Bella," he said quietly.
"Goodnight, Jasper." I turned onto my other side and clicked the lamp off.
Just a friend, I repeated as my eyes dropped.
"I'm afraid to be alone; afraid you'll leave me when I'm gone.
I'm afraid to come back home.
I cannot forget – I live with regret.
I cannot forget – I live with… I'll live through this.
I can't see through this – I can't do this anymore."
~Staind – "Home"