Let Me Be Your Downfall
Chapter Twenty: The Difference
And for all you know this could be
The difference between what you need
And what you wanna be
"I'm going to tell him today," Jamie said to her reflection, a stern look on her face. "Today is different than the last eight because I'm actually going to tell him."
Jamie swallowed hard, her eyes flitting about as she looked at herself in the long mirror. She pushed her hair behind her right ear and looked down to where her other hand was resting upon the small bulge that was her - no, her and Remus's baby. She brought her right hand down on top of the left and intertwined her fingers.
"I will tell him," Jamie continued her pep talk, almost convincing herself this time.
"Tell who what?"
Jamie jumped almost comically before turning to see Jaclyn lingering in the doorway of their dormitory. She had an almost apologetic look on her face before she hurried in to fetch her bag.
"Sorry, I forgot my books," Jaclyn explained, shouldering her bag. "Is something wrong?"
"Oh, no, not at all," Jamie lied for what felt like the thousandth time in a few weeks. "I'll be down in just a few minutes."
"Good," Jaclyn nodded, retreating for the door. "James won't stop asking why you haven't come down yet. Did you two get into some sort of row and not tell anyone?"
"I don't think James and I have the capability to row," Jamie admitted, shaking her head. "He's just being a prat."
"No surprise there," Jaclyn flashed Jamie a grin. "See you."
"Yeah," Jamie sighed, although the door had already swung shut. Jamie met her own eyes in the mirror once more. "I have to do this."
"March 18, 1978.
"Well, it's official. I'm worried now. On the one hand I'm quite pleased that Jamie is so terrible at keeping things from me - I don't have to worry about not finding things out. On the other hand, I wouldn't mind being in the dark so much if I didn't know I was in the dark. I've never quite understood why she's tried to keep things from me in the past. I just hope it isn't too horrible - like she's dying or something to that effect. No, I'm sure it isn't that tragic. I know James knows, so he would've clued me in if it were life altering.
"I know, I know - why don't I just come out and ask her? I think Jamie enjoys thinking she's a superb actress and continually gets things past me. Who am I to take that joy away from her? I know it's daft logic, but she's suffering and I don't want her to feel as though she needs to tell me. It does worry me, though, that she's so reluctant to enlighten me.
"I should just say something. Knowing Jamie, she'll pretend nothing is going on until the last minute and by then I'll be in St. Mungo's for going absolutely bonkers. I could - "
"Moony, will you stop writing in that ruddy diary?" Sirius interrupted Remus's thoughts, walking into their dormitory with a towel cinched around his waist.
"It's not a diary," Remus stuck up for himself, but closing it nonetheless. "It's a journal."
"It's been a diary since you had the one with the lock on it," Sirius countered, grinning at himself in the mirror before messing his hair up so it sprayed water around the room.
"That was in the second year and my mum had bought it for me."
"Doesn't mean you had to use it," Sirius shrugged, putting some hair gel in his hands and styling his hair.
"You take a terribly long time getting ready everyday," Remus tried to change the subject as he played with the edges of the cover of his journal.
"There's a difference between being a namby-pamby person who writes in a diary and a ruggedly masculine person who wants to give everyone something nice to look at," Sirius retorted, checking out his hair in the mirror.
"Hey, Padfoot, have you told Charlie about swapping spit with Jaclyn yet?" Remus cheeked, smirking as the blood left Sirius's face.
"Sod off, Moony," Sirius muttered, glaring at him through his reflection in the mirror. "I don't even think Jaclyn remembers."
"You know, for as many girls you've dated you'd think that you would've picked up at least a little bit on the things that matter most to them."
"And you're an expert, I suppose?" Sirius rolled his eyes.
Remus snorted. "Yeah, right, like I have any idea as to what's going through Jamie's head. Even now she's keeping things from me and I haven't a clue what it is."
"Why don't you talk to her?" Sirius asked, walking to his dresser and picking out his clothes.
"I will," Remus shrugged. "When she decides she wants to divulge what's going on."
"I bet James knows," Sirius taunted, shooting his friend a cocky grin as he began to dress.
"I know he knows," Remus groaned in frustration, falling back into his bed and staring at the top of his canopy. "I'd love it if she'd talk to me about these things rather than James."
"Well, they've been there for each other since they were in nappies," Sirius pointed out, pulling on his pants.
"I know," Remus screwed his eyes shut, bringing one of his hands to his forehead. "But he isn't marrying her - I am."
"Which brings us back to the fact that you should talk to her," Sirius shrugged, rubbing a spot on his hipbone where there was a deep purple bruise.
Just then, there was a knock on the door and it slowly opened up, showing Jamie's peaked face, complete with dark bags under her eyes from lack of sleep.
"Hi," she said simply, sliding into the room and letting the door shut behind her.
"Bloody hell, Jamie, I was naked maybe three minutes ago," Sirius scolded her, taking his sweater indignantly and pulling it over his head.
"I've seen you naked before, Sirius," Jamie replied dully, looking at Remus who was still lying back with his journal open on his chest. "I wasn't impressed."
Upon hearing this, Remus let out a snort of a laugh and lowered his journal a couple of inches to make eye contact with Jamie.
"Shut your face," Sirius replied, making a face at Jamie. "I'm going to go downstairs where people appreciate my humor."
"You might have to go farther than the common room then, mate," Remus grinned to Sirius, who left the room without another word. Once the door was shut, he asked Jamie, "Do you think we all give him too hard of a time?"
"Nothing he can't handle," Jamie kicked off her shoes before she crawled next to him on his bed. "What's that?"
"What? Oh, it's my journal," Remus shrugged, closing the small notebook. "I have a bunch but I've been using this one since fifth year, when I learned a charm so the paper won't ever run out."
"That must save money on journals," Jamie said conversationally. "I didn't know you kept a journal."
"I have since my mum sent me one for Christmas when I was twelve," Remus nodded.
"Will you read me something?"
"Uh, sure," Remus agreed uncomfortably. "What do you want to hear?"
"I don't care," Jamie answered, finding her spot next to him. She trailed one of her fingers down his sweater, feeling the wool. "Anything."
"Uh, all right," Remus replied, flipping the journal open to the front, then clearing his throat. "'September 29th, 1975,'" he began, then turned to look at Jamie. "Are you sure you want me to read this?"
"You don't have to if you don't want to," Jamie said, her eyes closed.
"'September 29th, 1975,'" Remus began again, allowing himself to put an arm around Jamie and stroking her long hair slowly. "'I'm not terribly sure how it worked out, but I've become really close to Jamie these past few weeks. Sirius cheated on her a couple times over the summer and even into the beginning of the school year - what a stupid blighter. I'm starting to think that I like her more than just as little Jamie Williams, James's cousin. She's grown up quite a bit these past few years and it hurts me more than I thought imaginable to see her cry over Sirius. I don't know what's going to happen with us, though.'"
Remus flipped forward quite a few pages, then continued reading. "'April 13th, 1977. James told me today that I need to tell Jamie soon about being a werewolf. I don't think I can. I know we've been together and that I will marry her someday (who knows when - I just know she's The One), but I know how frightened she is of werewolves…and I don't know what I'd do if she'd leave me over it. Then again, if I do end up marrying her, I'm sure she'll notice when I get all hairy and mean once a month.'" Remus let out a laugh. "It always makes me laugh when I look back on older entries."
Suddenly, Jamie sat up and gave Remus such a serious look that he nearly ran from the room. After a fleeting moment, Jamie swallowed hard, then broke their eye contact.
"Remus, do you remember how you felt when you were thinking about telling me you're a werewolf?" Jamie asked quietly, then bit her bottom lip.
"Vividly," Remus nodded, nearly doing a back flip when he realized that she was finally going to tell him what was going on.
"I'm pretty sure that's how I feel right now," Jamie continued, wringing her hands uncomfortably. "I've been meaning to tell you something pretty important for over a week now, but I haven't known how."
"You can tell me anything, you know that," Remus urged, taking one of Jamie's hands.
"I know, Remus," Jamie interjected, taking her hand back and blinking furiously. "Just - just promise me you won't be upset."
"Of course I won't be upset," Remus nodded. "Surprised, perhaps, but you know as well as I do that it's near impossible for me to become upset with you."
"This might be one of those exceptions," Jamie murmured, reaching forward and holding Remus's right hand and sandwiching it between her own.
"What's going on?" Remus asked, his voice urgent. "You're worrying me."
"Love, I'm - we - I," Jamie stammered, looking for the right words. "Oh, hell." She reached over for Remus's wand, which was lying on his bed. She pointed it at herself, ignored Remus's protests, and muttered, "Revelaresecretus." Remus and Jamie both watched as a pale silver wisp of fog floated in the air just above Jamie's abdomen. After a few seconds, it began to clear and revealed a pale orange orb.
Remus squinted his eyes, lowering his head to get a better look. "That's a real neat charm and all but, er, I don't quite understand."
Jamie sighed impatiently, having been thoroughly convinced that Remus would have recognized the charm. To let off some steam, she waved her hand through the remnants of the charm so it began to scatter into the air.
"Apparently every mum is supposed to show her teenager daughter that one," Jamie began to explain, putting Remus's wand back onto his bed. "Naturally, my mum, being the prude she is, never would have expected me to need to know such a charm - not until I was at least 35, of course."
"Okay?" Remus cocked an eyebrow. "And?"
"Remus, that charm is meant to show if there is something physically hidden within something," Jamie continued, intertwining her fingers with his. "If the orb glows green, the person is fine. If it glows orange it means that there is something hidden."
"'Physically hidden'?" Remus asked, looking confused. "Why haven't I heard - "
"It used to be used more commonly in the years past," Jamie interrupted, "but people began to find that there are ways to trick the charm. Now, however, it's basically only used to test for pregnancies."
"Pregnancies?" Remus's eyes widened, his jaw dropping. "And - and the orb was orange and that means…"
"Remus, we're going to have a baby," Jamie said quickly, meeting his eyes timidly.
Remus looked at Jamie, unable to break his gaze, as though he was expecting her to jump up and shout, "Surprise!" When she didn't, he blinked furiously, averting his gaze to their hands, which they were unconsciously playing with.
"You're - we're - "
"Yes," Jamie nodded when his voice trailed off.
"How?" Remus asked, not meeting her eyes just yet. "We were so careful - "
"Not as careful as we should have been, apparently," Jamie chuckled humorously. "I'm just guessing that it was that one time at Sirius's over Christmas."
"All this time?" Remus asked, looking up to her in disbelief as he furrowed his brow. "Have you known for three months?"
"I've had suspicions for the past month or so, but I didn't really want to believe it," Jamie admitted, looking away from him and flushing slightly. "I only just found out for certain last week."
"Does anyone else know?" Remus asked.
"Just James," Jamie flushed more, before quickly rattling off, "I know I should've told you straight away, but I was scared that you'd be upset and James just happened to be there and he pretty much forced me to tell him and I wanted - "
"Shhh," Remus interrupted, putting his hand over Jamie's mouth. "Stop talking."
"I'mph shorfy," Jamie replied, her voice muffled by Remus's fingers. She pulled his hand down by his wrist and entwined her fingers with his. "Are you upset?"
"Of course not!" Remus insisted, bringing their hands to his face so he could lightly kiss her fingertips. "I'm quite surprised and a bit overwhelmed at the moment, but we'll make this work, right?"
"We will?" Jamie asked quietly.
"Of course we will," Remus nodded, though he looked a bit scared at the same time. "I mean, it's not exactly going to be easy or anything, but we'll figure it out."
They sat in silence for a few minutes before Jamie flopped back into Remus's pillows. They exchanged a look before Remus laid down on his side, propping himself up with one arm. With his other, he slowly pushed up the bottom of Jamie's sweater, revealing her belly that, now that he knew her secret, looked a bit larger than normal. Remus gingerly ran his fingers across her bare skin, then allowed her to cover his hand with her own.
"I'm scared," Jamie sighed, rubbing her thumb against his own.
"Me, too," Remus admitted, meeting her eyes. "Have you told your mum and dad yet?"
Jamie shook her head slowly, a stricken look on her face. "D'you think they need to know?"
"Maybe," Remus smiled, not wanting to think about what his own mum was going to say to him. "It'll be all right, though."
"You know what?" Jamie asked, smiling warmly at him. "I think it will be, too."
Jaclyn swallowed hard, glancing down at the tattered piece of parchment that she held in her fingers. On it was written, 'Meet me in the Astronomy Tower tonight at 8,' and it didn't say whom it was from. She knew it was a bit dumb that she had gone, but she half hoped that it was "Orion," despite that the handwriting didn't match. She even let herself muse as to whether or not it was Sirius, but she had long before decided it couldn't be him because she would have recognized his loopy handwriting.
Over the past week, Jaclyn had chosen to pretend that she had drunk too much to remember her apology and the kiss that they shared in Hogsmeade. While it was obvious he still remembered, he hadn't made any inclination to discuss it with her or tell Charlie, for that matter. Rather than cause more drama, Jaclyn had began to ignore Sirius's presence as she had been before Remus's birthday and act as though she wasn't terribly hurt by what had happened.
Jaclyn put the parchment back into her pocket of her robes and slowly walked in a circle as she looked around the Tower. The sun was still illuminating the room and casting long shadows, adding to the ambiance that was the Astronomy Tower.
After a few minutes, Jaclyn huffed loudly and glanced at her watch to see that it was nearly quarter past. She reached down, picked up her bag, and began to stride toward the entrance of the Tower. Just before she reached it, though, the door swung open and Mani Patil hurried in, almost knocking Jaclyn over.
"Jaclyn?" he asked, his eyes adjusting to the dimly lit room. "Sorry, Peeves held me up; otherwise I would've been on time."
Jaclyn blinked a few times, surprised that it was Mani for some reason, but pleased nonetheless. "It's all right. I got your note?"
"Yes," Mani shot her a roguish grin before leading her back into the heart of the Tower. He motioned for her to join him on a long couch that sat along one of the walls. "I wanted to talk to you."
"All right," Jaclyn nodded, dropping her bag and playing with her hair absentmindedly.
"Well, er, we've been getting to know each other an awful lot lately," Mani barreled forward, looking a bit uncomfortable. "It's been really wonderful, to be sure. I didn't know that we had so much in common before."
"Neither did I," Jaclyn admitted. In truth, she had only had her eye on Mani because of his good looks - but no one had to know that.
"And, well, I realize that we'll both be finishing up with Hogwarts soon and I had rather hoped that maybe, you know, we could, er, pursue a relationship," he continued, talking faster as he neared the end of the sentence. He looked at her sheepishly and Jaclyn had a suspicion that if it wasn't quite so dark in the room, she'd see that he was blushing furiously.
"Like, be boyfriend and girlfriend?" Jaclyn asked, a smile playing on her lips.
"Yes," Mani nodded, biting his lip. "I mean, if you don't want to - "
"No, I'd love to," Jaclyn grinned, leaning forward and kissing him softly on the lips. "I'd been hoping you'd ask me for quite some time."
"Oh," Mani replied, his eyes wide as though he hadn't expected her to agree. "Well, great!"
They were silent for a few moments, then they both started to laugh. Before long, Mani cupped Jaclyn's face in his large hands and brought her face to his. As they began to kiss, Jaclyn's mind flashed back to kissing Sirius on the snowy bench outside of the Three Broomsticks, causing tears to rush to her eyes near automatically.
As Mani deepened the kiss, Jaclyn forced any thoughts of Sirius from her mind - anything from how great his hair had looked that morning to how much she loved the feel of his lips on her own - and focused on Mani, her boyfriend.
Author's Note: Thankfully, LandUnderWave bought me a Shield Hat, so I'm safe from any potential flying objects due to the ending of this chapter. Also, I apologize for how super short it was..I didn't really have a lot more to add. Pretty sure my cousin will complain, but she doesn't have a say anymore because she stopped reviewing. :-)
I think that it's going to speed up soon, mainly because I don't want to have any super boring chapters or anything of the like. So, hopefully y'all won't mind. Aaanyways, thanks for reading!
Asterisk Truly: Haha, I'm glad you suspected right! Thanks for not throwing them..but not stopping is almost as bad! ;-) Thanks for reading!
LandUnderWave: Thanks for reading (and the handy hat haha)!
RockStar Lover: I was debating back and forth over who I wanted to be the second to know..and it just seemed like James was perfect. I mean, obviously Remus had to find out, but I think James would have given Jamie a lot of the strength she needed to tell Remus in the first place. Anyways, thanks for reading!
Nicoley117: I've only met one native-Wisconsinite (Wisconsinian?) that didn't like cheese..and everyone was quite shocked. Gotta love living in a state known for its dairy products and beer. Anyways, thanks so much for reading! I'm glad you thought it was spiffy. :-D
Ariella Lupin: Wisconsin has actually grown on me in the past year or so, but that's partially because I moved out of it for school and then came back. The only think really keeping me here, though, is my family and friends. Once I finish school I'm planning on moving to NYC or England..whichever one floats my boat at the time. :-) Anyways, I'm glad you loved the chapter and thanks for reading!
dolly: Oh, the drama is building! Thanks for reading!
radical-rebel: I absolutely looove Dashboard Confessional. I was really struggling to find a song for that chapter and then it hit me how perfect "The Brilliant Dance" fit. It's probably my favorite, too, up there with "Hands Down." Anyways, thanks a ton for reading and I'm glad you're enjoying it! And I also hope that you're well rested now:-)
tresdrole: I'm glad you liked it! Thanks for reading!