Happy Without Me
Chapter Nineteen – I Still Carry Your Love
A/N: Sorry peeps! It's not quite done yet, no worries I'll tell you when it's officially over.
Summary: Sure, everyone says long distance doesn't work. But if anyone was gonna make it work it was supposed to be them. They've always beat the odds – until now. Now, Amy is just walking away like they don't have two decades worth of history. Karma doesn't know why Amy made so many promises when she wasn't going to follow through with any of them.
'Untie this cord, we don't need it no more. Wherever we are I'm yours always'
Five Years After The Break Up (Present Day)
It's all very anxiety inducing.
Sure, Amy's been living with her for the last few weeks but it's all been very platonic - up until now. It's been under the guise of "just friends" so there was never any pressure there – not that Amy's pressuring anything – but Karma just feels it. She just feels the tension lingering in the room between them as she goes to change into her pajamas.
If this were any other night she'd just get changed but now that they've kissed everything feels different. Everything feels so undefined (because it is). She doesn't even know how to start that conversation – she's not really even sure that's a conversation she should be having because it feels so middle school.
But what are they exactly? Best friends – sort of? Ex-girlfriends – definitely. Kind of girlfriends again? – Maybe. But Karma doesn't know. Karma's not sure if they're even on the road to recovery after two kisses. Yeah, Amy's staying permanently now, but she's still not totally sure if they should jump the gun on this whole relationship thing.
Maybe Karma's not even really ready for a relationship again. She just broke up with Liam at the funeral – maybe she needs some mourning time. That'd be the proper way to break up with someone after a year and half of dating. Right?
She's frustrated with all of her lines of thought and Amy looks so god damn pretty in her pajamas it's really unfair. It is unfair that anyone should look so good in flannel pants and a t-shirt and Karma wonders why Amy didn't just move on and find someone else. She's certainly not someone to spend five years pining over.
"Amy, are you sure it's me?" and her voice is so soft she's not even entirely sure she said that out loud.
Amy kind of half-smiles and says, "Karma, of course it's you. It's never been anybody but you – since the day we met remember?"
It's weird, Karma thinks, to have met her soulmate at five years old. It's a little bit weird to be standing in her bedroom with her twenty-five years later trying to figure out how to re-kindle something that went so terribly wrong.
But then, Karma tries to picture herself with anyone else and it just doesn't feel right. It's kind of written in the stars for them (and yeah, she laughs at herself a little for a corny fucking joke that totally references the stars on Amy's ceiling). She wonders for a second if those stars are still there or if they'll ever see them again if Amy never really makes amends with Bruce.
It's hard to think about letting those little things go.
Karma sighs. Maybe, if they're going to start something new though, she needs to let go of the past a little bit. Maybe she needs to see this fresh start as something not so thoroughly intertwined with the last time. Their past is always going to be there, for sure. But if Karma keeps comparing every little thing she's going to walk them right into destruction. She's never going to be able to trust Amy if she keeps seeing Amy as the girl who walked away. She needs to look at this Amy – the one standing right in front of her – and see her as thirty-year old Amy who's asking for the future even though twenty-five year old Amy said otherwise.
She kind of needs to get to know this Amy because they've missed five years. They kind of fucking wasted five years they're never going to get back. And yeah, Karma could wax poetic about how maybe they needed the time apart to grow and come back together or she could just cross the room and kiss Amy because it's really all she's wanted to do since they got back in from their walk.
Honestly, it's really all she's wanted to do since Amy arrived back in Austin.
And that kind of hits her like a brick wall.
It's been hard keeping her guard up against Amy because Amy's always been the one person that's been on the other side of the wall with her. Amy's always been her partner-in-crime, her BFF, the girl that had her heart. Amy has always been her comrade in the war against the rest of the world and when Amy went AWOL things kind of went to shit. But the second Amy came back Karma's world snapped into focus, she saw colors again, and all that cheesy shit that she loves about rom-coms.
She supposes them coming back together has always been sort of inevitable. She's just been so preoccupied waging her own war to protect her own heart that she totally missed when Amy worked her way back in.
Karma thinks of that silly song she wrote sophomore year – but Amy really is the salt to her pepper, the moon to her sky – Amy actually is her other half. Amy keeps her feet on the ground when she gets a little lost in the clouds. They just sort of fit together, pieces of the same puzzle, if you will. Karma doesn't really want to exist in a world where they aren't a package deal.
Those five years were so fucking stupid, she realizes. She never really stopped thinking of Amy. She never really stopped hoping that Amy would come back – it was always there. In the back of her cluttered mind she was always wishing for her return. She was always waiting for the phone call, she was always looking for that smile, she was always holding out hope.
Everyone makes mistakes.
It all happens so fast, but then she's grabbing Amy's face, pulling her down into a kiss that she hopes speaks volumes about her feelings. Amy's never not responded to her so she immediately feels teeth and tongue and desperation as she loses herself in it. It feels like Amy's basically done with all of her hesitation when she pins Karma up against the same wall from ten years ago.
But Karma lets go of those memories and reminds herself it's time to make new ones. She can't live her life with one foot in their past – she needs to be one hundred percent present in what's going on now if they're going to make this work. So, she pushes them off that wall and takes the upper hand.
It's all sort of rough and frantic for a few minutes there. It's shirts being heaved over heads, fingers in waistbands of pajama pants, labored breathing and bruised lips. Karma manages to get them to the bed somewhere in the process and finds herself under Amy without quite knowing how it all happened so quickly.
It's been so long since she's felt Amy hovering over her – it's been so long since she's felt lips on her skin that seem to make her heart skip a beat with every touch. Amy looks at her like she's precious and like she might shatter (and honestly, she might). And it's Amy that slows the pace for them as she skims her hands over bare thighs and brushes her lips against exposed shoulders. Karma is pretty sure she won't survive if Amy's going to do it this way. She could've totally handled a rough quickie but if Amy's going to treat her like she's made of glass and pour love into every single look she might find that it sends all of her stability nose diving into an ocean of unbridled emotion.
Karma wishes she could stop loving Amy so fiercely, but she's never really been able to control her heart.
Amy looks up when she hears Karma's breath get caught in her throat. Yeah, she's that girl right now, the one that's fighting off tears in the middle of foreplay. God, she just wants to crawl in a hole and pretend they're still going at it like teenagers against the wall.
There's too much going on here and it's overwhelming all five senses. Amy's skin against her own is just devastating in its own way. This isn't all playing out in her head anymore (the way it so often has) – this is real and if she really gives Amy this last piece, she's giving Amy every bit of the upper hand she thought she had.
"Hey, Karma, hey," Amy's eyes are full of concern and fear that she's caused pain. She settles to the side and lays an arm over Karma's waist in some sort of silent reassurance. "This doesn't-"
"Amy, please don't hurt me," her voice cracks and falters by the second word and she scrambles to stop herself from collapsing completely. It's one thing to be losing her shit in general; it's a whole other thing to be doing it naked in bed with Amy – as if she needed to find a way to be as vulnerable as humanly possible.
Amy literally refuses to let her pull away – she tugs on Karma's waist and just pulls her closer until they're sharing a pillow and recycled air. "I never meant to, okay? I will be better," she punctuates her sentence with a kiss that leaves Karma completely breathless. "I promise you. I'm here," and then she smiles and scrunches her nose up a little bit and Karma is so goddamn sure she's never going to feel this way about anyone else.
This suddenly feels like the unraveling of all of her distrust because Amy is right here. It's like having the air breathed back into her lungs when it was so viciously stolen years ago.
"You promise?"
"I do. Trust me," and it's so earnest that Karma really can't help but put some trust there; at least for tonight.
She has to keep reminding herself – Amy's not leaving. Amy is staying. For good. Amy has a job that is going to keep her here. Amy loves her and doesn't want to leave again.
When Amy kisses her again the world feels solid and right side up. Nothing about this feels temporary anymore it feels concrete and permanent. It really doesn't take much at all before she's completely absorbed in all of the emotions that are taking hold.
"I'm going to spend every day showing you that I'm here," Amy's voice is careful and soft like she's trying to make sure she doesn't scare Karma away. But it's not so much in the words that Karma feels reassurance it's in the hands that have always made her tremble. It's in the touches and the gentle way that Amy pushes into her like they might never going to get this moment again.
Things in her heart seem to right themselves when she feels Amy's fingers – and then she kind of internally cringes because if it was Shane telling her a line like that she'd think he watched one too many movies. But her and Amy, they've always had a connection that was only made deeper by their relationship. And sex between them has never been anything short of mind blowing. It's always made Karma lose her mind with the constant collision of pleasure and passion. And yeah, Amy might know how to work her over in a way that makes her see stars but it's the way Amy looks at her during – it's the look she's getting right now that makes it better somehow.
It's in the way she feels Amy slowly explore her body that makes her shiver in anticipation. It's the feeling of Amy's forehead on hers that makes her sigh in contentment. This closeness is something she hasn't had in years and it makes her crave more of it. It makes her pull at the small of Amy's back to maximize contact.
It amazes Karma that Amy never seemed to forget how much she likes to be kissed throughout. Amy keeps close, keeps kissing her, keeps the whole thing so torturously slow that Karma's pretty sure she's going to sweat off like five pounds by the time she finishes.
She comes when Amy kind of groans out "Karma" against her ear and it feels nothing like it used to. Amy sounds like she's pleading and the tone alone has her muscles contracting hard around fingers that are still coercing every last bit of this out of her. She can see Amy holding her breath, watching the whole thing with wonder – almost surprised she can still incite that kind of reaction.
Karma yanks Amy down hard by the back of her neck. She doesn't really know what she's looking for – maybe it's just a 'thank you' that she can't find the words for right now. But Amy responds in kind and then pulls away to stand up.
She feels bile in her throat when she croaks out, "Stay, please stay."
Amy seems to realize all of her actions were misconstrued. "I was just gonna get you water… I'll stay. I'm sorry I – wasn't thinking. I was just so used to-"
"I know. Sorry, I'm kind of being a basket case here," Karma says as she curls up under the comforter. Amy lays back down and places a gentle kiss to her cheek.
"You're not. It's gonna take time. We're gonna take time. We can't fix it overnight."
It used to feel like they were eternal but now Karma knows better. She knows they still have a long road to recovery – but maybe this was a step in the right direction. This was a step Karma needed to take to open herself up so they can be in this thing together.