First, I just have to say I am so very sorry for the wait. There's no excuse, but the writer's block really hit me hard. Thank you for sticking with me. And I hope this chapter was worth the wait. (Disclaimer: It may be an upsetting chapter for some readers, but please don't let that discourage you!)

While I was typing away I stumbled upon a song that completely encompasses this chapter: Breathe Again, Sara Bareilles.

Chapter 19

Love's Fools

The dream continued on.

Loki had much to show Ellie and, with his guilt ridden conscious on the mend, he was eager to do so. Ellie, keen on ridding herself of the nightmares that plagued her thoughts with every slowly dragging second, followed along. She was still weary, still unable to feel her heart warm even with the knowledge that the Other was dead and gone. The distraction, any distraction, was welcomed.

Asgard was a city unlike any other. Even in her most glittering, fantastical dreams she had never imagined a place of such splendor. Buildings, crafted of what Ellie could only identify as gold, caught soft beams of star light and glowed. Intricate patterns were etched into the streets and floors. Trees

With her hand locked tightly with his, Loki guided her through shadows and alleys. He showed her the expansive hall of archives, littered with small lights and thousands of records. They slid through passageways he had discovered as a child and used to navigate the halls of the castle without detection.

The night seemed never ending.

As the sky began to change, giving birth to new stars and new colors, Ellie was beginning to fade. This was the most she had moved in weeks. Loki, realizing this somewhat late, slowed his pace to a stop.

"There's one last place," He said gently, apologetically.

Ellie realized that she would have to return to that glorified gilded cage. She nodded to him, eager for another new sight.

He led her to an arched opening, covered by curled vines. It was small, compared to the reaching height of all the architecture she had seen that night. Loki would have to duck down to make it through.

Saying nothing, Ellie's grip tightened. He leaned down, pressing his lips to her forehead. "It's okay."

Ellie allowed him to guide her into the dark.

As they walked, her hand she brushed the wall. The stone was cool and slick. Her heart jolted, the feeling of it bringing back more invasive memories.

Thankfully, the tunnel was not long. In no longer than a minute they had arrived at Loki's destination.

It was a garden. The trees surrounding the stone walls echoed the shape of willows. They stretched so high, with foliage so thick, that Ellie could not see the sky above them. Still, small shafts of cool light managed to weave through the foliage and bring a dim light to the garden.

Ellie could hear the faraway sound of running water. Looking around Loki she could see a small pond with water as black and as still as a moonless night. Thick grass covered the ground. It was long and lush, and looked as though it had never suffered from lack of water or unbearable heat.

Intent on seeing more, Ellie slid her hand from Loki's and stepped further into the garden. Small flowers, whiter than clouds grew from wispy bushes, emitting a sweet smell. Feeling utterly exhausted, she sat herself down on a large, tilted rock that sat near the still pond. Peering closer, she could make out her own shadowy reflection.

An icy breeze glided wickedly past her, teasing her exposed arms. A shiver crawled up her spine and slithered into her very bones. She looked over her shoulder. Her heart froze when she realized Loki was looking at her. His eyes, so dark and deep, pierced into her like an arrow.

Her fingers twitched nervously and she touched the fabric of her dress, gathering it in her hands and clutching it like a blanket, hoping it would stave off a sudden spark of vulnerability. She focused her attention on her lap, too shaken to look up.

The pale, airy fabric complimented her skin beautifully but it only exaggerated the feeling that had been haunting her since she had woken up.

She felt positively ghostlike. Her skin, still somewhat plagued by malnourishment, looked chalky and the freckles on her arms stood out more than usual. It was as if she was transparent; like any passing stranger could see right through her skin and gaze upon the inner workings of her heart, each coil and cog spelling out her brokenness, her most private of thoughts and her still very tangible fears.

She knew there were still words that needed saying, but she had never imagined that Loki would be willing to listen. She could see it in his eyes, he was waiting. Waiting for her. He had questions and he was no longer scared of the answers.

As her heart quaked, her mind called out to her. Say something Ellie. Anything!

"I missed you." She said finally.

She cursed herself. That certainly wasn't what she had wanted to say. Of all the words she had floating around in her head, how had those particular ones managed to slip through her lips?

For months after Loki had left her, she had been trying to formulate some sort of response were he ever to return. The first was a barrage, an attack of such force and brutality she had been sure it would render the god of lies speechless with shame. She would lie awake during the night, her hand holding Steve's, grinning in the dark while imagining the look on his face as she laid into him, each word specifically crafted to hit him like the sting of a blade.

On other days, her words were fragile and honest. They came from her heart, pumping a blush to her cheeks, filling her with both infinite love and terrible sadness. Love, because the words felt just right. Sadness, because it was the undeniable truth and back then, she had no way of knowing if she would ever see him again.

Now, however, the words of anger and accusation escaped her. And she was left only with the truth. She wanted to scream and yell, therefore unleashing the months upon months of hope and uncertainty, a rather deadly mix. She wanted to avenge the nights of lost sleep, daily distractions and unending wondering.

Realizing that such an approach would do her no good here, she released her animosity in a single huff.

"I still miss you." She said, struggling against the instinct to look away. It was a struggle she was doomed to lose. Her eyelids fluttered and she looked to the pond again past her reflection. It calmed her nerves.

"I miss you right now. This very second." She pulled in a shaky breath. The floodgates had been opened, there was nothing she could do to stop the words from coming now.

"After a while I was convinced you were never coming back. So I just sort of floated along, but not a single day went by where I didn't think about you and trick myself into believing I'd seen you. Every chilly breeze, every black cat that crossed my path, every whisper on the wind….I just couldn't help but think that maybe…maybe it was you. It's so silly I know, you were never going to-to…"

She paused, her throat encircled by the same forlornness that had crept ever closer on those particularly lonely days.

"…come back." She finished, garbling the words. The more she spoke the more she felt like a fool. The dream began to fade; the gold lost its glimmer as she remembered how things had been before Loki returned to terrorize the earth.

She was desperate stop; to save what was left of her dignity.

What dignity? She thought listlessly. You lost that begging for death, breaking nails and fingers trying to survive, failing to kill that monster, dragging yourself away. Dignity…you've none of that left.

The words kept coming; a seemingly unending stream that once unleashed could not be contained.

"I thought maybe, with time, you would just fade away like all the others. But you're like a wound, you know? You sliced right into my heart, Loki. No matter how hard I tried to sew you up...I could still feel you, like a scar. Every time my heart beat."

In the stillness of another Asgardian night, a creature stirred. Rows of silky black feathers twitched, sending small waves through the air. Glassy ink black eyes opened, startled from a deep sleep.

As its tiny, flitting brain worked to understand its sudden consciousness, the creature groaned.

Odin's raven stiffened, breath catching in its throat.

Something in his master's city was out of place.

As Loki listened, something stirred in deep down in his heart. Though he could not identify it, it was familiar to him and filled him with dread. The more he listened, the more he understood. It wasn't dread that was seeping from his veins…it was something more. He felt filthy, he felt rotten.

He felt guilt.

Loki was no stranger to guilt. As a child, his mirth for pranks could only be chilled by his mother's disapproving stares. On rare occasions, he felt guilty for tricking Thor so often. Such feelings were fleeting however, small twinges that could be easily shaken off or argued away. In each passing internal struggle, his craftiness always won out over guilt.

"Loki?"

Loki had not realized she had spoken again. He watched her turn away again, back to the pond.

In the dim light, he could see shadows of scars stretched across her back and shoulders like the thin branches of trees.

Unable to stomach the sight, marched to her and crossed behind. Lowering himself to the sit by her side he hunched forward, his elbows resting on his thighs. His hands clasped together, his mind racing.

"Why?" Ellie asked, knowing he was settled. "Why did you have to leave like that?"

Loki gazed down at her, but a sheet of ginger hair was blocking her face. Her voice was unreadable and Loki could not tell whether she was accusing him or merely questioning him.

"There were things that needed doing." He said, after some time.

Ellie turned to him then, her eyes sparking.

"That's all you have to say for yourself?"

Now she was accusing. Loki bristled, a stranger to such gall.

"Yes." Loki said, at once with a bite of finality. "It doesn't concern you."

Ellie, forgetting all lamentations, stood up so that she could stare down at him.

"I'm sorry, Loki" Ellie said, entirely unapologetic. "It's not good enough."

Loki looked up at her with all the rebelliousness of a child. Ellie, growled in frustration. There was no talking to him when he was like this. Even after she had spilled her soul so messily, still he refused to be honest with her.

"Take me back." Ellie demanded, sick to her stomach.

At her words, rage triggered deep in Loki's heart like a poison, spreading quickly and turning black his neglected heart. Back. Back to the soldier.

"Never." He said frostily.

"What?" Ellie said, incredulous.

"Back?" Loki repeated, rising and towering over her. "You wish for me to take you back? Back to Earth? Back to the soldier?"

"Back to my room." Ellie clarified. "Loki, this has nothing to do with Steve."

Loki felt bile rise in his throat at the very sound of the soldier's name.

"It's everything to do with that human experiment!" Loki spat back. "Don't deny it."

"Deny what?" Ellie questioned, aghast.

He reached for her then; catching her wrist and drawing her close.

"That you want to go back to him." He hissed, his lips by her ear. "That you think he's worthy of your affection. He's used his naïve charms to trick you into caring for him. My lovely little fool, don't you see?

"Let. go." Ellie seethed.

Surprisingly he did, nearly tossing her away as if he were sick to touch her at all. Ellie toppled backwards.

"You stand there, spewing stories that I have wronged you. Yet I am the one truly wronged." Loki said, glowering. "After all I've done for you, to make a life for us. I return to find you clinging to that manufactured soldier as if all is forgotten."

Ellie pushed herself back up to her feet, cursing her shortness. She wanted to be able to look him in the eye.

"After all you've done for me?" Ellie repeated, getting angry herself. "What exactly have you done for me? No!"

She stopped him from speaking. She had no desire to hear a word of defense from him.

"If I had never met you, if you had never fallen into my life like you did…I wouldn't be terrified of being left alone, I wouldn't be frightened of the dark. I wouldn't feel the need to search for out an exit every time I walked into a room for fear I may not be able to leave. I would not be trapped in this place, in another room with a door that I can't open."

Ellie stopped herself, knowing if she went on she would certainly start to cry. Her heart was beating so fast she thought it would burst.

"We both know why you came back, Loki." Ellie said, after gathering her wits about her. "I know you think my mortal mind can't even dare to fathom your desires, but I knew. After that little display in Germany, I knew. You saw a world to claim as your own. That's the only reason you came back."

"That's not true." Loki said.

"No?" Ellie said. "They what is?"

"Because your people needed me." Loki said. "Because it was yours. Had I succeeded, you would have been Queen. I did it for you. For us. I did it because I love you!"

"Because you love me?" Ellie repeated, all the fight gone from her. She knew what Loki was doing. He was lying; spelling out exactly what she wanted to hear. She knew it was a lie. She had heard his speech in Germany, the conviction in his voice. He wanted to rule, he wanted to spite his brother, he wanted to prove his strength and his malice. She was nothing but a prize to collect along the way.

"No." Ellie said shaking her head. "No Loki."

She turned away, unable to look at him at the truth she had always avoided washed over her.

"You don't love me." She said softly. "You can't. Because you don't understand what it means to love another person."

Loki said nothing, derailed by her sudden something.

"There is nothing to understand." He said, still willing to fight this out.

"Yes there is," Ellie said, unmoved by his ferocity.

Ellie swallowed, unable to say it again. It was all true. She had loved him first. That she would always love him more. She could happily drown in his affections even knowing they would never be enough.

"You're right. I'm a fool." She said, knowing now what she had to do. "It's my fault….for thinking that maybe one day you would understand. For wishing that you could love me."

Ellie caught the gaze of her reflection on the surface of the pond. She could see flickers of her old self: the independent, hopeful little thing, comfortable in her loneliness, unfettered by relationships that only ever left her burned. But those bits were just old shadows. They were all but carved out of her now.

"I wish you loved me Loki, I really do." Ellie said.

"But…you're cold and you're lost and you're a liar." She said; her voice thick and unrelenting. "And it's because of that…you'll never…"

Ellie stopped, shaking her head again.

I can't say it aloud, can I? He'll never love me. He doesn't have the heart for it. Does he even have a heart?

She sniffed, steeling herself against the wave of rejection that she had been holding back for too many years.

"Now," Ellie said, taking a breath to steady herself. "Take me back to my room."

A heavy silence hung in the air like smog. Loki, it seemed, had no plans to yield. He was stiff like the frost that emanated from his eyes.

Ellie could feel her eyes beginning to water. You can't Ellie, she thought. Not here. Not in front of him.

"Please," She said, "Loki."

The journey back to the healing room felt as though it took ages.

The trek back was the same they had taken at the start of the night. Though this time, Ellie saw it through a different pair of eyes. The gold lost its shine. The architecture seemed rusted and ancient. The sky and all its glittering stars looked to be too far away to be real. The dream was just that, a dream.

What I wouldn't give for all this to be a dream. Ellie lamented. I just want to go back to the way things were.

But even that life seemed so far away, a dream in its own right. Had she ever truly lived in such a way, without such poisonous worries and pains? Was it even possible to piece her life back together again?

Finally, they arrived.

"Ellie," Loki whispered.

Ellie didn't want him to speak. She couldn't take another lie.

"It's a sacrifice." She said, garnering the courage to look him in the eye. "It's more than petty affection; more than Lust. It's more than wanting another person, Loki."

"I want you,' She said. "I do. But it's not enough. What I really need is your heart. Not your body, not your mind or your soul. Just your heart. That's it. That's the sacrifice. It's one…I don't think you will ever be willing to make."

Before he could respond, Ellie pushed the door open and slid inside.

"Goodnight."

After slipping inside, Ellie pressed her back against the door to nudge it shut. She knew all too well that she would not be able to hear Loki leave, but she turned her ear to the door anyway.

Idiot. She thought to herself. Always hoping, always waiting…What a thing to be, the cynical optimist.

Inside of her was a hurricane of sorrow and frustration. And Ellie needed it out. She felt dizzy and sick and unable to breathe.

She managed to let it all go in one long, therapeutic exhale.

"Oh my child, I know that sigh all too well."

Ellie gasped, swallowing the yelp that popped into her throat. Her eyes fluttered open as she tried to steady her footing.

She wasn't alone.

Settled on the edge of her expansive bed, sat an older woman. She was dressed in similar fashion to the goddess Eir, though this woman's garb seemed far more polished; as if more time had been taking in crafting it. It was of lavender coloring, embellished with soft gold touches. Her hair was thick with curls perfectly sculpted to frame her face, while the bulk of it pooled down her back.

She was smiling warmly, knowing that she had frightened Ellie.

"I am Frigga, Queen of Asgard."

Ellie blinked and sputtered, "Oh."

So this is Loki's surrogate mother.

Still infuriatingly speechless, Loki returned to the Destroyer's prison. With a violent wave of his hand, the copy he had conjured vanished in a wisp of smoke and shadowy light.

How dare she speak to me in such a manner?

He dealt only with his anger, knowing that if he peeled away another layer he would only find the same dejection he had felt when learning of his true origin.

His fingers twitched, he was itching to destroy. He pondered the worthless lives of the guards that stood just outside the treasure room. What failures, allowing their charge to wander in the night. They don't deserve the honor of their position.

Before Loki could release his cruel magic on the unsuspecting guards, his concentration was broken by the jarring screech of a raven.

Looking up to his right, Loki could see the three eyed bird, perched on one of the geometric bars. It blinked one red eye at a time in swift succession, before cawing once more, stretching its wings and flying away.

Loki's grip went lax and a piteous sneer stretched over his face.

"Damn."

Ellie, with her back pressed to the door, was still at a loss for what to say. Loki had spoken little about his family and when he did his words were always tinged with bitterness.

Frigga seemed unperturbed by Ellie's startled state. She gestured to the bed with a wave.

"Please, sit down. You look faint."

"O…kay." Ellie said, lamely, still not able to process what exactly was happening. She pushed herself away from the door, almost tripping over the airy hem of her dress. She sat on the very edge of the bed and Frigga took a seat next to her.

"Now," she said. "Let me look at you properly."

She gently touched Ellie's shoulder, making Ellie flinch, and angled her so that they were facing one another.

Frigga's hand left Ellie's shoulder and moved up to catch a stray lock of ginger hair in her fingers.

"I must say, Ellie." Frigga said; her voice honest and warm. "That I am honored to meet you."

"Oh?" Ellie said, her surprised sounding more like a question than the acknowledgment Ellie had been hoping for. Frigga's hand dropped down and rested over Ellie's.

"If the fates had told me that both my sons would take mortal women for wives, I would have-"

"Oh no," Ellie said abruptly. "I'm not, definitely not-"

"Not now." Frigga said with a kind smile.

"Not ever." Ellie said firmly, itching to pull her hand away. Realizing she may have spoken too harshly, too quickly, she tried to backpedal. "What I mean to say is…I'm really not…Loki's not-he can't possibly. Ever…"

Ellie blushed, unable to conjure together a single coherent sentence.

Frigga nodded, her eyes downcast. Ellie gulped, realizing that she had somehow personally offended the Queen.

"I can only imagine what you must think of me." Frigga said.

Ellie felt Frigga's grip tighten on her hand.

"It is no easy task, my dear, to be act as both loving mother and dutiful queen. More often than not you are called to forsake the wishes of your family to protect your people."

Ellie felt uneasy, but she tried to stomach what the Queen was telling her.

"Because of my husband's failings…and mine,' Frigga continued. "I can longer fight for Loki, my son. He has become a danger to our people and to yours. My husband still chooses to deny his hand in these unfortunate circumstances. But not me."

Frigga looked to Ellie again and Ellie could see a single tear falling down the side of her face.

"I have failed Loki, as has my husband." She said. It sounded as though this was the first time she had admitted to such a thing, her voice was thick, but filled with relief. "My son, Thor, his love for his brother is unshakable, but there is only so much he can do."

Frigga shifted even closer.

"But you, child." She said, taking both of Ellie's hands into her own. Ellie could see her golden eye were alight with hope; hope enough to crush Ellie under it's weight.

"I-I'm sorry." Ellie said, suddenly knowing what was being asked of her. "But I don't think that I-"

"I beg you not to abandon him." Frigga said with earnest. "As his father has, as I must…"

Ellie shook her head. "I don't mean to, I just-"

"From the moment I saw you child, wrapped up in Loki's arms, I knew he had finally found his heart. He came to us, the parents that had failed him, no doubt thinking to surrender himself to save your life. And that's exactly what he did. I knew then, that you could be the only one."

Ellie bit her lip, conflicted by Frigga's unrelenting belief. She knew nothing of this woman or her family and yet she felt as though she had already let her down.

"It's just-"

Frigga wrapped her arms around Ellie then. Ellie's words were stalled by the sudden gentle touch. Her eyes slipped shut as Frigga lightly rubbed her back. It was the embrace of a mother, a sensation Ellie had always wished for, but had never received.

"It will never be easy, to love a soul as damaged as his." Frigga cooed.

After some time Frigga pulled back, gripping Ellie's arms and looking deep into her eyes.

"But I think you know as well as I do, dear," Frigga said. "That our Loki is capable of great love."

She released her then and rose to her feet. Smoothing out the thick folds of her dress, Frigga smiled down at Ellie.

"Well, I should leave you to rest." She said simply.

Ellie said nothing as Frigga's words were still seeping through her skin. Frigga moved towards the door.

Before leaving, Frigga smiled far off and away, carried by a thought Ellie could only guess at.

"I am so grateful to have met you, Ellie." She said.

Ellie, not knowing what to say, watched the door fall shut behind Frigga with a soft thud.

The morning dragged slowly by. Ellie had nothing to do but think on the events of the night. Confliction stirred in her belly like an angry pack of bees.

As the morning light began to grow stronger her thoughts soon tripled in number and Ellie fell back on the bed, unable to hold the weight of them. She had not meant to those things to Loki and after listening to Frigga's none too subtle pleadings, Ellie didn't know what to think.

She knew that Loki was fragile. Not in his mind or his body or his abilities, but in his heart.

"Great love…" She said aloud, still grappling with Frigga's words.

He came to us… no doubt thinking to surrender himself to save your life.

"Damn it." Ellie sighed, sending the curse to join all the unanswered questions.

All I said was the truth. It hurts me more than it could ever hurt him. He doesn't love me. He can't. He just wants me, like one wants a possession. She thought without bitterness.

Before she could drop deeper into the dark pit reserved only for those unlucky in love, the door was flung open.

Lifting her head up, Ellie could see a flustered looking Bryn standing there, quite out of breath. The copper haired, sprite of a girl, spotted Ellie on the bed and practically flew to her.

"Thank Odin, you're awake." She said, in a hurry. "Come on now, up, up, up! I have little time to prepare you."

"What?" Ellie asked, not sure she had even heard Bryn's hurried speech correctly. "Why?"

Bryn caught Ellie's hand and, with strength entirely disproportionate to her slight figure, pulled Ellie from the bed and led her past the fire pit around an open corner to the immaculate washroom.

Ellie, her head spinning, could hardly find the words to object. Bryn pulled her forward and placed her hands on Ellie's shoulders, pushing her down onto a stool.

Ellie, catching her reflection in the morning light, grimaced. Bryn, however, was distracted. "I forgot to bring the dress."

"Dress? No, I don't need-" Ellie tried to interject. She was quite fed up with all this shimmer and

"Of course you do." Bryn chided, a midst Ellie's weak protests. "I'll return in a moment."

"Bryn!" Ellie finally managed to shout just before Bryn was out of sight.

Bryn stopped, poking her head around the corner.

"Yes?"

"Why do I need a new dress?"

"The crowned prince has requested an audience with you." Bryn said.

Ellie felt her gut twist. If that's who I think it is…

"The crowned prince?" Ellie repeated with dread.

Bryn nodded in understanding, a nervous grin on her face.

"The god of thunder, of course. Thor Odinson."

I know, I know, you didn't think everything was solved did you? If only it were that easy. I suppose I cannot apologize enough for that horrendous wait (and for the sub-par last chapter). I hope you all find it in your hearts to stick with me. I have vowed to finish this story before May 5th (the day the first chapter came out), so updates will be more frequent.

As always, thank you so much for reading. It means the world to me.

I would love to hear from you! Much love!