A/N: Hey guys and gals and non-binary pals, thanks for reading! I figure you quite liked the last chapter! Well, sorry, but we're not done yet. There's 24 parts scheduled for this story, and we've still got some drama to be had! So I invite you to sit back and watch it unfold... This is very much a chapter of two halves! On with the show!
Chapter 20 - Spring 1802
As Philip Hamilton would discover, a bizarre sort of confidence comes from avoiding death when it had seemed inevitable; he wasn't made arrogant, as such, it was a subtle change, but a change nonetheless. He was touched with the dizzying sense that things could not possibly go wrong, and that his life would proceed without so much as a single unprecedented disturbance.
It emerged that the damage to Philip's hip was rather severe, and it was several months before he could walk anywhere, although even that was with a twisted grimace of agony and a person on either side supporting the majority of his body weight. So for the most part, save for the day upon which he was transported from his aunt's home to the Hamilton family residence and the few occasions when he insisted he struggled out of his room and down the stairs to integrate with his repaired and increasing family, he remained bound to his bed through the entirety of winter. This meant that, much to his chagrin, he was unable to relive the winter fair he had shown many years ago to his now-fiancee, nor play games of imagination and festive magic with his younger siblings and whirl them through the air as he had always loved to. But it was a price he was willing to pay, and in fact he endured it for the most part with a bright, sunny smile on his face, because he knew that in return for experiencing a few months of pain, he had been given the miraculous gift of life - and one he was particularly eager to begin fully living, since he had been promised the hand of his first and only love. For her part, Theodosia rarely left Philip's side, perfectly satisfied to while away hour after hour held tightly in Philip's adoring embrace, reading or sketching or talking or simply indulging in the pleasure which could be found by just having that precious physical contact with the charming young man with shining golden eyes. More often than not, when Philip had to amble uncomfortably from his bed, it was Theo who formed one of his human crutches. She would not be dissuaded from her daily visit to his side, though Aaron Burr was less than approving. Even so, she argued that she could not and would not neglect her oldest and dearest friend when he had recently come so perilously close to losing his life. Naturally, the thought of spending as much as a day without the joy of seeing the freckled face of her betrothed was also a drastically unappealing prospect, and one she was not willing to entertain, yet this reason was left unsaid to Aaron Burr.
Along with the small detail that she was intending to marry at all.
She could not bring herself to admit her engagement to a man she knew full well that her father despised, on account of the fact that she feared that new discovery could finally launch him headfirst into a bubbling pool of anger, prompting him to resort to physical conflict with Philip's Father.
In all fairness, Philip had neglected to make a formal announcement to his family about their engagement, however his reason had been more related to the fact that he did not want to be swamped by their congratulations or immediate demands that he start making wedding plans before he was fully restored to health, and it was something Theodosia had consented to. Philip, on the other hand, was completely oblivious to the fact that her Father had yet to discover that he was due to acquire a new son, not because Theo took any pleasure whatsoever in hiding the truth from him, in fact it was quite the opposite: It tortured her to pretend that everything regarding the wedding was going without a hitch when she was in fact as good as sure that the discovery would in fact cause huge distress to Aaron Burr, but she hated to burden him with her concerns about future violence, and resolved to do all she could to keep the truth of the animosity which continued to grow between the two politicians hidden from him. Each time she wavered, she strictly reminded herself, the last thing Philip needs is to have additional problems distracting him from his recovery, especially when those problems revolve around the distinct possibility of his Father engaging in the sort of conflict from which he himself has scarcely escaped with his life. And so, she kept smiling and visiting, biding her time to reveal the truth to Aaron Burr until after she eventually convinced him to set his rivalry with Hamilton aside.
Only, that had yet to occur, and there was no indication that he would change his supposedly impressionable opinions towards the man any time soon.
It was Spring when the doctor deemed the young man well enough to move without human accompaniment - though Philip still had to use a pair of bulky crutches to hobble around. Even so, on the very first day he was permitted to do so, he wrote to Theodosia the moment he awoke that morning to insist she should not visit him, and proceeded to make his way laboriously to her home.
A short but timely journey was made longer by a detour en route, to stop at a jewellers and purchase an engagement ring for the bewitching woman. Philip settled for a diamond which seemed to be lit up from within, refracting trial of rainbows into the atmosphere and glimmering majestically in the cool sunlight. It was perhaps the brightest jewel he had ever laid eyes upon, however it did not compare to the sparkling delight in Theo's eyes the moment she caught sight of it, or more specifically, the man who held the elegant gem set in a gleaming gold band.
Philip had shifted awkwardly onto one knee and revealed the piece to Theodosia the moment she opened the door, in an attempt to make official the gesture he had first performed lying in bed and smiling through the discomfort of his pain and a slight haze enforced by the drugs. This time, he knew what the answer was going to be, and grinned up at her expectantly as he excused his dramatic behaviour, "I know I already asked you, but I always imagined I'd be down on one knee when it happened. Well, Miss Burr, will you marry me?"
She rolled her eyes, though her feigned scepticism could not mask the exuberance she felt at seeing him independent and mostly mobile. She indulged his playful game as she pretended to consider the offer, musing, "Perhaps I should refuse someone who takes such egotistical pleasure in hearing me say yes on multiple occasions." He raised a quizzical brow which sent her heart fluttering enough that she could not bring herself to tease him anymore. Placing her hand in his and allowing him to slip the ring onto her finger, she agreed, "Yes, I will marry you. As you already know, Mr Hamilton," she added, with a hint of accusation in her words.
Philip shrugged nonchalantly, utterly free from guilt as he asked, "Is it such a terrible crime that I adore hearing you say those words?"
Theodosia grinned, releasing the full extent of her affection for the young man in that expression alone. She knelt down in front of him to peck his lips sweetly, before drawing away and leaving him with a dazed look of awe in his gaze and a longing for more than one swift kiss from the enchanting woman who now wore his ring. Warmly, and with just a hint of suggestion tugging her lips into a flirtatious smirk, she invited, "Would you like to come in?"
"Very much, only..." Philip hesitated, slightly embarrassed to admit, "I think I'll need your assistance to stand again."
With a bemused chuckle, Theo returned to crouch down to his level before fixing his waist in a firm grip and placing one of his arms over her so that she could manage his weight on her deceptively strong shoulders, hauling him to his feet and quickly returning his crutches to his hands before he toppled over on legs which had become accustomed to laying in bed all day as opposed to wandering through the city and kneeling down to repeat a proposal.
A heartfelt glimmer of adoration and gratitude lighting his face, Philip took Theodosia by the waist and murmured softly, "Thank you. I think you are without a doubt the most unique of women, and it is a blessing to be able to spend a lifetime in your company."
Theo giggled coquettishly and reached up to tangle her hands in the young man's dark curls, gazing deep into his luminous eyes as she replied, "We are both incredibly lucky. And now, if it's not too much trouble, I should appreciate the chance to express my love for my dear fiancee inside, away from any potentially prying eyes who intend to scorn us for the abundance of our affection." Or alert my clueless Father of exactly how familiar I am becoming with the lips of his rival's son.
Unaware of her second motive, Philip nodded, silently following her as she led him by the hand to the room of the house he was most familiar with: the piano room had been the place he'd first bonded with Theo, and it seemed wonderfully appropriate to return there together since they had promised themselves to one another, especially since the young woman now bore a physical symbol of their binding love.
They came to sit on the piano stool, barely managing to fit on beside each other but both instinctively being willingly blind to that fact without so much as exchanging a glance to agree that they would both be staying exactly where they were; to move would be to place additional distance between them, and that was deemed completely unnecessary by the besotted young couple. Instead, they began to play, pressing the keys with relative disinterest compared to the attention both paid to one another, barely sparing a glance for the piano yet somehow crafting an effortlessly beautiful melody inspired by the sight of unrivalled wonder before them. As the music soared and enveloped them in comforting feelings of shared adoration, their hands drew gradually closer, and when Philip brought his hands to rest on Theodosia's, the music stopped abruptly as she indulged in a luxuriant kiss, longer and deeper and more passionate than the one on the doorstep. When they pulled slowly apart, their hands did not do the same, and they remained peacefully in that position, even after several months both unable to comprehend the delirious enjoyment that came from their relationship and so perfectly satisfied to gaze in wonder at the reflection of their own facial expression.
That is, until Aaron Burr, drawn by the sound of his daughter's piano playing followed by the unwelcome realisation that there was more than one pianist, interrupted the romantic scene, causing Theo to immediately snatch her hands away and return them to her lap before Burr could witness the revealing sign indicative of something much more than simply innocent, platonic admiration, or the incriminating ring which would have confirmed it.
Though Philip was confused, his attention was quickly stolen by the newcomer, who fixed him with a steely glare and a wide smile as he greeted tersely, "Philip Hamilton. It has been a long time since your last visit." And by far not long enough. I might have dared to hope that your injury opened my poor girl's eyes to the danger which follows your family like a curse.
"Far too long, Sir," Philip replied mildly. "But I suppose you can be expecting to see much more of me, given the recent developments," he pointed out, referring to his engagement, unbeknownst to the host.
Burr, however, assumed he alluded only to his regained ability to walk, and commented, "At the very least, I should think that leg of yours will prevent you from scaling my wall, regardless of your ability to make your way to our home." A warning laid beneath those words, if you do not comply, you will see the consequences.
But seeing no reason to come to conflict, Philip reminded Burr, "I see no reason I would even need to. I can proudly use the front door, without any concerns about how honourable it may be perceived to be." At long last, that old fear of being judged and branded a scoundrel who chases a beautiful young woman with no intention of marrying her can be set aside, he realized as he spoke the words, causing a genuine smile to appear on his face to counter Burr's forced one.
Does he honestly believe that engaging in a duel has earned him such a reputation that he is above judgment, or has defying death made him suddenly more arrogant? Burr pondered, amused by what seemed to be childish naivety. Nevertheless, he was tiring of the conversation, so only nodded, "Yes, quite," and excused himself, disappearing again from the room and still wondering at the forward attitude the young man had displayed.
His exit left Theo exposed to Philip's questions; he turned his full attention to her, reclaiming custody of her hands as he enquired, "Why did you stop him from seeing us holding hands? I know it might become a little bit tense, but it's something he'll simply have to get used to. I mean, what does he expect to happen at our wedding?" His words had been affectionate and gentle, but he realized that she would not meet his eyes at the mention of their wedding, causing him significant alarm as he demanded, "Theo, what has happened?" A trace of paranoia clouding his judgment at the prospect of anything interrupting their planned union, he jumped to the false conclusion, "He has protested to our marriage, has he not? If he has said that we are not able to be wed, I would have expected him to have the decency to tell me so himself. I can convince him, if that's the issue here," he insisted, beginning to rise to his feet before Theodosia pulled him back to sit down.
Voice devoid of emotion as she braced herself to admit the truth, she cut him off sharply, "That is not the issue. My Father has said nothing whatsoever regarding our wedding, because I have not told him of our plans." Instantly, hurt puzzlement flooded Philip's expression, causing her chest to ache as she tried to excuse her hesitation, "I didn't know how to tell him. I know it's exciting, but I also know he wouldn't see it that way." Instead, he'd see it as another misguided reason to set out to harm your beloved Father.
Confusion gradually being replaced with disappointed comprehension, there was a hint of irritation in his words as he asked, "Out of interest, when were you planning on telling him, if at all? Or was this going to be a guilty secret of yours which you would only reveal once it was too late for him to protest and make you feel bad? When would it come out - would we elope, would we have to move in together, have a child, even, before you decided you could bare the shame of marrying me?" I see all of that in our future, love. But not if you have any reservations about it.
"Don't be ridiculous, I'm not ashamed," Theo insisted, made fierce in her determination to justify her reticence, "I am simply reluctant to break my Father's heart with the information that I am intending to become a Hamilton." Philip flinched, and Theodosia immediately tried to amend her words, but they had already inflicted a fatal wound to her proud lover.
"Because it is so dreadfully terrible to be one of my family, and you can't stand to disappoint the man. I see." He stood, struggling slightly with his crutches but not daring to ask for assistance this time. He looked down at her, frustration and disbelief fighting for dominance in his gaze as he muttered, "Of all the people to judge my family, I would not have thought you were one of them. You've known me for years, and yet clearly I have not done enough in that time to demonstrate how honourable and respectable the Hamiltons can be. I mean, if I had, if you truly believed that I was worthy of marrying you, I know you'd simply explain to Burr that regardless of his mythical opinions, my Father has done a great deal for this country, and that I aspire to follow in his footsteps. If you loved me like I love you, I know you would be as proud to join our ranks as I would be for you to do so." A knife of incorrect realisation struck him in the gut as he clarified, "That's simply not how you feel, is it?"
Theodosia tossed her head back, sighing in annoyance as she attempted to ignore the growing ominous feeling that her world was about to shatter, and pointed out, "It's not as simple as loving one another - don't you see the complications this will cause between our families? Is it any wonder I've been afraid to tell Daddy, and not because I don't think you are a suitable husband, but because I know he will disagree?" She stood, voice raising in tandem with her as she stared almost aggressively into his face. She longed to scream, how can you be so blind to the fact that the slightest new disturbance could have such awful consequences? But she managed to restrain her sharp tongue.
Almost silent by comparison, Philip couldn't stand to look at her, dropping his gaze to the ground as he murmured, "If you were scared, you could have told me. I thought we agreed long ago to combat our struggles together, after all. But instead, you decided to pretend everything was fine. Is it that you don't trust me, in that case? Or are you too much your Father's daughter to ever truly allow me inside your heart?" The pride from dodging death had yet to fade, and allowed irrational, uncharacteristic responses to leave his lips.
"Philip, please," she soothed, thought her words were tinged with genuine fear that setting a single foot wrong could send her relationship tumbling away from her fingertips too quickly to salvage. She set a hand on his shoulder, attempting in vain to mend his damaged ego with her gentle touch and calming words. "It is not your fault. I adore you, and I trust you with my life. It is not my own doubts which make me anxious, it is those of my Father's towards yours." Towards you, too, as he and I can already see Alexander Hamilton in you. God, I know he is set on facing Mr Hamilton with a weapon in his hand, but if he turned on you, too... She shuddered involuntarily at the intolerable idea of the two people she loved most resorting to mindless bloodshed. She continued to appease him, "I know you are a good man, and I know he is, too. But you cannot honestly be surprised that I suspect my Father would be less than delighted at hearing of our wedding plans."
"Oh yes, obviously, because it's so blatantly apparent that my Father has done things to earn Aaron Burr's disdain. Such as, for example, writing his way off of a squalid island on the strength of his determination and talent alone, assisting Washington throughout the duration of the revolutionary war, establishing a national bank to share wealth from the most lucrative areas with the struggling places, generating a sustainable debt plan to raise the country from financial ruin, serving honest legal cases and prosecuting dangerous criminals, and having the courage to be brutally honest with the entire country even when his own reputation is damaged in the process of enlightening them, to name a few things, right?" He suggested sarcastically, highly dubious of her justifications.
"Philip, don't be facetious," she warned, "you know how much I despise the conflict between them, and the very last thing I want is for that to be replicated in -" or triggered by "- our relationship." Even when her irritation at the stubborn, immovable self importance seemed to grow exponentially, so too did her concern that he would not back down from his disillusioned position of pride.
Still unshakably strong willed, he shook his head, a sneer disguising his palpable sadness as he retorted, "What relationship? How can we possibly be together if you are so certain that our families can not be united in peace that you do not even want to tell Burr about your engagement?" He shrugged her hand from his shoulder, feeling suddenly trapped by the stifling touch of a woman he was now afraid was unattainable.
"Please, don't be rash," Theo wisely reminded him, forseeing in that moment an upcoming heartbreak which might never be undone.
Her plea was made in vain, however, as Philip raised his voice to passionately insist, "I will not regret saying the truth which must be spoken, and that is this: I see you hesitating to tell Burr because you and him alike suspect I will become some sort of deceptive, reckless disaster of a man, which is exactly how Burr perceives my Father. But I will not labour under any false pretence, so I am telling you now that I fully intend to be as great a man as Alexander Hamilton, but I am not foolish enough to repeat his mistakes. I am well aware of his many faults, but I stand by my belief that Alexander Hamilton -"
"- Is an arrogant, aggressive, impulsive man, and I refuse to listen to you singing his praises in my house. Philip, I know you worship the man in an infantile fashion, but you must respect the fact that he is very much anathema to me, and listening to you rambling ceaselessly with such ardent admiration for him is hugely disagreeable to a man attempting valiantly to work," Aaron Burr interjected sharply, drawn back to the room against his wishes by the raised voices. Fortunately for the more secretive of the bickering pair, the only distinct words he had recognized had been the name of his nemesis, leading him to draw the conclusion that the young man had began to defend Hamilton's honour, losing all reservations as he did so.
Philip turned to face Burr, a grin as forced and empty as if it had come from the man he spoke to, and replied, "I won't be troubling you with my family loyalty any longer. If you are both convinced that bearing the Hamilton name is such a burden, I will not inconvenience you with sharing that cumbersome load." Turning to Theodosia with enormous pain radiating from his gaze and ruining the facade of indifference, he murmured, "It is not fair to either of us to continue along the path we dreamed of if you consider my surname to be a curse. I will not force you to sacrifice your own respectable reputation in exchange for mine. Our wedding..." He winced at the word, but steadied himself sufficiently to continue despite the pain causing his heart and words to tremble, "There will be no wedding. I will not pester you again. Goodbye, Miss Burr."
He beat as swift an exit as his crutches would enable, unchallenged by a thoroughly confused Aaron Burr and a former fiancee who was left too stunned to so much as cry out the protests her mind was rapidly constructing. It was only when she heard the front door close that she felt her legs buckle beneath her, entirely drained of energy, and she crumpled to the floor, shaking and sobbing as she mourned what she had lost. She had felt that kind of despair fairly recently, when she had feared her love was practically lost. Now that was the case again, though this time it was the fault of as wound to the young man's pride rather than his body.
Still completely failing to comprehend the sudden twist of events, Burr quickly dropped to the ground beside her, kneeling as he encased her in an embrace of unconditional love, rubbing a hand over her back and humming wordless comforts until she could manage to meet his curious gaze. As soon as he saw those pools of despair that formed her tortured eyes, he felt compelled to to ask, "My dear Theodosia, what on earth has happened?"
She shook her head, face contorting wildly as she attempted to put a stop to her tears, and moaned in a mournful wail without any of her previous reluctance to confide in the man, "I was meant to marry him. But I couldn't tell you because I was terrified of breaking your heart and giving you an even greater reason to hate that family, and he interpreted that to mean I was ashamed of him. I wasn't, Daddy, I wanted to be with him, because I love him... But I was scared, and now that has torn us apart." Her voice cracked with emotion, and she could not tolerate seeing the world any longer if she was destined to continue through life without her love. So she simply hid her face in her Father's jacket and cried an endless stream of tears, soaking the fabric after a time and stopping only when she became too exhausted from her exertion to remain awake.
At a loss for what to do, Burr held her all the while, finally scooping the suddenly frail young woman into his arms when her sobs subsided into gentle snores, carrying her to her bedroom and placing her in her bed, tucking a blanket around her as he had done in her childhood. Now, however, it seemed that the problem she had encountered was not the sort that could be corrected with a tender kiss on the cheek, though that did not prevent him from resurrecting the old panacea. As he left her dozing, one thought emerged above the cacophonous confusion lingering in his mind:
The foolish pride of the Hamiltons has hurt my family for the last time.
A/N: Oh no oh no oh no... Well, I invite you to take up your discarded fish and act as you see fit. I kinda asked for it! :s But stay tuned!