Disclaimer: I own nothing but the ideas that comes from the books...

A/N: Bigger surprise than yesterday!

Hello new chapter ;) Thank you for the response, I'm glad you were all shocked by what went down and I hope you continue to like what's about to unravel... Enjoy my lovelies! But beware of the contents to this here chapter...

My Own Fifty Shades – Chapter Twenty

"Don't touch me," Ana stopped him as he reached out for her. "Please."

"We need to get you undressed, Ana," He told her, seeing as she was still in blood covered clothing. There was no time between settling her down and getting her out of that apartment as police took over to get her cleansed.

Ana shook her head at him, "I will." She told him and then just walked away from him as she headed to the shower, opened the door and turned the water on. "I'll call you when I'm done." She turned back to him, allowing the water to gain temperature, "I just need some alone time."

"Okay," Christian told her understandingly, shadowing his hurt and began to leave. "I'll be back in a bit."

"Okay," She spoke up timidly, scratching at her skin a little. She was still utterly disgusted in herself for what she had done, but she didn't need someone breathing down her neck. Hell, the idea of being touched was something that she just couldn't allow right now.

She watched him go and felt her lip begin to quiver, her vision swirling together with her tears. How was she ever supposed to be okay again after today?

Before, Ana could see a way out of the dark. She could fight her inner demons, but now everything changed. Her mental dynamics had been morphed by her killer feat of Stephen. She was a murderer and that was the bottom line. She had killed him with all of the desperate anger that resided within her. She had been powered by hatred and aggression and hadn't stopped for a moment to gain clarity. Ana had acted out and now with Christian and Elena close by, she kept remembering that.

She stepped under the shower with the full intention to strip, but instead just stood fully clothed under the warm rain of water. She had no prior thoughts, no clever actions, but the sudden need to wash a demon's blood away. She had to wash Stephen's monstrous blood away, but the moment she stood beneath the shower of water, Ana froze, struck with memories – and not just from her time with Stephen.

Ana just didn't move.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- My Own Fifty Shades -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Having not heard from her, Christian got up and headed to the bathroom. He hated to know his home was now a crime scene and that Ana was being more introverted than ever. She barely let anyone hold her and now she was doing God knew what in the shower.

What he found set every nerve ending on fire.

Christian watched her standing in the shower, her head bent down so the water just continually bounced off of the crown of her head, her hands hanging limply down by her side and shaking a little. If he had to admit it, she was resembling someone that had seemingly been possessed.

He could quite clearly guess she was. Only she wasn't possessed by a demon brought up from hell but by her memories and her guilt and regret of what had transcended in Escala. Stephen was her hell brought monster and even now – post life –he was still haunting her.

When she didn't even acknowledge his call to her Christian took matters into his own hands and went to the shower. He stripped down to his boxers and opened the shower; he stepped in behind her and finally took the cardigan off of her. All she did was turn to face him as the first piece of clothing was gone. Finally she let him touch, allowed him to undress her soaking clothes and wash her body of every splatter of blood, of dirtied memories, of anything that would cast flashbacks of the attack. She allowed him to now hold onto her as she broke down into the tears that she had kept locked along her lashes and she allowed herself to start washing some of her guilt away.

Christian made sure there was no spec of blood anywhere on Ana by the end of the shower. He didn't let her leave until he had inspected every inch of her even down to her fingernails just in case the crimson had crawled and imbedded beneath her finger nails. He noticed she scratched at herself even after they had left the bathroom and he wondered how long she would continue to feel dirty.

"Any more news on Ryan?" She asked him, looking at him and she let her shoulders fall as Christian shook his head. Instead of carrying on the conversation, she headed off to the overnight bag that had been brought with them and searched through the clothes. Finding sweats and a hoodie, Ana quickly hid her body under bagginess hoping to make herself not look quite so fragile.

"He'll be okay," Christian commented and received no answer, just Ana turning to look at him.

It seemed like the evening was passing in such a way. Everyone barely spoke, the shock was too heavy and Christian just remembered what brought them to this point.

Ryan was in the hospital with a severe concussion after taking several hits to the head, each practically smashing his skull in. No one knew he was in the cupboard until Ana ran for the door opening it to reveal he's unconscious blood covered body.

That was it for Christian; he left Taylor to deal with the problems and knew that Ana needed to get cleaned up. He hated seeing this amount of blood, but seeing Ana smothered he knew he had to get her out and arrange for police questioning to happen later.

Since then he had dealt with copious calls, watched his family gather at his parents' place and watched Carla and Ray worry about their daughter's state of mind. They had even gone as far as to request Flynn's attention on this, especially with the police's imminent arrival.

However, he hoped later would be never, but it seemed to the police were waiting on Ana to be ready.

"Erm, there's a few officers downstairs that want to question everyone," Christian admitted to her shyly, gauging her reaction. As he had predicted she stiffened at what was going to happen and he knew he had to soothe her. "Don't worry, there's video footage of it all. He was trying to kill Elena and you stopped him."

"Plus there's the tapes from," She swallowed, "When he raped me."

"Exactly," He nodded at her, "My father won't let you go down for this, Ana. Nor will I. Davis broke in and held you hostage, he could have killed you. You did what you had to do in that room."

"I still killed a man," Ana mentioned and looked him in the eyes. "However we dress this up, Stephen Davis was still someone's son and I took his life. There are people out there that will mourn his death."

"Shh, he had this coming to him," Christian soothed, after all, had she not killed him then Christian or one of the security staff would have.

"But I didn't want to be the one that had to do it," Ana retorted miserably and felt her resolve disappearing again. "I don't even remember it. I blacked out. I flipped; I don't remember anything until you pulled him off me, Christian. I didn't know what I had done until I had done it."

Christian could see she was becoming frantic and as much as he wanted to help her, he knew that neither of them would survive a second complete retelling. "Come," He commented and headed for the door. "The sooner this is over the sooner we can get you some sleep. You look exhausted."

Ana merely nodded her response. After all, she didn't want to relive the moments as she spoke, she wanted to speak it and get over it. Hopefully to never have to do a retelling of this awful day again.

As she followed him, Ana felt her eyes water. Before her was the man that loved her, that she loved, but she had no love for herself and that scared her. She hated how shadowed life felt, how scared she was of her own actions. Ana knew she had to make a change.

Except she had already thought this through and she had already made a life changing decision.

Made a decision based on her own fifty shades of fucked up-ness.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- My Own Fifty Shades -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

It took another two days for the reality of everything to take over. When the news of Ana not being charged with manslaughter came to light, Ana seemed to feel guiltier. To her she had taken a life and that did the job for her, which meant more to her than her cleared name.

"He was going to kill you," Elena tried to reason with her. "He was going to kill us both in there, Anastasia. You saved my life in there and I won't ever be able to tell you how thankful I am for that."

"I know," Ana murmured softly.

"You can talk to me," Elena remarked once again and Ana nodded. "When you're ready." Elena didn't push, after all she might not have been the one to kill Stephen Davis, but watching it happen made a real dent in Elena's own dominant interior.

"Thanks," She spoke back and looked to her hands.

"Actually can we talk?" Christian asked suddenly before he got up. "Alone?" He watched her nod and just put his hand out for her to take; she trusted him and allowed him to pull her up from her set on the couch. Taking her into the bedroom, Christian stilled her before him, "Talk to me. Let me in, Ana. I need some inclusion here because I can't lose you. I need to know what's going on in your head, Baby. I can't deal with you bottling all this shit up."

Ana looked up, "I feel dead inside." She took a deep breath and tried to steady herself, "I can't get past the other night right now and I need time to come to terms with it all."

"We'll get Flynn," He told her and then nodded, "Actually I'll ring him now. We'll get the ball rolling. We'll get you talking this out to a professional and you'll be okay." He went to leave, thinking that it was for the best that he was doing this. He assumed that forcing Ana to talk would help her the most.

"Christian," Ana breathed out almost inaudibly as she grabbed his hand. "I think I know what I need to do to get better. To come to terms with everything I'm now feeling and it's not talking to Flynn."

"What?" He asked her, almost unbearably so he didn't have to hear what her response was. He knew it wasn't going to be good news.

"I think I need to leave," Ana told him truthfully. "I think I just need to detach myself from this to be able to get over what's happened." She saw his face morph, the anger lacing through every feature, the disagreement marring his eyes and she had to fight this, "I think we need some time apart," she whispered. "To see if you really need me anymore."

"I don't think we need time apart," He responded with a clear head shake. "I think you're just running. Here I can care for you and get you all the help you need. I will do it, Ana. I will see that you get the right help."

"Maybe that's what's wrong. I am so smothered here that I can barely breathe. How can I sort my head out when everyone is pulling here and there and making sure I'm not on my own? I need to be left alone to heal myself. It's what I was always good at before I met you and I want to be the Ana you met, but with everyone here, I can't."

"No!" He bellowed suddenly, his voice a roar at her. "I fucking lost you and I won't let it fucking happen again! You're the only woman I could love. I saw a future with you, Ana, and now you want to leave me. No, I won't have it!" He looked to her, like the lost child he had been when Grace found him, "Don't you love me?"

Ana felt her heart constrict in her chest, "Oh, Christian, I've only ever loved you and I always will." She stepped in close to him, but he stepped back, "This is not an easy decision to make."

"Then why make it?" He asked her with a sharp tone. "Why the fuck instigate it?"

"Because right now, between us, it's not healthy, it's not normal. I can't bare anyone to touch me now, Christian. I don't sleep all through the night, I can't make myself feel clean and I can't be what you want me to be."

"I just want you to be Ana," He told her closing the gap this time. "That's all. I just want you to be you, Anastasia."

"Who am I though?" Ana asked him sorrowfully. "I don't even know anymore. I want to make a fresh start, I can't find me when you look at me like I'm a disappointment and I know you don't mean it, Christian, but it's the truth. I got lost and I did damage. I need time to heal, you need time to heal. Everyone needs time to get over this," Ana continued with her triad, not caring for the pain it caused her. "It's time we did that how we need to," She finished and sniffled a little, wiping at her tears.

"Fine," He whispered and looked to her and he could see the certainty. "But I do not like this decision. I fucking hate it."

"I know," She replied, "God, do I know."

"How will you ever come back to me?" Christian asked, still that lost boy.

"Simple," She started the idea, "Fate, Baby," Ana told him solemnly, the tears running down her face. "If we're meant to be it'll happen." She forced a small smile to him, "I don't know when, but if it's true love we have then it'll be true love that brings us back together."

"What happens if you don't want to come back?" He asked her miserably. "I always knew I wasn't enough to have true love. What if you decide that you wasted time on me? I know you'll never come back if you leave."

"Oh, Christian," She gasped at him, her eyes trying to meet his, "You'll be my main reason for getting better. You'll be my main inspiration for getting back to some form of me. Don't ever doubt that," She tried to convince him, and as she moved in and place a hand to his chest she spoke her truest words, "I want to marry you some day, Christian Grey."

As he looked at her, he let the pain in his chest win over his rationality, "Maybe now, but in a few weeks, you won't even remember me." He then took her hand off of his chest and left the room, leaving her behind.

Ana sunk onto the bed and cried, how did she forget the man that was in her veins?

I'll only ever remember you.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- My Own Fifty Shades -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Kate asked, holding her best friends hands, willing her to stay with her eyes. "I'm going to miss you." Since hearing the news she had racked her brain for how to stop Ana from leaving, everyone had, but it would appear that staying here was killing Ana.

"I need to go," Ana whispered to her best friend. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologise," Kate said and gave her another hug. "I only ever wanted what is right for you, Steele, and if this is it then I will be waiting for you whenever you're ready."

"I know," Ana breathed as she knew her best friend would always be there for her regardless.

"My turn," Elliot enthused and looked to Ana, almost giving her a puppy dog stare. "I'll miss you, little lady," Elliot said and pulled Ana into his arms. "Come back soon."

"I promise," Ana gasped, knowing she was leaving a brother she never had, but had gained. Deciding to work through everyone quicker than anticipated, Ana moved onto Mia. Each new person was making it harder to leave, so all Ana did was hasten this terrible time.

"I'll be back," Ana tried to optimise and then hugged Mia tightly, weary of her own injuries.

"Don't go," Mia begged in a soft cry. "Please don't leave, Ana."

"I have to," Ana whispered back, controlling her cries. "This is for the best." She pulled back and latched onto Ethan, "Look after my girls okay? It's up to you now I'm not here."

"Count it done, Steele," He replied as he fell back from the hug. He watched her nod in appreciation, "Just look after yourself. We'll be here whenever you need us."

She looked to Taylor who stepped in and took her in his arms, wishing her well. The same went for Gail and Ana felt her resolve weaken furthermore. All of these people loved her and wanted her to stay here. They wanted her to remain a part of the family and here she was running. She took a deep breath, glad that Sawyer was monitoring the journey home in regards to Christian's orders and so she could have some time before that goodbye.

Ana was faced with Carrick and Grace, both looking on as if they were losing a child. Both embraced the fragile framed woman and let her go with their best wishes.

"Look after those cuts," Grace warned. "They'll heal faster if you keep them clean."

"I will make sure they're cared for," Carla stepped in with a smile, knowing she just wanted to look after her daughter now. Look after her broken heart, her broken spirit and her broken body. She wanted to be a mother to her daughter again whilst she built herself up.

"I know you'll be well looked after, Ana, but I'll miss you," Grace commented with a watery smile. "Come back to visit soon."

Ana took Grace into her arms, shielding her from Christian's watchful gaze and she whispered to the woman that loved her like her own, "Please, Grace," She tried to control her cries, "Take care of him for me. His still that lost boy you bought home, he needs someone to catch him now I'm neglecting him."

Grace release Ana and smiled heavily, resisting her own tears, "You know I will. I will until you're ready to come back and let him catch you."

"Thank you," Ana gasped and smiled appreciatively. Quickly, Ana turned to move on before the tears fell heavily, now was her hardest feat. Faced with Christian, Ana's heart jumped up into her throat, thrashing with each new beat. "I guess this is goodbye."

Christian's grey eyes said it all; he didn't need words to express his heart ache. "Take this," He said and issued her with the engagement ring he had kept on him. "I know you'll come back to me if you take that."

"Don't," Ana spoke with a warning tone. After all, money held no light to the love in her heart. It wouldn't be a ring that brought her back, but more her heart. "Don't do this, Christian."

"You said you'd come back," He told her and Ana nodded, "Then take it." He pushed the large rocked engagement ring into his hand and closed her hand around, he then bent down and kissed her forehead.

Pulling back, Ana spoke up with an unsteady tone, "Can we go?" She asked her parents and they responded instantly. She needed an escape before she changed her mind and just stayed here. She looked to Christian, "I'm so sorry for everything. I love you," She told him and he released her entirely. She waited a moment to see if he would speak, but he didn't and so she fled with after another quick round of emotional goodbyes.

Christian said nothing as she left and that hurt more than anything else.

As he watched her go, he realised that this wasn't the goodbye he wanted to be left with. He had just let her go, probably allowing her to think that this was the end of the line when in reality, Christian had a whole lot of fight left in him.

Christian ran down to the elevator, begging it to be there waiting. When he saw it clicking through the floors on its way down he could do nothing but bolt for the stairs. He didn't care how long it took; all he knew was that he would be down there before she could leave.

"Ana!" He bellowed as he broke free of the stairwell and saw her stop as she reached for the door handle. He ran to her, "Don't go. This isn't what you want. This isn't what you need either." He grabbed her, spinning her away from the door.

"Let me go," Ana sobbed as he tried to stop her from leaving. "I love you Christian, but I don't love myself anymore. How can I be everything you want when I'm nothing to myself?" She put her hand to his face, feeling his tears beneath her palm, "If we're meant to be, we'll be."

"But we're meant to be together now," Christian fought with her. "Look what we've been through, Ana. Look what we've both survived. We made it back to each other," He thought his emotional reserve to remain controlled and he said this. "I lost you twice already, but got you back, don't make it a third time."

"I need to do this," Ana told him, not caring for the falling tears. "If there's ever any hope for us, Christian."

"Please," Christian gasped breathlessly at her.

"Just let me go," Ana whispered to him, her eyes never leaving his, her heart forever breaking.

He couldn't win this. He had to let her go. "I'll always love you," Christian whispered back and let her go, both crying at the moment upon them.

Ana reached up and kissed him, "That's all I ask." She broke the connection first, leaving him to flee whether for the right or wrong reason unknown.

Christian watched her get into the car as Ray started the engine. He saw her look up to him, placing her hand to the glass as the car reversed out of the parking spot and drove away. His legs went weak as his heart slowed.

He had to trust fate.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- My Own Fifty Shades -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The End

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- My Own Fifty Shades -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A/N: I know it says the end, but there's a sequel ;) Hang in tight people!

See you in the sequel called "A Heart Worth Fifty Shades".