Author's Note: So... we've done the 'stuck in a closet together' cliche and the 'food dosed with alien sex pollen' cliche. What next?
Read on and find out!
(The Doctor really does like to put his foot in it. What will Buffy do now?)
Part III
.
The Doctor was running around the chemistry lab, doing all sorts of super-sciencey things that Buffy didn't really know about. But he kept yanking stuff out of his pockets that wound up being exactly what he needed, and then mixing it in with things he'd found at the lab.
"Aha!" he said, after letting the substance boil beneath a Bunsen burner. He took a pipette out and put a drop onto his tongue. He winced. "Ooh! Hot!"
"Uh, yeah, it's boiling," said Buffy.
"Still!" said the Doctor, as he carefully separated the mixture into two little cups he had in his pockets. "Tastes about right! Should do the trick!" The Doctor ran forwards, and handed the cups to the two kids. They seemed wary, and for a moment, Buffy thought they wouldn't drink it, but they clearly figured they had nothing to lose.
So they both downed the mixture in one chug.
"Ew!" shouted Annie, thrusting away the empty cup. "That's gross!"
But the energy with which she'd thrust away the cup spoke volumes as to the substance's effectiveness.
"I don't think I like you guys," said Fred, with a pout, edging away from Buffy.
Buffy looked back at the Doctor. "That worked fast."
The Doctor grinned at her. "Very clever. Told you."
A crash of breaking glass around them, and all of a sudden, the room they were in was swarming with black-suited army commandos with guns all leveled at the four people in the center of the room.
Buffy turned to the Doctor. "Why couldn't you just get attacked by demons and vampires like normal people? Why is it always army guys with guns?"
"Special talent of mine," the Doctor said.
"Scan them!" one of the army guys shouted.
A number of soldiers raised up funny-looking bleepy devices. The Doctor raised an eyebrow at the devices.
"Now, that's definitely wrong," he said.
"Alien?" Buffy guessed.
"Human," the Doctor corrected. "From Earth, actually. Logo's from a very popular manufacturer in the distant future. But they certainly shouldn't be here."
The devices pinged, and the soldiers examined them.
"The children and the woman are human," the soldiers reported. "The man is not."
Immediately, all guns raised and pointed at the group.
"You are under arrest," said the one that Buffy assumed to be the head army guy, "for heresy, trespass, and the harboring of fugitives." He nodded at the others. "Take the children."
The children hugged one another, their eyes wide and terrified.
"Wait! Wait!" said the Doctor. "I think there's been a bit of a misunderstanding. I'm the Doctor, this is Elizabeth, and those are Annie and Fred. We were just strolling about, minding our own business, when suddenly, we found ourselves in… mmph!"
This last sound almost certainly being caused by the gag that the Doctor was now, inevitably, wearing.
Buffy glanced over her shoulder, and — sure enough — the Doctor had been gagged. He'd also been restrained by a myriad of army guys and wrestled away from whatever clever thing he'd been doing with the Bunsen burner.
And if Buffy had any idea what clever thing that was, maybe she could have finished up his work and done it for him. But no time for that, now, because now Buffy could see army guys rushing in to grab Annie and Fred, and she knew that this was serious sword-time.
She yanked it out of the picnic basket, and flipped herself in between Annie and Fred, and the soldiers intent on capturing them.
She used the sword to flick three guns out of the soldiers' hands, then kicked another back while elbowing a guard beside Annie in the stomach.
She then launched into full-scale Slayer fight mode, and the interesting thing was that… she wasn't being shot down. She'd expected them to open fire on her as soon as she started attacking them, but apparently, they weren't prepared to do so.
Why?
She managed to kick open enough space in the soldiers that the kids could go free. "Go!" she shouted at them.
The kids didn't have to be told twice. They turned, and ran.
A small subset of soldiers raced after the kids, but once the children had disappeared, Buffy heard the safety clicking off on all the guns surrounding her. She turned back.
"Oh," she said. "You… didn't want to hit the kids."
"We would never shoot children," said one of the soldiers, looking at her as if she were insane. "What do you take us for?"
"Besides, we don't kill humans," another soldier added, defiantly. "We aren't villains."
The other soldiers all muttered their confirmation.
"We seek to defend our city from the nonhuman monsters," said a third soldier. "Even the ones who walk amongst us, hiding beneath our form."
That was when Buffy noticed that all the guns were leveled, not at her, but at the Doctor. And it looked like they were getting ready to shoot.
"No, wait!" shouted Buffy, racing forwards to put herself in between the guns and the Doctor. "He's… he's not the bad kind of alien. He's the good kind of alien."
"All nonhumans are trespassers," a soldier informed Buffy. "They are to be shot on sight."
"But not this one!" said Buffy. "He's a good guy. Really! You keep him alive, and he'll do good stuff. Promise!"
The soldiers hesitated. "Is he… with you?"
"Yes!" Buffy said. "That's right! He's with me. And you're not going to kill me, right? Because I'm human."
The soldiers considered. Then the head soldier seemed to come to a decision. "We will take them to our Lord High Priest. The nonhuman will be judged and either executed or pardoned accordingly."
Buffy had to confess, she was a little disappointed to realize that the Lord High Priest actually really was a human, and not a demon hiding beneath a mask or something. She was kind of expecting something like that. But, nope. Slayer senses said he was human, and Buffy was sticking with that.
"The woman — Elizabeth — is a warrior of the first class," the soldiers were explaining to the Lord High Priest. "She claims the inhuman heathen is hers."
"Does she, now?" asked the Lord High Priest, looking Buffy over with curiosity shining through him.
"They were found to be harboring two fugitives, your all exultant Lordship," another soldier told the Lord High Priest. "The woman took down our finest soldiers to aid their escape."
"Oh, that hardly matters," said the Lord High Priest. "So long as they aren't harmed, we'll get them later." He hesitated, looking at the soldiers nearby. "You didn't harm them, did you?"
"No, Lord High Priest!" said the soldiers.
The Lord High Priest smiled. "Good." He descended from his throne and walked towards Buffy, appraising her. "So you're a great warrior."
"I prefer the term 'Slayer'," said Buffy. "I'm not a gun-for-hire. I don't kill humans, I don't work for tyrants, and I only fight against the forces of darkness."
"Ah! So she's a hero!" said the Lord High Priest, a delighted smile on his face. "We love heroes, here. We have much the same set of rules for our own military." He nodded over at the Doctor. "And he would be your lover, then?"
"My friend," Buffy corrected.
The Lord High Priest seemed a little downcast by the news. "Oh." He thought the matter over, then shrugged. "All right. Kill him."
The soldiers all raised their guns up at the Doctor.
"Woah, woah, woah, what the hell?" Buffy shouted. She made to lunge out at the soldiers, but the ones surrounding her held her back.
"Well, clearly, if he's not your lover, then we have no further use for him," the Lord High Priest explained. "All trespassers must be shot on sight."
"But… but I vouched for him!" Buffy insisted. "He's a good guy! A hero! Like me!"
"You are human," the Lord High Priest pointed out, "and rather an interesting one at that. He is not. If you don't claim him, he will die."
Buffy twisted around so the soldiers restraining her lost their grip, then flew at the Lord High Priest, grabbing him in a chokehold and giving him her best angry glare.
"Word of advice," said Buffy. "Don't piss off a Slayer. Okay?" She glanced at the soldiers still aiming their guns at the Doctor. "Now. Drop the guns, and undo the gag. Or your Lord High Priest gets sent to that elaborate jeweled castle in the sky."
"But I am human," said the Lord High Priest. "You can tell, can you not? You are a hero, and will not kill a fellow human being."
Buffy loosened her grip. Damn it, he was right. "I can still beat you up a lot," Buffy said.
"That does not concern me," said the Lord High Priest. "I must do the work of the gods, and nothing else." The Lord High Priest turned to the other soldiers. "Take aim."
They did as they were instructed.
Buffy felt the anger flaring up inside of her. And… okay, yeah, so she didn't want to admit that she had a dark side, that her power was rooted in something evil and deadly. But Dracula was right. At her heart, she was a killer.
"I don't care if you are human or not," said Buffy. "If you kill the Doctor, I will kill you."
And the most terrifying thing was that she thought she really might do it.
The Lord High Priest seemed to perk up at this. "Well, in that case," he said, "men, do as she says."
The soldiers all lowered their guns, and a group went to release the gag from the Doctor's mouth. The Doctor giving a babbling sort of "thank you" once they had. Buffy let the Lord High Priest go.
The Lord High Priest took a moment to regain his footing and catch his breath. The soldiers directed their guns over at Buffy the moment she released him, but he waved his hand at them, so they dropped their guns.
"No, no," he said. "That's quite all right." He did, however, motion for a number of soldiers to surround him in an armed entourage. He clearly had learned his lesson about taking Buffy seriously. He took another second to compose himself, then examined Buffy once more. "What if I said that this… friend of yours… could live, but only under eternal torment and punishment for his blasphemy and trespass?"
"Then I'd kick your ass," said Buffy.
"Yet you would not kill me?"
"Okay, what's up with this?" said Buffy. "Are you trying to get me mad? Because you're doing a really, really good job!"
"Actually," the Doctor put in, "I believe he's trying to assess the probability that you'll sleep with me."
The Lord High Priest grinned. "Yes, that's it."
Buffy stepped back. "Wait, what?"
"You clearly have a great regard for the male's life," the Lord High Priest told her. "I only wish to see how far that regard goes. Whether or not your affection goes far enough that it might turn into love."
"What?" Buffy cried.
"This is a breeding experiment," the Doctor explained to Buffy. "And, at a guess, one begun by humans time travelling in from their own future. Best way to get a pure human genome, this period in history — before you lot go out into the stars and whatnot. So! Travel back in time. Gather a bunch of humans from this time period together into this little spacial warp space in an accelerated time field. Coerce them into breeding with one another, and voila! Instantly analyze the effects of different human breeding variations. Problem is, since this is an experiment dealing with human genetics, any nonhuman element might mess up the experiment. Hence the sign. It was a warning to all those not native to this planet, telling them to stay out. Because any nonhuman life form found in this place must be eradicated."
"We must maintain purity!" the Lord High Priest said.
"Eliminating extra variables," the Doctor agreed. "That sort of thing. It's very simple, really."
"How did you work all that out?" Buffy asked.
"Those labs back in the main building we came from were genetics labs," the Doctor told her. "Very sophisticated genetics labs. The time acceleration field — although partially broken — means that they're trying to cycle through many generations at an accelerated rate. Rapid evolution. And then there's the substance in the air, of course — pheromones, yes? Someone's trying to encourage these humans to procreate."
Pheromones… hang on, Buffy remembered what that word meant. Or she should. If the Doctor would just stop being so damn sexy and let her think straight. Pheromones… that had something to do with… Xander… and a bug.
(If the Doctor put his sexy glasses on, Buffy was so totally history.)
"We must appease the gods," the Lord High Priest replied.
"Okay, okay, so the Doctor's not human and he'll screw up your experiment," said Buffy. "I get that. But why are you going to kill him for just stumbling around in here? Why not just let him put on his sexy glasses and go free?" Buffy paused, feeling heat flood her cheeks. "I mean… just… go… free."
"Well, because, technically speaking, this sort of thing is illegal," said the Doctor. "Whether it's your own species or not, tampering with a level five planet is against intergalactic law. I believe they're concerned I'll alert the Shadow Proclamation. Or travel to the 70th century and let the Earth Security Forces know that you lot are interfering with your own history."
The soldiers all pointed their guns back at the Doctor.
"See? Automatic security measure," the Doctor explained to Buffy. "I'm guessing every human being born here has been preconditioned to react this way against threats."
"Yeah, but… the Doctor isn't a threat," said Buffy. "He's just really cute-looking. And… why are you planning to let him live if we're lovers? Wouldn't that screw up your experiment, anyways?"
"A good point," said the Doctor.
"We do the work of the gods," the Lord High Priest explained. "And, besides. There is no point in purposely infuriating such a powerful warrior by executing her lover."
"Okay, but executing my friend's gonna infuriate me, too," said Buffy.
"You can have many friends," said the High Priest. "But a lover… is something special."
"What I want to know," the Doctor cut in, "is what's behind all the business with gods and the High Priest? Because you didn't just accuse me of trespassing. You accused me of heresy."
"All citizens of Euphoria must pay tribute to our gods," said the Lord High Priest. "So it was decreed, and so it shall be."
"What about if we just paid the tribute?" Buffy asked. "Would you let the Doctor go, then?"
"Naturally," the Lord High Priest agreed.
"Cool, great, we'll do that," said Buffy. "How much is it? Like, five bucks?"
"To pay tribute," said the Lord High Priest, "you and your... 'friend'… must first become citizens."
"And I'm guessing if we became citizens, that would mean we couldn't leave," said Buffy.
"Of course you could leave!" said the Lord High Priest. "Every single one of our citizens are free to leave, if they so desire. Once you and your… 'friend'… have paid the tribute, you can go. If you so wish."
Buffy frowned. "All right," she said. "Fine, then. What do we need to do to become citizens?"
"You must be joined as one," said the Lord High Priest. "United. Mated."
"Wait, wait, wait!" said Buffy. "You want us to have sex?"
"Yes."
"And if we don't have sex, we'll die?"
"The male will die, as he's not needed," said the Lord High Priest.
Buffy just stared at the crowd surrounding her. The soldiers holding their guns, proud and noble looks on their faces. The High Priest in his bright and cheerful clothing, his smile wide and exuberant and — oddly enough — not the slightest bit malicious.
"What the hell is wrong with you people?" Buffy demanded.
"Sorry?" asked the Lord High Priest.
"Did you just go off and find the most weird and ridiculous internet sex clichés and shove them all together?" Buffy said. "Trapped in a closet? Forced mating? Ritual sex? Seriously?"
"It is the will of the gods," said the Lord High Priest. "You shall mate, or the male shall die!"
"What kind of society actually does that?" Buffy shouted. "What kind of a society actually says, 'hey, you guys, have sex, or we'll kill you!' I mean, if this is a genetic experiment, and you guys have all this technology from the future and stuff, wouldn't it be way simpler to just extract some DNA from me, and some DNA from him, and then shove the two together in a test tube or something?"
"Again, a good point," the Doctor said.
"I do not understand why you are so against the idea," said the Lord High Priest. "Do you not desire to be with your male more intimately? Is this not what you wish for?"
Buffy tried very, very hard to keep the blush off her face. "That's not the point!" she snapped. "Even if we were actually married, I still wouldn't sleep with him like this! It's humiliating and weird and creepy and… wrong! Super duper in-your-face wrong!"
"Nevertheless, the gods demand that all citizens must procreate," said the Lord High Priest. "We uphold the will of the gods."
"And which gods would these be, then?" the Doctor asked. "Because, see, there are rather a lot of races out there who claim to be gods, but in my experience, they usually just wind up being technologically advanced invaders with their own agenda."
A gasp spread throughout the room. The soldiers all stared at the Doctor, the word, "blasphemer" falling from their lips.
The Lord High Priest leveled a fiery glare at the Doctor. "You will die, stranger, for your blasphemies."
Buffy crossed her arms. "Okay, pissed off Slayer equals bad idea, remember? Seriously. Do yourself a favor. Keep him alive."
The Lord High Priest reconsidered. Then, waving a hand, he instructed the soldiers, "Take him to the dungeons. We cannot risk any others hearing his unholy words."
"You're making a mistake!" the Doctor shouted at him, struggling to stay back as the soldiers wrestled him out of the room. "Whoever these so-called 'gods' are, they're using you! I can help!"
Then the Doctor was shoved out of the room, and the door slammed behind him.
Buffy was having a very hard time keeping back her anger. "If you harm him in any way…"
"The nonhuman stranger will not be harmed," said the Lord High Priest. "For now. But we must respect the gods."
"What do you mean, 'for now'?" Buffy asked.
"The gods have spoken," said the Lord High Priest. "I merely follow their orders. They decree that if you, fair Elizabeth, do not sleep with the male within the next hour, he will be executed."
"Wait, the gods spoke to you right now?" Buffy asked, scanning the room. It was empty except for the Lord High Priest, herself, and a few soldiers.
"Of course."
Buffy thought about this, a moment. "Could I, like, appeal to these gods myself? Like, if I shout really loud, could they hear me?"
"You cannot address the gods!" the Lord High Priest snapped. "None but myself can face them. It is forbidden."
Buffy nodded, slowly, absorbing this information. She glanced at the guards. "Can I go? You're not going to shoot me or anything if I leave this room?"
"You are human," said the Lord High Priest. "You are free do go anywhere you choose. In fact, after your friend's fate is decided, we invite you to join us at our post-execution banquet. As an honored guest of the realm, fair Elizabeth, we promise to provide you with wine and music and the finest men for you to choose from! It shall be a truly wonderful party, and the blasphemer's severed head will make a glorious centerpiece!"
Buffy looked down at the picnic basket still tucked under her arm. "Yeah," she said, turning away. "Honestly? I'd rather just have the damn picnic."