Maddy120296 - I agree :)
zaii - Thanks! And yeah, I'm pretty sure is slowly but surely regaining her spunk after that whole Merle-depression thing. I think being around Daryl forces her to lol
Sorry-I-Wasn't-Listening - Second best review I've gotten for the fanfic! XD At first I thought it was too much and then I thought it wasn't enough, but eventually I settled on the way it is now and I'm glad people liked it. And yes, they do make an interesting couple, don't they? ;)
Roxxy01 - Thanks for reviewing! :)
This chapter contains senseless Tessa and Daryl fluff. And then an interesting conversation with Lori :)
Favorite Line(s):
"He's still angrier than a hornet and still doesn't even know the definition of courtesy and kindness to anything that does not have four legs and fur, but . . ." Lori scoffed.
"Are you kidding me? Have you seen what he does to those poor squirrels that he and Ethan bring in?"
It had felt good to get all that off her chest to Andrea, she realized as the camp grew closer and closer to her and as she shoved her hands down into the front pockets of her jeans. It was also probably not the best way she could have gone about handling it (she had fed her Evil wolf pretty badly then, she had to admit) but it did feel good – really good! She could hardly look at Andrea lately without wanting to chop her head off for almost killing Daryl and now that she had gotten all that off her chest, she figured she could start to be around the woman a little bit more and have much fewer homicidal tendencies. It was surprising really, and kinda funny. For once, she wanted to kill someone more than Daryl wanted to kill Shane.
"Hey Ethan, where's your deddy?" Tessa called out to him from his place in-between Lori and Carl in front the Grimes' tent. Her heart began to pound in her throat now that she realized just why she had been looking for him in the first place. She felt her anger and good mood at cussing Andrea out quickly abate and wanted to let out a groan of unhappiness. Ethan pursed his lips in thought, though, before pointing to the Winnebago.
"He's in there . . . with Carol, I think." He called back, somewhat tersely and Tessa swallowed heavily and nodded as she moved to the Winnebago. She fought to get her anger under control and hoped that Carol wouldn't try and pull anything with her like she had last time she was hurt and angry. Tessa was still pretty riled up from her confrontation with Andrea and she didn't feel like antagonizing someone else in the group, especially after her and Carol had made somewhat amends.
And besides, whatever Ethan and Daryl had fought about while making their way out of the farmhouse, was quite clearly still on Ethan's mind, for his voice had been quite terse when he told her where Daryl was. Tessa made a quick mental note to have them patch things over later but for now, she had her own worries and problems to deal with.
She knew that moment was probably not the best moment she could have chosen in order to get him to tell her what exactly he was going to tell her before Shane walked up with the guns, and especially after the little spat he had with Ethan earlier, as well as the barnyard massacre. However, she hadn't exactly gotten her chance earlier that day and understandably, she was pretty anxious to know. She had done it once, so she figured she could do it again . . . although why would she when it seemed that the baby's daddy was never more than five feet away from her at all times?
Ethan's eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he called her back. She stopped and turned around to face him, a small, tight smile appearing on her face. She wanted to get this over and done with this as soon as she could – she didn't have time to stop and ask questions, even if they were coming from her son!
"Yeah, baby?"
"What's wrong?" He asked, as intuitive as ever, and Tessa smiled and shook her head.
"Nothing you need to worry about right now. I just need to talk to your deddy. I'll tell ya about it later, okay?" She asked him and he nodded as she turned back around and continued on her way. Ethan returned back to the conversation he had been having with Lori and Carl – probably about what had happened with Sophia and helping Carl cope speaking Ethan seemed to have everything in his mind under control. But then again, he had always gravitated more towards Glenn in friendship, not Carl and Sophia, so losing the little girl was almost akin to losing another member of the group - not a friend like it was Carl. And judging from the look on Lori's face, she was grateful Ethan was there helping her out. Carl looked up to Ethan, it was clear as day and even though they were friends. It brought a smile to Tessa's face, knowing her son could help in whatever small way he could, be it hunting with Daryl or grief counseling.
The Winnebago was absolutely quiet – as quiet as the grave, in fact, when Tessa opened the door and slowly ascended the steps to the inside. The others were still busy discussing the graves that would be dug for Sophia, Annette and Shawn and they probably wouldn't be done until later. Until then, Carol would probably remain in the Winnebago and sitting on the dining sofa, where she would continue staring morosely out the window like she was currently doing. Daryl was sitting on the countertop across from her, the rifle he had used in the barnyard massacre still in his hands. He glanced at her as she entered and she smiled a small smile at him before she turned a soft eye onto Carol.
"Carol, I'm -!"
"I'm sorry, but I don't want your apologies right now, Tessa. I don't want anyone's apologies right now. You have no idea how I feel – how much it hurts losing a child! At least you still have your son - at least you still have Ethan!" She interrupted her, her voice soft yet cold. Her eyes did not move away from the window she was staring out of and Tessa recoiled slightly as she moved closer to Daryl, both to keep herself under control and just because she could. His hand immediately moved to spread out on her lower back where he rubbed her gently. Tessa pursed her lips and nodded in understanding, immediately knowing how Daryl had been able to stay with her that long. He never spoke - only when you wanted or needed him to, which worked out well for Carol at that moment, who was going to snap at everyone when they tried reaching out to her.
That and she didn't even want to know what it felt like losing a child. Ever.
"Okay, well I can understand that. I just . . . I need to speak to Daryl for a moment. Is that okay . . .?" She asked and Carol let out a little, sarcastic laugh.
"Why do you need my permission? He's your man, ain't he?" She asked and when Tessa's jaw hardened, it was then that Daryl hopped off of the count he had been sitting on and quickly turned a slightly angry Tessa towards the door. He silently pushed her out of the Winnebago and followed her outside on her heels before she had a chance to snap an angry comeback. With the mood that Carol was in, the fight they would have if she antagonized Tessa past the point of grieving decency, would probably not even be funny.
"Don' mind her, babydoll – she's still grievin' . . ." He explained, his voice quiet and slightly on edge as he snuck a cautious glance at her. Everyone's voice had turned quiet and mournful since that afternoon's barnyard massacre, and Tessa nodded stiffly as they moved away from the Winnebago and everyone else so that they could speak semi-freely and with no one there to overhear them. Lori and her connected eyes from across the cooking fire and they shared a look as Daryl continued to follow her – Lori's comforting, whereas Tessa's was more nervous than anything. "What do ya need, Tess?"
Tessa swallowed hard as she stopped and turned to face him. He stopped too and she saw the concern flickering through his eyes although that in no way helped make what she had to say any easier. "Daryl, I just . . ." She trailed off then and it was then that the tears came, completely unbidden to her eyes. After everything that had happened so recently - her heart-lifting conversation with Dale and then her angry tirade with Andrea, she could still cry and that shocked her. She thought she had run all out of tears when the actual massacre was taking place!
"I-I . . ." She shook her head, unable to say anything further to say, and it was then that Daryl took her in his arms in the same warm embrace that he had taken her in earlier. He hugged her to him tightly – protectively – and when his hand snaked down in-between them to cover her stomach - much more cautiously this time - she finally found the voice she needed to speak. "I need to know what you were going to say before Shane walked up with the guns." She finished, her voice coming out stronger than she thought it would, and she heard Daryl chuckle for a moment before he slowly drew away from her. His hand left her stomach and he moved to frame her face with his hands, where he brought her tear-stained eyes up to his.
"Tess, I know tha' this is . . ." He paused and searched desperately for the right words. He had never been the type of man that was good with words – like some of the others like Rick and Dale. What he couldn't say, he preferred to show, however, this wasn't exactly something he could convey through gestures. This required words – words he never before thought he would use. "I know this is prolly tha most unwelcome news we could ever have gotten and I know tha' I handled it pretty badly when ya first brought it to me, but ya have to believe me when I say tha' we'll get through this! We've dealt with worse things before this – tha shit tha' had to do with Merle for one!" He began, and she nodded as he held her gaze more firmly and continued: "Somethin' earlier today made me realize tha' I could never let ya be alone in this – tha', Hell . . .!" He trailed off then, at a temporarily loss for words before he sighed and shot her a pleading gaze. "Somethin' made me realize that I actually want this baby, Tess! I don' want ya to get rid of it in whatever fucked up way ya can think of, but tha' I actually want ya to have it!" He took her hands then. "I want ya to have it and then I want us to try our damndest to raise it in this shithole of a world!"
Tears filled her eyes again as she quickly nodded and allowed him to take her into his arms again in another tight, protective embrace. They stood there in silence for a while, Tessa's tears drying up and when they were gone was when she finally broke the silence. "You know what I've been wishing you'd give me for Christmas since we found each other?" She asked him, her voice small and ineffectual, and he grunted that he was listening. She swallowed hard. "It was probably what jinxed us and it was probably stupid to wish for it anyway, because, come on! Are we really gonna celebrate something as small and ineffectual as Christmas in the middle of the walker apocalypse?" She laughed before continuing, "But, despite everything, I couldn't . . . I couldn't help but wish that you would give me a little girl . . ." Daryl laughed a little with a grin.
"Our little Cat Liz . . .?" Tessa laughed too and nodded.
"Exactly – our little Cat Liz!" She agreed and he chuckled as his knuckle moved to gently sit underneath her chin, where he tilted her head back to gaze up at him.
"Well, here's hopin' somethin' good happens to us for once in this Godforsaken world, huh?" He murmured and Tessa nodded in agreement before he kissed her, long and deep and oh-so-deliciously breathtaking.
"So, how did he take it?"
Tessa grinned and glanced at Lori as the two women stood beside each other in front of the Winnebago, facing the now empty barn. They watched as Andrea, T-Dog and some of the others worked tirelessly to sort the bodies from the ones being buried and the ones being burned – Jimmy lending a helping hand. Tessa tried to keep the grin from her face when she saw that Beth's boyfriend was also spotting a mean looking shiner. She supposed Ethan and him had shared more than a few words.
Tessa shrugged and crossed her arms in front of her chest. "He, uh . . . he took it really well once he had time to think about it," She grinned and bit down on her bottom lip. "He told me that he wants me to have the baby . . . that he wants us to try and raise it the best we can within this whole, fucked up world. We decided to have the baby, in fact . . ." Lori grinned and laughed and while at first it appeared to be a genuine laugh, Tessa could see it was slightly forced. Unlike Tessa, Lori had from day one been antagonistic of her pregnancy. Tessa had too, at first, but that had mainly been because of her fear of how Daryl would react to it. Now that she knew how he felt about it – that he was as happy about as she was, she was no longer afraid of it. She felt . . . giddy, instead.
"Wow . . . is Daryl Dixon actually taking some responsibility for once?" She joked and Tessa nodded and laughed as well.
"He loves kids, Lori – he's always loved kids! And really, do you blame him? The only kid he has, he just figured out about a few months ago and had no choice but to allow another man to raise him. And now that I'm pregnant again, he has the chance to do with this child, what he never got to do with Ethan!" She glanced at her. "I like to take credit for how Ethan turned out, Lori, I really do, but the fact of the matter is that Sam helped me raise him from the day he took his first steps – it wasn't just me like I always tell him. But Daryl's not a stupid man and he sees that it wasn't just me and at times, he resents it. Now, he gets the chance I never afforded him the first time around and he's . . . he's happy, Lori. He's grinning for the first time in years I suspect and he's . . ." She shrugged. "He's starting to take down some of his walls too."
"And it's all because of you!" Lori added and Tessa shrugged, her arms remaining crossed in front of her chest. She fought to keep a smug grin from her face but found that it was easier said than done.
"He's still angrier than a hornet and still doesn't even know the definition of courtesy and kindness to anything that does not have four legs and fur, but -" Lori's scoff of amusement interrupted her friend.
"Are you kidding me? Have you seen what he does to those poor squirrels that he and Ethan bring in?" She asked with a grin and Tessa laughed as she gave another shrug and glanced at her friend.
"My point is, Lori, that he wouldn't be my Daryl if he wasn't hot-headed as all Hell, unforgivingly rude and then shockingly crass at the best of times! I wouldn't know how to handle him if he wasn't. And even then, you have to give him some credit too! I haven't exactly been the most stable person lately, especially with all this stuff with Merle coming to light. And I didn't think he would, but he stuck by me throughout all of that, didn't he? For once, he was the stable one in the relationship and I . . . I can't say that often." Lori smiled.
"Well, let's hope the both of you continue to be stable, okay? For the sake of the baby, if nothing else." Tessa turned a small, thankful smile onto Lori and even though her friend replied with the same smile, Tessa could tell that it was forced. In fact, a lot of her friend's movements had been false lately, causing Tessa to question whether her relationship with Rick was as stable as they liked to portray to the rest of the group – or as stable as hers was with Daryl, anyway. In fact . . . Tessa could probably safely say that if anything, her and Daryl's baby had the potential to strengthen their relationship instead of cripple it.
"Has . . . has everything been okay with you lately, honey?" Tessa asked her in concern as she furrowed her brows in the same emotion while placing a gentle hand on her thin shoulder. The brunette woman gave a weak shrug in reply.
"Rick . . . Rick found my abortion pills yesterday, you remember me telling you about that, right?" Tessa nodded, remembering that Lori had told her something like that during the previous day sometime after dinner and before she had retired to bed with Daryl. Lori heaved a sigh and shrugged.
"I think . . . I think we cleared some stuff up when he confronted me about them, but . . ." She shook her head. "I'm not . . . I can't view this the same way that you and Daryl can, Tess!" She confessed and Tessa's eyebrows immediately abandoned the look of concern and adopted a one of confusion instead.
"What do you mean, Lori?"
"The way you two have reacted to the news that you're pregnant – how-how you guys are so . . . so joyful about it . . .!" She shook her head, tears appearing in her eyes as she did so. "I wish I could have that view! I wish to all Hell and back that I could look at Rick and tell him how much I want this baby and then him look back at me and say, with absolute certainty and with as much love in his heart as Daryl does, that he wants this baby too! I want to think of this as a blessing in disguise, but . . . but, Tess, I'm way too much of a coward to think beyond the inevitable agony of childbirth and then the pain of losing it if something ever happens to it."
Lori shook her head again as she turned her eyes down onto her hands nervously wringing in front of her stomach. She gave a watery sniff as she continued: "I'm not as strong as you are, Tess – I'm not even going to pretend I am! I think that it's impossible that my baby could ever have a good, full life – not in this world – not with me and Rick's relationship the way it is! Now, your baby – you and Daryl's baby . . ." She gave a shrug and a dry laugh. "I'm not as strong as you are, Tess, to think of this baby as anything other than a death sentence for me."
Tessa couldn't help but allow her eyes to widen in shock as she shook her head. Her hands moved to clasp Lori's shoulders, where she then turned her to face her. "Lori, how could you think that -?"
Lori shook her head, interrupting her. "Tessa, think about it! We're not going to give birth in a sanitized hospital with those amazing epidurals. Chances are that we are going to give birth in a ditch somewhere in a Hell of a lot of pain and in a Hell of a lot of blood – and that's if Hershel doesn't allow us to stay! If he does allow us to stay, then we're still going to get all of that except for the ditch. We're going to get a bed instead and a vet as our doctor. To me, our chances still don't look that good. The only difference between us, though, is that you are going to have your man beside you every step of the way being your support system."
Tessa couldn't help but stay silent at that, because, after all, what could she say? Everything Lori had said was most probably correct. The chances were that she would give birth in a ditch on the side of the road somewhere or, if Hershel did allow them to stay, in one of the guest bedrooms in his house – amidst buckets of blood and excruciating pain. Daryl would most probably be behind her, holding her hands and giving her encouragement that wouldn't really be encouragement because Hell, would she really be listening to him through the agony of being split in half? Hershel would be in front of her, delivering the baby and if it wasn't him, then it would most probably be Carol, as a former nurse.
So many things could go wrong – before and after the birth. Without modern luxuries, they were forced back into the medieval age or – at the very most – the pioneer days of giving birth in a field or in a bed with no anesthetics or emergency surgical equipment other than the ones that Shane and Otis had retrieved for Carl. The only comfort – the only strength - she would be afforded would be the feel of Daryl behind her, his hands clasping hers and the comfortable and familiar hardness of his body behind hers for support. Lori probably wouldn't even have that much, knowing her and Rick's often on-and-off relationship.
Lori's voice broke her out of her thoughts and she turned her eyes back onto her as Lori shook her head again. "I know I'm going to die, Tess . . ." She told her, her voice quiet and forlorn, and immediately, Tess shook her head in stubborn disbelief.
"No, no, Lori – don't say that, honey!" Lori nodded and shrugged out of Tessa's grip.
"I am. Carl was an emergency caesarian section," She told her and when Tessa's eyes grew wide, Lori nodded and let out another dry laugh. "I know, right? I mean, there have been many cases of women who have had C-sections going on to have vaginal deliveries but . . ." She shook her head. "I can't help thinking that isn't going to work for me. Something inside me tells me, that it isn't going to work!"
"Ethan was natural," Tessa told her, her voice going as quiet as hers had. "And when I mean natural, I mean that he was natural. He was born in exactly two hours and the physicians at the hospital told me that by the time I would go into actual labor, the epidural would not have had time to work. So, his birth, although relatively easy compared to most, was extremely excruciating. I mean, you cannot even begin to describe the pain associated with giving birth to a child naturally!"
Lori laughed a little then as she turned an expressionless gaze onto her friend. "Well then, I guess you have me at another disadvantage then, huh?" Tessa's eyebrows furrowed in confusion again but Lori shook her head and put her hands on her shoulders. Their eyes met and Lori's were unwavering in their intensity, keeping Tessa from saying anything. "Tess, if either of us is going to survive this, then make no mistake that it will be you. Your strong, you've done this before – Daryl will do everything and anything in his God-given power to save you if anything happens – including fighting through an entire herd of walkers to get you anything you need to survive the birth!" She shook her head. "So promise me that if anything happens to me, that you will look after my baby as if it were your own!" Tessa shook her head as she pulled her friend into a fierce hug.
"Lori Grimes, you stop talking like that right now!" She told her, her voice thick with emotion. "You are not going to die – we are both going to survive this! Our children will grow old together, as will we!" Lori shook her head as they slowly parted, tears appearing in Lori's eyes again.
"I wish I had your confidence, Tess – I really do. But please, for my sake – promise me that you'll do this!" Tessa turned a stern gaze onto her.
"If I promise to this completely and utterly insane request, will you stop talking like this – for the rest of the duration of your pregnancy? Talking like this only jinxes you, I swear to God it does!" Lori nodded quickly, her eyes wide with hopefulness, and Tessa heaved a sigh and shook her head in disbelief. "Fine, then! I, Tessa Night – err, Dixon – promise you, Lori Grimes, that if anything happens to you in childbirth or afterwards, that I will look after your child like it is my own." She rolled her eyes then. "There – does that make you feel better?" Lori adopted a look of relief on her face and nodded as she grabbed Tessa and pulled her back into the fierce hug they had been sharing. Tessa recoiled slightly at the quickness and tightness of the hug and it took her a moment before she reciprocated it.
"Yes – Oh God, yes, you have no idea how much better that makes me feel!" She laughed in clear relief, and Tessa returned it with a nervous chuckle.
"Lori . . . was you just . . ." Tessa laughed again and shook her head as they parted. "I'm sorry, forgive me if I am totally off the mark here, but . . . was you afraid that Rick wouldn't take care of the baby if you died?" Lori's face grew expressionless then as she gave a half-shrug and a nervous laugh.
"You know Rick, Tess! He has a lot on his plate most of the time and I hardly think he would put the needs of one baby ahead of the entire group!" Her eyes flashed slightly. "He's not Daryl, honey, I hate to say it." Tessa's eyes narrowed slightly.
"He would put the needs of the group even above his own baby? 'Cause to me, that's not exactly just a Daryl thing – that's a father thing!" Lori tensed slightly as she hastily averted her eyes down to the ground beneath their feet.
"I mean, yeah, he'll care for it – it will be his baby, after all, but . . . like I said, he's the leader and the leader has a lot of responsibilities and all . . . I doubt he'll have time to constantly look after one child . . .!" She trailed off then but the tenseness of her body language and the quickness with which she averted her eyes away from Tessa's at the mere suggestion of the baby not being Rick's, told Tessa all she needed to know.
Was the baby even Rick's?
Tessa sighed then and her lips pursed. Her voice was small and gentle when she finally spoke. "You know, Lori . . . Sam raised Ethan, even though he knew that Ethan wasn't his. He loved Ethan, even though he knew Ethan wasn't his. He loved Ethan because he loved me and because Ethan, in turn, was mine. He didn't care who his father was – as long as he was mine, he would love him!" She told her and Lori turned a slightly hopeful gaze onto her. Tessa shook her head. "Rick's a good man, Lori. I think, regardless if the baby isn't his – which is it!" She added hurriedly before continuing on. "That he would love it regardless because it is yours – just like Sam did with me and Ethan!"
"You think?" Lori asked in a voice she hoped came out sounding casual and nonchalant but which was really mired in doubt. Tessa nodded firmly – confidently.
"Of course – I know so!" Her smiled grew comforting then as she gave her shoulder a comforting squeeze. "You don't have to worry, Lori - I'm not the only one with a Daryl when it all boils down to it!"