Hope for the Hopeless

Chapter Twenty: To Infinity and Beyond

Holly smoothed down the front of her dress and slowly stood as the congregation waited for her to take her place at the lone podium. Weary eyes flickered across the sea of blank faces swathed in black before they snapped back to the grass bending beneath her velvet shoes.

The first time Holly had don on an all black attire was the day of her mother and father's burial.

She could still picture the dress in her mind's eye vividly – cotton and lace, tea-length with a flared skirt and a little satin bow around the middle. Her grandmother had it made especially for her to wear on any formal occasions, and never did the two realize it was going to be a somber one where the caskets bearing Holly's parents were lowered into the ground for forevermore. The dress would have been beautiful if it was worn on any day other than that which Holly had to spend watching her grandmother cry ever so heart-wrenchingly and her normally stoic uncle hold back tears of his own.

It had been almost fifteen years to that day, but Holly could still remember most of what had happened even though her parents' faces had all but blurred in her memories.

She could still see the pitying looks and hear the plaintive encouragements she had received from the guests, most of them bending down to pull her into a suffocating hug despite her quiet refusals and treating her like a glass doll waiting to shatter under an invisible pressure right before their eyes. It was a few years later that she realized they were hoping Holly had fallen apart, for that would be something for them to hold against Phil, to further emphasize their doubt that the career-oriented man could ever care for Holly the way they believed she should be brought up.

Sparks of anger always coursed through her at the thought of her uncle being judged so harshly without reason.

These people knew nothing of Phil and her.

They didn't know the way Phil's hand had held onto hers throughout the entire day staunchly, never letting her go despite her grandmother's appeals so that he could have some time to himself. He was there to pull her back into his arms when a stranger had made her too uncomfortable with their words and seemingly empathizing embraces and was the one to receive the looks of annoyance and offense when Holly refused their greetings like a petulant child.

Phil had raised her for the past fifteen years, accepting the roles of both her mother and father unofficially and loving her when he could have simply passed her off to her grandmother and not have to worry about leaving a young child behind while he went off on his missions.

He sheltered and protected her when no one else was there to do so, even if it were at his own expanse. Now, as she stood before the silent crowd, and her tired eyes scanned the few familiar faces she had seen fifteen years ago, she decided it was her turn to stand up for her uncle, to defend him against the same people who had thought wrong and judged him unfairly.

It was the only thing she could do for him now.

As she took her spot at the stand, her eyes passed over the crowd in front of her once more. Her grandmother was sat front and center beside Dan, her slouched form leaning and curving against his side for support. She hadn't seen Lynette cry since she had been released from the medical center and Holly knew that was because of her – because her grandmother didn't want to worry and burden her with her own emotions.

For the past day or so, she had tried to talk to her grandmother, to tell her it was okay to let go and cry, to tell her it was okay to be mad at her. But the words always seemed to lodge themselves in her throat, stuck and inadvertently suffocating her and leaving her sleepless with all the unsaid things.

As the days go by, she found herself coming up with a tremendous amount of things that were left unspoken between her and her uncle – one of it being her approval for the striking woman sitting beside Dan.

When Holly first saw Audrey Nathan standing on the doorstep of her home, the first thing that came to mind was how astonishingly different she was to the picture she had in mind of her. While Phil was everything strong and masculine and hardy, Audrey was light and fluid and whimsical. She had an airy laugh; a soft voice and had a type of beauty that Holly never knew her uncle would have a thing for.

She had always assumed Phil would go for someone safer, more common, and more average because of his unconventional way of life. Audrey, however, was anything but ordinary. The cellist had a way of drawing people in and wrapping her presence around each person until all they could see was her. Even though they had only known each other for a little over a day, she could already imagine accepting Audrey into her small family and bonding over gossips about Phil while he sat close by, nursing a glass of scotch and sulking over being the topic of their jokes.

She could see him being happy with Audrey, something Holly had always wished for her uncle, if the Tesseract hadn't happened and Phil hadn't gotten himself killed by a megalomaniac god hell-bent on usurping Earth. He could have had it all if it were not for S.H.I.E.L.D. and the scarred man sitting at the very end of the row.

Her eyes hardened then, and her hands gripped the sides of the podium tightly as she fixed him with a dark glare.

Holly was in no way someone who would be easily angered or provoked. Having abilities that could be triggered freely by the changes in her emotions, she had to keep her emotions under control, and as such Phil had trained and helped her in managing them through the years. But having said that, there was just something about Nick Fury that rubbed her the wrong way.

Perhaps it was the cold and relentless way he went about dealing with things, or the fact that most of Holly's family lost their lives because of him, but it was always hard for her to hold fast to her composure in the presence of the man who had taken almost everyone from her.

She looked away from the steady stare Fury had fixed her with and found her eyes drifting passed the middle seats over to the very last row, where a group of five vastly mismatched people were seated.

Bruce Banner sent a wry smile up at her from his seat beside Tony Stark, who, despite the somber occasion and the fact that half his face was hidden behind dark sunglasses, still commanded the attention of people around him. She had seen several guests turning every now and then to look at the billionaire industrialist before turning to speculate among themselves over the relation Phil had had with him. Noticing her stare on him, Stark quirked his brow at her and nudged the man beside him in the side, hard, earning himself a dark scowl and a firm jab in retaliation.

The explosive and sometimes tensed nature between the two never failed to amuse her, even on an occasion as grim as the one they were all in.

Hidden behind his own pair of shades himself, Steve Rogers looked somber and stern and every bit the military captain he was in his sharply pressed suit and neatly coiffed hair. He had been staring at his lap with a frown up until Stark had shoved him, breaking him out of whatever stupor he was in and pulling his attention back to his surroundings.

The crease between his brows eased, and the corner of his lips perked up into a small smile as he nodded up at her, the simple action causing her skin to prickle as though a cold breeze had passed over her. She pushed the feeling of unease down and nodded curtly back before readying herself to get everything over and done with.

The clearing of her throat echoed through the quiet ground and she cringed, not expecting a sound as grating as that to break the stark silence. All at once, the guests' attention snapped back towards her and the sudden scrutiny only served to make her anxiety return with a vengeance. Holly's shield pulsed around her, the silvery threads of energy wavering and shimmering increasingly with her mounting restlessness.

'Deep breaths,' Holly reminded herself as she regulated her breathing carefully and started a slow count in her head.

Since the battle of New York, she found her grasp over her abilities weakening drastically, and it was growing too easy to stimulate her powers when she had had more than ten years to keep them in check.

It was one thing for her shield to come up instinctively in times of danger, but it was another for her powers to alter itself completely and blow all the lights in her home out against her own will.

For the first time since the day she had unintentionally taken the serum, her abilities had modified into something that she didn't know how to contain nor utilize, which only served to remind her how she had lost any semblance of control over her own life.

With tightly clenching teeth and a deep shuddering breath, the almost invisible light around her settled down once more, giving her enough composure and time to address the people in front of her.

"So I guess I'm supposed to start everything off with some good words about Phil and all," She began with a shaky smile.

Some (namely Stark and the two spies – Barton and Romanoff) smiled while others looked unimpressed and displeased with her wry humour.

"I figured it would be better for me to a speech in advance because lord knows I was never the best at public speaking. But as I sat in my room trying to come up with one, nothing coherent and worthy came to my mind except the word 'how'. It's hard to talk about him – not because of…" she drifted off then, casting a fleeting glance at the mahogany casket beside her.

"But because it is impossible for me to pen Phil down in letters. I could tell you the colour of his hair and the shade of his eyes or the way they crinkled when he smiled. I could talk about how his face turns this hilariously bright purple when he found my first boyfriend and I in my room with the door closed. I could imitate the way he snores and sleeps with his mouth open when he dozes off during our movie nights. I could tell you a million and one thing about him, but the only thing I can't find a way to describe is him – his personality, his spirit, the essence of Phil as a person.

"Because there is not a single word in the dictionary that could sum up his soul perfectly. Because whenever I think I've finally found a word for him, Phil does something otherwise to prove me wrong. There just isn't a way to tell all of you about him without stammering and ending up going off about things that makes no sense."

Holly paused, drawing in a quick breath in an attempt to slow the thundering in her chest. As the words tumbled out of her mouth, the sense that she was bidding her uncle goodbye finally registered in her mind. The realization that this was it, this would be the final farewell she would be giving him left her physically winded as she gripped the sides of the podium tightly and the courage she had mustered up the whole day escaped her in a shuddering breath. Silence rang sharply in her ears as a gut wrenching hollowness – the same emptiness she felt when Phil was pronounced dead – started to expand and grow where her heart was and it threatened to swallow Holly up in a wave of fear, loneliness and hopelessness.

Lost green eyes flickered from one face to another in the crowd, frantically searching and yearning to see shades of blue winking up at her and desperately wishing for the reassurance she needed because she was so, so close to breaking down in front of the many eyes scrutinizing and waiting for her next move.

She needed her uncle, but he wasn't there. Not with her. No, he was there, but not in the way Holly had hoped he was. Instead, Phil was lying in the casket, eyes closed, body stiff and skin as pale and as cold as the next patient who had been proclaimed dead in the ER.

Now, Holly was alone and losing every bit of the faux-bravery she had built up and her composure was breaking at its seams, the invisible strings holding her up snapping one by one while the seconds ticked by and the silence dragged on and –

And that's when she saw him.

Green met blue in a flash of black and that was all it took for the chasm in Holly's chest to stop deepening enough for her to breathe again.

Holly blinked – once, twice, thrice – taking in a deep breath as Steve held her gaze firmly, an unmistakable look of concern and plaintiveness so tightly etched in his features that her heart stuttered in its place and the single stumble, the small skipped beat was what caused the gap in her chest to close up ever so slowly, taking with it the panic and fear that had been shrouding her with no means of escape.

"Ms. Fairchild?"

"Sorry," She stammered, smiling apologetically at no one in particular when the priest's call of her name broke through the stifling silence. "Sorry, I uh…"

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, feeling her grip on the podium loosening.

'I am not going to break down in front of these people,' She chanted desperately. 'I am going to finish this speech and give Phil the goodbye he deserves. I am Holly Fairchild and I can do anything.'

"What I can tell you though, was what Phil was to me," Holly began once more. "He was first and foremost, family. Uncle Phil was my fun and overly doting uncle up until the day my parents died and he had to take on their roles, which he did readily and without hesitation. I still recognize some of you from years ago, not because of your kind words, sympathetic consolations or your warm hugs, but I remember your faces because of your skepticism and doubt that he would ever be able to care for me the way you think I should be. The way you think he was never able to provide me with.

"You were, all of you, wrong in your careless assumptions about him. Phil was without a doubt the best parent I would never dare to hope or ask for."

"Unlike children my age, I wasn't normal," Holly paused, a sick sense of satisfaction washing over her when Fury and his loyal sidekick, Agent Hill, stiffened and their stares hardened ever so slightly.

"While I should have been enjoying my time as a carefree kid, I was thrown into a situation where I lost not one but two of the people I loved. As a matter of fact, I think I would have become a wayward child if it hadn't been for my uncle. He was the one who cared for me, who protected me, who loved me despite the fact that he could have passed me off of to my grandmother. He could have rid himself of the trouble and teenage angst and heartache and awkward situations but he didn't.

"Because he was Phil and he never forsake anyone. Not me, not his friends, not his coworkers, not the homeless on the streets, not even my cat because of his dislike for animals. He might get a little cold and hardnosed and rough around the edges, but he was really just a big softie hidden behind a steely façade.

"While other kids my age idolized fictional characters, my own personal hero was Phil. He was the one who taught me to stand up to my bullies and to kick them where it hurt the most, despite having to be called into the Principal's office. He was the one who told me pain was necessary for us to truly appreciate the happy moments but it was also temporary; because pain will always, always go away and hope will be there to take its place. He was also the one who promised me that I would never ever feel nor be alone because at the end of the day, even if I had nothing and nobody else, I would still have him. Just like how Sheriff Woody would always have Buzz Lightyear to fall back on and make sure that everything was okay despite the fact that nothing was.

"I still have so many things to tell him – so, so many things that I don't think I can finish even with all the time in the world. I want to tell him I don't care anymore, and that he can eat all the powdered donuts and junk food he wanted, so long as he continued to buy me cakes in return."

Muffled laughter swept through the congregation although Holly could catch a couple of teary eyes as she scanned the crowd. For a moment, she was relieved. This was how Phil would have wanted his funeral to be – lighthearted and carefree, instead of the somber affair it had started out as.

"I want to tell him he and Grandpa Dan can finally gush and fanboy over their shared idol and he can stop complaining about how they have nothing in common. I want to tell him that I am completely surprised by his choice in women but that I strongly approve in the ethereal beauty he had managed to charm and he is in such deep trouble now that I've met and liked her so much."

"Thank you!" Audrey called out amidst the laughter.

"You're welcome," Holly returned with an easy smile. "I'm sure I am not the only one with so many unsaid things. Anyone who had known Phil, I'm sure there are things you want to tell to him, even if it was to scold him for stealing your food or to tell him to stop scowling so much. Although he will no longer be with us in person, Phil will always be with us through the words he had said, the things he had done, the love and concern he had shown us."

Holly stopped; smiling lightly through the tears she never realized had fallen and turned to her side where the casket was.

"I'll love and miss you to infinity and beyond, Buzz."

Edited as of 15 April 2015

Hey guys, I've been spending time going through my writing and I've cleared up a couple of conflicted mistakes in my story against he existing MCU after finally deciding to get on the AOS train. I'm definitely still alive and writing, just lost my muse for a while (or a year) but I'll be updating HftH very soon and will also be publishing a series of drabbles regarding our favourite uncle and niece pair.

P/S: Third year almost anniversary, hola!

Take care, all and I'll see you soon.