Lacunar

20. Binary

"I hate myself, everyday," Bella whimpered, trying to hold onto Edward's arm as he shook her off.

"I can't even look at my own wife," he responded dryly.

He didn't know if he was captured in a contagious loop of indomitable melancholia or if he felt somewhat relieved to know the truth, albeit in a very twisted way.

"What's his name?" Edward asked. She had conveniently forgotten to give the faceless man a name.

Bella told him the events of the night. She debriefed him on the quality of their relationship from a year and a half ago. She spoke with a shaky voice and even shakier hands. Edward had clutched onto her, keen to learn everything.

But as the efflux of emotional words floated out from Bella's mouth, Edward started to mark his distance as understanding hit him to the bone. He cautiously moved away- first losing contact with her hand before standing up to face the pot plant in the corner of their living room.

"You're not going to punch him like last time," Bella sniffled.

"Why are you defending him?" Edward yelled with a scowl, unwilling to look at Bella's expression.

However, giving in to his sudden impulse, he walked up to Bella. He saw the helplessness on her face magnify until all he discerned were the wet tracks on her cheeks and the bloodshot patterns in her eyes.

He caused her to cry like this.

He caused her to become this mess.

"Why did you do it?" Edward asked quietly. "Why did you not talk to me?"

"You don't understand, Edward. You'll never remember who you were back then," Bella cried listlessly. "I mean, you didn't want to remember because even for you, it's too distressing to recall. I couldn't talk to you back then. You were gone. You were the unhappiest man, tied to a marriage he didn't want anymore."

"I could never... never not want you," Edward said, feeling his heart lurch in his chest. "I don't know what I said back then, but I would've still loved you. I know I would have. In any time frame. In any era. There will never be a version of history where I, Edward Cullen, won't love you."

"I have loved you. I still do. And I always will," Bella said, crying as she slipped onto the carpeted floor. "I just lost where I was going. We were having so many problems with our relationship. For the first time in six years of our marriage, things were totally out of our control. We always thought we could read each other, like soul-mates looking into a mirror. I guess, when that gradually faded, we forgot how to appreciate each other. Just for who we are."

"It's so frustrating for me," Edward said bitterly, blinking away his tears. "Because it's like I'm talking to a stranger. It's as if I'm a stranger too. You tell me all these horrendous things I've said to you... all of these things that I've failed to be, yet I don't remember any of it. All I remember is your smile. It's the first and last thing I see before I fall asleep."

"I still smile," Bella implored, attempting to highlight the hope that was still left between them.

"Well, you're definitely not smiling now," Edward spat with a shake of his head. "You're crying... because you've realized just how useless this all is. You tried to keep me oblivious, like a mindless prisoner, as a way to medicate the guilt in your stomach."

"I'm sorry," Bella cried, wiping her face. "I didn't know what to do. Everything was happening so fast. I thought I'd lost you. And with that, I lost myself. I didn't want to go back to that nightmarish world."

"I can't believe I'm saying this," Edward said quietly, spinning back around so that he wouldn't break down at the sight of Bella wearing her heart on her sleeve. "As much as I don't want to love you anymore... as much as I don't want to love the very woman who gives me a purpose to stay alive, I still love you... so ardently, and so painfully."

Bella's tearful hiccups grew louder as she rocked back and forth.

"At the same time, I hate you," Edward whispered. "You've broken me for a second time, even though I begged for the truth. You've made me hate myself... for treating you so poorly, for neglecting you, for pushing you into the arms of another man. As much as I hate you, I hate myself so much more."

"I love you," Bella repeated woefully, knowing that futility was the only comfort she'd receive tonight. "It's impossible for me to feel otherwise."

Edward closed his eyes, unable to inhibit the escape of his lamenting tears. Doing what he always did best, Edward didn't look back as he walked out of the room, abandoning his crying wife.

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