SAME WARNING AS LAST TIME. Let's just assume all chapters until further notice are not for the easily triggered.

Chapter 20: Trial and Error or Failure

By the time the holidays passed and the real winter break rolled around, Rachel couldn't hold herself to the promise she made, not even for a few days. Shelby and Beth left midday Saturday. Her mother was a nervous wreck and that just added to Rachel's already maxed out anxiety levels. She wasn't sure Shelby's were any lower.

"So here are all the contact numbers. 911 for emergencies."

"Obviously." But Shelby couldn't hear a word she was saying. Instead, she just continued.

"Are you sure you don't want to come?" Her rant seemed like it would never end.

"I'm sur…"

"I don't know if I'm comfortable leaving you alone."

"I'll be…" If she wasn't heard soon, she was going to flip out.

"Maybe this was a bad idea."

"Shelby, I'm going to be fi…"

"I could cancel if you want me to stay."

"No." She finally got a whole sentence out. Sure, it was only one word, but she complete the whole thought.

"You should just come."

"Shel…"

"Or better yet, I should just cancel. There's always next year."

"Shelby…"

"I don't want you to be alone for the holidays. I know Chanukah is over, but there's still Christmas."

"It's…"

"My mother is going to give me hell for not bringing you."

"What's her name?" Rachel finally got her attention and pulled her from her reverie. She caught Shelby off guard.

"What?"

"You keep saying my mother this, my mother that, but you never said her name. What's her name?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. Her name's Margaret, Corcoran."

"I figured that last part." She added sarcastically.

"Don't get smart with me."

"I'm sorry, but you have to stop." Rachel reached for the paper that was on the table in front of them. "I have all the numbers. I promise to call you and you are sure to call every five minutes to bother me. Everything's going to be fine."

"I know everything will be fine, but I still don't know how I feel about leaving you alone and on the holidays." Shelby moved closer and it took everything in Rachel not to take that instinctive step back. "I know what you said, but are you sure you don't want to come? You could meet your family." She resisted the urge to scream that they weren't her family. Her family was all dead and buried. But she was more disciplined than that. To keep up the act she had to use that self control.

"I'm not ready for that. I'm not ready to meet them, and I've never celebrated Christmas with my dads. You're family celebrates both and that's great, but I can't do that yet. I'm not ready to break away from the traditions set with my family." Rachel figured giving a semi sentimental spiel would get Shelby to give up on getting her way. "You should go and have fun. You haven't seen them in a long time and phone calls once every few months isn't enough. You're family's alive and you should take advantage of that while you still can." Yes, she was playing dirty and guilting Shelby into going, but she really needed some alone time. She had been living with Shelby for a while and hardly had any time truly to herself. It was like going from zero to sixty. One minute she was living practically on her own with periodic visits from her fathers in between trips and then she's in an environment where there were rules and people twenty four seven. It was a lot to get used to, and she could use the break.

"Ok, I understand. You can stay, but no one comes over without my permission. If I call you better answer. And I will be calling frequently. You know the rules. Beth's sitter will come by to check on you for me." That was where Rachel drew the line.

"That's entirely unnecessary. You're only going to be gone for a few days and I'm not Beth. I'm not a child anymore. I don't need to be checked upon by a baby sitter. I've spent time alone before and I handled t just fine." Saying that didn't help her cause. Shelby had been dwelling on the fact that her fathers so frequently left her in her own care and she didn't want Rachel to feel she was doing the same.

"I really shouldn't go." Rachel appreciated the effort. She was trying to portray the protective mama bear, but she hadn't needed that mama bear to protect her for the past sixteen years and she most definitely didn't need it then.

"Shelby…" The name was long and drawn out to make a point.

"I don't want to leave you alone like they did." So great. Rachel needed to offer her mother reassurances and tell her what a great person she was.

"You're not leaving me alone like they did. You haven't left me alone once since I moved in. Normal parents leave their kids alone every now and then." Rachel picked up the suitcase from the ground and started to push it toward Shelby. "You should take Beth and leave now. You're giving me a headache."

"Fine." Shelby accepted the suitcase and they walked toward the front door. "Grab Beth and help me get her in the car." Rachel complied. The faster she did that the faster they left.

Putting the bag in the trunk, Shelby walked around the car to stand in front of Rachel. She hesitated for a moment and then went for it. Her arms wrapped Rachel into an embrace. She didn't return it. It was unexpected and she didn't know how she felt about it. On one hand it was the beginning of what could be the maternal bond she always craved. And on the other, it was not at all what she was expecting and she didn't know if she was ready for it. She wasn't sure she was anywhere near ready to hear what came out of her mouth either. "I know you don't want to hear it, and I doubt you'll believe it, but I love you. Be good and I'll see you in a few days."

Rachel was left awestruck. She tried so hard last time to stop Shelby from saying those words, but she didn't even see it coming that time. There was no way she was saying it back, and not an ounce in her believed it was true, but she managed a simply, "Bye Shelby," as the woman walked into the car and began to hesitantly drive away.

After a brief moment of standing in the freezing cold, just trying to understand what just happened, Rachel rushed inside and headed straight to her bathroom. The first thing she went for were the scissors. That wasn't her intention. The bathroom wasn't even her intended destination. It all just sort of happened. There was some internal debate. Do it? Don't do it? Then there was some coaxing. "Come on Rachel. You said you wouldn't do this." She told herself. "But you want to do it." And she did, so bad. The feel of the cold blade in her hand was enticing. It felt like it was calling out to her. "Use me Rachel. Use me!" She fought it a little longer, but she was quickly losing the battle of the wills that ensued. She wanted to do it. Whether she'd cop to that or not, she wanted to. She caved. She gave in. Pulling her pants down to expose her thigh, she ran a hand over the healing cut already there. It looked lonely. It needed a friend. And she'd give it one or more.

Gripping the icy steel tightly in her hand, she roughly swiped it across her flesh, the silver leaving a red fire on her skin. That one was for the empty promises of love and family. The family she'd never have. The love she'd never feel. The next one was for no reason in particular and every reason at all. In a mixture of anger and sadness, in a moment devoid of any and all reason, she added another mark to the otherwise pristine skin. It was deeper than she intended, but she didn't care either way, because once she saw the mountain of red gold flow seamlessly out of her body and form the most incredible abstract creation she had ever seen, nothing else mattered. She just sat there, taking deep breaths and enjoying the insides of her body becoming living art. She still didn't know why it felt so good, why something that would have most people crying out in pain had her wishing for more, but she loved it nonetheless. She didn't know a lot, but she could tell; things had changed. She could feel it.

The first time it happened was an accident. The second time was an impulse. The third time was a choice. And the fourth time it was an addiction. After that it was just part of her life. That wasn't something she necessarily realized as she cleaned herself up. It was just a fact.

Her leg was red and raw. Just a light touch sent a shockwave of pain through her body. It wasn't as imposing as it seemed. It would come in handy during the moments where there were no sharp objects around or any alone time to speak of. A simple push and the pain she craved would be hers for the taking. But that was something to worry about at a later date. Then, she had to focus on sterilizing her self-inflicted wounds. Infection was not an opponent she dared to go up against.

As she wiped it up, she realized just how deep she went that last time. Even with the applied pressure, which allowed her to feel the wet warmth in her hands, it was still bleeding pretty badly. But she wasn't worried. It wouldn't kill her. If that day ever came she'd do it intentionally, not by accidentally slicing a little too deep. Applying gauze and medical tape that she found in Shelby's bathroom, she thought about what came next. Bleeding wound and all, she didn't care; she had some time to kill before she'd expect Shelby's call and decided to go for a run. She'd be doing a lot of that while Shelby was away. There was more freedom and luxury. There'd be no need for secrecy and sneaking around. No one was there but her.

So for the few days while Shelby was gone, life was pretty much routine. Many people traveled for the holiday so it was fairly quiet. It made her runs easier. Her days started out with a breakfast binge followed by a prompt regurgitation and a five mile run. After that came no rest. She would immediately clean herself up a bit to get some of the sweat off of her. Things could get a little wet and dirty when running in three pairs of sweat pants and several sweaters to ensure maximum output. And after she finished with that, she was usually more than close to passing out, but if she had the strength in her, even if she didn't, she'd rehydrate with ice cold water and head to the basement to work on her dance routine while singing whatever came on the radio. She needed to keep her voice in tip top shape. No matter what else was going on, when it came to competitions, she still wanted to be on top. She still craved the solos come show time.

The rest of the day was lost. She wouldn't stop to eat or drink or anything else. Every waking moment until her body succumbed to the darkness was spent trying to get it all right. That didn't just mean her dancing. She needed everything to be right. She had to be perfect and so did everything she did. So with the exception of phone calls from Shelby and her morning and nightly rituals, Rachel had a strictly one track mind. She was going to practice and practice until everything the execution of each move was flawless, her feet gave out, or she passed out again. Whichever came first would be the only thing to get her to stop.

It was the same all three and a half days that Rachel was alone. Tuesday after noon, Rachel finished cleaning the house and making it look less lived in, more spotless than it was before Shelby left. She shopped and replaced all the foods she binged on, at least most of it. If nothing was gone it'd look a little suspicious. There was no evidence of cutting or any of her other vices. The bathrooms were scrubbed clean. She even picked up a pack of shiny new razors so she didn't have to rely on whatever she could find. Those would be just hers.

The pack of five was hidden well. One was taped inside her journal so it was close to her at all times like a security blanket there for her comfort and use. Another was in her bathroom tucked safely away in the tin of Band-Aids. The third was in her nightstand drawer slipped into one of the miscellaneous boxes hidden in there. The fourth was taped under her desk. No one would ever think to look there. She was security conscious. Some things were better kept private. And as for the last, she didn't know where to keep that one. It had to be somewhere Shelby wouldn't find it, not that Shelby should be going through her things in the first place, but she couldn't find a place for it. Finally she settled for her dance bag. The razor had a plastic covering so it wouldn't slice through the fabric, and the pockets were looking a little lonely.

Once her razors were properly put away, Rachel was about to go back to practicing when she heard the phone ring. She immediately went into Shelby's room where the closest house phone was and picked it up. "Hello?"

"Hey Rachel, what are you doing?"

"Laundry." She had to do another load of clothes. Several of her runs on separate occasions irritated the wounds and caused the slightly healed cuts to rip open and bleed right through the gauze and her clothes. She very well couldn't let Shelby see that. That would only lead to questions and Shelby wouldn't want to hear the answers. Nor would Rachel want to give them.

"How was your day?"

"It was fine."

"We're on our way home."

"Ok." Shelby wasn't thrilled with the monosyllabic answers. Rachel had been like that since she and Beth left and she didn't understand why. What could she have done with a few hours and a whole chunk of land between them?

"Depending on traffic, we might be back by eight."

"Ok, I'll see you then. Bye." She was about to hang up when she heard Shelby's voice again.

"Wait Rachel!"

"Yes Shelby?"

"Is there something wrong? Are you upset with me?"

"No. Why would you ask that?"

"You haven't been yourself lately?" And she'd know exactly what herself was.

"Everything's fine here. I'm just enjoying the last of my alone time."

"Ok." She'd have to settle for that answer. She was about to get on a busy road and knew driving while on the cell phone wasn't a good idea. "We'll be home soon. I can't wait to see you."

"Yup, bye."

"Bye Rachel." Hanging up, Rachel placed a call to Renee. She knew the studio was closed for the break, but she could really use the time. And as much as it pained her to stare at her own reflection, the mirrored walls would allow her to see every flaw in her steps and know what needed to be fixed for Saturday. Renee told her that some of the other girls were doing the same thing and that she was in luck. The studio was free that night and one of the other instructors was using the room right next to theirs so she could go and stay until it needed to be locked up for the night.

Knowing that using the locker room would be a waste of time, she quickly ran up to her room. Pulling out some of the new stuff she bought and left at the house, she changed at warp speed and threw on some track pants and a jacket before grabbing her bag and starting to head out. She realized that she should've called Shelby to tell her she was going out. She was pretty good about that, but she didn't want to run the risk of Shelby telling her no, so she opted for the old school note. Scribbling down a few words, she slipped on her shoes and started walking to the studio.

Two and a half hours passed. And while Rachel was working up a sweat and dancing her little butt off, Shelby was pulling into the driveway. Deciding that taking in the bags was an unnecessary task for the time, Shelby bypassed the trunk, opting for the back seat instead. Grabbing Beth from the car seat, they went into the house. It was dark and empty. She couldn't hear Rachel stirring or anything else at all.

"Rachel!" She bellowed. "Rachel, we're home!" Still nothing. "Where's your sister Beth?"

"Ray." Beth spit out while chewing on her little stuffed friend.

"Yes, where's Ray?" It was around 8:30 when they arrived home and past Beth's bedtime. That was made obvious by the way Beth leaned into Shelby and rested her head against Shelby's shoulder. "Come on Beth. Let's go find Rachel and then put you to bed." Just as she was about to start up the stairs, a bright yellow piece of paper caught her attention. Still, holding on to Beth, she walked over to the foyer table and picked it up. Rachel left her a note.

Dear Shelby,

I knew you were coming home today and I'm sorry I'm not there. I wanted to be, however, some free studio time opened up and I couldn't pass up the chance. There's only another week and I needed the practice. I made dinner for you and Beth figuring you'd be hungry after your travels. Don't worry about saving me any because I've already eaten. Enjoy and I'll see you when I return.

Rachel

At the end of the note, sitting next to her name was the gold star sticker. It got Shelby wondering. Did Rachel still have that cup she gave her? Did she still use it? Then she realized that those were questions for a later time. Looking at the time, she saw that it was late for the toddler but they both still needed to eat, so she took Beth into the kitchen and looked to see what Rachel had prepared.

In between feeding Beth and shoving a few bites into her own mouth, Shelby decided to call Rachel. She wasn't exactly happy that Rachel left without telling her, but she knew where her daughter was and knew that she was safe, so that was something. Knowing that, she decided to give Rachel some time before calling. But that time was up and it was time to make the call. It rang and rang until it finally went to voicemail.

"Rachel what did I tell you about answering your phone?" Trying it again was futile. There was still no answer. "What are we going to do with her Beth?"

Finishing up with dinner and then dishes, Shelby took Beth to get cleaned up and ready for bed. It was getting late and Rachel still wasn't home. And she didn't want her to walk in the dark, but she didn't want to wake the now sleeping baby either. Sometimes being a single parent was the toughest job there was. She had to make a choice. Knowing that Beth was a heavy sleeper and probably wouldn't wake up, she decided to go pick up Rachel from the studio. It was the better option because even if she did wake, it would be easier to cajole her back into a peaceful slumber than it would be to comfort Rachel if, god forbid, she fell prey to the creatures of the night. She couldn't risk that possibility. Wrapping Beth in ample warmth, Shelby strapped her into the car seat once again and headed the few miles to the dance studio.

Inside, Rachel was pushing herself as hard as she could. The tights were making her cuts itchy every time she moved, but she couldn't scratch or they'd bleed and turn her pristine whites to a tainted red. People would see and she just couldn't handle that. She was still dealing with the suspicions from her other problems, and there was no need to add to that. Starting the music over, she went through the routine again. She just couldn't seem to get it right and she was about two seconds away from killing her own reflection. She couldn't do anything right. Everything looked sloppy and off beat. Whenever she looked in the mirror she felt like crying. Nothing was going her way and all she wanted was to get it perfect. Just once; she just wanted one flawless run through. But she couldn't even get that. Frustrated, and on the verge of ripping out her own hair, she quickly restarted the music before she could think anymore and then began again.

It was at that point that Shelby walked in to the room carrying Beth, who hadn't woken up, in her arms. Rachel hadn't noticed their presence and Shelby took that as her opportunity to just watch her daughter in action. She looked beautiful, even with the determined scowl on her face. Her movements were so graceful and clean. Perfect… her daughter was perfect. And she took her breath away. The fluidity in her movements and the cleanness to her steps were enthralling, truly captivating. Her motherly pride was welling in her chest.

She watched through the entire song, and it wasn't until it came to an end that she saw what has probably been blatantly staring her in the face for some time. As beautiful as she was, Rachel was tiny, almost unhealthily so. Then she thought back to the hospital visit back when Rachel got that concussion. The doctor told her to get her checked out by her normal physician and to make sure she was eating right. Shelby made good on the second request. She made sure Rachel had a balance breakfast and dinner and she gave her money for lunch at school. The girl ate snacks like it was a hobby. So she didn't understand how she was still so fragile looking, really thin as a rail. And she tried to get Rachel to the doctor, but there was always some excuse. One time it was scheduling conflicts, the next it was her need for perfect attendance, which, the more she thought about it, didn't make sense because that was already ruined, and then there were just a boatload of other reasons. One excuse after the next was dulled out, and she bought into it. But she wasn't going to anymore. She was getting smaller and smaller and Shelby couldn't ignore it anymore. The girl ate enough to be at a stable weight, but she wasn't getting any bigger. There could be something seriously wrong and she couldn't let it go anymore. She'd be making the appointment and Rachel would be going. No more excuses would be tolerated.

"Brava!" Shelby quietly clapped as the dance was winding down. Rachel nearly jumped out of her own skin as she fell to the ground. People tended to startle her more easily as she had more to hide. "Are you ok?" She rushed over to Rachel's side.

"I'm fine." She hissed. And she was fine, except for the newly reopened cuts from direct contact while sliding on the floor. She quickly put her hand over it to apply pressure and keep Shelby from seeing. "What are you doing here?" The anger was still in her voice. Shelby wasn't supposed to see her at her worst. She sucked and didn't want her own mother to see her fail anymore than she already did.

"I got your note. You were supposed to call me if you went out. Those were the rules."

"So you came here to what? To reprimand me? To give me my rebuke?"

"No Rachel." She didn't understand the attitude. What did she do? "I came because it's dark and I didn't want you walking out there alone so late at night. I didn't want anything to happen to you. And is it so bad that I wanted to see you dance? You're amazing."

"No I'm not. One small noise and I come tumbling down."

"And you're bleeding."

"Yeah, well that happens when you slide across the hard ground wearing nothing but tights to cover your legs."

Shelby struggled to bend down while holding Beth. "Let me help you."

"No, I'm fine. Thanks for coming to pick me up. Just wait in the car and I'll be there after I clean up." Not wanting to give Shelby a chance to even formulate a response, Rachel quickly grabbed her bag and walked through the changing room door, her free arm still pressed against her leg. She didn't need that. It was only adding to her stress, and she was already on the verge of a panic attack.

She took ten minutes to compose herself and make herself more normal. Her leg was re-bandaged, but her brand new tights were completely ruined. Good thing she bought quite a few. Maybe the blood would bleach out. Once her pants were back on and her jacket too, she rushed out of the studio to find Shelby's waiting vehicle. It was a nice gesture, Shelby coming to see her and pick her up, but it bothered her. She didn't know why, but it did. It was like she couldn't understand the sudden interest. And as she walked to the car, that was all she could think about. Why was Shelby really there? There had to be an ulterior motive.

"Are you ready to go?"

"Yes."

There was some silent time, filled only with the sounds of Beth's deep breaths as she slept like only a baby could, until Shelby spoke up. "You were amazing in there. You're definitely ready for the auditions on Saturday."

"No, I'm not, but thank you for saying that."

"You were beautiful and flawless. If you don't get one of the leads, then that's their loss." That wasn't exactly what she wanted to say. She wanted to voice her concerns and tell her that she was scheduling her for a physical, but she didn't think Rachel would respond well and wanted their first night back to be met with peace instead of raised voices.

The rest of the car ride was met with quiet. And when they got home, they went their separate ways. Rachel went up to her room to shower and change. She craved the comfort of her own bed after feeling the consistency of her nightly ritual. But she had a feeling she was in for some welcome home conversation with Shelby. And if she wanted to appear normal, she'd have to act it. So she'd have to go down and talk to Shelby, maybe tell her she was glad they were back. Meanwhile, Shelby immediately put Beth to bed, making sure she was tucked in nice and warm. Once that was done, she too showered and changed. She wore the new pajamas Rachel got her for the holidays. Rachel told her she didn't want to celebrate but that didn't mean she couldn't give her a gift. She gave Rachel something too. It was a simple gift, just some blank sheet music and a new journal nearly identical to the one she was always writing in. Like Rachel told her, she didn't want to make it a big spectacle, but she wanted her to have something to open. She didn't know Rachel did it for appearance sake. Deep down, Rachel really did care. It wasn't all an act, but she had to convince herself it was. It hurt too much to care.

"So how was your time with your family?" Rachel asked as she made her way to sit on the opposite end of the couch Shelby was currently occupying.

"They're your family too."

"Yeah, I know. How was it?"

"It was good. They were happy to see us. But they wanted to meet you and were a little disappointed you didn't come." Rachel ignored that part. She didn't care that they wanted to meet her because she'd just disappoint them too. She couldn't be a failure in anyone else's eyes.

"What did you do?"

"Well, we had a big dinner with a bunch of the rest of our family. They all asked about you too. And the rest of the time was just catching up." As Shelby continued to speak and talk about everything they did and all her family had to say, Rachel, who was barely listening, almost instinctively kept rubbing at her leg, digging her nails into the cuts. She didn't even realize what she was doing until Shelby pointed it out. "Is your leg bothering you?"

"What?" She was paying attention after that. That's when she saw where her hand was. "Oh, no. It's fine."

"Did you clean it?"

"Of course I did." She was being defensive. It was self preservation; a true gut reaction.

"Was it deep?"

"It's fine." Shelby was inching closer and Rachel felt like her space was being invaded.

"Let me see it please."

"No!" She was uncomfortable. Shelby was getting too close to her secrets and she didn't like it one bit. "I mean, I took care of it. I cleaned it. It's not deep and I'm fine."

"Ok… for now." Shelby put her hands up in mock surrender. "Just promise me that you'll come to me if you think it's getting infected or if it's bothering you at all."

"Fine, if that will get you to back off, then I promise." That wasn't the answer she was hoping for. It was obvious she was being placated like a fussy infant, but she had no choice but to take it as it came and move on. What other choice was there?

"I don't want you to do things just to get me to back off. I want you to want to talk to me. And you can. I'm here for you, whatever you need or whatever you're going through. I'm here."

"That's great." Shelby couldn't tell that it was completely laced with sarcasm and disbelief.

"Enough of this. Tell me what you did while we were away. What trouble did you get in?" She was joking of course, but Rachel took it as more of a blow to her already fragile ego.

"I didn't do anything really. I worked on my projects and practiced my dance. That about sums it up."

"Come on, you didn't do anything fun? I won't tell." She was trying to be the fun loving mother but that wasn't working out for her either.

"That's all I did. I stuck to routine." Routine was important to Rachel. Shelby got that, but a part of her was hoping she'd get out of the house and have a little fun. With the exception of dance, school, and the occasional shopping trip, she didn't do much. She just wanted Rachel to feel like the normal teenager she was instead of the pitied semi-orphaned girl she felt like.

"When was the last time you and Kurt hung out together? Why don't you have him over? Or what about anyone else from glee club?" Rachel looked at her funny. How does someone tell their mother, whether estranged or otherwise, that they were a giant loser that was practically hated by their supposed friends? "What about you and Finn? Do you still have feelings for him?"

"Ok, we're not talking about this." She stood from the couch. "I have plans with Kurt later this week."

"What plans?"

"I was going to ask you tomorrow, but now, seeing as you want me to get out a little, I'm assuming it's ok."

"What plans?"

"Saturday night after the dance auditions, Kurt and I were going to join some of the other members for a small gathering and then I was going to spend the night there."

"A party?"

"A gathering, a small get-together."

"Where is it?" Teenagers and parties never ended well. Even Shelby understood that.

"It's going to be at Finn's house. They're moving in with the Hummel's soon, although they practically live their now just haven't moved all their stuff in yet, and wanted to have a last farewell to his childhood home."

"Will there be adults at this party?" She thought about that. There'll probably be a few eighteen year olds. They counted as adults right?

"It's not a party, but I do suppose there will be."

"Then I suppose you can go."

"Thank you. Goodnight."

"Night Rachel." Shelby sank into the couch and pigged out on her favorite ice cream as Rachel sat in her room breaking in her new journal. She dubbed it her song journal. Her other one held some of her greatest creations, but this one would be strictly for public consumption. If anyone found it, she might be a little embarrassed, but she probably wouldn't be shipped off to the Looney bin.

The next day, Shelby informed Rachel about her upcoming doctor's appointment. She put up just enough of a fight to make it believable without giving away her plans to get out of it. Come the day of, she followed through with her well thought out scheme. Shelby wasn't aware of the confirmation call that usually came the day before the appointment, and that worked to her advantage. So when Shelby wanted Rachel to go with her and Beth to the mall, she opted to stay and wait patiently by the phone. When the call came, as expected, Rachel picked up and pretended to be Shelby.

"I'm so sorry. I was going to call sooner, but it must've slipped my mind. I'm going to have to cancel the appointment." The receptionist wasn't thrilled, but she dealt with it, and when she asked whether she wanted to reschedule, Rachel responded, "Not at this time." And then it was the day.

None the wiser, Shelby agreed to let Rachel go to the appointment on her own. She wanted to show Rachel that she trusted her in hopes of strengthening their bond. The trust was misplaced. Rachel left that day yes, and she headed toward the doctor's office, but she didn't turn into that lot. She continued down the street to the park to get in her second run of the day. A little extra exercise never killed anyone.

When she returned, Shelby was waiting for her. She knew what she was in for and expectations were surpassed. Shelby's questioning stated almost as soon as she saw Rachel's face. "How'd it go?"

"Fine."

"Fine? What did he say?" Shelby called him in advance to discuss her concerns. She told him about her continued weight loss even with the amount of food she consumed and he told her it was probably a good idea to get her in as soon as possible. It was a precautionary measure, but he thought it best to play it safe.

"Dr. Cantor said that everything's in working order." She didn't know when she became such a liar, but she realized then that that's all she does. If she didn't like the truth she bent it. If she didn't want the truth out there, she changed it. When did that happen? When did it become so easy that it just rolled right off of her tongue? "I'm more than healthy for a girl my age."

"If I called him and asked him is that what he'd say?"

"Is that what you're going to do?" Worry didn't begin to cover what she was feeling in that moment.

"Maybe." She was hoping for a no. If she called it'd be disastrous.

"Well, that's what he'll tell you, but I'm officially done telling you things when you obviously don't trust me. How can and why should I trust you if it's not a reciprocated feeling?"

"Rachel, don't be like that." It was her duty as a parent to call and validate, but it was also her job to get Rachel to a point where she could open up and trust wouldn't be a factor. If she called, they'd never get there. So until she had a valid reason not to trust her, she'd have to believe what she was told.

The following few days were rather relaxed. Rachel was on her best behavior just sticking to her rituals and hoping she conned Shelby enough to not call the doctor. She hadn't been yelled at, grounded, or dragged to the doctor's, so she figured she did her job and Shelby didn't call. She was feeling bad for avoiding her friends. She sent them texts telling them she was busy and would see them at the party, but the guilt was still there. There was a lot she felt bad about and most of it there was no reason for. A few more cuts were added to her body in that time. Only, none of them were on her leg. She could get away with those. They were healing and Shelby saw her fall, so they had a magical explanation, a happy accident to solve one problem. But she couldn't add more to her leg. She could barely walk after all the dancing and running she did on it, and she needed her legs to be in tip top shape for the try outs. So she moved on to her hips and arms. It was winter. Long sleeves wouldn't be suspicious. It seemed like the best thing to do, and the only way to not get caught.

Saturday came and Rachel was anxious. She was nervous and scared. She felt unprepared and unworthy. And when her name, among others, was called to be judged, those feelings didn't go away. If anything, they only got worse. No matter how good she did, she just couldn't see it. Her eyes betrayed her. She saw flaws were there were none. She saw ugliness where there was beauty. She saw fat where there was merely skin and bone. But, most of all, she felt pressured. No one was pressuring her but herself, but she pressured herself to be good enough for others. At the end of it, she felt devastated. She'd never live up to the ideals and she'd never get the part. Who would want to watch her prance around stage like a whale in a leotard, especially one who couldn't even manage a simple routine? She knew that routine, so why couldn't she nail it?

It was a horrible day, but she deserved it. She deserved all of it. The pain was just there to remind her of that. Each cut that she added to the collection was there to remind her of that. She was worthless. She was a failure. She was nothing. And she deserved it all. The name calling, the bullying, the things she felt… All of it, she deserved all of it. She had no hopes of getting the part or making it anywhere in life. She was a failure. That was all she could see.

She had her pick of ways to blow off some steam. She already bled more than she should have. She already worked out until she passed out. She already binged and purged. The only thing left was to go to that party and just be… Or maybe she'd fail at that too.

Surprisingly, I don't have anything to say this time. Although, I will ask a question. I have a few ideas of how I want Shelby to find out about Rachel, and it won't happen right away, but I want to hear what you want. How should Shelby find out?

Sorry for any and all grammatical or spelling errors.

I hope you enjoyed this chapter. It wasn't my favorite, but hey, whatever. It's out there. Well, until next time…

I want to say that I'm so grateful for all of the wonderful comments. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, and/or added this to their alerts. Don't be afraid to tell me what you think or if there's anything you'd like to see happen.