Ch19: Of Wolfsbane and Quidditch

Does the walker choose the path or the path the walker?
-Garth Nix, Sabriel

...from the beginning of time,
in childhood, I thought
that pain meant I was not loved.
It meant I loved.

Renesmee's heart contorted at the notice on the bulletin board. The next Hogsmeade weekend was on Halloween. Harry couldn't go and she was very close to staying with him so he wouldn't have to suffer alone. Quidditch season was fast approaching. Renesmee had helped Sirius watch Harry practice by showing him where the best places to watch from a distance were. She was spending even more time with the fugitive at night, talking for hours and keeping him company. Food got passed along and into his waiting hands whenever she could manage.

Crookshanks seemingly had made yet another attempt on Scabbers' life, causing discord between Hermione and Ron. In reality, he, too, knew the rat was Peter by now and was doing his part to help Sirius and Reese. She was sure he was part kneazel. Shaking her head at everything, she swept down to the dungeons. Snape was allowing her to assist him, although he was far from needing the aid. She knocked on the door, waiting for a response.
"Enter."

Opening the door, she saw that he was already set up. "This is going to be fun," she remarked in a tone that said anything but. His eyebrows rose, but he said nothing. Seeing his expression, she explained hastily, "Not referring to you, sir, but this is a serious matter and requires complete focus and precision. If I make one mistake, the batch is ruined and this is all for Professor Lupin."
"So glad that you're not under some delusion or reverie," he commented. With an impatient jerk of his head and twitch of his wrist, they began brewing the complicated potion.

When the potion was finally finished, Renesmee watched the blue smoke coming off of it with immense satisfaction. It had taken a few visits, but here it was. "You may take this to him tomorrow," Severus said gruffly as they cleaned up. Renesmee's hands paused in their own cleaning effort. "Thank you."
He refused to look at her as he replaced his equipment. "Look at me when I speak to you, please."
"It is not as if this conversation demands great amounts of attention," he drawled from his current position checking his stores.
"It's not about the bloody merit of what I'm saying, Severus! When you look at someone as they speak, it shows that you're paying attention, that what they say concerns you. I want to know that you respect me...I want to know you still care."
He stopped taking inventory and turned to stare blatantly at her. "What is it you need from me? You demand things of me, take from me, but what do I receive? You're just like everyone else. I'm a convenience."

Reese choked, her throat clamping shut with emotion. So he was hurt, and badly. Who all had mistreated this man and how long had they done so? In the space between breaths she was across the room and hugging him so tightly that at first he was convinced she was determined to crush him in her arms. "I have missed you-so much," she whispered brokenly. "You were my best friend and it hurt so much. But I can't stay mad any longer. I thought it would be a question of forgiving you. Oh, I was mad, mad as hell; I just couldn't understand why you were so awful. But I will go insane if this continues, and I don't care if I have to lie, cheat, steal, or even kill to close this rift and ensure I never lose you."

The silence that followed was dreadful. Renesmee suddenly wanted nothing more than to leave. She hated his cruelty, though in truth it was a defence mechanism and a front. She knew him, and she knew that no matter how much he hated Lupin or Sirius that he never wanted to hurt her. Loosening her arms a bit, she held her breath a while longer. Looking up, she saw that he was staring down at her, unreadable as always. It was as if he, Severus Snape, was at a loss. He was no more pushing her away than he was pulling closer. She almost wished he would push her away, because then at least he would be reacting somehow, not just standing, enigmatic and stoic as ever he was. "Right, well..." she trailed off awkwardly, disengaging the hug and backing away. He made no move to stop her from pulling away, nor did he tell her to leave. He merely became infuriating once more as he busied his hands again, turning only partially away. "I see that there are things we should have discussed sooner," he finally offered quietly. Renesmee let out a shaky laugh. He was absolutely horrible at dealing with emotions. "Let's please agree to disagree."

"Renesmee, you will not often hear me attempt to apologize; do not ruin the moment."
Was that... a touch of humour in his voice?
"Sometimes you act like a selfish child," she delivered bluntly.
"Sometimes you are infuriating, a know-it-all, and a little misguided," he returned, equally frank. Reese couldn't help but grin. He was back, thankfully. If only because she couldn't help herself, she hugged him again briefly, rather awkwardly due to position, before she left.

On Halloween, when she entered the common room, Renesmee saw a rather depressed and dejected Harry heading to breakfast. "We'll bring you lots of sweets back from Honeydukes," Hermione soothed. "Yeah, loads," Ron added helpfully.
"And joke items," Maggie chipped in, a mischievous twinkle in her eyes. "Enough to make Filch thoroughly miserable."
"Don't worry about me," Harry said, failing to hide his disappointment. "I'll see you at the feast. Have a good time."

He went to see them off and Renesmee left to see a certain Professor. Lupin was in his office when she knocked on his door. He opened it himself, peering inquiringly around the edge. "Reese, what a pleasant surprise. Do come in for a spell."
Sitting at the chair in front of his desk, she noticed that there was a tank in the corner. The little horned creature inside the water was staring menacingly at her, long, thin, fingers curling and unfurling. "A grindylow. For our next lesson, I presume?"
"Oh, yes, just taken it actually."
"Your potion will be brought to you a little later."
Lupin nodded in understanding. "I take it Severus expressed his dislike in having to brew it for me?"
"Not at all, don't fret," she said kindly. "It was no trouble. He let me assist him. I've never worked on something quite so challenging."
His eyebrows rose in quiet surprise. "Severus let you work with him? "
"Yes. We're very good friends. If I didn't know better I'd say I was his apprentice, seeing as I go at scheduled times to have extra Potions sessions. I wonder if the idea has ever occurred to him, and if he'll ever ask."
Lupin was about to reply when his eyes glanced over her shoulder. Frowning, he got up and crossed the room. Opening the door and leaning out, he said, "Harry?"

Well shucks, she thought he'd go to the Tower and wait, not mope around like a lost puppy. Standing, she said, "I think I'll take my leave now."
She came out just as Harry doubled back and reached the doorway. "I thought you'd wait at the Tower," she explained apologetically before hugging him, and, much to the surprise of everyone present, kissing him on both cheeks. "Um, later," he said uncomfortably.

Rushing to the dungeons, she met Severus just as he emerged, goblet in hand. "Thought you weren't coming because of Hogsmeade," he said, answering the unspoken question. Her lips quirked into a smile. Severus Snape could be considerate at times, though surely it nearly killed him. She left, and spent the day reading on her bed, only coming down for the feast.

Her eyes kept flickering to the staff table, alternating between Severus and Lupin. She knew her friend was watching him for adverse effects, highly suspicious. Rolling her eyes, she stuffed a few nice tidbits for Sirius into her pockets. She left the Hall with everyone else, but rather than continuing on, she broke away to slip outside. She had found a very useful Charm, the Notice Me Not Charm, and it worked to perfection. Breaking into a dead run, she reached their arranged place in record time.

"Sirius," she hissed into the darkness. "Padfoot! Where are you? I've got some food..."
No answer came, no friendly voice spoke from the darkness. His scent was fresh, but not heavy, so he had recently left, she guessed. Worried, she rocketed back to the castle, reaching the front gates and peeking before entering. She was met with relative chaos, with people everywhere, none of whom noticed her. All the Houses were being shepherded into the Great Hall. Mingling nonplussed with the Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs, she soon found her four Gryffindor companions. Mutterings and whispering were spreading through the crowd like an autumn breeze stirring leaves. They spoke of Sirius Black and some attack on The Fat Lady, guardian of the portal into Gryffindor Tower. Her first annoyed thought was, what had he been playing at? Here she was trying her best to care for him and he was ready to throw all of that away. Feed him, hide him, keep him company. That's all she did and look how he repaid her! Her blood boiled. Oh, the two of them would have words all right, a lot of words, and soon.

That night everyone slept in the Great Hall, with teachers patrolling and searching the premises. For days that was all that the gossip consisted of. The new guardian was annoying and unnecessarily complicated, but willing.

The day before the match, Lupin fell ill, no doubt due to his lycanthropy. Reese practically begged him without hurting her Gryffindor pride to let her stay and tend to him, but he insisted on being alone. "I'm fine, really, and Madam Pomfrey has everything taken care of, all arrangements are set. Sent me a basket she did."
She also knew that Severus would be taking over his lesson in his absence. She was one of the first to arrive. Walking up to him, she muttered loud enough so only he could hear while barely moving her lips. "Do not attempt to expose him, please. I can't take it. If you must mention werewolves, do not make it quite so obvious."
"Miss-," he caught himself just in time. "Renesmee, I shall do as I please."
Brown eyes locked onto black ones as she sighed in defeat, saying wearily, "I know you will. You always have, no matter who it hurt. You will lecture in werewolves, but not vampires, am I correct?"
"What I choose to teach is none of your concern, aside from learning from it," he replied evenly. Reese turned without another word and sat down beside Maggie. Fifteen minutes into class, Harry dashed in. "Sorry I'm late, Professor Lupin, I-"
"This lesson began ten minutes ago, Potter, so I think we'll make it ten points from Gryffindor. Sit down."
Harry didn't budge. Instead, he asked, "Where's Professor Lupin?"
"He says he is feeling too ill to teach today," Severus revealed, his smile making Reese clutch the table edge in frustration. "I believe I told you to sit down?"
Yet Harry still stood. "What's wrong with him?"
Renesmee's eyes closed, as she sat praying he would just drop it and leave well enough alone.
"Nothing life-threatening. Five more points from Gryffindor, and if I have to ask you to sit down again, it will be fifty."
Harry sat. The lesson went on. Severus kept asking questions that were in truth rhetorical but not clearly made so. Reese flinched when he called Hermione an insufferable know-it-all and took points away, and she blanched visibly at Ron's outburst and punishment. His eyes constantly sought her out though the others didn't seem to notice. He wanted her to answer his questions, no one else, but she refused. After dolling out homework, he dismissed them. Renesmee stayed behind, cloaked in the shadows by the door until he was finished giving Ron detention. Ron left on a rage.

As Severus glided toward the door to leave, she detached herself from the wall and stood before him. "Are you a masochist or something?" she asked bitterly.
"Not that I am aware of," he said silkily.
"Then why, Severus?"
"Because the Dark Lord will rise again, and I will get nowhere if I do not know how to act. Aside from the fact that the people around me are safer if they have no...attachments."
"So acting like a rude bastard is what? Protecting us all?"
"I believe that this is a conversation for a later date." He was brusque now.
"Well if you have to act like an arse to save all of our lives, you're doing a damn good job," Reese snapped. She spun to leave but he snatched her arm. "Do you think I enjoy total isolation? This is the life I chose. I would get everyone killed, students, staff, parents, if I wore my heart on my sleeve. I have to play the part, as you should begin playing yours. No matter what we say to each other in front of the crowd, we will never mean it, understand?"
Swallowing, her head bobbed a yes. He was preparing her for what was surely to come. He did care. He just had trouble expressing that because he always had to fight his expressions. She hated the prospect of acting as though she detested him.
"I understand all too well," she said thickly, hugging him just as tight, if not tighter, than the night the Wolfsbane was brewed. He let her hug him, patting her head awkwardly, before shooing her away.

Renesmee woke up two hours before dawn yearning to give Sirius a what-for. There was a storm brewing, but she loved the rain. After getting up and making herself presentable, she snuck outside, using the same charm as cover. When she got to his nest, he was nowhere to be seen. It was raining heavily, but she could still smell him. She tasted the air, following his scent until she found the big black dog crouched over a rabbit; he must have been hunting for food. A pang of guilt caught her off guard. Yes, he had been foolish, but that was no reason to neglect the man. He was starving and lonely, and her face was his only constant. Gulping down the last of his meal, he morphed back into a human being. "Reese I-"
"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT, SIRIUS," she thundered, somewhere between a question and an interjection. He scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "I just wanted to see-"
"The damn match is today! What's it been, one week, two? Are you so hasty, so reckless, that you couldn't wait even that much longer? He's not a mirage. He'll be there! For three more years at least, four if he wants to finish out school! You know good and well that you could have been seen, or worse, killed." A horrible thought suddenly occurred to her, and, shuddering, she added before he could speak, "Or worse yet, they could have found you."

He was shocked into silence. He truly had not weighed his risks. "I want to protect you, Sirius, I really do, but you have to meet me half way and not stick you head on the chopping block on purpose. I can only shield you as long as you let me do so."
He nodded, face pensive as be absorbed her admonishment. "You're a fool, but you're my fool," she said softly as she hugged the wanted man as if she would never see him again. In truth, she might not. He wasn't safe. He was completely thrown, and it was a minute or so before she was hugged back. "Come to the match, but be careful," she warned. "You mustn't be seen, especially not by Remus Lupin. Keep away from any windows or such he may see you from."
"Agreed."

Feeling slightly better, she went to breakfast, then, afterwards, the match.
The wind was strong as it beat against them, breaking umbrellas and whipping them away. Renesmee feared for Harry and the rest of the team as well, hoping against hope that they wouldn't be blown off of their brooms. Thunder beat out a steady rhythm as she climbed into the stands.
The teams met and the Captains shook hands. They mounted their brooms and kicked off at the whistle blast. Harry nearly collided with other players more than once from poor visibility. Reese could have kicked herself knowing she could have charmed his glasses to be waterproof. It grew darker still as the storm threw its fury against the players. Hooch whistled just as a jagged bolt of lightning lit up the sky. Wood had called for a time-out.

Reese was about to stand, surprised when Hermione stood with her. "Where are you going?" She asked the girl.
"Harry's glasses, I was thinking-"
"Impervious?"
"Yes!" she exclaimed excitedly. "They'll repel water!"
"Have at it," Reese said, sitting back down and letting her pass. Hermione came back smiling a minute later and the game commenced.

As she watched, something didn't feel right. A stifling silence was pressing against her eardrums as an icy cold crept over her. She was dewing with sweat even as she froze. To her horror, she saw about a hundred dementors on the field, all looking upward, no doubt at Harry. If she could feel them, she knew he could.

Without a second thought, she leapt up, rushing down the stands. Confused stares met her descent, and she heard someone calling her name, but she didn't stop. Glancing up, her heart plummeted into the pit of her stomach. Just as her foot touched the bottom step, Harry fell. She only just registered the fact that Dumbledore was rushing forward as well. He slowed the fall of the unconscious Harry just before he hit the ground. He turned, furious. He exploded at the dementors. "You have no business in the grounds, roaming around and attacking students. You shall leave at once." Recalling the pure feelings and memories needed, she raised her wand and incanted, "Expecto Patronum!"

The wildcat emerged so gracefully she would have smiled under different circumstances. Looking sideways as her Patronus charge the dementors, she saw that a Phoenix was also present, and that Dumbledore, too, had his wand raised. Their eyes met briefly, and with a nod from her Headmaster, they moved together, his Phoenix Patronus diving among the dementors, clawing and jabbing viciously. They scattered like ninepins. With a wave he summoned a stretcher and levitated Harry on. "Sir-"
"Come if you must," Dumbledore permitted sharply. She was beside him all the way, her Patronus still trailing alongside them as they floated Harry up to the school.

Madam Pomfrey exclaimed sharply when they came through the door, instantly setting to work. Dumbledore watched intently from behind his spectacles. "He'll live," she said tiredly after a fashion. "He needs rest, Headmaster."
"Understood. Miss Cullen, I believe it's our time to leave. You may see him later. First, though, a word in the hall?"
They stepped out, closing the door. Dumbledore peered at her with his piercing eyes. "That was some nice Charm work, Renesmee. I am deeply impressed. I assume that Professors Lupin, Flitwick, or Snape taught you. I commend your teacher on a job well done, whichever Professor it was. It was rather dangerous for you to try tackling those dementors all on your own, but I am glade that you are able to stave them off. Now, run along. I have something I must attend to." He swept off, leaving her feeling proud, but not overly so. She came back with Ron, Hermione, Maggie, and the team when he woke, leaving with the team after gently embracing him, careful of his injuries.

She visited with Ron, Maggie, and Hermione, only leaving at night, where she checked on Lupin before she went to bed. When it came time for him to transform, she waited in the hallway until he was completely through, and then she went back, locked the door, and stayed with him until morning. He was a completely harmless little wolf curled up on the floor, asleep most of the time with Reese petting him. She knew Severus would be furious if he found out, and she knew why.

Renesmee made another trip across the grounds for Sirius, food and drink stashed underneath her cloak as she hurried onward. When she found him in his usual spot, she dropped down at his side.
"You should move. It was foolish to let you linger here this long, Sirius. I'll find you a new place to sleep."
She handed the goods over, watching as he scarfed down the lot of it, leaving nothing. He was still incredibly thin and inexplicably pitiful, but he was better, not so sickly looking. "Thank you again. How is Harry though? Crookshanks couldn't say much and I was hoping-"
"He's better. His broom got smashed by the Whomping Willow, and they lost, but he's okay now."
Sirius sucked in a breath. "He must be disappointed. I wish I could tell him how proud I am, how proud his dad would be. He's a natural just like you said, flew beautifully...can you do something for me?"
Instantly suspicious, Reese slit her eyes as she asked hesitantly, "What is it?"
"Will you send in a request in my writing to use money from my account to purchase him a Firebolt? It's the newest, fastest, model and I know he'll love it...please? It's all I can do in my current situation. Let me help my Godson."
"All right, fine."
And so it was arranged. His conscious was eased, Harry would be ecstatic when the delivery came, Remus was back teaching, and Severus was his self.