Chapter 20

"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing the monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward." C.S. Lewis

Emily felt so relaxed. She hadn't felt that relaxed in years, if she was truthful. There was something about being in JJ's arms that just instantly calmed her. She knew that she needed to be helping them look at the clues they had, but she couldn't. She needed a break. She needed to get away. She needed to find a way to lose herself without running away from them all.

"What are you thinking about?" Jennifer asked her.

"You."

"Seriously?

"No."

"Well, burst my bubble, then," JJ replied.

"I was thinking about you, but I was thinking about how I just want to get away from everything. I want to disappear, but I don't want to disappoint you. I want this all to be over, but I know that until we find out who put the contracts out that it won't be. I want to know that you are safe, but I know that you aren't going to leave me and that puts you in danger. I need to just forget for awhile."

"Then let go."

"I can't."

"Why not?" JJ asked her.

"Because my friends and my daughter are down the hall doing what I should have already been able to do," Emily stated.

"And, what's that?"

"Figure out who wants me dead," Emily said.

"Let us deal with that for awhile, Em. You need to rest. You've been going hard for so long. I think that you've forgotten how to just relax and be."

"I've never been able to just relax, JJ. Have you met my mother? Relaxing was not an option," Emily told her.

"I know, Em. I know. But, just relax now. I'm here. We're here. We are going to help you. So, do me a favor."

"What?"

"Get undressed and get in bed. I'll go tell them that you're gonna take a nap. I'll be back and I'll lay with you."

"Do you think it will help?"

"I think you need to not think for awhile and I think laying down with me will help you do that," JJ explained.

"I'll try anything right now, Jay. I..."

"I know, Em. I know. Just get ready for bed. I'll be right back," JJ told her as she kissed her cheek and left the room.

Emily watched her as she left. She knew that she was right. She needed to find a way to calm down. She needed to relax and just be for a few minutes. She'd been on the run for six months or more. Hell, she didn't even know what day it was anymore. She was in the South and she knew that it was warm. She believed that it was in the Fall, but she wasn't exactly too sure. At the moment though, she actually didn't care.

JJ was only going to be gone for a few minutes. Emily knew that she should change, but she honestly didn't have the energy. She didn't mean to be so angry earlier, either. She knew that she would apologize later. She was just so unlike herself right now. This was worse than when she was Lauren. This was worse than when she was hunting down Doyle and she was dead. She just couldn't think. She couldn't figure out who was after her.

She moved back towards the window. She slowly took her blouse off. As she unbuttoned it, she remembered about all her scars. She wasn't sure if she was ready for JJ to see them all. She knew that out of everyone, JJ was one of the few that had seen the most of them. But, this was different. This was more intimate, more personal, and not at all clinical or part of an investigation.

When JJ came back in the room, Emily was still half clothed and in front of the window again. The curtains were drawn, but her alabaster skin shown in the room with the slight moonlight filtering in. She crossed the room in three or four easy strides and was standing behind her. She raised her hand to touch her back, but hesitated. She didn't want to spook her.

"It's okay. I know you're there, Jay. I always know when your close."

"Did you in Amman?"

"Somehow, yes, I did," Emily said as her head fell forward.

"Why are you so afraid of me, Em? What is it about me that scares you so much? Huh?"

"Because you are the only person that can destroy me completely, Jennifer. You always have been. That is why I left. I was getting too close to you. You are my salvation and my destruction," Emily told her.

This time she didn't hesitate. She reached out for her. She felt a jolt or something when her fingers actually touched Emily's exposed skin. She was warm, but there was a vulnerability to her. It was almost like JJ thought that Emily would break if she touched her too hard. She kept her touch light and soft, caressing her skin.

She stepped closer to Emily. It was almost as if JJ could feel her anxiety and she knew that she could stop it. She got as close to her as she could. Her body melded with Emily's taller frame. She still kept her touch light as her other hand reached out. Both of them were on Emily's shoulders before slowly moving down her arms. The gesture wasn't lost on Emily.

She leaned back into JJ's embrace. There was something so soothing about it that she didn't want to lose. She let her head fall backwards until it landed on JJ's shoulder. They stayed in that position for a few moments, just enjoying the other's company. They didn't need to say anything. They knew. They just knew that they would always be there for each other regardless of emotions, death threats, or terrorists. They would always find their way to each other. They always did.

"Jay..."

"Shh, Emily. You need sleep. Whatever it is you want to tell me, it can wait. Sleep can't. You need to rest. So let's finish getting you undressed and into bed, okay?"

Emily just nodded her head. At this point, she wasn't sure that she trusted her own voice. JJ was just being so caring that she was breaking. All the walls that she'd put up didn't stand a chance against JJ. Maybe in the back of her mind, she always knew that. Maybe it was the reason she pushed her towards to Will in the beginning. She wanted JJ to be happy, even if it wasn't with her. Because she thought that she would never be what JJ needed or wanted. And, when it became too much for her to bear, she fled to England and Interpol to hid behind the walls that she had so carefully constructed as a child.

JJ reached back up to her shoulders and pulled down the straps of her bra. When her hands reached Emily's elbows, they moved back to the middle of her back and she undid the clasp of the bra. Letting it fall forwards, JJ just ran her hands over Emily's back as she admired it. Her bra fell to the floor with no fanfare. Emily's breath hitched slightly at the feeling of JJ's fingertips brushing up and down her spine.

"Jay..."

"No, Emily, just feel. Just relax. Let me take care of you," JJ insisted as she continued to touch.

Emily shook her head. Her body erupted in goosebumps. She was slowly losing her thoughts and she started to smile because of it. Only JJ could make her forget everything and just let go. Only JJ could make her relax. She let her eyes close as she just felt JJ next to her.

JJ moved between her arms and her body with her own arms, reaching around Emily's torso with her hands. She had them flat against her skin, so that they could feel each other entirely. There was no need to deny their attraction. They both knew now. They had acknowledged it to each other.

She splayed her fingers open when she met Emily's flat and toned stomach. She felt her breath hitch again. This time it wasn't just her hands that felt it, but her entire body as they molded to each other. She ran her fingers up and down Emily's front, enjoying the unsteady breath that she was causing. Her fingers stopped when they felt the large patch of puckered, dimpled and rough skin of the scar that Doyle gave her. Emily's hand immediately met hers, to stop her.

"No, Emily. Don't. Just let go. Let go of it all. You've been holding on too long," JJ told her.

Emily shook her head. She hadn't realized what JJ's touch was doing until she felt her own wet and salty tears on her breasts. She didn't remember crying, but now she couldn't stop. The raging emotions in her heart had finally managed to break through and her head wasn't stopping them. Her wall were down and the dam holding back her tears was gone.

"Jay-jay," Emily started.

"No, just feel and let go," JJ demanded as she leaned forward just enough to brush her lips against Emily's shoulder.

It was like a mantra that JJ wasn't going to let her forget. Emily slowly let go and let her body fall back into Jennifer's again. She didn't feel weak in the moment. She felt strong, but she didn't understand it. She could understand that the love and strength of her friends, her daughter, and even her family were what was keeping her together at the point. No matter how much she wanted to fall apart, they were all there to help her pick up the pieces and keep her safe while she was putting herself back together.

JJ's hand traveled further down her torso to the waist of her pants. She wasted no time undoing the button and the zipper. She let her fingers dip in Emily's panties, but just enough to tease. Her fingers came back out and grabbed the edges of the pants pushing them over Emily's too lean hips and towards the ground. When the pants made it to Emily's knees, JJ used her right foot to push them the rest of the way down to the floor.

"Em?"

"Hmm? Oh, I know. Just feel and let go."

"Well, yes, but step out of your pants, darling," JJ stated.

Emily looked down and wanted to laugh. JJ had finished undressing her. She lifted one leg and then other, realizing that JJ was supporting her from behind the entire time. She kicked the pants towards the wall and the window. She didn't care if they wrinkled. She didn't care about anything but JJ at the moment. And, that is when her body finally collapsed. She gave into her wants and desires and her body gave out as she caved in. It could no longer hold her up. She didn't have the strength to fight it anymore. She no longer wanted to fight.

"Em?" JJ asked as she caught her weight.

Emily just shook her head and allowed JJ to push her towards the bed. She waited as JJ got her in the covers. Her head hit the pillow and her body ached. It ached for so many reasons and so many things. Her tears started again and she reached out for JJ, not wanting to be alone anymore.

"Let me change a little and I'll join you," JJ told her as she started to strip out of her outfit.

Emily just lay there waiting. The covers were pulled up to her chin. She was trying to cover everything and hide beneath the blankets. But, in all her wanting to hide and not be seen, she couldn't take her eyes away from Jennifer. She didn't want to. She knew that Jennifer's body was beautiful. It wasn't broken and beaten like hers. She didn't have scars to hide.

But, JJ had scars. She just didn't hide them. She embraced them. She didn't see them as weaknesses, but defining moments in her career. She didn't always like them, but she show them off either.

She pulled off her shirt and dropped in on the floor. Then, she took of her pants. She was glad that they had changed from their earlier outfits. She was also glad that Morgan and Reid were going back to their hotel for their bags. They would stay at the apartment for the time being, taking turns sleeping and working. She knew that Garcia hoped that they would get back to DC or Quantico soon so that she could have her computers to play with. JJ toyed with the idea of calling Hotch and having Kevin pack them up and ship them to her, but it was just an idea at the time. She knew that they could get laptops if they needed more and she was sure that Emily and Aimee wouldn't mind footing the bill.

Once she was similarly undressed like Emily, she got in the bed as well. She moved closer to Emily and hugged her. She hoped that cuddling the older woman would help. What she didn't expect was Emily's hand to find the scar on her side just above her hip. The scar that was similar but so different from her own. The scar that she got from Hastings while she hung in the basement. The electrocution burn scar that reminded her every day why she got up and grabbed her badge and gun. The scar that her want to fight back harder, faster, and more efficiently than before. It was her turning point. It was the day that everything changed for JJ again.

"I hate that you have this," Emily told her.

"It wasn't your fault, Em."

"I wasn't fast enough to get to you."

"You all did your best. I was trying to buy time. I was willing to take it to protect lives. That's what we do, we save lives," JJ told her.

"At our mind's and body's expense," Emily added.

"Do you want to stop hunting the men and women that hurt people?"

"No."

"You know the day I realized how deep in shit I really was?" JJ asked her.

"No."

"The first day I reported to the State Department only to find out that it was a backstop. Oh, I had a legit job there according to my records, but I spent all my time in briefings and learning about Arabic cultures. I had no idea that Strauss had hand picked me for the task force. Neither did Matteo. He didn't meet me until I was in Afghanistan," JJ told her.

"Why did she pick you? Did Strauss ever tell you? Because that was a far cry from the BAU," Emily said.

"Yes, she did. Once while we were in country, she told me that I was selected over you. They chose me because I followed orders. I was good with victims families and I knew how to spin a story to make us look like the good guy. It didn't matter that I didn't speak a lick of Arabic, Pashtu, Urdu, Russian, Farsi, or Dari. It didn't matter because I was going to have a translator. Strauss knew that I had been picking up on profiling from watching all of y'all while we were on cases. I could handle the interrogations and I could read people. I didn't need to necessarily understand them to do that. And, she was right. I could and I did."

"But?"

"But, I didn't realize that I would using that information to worm details from captured women that the CIA and other intelligence agencies had taken in order to get more information on their family members, husbands, sons, fathers, so that we could take them out. We were head hunting, but we weren't paying attention to our own. And, that was our mistake. We were so worried about the enemy we didn't know, that we were looking for the enemy we knew," JJ explained.

"And, you think that I am doing the same thing?"

"I don't know, Em. I am just saying that sometimes we overlook the obvious because it's there. Like the old saying, we can't see the forest for the trees."

"This isn't helping me sleep," Emily replied.

"Sorry."

"Don't be. You're right. We need to look inside Interpol, but I don't know how we are going to get that information."

"Let Garcia worry about that," JJ told her.

"Then what do I get to worry about?"

"Sleep, Aimee, your granddaughter and me," JJ replied.

"God that sounds so weird coming from your mouth," Emily stated.

"What does?"

"Granddaughter," Emily said.

JJ laughed. Emily smiled. It was a moment of levity that they needed. She knew that Emily didn't mind being a grandmother to the tike. She was brilliant with Henry. She also knew that Emily would do anything in the worried for Charlie.

"You're not that old," JJ whispered.

"But, I am grandmother."

"You had a daughter at fifteen. I think you are doing well. Besides she's three. It isn't that big of a deal," JJ stated.

"I'm forty-seven."

"Big whoop, your daughter is thirty and has a three year old."

"I'm so old..." Emily whined.

"No, you aren't."

"I'm getting too old to do this. I wanted a cushy desk job, but no, I had to go out and go undercover again. What the Hell was I thinking?"

"That you liked your job and you missed field work."

"Damn it, woman, I hate when you're right," Emily told her.

"Em," JJ said.

"Yeah?"

"Go to sleep."

"I don't wanna."

"Do it anyway."

"Promise you'll still be here and you aren't a dream this time," Emily stated as she finally relaxed enough to drift off.

"Yes, Emily, I promise that when you wake I'll still be here."

"Good."

"Goodnight."

"Love you, Jennifer. I always have. I always will," Emily slurred as she fell asleep finally in JJ's arms.

"I love you, too, Em. Rest now, darling. Because now that I've got you, I'm not willing to lose you just because someone wants you dead."

"You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened...or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on." Tupac