Switching Places/Eva!

by Greylle and Kender_Sci

DISCLAIMER: Original series belong to someone else.
Chapter 20: My Little Poniel?

"A black obelisk? Really?" asked Ryoji Kaji. "You've got to be kidding me."

The Black Obelisk didn't respond. Fortunately.

Kaji then checked for a door opening switch. After locating one, he closed the door behind him and concentrated on trying to find the hidden door or latch.

It took him nearly five minutes, but then it slid open without much effort.

"Ah," said Kaji, looking through the small window into a bay filled with reddish fluid that had a large cross with a white shape bolted onto it. Okay. Now why have a window looking out at Seriously Creepy there? Not Adam. Lake of blood from that thing? Maybe to gloat in private? I could see Gendo doing that from time to time.

Kaji spent several minutes in thought, then made sure that everything was exactly as he found it before leaving.

Wheels screeched as the car zipped through the streets of Tokyo-3.

"Car 15! I is in Hot Pursuit! Transmitting coordinates."

"Car 38, in transit."

"Car 50, on my way!"

"Car 54?"

"Car 54?"

"Car 54, Where Are You?"

"Car 15, 38 and 50 are en route. Decribe vehicle."

"It's a Daitan Escort, got one of those fancy annie-may kinda paint jobs."

"An Itasha paint job?"

"Looks like Darth Vader though."

"Car 15... You are in pursuit of Darth Vader?"

"That's 'Hot Pursuit' there, Dispatch."

"We have three cars in hot pursuit of Darth Vader."

"Dispatch, I see it too. It just blew through that intersection, did a bootlegger reverse and blew through the same intersection again. And a little girl mooned Car 15 all the way."

Outraged and mostly incoherent spluttering came from Car 15.

"'Little girl'?"

"Dispatch, this is Robinu-san. I got a look at it. Three severely underage girls in the car, no adults spotted."

"How underage?"

"Eight or so I guess. I had to climb a phone pole to get away, they were doing donuts around me."

"Dispatch? Is this situation getting weirder by the minute?"

The great monoliths all fell silent.

Except for one, which managed a holographic sweatdrop.

"05? How did you do that?" asked 03.

"I got an animated emoticon app from the app store," said 05.

"Never mind that," said Lorenz Keele. "Apparently one of the Angels has defected to our side, another has left off the attack on humanity to take over lead guitar in a power metal band, and a third is making like some cutesy mascot character in a manga series."

"You forgot that apparently Gendo's son is not only an exceptional mecha pilot and genetically engineered, but a ninja," said 05.

The monoliths fell silent for a moment.

"Is this situation getting weirder by the minute?" asked 05.

Rei stepped out and addressed the group. "I believe the proper term to use is 'ta daa' in such situations."

Misato had just taken a good drink of beer. It came spraying out in a geyser that left Asuka a great deal more soggy than she had been just a minute ago.

"Gee, thanks," said Asuka, unable to see because the beer to the face had gotten in her eyes.

"Wha wha what are you wearing?!" asked Misato, aghast.

"Ranma is Superman, Asuka fits the Batman or rather Batgirl role, therefore I should go with Wonder Woman," said Rei, currently wearing a Wondergirl costume.

"Here, rinse your eyes out with this," said Ranma, handing her a sports bottle of water.

"What?" asked Misato.

"Not looking," said Ranma.

"That is quite disappointing," noted Rei.

Asuka finished blotting excess moisture from her eyes to turn and regard Rei. "Hmmm. More Wonder Girl than Wonder Woman, but nice cosplay outfit. Except the top is supposed to be red and gold, not blue and gold. How'd you do the metal bracers?"

"I was able to access the metal fabricators that Section Two keeps," said Rei, holding up one arm. "It was actually the simplest part to manufacture."

"No golden lasso or invisible plane, but it's not bad for a first effort," admitted Asuka.

"Gold is somewhat expensive and difficult to acquire in large amounts, and I am uncertain how to proceed on acquiring an invisible plane in any case," said Rei.

"Oh my god, they're getting along," said Misato, her eyes flicking from Asuka to Rei and back.

"I'll freak out later," Asuka promised Misato. "Right now the day has been too weird for me to deal with, so I'm just putting off any reaction until later. Can I get another plate of stirfry? This one got beer in it."

"Right up," said Ranma, already sizzling items in a pan.

"This day is just getting weirder and weirder," said Misato. "What's next? Well, at least it can't get any stranger."

The phone began to ring.

Misato noticed that everyone in the apartment, including Penpen, was now giving her a particularly flat look.

"Eh heh," said Misato, not actually chuckling but saying those two syllables. "Uhm. I better get that."

It had all the fascination of a train wreck, Ranma decided. Not because he was currently sitting on the bench of a train opposite Rei and Asuka. No, it was that the manga was so horrible that one just couldn't look away from it.

Such was the manga "Shinji 1/2" and Ranma decided very quickly that he was pretty much stuck in the Eva-verse. After all, what would happen if he went back and found himself dealing with situations like this. Especially the "Princess Shinji" arc. The "Girl Magnet" arc might look amusing, but then came the "Hot Springs Of Confession" arc. No, no, that would not do. At all. Ever.

The rescue of Konatsu from the "Tea Shop Of Terror" was worse than Ranma remembered. In fact, from what Ranma remembered, it had been more like the "Tea Shop Of Tacky" or something like that.

"Ugh," managed Ranma.

"If the series is that bad, why are you reading it?" asked Asuka, preparing to say something about Ranma being a moron or a masochist.

"It's so horrible it makes facing the kaiju seem tame," said Ranma absently, turning a page and making a face at the fate of poor dumb Shinji.

"Huh," said Asuka, pondering the idea of facing distasteful things in order to handle other distasteful things. Of course, she didn't find fighting the angels (or kaiju, whatever) to be all that bad. "Just watching your expression makes it kinda amusing. How could it be that bad?"

Ranma deliberately shuddered, then turned the manga so that Asuka could see the page in question.

Asuka stared for a moment, her mind trying to process the image and accompanying text. "I'm not sure what those kanji are."

"Which ones?" asked Rei, raising an eyebrow.

"The short haired girl who has apparently ripped the sink off the wall and is now beating on the wimpy-looking boy with it," said Asuka, pointing. "Japanese comics sure are weird."

"Ah, that is 'role' in this case she's asking him if he's so eager to be 'uke' to her." Rei noted that Ranma twitched several times and looked a little green about something. And he'd just dropped the book.

"What's an 'uke'? Like ukelele, those little guitar things?" asked Asuka, frowning as she grabbed the manga before it could hit the floor.

"Ugh," said Ranma.

"Ah, as to that," said Rei.

"Gee, this is our stop," said Ranma, slipping out the open window and flying off.

"The train hasn't even stopped yet," protested Asuka.

"It appears that Ranma is not interested in yaoi," noted Rei.

"Is that bad?" asked Asuka.

"No, that's good," softly replied Rei.

"So this yaoi-stuff is bad?" asked Asuka.

"It apparently has a market niche, so some would consider it good," answered Rei.

"Huh," said Asuka, putting the manga into her backpack. She'd just research it later on. If nothing else it might help her learn this damn kanji stuff.

"They didn't get flat tires in the game," pointed out Ree-1.

"Well, pooh," said Ree-2.

"Understandable as the stress on the tires was entirely outside the design specs," offered Ree-3.

"So what else can we do?" asked Ree-1, walking up to the half-wall of the parking garage and looking out at the city.

Ree-3 looked over the dented and scraped car. "I could try converting this vehicle into a suit of power armor. Does anyone have any duct tape?"

"No, no duck tape," said Ree-1.

Ree-3 didn't bother to correct 1. She was playing the smart one for now, though they might switch roles later on. Besides, she had absolutely no idea why duct tape was necessary when it would require a full scale set of fabricators and parts they didn't have to convert the vehicle.

Ree-2 pointed. "Lookit. Lookit. We could go there!"

"Ah," said Ree-1. "The JSDF is recruiting."

"All three of us could play the 'mad scientist' role," suggested Ree-3.

"Oh, I wanna be the cute one," said Ree-2 with a pout.

"Dovahkiin, Dovahkiin, naal ok zin los vahriin,
Wah dein vokul mahfaeraak ahst vaal!
Ahrk fin norok paal graan fod nust hon zindro zaan,
Dovahkiin, fah hin kogaan mu draal!"

Fuyutsuki cut the music off on his monitor, frowning as he looked over the police record. Why the Magi supercomputers had flagged it for him was obvious. The places and times matched entirely too much with the flickering AT fields that had been detected the night before.

"Vice Commander?" said an orderly.

"Yes, Honda isn't it?" asked Fuyutsuki.

"The spy took the sample of Ranma's genetic tissues," said Ryo Honda. "According to best guess, it should be there later today."

"The real one or the fake one?" asked Fuyutsuki, wanting to confirm earlier statements.

"The fake one marked 'Ranma Ikari genetic sample' not the real one marked with Misato's name."

"I see," said Fuyutsuki. "Very well. Carry on."

Ryo paused for a moment. I couldn't have heard what I thought I heard, could I? The Vice Commander couldn't possibly be on the Elder Scrolls MMO. No. Must have been hearing things.

"The genetic sample from Ranma Ikari has arrived and is undergoing analysis, initial results are... intriguing," said the monolith marked "05."

"Good, nothing must be allowed to interfere with Instrumentality, but something making sense of recent events would be appreciated," smoothly stated "03."

"What happened?" asked the guard.

"Three little girls came up to the gate, asked if this was the JSDF secret elevator, and then one of them took pictures of the other two doing sentai poses."

Guard #1 blinked at the one currently manning the security post in front of the door. "We have a secret elevator?"

"Not that I know of," admitted Guard #2. "If we do, then it would follow that I'm not high enough level to know about it."

"Someone confusing us with MI6 maybe?" asked Guard #1, sitting his thermos and lunchbag under the counter.

"Maybe. Might be one of those TV shows where they have giant robots running around, that'd explain the posing," said Guard #2. "They never let things like accuracy or consistency bother them when they're writing the stuff."

"Ain't the 'Jet Alone' thing a giant robot?" asked Guard #1. "I suppose that qualifies."

"Oh, they scrapped that. Don't know why, other than something got the higher-ups in a tizzy," said Guard #2.

"Did you hear something in the air duct just now?" asked Guard #1, looking at the grate in the ceiling.

"Been a little chilly lately, they're probably working on the heat," said Guard #2. "It'll be nice if they get it going tonight."

The scientist came bustling into the headquarters. "What's going on? I got the emergency page."

"Jet Alone is being scrapped," said one of the others, handing off a clipboard.

"What? How could they... oh this is bad," said the newly arrived scientist on seeing what was on the clipboard.

"Anonymous dropoff, signed 'a friend' but indications are that it came from a public access terminal near NERV's central rail exit," said the second scientist.

"Pass codes, security precautions, firewall specs, operational... even I'm not high enough level to see all this," summed up the scientist.

"Right," said the second scientist. "Major security breach right there. Now check out the second packet."

Flipping back through the stack, the scientist looked it over and when he realized what he was looking at - it was obvious. "Whoa."

"Yeah," said the other scientist. "Outwardly looks like something the JSDF would use in a Gojira film. It'd be a lot more effective though. Not able to take on a kaiju by itself, but very well built for support fire. Even useful for crowd control and infrastructure repair with the right mods."

"What about the power source?" asked the first scientist.

"Page 653," said the second scientist.

The first scientist turned to that section and nearly dropped the clipboard.

"Yeah, that was my reaction too," said the second scientist.

Washu/Rei/Yui plugged in her recently acquired laptop to let it recharge, sat back on the bed, and smirked to herself.

Everything indicated the bait had been taken, and things were moving in the direction she wanted.

Now, if she could just remember what niggling little detail she'd forgottten. She knew there was one, it being one of those "on the tip of one's tongue" sort of feelings.

It was truly quite troublesome.

Soon the "Jet Alone" project would be scrapped and instead the JSDF would begin an accelerated program to produce the MBT-92.

"WHY are we scrapping Jet Alone?!"

The lead scientist adjusted his glasses. "You're not an idiot. Stop acting like one."

"What?!"

"You have sufficient clearance to know what this means. Because this 'friend' just demonstrated that our major rivals have all the plans and the security accesses. If we change the codes, so will NERV. Someone VERY high ranking is either a mole or otherwise compromised. Until we find them, we can't simply continue on."

"But..."

"And we STILL don't know how to generate the AT Field," pointed out the team lead, cutting off the junior. "With that, and not counting the design flaws our 'friend' pointed out in Jet Alone, we've got major roadblocks on OUR giant robot program."

"But..."

"And that doesn't even get into those design flaws, how all the various engineers and system specialists like yourself MISSED all these," the lead threw his hands up in the air and seemed to be beseeching the heavens for an answer.

"Testing of beam cannon in 3, 2, 1," said a tech who'd been silent and in the background all this time. "Looks good. Beginning capacitor charge for next test."

"'Test'?" asked the one scientist. "'Beam cannon'?"

"Beam cannon for the MBT-92," said the lead. "We have to make up for time squandered on Jet Alone. Stupid name for a giant robot anyway."

"MBT-92?" asked the scientist.

"Your new assignment. We're saving millions by using the frame from large cranes, a tank engine, and wheel designs from farm tractors." The team lead shrugged. "It's also speeding up production considerably. The main thing is the capacitors, beam cannon, and remote driving control. You're working with the team on the remote driving control. We need this operational within a month."

"But..."

"Besides, once we've got that operational it'll serve as a show piece to investors and we'll be at least able to harass invading kaiju THEN we can ignore our 'friend' and build... this!"

The new head of remote-driving tried not to wince at the Dramatic Reveal and simply took in the details. Three pilot seating. Lasers. Armor plating. A detail moved on the screen, slightly to the right, and the airconditioning system was uprated as he watched.

"Who's designing this anyway?" asked the remote-driving head scientist.

"Ah, we should put in a mini-fridge here," said Ree-1.

"Indeed, hydration is important," agreed Ree-2.

"Sir, you're letting little girls design a war machine worth at least a percentile of the GDP?" asked a technician.

"Can you design a palladium reactor?" asked the director.

"Uh, no," admitted the tech.

"Can you design megawatt lasers?" asked the director.

"Not so much," admitted the tech.

"How about a refractory coating that's ten times more resistant to heat than anything we've currently got?" asked the director.

"I begin to see your point, sir," admitted the tech.

"Good, your job is now to see to it that our new consultants are provided whatever they need," said the director.

"But isn't this against child-labor laws?" asked the tech.

"Save the world first, worry about lawsuits later," said the director, waving away the point. "Besides, they snuck into a top secret facility and started work without any prompting from us. We can press legal action of our own if necessary. We'll compensate them as soon as their responsible party is found."

"Got any yogurt?" asked Rei-3 in the following silence. "I saw a commercial. It looks most tasty."

"Now," said the Professor, closing the book shut with a snap that woke about half the class. "Question. Mister Ikari."

"Snxxxxxxxxx," snored Ranma Ikari.

The teacher threw an eraser.

Ranma caught the eraser.

"Snxxxxxxxx," continued to snore Ranma.

The teacher threw the other eraser.

Ranma dropped one eraser, caught the new one, and dropped it exactly on top of the other eraser.

"Snxxxxxxxx," snored Ranma some more.

The teacher threw a piece of chalk, his book, and a plushy Totoro. Then blinked as he had no idea where that had come from and those were worth serious money post-Impact.

"Snxxxxxxx," snored Ranma as he blocked the chalk, caught the book, and used the book to deflect the plushy.

Rei stared at the Totoro that had landed in her lap and considered all the possible responses she could make to such an event.

"Snxxxxxx," snored Ranma again.

"You know," said the teacher, adjusting his glasses. "Despite him sleeping in class, that's mildly impressive and keeping with his reputation as a ninja giant-robot pilot."

"Uh huh," agreed most of the class.

"Even when he's asleep he's showing off," grumbled Asuka, slumping at her desk.

Sandalphon stirred.

Things had changed. Destiny shifted.

Yet Sandalphon still slept deep within a volcano, stirred about by the currents.

Something not-natural impinged on developing senses by adding a faint pressure wave from its own movement, disrupting the natural rhythm of the flow.

It didn't matter and soon perished under the heat and pressure that was entirely natural.

Sandalphon continued to develop in its embryonic state. Soon it would rise and fulfill destiny.

"You didn't know that? Vice Commander Fuyutsuki used to play RPGs a lot."

"He... doesn't seem the type."

"What's the type? You should see my level 90 freetrader on Diaspora 2400. Patterned his visuals off of Sephiroth from an old Final Fantasy game, even though Diaspora is a space-based trade and ship-to-ship PvP game."

"YOU?!"

"Yeah, even got the phone app so I can monitor my sales during the day."

"But you..."

"Have no sense of humor? All business? Yeah, pretty much in the game too - I'm known as pretty ruthless. But yeah - Fuyutsuki used to play some pre-Impact MMO. One of the ways he knew Yui Ikari as something other than one of his mass of students. Other thing was she was freaking brilliant. I knew 'em both way back then. One of the reasons I work here, I think."

"That's so weird."

"Nah. Think about it. Fuyutsuki is mainly known as Gendo's lapdog, second in command, chief flunkie, bottle-washer. Has damn little that isn't under scrutiny twenny-four and seven. It was either something like this or he'd be a heavy drinker. Heck, I hear he even still has some of his old game systems and most of the Final Fantasy series as collectibles."

"What are you doing, Wondergirl?" asked Asuka.

Rei had gotten up, leaving the Totoro plushy grinning on her desk. "Ranma must wake up. In my research, I discovered the proper method for a girlfriend to waken her boyfriend."

The room grew completely silent.

"WHAT?!" squealed/yelled most of the girls present.

"I knew it," said Toji, nodding.

"Yeah, it makes sense," said Kensuke.

"Well, I don't think that makes ANY sense at all!" declared Asuka.

"Well, they're both pilots," said Kensuke, adjusting her glasses with one hand. "They're staying together. He's a ninja hero slash giant robot pilot out to save the world. Developing a relationship with one of his co-pilots was only slightly less likely than with one of the bridge crew."

"You've been on that damn website too, haven't you?" asked Asuka.

Rei had reached Ranma by this point, and was considerably more red in the face than usual. Nonetheless, there was no hesitation as she reached gently down, turning Ranma's face slightly up.

The teacher just sat down, threw his hands up and shook his head. "Honestly, they don't pay well enough for this sort of thing."

Her head slowly descended, her eyes open because she couldn't figure out why the girls closed their eyes in those videos.

She did notice when Ranma's eyes abruptly shot open. She also noticed when Ranma managed to go from sitting at his desk to all the way outside the window.

She also noted the scream of utter terror.

"That scream didn't sound very much 'ninja hero'," noted Toji.

"Can we get back to the lesson?" asked the teacher, his voice appropriately dry.

Ding dong ding dong

"Never mind," said the teacher, dropping his head to his own desk. "Just get going before I come up with punitive homework assignments over the class trip."

Sandalphon stretched, growing within the chrysalis. Had things remained as they had been, it would have altered to become more fishlike.

As had Shamshel though, the original path was no longer being followed.

Settling deep into its volcanic womb, it continued to develop in heat and pressure that destroyed the probes sent to observe it directly.

Those above had to be satisfied with radar mappings.

"Class trip?" asked Asuka as people gathered in front of the school.

"Yeah, I hear it's Okinawa this year," said Toji. "Man, that'll be great!"

"I thought Okinawa would be submerged," said Asuka. "Didn't sea levels rise worldwide after Second Impact?"

"Well, most of it WAS submerged and the tidal waves pretty much wiped everything off the map," admitted Kensuke. "The sections above water are mostly rebuilt and the submerged sections are kinda an animal sanctuary now. It HAS been fourteen years after all. Nowadays 'Okinawa' just means the surviving sections of the Ryukyu Islands."

"Oh," said Asuka. "Well, that'll be kinda nice I suppose."

"It is unlikely you'll be able to go," said Hikari. "Giant robot pilots."

"WHAT?! That's an outrage!" said Asuka. "I could get a new swimsuit and impress Kaji with it!"

"You mean 'impress Ranma'?" asked Kensuke slyly.

There was a large whacking noise as Asuka indicated her displeasure with that concept.

"Leave me outta this," said Ranma, pushing up from the ground so that he was hovering a good body length in the air. "Later. Gotta practice."

"You know," said Kensuke, retrieving her glasses from the ground. "Getting used to that sort of thing isn't nearly as hard as getting used to being a girl."

"It's weird from the other side of things too," noted Toji.

"Show off," said Asuka, watching Ranma fly off.

"You mean you can't do that yet?" asked Kensuke.

"I have better uses for my time," said Asuka.

"I heard the trick about flying is that you have to throw yourself at the ground, and miss," mused Kensuke aloud.

"I do not honestly believe that would work," said Rei softly.

"Well, if you still need help with your kanji, Asuka, I can help," offered Hikari.

"Thanks! I'll take you up on that and we can leave Abbott and Costello behind," stated Asuka.

Toji glanced at Kensuke as the two walked off. "Which one of us is Abbott?"

"Why Abbott and Costello?" asked Kensuke.

"Don't mind her, she's tsundere," said Rei in her usual quiet and emotionless voice.

"Oh, point," said Kensuke.

"I heard that!" called out Asuka.

"So, is it a kaiju?" asked Misato.

"No idea, right now it's just a solid lump on radar maps, but one whose size has changed," said Satsuki, going over the data on her computer. "Perfect ovaloid."

"So what about sending down a probe?" asked Misato.

"It sunk deeper after the first probe, now we don't have anything capable of taking that pressure and heat," said Satsuki, bringing up the data on that. "It's molten rock, not water, so penetrating it is a bit more difficult and its really not transparent enough to see details even if you got up close."

"Maybe Ranma could fly down and take a look," mused Misato out loud.

"Molten rock," repeated Satsuki.

"Eh, I'll ask him. Maybe he's got a ninja technique for it," said Misato.

"Uhm, yeah, actually I do," admitted Ranma. "I don't think it's up to SWIMMING in lava."

"Meh, it was a thought," said Misato.

"Okay... REI?!"

"What?" asked Rei, coming into the room.

"That's NOT how you wear makeup," said Misato. "Unless you're planning a career as a circus clown."

"I performed the procedure incorrectly?" asked Rei.

"Yeah, pretty much," agreed Misato, taking the girl by the shoulder and turning her around towards the bathroom again. "Less is more."

"Isn't that against the laws of physics?" asked Rei.

"Around Ranma, who's going to notice a little of that from you? No, seriously. Let me show you how it's done."

In the depths of the lava, there was Sandalphon. Had nothing changed, it would have been a thing of Power with no intellect. A creature of depths and pressure and heat that would have faced the Evangelion units in that volcano where it gestated.

Things HAD changed though. And so it was a different path that Sandalphon followed.

Slowly, gaining definition bit by bit, Sandalphon ascended.

Ranma had tried some of Misato's cooking the day he'd arrived in this new place. Since then, he'd ended up taking over many of the kitchen duties out of a sense of self-preservation.

Misato's cooking wasn't quite at Akane's level, as she wasn't angry or self-absorbed when cooking. That was a long way from saying it was any good as she usually combined instant meals into something that might be considered edible if you were truly starving.

Ranma HAD considered the possibility that Misato's lack of cooking skills had been a deliberate act in order to get out of cooking. If so, she was a rank amateur compared to his real father who had managed to become a master of Dodge Responsibility Fu.

Rei liked his cooking, as long as he cooked all meats seperately and then just added meat to the portions others ate. Asuka made a few comments about the taste but ate anyway. As Asuka was more used to a European-style diet, that could be expected. Misato's taste buds were suspect and she tended to accompany everything with beer anyway.

"This is great!" chirped Makie.

"Err, thanks," said Ranma as he settled himself down with his own plate.

"It's not bad - for Japanese food," admitted Asuka, sounding as if the comment were being forced out of her.

"Ah, I'd forgotten what a Japanese diet actually tasted like," said Kaji, sounding a lot more enthusiastic.

"I wanted to make something," said Rei quietly. "In the source materials, the girl is supposed to cook for the guy."

"Don't worry about it," said Misato, using one beer-clutching hand to wave away the point. "The best chefs are usually guys anyway, just go to a restaurant or something and you'll find guys all over the kitchen."

"Besides, Wondergirl," said Asuka. "No offense, but the one time you tried to make a bento lunch - most of it was bland except the rice balls. Ghost Peppers do not make a good filling. Ever."

"Duly noted," said Rei, who'd gotten the basic idea after Asuka had stuck her head in the sink and started trying to drown herself if the way she'd been inhaling water had been any indication.

"So, what's the plan?" asked Ranma. "This school trip thing?"

"Not happening, not going," said Misato.

"WHAT?!" began Asuka.

"You honestly think that we're leaving Tokyo-3 defenseless so you can cavort around in the sun?" asked Misato.

"Not fair," grumbled Asuka.

"I'm sure that Ranma and myself would be more than capable of dealing with any kaiju attacks," said Rei.

"Yeah!" said Asuka, brightening for a moment before glaring at Rei. "Nein!"

"Not happening," said Misato. "If anything happened to Unit 01 or Unit 00, we'd need you here. Besides, I've seen your grades. Ranma, are you even trying?"

"Meh," said Ranma, shrugging. "Save the world first. Do makeup tests later if it comes to that."

"While I can't say much for your academics, you do have your priorities," noted Kaji.

"Well, I'm going to cut off your videogames if you don't bring those grades up!" threatened Misato.

"When have I ever played video games?" asked Ranma.

"That's beside the point," countered Misato.

"Oh," said Ranma, who then shrugged. "Oh dear. Whatever shall I do with my time? I might have to spend extra time training in the martial arts or doing Eva combat simulations. Oh boo hoo."

Asuka nodded to Ranma. "You know, if you could put a little more sarcasm in your tone there - you could weaponize that."

"Hmmm," hmmmed Ranma. "Voice based fighting techniques? Snarky fu? That might..."

"Ranma. Don't. Seriously don't." Misato shook her head. "If you tried using that around Ritsuko, she might snap completely. Yesterday she had snuck away from Maya and was smoking two cigarettes and drinking espresso. Didn't work out at all well."

"Is that why Doctor Akagi was choking?" asked Rei.

"Yeah, swallowed one cigarette and got the other stuck to her tongue," said Misato, shaking her head again.

"That was actually fairly amusing," remembered Asuka.

"She started choking and snorted espresso out of her nose," stated Misato, frowning at the end of the statement at Asuka.

"I repeat," said Asuka. "That was fairly amusing."

"Just don't let the crazy doc-lady hear you say that," said Ranma. "You hear those rubber gloves getting snapped and then the vengeance starts."

"Ah, you've noticed," said Misato.

"Kinda hard not to, with the crazy laugh and all," observed Ranma.

Sandalphon decided the time was now, and immediately shifted from embryonic form to a different form. Still in the depths of the volcano, uncaring of the lava surrounding it, it began to move towards its target destination.

Ranma would not recognize it from the viewing of Evangelion as it had been. The situation had changed, the rules had changed, and so too had Sandalphon.

There was a volcano in Japan, simmering lava since Second Impact had awakened it.

So when it blew up - it was unexpected but there weren't a huge number of people nearby.

There were also redundant systems so that communication was only lost for about fifteen minutes.

"-and contact! We have connection with the control room of Mount Asama Volcano Observatory," said Aoba, checking various connections.

"Uhhh," said Makoto Hyuga. "Are you sure that's what you got?"

"Eek," said Maya Ibuki.

"Why, what are..." Shigeru Aoba looked up at the main screen. "Wha?"

"You didn't get a porn channel did you?" asked Fuyutsuki, sounding quite vexed.

"No! I don't understand this," confessed Shigeru as he checked connections.

"Look at the background and not the inappropriate behavior in the foreground," said Gendo Ikari in an irritated tone. "That IS the control room for the Center."

"What the heck is going on?" asked Shigeru.

"Ain't it obvious?" asked Makoto.

"Well, WHY then. Why is everyone... doing that?" asked Shigeru.

"Not looking. Absolutely not looking," indicated Maya, who had apparently covered her face at some point.

"Simple. The Angel is somehow responsible," said Ritsuko, frowning at the antics onscreen.

"Switching to external cameras," said Shigeru, glad of something else to focus on. Pictures of countryside began flicking on, replaced with similar ones, replaced finally with...

"Oh, that is just WRONG," indicated Shigeru.

"Agreed," said Ritsuko.

"Seconded, thirded," said Makoto.

"No argument," said Fuyutsuki.

Gendo considered the image on the screen briefly. "For the first time, I am considering officially renaming the Angels to 'Kaiju' in this instance."

"It's a Hentai Tentacle Monster," said Shigeru, figuring SOMEONE had to say it.

"Magi agree, Pattern Blue. Codenamed Sandalphon," said Ritsuko, not wanting to argue while something like that was on the main screen. "And can someone change the bloody picture!"

"All right! My chance to shine at last!" said Asuka enthusiastically as she strode towards Eva-02. "Just stand back and watch me work!"

"Is THAT the kaiju?" asked Rei, stopping in her own strides forward to point to a display.

"Well, of course it would be the..." Asuka glanced in that direction, slowed to a stop, and went absolutely silent.

"Ick! Is that some sort of slime it's dribbling below it?" asked Ranma.

"Uhm, change of plans," said Asuka. "Ranma. You're on point."

"ME?!" asked Ranma. "Why me? You're the one who wanted to go on the offensive here."

"It's a mass of suggestively shaped wiggling tentacles with a slimy goo," said Asuka. "I've only got the axe and a progressive knife. I'm going hand-to-hand with that? I don't freaking think so."

"Hmmm, what tropes are involved here?" asked Rei, pulling out her smartphone.

"Who CARES what... actually, what tropes ARE involved here?" asked Asuka, starting out outraged and sliding into speculative as she went.

"I can't tell, there's security blocks in place," said Rei, who might have sounded faintly disappointed but it was such a slight tell that Asuka couldn't be certain.

"Well, not important anyway," said Asuka. "Anyway, go ahead Ranma. We'll follow at an appropriate distance and provide covering fire."

"Uh huh," said Ranma, considering the two girls. Then he just shrugged and got on with it.

"Preparing defenses, elevators taking the Evangelion units to the edge of the city, monitoring kaiju's progress," said Shigeru.

"Angel!" corrected Ritsuko.

"Look, it passed over that area and it looks like some people didn't make it to the shelters," said Shigeru.

"Is the fluid dripping off the kai... Angel responsible for this?" asked Makoto. "Just saying - if it IS and we can bottle it - we'll never have a budget shortfall. Ever."

"First we defeat Sandalphon, then worry about clean-up," said Gendo, his voice indicating a certain amount of reproach.

"Sorry sir," said Makoto. "Evangelions are arriving at city edge. With the projection of Sandalphon's course, it looks like it will pass near the power outlets at point 38-B."

"Very well," said Gendo.

"Commander! Movement in the streets," said Shigeru, changing monitors. "What is that?"

"Didn't I see that in a Gojira movie?" asked Makoto.

"Prototype in place," said one of the scientists.

"Robot vehicle MBT-92 prototype is ready for testing against the kaiju," announced another scientist.

"Kaiju is... is that a hentai tentacle monster?" asked the first scientist.

"Okay, THAT is seriously creepy," said another scientist. "It's kinda yaoi too, the way it's moving around and-"

"That's enough of that," said practically every other scientist in the room, who really did NOT want to hear the rest of the description.

"You know, I think this one is actually more concerning than the attack of Asuka's panties," said the first scientist.

"That reminds me, I've got to send an e-mail to Doctor Akagi over at NERV," said the project head.

"Doesn't she hate the JSDF and everything we stand for?" asked one of the other scientists.

"Yes, and I make sure that in every interview I give I use the term 'kaiju' to describe these attackers," said the project head. "It irritates the hell out of her."

"Ah, that explains why the term is catching on so much," agreed a scientist.

"Well," said the first scientist. "That and we're Japanese. There's the whole politeness concept - and insulting three major religions by calling attacking giant monsters 'Angels' just kind of goes against the grain."

"It appears to be ignoring our attacks," said the second scientist, sounding quite disappointed. "All we've managed is an 8% decrease in speed."

"Well, that's something at least," said the project head.

Ranma stood in Unit 01, aware of Unit 00 and Unit 02 behind him. Power cords were connected, weapons were readied.

Why did he have a feeling the situation was going to go completely FUBAR?