HAPPY BIRTHDAY GAARA! So yeah, short little chapter in honor of everyone's favorite panda-kun!

PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS CHAPTER. I'm not joking, it's just not right. After the warning, you really should stop reading. The first half isn't bad, but after that, it's just not right. You will lose IQ points and any sanity you might have had from reading after my mid-chapter author's note.

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Birthday Chapter
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"The dance is tomorrow."

"Really? We hadn't noticed," was Tenten's response.

"But you don't understand," Ino said.

"What doesn't she understand, because I don't think I do either," Akimoto asked.

"Forehead-chan, the girl we all put up with for reasons unknown, is not officially going to the dance, with Sasuke-kun."

"Give it a rest Ino-pig," Sakura said, shaking her head.

"Explain to me why I'm here," Gaara said.

"Because, you and Sasuke-kun think alike," Ino explained. "You're both emotionally constipated, have a strange need to kill people, and are madly in love with a strange and extremely creepy girl."

"I'm the only one in this room she hasn't called strange or creepy," Tenten said, sharpening a kunai.

"I'll take offence to it later," Akimoto said, eyeing the pointy object that seemed to be begging her to throw it at someone—er thing…

"I'm not madly in love with anyone," Gaara stated.

"She won't believe you, just give up," Sakura stated.

"Now, Gaara… Gaara-san… Gaara-kun… panda-kun… chibi-panda-kun…" Ino said, just listing off ways to say his name, wondering why she wasn't dead yet.

"It sounds creepy when someone other than Akimoto-chan calls him Gaara-kun," Tenten pointed out.

"Chibi-panda-kun? Where did you come up with that?" Akimoto asked.

"I think that chan would work better in this case," Sakura said.

"Chibi-panda-chan… it does sound better…" Ino agreed.

"I know a better animal though," Sakura continued. "It also starts with a 'p'…"

"But we're getting sidetracked. Gaara, we need to know exactly how your mind works."

"It starts with sand," Gaara said slowly. "Then there's you," he nodded in Ino's direction. "Then there's sand creeping towards you. Then there's you completely covered in sand. Then there's your guts flying everywhere as the sand tightens around you, slowly crushing you."

"You just had to ask…" Akimoto muttered.

"Ino, recite rule number 15 of being in this group," Tenten commanded.

"Fine… let's see… 'Never, under any circumstances, ask Gaara what is going on in his mind, because not everyone wants to know'. But I think it's a stupid rule."

"I didn't know we had rules," Gaara mentioned.

"No, you don't have rules," Sakura explained. "But Tenten-chan gave Ino and me a list of things we weren't allowed to say or do…"

"Though… I'm pretty sure…" Ino started

"Rule four…"

"But we don't listen…"

"Ever."

"Stupid rule…"

"If you know…"

"Exactly!"

"Do I even want to know what rule four is?" Akimoto asked.

"Rule four… rule four… oh yes 'no speaking two or less words at a time, it freaks everyone else out'." Tenten answered.

"How many rules are there?" Akimoto asked.

"20, and maybe someday they'll be listed in another story along with an explanation of Sakura-chan's hair color and Gaara's eye, but they shan't be in this one."

"What are you talking about?" Gaara asked.

"Since when do you say shan't?" Ino added.

"Just tell her so that she'll shut up," Sakura was heard. She handed her phone to Ino, who began talking on it, everyone else briefly wondered weather anyone was actually on the other end of the phone line.

"Sasuke-kun thinks I need a life, and says that if anyone talks to him about the dance again, then… well… I'd rather not repeat that."

Dark looks were exchanged.

Now, for all of you readers (and reviewers, for those who don't review will have their eyes taken out by penguins with sporks), this is the part where I run out of things to say and typically stop writing for about a month. It is around then when I suddenly remember that I had part of the chapter typed and should probably finish. But since I'm only writing this because it is Gaara's birthday, I'm forcing myself to continue writing to have this posted on time. I'm not even sure why I'm updating when I could just write a oneshot in honor of this wonderful occasion, but I am. Now, enough of my mindless babbling, this is the part of the story where all people who have an ounce of sanity left stop reading or that sanity will surely leave them. The rest of this is terribly OOC and just plain weird in all ways imaginable. PLEASE! I'M BEGGING YOU! STOP READING NOW! You have been warned.

"I have the sudden urge to scream 'Everlite' as loud as I can…" Ino said.

"Gaara looks like a cross between a panda and a deranged serial killer…" Tenten thought out loud.

"That's because he is," Akimoto said solemnly.

"It's true," Ino and Sakura said, sounding like the little alien dudes off of Toy Story that live in the claw machine.

"Candy Mountain, Charlie, Candy Mountain," Gaara kept repeating. "You have to go in the Candy Mountain Cave… it's a magical bridge…"

"DAMN YOU CHIBI-PENGUIN-CHAN!" Sakura shouted. "IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY AND YOU'RE MAKING US ALL INSANE!"

"Forehead? Were you arguing with the narrator… er… I mean authoress…"

"George, George, George of the Jungle, strong as he can be," someone started singing. Take your pick who, I don't care at the moment.

There was a knock at the door from whoever's house they were located at that moment. "I'll get it," Sakura said.

There at the door was standing their entire group of friends, along with two people they hadn't seen before. "Hello, my name is Akina Andrews," the weirdo girl introduced herself.

"Andrews, that's a weird name," Ino pointed out.

"Oh, that's my surname, you see, I'm what you'd call a 'Mary Sue', and I ignore any part of Japanese culture and say my surname last because I'm that great."

"I'm her younger brother Darius Andrews," the boy with them introduced.

"He's a year younger then the rest of you," Temari explained. "But since he's charming, I'm going to ignore the fact that he's at least four years younger than me, and I'm now completely in love with him. So Ino-chan, that means that we don't have to be rivals because I've suddenly given up on Shikamaru!"

"Really?" Ino asked, her eyes shimmering with happiness. "In that case, Temari-chan, you're my new best friend!" Gai and Lee are still jealous of the sunset background that appeared when Ino and Temari suddenly embraced, tears streaming down their face because they didn't like the same boy anymore. I mean really, all the times they spent arguing and fighting with each other, will just magically disappear because of the sudden appearance of two overly unrealistic people.

"Let's ignore them for a moment, and focus on me," the girl named Akina said. "Since I'm here, that means all of you girls, aren't important anymore. Because, not only am I suddenly popular just by showing up, but now everyone's in love with me. But, only Neji will show it."

"That's right," Neji said, grinning widely and striking a 'nice guy' pose. "My personality is now gone, and I've decided to let all of my emotions show, so I'll declare it now, I LOVE THIS STRANGE GIRL WHO JUST APPEARED TEN MINUTES AGO!"

"That makes you my rival!" Tenten yelled. "I HATE YOU! Even after years of Neji and I knowing each other and building a relationship, your sudden presence has made him forget that we've been friends since we were eleven!"

"But it's not just you," Naruto said, his voice sounding like the announcer guy from a game show. "Since she's here, we also like her. We just don't show it. So even though Hinata-chan and I look so cute together, I'm still going to mentally fawn over this girl!"

"N-N-Naruto-kun…" Hinata said, her eyes shining with tears. Her sadness suddenly became anger. "I DON'T CARE IF WE'RE SUPPOSED TO LIKE EACH OTHER ACCORDING TO THE DESCRIPTION OF YOU GIVEN BY THE GIRL WHO MUST BE ON SOME FORM OF DRUG!" Yelled Hinata in an extremely out of character way. "I've liked him since I was a little kid, YOU WILL NOT SURVIVE!"

"I've worked too hard to gain Neji-kun's affection for you to ruin it now," Tenten said, grabbing weapons.

"No way is Sasuke-kun going to start thinking your beautiful when he hardly even acknowledges me," Sakura said, also crowding around the useless Mary Sue.

"GET HER!"

"Hello everyone, Nara Shikamaru here. My job for the next five minutes or so is to keep you entertained as the two 'Andrews' siblings are beaten to a bloody pulp for being way to perfect. Now, if you were wise you wouldn't even know this is happening, instead you would have listened to the warnings that reading this story was bad for you. It comes from the mind of a 15-year-old at exactly 2:00 in the morning because she wanted to get this up because she's an obsessive Gaara fan girl. So really, no one should actually know this is happening because if they do, they haven't listened to instructions. Now, I must leave so that the group and I can dispose of the two dead bodies now lying on the floor. Goodbye, and stop reading for the love of kami-sama."

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I'm thinking 'Leaf High side stories' will tell the story of Gaara's left eye and the list of twenty rules. My female parental unit and I have already discussed briefly the basis of Sakura's hair/Gaara's eye twitch.

But onto more important matters, you should have listened to me the first two times, and if you read Shikamaru's speech, then you should know that I am deeply disappointed in you. Also, I don't care if you flame this chapter until it explodes, I would too. It's not funny, it's just creepy. But this is what happens when I'm in a bad mood and near a keyboard. Rants come out, and this time part of a story. But you guys shouldn't know that, because I told you to stop reading.

Penguin