THE PROPOSAL

CHAPTER 20 – Back to the Start

Despite protestations that she didn't want to talk any more, Donna had spent all morning with Dr. Agard talking about her ordeal. She liked Paula a lot and could see how the therapist had been able to work her magic with Harvey, who must have been one of the most difficult and most complex patients of her career.

On a personal level, Paula was warm, friendly and composed – all qualities which naturally endeared her to people, and led them to open up to her. Donna liked that and she instantly trusted Paula, revealing more to her than she would even to Rachel, her closest friend. On a professional level, Paula was very astute. Nothing got past her, whether it be Donna's subconscious body language or something unintentionally revealed by her in speech. Donna felt more self-conscious with her expressions as she was talking to Paula, but it didn't matter. The therapist asked all the right questions and Donna knew, the morning after the worst night of her life, that there could have been nobody better for her to be with.

They had talked for hours about Julien Roche and the assault. Donna had been uncomfortable at first, but she soon spilled every single intimate detail about what Julien had done to her – and more importantly how he had made her feel while he was doing it. The kiss had started everything and Donna still hated herself for being so weak that she allowed it to happen. She confessed that she blamed herself for everything that came after because she had submitted to that, but Paula managed to make her see that her love and loss of Mike was still so raw that she had transferred those feelings onto Antonio. She couldn't save Mike, but she could save the young Italian. Would she have allowed Julien to kiss her if it meant Mike went free from jail? Damn right she would, so she had to let go of the guilt and she had to stop beating herself up over it – it wasn't her fault – it was Julien's.

Everything that happened next had scared her so much because she had lost control and Donna was always in control. Even with Stephen Huntley, she had been in control of her own life and her own actions the whole time. She had never been afraid of Stephen who had sanctioned murders, but she had been terrified of Julien. The loss of control was what made her feel like she was living somebody else's life as the events unfolded, each incident more sickening than the last.

Donna had cried as she talked about the night he had given her the key to his apartment. She couldn't believe she'd gotten herself into that situation. She was Donna after all. And then she talked about last night. Very carefully at first because the agony was still so raw. She rubbed her broken cheekbone instinctively as she talked about how he had hurt her and how she had almost given up to the inevitable – the pain that would have come if he had invaded her body in the way every woman feared. Paula had listened intently as she mentioned every single detail of the assault. How Julien had spoken to her, hit her, held her, ripped her clothing, assaulted her – she revealed everything he had done to her and at one point she had even brought the therapist close to tears.

"So, tell me about you and Harvey," asked Paula all of a sudden, catching Donna off-guard.

"What do you mean?" asked Donna, her mouth twisting into a smile as she thought of him and how much she loved him.

"How did you meet?"

Donna laughed as she remembered how she'd set her sights on him right from the beginning, but that it was so different at the start. "We met in a bar. We'd both been working at the DA's office for a while, but he hadn't noticed me. I'd noticed him though. That was almost 13 years ago now and … well … let's just say he hadn't made a name for himself back then, but he was probably even more arrogant."

Paula laughed. "More arrogant?" she said.

"Oh yeah, he was totally full of himself," she said rolling her eyes in good humour. "Anyway back then I had my mind set on being an actress …"

Paula raised her eyebrows and grinned. She hadn't known this.

"… you look surprised?" said Donna, noticing her reaction.

"I'm just intrigued to know why you gave that up to be a secretary. I can imagine you being a great actress."

"Correction, I was an awesome actress," said Donna confidently, "but, I'm an awesome secretary too." Donna smiled, but then her mind was filled with sadness as she realised that, yes, over the course of several years she had given up her dream.

"What is it?" asked Paula noticing Donna's expression change.

Donna grinned at Paula's astuteness, "I've finally met my match," she said knowingly, "I'm not going to get anything past you, am I?"

Paula smiled warmly at her. "No," she said with a wink.

Donna inhaled deeply then began her story. "So I was going to be an actress and I tracked down Harvey to ask if I could move to his desk. He was so ambitious. Unbelievably ambitious, and so smart too. I thought he would understand that the DA's office wasn't where I wanted to end my days and that my acting was important to me, so I told him I'd be the best legal secretary in the city for him if he'd let me go for the odd audition when I needed to." Donna smiled as she recalled how different their relationship was in the beginning. "So that's how we met, but as for my acting … I don't know … it was a mixture of things really. I started to worry that I wasn't as good as I had always believed. I always knew it was going to be hard, but the auditions started to be harder to get, and eventually I gave up."

"You said a mixture of things made you give up?" asked Paula quizzically. "Was there another reason?"

"I started to love my job, I guess," said Donna as she folded her arms around herself protectively. Paula's face changed instantly. 'Shit – body language', said Donna and she unfolded her arms and sat to attention.

Paula leaned forward invitingly and smiled. "You're too late," she quipped, "I saw it."

"Damn it," said Donna with a chuckle. She looked at Paula who was sitting patiently for her to continue. Her blue eyes sparkling with curiosity. "I loved working with Harvey," she said at last.

"What made you two hit it off so well do you think? I mean your friendship must have been pretty special for you to work with him every day for thirteen years. He's not the easiest person to get along with."

"I can handle him," said Donna proudly. "I handled him right from the beginning." Then she hesitated. Should she?

"What do you want to say, Donna," asked Paula. "What happened at the beginning?"

'Shit' thought Donna again, 'it's like talking to me.' She looked at the therapist and decided the big reveal would probably help her work through things in the long run, but was it down to her to tell? 'Ah, she probably already knows,' she realised, so she took a deep breath and she went for it.

"Harvey was very flirty when I first started to work with him. Oh my god, the lines he used to come out with – you wouldn't believe me if I told you. Anyway, after a few months he left the DA's office. He'd had a disagreement with his boss and he didn't know at the time, but I'd resigned because of him too. Cameron Dennis … ugh! … I never liked that man," she said remembering how she'd convinced Harvey not to follow in Dennis's shady footsteps. "He moved to Jessica's firm, which was always his long term plan ever since he went to Harvard. He used to work there in the mailroom, you know? Anyway, Gordon Schmidt and Van Dyke it was called then … sorry … I'm babbling … so, there was a few days when we didn't work together and he showed up at my apartment, full of bravado and we … erm … we slept together."

Paula's eyes almost jumped out of her head. "I see," she said in surprise.

"You didn't … erm … know already?" asked Donna nervously.

"No, Donna, I didn't … well … that definitely puts things in perspective."

"Puts what in perspective?"

"Sorry, I don't think I can answer that," said Paula with a smile.

"You just did," said Donna, her eyes flashing with humour as she remembered a very similar conversation she and Paula had had a few months back.

"So, you don't have to answer this if you don't want to of course, but was it only the one time?" asked Paula awkwardly.

"Yes," said Donna. "A few days later he asked me to go work with him at the firm and that was that."

"I see," said Paula, "and how did you feel about that? Did you want to continue things with Harvey?"

"I knew he wasn't ready and I know that if I'd tried to have a relationship with him I wouldn't be sitting here talking to you now. Mind, under the circumstances, I'd rather I wasn't sitting here talking to you, but you know what I mean," said Donna reflectively as she looked around Harvey's apartment, wishing she was in her office – no strike that – back at her cubicle. "One of my conditions of coming to work with him was that we put what happened out of our minds and we never talk about it again."

Paula looked sad at that revelation. She could sense Donna had some regret too. "It sounds to me like you may have been waiting a long time to see a change in Harvey."

"I get why you're asking me that," said Donna insightfully. She had asked the same question of herself over the years. Was she pathetic for still waiting and hoping after all of those years? "I'm not saying that somewhere in my subconscious I wasn't waiting for him, but we both carried on with our own lives … or we tried to … but mostly, I just enjoyed working with him. We are so close and he needs me … and I … well I need him too."

"But, you gave all that up last year."

"Ah, that," said Donna. She wondered when her leaving Harvey for Louis would come up in their conversation. "Yes, well that was a blip. I just think I'd had enough."

"Enough of what?"

"Of putting his needs first," said Donna. "After all of those years … I just got tired of it. Louis needed me and he was so kind and he really appreciated me, whereas Harvey …"

"You don't think Harvey appreciated you?" asked Paula in surprise.

Donna exhaled deeply, trying to get her explanation straight in her mind. "I know he appreciated me, but I grew tired of his inability … no his refusal … to tell me how he felt." She frowned as she thought back to that fateful night. The first time in twelve years she'd put her own needs before his. The night he had his first panic attack. The night which heralded his first trip to Dr. Agard's office.

"I can't comment on my sessions with Harvey, but let's just say I can imagine what you mean," said Paula sympathetically. Of course she knew. "You didn't move very far away from Harvey, though. You still saw him every day. Was this really the break that you needed or do you think you could have been punishing him?"

Donna looked shocked at Paula's question. 'Was I punishing him?' she considered for a moment. She looked away as she thought deeper about it. Should she cover her ass, or just tell her the truth? "The day before I decided to leave him for Louis, Harvey and I had dinner at my apartment. I'd gotten myself into trouble … stupid really, but I do really dumb shit from time to time … and Harvey had fought as he always does and he fixed everything for me. We were celebrating and after dinner we were talking and something happened. He told me that he didn't care about anybody else's opinion of him and that I was the only person who mattered, but the way he looked at me … I knew he wanted to say something more than that. But then he panicked and he ran away. I asked him to stay, but he didn't. He told me staying would be a mistake, but before he left he said that I knew that he loved me."

"Wow, he said that?" asked Paula. Donna couldn't believe she didn't know this either. What on earth had they talked about during all of those sessions?

"Yes, he did say that, but the next day he avoided me, and tried to backtrack and he refused to comment on what he'd said and why he said it. Oh, wait, he did say … he told me he'd said that he loved me because he wanted to make me feel better." She was laughing now because she knew why Harvey had been so afraid to follow his heart that day, but at the time those words had cut deep. "So I suppose you're right. In a way I was punishing him. He wasn't being fair to me and I'd had enough. I needed to stop waiting … I mean … I needed to stop … sorry. Yes. I needed to stop waiting for him to be ready."

Paula's face dimpled as she smiled sadly at Donna, but she knew all of the things that she'd said he'd said and done were more than typical of pre-therapy Harvey. "And do you think he's changed since you left him, Donna?" she asked.

"Yes," said Donna with a smile, "or I wouldn't have come back. Yes, I think he has changed and like I said a few months ago, I know I have you to thank for that."

Paula held her hands up in the air, "hey, I didn't ask you that question for compliments," she said honestly.

"I know, but it's the truth," said Donna. "In fact, after the trial and trying to re-build the firm we're now better than ever. A few weeks ago we had breakfast together after pulling an all-nighter at the office and he finally opened up. He told me he had been terrified of his feelings because he didn't want to ruin what we had. He said he loved me again, but because every relationship he'd ever had had been a disaster he didn't have any reason to think he wouldn't screw up with me too. He said he knew he would lose me if he tried to have anything more and losing me was his nightmare. I would have understood all of that if he'd just said straight away, you know. I just wish …" Donna's voice cracked and she looked away as it hit her, tears filling her eyes. The sorrow was overwhelming.

"What?" asked Paula, "what do you wish?"

"… well, I wish … last night hadn't happened because we were finally getting somewhere. He had asked to take me on a date," she said as tears streamed down her face, "a 'proper' date he'd said and that's where we should have been last night, but something came up so we worked late. Instead of being out enjoying that time … the time I've waited thirteen years for … oh my god … thirteen years. Then, finally … finally he thinks he's ready and that bastard takes it all away from me." She curled up on the sofa and pulled the blanket Harvey had given her over herself, burying her face in it as she let go, her body heaving with sobs.

Paula moved over to her and held her while she cried. And she held as she stared at the different coloured threads woven into the blanket. And she held her while she relaxed and finally drifted into sleep.

X

It was 3.45pm when Harvey finally arrived back at his apartment – much later than he'd planned. Paula rose to her feet as she went to greet him. She had been reading an i-book from her phone for the past couple of hours while Donna slept on the sofa.

"Shh," she said softly as she tiptoed towards Harvey. "She's sleeping."

Harvey looked over at Donna as he put down the overnight bag of things he promised he'd get for her from her apartment. "Is she okay?" he asked.

"She's better," said Paula truthfully.

"Has she talked to you?" asked Harvey.

"Yes, she managed to talk for hours before it all got a bit too much," said Paula sympathetically. "She's been very brave, Harvey. I can't emphasise enough how horrendously difficult sexual assaults are for women to get over, but I'm sure she'll be fine. She's a tough cookie."

Harvey smiled, "I know," he said fondly. But there was something else. He looked distracted.

"What is it, Harvey?" asked Paula.

Harvey shook his head and took a bottle of scotch from his kitchen cupboard, pouring himself a large glass and taking a giant swig. "Worst case scenario just happened," he said, his eyes alight with anger.

"Oh no," said Paula nervously, "what is it now?"

"They're charging her with second degree assault."

"You're kidding?"

"I wish I goddamn were," said Harvey. "How the hell am I going to tell her this?"

"Do you think there's …"

"Not a chance!" interrupted Harvey knowing what she was going to ask. "They have no case and I am going to goddamn go to town on the DA for allowing this charade to happen. The prosecutor is a fucking bitch and she hates me. That's the only reason they're going ahead with this bullshit charge and it's all down to me again. What am I going to do? She's being arraigned on Friday."

"Then you have two days to do what you do and fix it, Harvey," said Paula, showing that she too had faith in him to get the job done. "Do you want me to stay with you?"

"No, you've done enough. Thank you, I didn't know what else I could do … to … you know … help. I knew you'd be great …"

"Harvey, I'll help in any way I can and I'll come here every day if you need me to, but the best person to help Donna right now is you."

He froze at her words. His eyes conveying that he didn't believe he could be any use in a situation like this. "You think so?" he asked in disbelief, "I'm shitting myself that I'm going to say the wrong thing."

"You might say the wrong thing, but it doesn't matter. You're here for her and you're who she wants."

'You're who she wants,' thought Harvey. 'What on earth have they been talking about?'

Paula gathered up her things quietly so she didn't wake Donna. "Give me a ring whenever you need me, Harvey. I mean it. I'm here for you both."

Harvey nodded, thanked her again and then saw her to the door.

X

It was after 6.00pm by the time Donna finally woke from her sleep. She startled for a moment wondering where she was again, before rubbing her eyes and stretching out her knotted joints. Harvey's leather 'man-sofa' wasn't the most comfortable bed substitute in the world.

"Hey," said Harvey as he appeared from the kitchen, "how are you feeling?"

"Like shit," she said truthfully, "how long have I slept?"

"A few hours. I've sent Dr. Agard home. I hear you two hit it off."

"Well we were hardly out partying, Harvey," smirked Donna. She knew what he meant. "But, yes, she's been a great help this morning. Thank you for that."

"No worries," he said with a nod. Sending for Dr. Agard was one of his better ideas. "I brought you your things," he said gesturing to the packed bag on the floor, "I expect you're desperate to get out of my old clothes."

"Yeah, you could say that," she said as she rose to her feet and fetched the bag. "I'm going to have a shower and sort myself out. What are you doing?"

"Oh, just making us something to eat."

"Ahhh," uttered Donna twisting her mouth into a grimace.

"Donna, you have to eat," said Harvey, "please just try. I'm making some vegetable soup with noodles and I've some fresh bread. It's just something light."

"Okay, I'll try," she said appreciating the trouble he'd gone to. "As long as it's accompanied by alcohol!"

Harvey was just about to say, 'do you think you should be drinking,' when he realised a couple of glasses of wine might numb the pain of what he had to tell her later.

X

After Donna had showered, washed and dried her hair and put on clean, but comfortable clothes, they sat down to eat and she surprised herself by finishing her soup and eating half the bread. She'd practically finished off a bottle of white wine all by herself and was onto a bottle of red when Harvey finally plucked up the courage to tell her about the assault charge.

"Harvey, please tell me this isn't happening?" she said in shock as he moved to sit next to her, holding her hands in his.

"It's all down to goddamn Anita Gibbs," he spat with venom, "Donna, I swear this is a bullshit charge. We're all onto it – me, Jessica, Louis – all of us. You have nothing to worry about. Nothing. I'm not worried …"

"You look worried," she interrupted, grabbing her hands from his grip, "you look as scared as hell!"

"I'm not scared about the charge, I'm only worried about you and how you're going to take this," he said insistently. "She hadn't even done her homework, Donna. She was that hell-bent on hurting us she didn't have a clue you'd already made an attempted rape report. She's like a dog with a goddamn bone."

"Pretty good that you made me go to the police then, huh?"

"Damn right it was," he said as he looked into her eyes, searching for understanding. "Look, you don't have to worry Donna. I'm going to fix this."

Donna wiped a stray tear from her broken cheekbone and winced at the touch of her own hand, reminding them both of what she'd endured. "I know you'll fix it Harvey. I never doubt you."

They both froze for a moment, their eyes locked together in … in what? In trust? In friendship? In sorrow? In love? Donna searched his face as he looked at her, trying to work it out. She needed him so much. She needed to feel his touch. She didn't want to leave him. Not ever. So she leaned forward and kissed him. 'Was it a kiss?' Well maybe it wasn't. She placed her lips on his before breaking free, her forehead resting on his and their mouths breathing frustrated gasps onto each other's faces. She moved her hands to his neck, then his head, running her fingers through his hair and she waited …

"… Donna," he said in a whisper as he put his hands on her hands, slowly pushing down and removing them from his head. He held onto her hands, trying to let her know that he wasn't letting her go. He wasn't letting her down.

"What's wrong?" she asked innocently, "why … not?"

"… Donna … you know why."

His words hit her like a truck. This was how it had happened last time, except they were in his apartment not hers and they were worrying about the future, not celebrating a win from their past. She stared at him, unable to fathom what on earth was going through his head. "Because it would be a mistake?" she yelled, tears welling up in her eyes, "that's what you're going to say to me again, isn't it?"

"No," said Harvey quickly, trying his best to stop things escalating, "this just isn't the right time, Donna, that's all. Not after everything that's happened."

"There's no right time, Harvey!" she yelled. "There never has been a right time! Why can't you do this for me? I need you to give this back to me! I want my night back. He took all of this from me. He took away our night. Why won't you help me go back? I want to feel like I did yesterday … before he did this."

Harvey was startled. He didn't know what to do or what to say to make things better, but he knew he couldn't do what she was asking of him. She'd regret it. "Donna, let us get through this first …"

She shot to her feet, "there's always something!" she shouted, "you always have an excuse. You told me you loved me!"

"I do love you!"

"Then why won't you make love to me?"

"Because this isn't right, Donna!" he shouted back, "for fuck's sake, I'm not having sex with you the night after you were almost raped! What kind of opportunistic bastard would that make me?"

She stood before him crying, hurt, humiliated, rejected and embarrassed. "I just wanted you to make it go away, Harvey," she cried with so much sorrow that Harvey had to steel himself to stop his own tears breaking free.

"I will make it go away," he said, "I promise I will, but not like this. You can't want it to be like this."

Donna wiped the wetness from her face again and nodded, "I'm sorry," she sobbed, "I thought … I just … I just wanted to feel … good. I hate being a victim."

"Hey, you're no victim, you're the bravest, smartest, most beautiful woman I know," he said. "I promise, once you're feeling better and all of this is over we're going to go out on that date and we're going to have a great time. We've got it all to come. We're in this together, me and you. I'm not going to leave you. Not ever."

"Will you sleep next to me again?" she asked cautiously, hoping with everything she had that he wouldn't say no to that.

"Yes, of course I will," he said, "and I'll stay next to you every night for as long as you want me to."