As per usual, messed up attitudes re. all kinds of things.
Oddly enough, Shinji's views of how loving relationships work would be much healthier if Yui had survived... just as in canon, come to think of it. Since Shinji has never been loved before, he has absolutely no personal experience to go on, just the 'society says' of attending a bunch of boys only schools. Gendo was out to make Shinji internalize that no one (else) would ever love him, too, and thinking that maybe it's real is just making him more desperate to not screw this up.
This would be Shinji's first new moon ceremony. That was the one where Kaworu accepted sacrifices and made compacts, so Shinji would have to do his job as cupbearer. It was one thing to hand the cup to Tabris, but watching for his cue, pressing it to their lips, only letting them sip instead of gulp, not letting them grab the Grail and take all of Tabris' blood or the Holy Grail brought to England in ancient times for themselves…
That was nerve-wracking enough, except that for the past four days Tabris had been absolutely furious and only growing angrier and angrier.
He said it wasn't at Shinji, but it was still really hard not to cower. He could raise and lower the infernal shield on purpose now, but it was still reflex to protect himself if he was ambushed or in danger, so he could feel it flicker sometimes, see it in the corners of his eyes.
Even if Tabris loved him as a wife, husbands beat their wives, and they were more likely to do that when they were already angry. So Shinji had to be very, very careful not to slip up.
The thought that maybe, maybe Tabris would be upset if he hit Shinji, even though it was his right to do with Shinji as he wanted, just made it worse. It meant Shinji had to try not to mess up and make Tabris hit him for both their sakes.
Tabris had assured him that he wasn't angry at Shinji, no, but even though he smiled and wore that mask of serenity, he kept frowning viciously at odd moments, as though he was hearing something that upset him further. Were the voices of invisible demons or spirits of the air whispering something to him? Telling him of distant things that angered him?
The first day, Shinji had barely noticed any difference, just that Tabris was annoyed the way he usually was when he finished his correspondence and found out what the cultists were doing now. It was that night that he'd shot upright in bed, staring into the distance, seeing some vision that he could not believe was truly happening.
They were in the middle of something at the time, and even though Tabris had responded to Shinji's worried tug on his arm, once Shinji woke up the courage to disturb him, he'd still been annoyed the entire time. He'd covered Shinji's body and attended to Shinji's pleasure, but regarded Shinji's attempts to pleasure him in return almost as distractions.
He'd turned into a great white serpent that night, to coil around Shinji's body (for warmth, he'd said, trying to pretend his normal whimsy), and when Shinji woke and stroked that great scaled head Kaworu had licked him, but been reluctant to let go, even by changing back.
Later in the day, when Touji and others installed the chandelier he'd ordered, a great thing of candles and sky-blue glass Tabris had seen leafing through a catalogue in search of gifts for Shinji and thought bore some resemblance to Shinji's soul, he smiled to see how flattered Shinji was, that Tabris thought he was this beautiful, a bright, glimmering being. He'd stroked Shinji's face, and it seemed to give him a little peace, but then he'd wrapped his arms around Shinji and hadn't let go until Shinji's pocketwatch chimed the start of cello practice. Tabris insisted on coming with him, and instead of the cello they played the piano together, sitting right next to each other.
Shinji could hear the anger and frustration in every note, and his own were tentative, trying to climb around the sound, ameliorate it.
Was this how Tabris felt? When he tried to touch Shinji gently, to soothe him when he was afraid?
"What's wrong?" he'd finally dared ask when Tabris' hands left the keys for a moment.
"Nothing that should concern you," and it was the words and not the red glow in Tabris' eyes, like hot coals, like the inferno where he was supposed to dwell, that made Shinji quail back a little, before the fallen angel turned to him, tried to smile for him. "I am sorry," he said. "That was a lie. It does concern you, and I wish it did not. This is none of your doing, and it burns me that I may have brought this upon you." He winced and again tried to smile when he saw Shinji's face. "That is why I didn't want to speak of it with you: truly, Shinji this is none of your fault and none of your doing. I knew that you would blame yourself simply for being… simply for existing." He began to stroke Shinji's hair.
"Should I be… doing something different?" Shinji attempted, leaning into the touch in case that helped them both. Tabris wanted to make him feel better, and Shinji wanted to please him so Tabris felt better.
"They want to lay their disgusting hands on you," Tabris said, and Shinji had never heard such venom from him. "No, more than simply their hands, they wish to defile you so they have what they think is theirs, just as they believe that all of this world is theirs, to do with as they please. They think I have no right to what is mine," and Tabris' body began to glow, a pale gray light that filled the room. He was always warmer than Shinji, but the hand that touched Shinji's face felt like fire, and with the part of him that wasn't worried for Tabris Shinji felt his own soul rising to the surface, because otherwise…
It was the bench beneath them beginning to char that returned Tabris to himself.
The Lightbearer. They used to believe that the stars were pinpricks in the firmament, showing the heavenly glory that lay beyond. The light of the sun outshone all the other stars, just as the power of God eclipsed all else, but the star that remained visible in the Morning, the being who could remain standing in God's presence, even when ordered to kneel before Adam?
Now, astronomy showed that the stars were other suns, some said, and Venus a world like onto Earth, that might even have its own inhabitants. That was a strange thought, but Tabris was not a being of science, of humanity's feeble attempts to grasp truth.
A fallen angel, a fallen star, a being of radiant light that had taken flesh, and this was what Shinji was in love with. This was what he dared to believe might love him in return.
The sheer audacity of it struck him when he saw that being of light return to its human guise, saw the proof that this was what was within the being whose bed he shared, this was its true face, and so it was only after Tabris had calmed, after the immediate danger that he would be burned away by the onslaught of heavenly fire had ended, that Shinji slid off the bench, went to his knees before him, trembling in mingled fear and adoration.
"Shinji?" Tabris asked.
"I… The Book says that we were made in the image of God, but we weren't, were we?" Shinji now knew. "Not like you… I should have realized."
Tabris frowned down at him, not in disapproval but as the school nurse might, checking to see if Shinji's ankle was broken or it was just a sprain and he should be made to write lines for crying out over something like that instead of toughening up.
"You're glorious," Shinji explained.
"Ah," Tabris said, understanding now, and relaxing once he saw that Shinji hadn't backed away in fear. Not entirely in fear. "So are you. I should engage an artist to see if a custom chandelier could be made. That one doesn't even perfectly reflect your eyes, let alone your soul." He sighed. "Perhaps I would ask for sapphires next, promise a gift of power to whoever scours the world and brings back stones that match your eyes." He reached down: Shinji tilted his head up to meet the hand, and felt Tabris touch each of his eyelids. "Have them set into earrings, for you, but…"
"But what?" Shinji pleaded, opening his eyes and looking up at him. Not just because he wanted to help, if he even could help, when it was a problem that Tabris couldn't handle with just a few orders, but because if he knew what this was about, then maybe he could be sure that it wasn't his fault?
"They have transgressed," Tabris told him, eyes growing heated again. "Simply by plotting what they are plotting, even if they have not yet had the chance to act on their twisted desires, they have transgressed. They have forgotten their place, and now I am reminded that they never truly knew their place at all. That I allowed them to step beyond their station. That they can even contemplate this only because I have been far, far too lenient with them for too long. I knew of how they treated the other humans, and I knew to expect nothing better of them. I ensured that if any of them showed any signs of attempting to treat myself or my children that way, then they knew they would die for failing to show proper respect to their betters, but this… Leliel was right, I should not have allowed myself to tolerate the behavior of such degenerate spawn. Their degeneracy is not an excuse for such behavior, it is why they must be put in their place. I have indulged them for far, far too long!"
"…Indulged?" Shinji dared to say only that word, shoulders shrinking in as he looked away. Because Tabris was so indulgent of Shinji, he spoiled him far too much, and the thought of that stopping?
"Oh, no, not you." Tabris left the piano bench himself now, to go down on one knee next to Shinji, and kiss his forehead. "You are different from them, and perhaps… yes, perhaps it might ease your heart to know that you are different. Why you are superior to the degenerates that infest this world."
It startled Shinji to hear Tabris talking about people like that. It brought to mind what Misato said, about Lucifer unleashing demonic hordes to overrun the world. Why, why was he startled? He knew that Tabris was the devil, even if Shinji was favored. "What do you mean?" he dared to ask, fearful but wanting to know.
The light of whimsy returned to Tabris' eyes, although there was still the contempt thoughts of SEELE inspired, as well as hints of that anger. "Tell me, Shinji: do you like this world?"
Shinji had to stare, and instantly lowered his eyes and chastised himself for it. Master Tabris would never ask a stupid question, and now he was the one failing to remember his place! When Master Tabris was already angry with others for doing the same thing! He really was just begging for a beating, and he was grateful for Master Tabris' restraint and kindness. "I like your world, Master Tabris," he told him. "The world inside the manor, where everyone is kind to me. Hikari helps me learn to cook, and doesn't scold," she didn't even hit his hand when he messed up and ruined a dish! "Touji is helping me get stronger, and learn different positions, but he doesn't call me weak and he tells me not to do something if it's painful. He scolded me a lot when I would strain myself stretching too far."
Tabris nodded, as thought that was proper and to be expected, instead of the opposite of everything Shinji used to know.
"I used to hate the world outside, but even the places you take me to are wonderful. Because you're there with me. So many of them wouldn't even let me in if you weren't there, since my father cast me aside and I have no money, except what you give me to spend." The purse Shinji hadn't touched, because anything Shinji liked enough to seriously contemplate spending that much money on, Tabris would have already gifted him with. "I love the world when you're there." Tabris was so kind, but that wasn't what he'd asked Shinji about.
"But I don't love the world for itself. I hate it. I always hated it, and hearing what it did to the others, to Touji and Hikari and their families and the people who were sacrificed like Misato almost was and didn't become yours, and when the incubi are talking about current events in the papers and what they want to do with their power when they become demons and can go out to tempt the evil and then kill them so they go to hell like they deserve, for what they're doing to poor, innocent people… I hate the world. I would have killed myself before I met you, because I'm a coward and suicide is the coward's way out, if I wasn't too much of a coward to even do that."
Of course Tabris' arms wrapped around him, of course he tilted Shinji's head to take shelter against his Master's neck, when he discussed something so distressing. "But if I'd gone to hell that way, I would have been just another damned soul, and you would never have noticed me," Shinji knew.
"That is not true," Tabris said, stroking Shinji's back. "No, I'm not simply telling you a comforting lie. There is a reason I was willing to make a bargain about you when you were so young, when that gave you my protection and unfortunately also protected Gendo Ikari." Since as Shinji's paterfamilias, he was the one who had to deliver Shinji to Tabris. If Gendo Ikari had died, Shinji would have become Lorenz Keel's, groomed to be sacrificed in order to provide the head of SEELE with a younger body of his own blood that his soul could be transferred into instead of sacrificed to Tabris, body and soul intact. "Until then, I'd stayed out of that particular family squabble, because even though it suited my purposes to allow Keel to think I still felt some gratitude to him for being freed, even though I repaid that debt long ago, your mother was conducting some particular researches. I felt they were unlikely to produce any results, but the capacity for cruelty the L-humans possess… either way, there was no downside. But then, ah, then." He nuzzled Shinji's hair.
"…Me?" Shinji asked.
"Restoring your mother, finding your father's love of her intriguing was a good excuse for taking an interest in you without it being about you and causing them to become curious," Tabris explained. "Perhaps I should have found some way to acquire you younger, so you wouldn't have been treated so, but I'd already made a rule that I would let none of their boy-children sell themselves to me before they turned fourteen. Seven and seven again: the numerology of it made them believe that was simply the way it worked."
"You've been letting them think a lot of other things are just the way it works, haven't you?" Shinji asked, feeling daring.
Tabris laughed. "Sometimes it's useful, sometimes it's a way to restrain their excesses of bad taste. Sometimes it is just amusing, you're right. Yet I thought it could not be a bad thing, for you to have some more time out in the world, learning about it on its own terms, before you became mine. So you could tell me what you thought of this world. One of Israfel volunteered to do the same, to live among the humans thinking herself a human and give me her report, but her other self and the rest of us have all kept the humans from treating her as poorly as they treat the other humans. She still lives in a world where she knows that none would dream of raising a hand to her, not a world where one false move, and those you love will use pain to force you into compliance with their wishes, with the human world's dictates."
"Why me?" Shinji asked then. "Is there really a reason that I'm special? That something like you would care what I think?" Not how he felt, not just manipulating his love or causing his suffering, but what he thought? His opinions, what he wanted?
"There is," Tabris promised him. "Would you like me to tell them? Tell the man who was never worthy to consider himself your father that he is not fit to breathe the same air as you?"
He stared at the fallen angel, something in him warning him that this was too good to be true, just like so many other things about Tabris, and he was pressing his luck. That his gentle Master was full of wrath right now, and he wasn't smiling just because this would make Shinji happy but because this was part of some plan to devastate those who had trifled with him?
Anyone sensible would be scared, he was scared, with the devil himself like this, but Tabris knew what Shinji wanted and offered it to him so he couldn't resist and so he scooted himself forward, until Tabris went to both knees so Shinji could sit on his lap. "What do you want me to do?"
"You don't have to do anything but attend the ceremony and trust in me that you will be safe," Tabris told him. "There is no need for you to lift a finger, but… if you want to help, there is one thing that might be icing on the cake." He traced a curve across Shinji's forehead. "May I make a few small changes to your appearance?"
He gave a little nod. "Yes, Master." If it would be helping, if it would please Tabris, replace his seething anger with the knowledge that he would have vengeance soon? He wanted his gentle Master back.
"Thank you, Shinji." Tabris pressed seven kisses to that forehead, along the line he'd drawn, and Shinji felt the bone of his skull shift.
He reached up when it was done and felt little nubs, covered with a velvety substance that came off the bone when he rubbed at it. "Horns?" he asked. Why horns? They weren't sharp, just little nubby things. The ones furthest on the left and right just barely poked through his hair.
Tabris ducked his head, smirking to himself. "The seven-eyed mask hid your face from me. This is far more adorable."
Shinji ducked his head and rubbed it against Tabris' chest. "They're a little itchy."
"Like the horns of a young buck," Tabris said, and hummed happily to himself while he scratched at them, stripping off the velvety stuff.