Mother of All Darkness

Author's note: Been awhile as I've been focusing on Top Gear X and Pride, Prejudice, Illyana, and Zombies (both of those stories are approaching their conclusions). When I first started this work I had no idea just how serious it would become (at least I think it's serious).

The character of Richard Zeeman, one of the main Anita Blake storyline characters, has always been interesting. He accidentally became a werewolf because he took an experimental vaccine against lycanthropy only to become the very thing he feared so much. Supposedly his resistance to his own supernatural nature parallels Anita's resistance to hers in the early novels. If Jean-Claude and Asher represent the side of Anita that fully accepts her darker nature, then Richard represents the side that cannot accept it.

A reminder that a component of this kind of writing is making sure that Illyana does not become a Mary Sue type of character (google it if you don't understand the reference). Can't have her being an all powerful, flawless creatures having no stories to tell (as I've said before, Godzilla vs. bambi is a short film).

Part 20a: Richard part 1

Okay… I thought. Three down and four to go. I supposed it was time for the Weres and I.

Illyana announced that the next session would take place outside at a location that she'd already selected and that the presence of the others (Jason, Remus, and Kelly) were not needed or desired. All of whom had the intelligence to not protest, although Kelly and Damian were really touchie feelie so that took a bit of a time as there was a long goodbye between the two of them. It was so obvious that they were now an item; which made me feel rather happy for Damian as he really tends to get the least attention from me.

While Kelly and Damian were saying goodbye, Nathaniel asked a question of her. "What was the strangest place you've ever been to?" I suppose he was thinking Wonderland. Turns out that girl must have been to all kinds of odd places.

She got a slight frowny squinty face for a few seconds as she thought, then replied. "The bearded dimension. Looked just like my old home dimension, people and all, but everybody had beards."

"All the men had beards?" Was Nathaniel's reply.

"No, everybody had beards, men, women, babies, pets, animals, aliens, space critters, trees, everything."

"That's… weird." Was his unsurprisingly hesitant reply.

"Yeah… hated me there as well, demon is one thing but beardless? That's crossing one line two many."

Okay, not sure if she's pulling our legs. Somehow I think she's telling the truth, which is even stranger.

Kelly finally departed, but before we teleported Richard asked a question, or to be more precise, the question. He asked politely, was calm, and the question was spoken quietly, but we all heard.

"Can you? This must be how Aster felt when you ignored him mentally. Can you?"

An expression of resigned perseverance crossed her face. "I did not answer because Ms. Blake has set the social rules. Such private conversations are a source of annoyance to her and her annoyance trumps yours."

Well that's good to know that my rules are still in force, but I was beginning to wonder just why?Yeah… we all got our insecurities and all that blonde hotness is just one of mine. I know my men keep telling me that I'm the center of their lives but… the past always lingers.

Illyana continued. "The short answer is no. You are one of my familiars. I cannot change such a fundamental aspect of you."

I internally braced myself, but Richard surprised me as he remained calm. "And healing Asher was not? Changing Jean-Claude's shadow to a bat because I thought that it would be funny was not?"

"No. Such things are cosmetic, not intrinsic. I could change your fur color, but not your animal."

A half smiling sad look from Richard. "I thought as such. Don't… know what I'd do anymore if you actually had the ability. Guess I'm getting too comfortable being a monster."

Illyana had a look of slight puzzlement as she replied. "And you think not being a were would make you less of a monster?"

And now Richard lost the sad look and the all too familiar look of growing anger replaced it. Looks like I'm not the only one who knows how to say the wrong thing.

"Yes." Was his half growled answer.

"But everybody is a monster." Was her reply. "You all are. You always were. Everybody is. Unlike me your intrinsic nature does not make you evil, you get a choice. You get to choose whether you behave as one or not."

Arguments that we had all made to Richard. Arguments that he had always rejected. Arguments that he still didn't look very receptive to.

"And your point." Was his sarcastic reply. "Going to out monster us? Show just how evil you are? How Anita is just a happy homemaker compared to you?"

Yep, angry Richard had the mike yet again. At least he was yelling at her and not me.

"No." Was her terse reply.

There was a flash of light and we were all now in the woods under the night sky.

Part 20b: Richard part 2

The night air was chilly. Scattered tall trees loamed over us and the overall scent was of a pine forest. Felt like we were at a much higher elevation. Definitely not Thonnos Rokke lands.

Dark sky, night sounds, and not a hint of human inhabitation.

"Just as the Vampires needed to take blood, the three of you need to kill and partake of flash and blood." Illyana announced with a cold tone, rather obvious that Richard's little outburst had annoyed her. "I will examine you before the kill, and then provide a deer for each of you; please slay it quickly. I will be examining you again afterwards, likely while you are eating."

"Because we're just monsters right?" Answered Richard. "Beasts. Just fit to kill."

"You're weres. This is what you do every full moon." Was her reply. "What is the big deal?"

Richard kicked off his shoes and began to take his shirt off. "That's by choice, this isn't. Just monster on command I suppose."

"By choice, your hairy... The moon rules you, on those nights, you need to turn, you need to feed. If we leave it until then, and if there are any problems, I assure you that they will manifest in the worst possible fashion. I need this to be done while I am able to observe and can attempt to mitigate any potential harm. This needs to be done while I'm calm and in control. You need to do this now because I'm currently calm and in control. Don't make this more difficult then it needs to be."

Shirt gone, he began to remove his pants. He was not wearing underwear; most weres don't as getting out of your clothing when you need to shift can be a pain so less is tends to be the norm.

"Because you care?" He folded his clothes neatly, the air temperature not bothering him anymore than his nudity. Weres have very little nudity issues, although… I got the sense that he was throwing it in her face. Exposing himself as a kind of statement.

Illyana sounded exasperated rather then concerned. "Because you are tied to me and harm to you is harm to me. I'm attempting to prevent you from being harmed." She began to circle him, and he began turning in place, ensuring his front was toward her. Just he his back was turned to us he started idly scratching his balls. Oh gods… I thought. Richard… not now…

The symbols and glyphs and whatnot I was expecting to start appearing didn't. Instead Illyana stopped and stared at Richard's face. "What are you doing?"

"You're the one who decided that I need to kill something." Richard said with an angry grin. "There's another way to raise power; you've already done it once with us."

I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. What had happened with Illyana, to us, had been anything but willing, and had had nothing to do with raising power. To say nothing of the fact that raising power wasn't what Illyana was attempting to do. Why was Richard suddenly being so crude and cruel. The gasps and sighs of the others told me they were all equally dismayed. I hate to say it, but Richard just always finds a way to do the wrong thing.

He was pissed, and now so was I. "Damn it Richard? What's gotten into you?"

"Such words are beneath you my friend." Sighed Jean-Claude.

I expected Illyana to be either even more pissed, or in some form of repulsed. Instead, she studied him like he was a particularly interesting example of something.

"Interesting. Are you aware, Mr. Zeeman, that your eyes have changed? And not to those of a wolf, either..." She began to pace around him again, as he stood there, uncertain, back still towards us. "As for your rather juvenile attempts to discomfit me by playing with yourself? I thought you were an adult. Monsters of course don't care about such things; they want what they want, and others don't matter. But I thought you wanted to be better than that. But more fool me."

The waves of power Richard had started projecting simply… stopped, as what Illyana said sank in. Deeply.

I then had a moment of epiphany. "Richard, you don't want me to see you kill and feed... do you." Was my soft question as my anger faded.

His voice was that tired, defeated monotone that I associated with his clinical depression coming on. Not good. "No. That's when I lost you. When you saw me… the pack… feed."

Richard was correct. I thought I could handle it. I said I could handle it. Said that I could accept his true nature. Felt that I could. I told Richard to embrace his beast and that I would be there for him. I had been so certain.

Then he sifted into his half wolf from right on top of me and I learned differently.

I was wrong.

I couldn't accept it.

I couldn't accept his beast.

Richard had just killed Marcus in a fight to the death for control of the Lukoi, that's when he became Ulfric of the Throonos Rokke clan. They… the werewolves have a ritual for dead werewolves. It involves incorporating the dead and slain into their mystical mind as it were, their racial memory.

They… They eat their dead, the only weres that do.

Richard, in his wolf man form, ripped the still quivering heart from Marcus and had eaten it right in front of me. And the rest of the Lukoi had started to consume the remainder of the body. And they wanted me to feed as well if I were willing to embrace all that his beast was. To be one with their pack. To share his beast. To hunt with them, kill with them, feed with them.

I was so revolted.

Disgusted.

Terrified.

I… I felt like I was just food.

Prey.

And they loved my fear, it was like an appetizer to them. Big bad Executioner was terrified of them and they loved it. I was just a human back then. Just a necromancer. Not one of the monsters… not yet. And a human being who commits cannibalism and then dies is one breath of power away from becoming a revenant, an uncontrolled flesh-eating zombie. God alone knew what a reanimated necromancer werewolf might be.

I did the only thing I could.

I fled.

They all shifted to full wolf form and hunted after the feeding.

The feel of Richard's power had been so seductive, right up to the point they ate Marcus.

I… I had recoiled. I couldn't face it. People don't eat people, but… weres do. Richard did. Richard had done so before. Only dead wolves of the Throonos Rokke clan but… I just couldn't take it.

It was a testament to Richard's strength of will and control over the pack that they had not taken up my unintended challenge, hunted me down, and eaten me as well. That night had been the night I slept with Jean-Claude. Richard had been my fiancée, and I abandoned him because I just couldn't cope. The one two punch of my rejection of Richard, and concomitant acceptance of Jean-Claude, had devastated Richard and driven him to a host of self-destructive if not frankly suicidal actions. It had taken him a very long time to admit and accept that, monster and all, he wanted to live.

"I'm sorry Richard, I've apologized before. I wish I could take it back. But I can't."

A soft reply, almost a plea. "Why is it ok for Micah, but not me?"

Micah answered Richard's question in a neutral but non -judging tone. "Because of your behaviors at the time, Richard. You refused to accept her Ardeur, you drove everyone away. That, and because after she became infected with the lycanthrope virus and the ardeur , she needed us as much as we needed her, even though she's unable to change form. She's more accepting now because she has her own Hungers… the Ardeur, and the hungers of her beasts."

I spoke for myself. "I understand now."

Yeah… I understand the monsters so much better now that I was one. Lucky me.

Richard asked a question, to me I suppose. "Yet taking blood ok." Reference to the vampires I guess.

For a long time I'd refused to share blood with any vampire, not even Jean-Claude. I found it monstrous. But… not anymore. Again another part of me that had change, or been worn away.

I gave him an equally neutral reply. "Yes, it is, Richard it's… it just is. My necromancy means the undead can never horrify me the way you did that night, because I instinctively understand them. Lycanthropy... I just wasn't prepared for what a were truly is. I… was wrong to ask what I asked of you. We should have… taken that easier… Slower. I was very very wrong."

Richard just hung his head in pain. "Micah, you have what I so want. When she needed me the most, when I had a chance to get her back, I rejected her just as she had me. I found the ardeur to be just as monstrous as she found the pack to be. I rejected her, and drove her away, and so I lost her for a second time. Lost her to you Micah. Because you could do what I wouldn't… couldn't."

A sniffle. "And Anita... I should never have rejected you for the ardeur, for what it drove you to... I had no right to judge you, Anita. I am so sorry..."

Richard's answer broke something open in my soul, an abscess of hurt I hadn't dared to go near for a long time. It wasn't angry, just wretched and sad at what we had lost, at what we kept doing to each other. What we always do to each other.

I suppose Richard and I then had a good cry as we then hugged. A hug that was slowly joined by everybody present, apart from Illyana that is. It felt good. Things could never be as they once were, as they might have been. As we both had so wanted. But this was good. And maybe, just maybe, we could finally find a way to stop hurting each other.

The group hug lingered, then a cough from her.

"Ahem."

Bitch.

I knew what she was trying to say. But still… bitch.

Part 20c: Richard part 3

Richard simply stood there as Illyana once again began to pace around him. Glyphs and symbols flowed into visibility as she did, following their orbits around him, along with a veritable cloud of lights that I belatedly realized was each its own set of miniaturized orbital structures that defined another person, one of the pack I assumed. There were two far more complex orbital systems that orbited the totality of him, and one looked familiar; as I studied it, I realized it was Jean Claude. That likely meant the other set was me... but even as I realized that, my attention was ineluctably drawn back to the patterns that comprised Richard. None of the symbols were the same as those I'd seen before; it was as if these were of a different font, far more cheerfully colorful and mutable. The thought drifted across my consciousness; of course, because Richard is alive but there was so much more to him. An entire secondary set of orbits were present, colors incongruously pale and pastel, although the sigils were somehow more violent. His were, his beast it occurred to me, those rules were pale because they were in abeyance and not active. But there was a third set that rode the second, somehow; ghostly, almost utterly devoid of color, difficult to focus on... and infinitely more frightening. I had seen that font before... in the sigils surrounding Illyana herself. They smoked, and some appeared to somehow be either on fire or of fire... but no fire that belonged in nature. Their totality of meaning, I had no idea... but… they felt… empty, yet filled with burning power.

The lightshow ended, and Illyana stepped back, gesturing to Richard to keep him from following.

"Alright, Mr. Zeeman. I have an idea of what's likely to occur. I will now summon a deer; please make your kill as quickly as you can. Ms. Blake this will be bloody and likely upsetting so you might want to look away."

Part of me wanted to, but… the rest of me felt I needed to watch. Had to watch. Sorry… was more then just a word. It should have a price.

Richard nodded, tensed, and a few yards away from him a portal flared and dropped a male deer into the clearing. It landed, head darting as it tried to get its bearings, preparing to run.

And Richard, still in human form, pounced upon it, grabbing its antlers close to its head and twisting viciously even as he rode the body to the forest floor. A muffled but clearly audible crack signified the deer's death. And Richard, still riding the deer's death throes, darkened somehow, as if he was suddenly browning in some invisible oven. In my mind's eye, those ghostly lines of runic script erupted into actuality, blazing themselves with sudden intensity, changing him...

And an enormous eruption of flames erupted from Richard's body, his entire form combusting. My scream of mingled rage and horror was dwarfed by the raving bellow of agony that impossibly morphed into the most haunting wolf-howl I had ever heard, as much felt in the soul as in the ears.

Then…

A coal-black wolf the size of a small horse stood over the still smoking ribs of the deer's blackened skeleton, all of the flesh had been consumed in the blaze of hellfire. Reddish smoldering highlights danced over the coarse fur as he, absolutely and impressively male, looked around, flaming eyes surveying us all. Its mouth opened, gleaming iron grey fangs framing its lolling purple-grey tongue, and a flaming glow showed in the back of his throat like a banked fire. Claws the color of blood-rusted metal crushed immolated bone as it approached, and a pleased rumble sounded as it then sat before us.

"Outstanding...!" reverberated thru my head. It sounded like Richard, a Richard stripped of all self-doubt and all restraints. Rage given form. Somehow I was no longer horrified. Scared yes, only a fool would not gaze upon such and feel no apprehension, but no… horror.

He was a hell hound. I had never seen one, but I knew what I was seeing. He shifted back to his human form and for a moment his eyes still glowed with a red light. He again looked uncertain, not meeting my gaze.

The long moment of conversational silence ended as Illyana commented. "Rather impressive Mr. Zeeman, congratulation on a third were form. Fire proof as well. As I said before, just makes a kind of sense."

I then did what I had once been unable to do. What I suppose the old human me could never have done. I walked over and gave Richard a tight hug of acceptance. And as I hugged Richard I felt a sense of envy on the links from her. Envy and confusion.

Envy of our humanity. And confusion about it.

Part 20d: Thoughts

As I hugged Richard I sent her a private message.

(Why no memories this time?)

She sent back. (Because Richard so wished that to not happen. He was terrified of it. That you'd find yet another reason for rejecting him. Sharing equates to rejection I suppose. I can relate. His… desire motivates me to put forth the effort to block memory spillover on all you. That and I'm getting better at this.)

My tone sharpened, and I got a bit nasty. Still upset at seeing Richard on fire. (Better at sinking your hooks into us?)

Tones of anger right back at me from her. (Rather the reverse Ms. Blake. This is me giving up on locking you and yours out. You are my familiars, bits of your soul now resonates within the void of my soul absence. Altering what I was into what I now am. A me that is not her and never can be.)

Then there was pity in her tone, that and rebuke. Pity always makes me angry, of course, anger is partially my default state. She continued.

(I don't know who was more stupid. You Ms. Blake or Mr. Zeeman. Of course you would reject him, how could you not? The monster always gets rejected.)

(Don't you start lecturing me…) I began hotly. (You weren't there, you can't possible understand…)

She interrupted me with a mental growl that sounded like a wolf. (But I was there as I dealt with the flood of what he is. And I see the shear stupidity of his hope. And your blind arrogance about things you knew nothing of. Promises you could not, would not keep. Shards, no wonder she always tried to hid what she was… always rejected whenever the truth was shown…)

A pause, then she continued. (Except Kitty… Kitty never rejected her or ran or…)

She went silent and turned away, leaving me fuming, and yet feeling guilty. Great, rebuked by a demon. What's next?