Chapter Twenty
The Anxiety Reemergence
Sheldon sat with Leonard and Penny in her apartment on Tuesday evening, finishing up the meal of spaghetti and hot dogs she'd prepared. At the beginning of the meal, Penny had lectured about Howard and Raj and him being a jerk and so on and so forth. Sheldon only nodded, and the discussion changed to other things like Leonard's work and the wedding.
As she cleared the plates, Penny glanced at the clock. "Oh, it's about seven. Sheldon, Erik is coming over soon to bring our engagement photos. Not sure if you want to be here."
Sheldon was about to respond when a knock sounded at the door. This would be only his second time talking with Erik. He could be civil. If he wanted to keep Amy as his friend, he'd have to get to know Erik. Maybe try to figure out what she sees in the blonde bum.
Penny greeted Erik at the door, and Sheldon rose to shake hands with the man before taking a seat again. Erik wore an Ant-Man t-shirt.
"Ant-Man huh?" said Leonard, sitting next to Erik as Penny grabbed him a glass of water. "You like the movie?"
"Honestly, I haven't seen it," Erik said. "They give me a new shirt almost every week. Or a hat. Just promotional stuff. Last week it was this old fashioned Pooh and Piglet with some cutesy saying. Adorable, but not something a guy my age can rock. Wore it one day to work, then gave it to Amy. Also, don't tell Disney, but I'm more of a DC man."
"Really?" Sheldon asked, suddenly interested. "Me too?"
"Oh yeah?" Erik said, turning to face Sheldon directly. "Who's your favorite?"
"The Flash. Yours?"
"Batman," Erik said. "I fell in love with Batman when I was a kid, and they had Batman: The Animated Series on after school. Then I was obsessed with the Tim Burton movies. Batman was a huge part of my growing up. Reminds me of being a kid."
Sheldon suddenly flashed back to the day after Amy asked for a break and binging on Batman: The Animated Series. That show was always like chicken soup for him, comforting.
Erik made small talk with Penny and Leonard about their work before turning to Sheldon. "So, do you teach classes at the university as well?"
"I have one on the schedule for fall," answered Sheldon, thinking he should begin to develop a curriculum in case any students signed up and made it past his first lecture.
"And how was your work?" asked Penny.
Sheldon noticed Erik's face fall slightly. Hmmm…thought Sheldon squinting his eyes and trying to stifle a smile. Bad times for blondie? Too bad.
"Well, really good, I guess," Erik began. "Today was a little overwhelming."
"How so?" asked Penny.
"This morning, my partner Nick and I found out the Star Wars Celebration spot we did, you know the one with the actor from the new movie, is going to be on television," Erik said. "And get this, the first week of September, Andy Serkis is going to be in town to record the voice over, and we get to meet him at the studio."
"Gollum!" Sheldon exclaimed. "You get to meet Gollum!?"
"Yeah, I know! I'm so totally stoked," Erik said, his eyes lighting up. "I don't know how appropriate it is to have him autograph something, but I have his book, so I'll bring it in my backpack."
Sheldon thought of his Gollum statue. "Could I give you something as well?"
"Yeah, sure. Just by the end of the month," Erik said, his voice suddenly losing the excitement he'd had over Andy Serkis. "So anyway, my boss was impressed, so she promoted me. I'm in charge of the Halloween campaign for the parks. The television and online platforms."
"Wow, congratulations!" said Penny.
"Thanks," Erik replied, a bit monotone, staring off into space.
Sheldon wished he was better at reading social situations. Still, he was certain Erik's reaction was not one appropriate of someone recently promoted.
"Oh yes, engagement photos," Erik said, grabbing a flash drive out of his backpack.
Leonard plugged the drive into the Blu-ray player, and they began to go through the over 200 photos, many touched up with different color and fading configurations, some simply as they were taken. By the twentieth image, Penny had her over her mouth, a tear in her eye, Leonard's arm draped around her. Sheldon looked at the couple from time to time between watching the photos, feeling happy they were happy. The pictures were simply beautiful, and Sheldon, who normally didn't give art a second thought, felt they captured the true Penny and Leonard he loved.
"God, Leonard, you totally could be an Armani model," laughed Penny, kissing her fiancé.
Sheldon glanced at Erik to see him leaning back on the couch, watching the photos go by with a blank expression, only smiling when the couple turned to comment.
At the end of the slide show, Erik stood and the couple both wrapped him in a hug.
"Such a wonderful gift, Erik," said Penny, her voice a bit high pitched with emotion. "Thank you so very much."
Erik dug through his pocket and handed them a business card. "Get your prints at this photo shop. They do a much better job than the drug stores. I got an enlargement done there for Amy, and it turned out amazing." He glanced at the clock. "I need to head out. Got another early day tomorrow. When we get closer to the wedding, we need to sit down and figure out what you'd like, family shots and all."
After the goodbyes, Penny, Leonard, and Sheldon found themselves alone again, looking through the images, picking out which ones to include in the invitations. After a while, Leonard turned to Sheldon.
"Listen, Sheldon, I want you to be my Best Man," he said. "But you gotta be willing to work with Raj and Howard. And you've got to help me. Can you do that? Do you want to?"
Sheldon gave Leonard a genuine smile. "Yes, Leonard. Thank you so much for asking. And I've been practicing being a good friend."
"Really?" asked Penny with a puzzled expression.
"Yes, so I will be the best Best Man ever," Sheldon said, certain this would be true. After all, he excelled at so many things. And just look how he got along with Erik. Things were definitely starting to go well for Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
Erik walked down the stairs from Penny's apartment, the numbness he'd felt throughout the afternoon returning. In fact, his mood had been declining all day as he looked at the work ahead of him. He'd been promoted; Disney loved the work he was doing, and they put him in charge a major campaign. And he'd only been there for a little over four months. He should feel happy, elated. Instead, he felt that old familiar noose around his neck, the one he hadn't experienced since the week before he met Amy. The one he'd been fighting off and on for over ten years.
Driving back to his apartment, his hands gripped firmly on the wheel, Erik's brain began to race with everything he now needed to do. The raw projects for the Halloween campaign would be due by mid-September, and he'd already committed to a freelance job for Nike this weekend at a local track and field event. Cool, he could totally handle those things. Wait, what would be the focus of the Halloween campaign? The Nightmare Before Christmas was very popular, but he hadn't seen it in years. Maybe he should watch it again tonight. No, maybe the Haunted Mansion or The Legend of Sleepy Hallow. He would need to research what's popular, maybe do a survey at the park this week. They wanted different spots for television and the internet, maybe focus on different age groups.
He'd taken this job to get resettled back with the world, not to see his anxiety rise again. He could handle this. As he drove, he tried to focus on the smaller things, but all the deadlines kept looming into his mind. And he liked everything to be perfect, even the raw material, before submitting it. Hell, he'd just spent hours upon hours over the past two weeks on Penny and Leonard's engagement photos. He knew he obsessed over his work. Maybe he should tell Disney he was happy in his current position. He totally was, going to the park, preparing photos for publicity and social media, occasionally messing around with video. But who turned down a promotion? Nobody in their right mind. But he wasn't in his right mind, was he?
He could do this job, like a normal guy. Maybe he could quit baseball. He was already missing the game this Saturday to cover the Nike event. No, he liked baseball. And he liked having friends. He'd spent years without any sort of connection, and now he had friends and a girlfriend and…
Maybe he should refill that prescription. He'd been off the medicine for over a year, with only the occasional episode. When he settled in Portland two years before to work at Nike, he'd experienced a rather long episode, and his doctor put him on a treatment for several months before he learned how to deal with things naturally. He hated the medicine; it turned him into a zombie. Maybe just through this project, but then they'd give him another and…
Stop looking at the big picture, he willed himself. Stop!
His heart was racing now, so he pulled off the road into a grocery store parking lot, turning off the car and just sitting, his forehead against the steering wheel. He could talk to Amy. She knew he suffered from anxiety and depression; he'd told her all about it. He remembered his doctor telling him to always be honest and open with the people you cared about. Still, he didn't want her to see him like this. Telling her about something in the past was a lot different than her seeing him go through it firsthand. He felt embarrassed, weak. She'd only seen him as the bumbling, happy, slightly awkward photographer. Why couldn't he be that guy all the time?
Would she even understand? He remembered her at the conference in San Francisco, presenting for that large group, going between working with her students to talking bigwigs into donating money. She did those things with such ease; how could she understand that something good like getting a promotion could throw him into such a state of disarray?
No, he didn't want Amy to see this side of him. God, they'd just made love for the first time, and it was amazing. She was amazing. And she'd just got out of a relationship with a maladjusted man only to find herself with someone equally or even more troubled? No, he couldn't do that to her. He could figure this out on his own.
The car was getting warm, so he went into the grocery store, walking up and down the aisles for a bit, finally feeling himself calm down. He would take one day at a time, focus on the smaller things, like he'd been advised in the past. So many things were going right for him: Amy, friends, a good job. He wasn't going to disappear from the world again.
Returning to his car, he drove the rest of the way home, feeling his heart rate return to normal but his brain and body still numb. After taking Honeybee out, he ate a quick meal from the freezer and tried to play a video game. Eventually he turned off all the lights and laid down in bed, staring at the ceiling in the dark for over an hour, images of past anxiety episodes running through his mind. He wasn't going to that place again, not this time. At about 11 p.m., he realized he hadn't told Amy or Jessica or his parents about the promotion, and it was too late to call anyone. He eventually drifted off into a dreamless sleep.
Raj walked down the hall towards Sheldon's office, bemoaning the fact he needed to meet with the man on today of all days. The previous evening, he'd officially called an end to his relationship with Emily. They'd seen each other less and less over the past two months, and Raj knew he needed to actually grow a pair and break up with her. They were just too different. He knew the break up was the right thing to do, but here he was, alone again, probably how he was going to be for the rest of his life.
Sheldon's door was open, and Raj stood in the doorway watching Sheldon staring at one of several dry erase boards. He seemed to be working on some new dark matter theorem. Raj glanced around at the work, raising an eyebrow. The dude was definitely on to something. As strange and annoying as Sheldon could be sometimes, he was remarkably brilliant.
Raj knocked on the door frame, causing Sheldon to jump slightly and turn his direction.
"Hello Raj," Sheldon said, obviously surprised to see him. He sat and gestured for Raj to join him.
Raj entered the office and sat down, studying the boards.
"Wow, Sheldon, man this is good stuff," he said, amazed.
"I think so too," said Sheldon, his voice distant, and Raj noticed his eyes staring off into space. His brain was in another time and place.
"So, I'm here because back in April we committed to an evening lecture on black holes, and it's coming up in two weeks," Raj began. "They already have the flyers posted and a link on the website. So we need to plan what to say and when and…"
"I'm sorry about our argument," Sheldon interrupted, now looking Raj in the eyes. "And I'm sorry I've been callus towards you in the past. I value our relationship, Raj. I want to be a better friend."
Raj stared at Sheldon, his mouth agape. Had Dr. Sheldon Cooper just apologized to him? Raj closed his eyes and quickly shook his head, trying to wake himself up. No, he was already awake.
"I'm sorry too," said Raj slowly. And he really was. He'd had weeks to think about it, and he felt he should have told Sheldon about Erik. He'd been friends with Sheldon a lot longer than with Amy and certainly Erik. Although he was glad to see Amy and Erik together and found the photographer a much better match for her than Sheldon, he did believe in the old adage bros before hoes. "I should have told you about Erik."
"What could I have done about it?" Sheldon said, again shocking Raj with his openness. "I'm not romantic. Amy and I never established emotional or physical intimacy. She has those things with him, and she is happy. I want Amy to be happy."
Raj again found himself just staring at the physicist. He hadn't spoken to Sheldon in weeks; perhaps during that time he'd had a brain transplant?
"And Amy was a distraction in my life," Sheldon continued. "My senses aren't on overload anymore, and I have more space in my mind for this." He gestured at this work around him.
Raj smiled sadly. "Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'm single now too."
"Why would that make me feel better?"
Raj paused, thinking about the odd colloquial term. True, why would that make him feel better? "I mean, we have something in common. Both bachelors and men of science, married to the work, right?"
Sheldon smiled. Hmmm…maybe he could make Sheldon his wing man the next time he went out. When he was ready, of course. He'd been in love with Emily, as terrifying as she could be. He would need awhile.
"Would you like to come over tonight for some gaming and bonding over the loss of our women?" asked Sheldon.
Raj burst out laughing. Hearing those words come from Sheldon was simply too much.
"Yes, that sounds perfect," he finally said. "Let's plan the lecture. I think we'll have a full house."
The two men sat for the next hour, going between talking about black holes and their lives, catching up on the past several weeks. Raj tried to avoid mentioning Erik but soon realized his new friend had become an important part of his life, from belonging to a baseball team to simply hanging out with their dogs. Sheldon flinched at the first mention of Erik, but didn't seem angry. Raj left the office later, feeling much better, realizing how much he'd missed Sheldon.
Amy took Erik out for a celebratory dinner Thursday evening. They hadn't seen each other for a couple days, but kept in constant text communication, sending I Love Yous or funny pictures they found online. Amy knew whenever she got back to her phone, there'd be something there from Erik. She especially loved the dirty texts, and hoped perhaps this evening they could finally get back to what they started the previous Friday. They'd both been so busy with work, him leading a major campaign, her working on IRB approval for her study and curriculum for her upcoming course. Still, she felt so happy. Work going well, a great boyfriend with a fun, creative job. Nothing could go wrong.
But as she sat across from Erik, she noticed he did not seem to be his usual self. A little quieter, a bit off.
"So, I bet it's hard to think about Halloween in August," she said when there was a lull in the conversation.
"Oh yeah. I love Halloween, but I'm sure a California Halloween is much different than a Southwest Washington Halloween. Especially when you lived on the coast. We always had to wear raincoats over our costumes when we went trick or treating," said Erik, laughing. "I always argued with my mom, you know, Superman doesn't need a raincoat."
"My mother never allowed me to dress up for Halloween," Amy said, reflecting on her restricted childhood. "But my friend Stuart, the one who owns the comic book shop I told you about, he throws a party every year. There's even a costume contest."
"We should do some sort of couple costume," Erik said before taking a bite of his pasta.
Amy's heart swelled at the thought. She remembered trying to get Sheldon to cooperate with a couple costume, with little success. Having Erik suggest something out of the blue made her love him even more.
"How about Snow White and her prince?" suggested Amy.
"Does the dude even have a name?"
"You should know. You work for Disney," Amy laughed.
"Hmmm… I've got one," Erik said, the devilish gleam Amy loved so much coming into his eyes. "Han Solo and Princess Leia. Bikini Princess Leia."
"I could never wear that," said Amy, shocked by Erik's suggestion. "Much less leave the house with that on."
"Who said you would even make it out the front door?" Erik said, winking.
Oh Lord, Amy thought. Where's the waiter? We need the bill, and we need to get home now. Amy took a drink of water to cool down, glancing up at Erik who was grinning broadly, knowing the reaction he caused.
"I've missed you the last couple of days, Amy," he finally said, his voice low. "Texting is just not enough. Being near you makes me feel so much better."
That's an odd way of putting it, Amy thought. "Have you not been well?" she finally asked.
"Um, well, no. Kind of. Just a little overwhelmed with the new responsibilities," he replied, not meeting her gaze and moving food around on his plate.
"You'll do just fine, Erik. I know you will. You are so creative. Your work is going to turn out amazing," she said smiling.
Erik glanced up at her and smiled. "I hope so."
As Amy drove them back to their building, Erik turned to watch her. He felt so much better, calmer when she was around. She soothed him, made him laugh. And God, did she turn him on. She parked the car, turned off the ignition, and immediately he grabbed her, bringing their mouths together with one hand while the other traveled up her thigh, under her skirt.
"Erik," she giggled, pushing him away slightly. "We're in the car. Someone might see."
"Come on, Amy," Erik said, his hand still caressing her thigh. "Everyone in the building knows we're together. Or at least they've heard us."
Amy playfully shoved Erik's shoulder. "You are being so naughty tonight."
"There's more where that came from," he said, diving into her warm neck, beginning to suck on her soft skin.
"Well, come and get me," said Amy, suddenly sliding out of the car and running toward the building.
Erik was still leaning into the driver's seat, watching Amy run into the building. So that's how it's gonna be? He grinned and leaped out of the car after her.
His apartment door was slightly ajar, and when he walked in, Amy grabbed him in an embrace, kissing his lips and moving him to the sofa after she closed the door. The lights all off, Honeybee simply returned to her bed when she got no attention.
Amy lightly pushed Erik to sit on the sofa before straddling him, her tongue plunging into his mouth. Erik remembered his vivid dream of Amy in this same position and became even more aroused. She moved herself against him in a slow grinding motion as he unbuttoned her sweater and began work on her blouse.
"Amy, you seriously wear too many layers," he said. "As your boyfriend, I decree you only wear undergarments from now on."
"But what about work?" Amy asked, her smiling eyes meeting his, illuminated only by the streetlights from outside.
"Oh, you can wear your lab coat. But just that," he assured her. "I had a fantasy about that, you know."
"You did?" Amy asked, sounding genuinely surprised. "What happened? Tell me."
"Well, kind of what's happening now," he answered, finally removing her tops, now seeing yet another new bra, a light colored piece barely covering her, nipples erect through the fabric. Dear God, she was going to make a horny mess of him.
"Amy, you're totally killing me with the lingerie," he said, lightly kissing her chest between words. "You know I'm kind of obsessed with your breasts. You're just feeding the addiction."
"Well, that is the focus of my research," said Amy, pulling at his polo shirt, and casting it aside. She ran her finger along his erection, still beneath his jeans.
Erik groaned, leaning his head back. She really knew where to touch him to drive him crazy. And they were only beginning to get to know each other. This was just going to get better and better.
He moved his hands up her thighs and around to her butt, lifting up her skirt, as she continued to move against him. Because of the warm summer night, she wore no tights, so he moved his hands around to her front and simply dived his fingers under her panties, feeling her sensitive area, eliciting a deep moan from her. He loved hearing her respond to his touch, and in their current position, her nipples were right in his face.
Amy stopped moving. "The couch doesn't give us much space," she said. "Meet you in the bedroom?" She jumped up and as she moved to his room, she also removed her skirt.
Erik removed his pants en route and dived onto his girlfriend once he reached the bed, his hands all over her soft body, hearing her giggle, sigh, and groan as he kissed everywhere. She seemed to especially like being kissed on the inner thigh, and he wondered about kissing her in her private area. Too soon, he thought, his face only inches away, the smell of sex beginning to drive him to the edge. But he imagined it. And maybe her kissing, licking him. Damn, he needed to get inside her soon. He slid up her body to meet her mouth, and she rolled him over.
"I know you like this," she said, unsnapping her bra and casting it aside. She then slipped down his body and ran one of her nipples up along the hardness beneath his boxers. Then she jumped off of him, removed the boxers, and then did the same thing again, moving up and down against the main vein on his penis.
"Amy," Erik cried out, feeling pleasure course through him. "You're driving me crazy. How do you know all these things?"
"I don't know," Amy laughed, now lying beside Erik, her face against his, her leg draped across his now naked body. "You just make me bolder. I like your reactions. I'm just, just, so turned on and ready and in love. And horny. Yeah, and completely incoherent."
She was laughing now. Erik loved her laugh. His heart felt so much better than it had in days. His mind empty of everything except Amy.
"I have a request," Erik said.
"Oh my," said Amy, her eyes wide.
"I want you. Now. On top," he said, moving his hands under her panties and beginning to slide them down. "I want to see you. Watch you. Touch you."
Amy bit her lip and nodded, removing her panties all the way as he turned to get a condom from the nightstand. When he had it on, Amy straddled him and began to move herself against his member before lying down on him completely, kissing him deeply. He ran his hands along her back, grasping her behind. Her heard Amy moan, and her mouth dropped to his ears.
"I'm a little nervous," she whispered.
He slid his hand between them to her vaginal area, feeling the wet warmth. He needed inside. Now.
"Amy, it's okay. Just take it slow," he reassured his girlfriend.
She sat up slightly, grabbed his erection, and moved it to her opening. They both began to shift around until he was fully inside, and Erik moved his fingers to her sensitive nub, stroking there as she started to grind on him. He began to thrust up into her, enjoying the tight wetness, her moaning. He marveled how well they fit together. So natural. His free hand tightly squeezed her butt, and he looked up at her. Amy's head was thrown back, eyes closed, hair falling down her shoulders, sweat on her brow. The sounds of her climax became louder. Erik felt his orgasm beginning, and he began moaning her name. God, this was so good. And she was so beautiful.
"Erik, I'm, I'm, oh wow, I…" Amy began but lost words.
Erik didn't even try to talk as he released inside her with a deep groan, sitting up slightly to lean his head into her breasts. Amy wrapped her arms around him tightly, her nails digging into his shoulders, her cries filling the room. When the pleasure began to subside, Erik let his head fall back on the pillow, and Amy collapsed on top of him.
"Babe, you are so hot," he said finally, holding her tightly to him.
"Oh, that was amazing. That was incredible. I've never felt like that," she mumbled into his neck. "I mean, it felt good before, but that was the best yet. Like, every part of me was on fire. You're just, like, a sex god."
Erik began laughing. "Wow, you really know how to boost the male ego."
Amy disengaged from him and rolled over to lay at his side.
"I love you, Erik. I'm so glad to be experiencing these things with you. You really take care of me," she said, her voice soft.
"And you take care of me," he said, wrapping her in his arms. "You have no idea how happy you make me."
The next morning, Amy left Erik early to get ready for her Friday. She gave him a passionate kiss and walked up to her apartment. As he watched her go, his heart felt light with love. Everything would be okay; he had Amy by his side.
Unfortunately, he would not see her for a couple of days. His time was filled with working at the park, covering the track and field event for Nike, and staring at footage and photos on the computer. And when he was available, she was in the lab. He felt his anxiety noose return, and he began to wish he had revealed his problem to Amy. He needed help.
Author's Note: Next time, Amy and Erik fight, and Sheldon might just be in the right place at the right time.