Chapter Twenty: I Don't Sleep, I Dream
Dean yawned widely and stretched his arms out above his head, hands hitting the wooden headboard of his bed.
Yellow morning sunlight filtered through the curtains covering the window, heralding the start of a pleasant spring day and Dean felt its call.
Sitting up, he ran a hand through his short-cropped hair and glanced at his sibling sleeping in the bed next to his. Sam was lying curled in on his side, eyes closed tight, hands scrunched together against his chest.
Dean sighed and stood.
Yesterday had been one unpleasant rollercoaster of emotions. He hoped that today would improve, if only a little bit.
After realizing it would be foolhardy for the angel to erase Sam's memories of the attack and the abuse he'd suffered at Lilith's hands, Dean had returned to his brother's side. He had sat next to Sam on the bed, rubbing his back and murmuring to him comfortingly, letting his brother know that he wasn't going anywhere. Dean didn't know if his actions or words were getting through to Sam but it made him feel somewhat better even if it didn't do anything for his brother.
Later, Dean had managed to coax a few more bites of soup into Sam again before the younger man turned his head away.
Now, Dean was ready to start all over again.
Turning to his brother, Dean reached out and carefully brushed Sam's bangs away from his brow.
"Hey, Sammy," he whispered so as not to startle his sibling.
The younger brother's eyes opened, lowering instantly. Dean smiled despite Sam's lack of response, and reached out, pulling his brother into a sitting position.
"Wanna go downstairs?" Dean asked, "You don't want to stay in bed on a day like this, do you?"
Sam gave no indication that he heard anything his brother had just asked.
"Okay," Dean said, "We're gonna go downstairs."
The older Winchester felt certain that if Sam didn't want to do something, he'd make it known. He already refused to eat if Dean tried to force him to. Standing in front of his brother, Dean reached out and gripped Sam's wrists gently but firmly. Slowly, he managed to tug his brother into a standing position. Releasing his hold on Sam's wrists, Dean waited for a moment, wondering if his brother was going to sit back down on the bed.
Sam however, remained standing, hands at his sides and head bowed.
"Good job, Sammy," Dean said encouragingly, "Let's go downstairs, okay?"
Sam was silent. Dean nodded, biting his lip. He began to back away from his brother, hoping that Sam would follow. Dean reached the end of the bed and waited, breathing a sigh of relief as Sam took two steps forward.
"Okay, Sammy," he said and began walking from the room, hearing the pad of his brother's bare feet behind him.
As they approached the stairs, Dean glanced over his shoulder, seeing Sam about a foot behind him, head lowered, walking like a man on his way to his execution.
Dean frowned but didn't stop. Once he reached the ground floor he stepped to one side so that he wasn't in the way.
"C'mon Sammy," he said, reaching out to touch his brother's shoulder as Sam stepped down from the last stair, "I'll get you some breakfast."
Sam followed Dean into the kitchen; Bobby looking up at the sight of both Winchesters.
"He alright, Dean?" the grizzled hunter asked and Dean nodded, seeing Sam flinch suddenly from the corner of his eye, "I couldn't let him stay in bed any longer."
Bobby nodded and glanced at the younger Winchester sympathetically. Dean didn't really like talking about his brother as though he wasn't in the room, but it was difficult not to, especially when Sam remained so silent and unresponsive.
Dean pulled out one of the kitchen chairs and asked Sam to sit. He did, head bowed, hands still hanging at his sides.
Turning away from his brother, Dean rubbed a hand across his face, trying to think of what he could make Sam for breakfast.
"Dean," Bobby asked, "Mind pouring me some more coffee?"
The older Winchester nodded and took the proffered mug from the older hunter. Again, he saw Sam cringe and he frowned.
"Sammy," he said, reaching out with his free hand to lay his palm against the back of his brother's neck, "It's okay."
Dean's eyes met Bobby's. He could tell that the veteran hunter was thinking the same thing: Why was Sam flinching?
As Dean turned his attention away from his brother to get Bobby some more coffee, the grizzled hunter leaned forward, his elbows on the table as he stared at Sam.
Bobby took the offered mug of coffee Dean had filled up and sipped at the hot liquid for a moment.
"Dean," the grizzled hunter said.
"Yeah?" Dean asked, but Bobby shook his head as Sam flinched, this time actually letting out a whimper.
"Dean," Bobby said again and the younger man frowned, "What are you doing?"
The veteran hunter turned his grey eyes on the younger man's hazel ones, "I think it's yer name, son."
Dean frowned, "What, that's making Sam cringe?"
Bobby nodded. Dean, however, shook his head.
"No, it's not," he protested, "Why would it?"
He pulled Sam's chair out so that he could crouch down in front of his brother, "Sammy? What's wrong, man? Come on, you can tell me."
Dean reached up and tried to raise his brother's head with a hand on his chin but Sam turned his face away.
"Sammy-"
"Dean!" Bobby snapped and the younger Winchester flinched.
Dean didn't move for a long moment, he just stared at his brother.
"Dean," he whispered his own name and elicited the same reaction from Sam.
He looked over at Bobby, at a loss for words.
Why was Sam flinching like this? Why was his name causing his brother so much distress? What had that bitch Lilith done to him now?
"Sammy," Dean murmured, reaching out to hold his sibling's wrist, "Sammy, I'm sorry."
After a moment, Dean stood and glanced again at Bobby.
Why? Dean asked silently, wishing the veteran hunter had an answer.
"Why don't I make y'all something to eat?" Bobby suggested and Dean nodded, "Sure… thanks."
The older Winchester gratefully took a seat beside his brother, peering concernedly at him as Bobby started to make breakfast.
W
"C'mon Sammy," Dean urged, holding out a spoonful of oatmeal towards his brother's mouth, "You've gotta eat some."
Sam turned his face away, refusing to take even one bite.
"Sam," Dean said, his tone more firm, "Just a few bites."
Still, Sam kept his mouth shut tight. Dean sighed and put the spoon back into the bowl. Dean didn't know what to do. His brother had to eat or he'd become sick and that was the last thing Sam needed right now.
Dean set the bowl of oatmeal on the table and stood, raking his hands through his hair.
"Dean!" he heard Bobby call and grimaced as Sam cringed.
"What?" he snapped at the older man.
Bobby, who had been sitting at his desk in the living room, poked his head into the kitchen, "We've got company."
Dean instantly followed his friend into the living room and peered out the bay window to see a dark blue car moving up the driveway.
"Shit," Dean muttered, "Do you know who it is?"
Bobby shrugged, "Could be a civilian or a hunter."
Dean glanced over his shoulder, "I'll take Sammy upstairs."
Bobby nodded, "I'll see iffn I can't keep whoever it is outside."
The younger hunter headed back into the kitchen as he heard the screen door slam, indicating Bobby had already gone outside.
"C'mon Sammy," Dean said and grabbed his brother's wrists, urging him to stand.
Sam followed Dean's lead with no resistance and Dean pushed him forward, trying to get him to walk faster.
Dean should have known his brother would pick up on his anxiety but was still startled when Sam hunched his shoulders protectively, wrapping his arms around his middle, whimpering quietly.
"Fuck," Dean swore, "Sorry, Sam, sorry… but we have to go. Now."
The older Winchester looked up as he heard the screen door creak open and two sets of footsteps enter the house.
"Dean!" a female voice called and Sam flinched, crouching down fearfully.
"Sammy," Dean murmured, bending at the knees alongside his brother, "It's okay, it's okay."
He looked up sharply when the owner of the voice stopped in the doorway and saw Jo standing there, mouth open in shock.
"Sam?" she gasped, hand going to her mouth, "Oh my God!"
The girl's exclamation didn't help matters and Sam whimpered, hands held over his head.
Dean wrapped an arm around his sibling's shoulders, trying to comfort him.
"What are you doing here?" he hissed at Jo angrily.
"I… I just…" the young woman stammered, eyes wide.
"Spit it out!" Dean snapped.
Jo took a step back, looking like she was going to start crying.
"What did you do?" she asked, "Dean, what did you do?"
Dean felt his brother trembling and he glanced at Sam.
"I didn't do anything," he said, still looking at his sibling.
"But-" Jo began but Dean held a hand up, "I'll tell you. Just… let me take Sammy upstairs."
Jo Harvelle nodded, crossing her arms over her chest.
"Sammy," Dean murmured, "It's okay, c'mon, let's go upstairs."
Gripping his brother's elbows, Dean helped his brother stand. Sam shied away from the female hunter as his brother led him out of the kitchen and Dean couldn't help but think of that petite, fair-haired demon who had been in the house along with Lilith when he'd rescued his sibling.
"It's alright Sammy," Dean muttered comfortingly, "She's not going to hurt you."
He looked up at Bobby who was standing in the living room, "Why'd you let her in?"
The grizzled hunter just looked at him, "That girl's got a temper on her to rival her mother's. She wasn't going to take 'no' for an answer."
Dean shook his head and resigned himself to the fact that someone else was bound to find out about Sam eventually. He guessed he should be glad it was Jo and not one of the assholes Bobby knew and sometimes worked with.
Up in the guest bedroom, Dean had Sam sit down on his bed, taking a seat beside him. He rubbed soothing circles on Sam's back, trying to comfort and calm him.
"It's okay, Sammy," he murmured, "It's just Jo. You remember Jo, right?"
Sam leaned heavily against his brother, shaking. Dean sighed as his brother rested his head against his chest.
After a long moment, Dean carefully stood up and helped Sam lie down. His brother's eyes were open and red-rimmed, his face pale.
"I'll be right, Sammy," Dean told him, "I promise."
He didn't want to leave his brother, not when Sam was so clearly upset and scared, but he needed to talk to Jo.
Heading back downstairs, Dean spoke to Bobby.
"Can you go and sit with Sam?" he asked, not sure if his brother would be as receptive to the older hunter as he seemed to be to Dean but the elder sibling didn't like the idea of leaving Sam alone.
Bobby nodded, pausing to place a hand on Dean's shoulder for a moment before heading upstairs.
W
Dean found Jo in the kitchen. She was sitting at the table, mug of coffee sitting before her, her expression troubled.
The young woman looked up when she heard Dean enter the room and watched as he took a seat in his vacated chair, reaching up to stir the oatmeal he'd been attempting to feed Sam, distractedly.
"What happened?" Jo asked, "He… Sam was dead, wasn't he?"
Dean shook his head, "No, he wasn't."
He heard Jo give a small gasp of surprise and he looked up.
"If he wasn't dead then-" she began but Dean interrupted her.
"He made a deal," he said quietly, "Only it wasn't for his soul."
Jo closed her mouth and nodded, signaling for Dean to continue.
"Sam sold himself into slavery," he said, "In exchange for my life."
Jo said nothing, clearly trying to digest this revelation.
"I didn't know," Dean continued, "I thought he was dead. The demons did a damn good job in making me believe it too."
"And all this time Sam was still alive," Jo said, mostly to herself, trying to come to grips with the fact that the young man she'd thought was gone, wasn't and Dean nodded.
The older Winchester swallowed thickly. He jumped a little when he felt a small, warm hand touch his. Looking up, he saw Jo staring at him, her brown eyes moist.
"What… What did they do to him?" she asked in a whisper.
Dean pulled his hand out from under the girl's. He didn't particularly want to describe every detail of Sam's abuse to Jo, even though she was a friend, some things just had to be kept private.
"They tortured him," he admitted.
"What-" Jo began but Dean shook his head.
The girl frowned, "Can't you tell me? I'm Sam's friend too, you know!"
Dean peered at the girl who looked so young and innocent.
"I know you are," he told her sincerely, "But there are some things that I can't tell you."
Jo opened her mouth but closed it again; the expression on Dean's face convincing her that he wasn't going to be swayed.
"Okay," she said, her voice almost inaudible.
The girl took a long drink of coffee before speaking again.
"Is there anything I can do?"
Dean shook his head, "I don't think so."
Jo looked disappointed. She stood up, "I should go."
Dean didn't know exactly what to say. He didn't really want the girl staying if her presence was upsetting Sam but she clearly was reluctant to leave.
"Drop by sometime," Dean told her, "Maybe in a few weeks? Or call?"
Jo gave him a wan smile, "Sure."
Dean walked with her to the door, startled when Jo suddenly hugged him.
"Give that to Sam for me," she said with a self-conscious smile and turned, walking out the door.
SPN
Bobby headed upstairs, hand on the railing, hoping he'd be able to comfort the younger Winchester.
Reaching the top floor, the grizzled hunter turned down the hallway and peered into the guest bedroom. Sam was lying on his side, eyes open.
"Sam," Bobby said, and stepped into the room, "How're you doing, son?"
Sam blinked but didn't react to the veteran hunter.
Bobby smiled and sat down on the edge of Dean's bed, facing the young man.
"S'alright, son," he said and reached out, laying a hand on Sam's shoulder.
The young man didn't pull away but he also didn't react in any other way either.
Bobby sighed and stood, moving to sit beside Sam on the bed. Sam shifted his head slightly, as though trying to look at Bobby without actually meeting his gaze.
"Oh son," the grizzled hunter muttered, "What are we going to do?"
SPN
Dean opened the bedroom door and peered inside. He smiled at the sight of Bobby sitting on the bed beside his brother, hand lightly gripping the younger man's shoulder.
The veteran hunter looked up, "Jo gone?"
Dean nodded, "Yeah."
Bobby stood, "Do you wanna try going back downstairs again?"
Dean shook his head, "Nah, I think Sam's had enough excitement for today."
"I'll go an warm up that oatmeal then," Bobby told him, "I'll bring it up when it's ready."
Dean smiled, "Thanks."
He watched as the grizzled hunter left the room, going to his brother's side. He crouched down beside the bed and brushed Sam's bangs away from his brow.
"How you doing, Sammy?" he murmured.
The younger brother did not answer but held his hand out. Dean reached out and gripped his brother's fingers, squeezing gently, smiling.
W
"C'mon Sammy," Dean encouraged, "One more bite, man."
Sam turned his face away from the offered spoon.
"Sammy," Dean almost begged, "Just one more mouthful."
The younger man refused still.
"Please," Dean continued but it was clear that his brother had shut down again.
Sighing, the older Winchester set the spoon down in the bowl. He wiped a hand over his face and stood, lifting the bowl of oatmeal with him.
W
Sam remained upstairs for the rest of the day. Dean spent almost all his time with his brother, comforting him, letting him know that everything was going to alright.
Later, in the evening, Dean took Sam into the washroom and gave him a bath. He would have had Sam take a shower, as he had done the night they returned to the Salvage Yard, but with his brother's catatonic state, Dean felt it safer if he kept an eye on him.
Sam sat in the bottom of the tub, knees pulled up to his chest with his arms wrapped around his shins.
Dean dipped a washcloth into the warm water, squeezed it and rubbed it gently across Sam's shoulders.
"That feel good, Sammy?" Dean asked, thinking back to when Sam had been an infant and he had helped their Mom give his baby brother baths.
With his free hand, Dean brushed Sam's bangs away from his forehead. Sam wasn't looking at him but he didn't appear to be distressed so the older brother continued his ministrations.
Once the bath was finished and Sam was dressed in clean clothes- a black t-shirt, boxers and grey jogging pants- Dean took him back to the bedroom.
"Why don't you get some rest, Sammy?" he asked his brother, sitting him down on the edge of the mattress.
The young man sat down obediently, head bowed.
Dean sighed and ran his hand through his short-cropped hair.
It had been a long day and Dean had seen no real improvement in his brother. Even though Bobby had told Dean that Sam wasn't going to bounce back in the span of twenty-four hours, the young man couldn't help but feel discouraged. Sam was still catatonic, unresponsive and the only time he reacted was negatively, to Dean's name when he flinched.
"Remember there's still tomorrow," Dean muttered out loud and helped his brother lay down, draping the blanket over his shoulders.
The older Winchester turned and headed slowly downstairs, meeting Bobby's grey eyes and shaking his head helplessly.
"He'll get better, Dean," Bobby told him.
"When?" The older brother asked desperately.
"I don't know, son," the veteran hunter he said truthfully, "I just don't know. I guess only time will tell."
Author's Note:
Chapter title comes from a R.E.M song of the same name.
Thanks to Jenjoremy, mandancie, jensensgirl3, reannablue, Souldarkalone, Kas3y, Dani, SamDeanLover28, Lisa Boon, BranchSuper, angeleyenc, L.A.H.H, babyreaper, whimsicalbarwench, SPN Mum, sarah, Art Is The Weapon, and Mistycat for reviewing.
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