Luck
from Yehuda Amichai's The body is the cause of love
But when the body dies, love is set free
In wild abundance,
Like a slot machine that breaks down
And with a furious ringing pours out all at once
All the coins of
All the generations of luck
Kaidan lay in the metal box in his dress blues. His dog tags hung from her hand. Death rendered the stiff pale features of his face unfamiliar. In an hour, she would close the capsule and lead the short proceedings before they ejected his body into space. A burial among the stars, where no Reaper could corrupt his corpse.
She swung the tags back and forth. They'd done so little for Ash. There was never time on a working warship, little enough to consider the losses when busy saving the rest. She'd not been there for the service for Pressly and the other 19 lost with the original Normandy. The one that should have included her. Soldiers die. Marines don't last. Who's like us? She closed her eyes at the memory of Vega and the other marines' enthusiasm with the hoo-rah at the bar.
What comfort could be derived now from what their sacrifices accomplished? Civilians protected. Disasters averted. Civilizations spared. They served for love of country and cause. Kaidan, Ash and she had served for love of family as well, and then for love of each other, like any good crew. The comfort really came from that, from caring about one's brothers and sisters in arms. It's them they first protected, them they fought to save. It's what gave them the strength to keep pulling the trigger. Love. Loyalty. Each other. The bizarre business of killing and dying.
The tags dangled from her fingers. She pinched one, ran a thumb over the metal-punched letters. A haiku of identification. In an hour, that would be all of Kaidan left on the ship. She knew what she had to do and what she would say, as surely as she knew those letters. Her duty and her honor, to lead, even through this. She knew it had almost been her too, lying there, but the fact didn't take the sting away. Kaidan, dead. He survived Mars for this?
Elbows on her knees, she ran the hand not holding his tags through her short, dark hair, as she bowed her head. The dressings around her abdomen pulled in this position, but the tenderness was gone. She felt physically better than she had in a long time. She'd risen from the surgery bed and returned to duty, gone about her rounds, gone on. The world and war did not stop for the death of one man.
But this once, she'd stopped the clocks in her room, torn her collar, and ordered a reception in the lounge after with plenty of booze, an XO's task for the XO she'd lost. She did it for all of them as much as for Kaidan. They faced terrible odds, and they were … family. After two impossible missions and her own death, she'd learned: Don't wait. Share the memories and one another's company while you can. It's why she'd proposed to Liara despite the war, and because of it, to share whatever she had left, all she had.
The crew wouldn't get another chance together like this. In the next two weeks, there would be a lot more capsules, or possibly all of them dead. The extinction of the human race, of the asari, the krogan, the turians, the quarians, the geth, the salarians; they would all be doomed if they failed. All the people that anyone loved, except for this one, lying in front of her, beyond concern.
Sitting there on the observatory bench next to the dais they'd made for the capsule holding Kaidan's body, Shepard gave herself this hour to stay with him in his favorite place on the ship, one last time. His memory would stay with her longer, as long as she lasted. That's how she'd honor him, while she could. Mordin, Thane, Kaidan, she didn't think it would be long before she joined them. Surely, her luck couldn't last forever. Her free hand pressed her own tags to her chest.
The day before…
As she came round, she recognized the hand holding hers, the texture of the thumb stroking its back. Opening her eyes confirmed it. Liara stood there, her eyes full of fatigue, tenderness and concern. She looked much better, a healthier blue with no visible bruises. Shepard smiled, squeezed Liara's hand then released it to lift her arms over her head and stretch her full body, pointing her toes, feeling the ache as the skin tightened over her ribcage as she alternated sides. She felt almost good, so she pushed herself to sit, with little wooziness and a mild deeper ache. That pleased her, but a tugging and pinching at her neck did not. With one hand she reached up and felt where the drips attached.
Chakwas bustled over. "Not so fast, Commander." She read the monitors and smiled.
"Can I get these things out?" Shepard indicated the tubes protruding from her neck. "They itch."
"In a moment. We are going to have a conversation first." The look Chakwas gave her was serious.
"First," Shepard countered, "you are going to report on the team's status." Even sitting there naked with the blanket around her waist and tubes coming out of her neck, she managed to maintain her authority. Liara marveled at her ability to do that, even as she dreaded Shepard's reaction.
"You had massive internal bleeding, the cause of which we are about to discuss. Liara's wounds have been addressed, as have Miranda's. Major Alenko was KIA, and it's only by luck that you weren't as well." Chakwas did not completely manage to stifle her anger at that last part. Shepard's eyes narrowed momentarily, then she saw Kaidan's body on the far table, and swung a leg over the side of the bed.
"No," Chakwas placed a hand on Shepard's shoulder. "You need to stay put."
"Remove them, or I will," Shepard ordered, wrapping her fingers around the tubes. But she couldn't move; a stasis field caught her.
"No, you will not," Liara said quietly. She walked around the bed to look in Shepard's face before she dropped the field.
Shepard lowered her hand, her face impassive. "The conversation can wait until I've showered, eaten, dressed and made my report." Shepard tilted her neck back expectantly.
Liara and Chakwas exchanged a glance.
"Do you have any reason to keep me, Doctor?" Shepard kept her head tilted back.
"You've made a strong recovery, but I will not sign off on your being fit for duty until I'm satisfied you have rested sufficiently AND we've talked." Chakwas pushed Shepard back into a prone position, checked the readings, and switching the drips off. She turned her full attention to removing the tube and line from Shepard's jugular. "Don't move."
When the lines were out, and a medi-gel bandage covered the spot, Chakwas moved back. Without looking at her, Shepard slid off the bed and onto her bare feet, leaving the blanket behind. She was steady, and took a few steps, then noticed Miranda and Oriana.
Chakwas turned to clean the bed, sterilize and stow equipment.
Shepard, naked except for her bandages, regarded the two Lawsons. Oriana cleared her throat and looked away. Miranda, however, did not. Leaning back against the lab table in borrowed dress blues, arms crossed in front of her, she slowly looked Shepard over, from her toes to the tip of her head and back.
Liara found the woman's deliberate, proprietary inspection of her bondmate provocative. If Chakwas had not already tipped the blanket into the sterilizer, she would have placed it around Shepard. "EDI, could someone bring the Commander some clothes?" Liara asked.
"I'm sure Specialist Traynor would be happy to help." EDI answered. Liara did not relax. Chakwas moved to where she could see the room.
Shepard made no effort to hide from Miranda's scrutiny. She simply asked, "Well Miranda, is it still under warranty?"
Miranda met her gaze. "I'm afraid, Commander, that you break it, you buy it remains our policy."
"You mean this?" Shepard pointed to the bandage around her middle. "That's just a scratch." She examined Miranda. "Never thought I'd see you in an Alliance uniform. It suits you."
"Don't get used to it." Miranda warned, tilting her head to one side. From that angle, Shepard could see bruises at her throat and scalp.
"Why not?" Shepard's glance shifted briefly to where Oriana stood, staring intently at the wall. "The war effort could use your help."
Miranda noticed the shift. "It will have it, after I take my sister some place safe. You know she doesn't belong here."
"I know. We will help you both get to wherever you need to go." Shepard walked over where Kaidan's body lay under a cloth. Chakwas had curled his tags into a little pile on this chest. Liara watched intently as Shepard regarded him for a moment, then turned back to Miranda. "Do you have something to do with my survival?"
"Yes."
The door opened to reveal Samantha clutching a neatly folded uniform. Averting her gaze, she walked sideways toward the Commander and held out what was in her arms. "Here, ma'am. I'm sorry, but I didn't ... There's no... I just …" she stopped as she met the asari's gaze. "Here." Miranda raised an eyebrow.
Shepard absently took the clothes from her. "This will do. Dismissed."
Samantha left.
In less than three minutes, Shepard had dressed. "Before I go, Miranda, have you and your sister settled where you'll sleep while you're with us?"
"Chakwas has us set up in the AI core, which is fine." Miranda shifted, and stood up. "Commander, we need to talk before you make your report."
Shepard regarded her for a long moment, then nodded. "I'll find you and Chakwas here after I've showered. And Miranda, while you wear that uniform, put your hair up. It's regulation, and a good idea when fighting hand to hand." Shepard strode out of the room without a backward glance, Kaidan's tags in her fist, leaving Miranda to meet Liara's gaze at last.
Miranda looked away first.
Liara sat on their bed in the Loft, listening to the shower. She had followed Shepard up, but now.… She stood, paced a few times, then headed out the door and to her cabin. Once in, she locked the doors, muted Glyph, and sat cross-legged at the foot of her bed to meditate. It had been a long time since she had found the exercise necessary. The events of the past day had shaken her more than she liked to admit.
Her difficulty in maintaining her own self in the meld suggested that her current state of turmoil reflected something similar. The bond between her and Shepard might be confusing them both with each other's emotions. If so, it would explain much. It might, for instance, explain the increased aggressiveness and fear she'd been experiencing. Conversely, her own strong feelings might have contributed to Shepard's erratic judgments and actions before and during the mission. It would be wise to discuss this with Shepard, once she had sorted things out, or if that eluded her, to test her theory. Centering herself and figuring out what she wanted and needed could only help them both.
The way Liara had learned to face her fears she would never forget. So she knew better than to push aside the image of Shepard leading a shadow army of the dead when it arose in her mind. This fear troubled her more than even Miranda's re-entry into their lives, and the meaning of Shepard's response to it.
James hesitated in the medbay doorway. "Hey Doc, is it okay if I come in?"
"My door's always open, Lieutenant." Chakwas called over her shoulder as she pecked away at the keyboard in front of her, finishing her reports on Liara, Miranda, and Kaidan. The AI core had been left open and a cot, chairs and a small table had been delivered for the comfort of the two guests now setting the room up and chatting quietly.
His shoulders drooped as he spied Kaidan's body. He practically tiptoed into the room and over to it. If he or the Major had been N7s, he wondered, would it have made any difference? Maybe the Commander had been right, that sometimes you couldn't blame yourself for doing what you had to do. Maybe sometimes nothing could be done. Things couldn't always go as planned, and the search for some way it could have gone better brought regret for what couldn't be changed. If you fight, you risk death, and it comes when it will. He crossed himself and Kaidan, offered a short prayer he knew, and kissed the medallion his abuella had given him, just in case.
When Chakwas turned around, James had already left.
In the AI core, Oriana helped Miranda move the table from the center of the room closer to the door. Anywhere they set it, short of the bed, would work for her. Honestly, it amused her a little to see her sister fuss over the exact placement. She suspected something else bothered her. "I never thought I'd actually get to meet the famous Commander Shepard," she stated nonchalantly. "Let alone see her naked."
Miranda looked up from where she'd been focusing on putting the table to see her sister grinning and accidentally set the table down too quickly on her own toe. "Ow! Ori!"
"You can hardly blame me. How could I expect you'd be so easily distracted by the mere mention of her when a little while ago you were staring at her body absolutely shamelessly? Just what's the deal between you two? It's clear she's with the asari, who by the look of things this morning, plans to kill you. Does that happen to you a lot?" Oriana sat on the table, and patted a spot next to her. "Come, tell Auntie Ori." She preferred this conversation to her sister's attempts to have her talk about her time on Horizon, something she wanted very much to forget already.
"I wish I could say no, but there's nothing to tell. I'm not used to these low heels. It upsets my center of gravity, that's all." Miranda bent and rubbed her calf to distract her body from the pain in her toes. "Let's finish setting up the room." She moved over to the cot. "How much privacy do you want?"
"Less than you. Put it by mine." Oriana slid off the table to help Miranda again. "What did the Commander mean by asking you about a warranty?"
With Ori's help, Miranda carefully placed the cot at a 90-degree angle beside the built-in platform, sighed and ran her fingers through the front of her hair, pulling it out from where she'd put it up. She wasn't used to the tension on her scalp of having it up, and it ached a bit from the bruises. "You know I don't like to talk about my time with Cerberus." She retwisted her hair into a bun, and using the clips Chakwas had given her, fixed it in place again.
"Miri, this is me. I just survived Sanctuary thanks to you. What more do you need to protect me from? I've seen who our father is, was, and what Cerberus and he were or are capable of doing. You told me you left them because you didn't believe in their methods any more. So believe in me. Whatever you've done, I won't stop loving you. In fact, if it involves the Commander, I may just love you more." She grinned again. "She has a nice body, on top of everything else. I can understand why you like her."
With a shake of her head, Miranda sat down on the cot. "And you call me shameless."
Her sister settled gracefully beside her. "You know you'd have to let me in for me to be a real sister to you. I'd like for us to be close."
Uncertain, Miranda looked sideways at her sister. "I'd like that, Ori, but as your big sister, I'll always want to protect you." Miranda looked at her feet, at the boot that hid her now dully throbbing toes. On this ship, Oriana might hear anyway, if she talked to anybody else. Miranda decided it was probably better if it came from her. "One of the last things I did under Cerberus' aegis was to rebuild Commander Shepard."
"You mean enhance her with things like that weave you and the doctor yelled about last night?" Oriana felt grateful that no gases and glass holding cells were anywhere to be seen. Not that her sister could be at all like their father, she knew that.
"It was more than that, Ori. She'd been on the original Normandy when it had been attacked and torn apart." For the umpteenth time, Miranda felt a flash of relief that the Illusive Man had kept her from implanting a control chip in Shepard.
"And you saved her life? How romantic!" Oriana had a very sweet and mischievous smile.
"Not exactly. She died. I brought her back. It took two years of grueling effort to restore all her major systems, organs, tissues, nerves, muscles—everything—grafting in cybernetics when they could improve without altering her." Going to Sanctuary to rescue Ori felt like less of a risk than this admission. "The weaves came later, when she had regained consciousness. Those were her choice." Miranda kept her eyes on her feet, afraid to see her sister's expression. "It couldn't have been less romantic. Please don't even joke about that. She is with the asari, with Liara."
Oriana's eyebrows raised as she regarded her sister. "You brought her back from the dead?! How is that even possible? Bones alone take 10 years to regrow and the kind of … what you're talking about would …." Her mind boogled, then started guessing how it could have been done. "Oh, so now I get the joke." The doors to the medbay opened, and there the Commander stood, and that was thanks to her sister, thanks to Miri that the Collectors had been defeated, that the Commander could rescue them on Horizon, and that the battle against the Reapers had this champion. She stared wide-eyed at the two women. No wonder they seemed to share some kind of intimacy. She could hardly imagine what that would be like, to have rebuilt someone and work with them, or to be in the presence of the person you knew had rebuilt you.
Shepard frowned, not liking the way Oriana was looking at her. "Miranda?"
"One moment, Shepard," Chakwas stood and walked to her as Miranda got up. "I'll give you the privacy of the medbay for your talk, but first I want to know why you didn't tell me about the enhancements you had Miranda make during the Collector mission. Why wasn't I involved or even notified? It almost cost you your life. I'm very upset that you didn't trust me with this information." The thin line of her lips and furrowed brow made it clear. "That you did this essentially behind my back!"
In all their years together, Shepard couldn't remember ever making Karin angry. Clearly, she had now. "Doctor Chakwas…" Miranda joined them, aware of the growing tension. "I didn't tell you because I think of you as the doctor …." She swallowed. Even though she did trust Karin, this was difficult to admit, "for the parts of me that are human."
"You what?!" For a moment, Chakwas was speechless.
Miranda hated to hear Shepard talk about this. "Shepard, you're no less human…."
"Than what, Miri?! Than he was?" Shepard interrupted and pointed to where Kaidan's body rested not three feet from her. "We both know that's not true."
"Miri?" Miranda frowned. Shepard had never addressed her so familiarly before.
"Sorry … Miranda," Shepard corrected herself. "I don't know why I said that."
"I was going to say that you are no less human than I am." Miranda challenged her to say otherwise with her glare. "What is it? Do you wish you'd had no enhancements so that you could still be dead now?"
Chakwas frowned as she looked between the two. "Commander Shepard, I am your doctor, and that means for all of you, whether your parts are organic or not," she said sternly. "Your best interests have always been my first priority, and I have been right here with you through it all, something not everyone in this room or ship can claim! I consider it the height of unethical that any practitioner of any sort would go forward with any such change if aware of its likely psychological effect on you or of how you've struggled to accept your implants!" She stopped to breathe deeply, looking off to the side, to the surgery table where Shepard had lain. Some of what she felt, she recognized, was residual from coming so close to losing Shepard the day before. The infuriating woman meant a great deal to her. "Are there any more surprises I should know about?"
Miranda and Shepard replied at the same time, "No!" They stared at each other.
Chakwas sucked in a breath, watching them, thought better of what she was about to say, and waited.
Shepard continued, "Doctor … Karin, I am sorry. I do trust you, all the time, with my life. You are right. I should have told you."
"I agree. We'll talk about your full humanity later," Chakwas said, glaring at Miranda, her voice brusque. "For now, I'll leave you two to it." She strode briskly out of the medbay.
With a snort, Shepard turned back to Miranda. "What the hell, Miranda?"
"Miri?! … Shepard? Don't you bloody give me a hard time!" Miranda's eyes flashed. Never in a million years would she admit how hearing Shepard address her like that had affected her.
"Do I wish I could still be dead?! This whole situation is absurd. So is my still being alive." Shepard closed her eyes and started to laugh. "What is wrong with me? I must be losing my mind." She opened her eyes and looked at Miranda, laughing helplessly. "Seriously, could there be a malfunction in some device in here?" She tapped her head.
"Stop it, Shepard," Miranda warned. She reached over and turned the windows opaque, catching a glimpse of Chakwas and some other crew members looking in. She patted Shepard awkwardly on the back. "Get a hold of yourself, Commander!"
Shepard's shoulders shook as her laughter turned into dry sobs. "He's dead. He's really dead. We stood together in this room yesterday, and then I left him behind…" Shepard pressed her fingers into her eyes, her sobs subsiding. "It would be comforting to blame it on some hardware glitch."
Oriana cleared her throat. "Excuse me, may I come in?"
Miranda strode over and pressed the button keeping the AI core's door open. "No!"
"Miri, the Commander needs .…" The door shut out the rest of what she tried to say.
Miranda turned her back on the door, but stayed there, on the other side of the room. "Shepard." The woman's loss of composure troubled her. Though Miranda knew reasons why Kaidan's loss might have triggered some much earlier memories, she feared to bring it up in case something else had caused this uncharacteristic loss of control.
"You're right, as always," Shepard took a deep breath and wiped her eyes, keeping her back to Kaidan. She turned off the window's opacity. On the other side of the windows Chakwas sipped tea while crew members in the mess stared in with undisguised curiosity. "EDI, please send six free crewmembers up with a capsule, have them place Major Alenko's body in it, and set it up on the observation deck for viewing. Inform the crew the service will be held at 1500 hours tomorrow."
"As you wish, Commander."
Shepard turned and observed the distance between her and the other woman. "Miranda?"
"If the Shadow Broker and Cerberus were gunning for me, I don't think I'd survive," Miranda retorted.
At the mention of the Shadow Broker, Shepard felt a calm inexplicably descend on her. "Fair enough. Let's make sure you remain in Liara's good graces. For all you keep saving my life, she doesn't seem very fond of you."
"Shepard ... bloody hell!" Miranda clenched her fists in agitation. "You idiot!" She chose her words very carefully. "You know she and I have a past." There was nothing more she could say, really. "As do you. Is survivor's guilt catching up with you?" With her sister so close to safety, Miranda struggled not to have Shepard become another person she'd worry terribly about.
Shepard shrugged, ready to change the subject, having completely pulled herself together. "What did you want to talk with me about?"
Miranda approached and stood on the other side of the surgical bed closest to Shepard. She pulled a small metal device with a large screen out of her a pocket and held it out. "This."
Shepard squinted at the electronic symbols and writing scrolling across the device's screen. It took her a moment to identify it. Her entire aspect changed. "A tracking device! Tell me you dropped a tracker on Kai Leng!"
With a small smile at Shepard's excitement, Miranda nodded. "You can follow him to the main Cerberus base with this. I thought you could use some good news."
Device in hand, Shepard felt her heart lift. With genuine joy, she grinned crookedly at Miranda, "You thought of everything! You genius, you!"
Miranda couldn't tear her gaze away. "Well, not everything, but no one's perfect."
"Damn close," Shepard studied the tracker's screen again. "Thank you, Miranda." When she looked back up, her expression had become more serious. "You took a hell of a risk, going there by yourself. Why didn't you take back up, or let me know?"
"You have a war to win. This was something I needed to do myself. I know you would have been there if I'd asked." Miranda kept her gaze on the bed's surface.
"Well, you accomplished what few others have. You went up against Kai Leng single-handedly and survived." Shepard shook her head. "I'm glad. You injured him enough he resorted to running when we showed up. I'd love to know how you did that."
"I can do better. I can show you," Miranda offered. "If you have time."
Shepard grinned again. "I'd like that."
*Breathless is part of a trilogy in progress on Rachel Shepard and Liara T'Soni. If you enjoyed this, check out Broken and Haunted, the first and middle books.