AUTHOR'S NOTE: Okay, so just a quick note from me. First of all thank you for sticking with me throughout this saga guys, it is much appreciated. In particular thank you to my latest reviewer who is anonymous and just calls herself huge fan. I would have replied personally but will do it here instead. Thank you for your very kind words and I'm always thrilled when my stories make people laugh. That is just so wonderful and amazing to me so thank you so much for sharing your pleasure with me.
Now I must confess that I've had this chapter written for months and had thought I'd already posted it but nope, turns out that I haven't. Whoops. So here it is now and sorry to everyone that I left hanging. I fully intend to come back and finish this fic but right now I'm concentrating hard on "Fated", my mega story which unbelievably I'm almost done with. Colour me excited! Anyways, I want to get that story done and dusted and then concentrate of this story amongst a few others I've got brewing in the back of my mind.
If you enjoy the humour of this one I've got a couple of fics coming up that you might enjoy as well. One is "A Liar & a Thief" which is an AU EJami fic with them in Bucharest in 1919. It should be a rollicking good adventure. My other fic I'm percolating is called "An Unkindness of Ravens" and stars EJami and yes, Uncle John. LOL Again it is an AU fic which is going to be written as a schlocky B-grade creature feature complete with suitably disgusting parasites inhabiting people's body. Man I'm a sucker for those. LOL Can you imagine Uncle John in that kind of situation... he'll be bringing his straw for sure. ;)
But back on task, here is the next chapter of this story and as I said, I will be working on "Fated" before getting back to this one so maybe a month or so, not sure. I'm notoriously bad at judging these things and then oh yes, real life gets in the way. Silly real life. But I promise I will finish this fic and there are good and bad times ahead and hopefully a lot more laughs. Thanks for your patience guys. :D
Chapter TWENTY – All is Well That Ends Well
"Oh I feel like I'm in an episode of Universal Hospital," said Joseph excitedly as he trotted alongside Sami and Eric who had EJ in a wheelchair as they hurried down halls of SU hospital.
"Why do these things keep happening to us?" asked Sami with a groan, not exactly sharing his enthusiasm.
"John," said Eric easily.
"Don't remind me," said Sami darkly as they rounded a corner into the ER.
EJ for his part was happily singing away at the top of his voice as they hurried along.
"SHOME WHERE OVHER CHA RAINBOW BLAH BLAH HIGH!"
"Who knew the guy would know so many show tunes?" said Eric, trying to hide his amusement from his decidedly unamused sister.
"I think that is me," said Joseph with a wrinkle of his nose, "I gave the twins the entire showcase of everything Judy Garland ever sang and we like to sing them together."
"EJ honey you have to stop singing," Sami said, putting her face level with EJ's.
EJ's face lit up at seeing her.
"Schamantha!" he said ecstatically, "Youse here!"
"Of course I am EJ," said Sami with a vaguely pained smile, "We're at the hospital and we're going to get you some help okay?"
"Oshay," said EJ, bobbing his head and looking very serious, mimicking Sami's expression.
Just then Tracy, LJ and Julie appeared from around the corner.
"Sorry," LJ apologised, "Parking was a nightmare – have you seen a doctor yet?"
"No not yet," said Sami, looking around herself for a doctor, "EJ was being difficult and we took awhile to get him out of the car."
"That helmet came in real handy," said Eric knowingly, rapping his knuckles on the top of EJ's helmet.
"Come in!" called out EJ merrily.
"How long do you think he'll be like this for?" asked Sami in concern, biting her lip anxiously.
"Well usually that dose knocks an aardvark out for about an hour," said LJ thoughtfully, "But a human's metabolism is different to an aardvark's and the fact EJ is still conscious makes me think he must weigh a little more than the aardvark."
"So you don't know," said Sami with a pained expression.
"Not really," said LJ apologetically, "This doesn't happen too often thank goodness."
"Here comes a doctor," Julie announced, looking at the woman in a white coat walking towards them.
Eric and Tracy blanched to see who it was, the doctor from only a couple of days ago who had tended to their Smokey inflicted wounds. The doctor arched an eyebrow at seeing them as the two men tried to give frantic little shakes of their head to her. Dr Wells' professional smile didn't alter as she looked down at EJ.
"So what do we have here?" she asked calmly, "Motor bike accident?"
"No," said Sami unevenly, "My husband was shot."
"In the butt," said Joseph.
"With a tranquilliser meant for an aardvark," finished off Julie.
Cory looked from one to the other and then back at EJ whose head was now listing to one side.
"Please tell me you didn't bring this man over here on the back of motor bike," said Cory with some concern, crouching down in front of EJ to get a better look.
"No the helmet was for his protection," said Tracy blithely, relieved that the doctor wasn't going to be giving anything away about their last misadventures, "You may want to check for concussion though doc – we banged his head a few times before coming up with the helmet idea."
"A few times!" said Sami in horror.
"I mean once," said Tracy hastily, "I meant to say once or at the most twice."
"Right," said Cory, straightening up, "I guess we should take a look at him then hm?"
"I've got information for you about the tranquilliser and the dosage," volunteered LJ.
"Oh good," said Cory, "If you don't mind coming with me for a moment and I'll check our drugs manual."
Cory looked at the little group then and nodded at a vacant room.
"Why don't you take-"
"EJ," Sami volunteered hurriedly.
"EJ into that room there and put him on the bed," said Cory, "I'll be there in a minute to do an examination. Oh and I think we can lose the helmet."
"No problem," said Eric, happy to help.
The two women walked off as the rest of them wheeled EJ over into the room the doctor had indicated. Sami swayed a little as she walked through the door.
"Sami?" said Eric in concern as she put an unsteady hand to the door frame.
"I'm okay," said Sami, looking suddenly pale, "Just a little dizzy. I haven't eaten in a little while."
"Low blood sugar?" asked Julie sympathetically.
"Pregnant," said Sami, unable to help but smile a little as she said that.
"Oh well I know all about that," said Julie with an answering smile, "Why don't we go and get you some juice hm?"
"I don't want to leave EJ," said Sami worriedly, looking at the now dozing EJ as he sat up in the wheelchair, sans the helmet which Eric had just removed.
"We'll only be gone a minute and I'm sure he'd be cross to think you weren't taking proper care of yourself," Julie reassured her, "Come on honey."
Julie took Sami's arm and ushered her out of the room on the way to a vending machine she'd seen down the hallway.
"Take care of EJ!" Sami called out over her shoulder as she was led away.
"Hey it's us," said Eric confidently, "Go get your drink."
The three men all turned to look at EJ then.
"Hey EJ," said Tracy, shaking EJ's shoulder, "Want to wake up and get into bed for us?"
"My willy ish all shingily," announced EJ blearily before promptly falling back asleep.
"More than I needed to know," said Eric with a grimace.
"Oh I don't know," said Joseph looking rather interested, "I could hear more on that subject."
"Okay let's just get the big guy into the bed," said Eric.
Tracy, Eric and Joseph awkwardly attempted to lift the slumbering EJ out of his wheel chair, longs arms and legs and the fact that he was a dead weight making the job extremely difficult.
"Okay," grunted Eric, "On the count of three everyone pull up at once and we'll move him onto the bed okay?"
The other two men nodded, Tracy having EJ's legs, Eric his hands under EJ's arms and Joseph jealously guarding EJ's middle.
"One... two... THREE!"
They all heaved together although unfortunately their combined strength proved to be a little too much in the end as EJ was pulled from his wheel chair and launched onto the waiting bed only to have too much momentum and promptly bounce right off it again and hit the hospital floor on the other side of the bed. All three men gave a gasp of horror and hurried over to where EJ was now face down on the hospital floor. No one spoke for a long moment.
"Me thinkst we took the helmet off too early," volunteered Tracy, scratching his cheek thoughtfully as EJ began to snore peacefully.
"Just so we're clear," said Eric, looking over his shoulder nervously for Sami, "That never happened right?"
"I'll add it to the list," Tracy sighed in resignation.
"Oh I do hope my Lolly's beautiful face is still alright," fretted Joseph anxiously.
"Why Joe?" Tracy teased him, "Wouldn't you love EJ as much if he wasn't so pretty?"
"Honey have you seen the man?" said Joseph with a roll of his eyes, "He's a smorgasbord of delights. Frankly it would almost be a relief to have one less thing to ogle about him – it's tiring trying to fit all of it in some days."
"Geez Joe," said Eric with a shake of his head, "So much man, so little time huh?"
Just then Cory and LJ walked back in.
"Are you talking about my patient?" asked Cory, looking between them and then looking around, "Actually where is my patient?"
The three men looked down at the ground guiltily where they stood on the other side of the bed. Cory walked around to see EJ lying on the floor, still unconscious. She looked at them all in horror.
"It's a process," said Eric with a weak smile, "We got him out of the wheelchair first onto the floor."
"With only a brief stop on the bed," said Joseph brightly.
"Joe!" said Eric in exasperation, "What he means in we're going to put EJ on the bed now."
"Alright," said Cory, looking sceptical, "Just please be careful with him. Now if you and your partner can just lift him onto the bed for me."
"Partner?" repeated LJ in surprise, looking at Tracy sharply.
"We're not gay," said Eric hastily.
"I'm straight!" said Tracy quickly, nodding his head emphatically at LJ.
"I'm not," volunteered Joseph gaily.
"Oh I'm sorry," said Cory apologetically, "I didn't mean to out you two."
"You didn't because we're not in," said Tracy urgently, "Not in any kind of closet unless it is a big old heterosexual closet. Trust me, Eric and I are definitely not a couple, no way, no how – last guy on the face of the earth."
"So what are you saying Tracy?" asked Eric, looking a bit miffed now at the other man's vehement denials, "I'm not good enough for you, is that it?"
"I didn't say that," said Tracy with a frown and looking at Eric in confusion, "I just don't find you sexually attractive is all."
"And what, you're speaking for all men are you?" asked Eric, folding his arms in front of himself in annoyance, "That no man could ever find me attractive, that I'm repellent in every way and will probably die alone and unloved? Well you're not all that yourself you know!"
"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Tracy, looking offended now.
"You have a freakishly large forehead," announced Eric defiantly, "It's like God got distracted when he was making you and forgot what he was doing for a moment and just kept making forehead."
"No it's not!" said Tracy in horror but put a hand to his forehead a little uncertainly anyway.
"If it helps any I'd do both of you in a heartbeat," offered up Joseph cheerfully.
"Thanks Joe," said Eric, "You're a real friend."
He glared over at Tracy.
"Unlike some people I could mention," he finished in a huff.
"Dude do you really want me to be wanting to be having sex with you?" asked Tracy in exasperation.
"Hell no!" said Eric in horror.
"Then what is the problem here?" exclaimed Tracy, waving his hands around in frustration, "I don't want to do you, you don't want to do me-"
"And I still want to do either one of you so I think it all comes out nicely," said Joseph readily.
"Sorry man," said Eric with a grimace, "Don't know what happened there – lost it for a moment."
"Are you sure it's only EJ who has the possible concussion?" asked Cory uncertainly, looking between the two men.
"Unfortunately yes," said Eric with a self deprecating laugh.
"And we're clear on the being straight stuff right?" asked Tracy, nodding hopefully at LJ.
"I guess," said LJ, thoughtfully pursing her lips, "Although to be sure I guess you could prove it."
"I think that can be arranged," said Tracy with a big grin.
"Okay so I think I've got this straight now," said Cory with a wry smile as she pointed to each of the men in turn, "You're straight, you're straight, you're gay and my patient is still on the floor."
"Correct," said Eric happily.
"Any chance one of those conditions could be cured?" asked Cory straight faced.
"Oh honey, believe me I've tried," said Joseph with a dramatic sigh, "These two aren't turning."
Joseph paused briefly before continuing.
"But that doesn't mean that I'm not going to be around in case they ever do," he finished off with a hopeful smile at them both.
'Never going to happen Joe," Eric informed him and Tracy nodded.
"A girl can dream," Joseph sighed.
"Actually the condition I was referring to was EJ being on the floor," said Cory wryly.
"Oh right," said Eric with a grimace, "Of course."
They'd just gotten EJ back into the bed when Sami arrived back, a bottle of juice in her hand.
"How is he?" she asked worriedly.
"Sleeping like a tranquillised baby," said Eric helpfully.
"I'm just about to examine him now," said Cory, "If everyone could just leave."
"Me too?" asked Sami unhappily.
"Just for a minute," said Cory kindly, "I promise."
Everyone trailed out of EJ's room as Cory began her examination.
"Are you mad at me kitten?" asked Joseph fretfully of Sami as they all waited outside, "You know how much I love Lolly and his bottom – I'd never do anything to hurt either."
"I know Joe," said Sami with a little smile as they moved to hug one another, "I'm sorry I snapped at you earlier. It's just that if anything happened to EJ I don't know what I'd do."
"He's going to be fine sis," Eric comforted her, "EJ's a big guy – he's just going to sleep this off – no harm, no foul."
"And no aardvark," observed Julie practically.
"I know," said LJ with a sigh, "Today's been somewhat of a bust."
Everyone nodded, agreeing with that assessment. A few minutes later Dr Wells returned and smiled reassuringly at everyone.
"He's going to be fine," she announced, "Blood pressure is good, all his vitals are perfect-"
"You got to see his vitals?" interrupted Joseph enviously, "You lucky duck!"
"I'll say," said Julie, sounding envious as well.
"What I mean is that EJ is completely unharmed by the tranquilliser," said Cory with a quirk of her lips, "Just a bit out of it."
"Oh thank goodness," Sami gasped, putting a hand to her heart, "I was so worried."
"There's no need to be," said Cory calmly, "Your husband is going to be perfectly alright. We'll just keep him in until later on this afternoon and he should be more coherent then. As soon as he is he can go home."
"Thank you," said Sami gratefully.
"Now there is just some paperwork I need you to fill out," said Cory evenly, "If you can come this way Sami?"
"Sure," said Sami with a nod and followed after the doctor.
"I need to call the zoo," said LJ with a sigh, "Tell them where we're at."
"I don't think they like you using cell phones here honey," said Joseph with a shake of his head.
"Use the one next to EJ's bed," offered up Eric, "He's not going to be using it anytime soon."
"Good idea," LJ said and headed into EJ's room.
He was lying on the bed, stretched out and still looking completely out of it. LJ quickly made her phone call and let them know that she and Julie were coming back soon sans an aardvark. She hung up after deciding to make the shooting incident more of a face to face thing with her boss when EJ roused a little.
"Schmantha?" said EJ groggily, coming vaguely awake but not opening his eyes.
LJ opened her mouth to correct him but EJ's hand came out and happened to land on her bottom, squeezing it appreciatively.
"I love sure b-buttsh," said EJ, fondling LJ's bottom with a dreamy smile on his face, eyes still closed, "I want to kish it all over."
LJ pursed her lips, briefly considering the offer after the day she'd just had as EJ continued to massage her derrière.
"I can't say I'm not tempted gorgeous," she said with a quirk of her lips, "But I've got enough paperwork to fill out as it is – I don't want to add that to my list."
LJ took a step back and EJ made an unhappy noise as her bottom eluded him.
"No," he pouted, clutching at the air.
"Sorry," said LJ with a half smile, "I'm no home wrecker but thanks for the pick me up."
LJ walked back out of EJ's room to the others.
"How is he?" asked Tracy solicitously.
"Awake and kind of handsie," said LJ wryly.
Joseph's eyes lit up at that information.
"Out of my way!" he declared, elbowing the others out the way as he bolted into EJ's room.
EJ turned his head as he entered, eyes still not open.
"Schamantha?" he said unevenly.
Joseph looked over his shoulder surreptitiously to make sure he was alone before taking the plunge.
"Yes EJ it's me," Joseph said in what he hoped was his best imitation of Sami's voice.
"I lovsch youse," said EJ with a big goofy grin, his arm out and flaying about and obviously wanting 'Sami' to come closer.
Joseph hurried over to his bedside to and grabbed EJ's hand, directing it to his backside.
"And I love you too you big hunk of man flesh," said Joseph happily as EJ squeezed his backside.
"That in no way sounds like me," noted Sami dryly.
Joseph gave a little start and jumped away from EJ, looking very guilty.
"It isn't what it looks like!" he blurted out.
"It looks like you're taking advantage of my drugged husband to cop a feel," said Sami, folding her arms in front of her chest and giving him a pointed look.
"Well okay yes, it is what it looks like then," said Joseph with a winsome smile, "But for the record I would have referred to it more as proactively seeking out being in the right place at the right time."
"I bet you would," said Sami with a little laugh, not overly upset.
After all who could blame anyone for getting a little EJ action whenever and however they could?
"Okay," said LJ and nodding at Julie, "We'd better be getting back to the zoo. Tell EJ that I'll ring him about the aardvark situation when he's feeling a little more-"
"Copus mentum?" offered up Eric helpfully.
"Yes," said LJ wryly.
"Before you go," said Tracy, sidling up to LJ, "I was wondering if you were doing anything Saturday night?"
"I don't know," said LJ with a little smile, "Am I?"
Tracy's face lit up then as LJ drew out a pen and wrote her phone number on his hand.
"Give me a call," she said with another smile, "And if you're lucky I might wear the khaki on our date."
"Alright," said Tracy, liking the sound of that as the two women said their goodbyes and left the little group.
"Well, well," noted Julie in amusement, "Looks like you shot one man and bagged another – pretty impressive score card for a mornings work I'd say."
"I've had worse days at work," said LJ, looking pretty pleased with herself before giving a bit of a grimace, "Shooting EJ was a bit of a bummer though."
"Literally and figuratively," agreed Julie readily as they headed down the hospital corridors, "I wonder if Hallmark makes a 'Sorry I shot you in the ass when aiming for an aardvark' card."
"I'd be pretty afraid if they did," noted LJ seriously.
Cory walked up to the remainder of the group as Joseph emerged from EJ's room, Sami staying with him.
"Well you three are seeing a bit of this hospital lately," she observed now that there was no more need for discretion as it was just them.
"It's a regular thing at our household," said Eric with a roll of his eyes, "Someone is always being driven to the hospital at some point, usually poor old Rolf."
"Rolf?" repeated Cory, the name ringing a bell as someone she'd treated in the past, "Is he an Austrian man in his fifties and usually accompanied by tall, dark haired man who is rather... ahh... interesting."
"Aha," said Eric, knowing immediately who she was referring to, "That's John – usually the cause of all of our calamities."
"So how do you know this John?" asked Cory, curious despite herself and remembering the times she'd had a few conversation with the singular man.
"He's mine and Sami's step father," said Eric.
"And EJ's uncle," continued on Tracy.
"And my hero," sighed Joseph happily.
"That's quite the family you have going on there," observed Cory.
"Doc," said Eric seriously, "You have no idea."
Sami leant over EJ and stroked his forehead lovingly.
"I'm going to go now EJ and check on the twins but I'll be back," she said huskily, kissing his lips softly.
EJ's arm immediately came up and wrapped itself around her waist, preventing Sami from leaving.
"Schmantha," he sighed happily, "I misshed you sho muchh."
"I know honey," said Sami with a little smile, "I missed you too but you just sleep now and I'll be back soon okay?"
"Promish?" EJ asked with a little pout and looked for all the world like his son in that moment.
"I promise," said Sami, kissing his forehead now and looking down at him adoringly as even then EJ began to drift off to sleep.
oooOOOOooo
Twenty minutes later Sami was walking into the DiMera mansion.
"Mom!" she called out as she took her coat off.
"Hello honey," said Marlena, walking down the stairwell, "How's EJ?"
"Alright thank goodness," said Sami with a sigh of relief, "He's sleeping it off right now and should be able to come home this afternoon. I just wanted to check on the twins and give them some lunch and then I'll head back."
"They were so exhausted after all of that excitement they fell asleep on the sofa," said Marlena with an amused smile, "So I just let them be."
"Okay," said Sami easily as she walked into the living room to check on them.
She looked around herself.
"Which sofa Mom?" Sami asked curiously when she didn't see them.
"Oh no," gasped Marlena, coming to stand beside Sami, "They're gone. I only left them for a minute Sami, I swear."
"It's alright Mom," said Sami, swallowing her own panic as she tried not to think about the twins being off by themselves with an aardvark on the loose.
John came out of the kitchen then with Roger on his shoulder.
"John have you seen the twins?" asked Sami anxiously, starting to look round.
"Is this one of those times where I'll say yes and describe them to you and you'll get mad?" asked John suspiciously, "Because if it is I'm not falling for that again."
"Sami means have you seen them recently?" asked a worried Marlena, "Do you know where they are?"
"No," said John with a little shrug, "But I'm sure they're fine."
"Well I'm not!" snapped Sami and then looked at the little monkey on John's shoulder, "Roger, go find the twins, hurry, find Ali and Johnny."
Fortunately they'd discovered that Roger seemed to have quite the tracking ability when it came to the twins and he immediately jumped from John's shoulder and scampered out the French doors.
"Oh no," Sami groaned as she chased after him, realising the twins had indeed gone out into the garden by themselves.
She ran after the little monkey as he scampered down the lawn and into the gardens. Sami was able to keep up with him just and stopped when she saw him sitting by a clump of bushes. Her heart was in her mouth as she faced down every mother's worst nightmare - that something had happened to her children. Sami looked over the bushes to see the most amazing sight. There were the twins, all curled up and fast asleep next to an equally asleep Tina who had obviously been worn completely out by all that running. Sami gave a little gasp and put her hand over her mouth as the unlikely threesome slept soundly away, not a care in the world.
"Oh my," said Marlena as she came up behind Sami and stared at the picture wide eyed, "Can you believe it?"
"Told you," said John smugly as he looked over Sami's shoulder at the peaceful tableau, "All this fuss for nothing."
Sami shook her head, just relieved her children were alright and obviously bonding with the latest addition to the menagerie.
"I guess Tina's here to stay then," Sami said with a bit of a sigh and a smile despite herself.
"Marmalade," announced EJ groggily before rolling over in bed and promptly falling back to sleep.
All in all just another normal day at the DiMera mansion when all is said and done.