Prelude

Chapter 20

Apparently it wasn't a secret anymore. It was no longer something she'd shared only with Reid. JJ had decided to go public with her relationship with Will, by kissing him in the presence of the team, in a police station in Miami. Morgan and Prentiss had some snide comments to make about it, since they'd suspected it for months. Reid joined in, remarking in the same vein. "What's it been….like a year?" And then continued on his way, hoping he'd seemed casual about it.

He was anything but casual. But he was resigned. He'd made choices, albeit tempered by his addiction. And JJ had made choices as well. And those choices had brought them further apart, not closer together. Not that they'd ever had more than just the friendship between them. And not that either had actively chosen not to get romantically involved.

Right? I know I didn't. But, did she?

He'd felt like they might have been headed in that direction, before…. then laughed at himself. You only wish.

Will's appearance in Miami was a surprise to all of the team. Even JJ, it seemed. He'd been called there because his vacationing partner had become a victim of the unsub. When they'd first arrived, only Reid had knowledge of Will's relationship with JJ. Without planning it, the young genius had sent up his antennae to notice the interaction between the two. What he'd seen had puzzled him.

Will seemed…..familiar….with JJ. Or at least he was trying to act familiar. And she was having none of it. If anything, she'd seemed annoyed at Will's not keeping things on a professional level. Until something…or someone…changed her mind. And then she'd kissed him. Publicly. In front of anyone, without caring who that 'anyone' was.

Something about it being more widely known seemed to make it 'official'. Definite. Permanent. And the others seemed to approve of it. So Reid tried to feel happy for JJ. But her behavior during a subsequent case made him question whether she was really happy.

It was one of those odd circumstances where the team was split up. Rossi and Hotch had traveled together to Boston to interview the female perpetrator in a domestic homicide. The rest of them were to have been in Quantico doing consults. But JJ had been presented with a possible case of stalking. And she'd advocated so strongly for the victim that they found themselves taking the case, albeit against the better judgment of most of them.

And she was right to have done so. Her stalker would have killed the victim, had not the team become involved. Yet, Reid noticed, JJ didn't seem pleased. She opposed her colleagues when they wanted to look more deeply into the victim's personal life. Actively opposed them. Something she'd never done before.

"JJ, you fought for this case." Reid pointed out the obvious, when his friend appeared dismayed at their depth of intrusion into the female victim's life. He didn't understand her reluctance. This was how they operated. This was how they solved cases. This was how they helped.

She was quiet on the way back, pensive. Not celebrating one of their rare cases where nobody died. Sitting in the back of the SUV with her, Reid stole sideways glances now and then. He knew her need for privacy. He wouldn't probe her in the presence of Morgan and Prentiss.

But once they were back, Reid made a point of lingering at his desk after Morgan and Emily left for the day. He could see that the light was still on in JJ's office. So he made his way there, and knocked softly on the open door.

"Come….oh, Spence. What can I do for you?" Not exactly in 'official mode', but not exactly seeming ready to share, either.

He walked in, no longer shy about coming to visit her. "Hey. I just was getting ready to go and….I thought…..well…..JJ...are you okay? I mean, you haven't seemed quite yourself today."

He could almost see the veil descend. JJ's gaze didn't quite reach his eyes when she responded, "I'm fine."

Reid stood there, not sure what to do. He couldn't very well challenge her…. could he? I have literally millions of words at my disposal. Why can't I think of any of them?

All he could do was ask again. "Are you sure? Because…."

"I'm…..fine."

A little louder, firmer, more impatient. But JJ remembered Reid's persistence when that small town case had reminded her of the aftermath of her sister's death, and she had the sense he was about to exercise it again. Better to head him off by admitting to the behavior change, if not the reason for it. "I'm just tired, I guess."

It was meant to be dismissive, and it worked. She could have been tired for any number of reasons, including 'that time of the month'….and Reid wasn't about to go there with her.

"Oh. Well…..I guess that explains it." Not really believing so. Thinking he would try once more. "Are you too tired to go for some hot chocolate?"

Abruptly, and to her surprise, she felt nauseous. And Reid noticed.

"JJ…..are you sure you feel all right? Because you look a little sick."

She heaved a sigh. "Maybe I am a little under the weather." Knowing that wasn't what was causing the nausea. "I'll just finish these files and call it a day."

"Want me to wait around? Or maybe I can help you with them."

She really just needed to end this conversation. Needed to be alone. So she could ponder having another conversation.

"Thanks, but no thanks. It's only these two, and I'm already in the middle of each of them. Go on home, Spence. It's been a long day for all of us."

He lingered a moment, watching her not make eye contact with him. He kept his gaze on her even as he turned to walk away. "Okay. But if you change your mind…..or if you just want me to bring you some chicken soup, or something…"

She gave him her best, wan smile. "I'll know who to call. Thanks, Spence."

Waiting until she heard the sound of Reid's footsteps fade down the hallway, JJ thrust herself back in her chair and tried to rub some wisdom into her eyes. In retrospect, she'd known. She'd known exactly. How, she couldn't say. But there was something about their lovemaking that one time that felt different. And, almost since then, she'd felt different. A trip to the pharmacy, and a confirmatory trip to the doctor, had told her why.

But we were so careful! I guess that's why they say there's nothing that's 100% effective. Except "shaking his hand and saying goodnight". That's what she'd learned in high school. Who knew they were right?

She should call Will. He was, after all, the other half of this equation. And yet, she'd hesitated. All day yesterday. All last night. All day today.

She knew that, in the end, it had to be her decision. Didn't it? But what about Will? Wasn't the being she carried half him? And wasn't 'it' a 'him' or a 'her'? Not an 'it'?

She'd given thought to what she believed about it. Who could avoid it? It was such an openly controversial issue, seemingly always in the news. She knew what she believed about another woman's right to make the decision. She'd just never really thought about how she would decide if it was her decision to make. Hadn't thought it would happen to her. She was smart enough to take precautions.

So she was surprised at her own reaction. Maybe it was the hormones, maybe something else. She'd made every other decision of her adult life by carefully weighing the pros and cons, using logic, and reason. Being rational. But this time…..all she had to work with was emotion.

Reason tried to present itself to her. The consequences to her work situation, the implications for her relationship with Will. She should have been taking them into account, and making a calm, reasoned decision about whether this was the right thing, or the right time. Yet, every time she tried to connect with reason, emotion washed over her like a tidal wave. It didn't matter what the consequences might be. It only mattered that she carried 'him' or 'her'. And, without wit or purpose, there it was…. she was already in relationship.

Even sensing that the decision had already been made, JJ fought it. I need to think about the consequences here. What do I know about being a mother? What if I can't manage this and my job, too? How would I take care of us?

But there it was again…that final word….'us'. That's what always trumped everything else. She already felt like there was an 'us'. There was no amount of reason that could move her beyond it. The decision was already made. In some ways, she felt relieved. In others….. terrified.

Quickly, before she could change her mind, she picked up her phone and hit that certain number on her speed dial.

He couldn't help but remember that first time. His first trip to New York City. The one where JJ had taken him around, to see the sights. The one where they'd decided to come back together, one day, at Christmas time.

It wasn't Christmas. But it was New York, again. Only this time, JJ was 'taken'. There was no discussion on the plane about seeing more of what the city had to offer after the case was done. It was all business, this time.

The city was under siege, it seemed, by a serial killer who was reminiscent of the Son of Sam in the randomness of his targets. There was something about this case that made it feel bigger, more urgent, than most. Partly because of where it was taking place. But also, it turned out, because it tapped into the ever-present, underlying, fear of terrorism. The fear that New York could once again have found itself a target in a battle that was defined by ideology.

All of them traveled this time. Garcia's technological wizardry was needed to manage the overwhelming wealth of video surveillance information. Reid and Rossi worked the geographic profile. Morgan and Prentiss partnered with NYPD in the streets. JJ was busier than usual, serving as liaison between the NYPD, the New York FBI office, and the BAU team. Hotch was, notably, sharing leadership with an attractive female Brit who was already the subject of resentment within her own FBI office. And was rapidly becoming the subject of resentment from the NYPD…. and one particular member of the BAU.

Reid was on the periphery of the conflict between Morgan and the task force leader. And he made it a point to stay there, sticking close to Hotch and JJ at the precinct. By the end of the day, all of them were worn out from both the internal and external conflicts of the case.

They were on their way back to the hotel when Reid spotted him.

Will LaMontagne? Here? In New York? His brain started running scenarios about why the NOLA detective might have suddenly appeared in NYC. Obviously, JJ had to be involved. But soon Reid realized how naïve he'd been, when he heard how.

"JJ." The tilting of Reid's head pointed JJ's eyes in the direction of the lobby. And Will.

They'd been planning to spend the weekend together, when she'd been called away. But she never expected him to simply follow her. Their relationship was now out in the open… sort of. Most of it still took place in New Orleans, out of sight of her colleagues. Something about its being invisible felt comfortable to JJ, supporting her intense need for privacy. To have Will suddenly insert himself into her work life… to have him show up in the middle of a case….. was unexpected and…. maybe… a little disturbing. But not as disturbing as the fact that he'd apparently decided it was time to share their news with the team.

She hadn't told anyone. Not Hotch, her boss. Not Spence, her best friend. She knew it was inevitable that they know. She would be showing soon. But her relationship with the infant growing inside her was yet another thing about which she craved privacy. So JJ was taken by surprise when Will openly alluded to her pregnancy, forcing her to suddenly, abruptly, and without planning, announce it to her colleagues.

She kept her eyes on Hotch. Partly because his reaction, as her immediate superior, was crucial. But also to keep from having to look at Spence. She knew, without having to be told, that he would be hurt by her secrecy. And, even though her romantic relationship was with someone else, it mattered to her.

The synapses in Spencer Reid's brain were firing at lightning speed. But they couldn't break out of the one circuit. JJ was pregnant. Pregnant. Obviously, that meant….. But…

It was real. The relationship. The pregnancy. The end of the dream. The one he hadn't admitted to dreaming, even to himself. Reid did his best to mask his disappointment, and show only his surprise. He stood in line to hug JJ, woodenly transmitting a sad 'congratulations'.

Hours later, unable to sleep, and needing relief from the unrelenting "JJ's pregnant" loop in his brain, Reid decided to wander the hotel. His final stop was the gift shop, where he hoped to find something to feed his sweet tooth.

"Spence."

The last thing he'd expected to hear. The last thing he was ready to hear. He turned slowly to his left.

"JJ, hi. What are you doing here?"

"Hmph. I was looking for saltines, but it looks like I'm gonna have to settle for about sixteen of these crackers-and-cheese things."

The sleepless time in his hotel room hadn't been entirely unproductive. Reid fell back into a comfortable pattern of information dissemination. "Do you know why saltines help with morning sickness?"

"Mostly, I'd rather not talk about morning sickness, Spence. It's bad enough having it."

"Oh… .okay. Well….you know, I remember there was a corner store a block or two away. I could run there and see if they have anything."

JJ brightened at the idea of finding exactly what she needed. "Oh, that's a great idea! Except, you don't need to run there, Spence. I can go. I'm not exactly huge yet."

His brain tried to flash on a huge JJ, but Reid couldn't process the image. Instead, he responded to her. "How about we both go?"

She looked at him and gave what seemed her first genuine smile of the day.

"Sounds great."

When they exited the hotel, JJ linked arms with Reid so they wouldn't be separated on the bustling New York street. It felt comfortable, to both of them. But not so comfortable that it didn't take Reid a full half block to start the conversation.

"So…..you're having a baby."

"Yeah. Can you believe it?"

No. I don't want to. "How long have you known?"

She was quiet for a moment. "Ever since that case… do you remember? The one where…."

Things coalesced in Reid's mind. Ahh. Now I understand. "I remember."

He pondered whether he should ask. Thought better of it, then reversed himself. It was JJ, and he needed to know.

"Are you happy?"

The long silence before she answered told him more than her words ever would. It told him to assess her response for honesty.

"I….wasn't sure, at first. But I am, now. I'm happy."

Honest. He heard it, and was relieved, even if the infant inside her would take her further away from him. The child was now a fact of her life, and he wanted her to be happy. But he'd also heard an undertone.

"But?"

She shook her head. "Not a 'but'. But…"

They both laughed at the contradiction, before she continued. "But I realize it will mean changes. For one, I don't know how I'm going to be able to do my job and take care of a child at the same time."

He wanted to blurt, "I'll help", but he knew it wasn't the right thing to do. Instead, he asked, "What about Will?"

JJ sighed. "Will lives a thousand miles away. And neither of us really wants to leave our job, but…"

"But you'll have to, if you can't work it out." He was unsuccessful in keeping the sadness from his voice.

JJ heard it. "We'll see. Maybe I can come up with a plan. I know I'm going to try as hard as I can."

They were just about at the store. Reid stopped short of the entrance and turned to JJ, still holding her arm in the crook of his. "You know I'll do whatever I can. And, JJ?"

She looked her curiosity at him.

"I'm happy for you. For 'him', really," pointing his gaze at her abdomen, "Or 'her'. I don't know what you're having. But I know that he, or she, will have a great mom."

It couldn't have been, because it was night. But it seemed like the sunshine itself came through her smile.

The case was bent. It moved in one direction, and then another. And yet another again.

The team was splitting up to conduct another set of interviews. Reid and JJ were headed off to the Port Authority when she was approached by someone carrying a manila envelope. Reid turned and waited as she opened it. He became intent on interpreting the succession of expressions crossing over her face. She looked surprised, and then distressed…. and then surprised all over again. Reid could only surmise that it had to do with her relationship.

"Will?"

She kept her head down, reading the message. "He's leaving. He doesn't want to be in the way."

Reid couldn't remember feeling this torn ever before in his life. For her sake, he wanted things to work. For his sake…..well, he really shouldn't go there. So he actively fought the journey. But he thought she might be upset about Will leaving, and what it might mean.

"You okay?"

And then she pulled an object out from the envelope. A badge.

JJ lifted her eyes from the badge to look at Reid.

"He's quitting his job?" Reid said it for her.

Then JJ did something she'd never done before. She shirked her duty.

"Hotch," she called to the nearby unit chief, "Do you need everyone in the field?"

And, a few minutes later, with permission, she left to find Will.

Frantic. He was frantic. All they knew was that a black, government-plated SUV had exploded in Manhattan. And, so far, the only members of the team he could account for were Rossi and Garcia. Reid had trouble focusing enough to problem solve until Rossi gave him a specific task. Then he was able to rattle off, in order, the locations of each of the previous attacks. The process settled him a little.

Finally, they heard from Garcia. Emily and Morgan had checked in, but JJ's phone kept going to voice mail, as did Hotch's, raising everyone's concern for both of them. Reid hoped to reassure himself by mentally running the odds against either of them having been in the SUV that had exploded.

Take the number of SUVs in the city, factor in the preference for black finishes, how many might have government plates…...there's NYPD, the FBI...probably the CIA...civil government...

Before he could complete his calculation, and before he had time to drive himself completely crazy, JJ rushed into the busy strategic command space. Reid almost melted in relief. He might have had to resign himself to a different kind of caring about her. But he knew he could never resign himself to a place of not caring at all.

What surprised him, in that moment, was the fact that he was now caring for two.

It made absolutely no sense. He had no connection whatsoever with the fact of JJ's pregnancy. In truth, there were aspects of it that frightened him. The changes in her. The changes in her future. The things that could go wrong. All of those things should have made him want to enforce a distance between them. Between him and the child she was carrying. The child with another father.

But he couldn't. Cognitively, Reid knew it shouldn't be, but cognition played no role in his reaction. Without understanding how, or why, he felt connected... invested... in relationship. Not just with JJ, but with her child. He'd only realized it when he saw her run into the station house and his first, unwitting, reaction was...thank God, they're both okay!

None of them could know, then. Not Reid, not JJ, and not the child within... the strength of the bonds forming among the triad. And how those bonds would be tested. And how tenaciously they would hold.

A.N. December 14 marks a sad anniversary, far too close to home. The families of those 20 children and 6 educators lost in Sandy Hook have asked that people mark the anniversary by performing an act of kindness. At a time of year when we celebrate light entering into darkness, please consider honoring that request. Today, and every day.