Lily watched in shock as Severus stumbled backward, slumping against the wall with his head clutched in his hands. She'd understood what was happening, having heard on numerous occasions that he was now a Legilimens and a powerful one at that. So powerful, it seemed that Sirius had been helpless under his command… at least until he'd abruptly shifted into his animal form.
What happened? What did he see?
Nothing I can't talk my way out of, Sirius spoke in her mind, though he sounded far from convinced.
What the hell did you do to him?
To him?! Sirius in his dog form actually growled at her. What about what he did to me?
Oh, right. Like you weren't doing everything you could to provoke him. And come to that, what is this perversion that I don't know about? What exactly… ?
Her thoughts trailed off as Severus pushed himself away from the wall, his face ashen. When he finally managed to speak, his voice trembled, so far removed from his usual smooth tones that she was genuinely frightened for him. "What," he said slowly, as if finding it an enormous challenge to formulate each word, "does Lily have to do with this?"
If it had been possible for a dog to shrug, she was sure Sirius would've done just that. Instead, he didn't react at all, only stared up at Severus like he was waiting for the latter to throw him a bone.
He knows, Sirius. He knows! Switch back and tell him the rest, please! If anyone can help us figure out the rest of the spell, he can. You know he can!
No way, Lils. First of all, he didn't see enough to "know" anything. And second…
Goddammit, Sirius, I've had enough of this! TELL HIM.
"Switch back," Severus said, echoing her words in low, menacing tones. "Now."
Sirius the dog shook his head.
"I'm giving you five seconds. Force my hand, and you'll regret it."
Sirius, just do what he says. Please.
And let him think he has all the power? I don't think so, Lily.
She crept closer to Severus, who glanced down at her with an unreadable expression. "Dark Magic," he said, his voice a little more steady now. "A cat that seems… uncommonly intelligent. Invoking the name of a woman who's been dead for fourteen years. Named the cat after her, did you? Or is it something else? Time's up, Black. I want an explanation."
Inside Lily's head, Sirius laughed. He can't do a damn thing and he knows it – it takes at least two to cast that spell. What's he going to do?
Underestimate him and you're a fool, Sirius. Just switch back and tell him the truth.
No.
Severus crossed the room in graceful strides, coming to a standstill directly in front of the dog. His dark eyes glittered in the lamplight, long, slender fingers clutching his wand like a lifeline as he whispered the spell. The flash of blue light that erupted from the tip was almost blinding this time, the product of a lethal concoction of immense power and sheer determination. Sirius cried out, a strange, guttural sound that was half human and half canine as his body twisted and reshaped into a different form. And when the light flickered out, there he was – trembling and speechless, but very much himself. He lunged for his wand, with Severus making no move to stop him.
"If you insist on a duel, I'll be happy to oblige you," Severus said instead, his own wand still raised. "But in your case, it seems like a lot of unpleasantness to endure simply for the sake of avoiding a few questions… questions I'll have answers to sooner or later, regardless of what you choose to do just now."
The rage emanating from Sirius was palpable. Lily could feel it poisoning the atmosphere around them, and for the first time, she was truly terrified. If it came to blows, the results could be devastating. Severus, she knew, was the more powerful of the two – he'd already proven that. But he was also more likely to restrain himself, while there was no telling what Sirius might do in a moment of fury. More than that, it wasn't exactly comforting to remember that Sirius had already tried to get Severus killed on at least one occasion.
Please, Sirius. Please don't make this any worse than it has to be. For my sake, I'm begging you.
His voice was an ugly snarl inside her head. It's mainly for your sake that I'd like to give the greasy bastard what he deserves. Yours, James, Harry's…
He's never done anything to hurt us, Sirius. Especially me.
HE'S A FUCKING DEATH EATER!
No. He's not. Whatever he's done in the past, he's not like the rest of them. He never has been. Please, if you can't trust him, then at least trust me. Let this go and tell him the truth.
Severus was still waiting for a response, muscles tense and ready, mouth fixed in a grim line. Sirius glanced at him, then thought back at her, Fine. All right, I won't start throwing hexes. But I'm not telling him the truth either.
But he could help! You know he could!
We don't need help, Lily, especially from the likes of him. If you're still determined not to tell the others, I'll figure it out myself. Just like I told you I would.
"Well?" Severus said, startling them both. "Either we start dueling or you start talking. Your choice, but I'm not going to stand here all day. Unlike you, I have better things to do with my time. Fighting a war, for example, or preparing for another year of gainful employment."
Lily winced as Sirius took a step forward, his face mottled with outrage. That's what this is all about, she realized, projecting her thoughts at him without consciously realizing she was doing so. Me, the spell… this is about you, Sirius. You're trying to prove yourself, to play the hero. And you can't stand the thought of Severus taking that away from you.
Enough, Lily, he thought back at her, surprising her with his vehemence. Don't you dare put this on me, when he… nevermind. Look, I'm sorry. You want me to tell him? Fine. Then that's what I'll do.
He lowered his wand, meeting Severus stare for stare as he said, "I didn't name the cat after Lily. She IS Lily. What do you think of that?"
By the time Lily's eyes had recovered from the blinding flash of crimson light, Sirius was moaning softly, crumpled on the floor in a heap. The only indication that Severus had been there at all was the slamming of the door, ricocheting through the house and leaving a cacophony of hatred in its wake.
"Blood traitors! Mudbloods! Mutants and freaks, come to desecrate… "
Severus rarely drank these days. Doing so was hardly a good idea, since the Dark Lord could summon him at any moment and it would be crucial to be in full possession of his mental faculties if that happened. On the other hand, being back at school gave him a safety net – he was summoned much less often now, and if necessary, could concoct a reasonable excuse as to why he'd been delayed a few hours. That would give him plenty of time to sober up.
As if in support of this conclusion, some generous person had left a bottle of Ogden's in the staff room. Having laid claim to it without hesitation, Severus had fled to his private quarters where he now held it clutched tightly in one hand, lifting it to his lips every so often while he stared moodily into the fire.
Despite his efforts, he couldn't stop thinking about the confrontation with Black. She IS Lily? What kind of fucked up nonsense was that? No doubt it had been an attempt to wound him, which shamefully, had worked just a little too well. But taken with everything else… the peculiar behavior of the cat, to start with, Severus didn't know what to think. Far too many questions…
It couldn't be true. No, that was madness. Lily was dead. He'd held her lifeless body in his arms, had suffered the loss of her every day, every hour, every minute throughout all the years that had followed. And while it was true that magic made many things possible, there was no surviving the Killing Curse.
The Potter boy managed it, whispered an insidious voice buried deep in his consciousness. Didn't Lily play a part in that?
Severus gulped down another swallow of firewhiskey, struggling to push the thought away. Having dwelled on memories of that awful night countless times, he'd long since learned the precise nature of the suffering they caused. Fury, remorse, helplessness, despair, followed by a queer, empty sensation that had never left him since. Lily's death had torn his heart to pieces. There was no denying that. But the pain he felt at the moment was something new, since he'd never considered even the slightest possibility that she'd survived.
He was insane to do so now. At least, that was what he kept telling himself. But just to imagine… Lily. Alive. A chance to put things right, far beyond his meager struggle for redemption in watching over her son. Just to hear her voice again, the sound of her laughter… to beg her forgiveness one more time, only now, to hold up the last fourteen years of his life as proof of his convictions. And if that wasn't enough, would it matter? He'd do whatever it took to win back her trust. Perhaps in time, even her love? Lily had loved him once, even if that love hadn't been the same as his feelings for her. But now… what if… ?
No. No, he couldn't do this to himself. Lily was dead. He'd seen that with his own eyes, had felt the awful stillness when he'd clutched her to his chest in that final embrace. She was gone, lost to him forever. And no matter what twisted prank Black was trying to pull, he couldn't let himself forget that. Otherwise, he might well lose his soul.
Mercifully, the alcohol soon began to take effect, forcing his body into a state of deep relaxation. Sedated from his pain if not free from it, he fell asleep right there in front of the fire.
"Lils?"
I'm still not talking to you.
"Oh, come on," Sirius said, pausing to double check that the bedroom door was warded before settling himself in his favorite armchair. "Hell, I'm the one who got Stunned, aren't I? If anybody deserves the silent treatment, it's Snape, not me."
Severus has already been getting the silent treatment from me. Twenty years of it. I asked you to help me change that. I begged you…
"And I told him! Just like you asked. What did that get me, hmmm?"
Lily glared down at him from her perch on the windowsill. Don't give me that. You knew exactly what you were doing, knew he'd never believe you if you just blurted it out like that.
"So it's my fault he can't control his temper?"
After doing everything in your power to provoke him? Yes, I'd say it is.
"Oh, and I suppose there was nothing wrong with the greasy git plundering through my head without my consent," Sirius replied, his voice heavy with sarcasm.
If you'd just answered his questions, he would never have done that. You're the one who made it far more difficult than it had to be.
"Why are you making excuses for him?"
I'm not! But he knew you were hiding something… don't you think he had an obligation to find out what was going on? The entire Order relies on this house as a sanctuary. If he thought your behavior was suspicious, which it was, he must've been concerned. A lot of lives could have been at stake.
"So now I'm a traitor. Thanks, Lils."
Oh, stop it. You know that's not what I meant. And don't act like the injured party here either. You don't trust him any more than he trusts you. If the situation had been reversed, you would've done whatever it took to find out what he was up to.
Sirius hesitated, giving her an irritated look. "That's different."
How?
"Well, to start with, I was never a Death Eater. No, don't start defending him again. I don't think I can take another round of 'Snivellus the Saint'. All I was trying to say is that it's over now. Can't we just forget about it?"
No. First of all, I'd still like him to know the truth.
"What makes you think he'd listen? Anyway, not much I can do about it now that he's back at Hogwarts, even if I wanted to. I doubt we'll be seeing much of him until next summer, thank Merlin."
We'll get another chance. Sooner or later, I know we will. In the meantime, we have another problem.
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Why am I not surprised? All right, tell me what it is."
I want to know what he saw. Why he reacted the way he did, calling you a pervert and such.
"Nothing important."
Bullshit.
"Lils, I really don't want to get into this. It was a long time ago, okay?"
Tell me.
"Snape completely overreacted. You know how he gets… turns everything into a melodrama, especially if it has anything to do with you."
If it was no big deal to begin with, then why not tell me and be done with it?
She had him there. Shifting uncomfortably in his chair, he avoided her eyes as he said, "All right. I might've seen you with James. When you were… you know. It was nothing."
When we were fooling around? She frowned. Well, that's hardly a secret. We were always making out in front of you. Guess it went a little far sometimes, but you know – we were teenagers. I can see where Severus might've gotten the wrong impression though. He always seemed like he'd be much more private about that sort of thing.
"I saw you shagging," Sirius blurted out, then looked as if he wanted to slap himself.
You what?! How?
"I might've… taken a peek here and there. Like I said, it was no big deal."
You spied on us?! Where? When? Bloody hell, and Severus saw that? Saw me and James… oh god. No wonder he was upset!
At the mention of his nemesis, the guilt in Sirius's expression faded, replaced by a scowl. "Served him right. He had no business getting into my head like that. Besides, it could hardly have come as a shock. He knew damn well that… "
Knowing it and seeing it are two different things! You… I can't believe you have the audacity to sit there complaining about your privacy being invaded! So you… James… Her stream of consciousness spiraled off in a hundred directions, conflicting emotions taking precedence over logical thought.
"Look, I'm sorry, okay?" Sirius held his hands out in surrender. "I'm not saying it was right. But that was twenty years ago. You know what I was like back then – when did I ever stop to think about what I was doing before I did it?"
You say that like you've changed. You haven't, Sirius. You're just as impulsive, every bit as selfish as you ever were. What you did to him…
"I was defending myself!"
No, you weren't. You were trying to hurt him. Meanwhile, you never even considered that you might be hurting me in the process.
"All right. So I was angry. I did a stupid thing. I've already apologized for it, Lily. What else do you want me to do?"
I'm not the only one who deserves an apology.
"What? You mean Sniv-Snape?" He stared at her as if she'd just sprouted a second head. "I'll apologize to him when he… "
Enough, Sirius! I don't want to hear it anymore! Don't you see what you're doing? This is never going to stop. Never! Not unless you swallow your stupid pride and act like a grown man for once in your life!
Sirius was furious now, nearly shouting as he said, "A grown man? Might I remind you that during the time I was supposed to be growing up, I was locked up in bloody Azkaban? No contact with the outside world, no chance to deal with… "
You think you're the only one? Look at how I've spent the past fourteen years!
"Okay, fair enough. But that doesn't change the fact that Snape has a hell of a lot more to apologize for than I do. Hell, existing in the first place would be a good place to start."
And as Sirius chuckled at himself, Lily realized she'd reached an impasse. She still cared for him deeply, but while he was much the same as he'd been twenty years ago, she was not. Once before, she'd stood at a crossroads like this, having come to the realization that she had to choose one side or the other. It wasn't possible to have both… not without ripping herself apart in the process.
Back in her fifth year at Hogwarts, she'd gone with the easy option. She'd left Severus behind for the sake of friendships that were far less complex, loyalties she never had to justify. She'd chosen comfort over uncertainty, casual affection over raw, complicated need. It had been easy to convince herself that it had been the right choice, the only choice. But in the end, the depth of that commitment had gone both ways. James and his friends would've been fine without her. Severus, on the other hand? How different might his life have been if she'd stood by him, refusing to give up no matter the cost?
That was water under the bridge now, of course. And yet she couldn't help thinking about all the years since, how much he'd suffered over the loss of her, all the things he'd done to make amends for his mistakes. Even now, when she'd supposedly been dead for fourteen years, what he was attempting to do in her memory was the most important thing in his life.
In truth, that was what she'd been running from all those years ago. Even back then, she'd felt it in her bones, an indefinable connection between them. It had been terrifying, the knowledge that their fates were intertwined… that if he descended into darkness, he'd take her right along with him whether he intended to do so or not.
But that was it, wasn't it? There'd never been any escape, no chance that her actions wouldn't have a direct effect on him, and that his wouldn't do the same in return. One could hardly exist without the other, which was why he wandered through his current reality like a shadow, all his purpose bent on fulfilling his vow. In the end, he couldn't let go of her… any more than she could let go of him.
No, there was no getting away from the bond they shared, though she was no longer frightened by that realization. On the contrary, she found solace there, a feeling of security she hadn't experienced since her life had been ripped apart more than a decade before. She needed to be with him. No reason, no explanation… at least, none that Sirius would understand.
"Lily?" he said, and it was only then that she realized she'd leapt from the windowsill and was heading toward the door. She turned around, giving him a long look before projecting her intentions.
I'm sorry, Sirius. I'm going back to Hogwarts.
"Look, I'll apologize if it's that important to you. Not for all of it, but at least… "
This isn't about that, she thought at him. Not anymore. I just have to go.
He stared back at her, obviously distressed. "But… "
Please, try not to do anything reckless, hmm?
"But the research. The spell… "
Don't worry. I'll find another way.
And somehow, she knew she would, just as she understood why it had taken her so long to come to this point. Fear had held her back from so many things, always choosing what was familiar and comforting over the unknown. She couldn't have moved forward without accepting that particular weakness, without finding the determination to set it aside and choose a different path.
It was Severus she saw on that path, waiting with his hand outstretched… not just as a means of escape, there to shelter and protect her as she knew he'd do. He needed her as much as she needed him, because in the end, they were destined to fly or fall together. Such was the way it had always been, even if she'd been too blind to see it until now.
Well, her eyes were finally open… wide open and gazing toward the north. Full of hope. Full of purpose. Full of the knowledge that at long last, she'd figured out exactly what she needed to do.
"Lily… "
I'm sorry, Sirius. There's nothing left to say.