who didn't see this coming, I mean, really?

Though I've never been
Through hell like that
I've closed enough windows to know
You can never look back
-FUN, Carry On

As it turns out, Tuesday is not a good day.

It starts out small, with a nightmare. I've been getting them more and more frequently. There's a whistle, and a bridge, and screaming.

I'm not stupid, I know what it is. I just can't focus on it too long. I never think about it for too long.

Somehow I manage to fall asleep, but I'm exhausted when I wake up. I look terrible, and even though I do my best with my outfit and makeup, mom still asks if I'm sick when I go down to breakfast.

I lie and tell her yes. She tells me to take it easy and to come home if I need to. I eat my breakfast slowly and go outside to meet Christina.

She's obviously running late, seeing as she's not at our meeting spot. I wait a couple minutes, and finally she appears, walking fast.

"Sorry!" she says as she approaches. "I-" she stops and I raise an eyebrow. "Are you alright?" she asks.

I roll my eyes. "I'm fine."

"Are you sure?" she asks, and there's something about the way she says it that makes me want to tell her about the nightmares. There's genuine concern in her voice, and maybe it's always been there and I've never noticed, but it's there.

"I'm not feeling good." I tell her, lying again. We start walking. We're going to be cutting it close if we don't get a move on.

"If you need anything-"

"I'll let you know." I turn to her, and I smile before I can think twice about it. "Thank you."

The smile she gives me in return is wide, and I'm glad she doesn't respond. It takes all of my control to keep my mouth shut on the way to school.

I try to keep this grateful attitude about me all day, but it gets hard when the others aren't as subtle with their surprise about my appearance.

Really, it can't be that bad.

I tell them I'm not feeling well, the third lie of the day, and tell them to knock it off. They get quite quickly before the subject gets changed.

By the time we get to Chemistry, my patience is wearing thin, and it's obvious to Christina, because she sits down and stays quiet. Maybe it's not fair, but I'm not really in the mood to be fair today.

Or ever, to be honest.

Mrs. Swift enters with the bell. "Everybody stand up and move against the walls. You're getting your assigned seats today." There's a general groan as everyone stands and moves away from the desks. She laughs. "I know, I know, it's the worst." I roll my eyes at Christina, who tries not to smile. "For this semester it's going to be alphabetically." That's not terrible. I'll probably end up with Christina. It could always be worse. "If there are any problems, I'll switch seats again next semester."

She goes over to her desk and picks up a piece of paper. She moves to the first lab table. "Adam Parker and Christopher Chambers." I glance over at Christina. She looks confuse. That's not alphabetical order at all. "Christina Walker and Cody Adams." I take a quick glance around the room. Who am I going to get stuck with? "Cordelia Wilson and Gordon Lachance."

I try to hold in my gasp, and it ends up sounding like a sigh. Christina turns around to look at me as I move to my seat on autopilot. My heart is pounding and I swear the whole room can hear it. I would rather be next to anyone else.

Well, almost anyone.

My eyes drift to the front row, and I curse the jolt that threatens to go through me. How, after so many years, could I still have feelings for him?

I certainly don't deserve him, or the feelings he brings up.

Gordie sits down, and I risk a quick glance at him. He's not looking at me, thankfully, and he looks almost as thrilled as I feel.

I look up at Mrs. Swift as she continues calling names. I have to give her credit – what better way to keep an eye on my behavior than to sit me next to the problem?

I slide my chair closer to the desk, but further away from Gordie. Why do I suddenly feel so guilty?

"Sarah Mitchell and Zachary Pent," she calls, and the last two finally sit down.

She takes a glance around the room, and our eyes catch for just a moment before she heads to the board.

I wonder if she realizes how much harder she's made everything.

"For your homework assignments, you can work with one other person." The class erupts in excitement. Teachers never let that happen. "Turn in one assignment and put both names on it. You can work with anyone in the class." I look at the back of Christina's head. I know any second she's going to turn around and ask if we could work together. "It doesn't have to be your lab partner."

Christina turns around like I knew she would. "Thank god," she whispers before turning back. I don't think that's too fair; Cody isn't that bad.

With that, Mrs. Swift goes onto the lesson plan, and I struggle to keep up. My heart is still pounding in an odd way, almost like it wants to beat faster but it knows it shouldn't. I struggle not to look at Gordie again.

This is so unfair. Why couldn't it be alphabetical by last name, the way everyone else does it?

At the end of the period, she gives us our homework. Christina turns around again as we're waiting or the bell.

"We'll get together after dinner," I tell her before she can speak. "It shouldn't take too long."

"I'll come to your house," she says, and I'm a bit shocked at her forwardness. "I heard Roy might call you tonight," she adds in a quiet voice. I can tell she wants to shout about it.

I freeze at the thought. I don't want Roy to call me.

And that's not something I want Gordie to hear.

After that, I'm ready for class to end, and last period can't come fast enough. I spend the period griping my pencil until my hand aches and trying my best to keep my eyes on my notes.

During gym Amber doesn't talk much while we play badminton. Maybe she can tell I'm upset, or maybe she just doesn't want to talk, but either way I'm happy for the silence.

I walk home with Christina, who is so excited about the possibility of Roy calling that she's bouncing as she walks. I'd almost think he was going to be calling her tonight. I wonder if she knows he's called me before. It's not exactly a special moment.

It's just before dinner that the phone rings. As mom goes to answer it, I pray its Christina, saying she can't come, but when mom returns to the living room, she's smiling.

Of course, it's Roy.

I go over to the telephone and pick it up. I take a deep breath. "Hello?"

"How's junior year treating you?"

I roll my eyes. "It's fine," I say. I hear mom in the kitchen, but I'm sure she's straining to hear our conversation. "How's it for you?"

"It's getting better," he says, and there's a weird inflection to his voice. I don't know what he means, and I don't like it.

"You like me, right?" he asks quickly, and a little too loud.

I close my eyes. I don't want to have this conversation. Not with him. "That's a bold question," I tell him. My cheeks feel warm. Why am I almost blushing? "What makes you say that?"

"You talk to me," he says.

I can't help but laugh. "I talk to a lot of people," I remind him. I switch the phone to my other ear and glance over my shoulder. There's silence behind me now. I wonder where mom is.

"But you don't seem like you hate it."

"Hate talking to you?"

"Yeah."

I shrug, even though I know he can't see it. "You don't drive me nuts like a lot of people I know."

"Do you want to go on a date with me Friday?" he asks suddenly, and I'm taken aback. He takes advantage of my silence and continues quickly. "We'll go after school, grab something to eat maybe."

I take another deep breath. I know what I want to say, but it's easier for me to force out, "Sure." A lump forms in my throat, and when we hang up, I have an overwhelming sense of dread. I don't want to go on a date with him.

Mom would be so upset if she found out I rejected Roy. He's from such a nice family, she'd say; he's such a nice boy. And Christina and the girls wouldn't understand.

It seems like it's just easier to say yes to one date than to have to explain again and again why I said no.

When Christina arrives after dinner, she asks about Roy immediately, right in front of mom. I want to scream, but I tell them the truth, trying to keep the strain from my voice.

Mom almost loses her mind, she's so excited. I want to make Christina leave. Why couldn't she have kept that to herself?

She and mom can't seem to contain their excitement for the rest of the night. and I work twice as hard as I normally would on the homework, just so Christina will leave sooner. She says something about calling Ruth, and I don't care what she does, as long as she does it at her own house.

Later that night, while I'm trying to sleep, I realize why it's bugging me so much, why today has just been awful. Everyone is so busy being happy for me, no one realizes I'm not happy.

But I guess I have no one to blame but myself.

it wasn't who you thought it'd be, huh?

review reply: Guest: I fully believe Ace would beat a girl up, but I always felt like he knew what would hurt her worse than a punch to the face. and I don't hate Teddy, he's actually one of my favorite characters, but I feel like he'd be the type of friend that gets on your nerves after a while.