Hey guys!
Sorry it's been a while! I live in Edinburgh and The International Festival has struck. Everything is mad! Also I've been writing like crazy.
First of all, THANK YOU SO MUCH for your long detailed reviews guys! I really appreciate you taking the time to give me feedback. It's so wonderfully useful!
I think I better do some explaining ha!
I think there seems to be a consensus of, we get the characters need to change and there needs to be drama, but if they take a turn for the worst and it goes a bit far then we stop sympathising with them and begin to just dislike them. I agree with you guys to an extent. I wanted the story to go this way but I think it's been dragged out a little too long and I don't want you guys to wind up disliking the characters and not caring about them anymore :( Also, I apologise that is says roamce/humour in the description when there is a lack of both at the moment!
With this is mind, this chapter is the last of the downtimes. And, I won't lie to you guys, it goes pretty downhill... It probably wasn't the best course for the story to take but I'm going to commit to it now. As a result, the chapter is quite long, but I thought getting it over with in one chapter might lessen the blow. Like ripping off a plaster/bandaid :P
I'll give you guys a wee insight into my head... I think it can be quite strange writing for disney characters in 'real life' situations. For example, we all want to believe that our fave characters have a high school romance, get married and have kids. In reality, how many high school sweethearts stay together? People change, and college and moving out is a big big change. Sometimes people get in with a bad crowd or try to re-invent themselves or fall back onto old insecurities in a new place. Sometimes they're an idiot for a while because they're trying to find out who they are.
The way I see it, this is the first time Ryan has had a chance to establish himself on his own. He is finally being assessed as his own person from the get-go. He's also exceptionally talented and is being told so day after day by a lot of beautiful women. From drama geek under the thumb of his twin to the situation he's in now... I think it could give anyone a false sense of importance. He's also an extrovert who I think would really embrace the party lifestyle. The people he's hanging out with are idiots really, but they're friends he made on his own. He wants them to be perfect. Anyone that doesn't agree just 'doesn't get it'.
Kelsi on the other hand is an introvert. While she has struggled to fit into college life, Ryan has flourished. It's made her bitter and suspiscous. She's unhappy. Ad unhappy people in relationships do weird things. Add all this to the fact that they are 18/19 and living in each other's pockets, I think it's a recipe for disaster in a way! What I want to do is show how they become the pair that are right enough for each other to stay together for good.
I totally understand if this just gets a bit too angsty for some, after all the genre does say romance/humour! But... if you're willing to stick with me and find out where this journey takes the characters, then read on!
After this chapter I plan to post what is happening with the WHOLE gang for the next two Christmases. Then we'll be back in New York for the end of Ryan and Kelsi's third year of college. I'll try and get another update up in the next few days, so we don't need to be sad for very long!
Thanks again for the reviews! I LOVE having feedback to work off! You are all so lovely for taking the time to do it!
Today was one of Kelsi's less awkward days of her summer in Alburqurque. Most of them had been pretty darn awkward. The first week or so had been the worst. Although all of her friends were back home for the summer, they hadn't been able to initially meet up as one large group. As a result, Kelsi had spent her first week back in Alburqurque explaining to all her friends individually that Ryan had decided to spend his summer in New York. Without her. Each of her friends had given her the same strange polite smile that Kelsi had began to resent. In fact, by the time she met up with Taylor at the end of the week, she was actually relieved to hear her snort and mutter 'boy disease' under her breath.
Today however, she would be spending the afternoon with Sharpay. In the beginning, Kelsi had been dreading this day. She had agreed to swing by the Evans household to play through a few songs that Sharpay wanted to focus on next year at U of A. Frankly, the idea of turning up and having to converse with Ryan's parents and sister while he was strangely in New York instead of home for the summer horrified her. But since Sharpay had asked so politely Kelsi had found herself unable to say no. In addition, she had been back in town for almost a month and had thus far avoided the rest of the Evans family. She would need to face them eventually and at least she had an excuse to go over.
It had turned out to be less of an ordeal than Kelsi had foreseen. Ryan's parents were as charming as always and didn't look fazed at all by Ryan's absence, though they mentioned they missed him of course. If they were concerned or confused about anything in their son's relationship, then they hid it well. Though Kelsi acknowledged that they had been given plenty of time to perfect how they would approach the subject.
Sharpay to Kelsi's great surprise had been a delight. From what she had seen at Christmas and the odd phone/skype call between the twins, she had guessed that Sharpay had mellowed considerably this year. It was still very strange to be sitting at the piano with her and feel relaxed instead of the fear she had become accustomed to. The so-called 'Ice Queen' was patient, polite and even complimentary when Kelsi played a particularly tricky part of the accompaniment. With something to do, it meant they didn't really chat. Which meant they didn't really discuss Ryan. Which suited Kelsi just fine.
The greatest surprise of all came at the end of the session.
"They all sound great Sharpay." Kelsi said as they finished running through the final song. "U of A seems to be a good fit for you."
Sharpay nodded, a bright smile lighting up her face.
"Yeah I considered reapplying to other colleges this year but there's just so much going on here." Sharpay babbled. "I mean, the course at U of A is really great and I'm learning loads working with Ms Darbus. And then there's the class with Chad. We're part of Martha's timetable now so we're bringing in loads of business. I might apply for a postgraduate course after I graduate but we'll see."
Sharpay just shrugged cheerfully and picked up her music from the stand, tapping the pile on the piano so it stacked neatly together.
"So can I help you with anything?"
Kelsi was silent for a moment and quickly closed her mouth when she realised it was hanging open.
"S-Sorry?" Kelsi stammered, looking at Sharpay incredulously.
"Do you want any help?" Sharpay giggled. "With songs or anything? I could sing some things through for you. I know Ryan does that for you."
Except he hadn't done that in a while. As she looked at his sister she found the kindness in her brown eyes.
"Actually I have been working on a couple of things. it would be nice to hear them with a proper singer."
"Fabulous!" Sharpay squealed, clapping her hands together excitedly as Kelsi rummaged through her bag, pulling out two manuscripts.
"They're not finished." Kelsi warned her as she placed the first song on the music stand. "There's just a verse for each."
She began to play the intro for the first song and she felt Sharpay leaning over her shoulder to read the music.
"One, two, three four…"
"I gotta say what's on my mind." Sharpay sang softly, sensing the melancholy arrangement and adapting her voice to suit it. "Something about us doesn't seem right these days. Life keeps getting in the way. Whenever we try somehow the plan is always rearranged…"
Kelsi felt the familiar warmth grow through her as she heard Sharpay breathe life into her composition. There was no better feeling on earth, in her opinion, than listening to one of her songs performed the way she had dreamed in her mind.
"It's so hard to say, but I've gotta do what's best for me. You'll be okay…"
"That's all I have so far." Kelsi said as they reached the end of the page. "What do you think? Does it feel ok in that key?"
"Yeah it's great." Sharpay replied flatly.
Kelsi turned to frown at Sharpay. Her eyes were still on the music and there seemed to be a note of uncertainty in her eyes.
"Are you sure?" Kelsi checked. "You don't sound…"
"Can I hear the other one?" Sharpay cut in, rather abruptly.
"Uh… sure."
Kelsi placed the next song on the stand and played the opening chords.
"It's funny when you find yourself looking from the outside. I'm standing here and all I want is to be over there."
Kelsi was impressed by the depth and sincerity Sharpay brought to the song. A year in college had really done her good. A year ago she would have been ordering Kelsi to boost the tempo and now she was almost holding back the tears as Sharpay's interpretation of the song tugged at her heart strings.
"Why did I let myself believe miracles could happen? 'Cause now I have to pretend that I don't really care…"
Kelsi stopped playing, letting the last note hang in the air.
"Wow Sharpay." she said softly. "That was so…"
"Kelsi, what the hell are these songs?"
Kelsi looked up in surprise and found Sharpay looking at her through narrowed eyes. Suddenly she was back in Junior Year, feeling two inches tall.
"They're… It's just some stuff I've been working on."
Sharpay's gaze softened and she disconcerted Kelsi further by settling herself beside her on the piano stool.
"What's going on with you and Ryan Kelsi? He mentioned that you'd had some problems but I couldn't drag anything else out of him." Sharpay wrinkled her nose in discomfit. "He usually tells me everything."
"We… We had a bit of a rough patch I guess." Kelsi said warily, trying to ignore Sharpay hanging on her every word. "But he did this really nice gesture for our anniversary…"
"And so everything's ok now?" Sharpay said with raised eyebrows. It wasn't hard to pick up on the sarcasm in her voice.
"Well it was really thoughtful. We had a picnic in Central Park. He made a whole load of Zeke's specialities for me."
Sharpay looked back at her, her expression almost pitying.
"From experience." Sharpay said slowly her gaze leaving Kelsi's and focusing on the music again. "Trust me when I tell you that Zeke Baylor's recipes, as amazing as they are, are not enough to fix a relationship."
A look in Sharpay's eyes told Kelsi that there was more to that statement. She waited patiently but, as usual, the blonde girl didn't elaborate.
"I'm sorry I haven't visited this year." Sharpay suddenly said, out of nowhere. "I meant to. It's just been…"
"Yeah it's been pretty crazy." Kelsi agreed, still watching Sharpay carefully.
"But I will soon." the female Evans twin nodded decisively/ "I think a visit is long overdue."
***
Hey man. If you feel like answering your phone this century, we're all having an end of summer party. Everyone wants to say Hi. I guess your busy but Gabriella says she misses you, Taylor says to get your butt here at Christmas, Martha says the dance floor isn't the same without you, Jason says your missing his 'killer moves' (though between you and me, you're not missing much), Troy says that he's sorry for any time he underestimated the work of an actor because he feels like his soul has been crushed, Zeke says he hopes you don't mind that he gave your share of his cookies to Kelsi. Your sister says that she still hates you for not being here. Kelsi says she loves you. I say call me back for once! C
Ryan stared at the text waiting for some sort of reaction. Guilt. Regret. Wistfulness. Nothing came to him. He had been living and breathing New York for the last two months and Alburqurque seemed another world away.
"One black coffee."
"Thanks." Ryan replied stuffing his phone back in his pocket as Carmen sat down. The two of them and a few others from their class at college had done a few classes at Broadway Dance Centre that day, aiming to keep in shape over the summer. Ryan had sort of been looking forward to going home and crashing in bed but Carmen had insisted she buy him a coffee as he had paid her entry into the class.
Ryan's phone buzzed again and he rolled his eyes before fishing it back out his pocket.
Also you're missing the 'official screening' of Senior Year. Jason filmed it and forgot to tell anyone because, well because he's Jason. Snooze you lose!
Kidding, we'll send Kelsi back with one for you. C
"What's up?" Carmen asked, her gaze flicking to Ryan's phone as he put it back again without replying.
"Some of the people I went to school with are having this… party. Apparently I'm missing out." Ryan said with a shrug.
"Ooooh a party in Alburqurque!" Carmen exclaimed with mock enthusiasm. "Golly gosh if only you could make it!"
Carmen giggled to herself and Ryan laughed along politely. It seemed wrong laughing at his friends this way when they obviously wanted him to be there, but a party in his house in Alburqurque seemed sort of lame next to a wild night out in New York. Then again, his friends from High School didn't have that point of reference.
"Are they all majoring in 'normal' degrees?" Carmen asked, leaning forward as if Ryan was about to give her a good laugh.
"Sort of…" Ryan began. "Gabriella's doing law. Taylor's studying political science which is so…"
"Incredibly BORING!" Carmen grinned, looking at him knowingly as if she had managed to complete his sentence. He had actually been about to say that the degree was so her because he would bet on her becoming the first female president of the United States. However, Carmen patted him on the arm, a gesture he now knew as a sign of camaraderie, so he didn't dwell on it.
"Right." he said with a grin. "Yeah I'm glad I stayed here. That class was amazing!"
"I'm glad you stayed too." Carmen said with a smile. She stayed very still, still smiling at him and Ryan looked at her curiously. It was if she was about to say something else but instead there was just a lengthy silence. A small movement on his arm made him look down and he was perplexed to find that her hand was still on his arm. He was about to say something when she leaned forward.
"Wait." she murmured, her eyes scanning his face up close. "You have an eyelash."
"Oh." Ryan muttered uncomfortably. "I'll just…"
"I'll get it."
Ryan waited patiently as Carmen delicately dabbed the eyelash from his cheek.
"All gone." she whispered, still an inch from his face and unmoving. Ryan frowned at her in confusion.
"Carmen, what…"
His reply was muffled as she pushed her lips against his. Ryan felt his arms spasm wildly in alarm and half a second later he wrenched himself away from her, his eyes wide and bewildered.
Carmen looked back at him with her big brown eyes, her smile wide and inviting. She considered him for a moment and, as if someone had flicked a switch, her face fell.
"Oh my God…" she said flatly. "Oh my God. I'm… I'm so stupid. I need to go…"
She began frantically grabbing her bag and coat and was halfway out of her chair when Ryan grabbed her arm.
"It's ok…"
"No Ryan I'm so embarrassed.."
"Please just sit down. Let's… let's figure this out."
Carmen submitted and lowered herself back into her seat, looking around the coffee house self consciously.
"I'm sorry." she whispered, staring at her hands.
"Hey it's ok." Ryan muttered. He still felt dumb-founded and completely confused by the situation.
"What's going on?"
"You're so great Ryan." Carmen explained softly, meeting his gaze with a forlorn look that instantly made him want to put her at ease. He almost felt guilty for rejecting her, even though it had been the right thing to do.
"You're so funny and talented. Not bad on the eyes either. I've… I've liked you for quite a while." she admitted, giving him a fond smile.
"Carmen that's really nice of you to say but… You know I'm with Kelsi."
"Yes of course!" Carmen exclaimed, her eyes widening innocently. "It's just, you stopped talking about her and you didn't seem to see her that much. Then she went home for summer on her own… I sort of thought it was over."
Ryan observed her closely. She sat hunched over, her caramel coloured hair hanging in front of her, her delicate hands fidgeting in front of her. She had simply got the wrong impression. Nothing more.
"You must hate me." she murmured, looking utterly hopeless.
"No!" Ryan cut in hastily. "No not at all."
"Ryan, I'd love to just forget about all this." Carmen continued softly. "You're such a good friend and I wouldn't want to lose you over something so stupid."
Her almond shaped eyes looked at him hopefully. She looked genuinely sorry.
"Hey I can't lose the best dancer in the class as my dance partner." she joked, a grin breaking across her face. Ryan found he couldn't help but grin back.
"Ok. Friends."
Kelsi was currently experiencing her sixth hug that day. The first three had occurred in the airport back in New Mexico that morning from her mother, father and brother. She had arrived in Newark airport to find Ryan dutifully waiting for her.
It was strange. She was delighted to see him and his own face was beaming, but something felt awkward. Kelsi had an Aunt who lived in Alaska and as a result she only ever got to see her cousins every few years. As children the meet ups had always been awkward at first as they tip-toed around each other. Then by the second or third day they would be playing together like brothers and sisters.
This sort of felt the same. The hug she received was a little awkward, as if they had gotten rusty whilst she had been away. Even her hug from Benny, the night manager on campus, had been more enthusiastic. However, by the time Ryan left Kelsi at her dorm, letting her drop off her luggage before meeting him upstairs, things almost felt back to normal.
Her sixth hug was of course from Jen and she was currently convinced she was going to suffocate.
"Jen… Can't… Breathe…"
"Please don't go home at Christmas. I've been bored out of my mind." Jen sighed as she finally released Kelsi from her freakishly strong grasp.
"Me and Ryan will have our own place. Maybe we will beg to stay in New York this Christmas." Kelsi said brightly, referencing Jen's prediction from last year.
Jen wrinkled her nose in distate.
"Oh yeah. You're leaving me."
Jen was still a tad bitter that Kelsi wouldn't be living with her next year.
"We still have two weeks."
"Yeah if Blondie ever finds you a place."
Kelsi just rolled her eyes in response. Ryan had been left with the charge of finding them an apartment over the summer and had been utterly useless. He kept trying to justify to Kelsi that they would have had to look last minute anyway if he'd gone back home too. She resisted the urge to point out that him finding the apartment was supposed to be the consolation for him abandoning her for the whole summer, not to mention missing her birthday. He had been living in a loft with Mitch, Tom and Dylan for the last couple of months and Kelsi suspected he had been having too much fun to even think about another apartment.
"Speaking of which, when should I make myself scarce?" Jen asked, wiggling her eyebrows.
"Not until later. I still need to go to the library." Kelsi sighed, glancing at her watch.
"The library! The semester doesn't start for another two weeks!"
"I need a score and I need it today."
The Julliard library stocked a generous catalogue of sheet music, even more than the store where Kelsi worked. She planned to take full advantage now that she was back in New York. As wonderful as it had been to see her friends and family in Alburqurque, she had missed a lot of things about New York. Notably the beautiful practice room pianos…
When she paid her visit to the library she found that she wasn't the only early bird there. The place was half full, presumably full of students who wanted to avoided the first-day-of-term rush. As usual, the section that hosted the more obscure music selections was all but deserted and Kelsi breathed a sigh of contentment as she left the chatter of voices behind her and began browsing the titles. One of her favourite pastimes was to find a score she didn't recognise and thumb through the pages, letting her fingers twitch the melodies as she heard the song played in her mind. It was the perfect way to find inspiration and new influences for her compositions. She had just began to get lost in one particular stanza when, just as her eyes began to flutter closed, a shrill giggle cut through her thoughts. Kelsi's eyes flew open and she frowned slightly as she heard a 'Ssssh!' followed by another giggle. Closing the score in her hand softly, Kelsi resolved to move onto another shelf where she wouldn't be interrupted.
"Are you sure this isn't something to do with Ryan Evans?"
Kelsi stopped still. Her eyes darted to the book case on her left. If she squinted between the volumes she could just make out the backs of two figures, the heads close together.
There was another giggle. Knowing this time.
"C'mon Carmen. A summer show and a recommendation for the Winter Recital?"
"I've worked ever so hard this summer." Carmen replied. Kelsi could only see the back of her head, but she pictured a smirk on her perfect face.
"I've known you since Kindergarten." the other girl replied dryly. "And I know you have that dance partner wrapped round your little finger."
"We work well together…"
"Yeah I noticed. Isn't he taken?"
Carmen replies with a dismissive snort.
"So that's a yes…"
"Believe me, he won't be for long. His girlfriend's the most boring person I've ever met. She's never with him. I honestly thought they were over for a while…"
"Wishful thinking?" the other girl asked, teasing.
"Well… Ryan's cute." Carmen replied, though there was an edge to her voice.
"Career enhancing cute?"
"Some best friend you are!"
"I just know you too well."
The girls giggled softly together.
Suddenly a loud crackle issued from the speakers above Kelsi's head, causing her to jump a foot in the air.
"Attention. The library will close in ten minutes."
Kelsi looked back through the bookcase and found that the two girls had vanished. She looked around at her supposed sanctuary and suddenly felt like she didn't want to be there any more. Ignoring her racing pulse for the moment she focused on leaving the library. She would process all this once she was out of the library.
"Hey! Kelsi!"
Realising she had been staring fixedly at the carpet as she walked, Kelsi looked up and found herself meeting a pair of innocent looking almond eyes. The girl's lips spread into a hopelessly charming smile and she considered Kelsi with a look of delight, as if bumping into her was the highlight of her day. When Kelsi didn't reply, Carmen simply cocked her head sweetly.
"How was Alburqurque?" she asked brightly. Kelsi involuntarily felt her eyebrows knit together. Was this really the same girl she had just overheard.
"It was… fine." she said slowly, her eyes flitting to the girl next to her. Carmen's friend wasn't as skilled at hiding her true feelings. Embarrassed comprehension was written all over her face as she scanned Kelsi with wide eyes.
"Sorry, I have to go. I'll… I'll see you later." Kelsi mumbled, turning on her heel and striding towards the exit.
"Yeah let's catch up soon!"
This time Kelsi definitely heard the note of sarcasm in her voice and the giggle that followed.
It was almost heaven. Kelsi lounged on her pillows, clutching her mug of tea in two hands as she resisted the urge to close her eyes and lose herself in the music. She isn't want to tear her eyes from the sight before her. Ryan sitting on the edge of her bed, nimbly playing soft strains on his acoustic guitar. Every so often he would murmur something softly along to the music. A possible lyric perhaps. Kelsi could have watched him forever. For now it didn't seem strange that they weren't having one of their don't-stop-for-breath conversations that they used to have when they spent even a few days away from each other. They were together, and for now Kelsi was content.
Ryan's phone buzzed and the music abruptly stopped. He reached over and quickly checked it, grinning slightly at something. He began playing again and Kelsi let herself sink further into the pillows.
"I missed this." she sighed.
"Me too. You have no idea how good it is to play for someone who doesn't feel the need to add drum embellishments." Ryan said, grinning over his shoulder.
His phone buzzed again and Kelsi felt a tick of annoyance as the music came to a halt again for Ryan to check his phone.
"So… you mostly hung out with Mitch then?"
"Huh?"
Ryan looked up from his phone and looked at her blankly.
"You… spent most of your time with Mitch this summer?" Kelsi repeated, biting her lip and hoping she didn't sound nearly as weird as she did in her head.
"Yeah I guess. Tom and Dylan too." Ryan said with a shrug.
The phone buzzed again. Kelsi felt the curiosity knaw at her as Ryan idly checked his phone again before setting it back down on the bed. After he'd played a few more verses he yawned and stretched.
"What movie do you feel like tonight?" he asked, pushing the guitar off his lap and turning to smile at her.
"How about… Top Hat?" Kelsi said, mockingly putting on a sultry tone. Ever since Kelsi's attempt to seduce Ryan whilst they watched the Fred and Ginger classic, it had become somewhat of an inside joke.
"I could run back to my room and get it." Ryan said, a devilish grin gracing his features.
"Just how fast can you run?"
Ryan gracefully leapt up from the bed and gave her a quick peck on the cheek.
"You won't even know I was gone."
With one last flash of a smile in her direction he was out the door. Kelsi laughed softly to herself, though only part of her had been joking. She really had missed Ryan and already she craved his company again. The minutes passed by and Kelsi busied herself by clearing up a few things in her room. She was just smoothing out her bedcovers when she heard a louse buzz.
Ryan's phone had received yet another message.
Kelsi stared at the innocent looking object on her bed. It was horribly tempting, especially after the conversation she had heard in the library earlier. A quick peek. Ryan would never know…
Kelsi tore her eyes away. She couldn't. It was a huge invasion of privacy and implied that she didn't trust the man she loved.
It's her I don't trust. Kelsi thought darkly.
Of course she trusted Ryan. But… what if Carmen's messages told her more about the girl's motives? Things that Ryan, not knowing her true nature, would have thought of? What if she could help him?
Kelsi stared bitterly at the phone. That wasn't why she longed to check the messages and she knew it.
It buzzed again.
This time she didn't think. She just grabbed the phone and found the inbox folder.
Answer your phone already! xxx
Kelsi considered the kisses at the end of the text with narrowed eyes and scrolled up at the past messages. They were nothing really. Arranging meetings mostly. But there were a lot. More than Kelsi had even expected.
Coffee this weekend? Promise I won't kiss you again ;P xxx
Her heart stopped. Or at least it felt like it had. In fact time itself seemed frozen for a second. She scrolled up, searching manically.
Sorry again about yesterday. The kiss was out of line. Glad we can still be friends :) xxx
Ryan whistled as he jogged back down the stairs, armed with his copy of 'Top Hat'. He had a feeling that he and Kelsi would be making up for lost time tonight and so he had opted to spend a bit of time back at his dorm showering and making sure he looked his best. He returned to Kelsi's dorm and knocked cheerfully on the door. As the handle turned he plastered a cheeky grin onto his face.
"I am ready to be… Jen!"
Jen peeked through her mass of dark hair. She was wearing a pair of plaid pyjama pants and a black tank top, clearly ready for bed.
"Blondie?" she replied with a frown, clearly as confused as he was. "Welcome back."
"I thought you were out tonight."
"I was… Kelsi told me you'd left and that I could come back." Jen said slowly as she gave Ryan a puzzled once over. "I got back just as she was leaving."
"Leaving?! Where did she go?"
"To study with the puppy dog. You know that Mike guy?"
"I mean, you could definitely list Pink Floyd's earlier work under the psychedelic genre, but by the late 1960s they really started to be labelled progressive rock…"
"Uh huh…"
"Then obviously by the 80s you had neo-progressive rock which was a bit more accessible…"
"Obviously." Kelsi replied, trying to keep her face looking interested. As Mike droned on, she surreptitiously glanced at the clock on his wall. Not one hour ago, when she had still felt the red hot anger boiling in her veins, visiting Mike in his dorm had seemed like a strong, defiant retort to her recent discovery about Ryan and Carmen. There had been no rational thought. All she remembered was the pain that had seared through her chest and the desire to cause pain back. She seethed the whole way to Mike's dorm, imagining with grim satisfaction what Ryan's face would look like when he found out.
Now that she sat in a forced state of composure for Mike, she could see how rash her actions had been. How reckless. How damaging…
When she heard the knock on the door that she had been expecting, and almost vindictively hoping for, she was surprised to find that she didn't feel regret, guilt or even shame, though she had plenty cause to feel all three. She felt only fear. Not of Ryan himself. Of course he would never hurt her. Her insides squirmed in terror as she considered what her moment of fury had cost her.
Mike automatically stood up from the table at the knock and went to get the door. Kelsi, having been lost in her thoughts for a moment, was a second too late in warning him.
"Mike! I wouldn't…"
Mike opened the door and for a split second Ryan was revealed on the other side, his eyes dark.
SMACK
Kelsi let out an involuntary shriek as Mike was thrown onto his back by the weight of the punch. Ryan stood stalk still on the threshold, his body visibly shaking with anger, his right hand still in a tight fist.
Kelsi locked eyes with him for a second and felt herself flinch. Despite the fact he had just pummelled Mike across the room, he wasn't frightening. Everything in his body language seem to scream 'Why?'. He looked… helpless.
"Wow you really are doing all the hard work for me." Mike snarled from the floor, his voice muffled from the hand he held over his face. Kelsi suddenly remembered herself and rushed to his side.
"Mike! Are you.."
"Leave it!"
Kelsi recoiled as Mike swatted her hand away irritably. He gingerly removed his hand from his face and Kelsi breathed a sigh of relief when she saw there was no blood.
"What the hell is your problem?" Mike snapped from the floor, this time directing his words at Ryan. He didn't answer and Kelsi chanced a look at him, trying to look accusing in spite of how afraid she felt. This wasn't Mike's fault. This was all on her.
"I need to talk to Kelsi." Ryan said coldly. "Put some ice on your eye and you'll probably avoid a bruise."
As if she were a puppet being yanked up by the strings, Kelsi felt herself rise to her feet. Without a backward glance at Mike she left his dorm and began walking down the hallway. She heard the door close with a dull thud behind her and felt Ryan's footsteps just behind her own. They walked in silence until they reached Kelsi's room. Still in a sort of daze, Kelsi let them in and looked around expectantly.
"Jen?" she tried softly.
"She went out again." Ryan replied gruffly. Kelsi nodded. So Ryan had returned, found out where she had gone and convinced Jen to take off so they could argue in private. She felt a small pang of guilt for her friend who had been hoping to get an early night.
With a long exhale Ryan walked past her towards the kitchen worktop. He leaned against it for a few seconds, his head bowed. Then he turned to face her.
That was how it began. Kelsi endured it in silence as Ryan told her all the things she already knew. That she had purposely gone to see Mike to aggravate him. That, as much as he disliked Mike, he didn't deserve to be her toy. That it didn't make any sense. That he didn't understand her at all this time…
"I don't get it Kelsi, we agreed that you shouldn't see him."
"Right but you still see Carmen!" Kelsi snapped, breaking her silence. Ryan let out a long groan of frustration.
"Kelsi it's not the same!"
"It's not?" Kelsi asked, not caring how her voice dripped with sarcasm. "How about when she kissed you."
That showed him. Kelsi waited patiently as Ryan stared at her dumbly, as if he had been hit over the head with a blunt object.
"I wonder why you didn't feel the need to tell me that." she said softly.
"I was going to tell you."
"No you weren't."
Ryan was silent. Caught.
"I knew you'd react like this."
"Like what?" Kelsi replied with a short hysterical laugh. "You ordered me to stop seeing my friend because you found out he had feelings for me. Then your friend kisses you and you're allowed to be best buddies."
"Because… Because Carmen's nice ok! She's a good friend!" Ryan retorted, shouting now.
"And Mike's not?"
"No! He's a shrewd, volatile… He dresses like…"
"Oh there it is!" Kelsi spat, a new wave of anger coursing through her at Ryan's petty comment. "Mike's dress sense. That's what it comes down to? That's the reason he deserved a punch?"
"Look Carmen's a genuine person. She made a mistake."
"She knew exactly what she was doing!" Kelsi shouted, tears pricking in her eyes as she recalled the conversation she had overheard earlier. "She's fake Ryan and she's only your good side because conveniently it means you're her dance partner."
Ryan was looking at her like she was crazy but she carried on, having gained too much momentum to stop.
"She's laughing at you Ryan! She doesn't care…"
"Oh so you know everything about having friends huh Kels?"
Kelsi took a sharp intake of breath as the full force of Ryan's comment hit her. Her face crumpled and she saw a flash of regret pass through Ryan's eyes for a second. Then he was hard again, his jaw set.
"It was nothing ok." he muttered defiantly. "I didn't kiss her back."
"If it was nothing then why didn't you tell me?" Kelsi asked, her voice quiet but viscous.
Ryan was silent again and Kelsi felt that strange sick feeling of triumph again. She racked her brain to understand what it was she was winning exactly… Then Ryan's expression began to change. His eyes narrowed.
"How did you know?" he asked quietly.
Her cheeks instantly burned as the blush flooded her cheeks. She opened her mouth to lie, then closed it again. She had never beena good liar. Ryan knew it too and he studied her closely, taking a few steps towards her. Under Ryan's scrutinising gaze, Kelsi let her eyes fly to the small phone on the table. That was all it took and Ryan's eyes widened.
"You… You went through my PHONE?!"
"Yeah and good job I did." Kelsi said hurriedly as disbelief began to wash over Ryan's features. "You never would have told me about Carmen."
"It's not about what would have happened, it's about whether you trust someone!" Ryan yelled, his voice so loud and frightening that Kelsi jumped back. She stared at him in shock. He had never spoken to her that way before. Breathing heavily, Ryan stared at her from across the room and Kelsi suddenly felt a horrific tightening across her chest. He didn't look angry or upset. It was worse than either of those things. He was looking at her as if he had absolutely no clue who she was.
"Ryan…" she said softly reaching out to him. He recoiled from her, taking a step back.
Kelsi felt the panic rise through her. She was losing him.
"I don't mind that you got angry." she said quickly, still feebly reaching out to him. "We just need to… calm down and…"
"No. No Kelsi." Ryan said, his voice suddenly sounding tired as he stared at his feet.
"This life is working out better for me than it is for you." he continued in a dead voice, his eyes still fixated on the floor. "And I'm sorry about that but… this…" he gestured towards her and finally looked up, his eyes bitter.
"This isn't the same Kelsi I came to New York with."
In hindsight she should have let him go then. But she had clung on to her last thread desperately. Inevitably the argument had just grown all the more bitter as countless things were dragged from their life and scrutinised. It turned Ryan's cold resignation into viscous anger again and he finally left in the small hours of the morning, slamming the door behind him.
Kelsi woke up to a slight tickle on her cheek. She squinted through her puffy eyes to find a curtain of bushy dark hair over her face.
Jen was pulling her up from the cold kitchen tiles where she had fallen asleep in a ball, her cheeks still sticky from old tears. Her room mate all but carried her a short distance away to the couch. Her head hit the soft cushions and she was out again.
"She doesn't want to see you Blondie."
"I know. I just came to get my guitar."
"Here."
"Thanks."
"Sure. Just…"
"I know. I won't come back."
That was the last time Kelsi heard Ryan Evans' voice for a long time. As she let herself drift back into her dreams, an old conversation appeared before her.
"I love you."
"I love you too."
"When do you think we'll get bored of saying it?" Ryan asked teasingly, pulling her even closer to him on the piano stool. Kelsi took another few seconds to consider his face. Happiness and triumph simply radiated from him. He was glorious. She saw herself reflected in the big blue eyes she loved and was delighted to find that she looked just as jubilant. Then again, it wasn't every night you told a boy you loved him for the first time.
"I don't think I'll ever get bored of saying it." Kelsi replied, contently letting her head rest on Ryan's shoulder. She felt his arm coil round her shoulders to give her a reassuring squeeze.
"Good." he whispered into her hair. "Because I'm not going anywhere."
"Good." Kelsi whispered back, letting her eyes close as she sighed into his shoulder.
"If I'm stupid enough to let you go, you need to get me back ok." he joked, kissing her forehead.
Kelsi shook slightly with silent laughter but she felt the tiredness begin to overwhelm her.
"Ok." she mumbled with a grin.
"Promise?"
"Promise."