IN WHICH THE GREAT PAPYRUS... IS GREAT!
Grillbz's storage room was ablaze with warm yellow light. The present time had slowed for Gaster, and unconnected memories flickered across his consciousness as he lay looking up at the shifting glow on the ceiling. He was cradled in warmth, healing magic sinking into his bones. He could just feel the surge of plasma under Grillbz's burning skin; plasma like the blood of stars and the glowing heart of galaxies, but tamed to friendly warmth that could heal and hold.
".Gaster."
"Huh?"
".are you asleep?"
"No."
".don't fall will be difficult to wake you up."
"Mm."
". Gaster. what did I just tell you?"
"dunngo't'sleep."
".Gaster, wake up." Grillbz patted the side of his skull. ".talk."
"Bout wha'?"
".there are all manner of questions I could stand to have 's this nonsense about you dying?"
"Oh you heard that?"
".you said it to my face. twice."
"Oh yeah." Gaster yawned quietly. Grillbz adjusted his position, pressing Gaster's spine to his torso and wrapping it in flames. The flames flickered green across Gaster's bones wherever they touched Grillbz. The healing warmth was relaxing, even without the alcohol, and Gaster was pleasantly spaced out. Grillbz swatted at his face again.
".so?start talking."
"M. Yeah. Oh right, you don't know this."
".I knew how badly you were hurt outside the you haven't you healed?"
"Who knows. Skeletons are weird, 'member?"
".yes."
"Huh. Well. It's just—small things. In a normal monster you'd call it aging, but I have no child, and in theory I shouldn't age. Guess I'm just wearing down. Old wounds aren't healing, my bones are getting more brittle—"
".then for God's sake stop falling off things."
"I'm light, it doesn't hurt me much compared to other monsters, though compared to what I could once take I've gotten weaker."
".stop defending your bad decisions Gaster."
"Mm." he paused.
".go on." said Grillbz, and he shook himself.
"My face is going numb."
Grillbz snapped out a ? above Gaster's ribcage.
"When I first woke up after that year altered consciousness or whatever we've decided to call it, I could move the right side of my face, just a little. After a while, I couldn't, and now I can move even less of it, and the numbness is spreading."
".is this a skeleton thing?"
"I don't know why it's spreading, but the process is, more or less. Unhealed facial cracks are odd. First they're painful, then the membrane around the crack goes stiff, and they become numb. Sometimes they can slowly heal after that, though they'll scar."
". wait. membrane. . so you have skin?"
"In a very loose manner of speaking, yes, just on my skull. I need something to keep the ectoplasm from dripping out my chin. And how else would I smile?"
".I see."
Gaster nestled deeper into the flames with a contented sigh.
"Anthing else you're dying to know?"
".yes, actually. . one drink and you're completely pissed. . are skeletons such ridiculous lightweights?"
"We have no livers. And you did that on purpose."
".you're funny when you're drunk. . you should have told me you were hurt."
"So you could give me a bigger dose?"
".alcohol as anesthetic is a poor life choice."
"Once upon a time I might have cared about that."
". ff. Gaster , I don't have a liver either."
"And? We also don't have blood, or tissues."
".I'm starting to question how you get drunk at all."
"Magic."
".I don't get drunk, why do you?"
"Mmmmagic!"
".though I suppose it goes straight to your head, as it has nowhere else to go."
"Sure. Can we stop talking? It's tiring."
".what?"
"This. Having a conversation, I have to focus really hard on—" he paused, recited several lines from the Aeneid, paused again, and resumed—"keeping in time. Uh. Excuse me."
Grillbz crackled his amusement.
".I was right. . you're funny."
"Alright, fine."
".Gaster!don't go to sleep!"
"mmfine."
".wait a moment. is this numb?"
"What?"
".I'm poking you in the face."
Gaster reached up and located Grillbz's hand.
"Oh. Huh yeah, didn't feel that."
".but you felt it before?"
"You slapped me in the face. It kind of makes my whole head jerk around, it's hard not to notice."
". oh. so, never poke, just slap you hard in the face if I need to get your attention.I will remember."
"Or use any other method in the world. Such as touching my arm. Or snapping. If none of that works, whistle."
".when I could slap you in the face?"
"This is why no one likes you."
".you, on the other hand, are entirely likable, but never go outside."
"I kinda miss you not talking."
".such snark suddenly. . you must be drunk." They were quiet for a while. ".Gaster?" no answer. Grillbz slapped him lightly. ". Gaster. . you said you wouldn't do this."
"gzmngh. Hnh? Oh hey…" he fell back asleep. Grillbz couldn't wake him until a few minutes later, when he suddenly said in a wide awake voice,
"Am I on fire?"
". Gaster. . you're not on fire. . would I do that to you?"
"Grillbz?" Gaster wrenched himself away and flipped over to face Grillbz. His eyes were unfocused, sparks of light snapping across his black eye sockets, like stars in a dark sky. It was one part beautiful and two parts disturbing.
". Gaster. . snap out of it."
"Iss OK, I forgive you." His voice was slurred with sleep and alcohol.
". wake up."
"Lissen. I know you don't believe me, that's why you're so nice to me. But it's OK. Really. It wasn't your fault."
".Gaster."
Gaster looked blankly at him, then lay back down and was immediately asleep. Grillbz decided to let him sleep for a while.
Gaster was lying with the left side of his face on Grillbz's chest. Grillbz bathed the crack below his eye in healing magic, but it didn't seem to take. He could tell when his healing magic was and wasn't working. He kept it up anyway. It might do some good. Maybe.
Gaster was woken by the disconcerting sensation of having something shoved over his head. It was his sweater. He shook his head free and looked around.
".welcome back to the land of the living. . finally." It was Grillbz, again immaculately dressed.
"I fell asleep? Sorry."
".it wasn't for long. . can you stand?"
"Huh—yeah. Hey, I feel good." Gaster looked down at his hands, half-surprised not to find them glowing with lingering healing magic.
".it'll wear off. . don't strain yourself. how drunk are you?walk around."
"I'm fine," said Gaster, walking smoothly in a circle without stumbling. Grillbz looked at him. His eyes were still unfocused, but he looked like he could make it home.
". good. . walk it off, I have to work."
He watched Gaster part of the way down the street.
".someone needs to take care of that fool."
He didn't have time for a real meal, at least not by his standards, but he drank a pint of oil with some raw potato pieces and got back to work.
It was cold outside. It was always cold in Snowdin, but Sans was realizing it again. Why didn't humans grow more fur? It made no sense… a lot of things made no sense.
The town was quiet, almost everyone was inside. The Capitol was probably rejoicing over the human's capture, but Snowdin was still recovering from the shock of having a hostile human roaming freely in the area. The two monsters that he did see outside were walking quickly, probably going to check on friends or commiserate with the families that had lost someone. It felt strange to imagine that by the day after the next he would be in Hotland. He didn't really want to go with the town like this. One good thing was that it was unlikely that another human would appear so soon after the first one. Unlikely, but not impossible. He didn't like to think about Papyrus facing another one, or another anything, alone after today. If he could just make him promise to be more careful before he left, he'd feel better about leaving him, but he couldn't imagine Papyrus promising. He took his duties as a sentry seriously, even with his carefree attitude. If he felt that he needed to protect Snowdin he'd stand up to anything.
And that was just it. There was no way Sans could make him understand why he couldn't allow that. Papyrus had never had to face his own powerlessness. Sans had protected him from that as best he could, and Papyrus was stronger than him even alone. But there were some things that he ought to run from if he was going to stay safe.
Safe. What a beautiful word. Sans tried to think of a single place in the Underground that was perfectly safe. If it wasn't the potential human, it was the omnipresent Crawlers. With all their time in the Underground the science division still didn't know what to call the things. Popular opinion was that they were prehistoric monsters which had been disturbed by the growing lights of the monsters' civilization and crawled out of the dark caverns, where they had bred and lurked for incomprehensible ages of time. That sounded about right, but the truth was even more disturbing. They just didn't know.
"Saaans?" Sans paused. He heard feet crunching in the snow behind him.
"Saaans! It is you! Hello." he turned.
"Dr. Gaster?.."
"Yes, in fact. I was just walking." Gaster caught up with him and gestured vaguely, smiling. His eyes were unfocused.
"Um. Woah. What's up with you? I mean, that's nice."
"It is," said Gaster seriously, then looked confused for a moment. His eyes sparkled. "Does it ever give you vertigo?"
"Walking?" sometimes, actually, if he stood up too fast, but that was none of anybody's business.
"The way the world spins," said Gaster.
"…Are you drunk?"
"No, of course, you haven't seen it. I'm sorry?"
"You're drunk. Why are you wandering around Snowdin, drunk?"
"Because Grillbz has a very curious sense of humor. Why do I trust him?"
"He's always been decent to me," said Sans, frowning with confusion. "What'd you do to piss him off? Or does he just not do that to regulars?..Dr. Gaster?"
Gaster was staring off into the distance, grinning, as if he'd just had a brilliant idea. He put a hand on Sans's head.
"Hey."
"Uh, yeah?"
Gaster looked down at him, almost trembling in an attempt to suppress his excitement.
"Never trust an elemental, Sans."
"…Why not?"
"They make up everything." Gaster clapped his hands over his face and went into a fit of giggling. Sans watched him in mildly concerned confusion.
"Uh OK?..."
"Oh dear, is that joke too old? Come on, they don't teach you classical scientific theory in school? Well no, most of it's been disproved, but still. Maybe as part of history class? They still teach history, don't they? It's important!"
"OK wow. You shouldn't be out here like this, you're coming home with me."
"I mean I suppose you could use the same joke with atoms. But that's not as funny. I mean, I suppose so, but you can't use it to make your elemental friends hate you. Well you could. He's made of atoms. But then you've got a joke inside a joke inside a joke"
"Hey. Dr. Gaster, come on. Paps is making soup, it'll be great."
"But that's not funny. Everything is made of atoms."
"Hey." Sans reached up and grabbed Gaster's arm. "Come with me."
"OK."
Well this was great. The day just kept getting weirder.
MEANWHILE, THE GREAT PAPYRUS WAS IN THE KITCHEN, PUTTING THE FINISHING TOUCHES ON A COMFORTING MEAL OF SOUP. AFTER A MINOR MAGICAL MISHAP EARLIER IN THE DAY, THEY HAD FALLEN BACK ON CANNED SOUP INSTEAD OF HOMEMADE, BUT THE GREAT PAPYRUS COULD STILL SALVAGE THIS MEAL'S GREATNESS. HE HAD LITTLE CRACKERS THAT LOOKED LIKE SMILEY FACES. AND CHEESE. THOSE MADE ANYTHING BETTER, AND PERHAPS HE COULD MAKE SANS FORGET THE SHAME OF EATING SOUP THAT CAME FROM CANS BECAUSE HIS BROTHER COULDN'T MAKE A GOOD HOMEMADE SOUP.
THE GREAT PAPYRUS WAS BEGINNING TO GROW CONCERNED ABOUT HIS BROTHER'S ABSENCE WHEN HE HEARD FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE. THANK GOODNESS! SANS HAD STEPPED OUT 'JUST FOR A MINUTE' SEVERAL MINUTES BEFORE. 'TO THINK,' HE'D SAID. PAPYRUS DID NOT UNDERSTAND WHY HE COULDN'T THINK IN THE HOUSE. IT WAS WARMER. AND HE, PAPYRUS, WAS THERE TO TALK TO. OR HE COULD TALK TO SANS IF SANS WASN'T TALKING. SOMETIMES SANS DIDN'T TALK MUCH, BUT THAT WAS OK. THE GREAT PAPYRUS COULD TALK JUST FINE BY HIMSELF IF HE NEEDED TO.
"Oh hello Sans," SAID THE GREAT PAPYRUS. "You're finally back! Come on, the soup is ready." AND HE BEGAN POURING THE SOUP INTO TWO BOWLS. THE BOTTOM OF THE PAN WAS ONLY SLIGHLTY BLACKENED. HE WAS PROUD OF HIMSELF.
THERE WERE VOICES OUTSIDE, AND ONE WAS DEFINITELY NOT SANS. WHO COULD IT BE? HE HEARD THE SOUND OF THE DOOR SWINGING OPEN, AND THE VOICES BECAME MORE DISTINCT.
"Don't realize that Constantine's policy was actually tolerance, but even that was extreme for the times, and he had to use violence to keep the two main religions off each other's throats"
"can you bend down for a sec?"
"Not that it always worked, and he wasn't entirely sure what he was doing, either, but he made an effort, and it's fascinating how"
"hey, doc. That's great, but we need to get you through this door."
"Inconveniently for the annals of unbiased history, his biography is actually one of the first hagiographies"
"hey!"
"Reminds me of this manga that Alphys showed me about uncovering the truth about—wait, is it anime or manga that moves? No, it's anime. Whew, good thing she wasn't here to catch me saying that"
"Gaster! Gaster! hey!"
"Sans?"
"go through the door!"
"What door?"
"this door! the one I've been trying to shove you through for the past minute and a half!"
"Oh dear I'm sorry Sans I"
"I will forgive you, IF you go through the door!"
"OK."
DR. GASTER APPEARED IN THEIR LIVING ROOM WITH SNOW CAKED INTO THE FOLDS OF HIS CLOTHES. A STORM WAS PICKING UP OUTSIDE. SANS STUMBLED IN AFTER HIM, PRACTICALLY A SNOWMAN, AND SLAMMED THE DOOR, PANTING.
"What on earth?" THE GREAT PAPYRUS INQUIRED IN A CONVERSATIONAL TONE, AND WAS SURPRISED TO SEE DR. GASTER FLINCH, AS THOUGH SOMEHOW STARTLED.
"Oh, hello, Papyrus."
"he's drunk," SAID SANS, GESTURING AT DR. GASTER.
"Who?" INQUIRED THE DOCTOR.
"I believe he means you," SAID THE GREAT PAPYRUS.
"sleep it off," SAID SANS, STEERING DR. GASTER TOWARDS THE COUCH.
"Does he want soup?" INQUIRED THE GREAT PAPYRUS.
"no, he wants to sleep," SAID SANS, SHOVING DR. GASTER DOWN ONTO THE COUCH, RATHER RUDELY THE GREAT PAPYRUS THOUGHT.
"There's soup?" SAID DR. GASTER.
"sleep," SAID SANS MENACINGLY. DR. GASTER CURLED HIMSELF UP IN A BALL ON THE COUCH. THE GREAT PAPYRUS FELT BAD FOR HIM, AND SPREAD ONE OF SANS'S SPARE BLANKETS OVER HIM. MAYBE IT WASN'T SO BAD AFTER ALL THAT SANS LEFT THINGS LYING AROUND ALL OVER THE HOUSE. THERE WAS ALWAYS SOMETHING HANDY.
THE GREAT PAPYRUS TOOK HIS BROTHER INTO THE KITCHEN AND GAVE HIM HIS SOUP, FIRST GARNISHING IT WITH CRACKERS AND CHEESE. SANS WAS VERY CALM ABOUT HAVING TO EAT UTTERLY BORING CANNED SOUP INSTEAD OF HOMEMADE. THAT WAS ONE GOOD THING ABOUT SANS, HE WAS VERY EASY TO PLEASE.
AFTER THEY'D EATEN, THE GREAT PAPYRUS WENT TO CHECK ON DR. GASTER, WHO WAS STILL AWAKE AND LOOKED SOMEWHAT CONFUSED, AND TOLD HIM HIS SOUPMAKING WOES. DR. GASTER SAT UP.
"That's not right, everyone should know how to make soup. I know how to make soup." THE GREAT PAPYRUS LAMENTED THAT HIS COOKING SKILLS WERE SKILL DEVELOPING.
"Well of course, you have to start somewhere. What do you have? I could help you—"
THE TWO OF THEM ENDED UP IN THE KITCHEN TOGETHER! SANS, WHO'D BEEN NAPPING WITH HIS HEAD ON THE TABLE (HE REALLY COULD SLEEP ANYWHERE,) JERKED HIS HEAD UP AND SCREAMED
"papyrus what are you doing why is he in the kitchen he's drunk!"
DR. GASTER TURNED AROUND WITH A KNIFE AND SMILED AT SANS, WHO LEFT THE KITCHEN RATHER ABRUPTLY. DR. GASTER SEEMED EMBARRASSED.
Sans was done.
At first he took refuge in his room, but it was dark and dreary, and he went into Papyrus's room instead. It was cleaner, better furnished, and if he was being completely honest with himself it smelled better. He curled up on the rug and was half-asleep when he heard Papyrus calling
"SANS? SANS?"
from next door, in his room. He came out and met Papyrus in the hallway.
"Heya. I didn't hear any explosions. Did he pass out finally?"
"SANS WE MADE SOUP!"
"With no explosions. Good job."
"HERE." Papyrus gave him a mug filled with some dark orange liquid. Sans looked suspiciously at it.
"TRY IT SANS! TRY IT!" Well, he was used to sampling Papyrus's creations, this couldn't be much worse. He sipped it.
For a moment he couldn't comprehend what he was tasting. Was it so bad it tasted good at first? He tried it again.
"WELL? IT'S GOOD, ISN'T IT?" Papyrus grinned down at him expectantly. Sans silently drank the rest of the soup. Warmth spread out from his soul, almost forcing tears to his eyes.
"You made this?"
"YES! WELL IT WAS MOSTLY GASTER BUT I HELPED A LOT! WE ONLY BROKE ONE GLASS! I'M NOT SURE WHO KNOCKED IT OVER BUT WE BOTH APOLOGIZED AND THEN WE STARTED LAUGHING AND IT WAS GREAT."
"I uh… cool. Is there more of this?"
"YES! THERE'S A WHOLE BIG POT OF IT!"
Sans started for the stairs.
"What in heck's name did Grillbz give him?"
"I DON'T KNOW BROTHER. BUT HE'S REALLY NICE! SOMETIMES I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT, THOUGH."
"You and me both." Sans reached the kitchen door and paused. Gaster was curled up in his blanket, in a corner, fast asleep. Finally.
"Hey bro, do you think you can move him to the couch? That doesn't look comfortable." He walked over to the pot containing the rest of the soup, hoisted himself onto the counter next to it and greedily inhaled the fragrant steam rising from its surface.
"I BELIEVE I CAN!"
Papyrus attempted to roll Gaster into his arms and had half-lifted him when there was a flash of purple and the two of them bounced in different directions. When Gaster hit the floor he was wide awake.
"What…?"
"Hello again," said Sans, catching his eye with a wave of the ladle. "Thanks for the soup. Would you mind moving yourself to the couch now?"
Gaster looked blankly at him for a moment, then got up and went into the living room.
"You OK, Papyrus?" Papyrus got up.
"PERFECTLY FINE, BROTHER. WHAT ON EARTH WAS THAT?"
"His shield. He has shield magic, remember?"
"OOOH OF COURSE! I MUST HAVE STARTLED HIM."
"Heh." Sans filled himself another mug of soup, glancing up at the clock on the wall.
"Oh, boy. It's not even nine yet."
"AND THAT MEANS?"
Sans fortified himself with another sip of soup.
"We have three whole hours until this day is officially over, and given how the rest of it has been, I don't have a good feeling about how they're going to turn out."
"OH SANS IT WASN'T THAT BAD! THEY CAUGHT THE HUMAN! KING ASGORE WILL KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT! AND WE HAVE SOUP!"
"Yes," said Sans. "That's something. We have soup." And we also have an uncomfortable sense of impending existential dread, but you don't need to worry about that, bro.
A/N: OK, so we know some things about drunk Gaster. He can walk, he can talk, he can control his magic, he can make soup. He just can't remember what year he's in.
Please tell me someone else laughed at the joke about elementals. Seriously, I think that's my favorite part of the story so far…I'm a huge nerd.
Boss monsters, as you may know, do not age or die (unless killed violently) until they have a child, when they pass their magic on to the child, slowly aging and eventually dying as the child grows. Gaster is a sad lonely guy so he's biologically like thirty, though technically ancient.
No the Riverperson does not have a defined gender, Gaster is using the gender-neutral 'he.' Why does everyone forget that this is a thing? English is confusing.
Also, TWENTY CHAPTERS? WHOOO!