Thanks to my beta Torry-Riddle.

Thanks to anyone who took the time to review. Because I am watching Insurgent tonight (my time) I upload this a bit earlier and look forward what you think of the it.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does.

Chapter 19

I don't enter the dorm too late that evening. This whole day was a catastrophe and not even seeing Tobias helps me. The many emotions I have gone through are just too much to take anymore and I just want to fall asleep to end my thoughts for a few hours.

As I go through my rituals to get ready for a good night's sleep I discover that my anger slowly dissipates exhaustion taking its place. As I replay the fight with Christina I flinch. Everything has gone from slightly uncomfortable to a full disaster and I think I lost an opportunity to get a friend that could have helped me to discover myself.

I think if it wasn't for the whole Visiting Day and my confusion about so many things I wouldn't have reacted that way. I don't regret telling her what I think and feel and I still believe my speech was justified. Maybe a bit irreconcilable but just. Maybe my voice held too much anger, too, I think and I was too unyielding to begin with. Maybe she believed Peter so quickly because her perception told her that there is at least a small truth in it – she told me about Eric looking at me and she reacted suspicious to his treatment of me. As it is I don't think there is anything I can do at the moment. I am not a person to hold a grudge if it is something as little as a misunderstanding. I sigh.

I may not hold grudges because I think they are a waste of time but I am not backing down now. Being honest with myself I am not good at apologising as well. So maybe I have to accept that I am really alone now – or not alone, I still have Tobias.

I put crème on my upper left arm and pull Tobias' pullover over my head again, curling into myself, into the fabric that smells of him and my sheets, back turned to the whole room and trying to be as small as possible. Just too much for one day. It doesn't take long before I fall asleep but I awake every few minutes, tossing and turning not really finding relief.

I sigh again and am about to stand up when a sudden swishing sound lets me freeze. And then there is a bloodcurdling scream and a thud. I am highly alerted now and spring up from my bed, trying to find the light switch. When the lamps flicker on above me, I need a moment to get used to it. And then I stare in disbelieve at the scene in front of me. Rooted to the ground in shock. Edward is laying on the floor, hands pressed against his face, a butter knife glinting between his fingers. From the position of the knife I expect it to be planted in his eye and he is already laying in a small pool of his own blood.

My mind sways for a moment in disbelief and I think for a moment it just is too much for me to take in but than my brain shuts down, my mind turns numb. I am on autopilot again, just like I was when I thought Eric was in danger. There is no reluctance in my mind when I approach him, his blood and screams. I take big steps towards him, pressing Myra down onto a bed because she is hysterically standing next to him, tears streaming down her pale face. She looks like she is in at least as much pain as her boyfriend is. I yell for someone to get the stupid doctor already and I need to shove Will a bit before he starts to run.

After that I am uncomfortably calm. I can't feel my face because it is in a neutral, numb expression. I don't have to fake it. I can't lose my head, not when Edward needs someone so desperately. I crouch down on my knees, the warm blood and the cold floor letting me shiver for a moment but I don't really notice it. I take his head into my hands, gentle and careful, laying it down on my knees. He rolls around from one side to the other. I hold him still, pressing my fingers into his cheeks and push his hands away to make sure he doesn't make it worse. As if there is anything about this situation that could be worse.

"Take it out, please. Take it out, it hurts!" His voice changes from whimpers to screams and I hush him softly, running my fingers through his dirty blond hair and over his face feeling the tears, cold sweat and the blood. I try to put my calm onto him, to let him know that someone is there with him in his world that is filled with pain and shock.

"I know it hurts. But we have to wait for the doctor to take it out. Breath, just breath." I don't recognize my own voice. My hands hold his cheeks, fingers gentle at his jaw and I take a good look at the damage. I breathe out in a sigh and shut my eyes for a moment. After that I don't look down again. I just look ahead to the wall with unseeing eyes calming Edward down and feeling numb myself. There is no doubt in my mind that it was Peter. It's supported by the fact that both Peter and Drew are missing. I whisper soothing words I don't even hear, letting my fingers caress his forehead. He is calmer now but still whimpers now and then. I can't even begin to imagine his pain but I don't need to, I think.

I am not sure how much time passes until someone takes him out of my arms. I just know I shushed him, fingers in his hair, and the other hand on his chest to keep him down, feeling his heartbeat and labored breathing. I don't remember a thing after that, my mind numb with the experience.

Later I just find myself in a bathroom in front of a mirror without an idea how I got into it or who took me. I feel calloused hands on mine, warm water running down the joined limbs turning from clear to red. I feel my back pressed against a hard chest, my breath in tune with his. Calm and regular. The heartbeat grounding me, making me feel real again. My mind returns to my body and is nearly crushed under the weight of exhaustion. His heat is keeping me comfortable against the cold in the washroom.

I look up to see myself in the mirror. Dark shadows under my grey-blue eyes, hair dishevelled, pale skin. I don't recognize the girl in there as the girl who joined Dauntless in hope for a better life. It is the one I saw every three months when I was allowed to look into a mirror in Abnegation. Maybe physical and mental pain aren't so different after all – at least their effects seem to be the same. I can't stand the things I see there. The broken mind in my dull eyes, the furrowed brows and no fire anywhere. I avert my eyes, close them violently and I am angry because I am a coward to not be able to face myself.

I smell him beneath the other scents in the bathroom. I try to absorb as much of him as possible hoping it will calm me down. Having him behind me helps a lot already, his strong hands on my skin, his arms circled around me, protecting me from the outside world. Or maybe I am just too exhausted emotionally to really feel anything other than his heat and my tiredness. I try to concentrate on him and nothing else and deep gratitude fills me. I really like him close to me. I sigh softly.

My eyes open again, searching the image of the man behind me who concentrates on cleaning my hands and forearms. He seems to be lost in the task, his brow furrowed, too. He looks as distant and as strong as ever and I envy him for always being so unaffected. I wish I could be like him in that matter. I sigh again and our eyes meet for a split second as he glances up. My head is still against his collarbone and a sense of rightness invades every cell in my body. I don't care that it is inappropriate on so many levels I can't even start to phantom, not now, not in the near future. And it doesn't matter that I haven't figured him out or my feelings and thoughts about him. I just feel so safe there, leaning against him, absorbing his warmth, letting him take care of me because I shut down. It's as if instead of Eric Tobias stands there. At the same time it's a completely different sort of safety. A safety that is more complex and surprisingly holds more meaning – at least for me.

"Thank you." I simply whisper, my lips still numb from being pressed together for a long amount of time I suppose. He turns off the water and takes a green towel from his left side to start drying my pale skin. He is gentle, treating me like I am some intricate glass figure. I don't mind in this moment, though. I feel like breaking.

"You weren't reacting to anyone and the doctor said to take you out of the dorm and get you cleaned up. He said you have a shock." He talks barely above a whisper, the sound a bit raspy. I guess he was woken in the middle of the night because he is one of our instructors and something so dreadful happened. He speaks as if he is talking to an animal and isn't sure what to expect: an attack or a break-down or both one after the other. I start to speak without really realising it.

"Edward was attacked in the middle of the night, just like that. I didn't sleep well because I have so much on my mind and just as I decided to go for a walk to clear my mind and shut out the thoughts and hypothesis and just everything. Suddenly I hear that sound and then there is screaming. I switch on the light and see Edward. Someone drove a butter knife into his eye. I was afraid he would do more damage so I thought that someone needed to calm him down, anyone really." It seems I have to verbally express all the details to get it out of my mind and stop it from replaying itself in front of my eyes. I know I am rambling because there aren't enough words to explain it to myself or anyone really. There aren't enough words to forget, too. I will never forget. And I am grateful that he lets me just talk.

"But Myra, his girlfriend was hysteric and the others just stood there watching, one even vomited though I am not sure about that. I just know I smelled something sour and foul. I took over or something inside of me took over." I swallow, my throat dry, my lips still numb, stumbling over the thoughts I want to put into words.

"I put his head in my lap, running my hand through his hair. His hair is so soft and I remembered that I always felt calmer when Tobias did it for me after a rough night. I thought it would calm Edward down as well. Nice Edward that wasn't really my friend but an ally and who stood up for me while we played Capture the Flag. Edward that was concerned about me on our day in Abnegation without even knowing me." My eyes burn but no tear slips from them. I think there aren't any tears left in me and it would be inappropriate to cry because Edward was the one in pain, with his eyeball pierced with a butter knife. I feel bile rise in my throat, but I need to keep talking. So I talk and he stays silent as if he knows I need to get it off my chest.

"I tried to tell him everything will be alright, though I know it won't be. Silly phrases, words without truth. I lied through my teeth. Nothing will be alright again and I couldn't do anything to make it better except tell him to stay calm. How can him ..." I am interrupted as Eric turns me around and pulls me into his chest, one hand at my back the other pressing my head to his body. His hand is so big he nearly covers my back from one side to the other and it just feels good and right that he holds me like this, that he is taller than me, stronger even. I shake and I don't think I can stop. He doesn't say a word and I am grateful because there is nothing to say except empty words that won't help anyone. We stay silent, the quiet around us only broken by the sound of the old heating pipes and my clattering teeth.

"He was brought to the hospital. The doctor said he doesn't have any hope for the eye but is sure he will make it." I nod, my face against the soft fabric of his t-shirt. He doesn't have to tell me these things but he does and I see his reasoning. He wants to give me a closure as well. But I think I will only have a closure when the attacker is punished. I don't believe in an eye for an eye but this time I would make an exception because it was just so malicious to attack someone that sleeps and couldn't protect himself.

"Edward will leave Dauntless and Myra with him." I say, my voice muffled against him, his scent overpowering the disinfection and soap-smell that lingers around us. Smelling him helps. I feel my muscles relax a bit, though I am still shaking, small shivers running down my skin and I think I would be freezing from exhaustion, memories and the bathroom without him against me. Without him folding me into him. I find it a little concerning that I need him but the thought is fleeting and I forget about it just a second after. I like the security he gives me and I like him close to me.

"The decision is really up to him. But I think you are right. He will leave." My arms are around his waist and I realise that someone took Tobias' pullover away, leaving me in my tank top. I sigh because it was the only thing I have that smelled like him and kept me safe even though he isn't close by and I just got it yesterday. I know it is ridiculous, being sad about a pullover. I feel it. But I think I want to deter my attention from the events.

"Where is my pullover? Four just gave me that pullover. I need it back." I feel Eric stiffen for a moment but ignore it. My hands are laying comfortable against his warm back feeling the hard muscles and strength beneath the shirt, drawing energy from him.

"I threw it away. It was soaked in blood." I am disappointed but nod anyway because I think it was the right decision. It wouldn't smell like Tobias anymore. He puts his hands on my shoulders and pushes me back. His eyes are gentle and I lose myself in their grey for a moment. If only I could see what goes through his mind.

"I asked Jules to take you in for the night. She will be here any moment. I am sure you can use her shower and she has a spare pair of pants for you." I look down and see the still wet patches of blood on my knees and shins. I avert my gaze and nod again. My arms hang limply at my side. They feel empty and unimportant without the previous occupation – holding Eric against me.

"Can you hold me just a moment longer please?" I don't know where I took the strength from to be this bold but it really doesn't matter because I know it will help me and I already miss his closeness. I observe his face with tired eyes. He frowns for a few seconds, seems to contemplate something. He sighs and looks vulnerable for just a split second. I look into his eyes and see a flash of affection that makes something inside of me flutter. He softly brushes a strand of my blond hair behind my ear, cups my cheek afterwards, his thumb softly caressing the skin under my eye. I let them close and lean into his touch.

His hand glides from my cheek to my shoulder and pulls me gently towards him. I fall into him, my arms again snaking around his waist, squeezing him to me for a moment. One of his hands strokes my neck, the other is on my hip. I feel him lean down and think I feel lips in my hair. I press my lips on his chest, just above his heart.

"Thank you, Eric. For everything." He doesn't answer and we stay like this, lost in the moment and ourselves.

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