A/N: Okay, here's what you've all been waiting for. Read. We'll talk at the end.
Thanks to my Betas, Danna0724 and ADGroovy. These two chapters were as hard edit as they were to write.
All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.
Chapter 21 – Taking Chances
I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you. And I need you like a heart needs a beat, but that's nothing new. I loved you with a fire red –now it's turning blue, and you say "sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you, but I'm afraid it's too late to apologize, it's too late. I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late. –Apologize, One Republic
Doubt thou the stars are fire;
Doubt that the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt I love. -Hamlet, Shakespeare
Bella's POV
I felt strangely at ease as I drove down the wooded road leading to the Cullen house on Friday afternoon. It had been a long two days, and I hadn't gotten much rest, between studying for my finals, keeping up with the house and Charlie, keeping up with Jake. I still felt guilty for how I'd acted last weekend and how little time I'd been spending with Jake lately, so I'd made it a point to at least speak to him on a regular basis for the past couple of days, even though I hadn't had a chance to see him since Wednesday afternoon. I could tell he wasn't too happy about me coming to the Cullens today instead of going to see him. But we'd talked about me cutting out of the store early tomorrow and going to a movie in Port Angeles with him, and that seemed to have appeased him.
In truth, I hadn't seen much of anyone since Wednesday night. Other than going to classes, I'd been pretty much holed up in my room studying for today's finals for the past 36 hours. Alice had called me a couple of times, and I'd seen Gabby in school, but that had been the extent of my socialization. But I felt relieved now. Two of my hardest classes were now forever behind me, freeing up my schedule a bit, the store was moving along nicely, and I was on my way to see the Cullens, to see…Edward.
For many reasons, I shouldn't have been looking forward to seeing Edward so much. For one thing, I knew my impending talk with him today had the potential to set my sanity back a few years. But one way or the other, I was getting answers today. One way or the other, Edward and I were going to clear things up. And as long as he was willing to at least be my friend, I could live with it. As long as he didn't want to take his friendship away from me too, I would survive, as I had for the past few years. The idea of he and I not being at least friends was agonizing.
So I was hopeful -as I navigated my way down the winding green roads- that today would somehow bring some kind of peace back into my life. As I neared the turn that would lead me to the Cullen's property, I quickly glanced down at myself, taking one hand off the wheel to smooth down the navy blue baby doll blouse and pat away any dust on the cream slacks that Alice had left out for me on my bed this afternoon (I reminded myself to talk to her about this new habit; I wasn't sure if it was something I could deal with beyond just this summer). I put my hand up to my hair to pat down the matching blue rhinestone headband and stole a quick glance in the rearview mirror. My cheeks were warm and red, and I realized I was actually more concerned than usual today about my appearance. Was it because Alice had warned me they'd be having company, or was it because of the bronze-haired angel that was waiting for me? I was sure I knew the answer to that one, but I refused to acknowledge it to myself, forcing my mind to wander somewhere else quickly.
And I knew that he was waiting for me. He'd sent me another quick text message while I'd stopped at my house to change this afternoon, after returning from Port Angeles.
ARE YOU ON YOUR WAY YET?
I hadn't been able to suppress the large smile that had taken over my face when I'd pulled the cell phone out of my bag and seen his message. I'd typed back quickly.
BE ON MY WAY SOON. DEBATING WHETHER TO WEAR ALICE'S PICKS FOR THE DAY OR BRAVE HER WRATH.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF HER IF YOU'D LIKE. DON'T DEBATE FOR TOO LONG, YOU'LL LOOK LOVELY EITHER WAY. I'LL BE WAITING.
A chill had run up my spine as I'd read that last message, and for some reason, Gabby's words from the other night came back to me then:
'And why would he want to do that, if he wasn't in love with you?'
Why would he be waiting for me?
My mind jumped on me quickly. 'Because he wants to get this talk over with dummy! That's it and nothing more!' "Yeah, you're right. You're right," I reminded myself out loud in an apologetic tone. 'Don't read into things Bella' I chided myself. 'Remember what's real and what's not.'
It was in this mindset then, that I climbed out of my car on this still unusually warm Friday afternoon. Hopeful for some sort of peace, but aware of what my reality was. Friendship hopefully, but nothing more. My heart ached for a second as it processed the words, but my mind reminded it that this was the best we could ever hope for, all we could ever expect.
As I approached the doorway, I noticed the silver Jaguar sitting on the driveway. 'This must be the Denali clan's car' I thought to myself. I wondered when they'd finally arrived, as Alice hadn't mentioned them again since Wednesday morning. For some reason, even though I'd never met the three sisters and even though I knew I had nothing to fear from them –they were all vegetarians like the Cullens – I suddenly felt nervous about meeting them. Before I could think about it any further, the front door opened and out stepped Esme, as beautiful and gentle looking as ever.
"Bella sweetheart, I'm so glad you finally made it. We've been missing you." She pulled me into a strong embrace, which I returned eagerly. She pulled away to look at me and smiled, but for some reason, I thought I detected a nervous edge in her eyes, and she sighed quietly before taking my hand and leading me inside.
"Bella's here," she announced in a low voice as we walked in – there was no need to raise her voice. It was an announcement, but for some reason, it also sounded somewhat like a warning.
Alice suddenly appeared before me, looking happy to see me, yet annoyed for some reason. "Bella," she smiled pleasantly, hooking her arm through mine. "You look beautiful!" she announced with more enthusiasm than I thought the occasion merited. After all, I was only wearing slacks and a shirt, not an evening gown.
"Thanks," I murmured with some confusion.
"Bella, let's go out to the back yard." Esme spoke quickly, glancing up the stairs for a fraction of a second before turning her golden eyes back to me. She took my other arm, the one Alice wasn't hanging on and continued. "We're sort of having an impromptu barbecue. We've got some company as Alice has explained to you, and we figured we'd turn it into a little party."
"A barbecue?" I questioned with a chuckle, "What's on the grill? Hot dogs, burgers, and, oh yeah, lions and tigers and bears oh my?!" Neither woman laughed, offering me only tight smiles. Well I'd thought it was funny. I stood still, waiting for them to explain the whole barbecue thing to me.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw movement from the top of the staircase, and I instinctively looked up, only to see Edward come to stand by the banister. He looked beautiful, his bronze hair tousled carelessly, his golden eyes gleaming down at me expectantly, and his glorious crooked smile gracing his ruby red lips. I smiled up at him impulsively, without conscious thought, unable to repress the jump in my heart-rate whenever he looked at me like that. I was aware that I probably looked like such a fool, gazing at him so shamelessly, that I probably wore my heart on my sleeve, but there was just nothing I could do about it.
"Edward" I mouthed, and then my smile faltered momentarily, because as I stared up at him, I saw another figure approach behind him, and a pale delicate hand rise and land softly on his shoulder.
Curiously, I thought I heard a very un-ladylike word escape from Alice's lips, but I couldn't even focus on that, because one of the most gorgeous creatures I'd ever laid eyes on was standing gracefully next to Edward. Her hand rested gently on him, as they both continued to look down at me. My eyes scanned her unwillingly. She was tall, probably 6 feet, and exquisite. Her strawberry blonde curls reached her waist, and her lips were full and pouty. She had the figure of a runway model, lean and feline. She was absolutely stunning.
She suddenly tilted her head to the side, giving me a curious look and quickly moved her eyes to Edward. Edward looked at her out of the corner of his eyes, his mouth now set in a straight line. I thought I saw him give one quick nod, but I couldn't be sure.
"Edward, Bella's here," Esme announced again, as if that fact weren't plainly obvious by now. In an instant, Edward was beside me.
"Bella, I'm so glad you're here." His voice sounded sincere, his eyes looked anxious, but I could barely concentrate on any of it. The strawberry blonde had appeared at Edward's side once again, her hand once again on his shoulder. I suddenly found myself fighting an urge to bite it off.
"So you're Bella!" she announced in a voice almost as melodic as Alice's. I detected a slight accent, but I couldn't quite place it.
"Um, yes, " was all I could manage. She looked at me as if she were expecting more. 'So much for four years of college,' I thought.
She looked to Edward as if waiting for him to say something. He kept his eyes on me but said nothing. She then looked to Esme and Alice. Esme's eyes were fixed beyond the living room and Alice rolled her eyes dramatically and turned her face to the wall.
"I am Tanya" she introduced herself. "A very old and close friend of the Cullens." She looked intently at Edward as she said that.
"Nice to meet you," I managed to squeak out. My voice sounded small and plain compared to hers.
Esme jumped in now. "Bella, Tanya and her sisters are very old relations of ours. Cousins, you can say." She stressed the word cousins. Tanya laughed pleasantly at Esme's description. Her laughter would have put the sweetest nightingale to shame.
"I have heard a lot about you Bella." Her tone was friendly, yet I thought I detected something else in there.
"Oh." I didn't know what I was expected to say to that.
Tanya laughed her nightingale laugh again. "Not much of a talker is she?" She looked at Edward intently, giving his shoulder a squeeze. My eyes went to her hand for a moment before I forcefully made myself look away. Edward's sigh brought my eyes back to his.
"She does have a gift for keeping us guessing what's on her mind," he stated. I still couldn't speak. I just stared back at him, hoping he couldn't read the confusion in my eyes.
"Bella, why don't we go outside?" His voice was velvety smooth. He put his hand on my shoulder now to guide me, and Strawberry Blonde's hand fell quickly to her side. I walked with him slowly, trying to process what was going on, and concentrating on not tripping along the way. I didn't want to hear Strawberry Blonde's chiming laughter at my expense.
We reached the clearing in the back, and I saw the rest of the Cullens were already assembled out here, along with two other beautiful women, although neither held a candle to Tanya. They were all seated at a large patio table, talking happily and enjoying the unusually warm Forks weather, as well as the temporary stay of rain. True to Esme's statement, there was a grill on to the side, Emmett manning it. He wore a huge white chef's hat, and an apron that said "Kiss the Cook", with a not-so-nice picture of a derriere on it. He waved to me enthusiastically when he saw me, and I was relieved to see that there were only burgers and hot dogs on the grill.
"Just for you Busy Izzy," he called out, giving me a wink.
Edward began the introductions. "Bella, this is Kate" –a tall pale woman with straight caramel hair smiled up at me pleasantly, I smiled back "and Irina" – also tall and beautiful, with light blonde hair.
"It's great to finally meet you," Kate said.
"Yes, we've heard so much about you," Irina added, with a smile in Edward's direction.
"It's nice to meet both of you too." I tried pleasantly. These two appeared to be more genuine than Strawberry Blonde.
Carlisle stood up to give me a warm hug, and Jasper called out from the end of the table, "Hey Jelly Belly." I laughed nervously, self-conscious of how plain it sounded, and stuck my tongue out at him.
"Hey Bella, it's about time you got here!" Rosalie admonished me from the other end. "Edward's been going stir crazy for over an hour now. I was getting ready to give him a swift kick in the ass to calm him down already."
I looked over at her and frowned, confused by her statement, but she just winked at me and sneered at Edward. I could see Tanya watching her out of the corner of my eye and Rosalie looked at her defiantly. I could immediately tell there was no love lost between the two women. I guessed Rosalie's statement could have been as much to irk Strawberry Blonde as to irk Edward.
"Sit down and tell us about yourself," Kate encouraged, motioning to a chair beside her. Edward led me to the chair and pulled it out for me, pulling out another one to sit next to me. Tanya followed us and pulled up another chair at Edward's other side.
"The Cullens here tell us you're graduating college next week. That must be really exciting. They didn't have universities when I was human, so I never got to experience that." Kate continued with a slight tinge of melancholy.
"Yes, but we have experienced so much more!" Irina added in a conspiratorial tone, and all three women laughed slyly. I begrudgingly admitted it sounded like the choirs of heaven singing.
"What my sisters mean Bella, is that we like to f-" Tanya began, as if she were about to let me in on a little family secret.
Edward cut in. "Bella doesn't need to know exactly what that meant Tanya." His voice was even but direct.
Tanya chuckled and put her hand back on Edward's shoulder. I wondered if a hacksaw would be able to do the job my teeth definitely wouldn't be up for. "Oh Edward," she chimed in a smooth voice, "always such a gentleman."
"Um…" I began awkwardly, my eyes still on Strawberry's hand on Edward's shoulder. I shook my head quickly and looked away, focusing on Kate, the one with the friendliest face. "I actually had a couple of my finals today. I'll be done with all my classes by early next week, and then I can focus more on the bookstore," I finished meekly.
"Yes. Edward was telling us you're opening up a bookstore." Kate answered kindly. "He says it is really something."
"Well, he and the rest of the family" –I moved my eyes to the rest of the Cullens at the table- "have really done all the work."
"That's not true," Edward disagreed quickly, looking at me with a crooked smile on his face. Tanya watched him intently. "You're the one who put in the real work for that."
"Edward's right," Carlisle agreed before I could say anything. "The others here may have put in some of the physical work, but it's your courage and determination that will bring that store to fruition."
Tanya interrupted the tender moment. "Well, what other interests do you have Bella? Any plans on traveling after graduation?"
"Uh, no. Not really. I guess I'll be too busy with the store and with-" I was about to say Jake, but I stopped myself. I looked over at Edward quickly, and he had his eyes narrowed at me. I wondered if he'd guessed what I was about to say. "I'd like to travel someday, but I guess it'll have to wait for now."
"Well, you shouldn't wait too long," Tanya continued. "Take it from all of us, there is so much to see and do out there, specially while you're still young," she added.
"Yes. Yes there is," Irina agreed quickly.
"I mean, even our little Edward here," Strawberry suggested with another squeeze of the shoulder. –Hmm…I wondered. A chainsaw maybe?- "He's very well traveled, aren't you?" She smiled at him sweetly, batting her long beautiful eyelashes. Edward shrugged his shoulders without looking at her. "Don't be so modest darling," she continued with that slightly mysterious accent of hers. - Darling?! - "I mean, weren't you in Rio just a few years ago?"
Edward's eyes widened and quickly shot to me. I was sure the shock was clearly written all over my face. I felt the familiar red burn on my cheeks.
"Well, weren't you Edward?" Tanya insisted. Edward looked away from me and nodded his head quickly.
"When was that? March of 2006 right? Carnival time!" she finished excitedly.
"Ooh, I love Carnival!" Irina agreed.
"And of course, he's been up to Denali dozens of times. It's absolutely beautiful up there!" Tanya went on. Edward lowered his head without saying anything. "Plenty to entertain yourself with up there, isn't there Edward darling?"
"We certainly keep ourselves entertained, don't we?" Irina laughed.
"Girls, stop." Kate admonished. "You're making poor Bella blush. She's obviously a smart girl and gets your silly innuendos."
"Well, I didn't mean Edward-" Tanya began.
"I don't like the cold" I said suddenly. I didn't know why, they were just the first words to pop out of my mouth. I felt like my mouth and my mind were suddenly disconnected. My mind was working at figuring something else out at the moment.
March 2006. March 2006.
The date kept circling around in my head. Why? What was so important about that time period? Edward had apparently been off distracting himself completely at Carnival. A party full of fun and laughter, half-naked women. All sorts of entertainment. What did that have to do with me?
March 2006
What had I been doing during that time?
March 2006
Hunted by Victoria.
March 2006
Edward had been off at Carnival while I was here being hunted by Victoria.
I felt the tears prickling my eyes. I bit the inside of my lip to try to keep them at bay.
I glanced up at Alice and she was staring at me worriedly. Rose, sitting next to her, was glaring at Tanya like she was ready to tear her head off.
"Bella," Edward began, but I heard my name called from somewhere else at that same moment.
"Bella!" Emmett hollered. I looked over at him and he was signaling for me. I took a deep breath before speaking. "Excuse me everyone, Emmett's calling me," I stated, getting up without looking at anyone directly. As I walked away I could hear Strawberry's voice behind me, still droning on and on.
Emmett held a plate out to me when I reached him. He'd placed a huge burger and hot dog on it, with all the fixings.
"I'm not hungry Emmett." My voice sounded so pitiful.
"Bella. Eat." he insisted.
"I can't," I pleaded. I knew if I ate anything right now, I'd end up puking it all up in front of everyone. I didn't want to look like a bigger fool than I probably already did.
Emmett looked at me sadly, putting the plate down beside the grill. "Bella, there's an explanation for everything."
I shook my head. "I don't…" but I couldn't finish my sentence. Because I didn't know how to finish it, and because I knew that no matter how low I spoke, everyone in the immediate two-mile radius would hear every word I said.
"Just…let him explain okay?" Emmett asked. I looked at him but said nothing. What was I supposed to let Edward explain? Why he left in the first place? Why there was a blonde hanging on him that apparently knew so much more about what he'd been doing for the past few years than I did? Why said blonde appeared to have some sort of claim to him? Why he'd never mentioned her in the time he'd been back? Why he'd found it necessary to travel the world? None of it was my business anyway. As much as I wanted to know all this, he didn't owe me an explanation, and I didn't want him to think he did. And as much as it was killing me to see him with Tanya, I had no right to ask anything. He owed me no explanations. As much as it tore at me to know that while I'd been hunted by a crazy sadistic vampire he was off partying half-way around the world, I had to remind myself that he didn't know what was happening, and that again, his life was none of my business.
"He doesn't…need to. It's none of my business." I knew Edward would hear, and I wanted him to know that I wasn't expecting any explanations from him. As a matter of fact, my short time here tonight had already served to answer so many of the questions I'd arrived with. I wasn't even sure if our talk was necessary anymore. At any rate, it didn't look like Strawberry Blonde would be giving him up long enough tonight for he and I to have that talk anyway.
I put both of my hands up to either side of my head, rubbing my temples hard. I could feel a bad migraine coming on. I closed my eyes, trying to decide what to do next, how to get myself out of this without looking like a bigger idiot.
The velvet voice behind me took me by surprise, and I jumped.
"Bella"
I turned around. Edward was standing in front of me. He'd apparently extricated himself somehow from Strawberry. I wondered if he'd had to use the jaws of life. His face was agonized, his eyes pleading and worried.
"Are you okay?" The concern in his voice left a fissure in my heart, because he had no right to sound so concerned with Strawberry sitting just a few feet away, watching us even now as we spoke.
I saw my chance to escape this humiliating situation.
"No. I've got a really bad headache actually. It started on my way over here." I didn't want him to think it was caused by having to watch him with Strawberry, or by the little bits of information I'd just found out. "I think I'd better leave." I turned to say bye to Emmett, but he just looked at me and shook his head. What did he want from me? Was he looking forward to watching me make a fool of myself? I didn't think even Emmett's sense of humor was that sick. I started to walk away but Edward followed me.
"You promised me we'd talk today" he reminded me as he walked behind me.
"Not today Edward," I answered. I walked quickly, anxious to get back to the safety of my car and away from here, and although I couldn't hear Edward behind me, I could feel him. Why couldn't he just let me go, I wondered miserably? Why did he insist on making this even more painful and embarrassing for me?
I kept walking without looking back. "Please say goodbye to the rest of your family for me, and to your…other relations." I was taking the long way back to my car, avoiding having to walk back towards the patio table. A load roar of thunder announced the return of the rain, the clouds quickly darkening the Forks sky. Twilight reached the Cullen property at the same moment that I reached my car.
"Bella, you promised" Edward whispered as I opened my door. "I've been waiting to talk to you. I need to talk to you," he pleaded.
I turned around to face him and the look of desperation on his face pierced right through me. It was too much, and I wasn't strong enough for this.
I struggled to keep my voice even. "I wanted to talk to you too Edward, but I don't think we need to do that anymore."
He frowned and his eyes grew darker. "Why not?"
I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples again. My head felt like it was about to explode. I answered him with my eyes still closed. "Because you've already answered all my questions." I opened my eyes and looked into his confused ones. "We don't need to do this anymore." I turned back to my car just as the first few drops of cold rain landed on my slumped shoulders.
"I still need to do this Bella. I still have things I need to say to you."
I wheeled around on him. I couldn't bear this anymore. This confusion, this cryptic talk, these hidden meanings. It was more than I could bear.
"What do you have to say to me Edward? What? Are you going to finally tell me why you left four years ago? I know already. Because I wasn't good enough. And now I know why I wasn't good enough. And I know what your distractions were. And between Rio and Denali, I've got a pretty clear picture of what you've been doing for the past few years." The tears were right on the edge of my eyes now.
He looked at me like I'd lost my mind, and truthfully, I felt like maybe I finally had.
"What are you talking about?" he asked in a bewildered tone, as if he truly couldn't understand what I was saying.
I looked up at the now blackened sky, the heavy raindrops that were beginning to lick at my face helped to disguise the rogue tears that had managed to break free. I looked back at Edward. "How could I ever compare Edward? How could I ever compare to that?" I motioned towards the back yard. "Of course I couldn't measure up." There was no recrimination in my voice, only acknowledgement of an obvious fact.
"Bella-" he began, but I cut him off.
"I understand Edward. I really do. I knew. I always knew I wasn't good enough for you. And I see why you needed your distractions-" It was his turn to cut me off now.
"Bella, I don't know what you're thinking, but I swear to you, there is no one in there you need to compare yourself to. There is no one anywhere you ever need to compare yourself to! Please let me explain." His voice pleaded for me to listen, but I wasn't ready to stop.
"You don't need to explain anything to me Edward. It's none of my business. None of it is any of my business!"
"Everything about me is your business Bella! I need to explain everything to you!"
"No!" I shouted forcefully, putting my head down so he couldn't see the tears rolling down my cheeks. He gently put a thumb under my chin and brought my face back up to meet his.
"Why not?" He looked so lost, so despondent standing there. His shirt was soaked through now from the heavy rain. His hair looked black, and it stuck to his forehead in places. The drops that had fallen on his face gave him the illusion of tears rolling down his golden eyes. Yet with all of that, his beauty was undeniable.
"Because I don't blame you for leaving Edward. How could I? When you could have someone like that, when you could travel the world, when you could party it up in Rio and anywhere else? Why would you have stayed here with me? Why would you have traded all that for a small town and a plain human girl? I wasn't blind. I saw the difference between you and me, and I knew you loving me never made sense. So I understand why it had to end." My tears flowed down my face uncontrollably now, unable to be hidden by the rain anymore.
Edward raised his arms in an effort to wrap them around me, but I pushed him away, and thankfully, he let me. Because I knew that once I felt his arms around me, it would completely break me when he eventually let go, as I knew he would.
"Bella, please just stop and listen to me," he insisted. He was breathing hard now. The rain fell on his lips and he used the back of his hand to wipe it away. "It wasn't like that. I didn't want or need any of that! I-"
But I wasn't listening. I'd been holding all this in for too long. Since the day he came back. Since the day he left in the first place.
"But it still hurt Edward!" I clutched at my chest, unable to hide my pain from him anymore. My words were a garbled mess as I tried to speak through my tears. My soaked hair clung coldly to my face and I swiped it away roughly. "Even though I understood, it still hurt. It hurt so much I wanted to tear my heart out!" I pulled viciously on my soaked blouse, where my heart once was. "And I tried Edward! I swear I tried to move on."
"Bella, the things I said-"
"But I wasn't ready!" I yelled as the thunder roared above us. That was what all this boiled down to. Even though Edward had been ready to move on, even though he'd grown tired of me and had been ready for bigger and better distractions, I hadn't been ready. I'd never be ready, and the pain of that unwanted separation would always haunt me, I realized that now. Alice and Gabby were wrong; there would be no closure, no release. Not for me anyway. But if clearing the air somehow helped Edward, then I'd suffer it gladly.
"I wasn't ready to let go Edward! It wasn't over for me! I didn't want or need a clean break! I didn't want or need to be human! I loved you! I needed you!" I was falling apart, but I couldn't stop. "I still…" My sobs overtook me, and I couldn't go on; it was too hard. I looked away from him, sobbing uncontrollably.
Edward grabbed my shoulders desperately. "Bella look at me!" he begged. "Please, please look at me." I forced myself to look at him, knowing the rejection I would find in his eyes, knowing there would be nothing but pity and guilt there, and knowing that look would be the final nail in my coffin.
Lightning illuminated the onyx sky for a split second, helping me see Edward's eyes clearly, like a flashlight shining directly into his angelic face.
The look in his eyes took my breath away, and I gasped in shock. His eyes were tormented, yes. But there was no pity there. His eyes were full of…longing.
"You still what Bella?" he asked wildly, as if our very lives hung on the balance. His hands moved to either side of my face, cradling it gently yet intently as he pulled it closer to his. "You still what?" His voice broke. His eyes were wild and frenzied now, black as coal. His body shook in anticipation.
But he couldn't have anticipated what happened then. Because then I recognized something that had been in his eyes since the day he'd first come back to Forks. Something that had been so hard for me to read then, and I'd been too scared to try. But now I saw that…he was looking at me the same way he used to look at me before…before the day in the woods. When he'd still loved me. When he'd still wanted me…
Without stopping to examine what exactly that meant, I threw my arms around him at the same moment that he pulled my face to his, and our lips crashed together frantically.
The entire universe melted away.
The shot of adrenaline that soared through my body in that instant momentarily shocked me. But in that instant, all doubt, all confusion, all pain left my body, until all that existed was Edward.
Edward and me.
Here.
In each other's arms again.
Finally.
My lips remembered his perfectly, with a recall that completely belied how long it had been since our lips met each other, since our bodies had been this close, in this way. They molded and wrapped themselves around his perfect marble ones, and he responded to me hungrily, drinking me in like a dying man being given water after an ageless drought.
"Bella" he murmured roughly into my mouth, and I pulled him closer to me. His hands went to the nape of my neck, and he wound one hand around my hair. My hands reached up into his hair and I tugged on it almost frantically, afraid of the moment when he'd pull away from me, as he always did when he realized the passion that consumed me.
It didn't take me long to realize Edward wasn't pulling away, he was pulling me in impossibly closer, until I no longer knew where my body ended and his began.
My wild and crazed pulling and tugging elicited a deep, feral moan from Edward's lips, which only served to increase our frenzy. My lips continued to pull on his, as he was doing to me, but I was momentarily shocked to feel his sweet, cool tongue graze my bottom lip.
That was all it took to embolden me.
My tongue shot out unthinking, and I was once again shocked when it was finally, mercifully allowed entrance into his intoxicatingly sweet mouth, and I tasted what I'd never been allowed to taste before.
And Dear God, it was the most deliciously mind-blowing taste I'd ever experienced in my life.
It was honey and sugar and velvet and nectar and soft clouds and singing birds all wrapped into one heavenly flavor. It was like nothing that existed here on Earth. I heard another deeper, more savage moan, but by now I was too far gone to even care when I realized it had come from me this time.
'This is miles beyond warmth' my body told me. 'This is fire. This is explosions. This is a scorching blaze ignited throughout every crevice in my body. This is dynamite. This is heaven and hell and everything in between and everything that's ever been and everything that ever will be. This is me and Edward, and this is all I'll ever want, all I'll ever need'.
This kiss was so different from the tender, chaste kisses of our past I remembered. This kiss was all need, all passion. This was the kiss I'd never allowed myself to dream of with Edward. It was as if with this kiss we were both bringing each other back to life, resuscitating each other after the brink of death.
And somewhere deep inside of me, deep in a place where I wouldn't let myself go yet, I knew all this desperation on both sides, not just me, meant something. I knew this fire I hadn't felt in so long, this burning I'd never felt, meant so much more than I could focus on right now. But this minute, this moment, I would only think of me and Edward here, and the feel of our lips and bodies entwined together. I wouldn't let myself think of anything or anyone else. I was lost. Lost in Edward, and I didn't care if I ever found my way out.
But being a mere human, I eventually had to loosen my hold on his lips and come up for air. When I did, Edward's lips traveled momentarily to the sides of my face, trailing open mouthed, heated kisses to my neck as I held on tightly to his neck, fighting to keep myself from passing out. His arms traveled down my sides, down to my waist, and he squeezed me gently. His lips found my ear and softly yet firmly sucked on my lobe.
"Oh God Bella," he whispered hoarsely into my ear. The passion in his voice fueled my own fervor, and I quickly grabbed his face and led his lips back to mine, greedy for more. Our lips picked back up at the same place, never losing rhythm. My hands went back around his neck, tugging at the hair at the nape. My tongue darted back out and he once again allowed me entrance, his own tongue met mine half-way. I moaned uncontrollably again, and I heard him do the same.
"Bella, I can't believe…" he trailed off, too consumed in our kiss to finish his sentence.
"Edward," I whispered, coming up for a necessary breath of air again. The thrill of his name on my lips sent a pleasant shiver down my spine, and I felt Edward's body shudder next to me. "Edward," I repeated. It was all I could say for now. There was so much more I wanted to say, but for now, talk would have to wait.
But then I heard words coming from Edward's lips, as he once again let me up for air, trailing his mouth down to my neck and back up to my ear. His voice was a choked whisper.
"Oh God I love you Bella! How I love you! I've always loved you and I will always love you, until the end of existence and beyond!"
I froze.
My hands instantly stopped their ministrations on Edward's hair. My eyes popped open in shock. It took him less than half a second to note the change in me, and he quickly brought his face back up to meet mine. His golden eyes were dark with passion, with desire, and no where on his angelic face could I see a denial to the words he'd just spoken with such intensity in my ear.
"What?" I asked in confusion, my breathing coming in long and hard pants. I was positive that in the heat of the moment I'd heard wrong, or misunderstood.
His hands cradled my face again as he stared at me intently. "I love you Bella. I've always loved you and I will always love you!" His lips came back down to mine. But this time, I didn't respond. He immediately brought his head back up, gazing at me questioningly.
My eyebrows narrowed in confusion, unable to process the words he'd just spoken. 'He loves me' my heart and my mind told me. It was a statement I couldn't deny. The way he was looking at me, the way I realized he'd been looking at me since he'd returned confirmed that statement.
But what else had he just said?
And what did it mean that he'd been looking at me that way since he returned?
He'd always loved me?
"What do you mean…?" I began slowly, trying to understand at the same time that I asked the question. "What do you mean you've…always…loved me?"
Edward's face immediately took on a pained expression, guilt coloring his features. His words came out in an intense, rushed whisper.
"What I said to you that day in the woods Bella, that was all a lie. The worst kind of lie imaginable. I never stopped loving you. You have been my life since the day you first walked into that Biology class. How could you ever have believed that you weren't good enough for me? How could you have ever believed I didn't want you?" His tone was incredulous, as if he really couldn't fathom how I could have ever entertained these ridiculous notions.
I furrowed my forehead in confusion. I was hearing the words he was saying, but my mind was working extremely slowly at processing their meaning. I brought a hand up to my mouth, touching my lips with two fingers. They felt hot and swollen, as if I'd been holding a piece of ice to them for several minutes. I looked up at the pitch black sky. The rain continued to fall, the lightning still lighting up the sky at regular intervals, but the thunder had moved away. The fading sound made me think of pounding drums, like those at one of those medieval executions. I looked unseeingly towards the big white mansion in front of me. My hands moved to his arms, which were still cradling my face.
"Because you told me," I answered after a few moments of silence. My voice was monotone; there was no accusation in it. I'd believed it because he'd said it, plain and simple. "Because you told me I wasn't good for you and that you didn't want me anymore. Because your actions those last few days before you left proved your words, and your eyes that night confirmed that what you were saying was true. And because it made perfect sense." I brought my eyes back to meet Edward's. His features had taken on an extremely regretful look. "Your moving on made perfect sense, as much as it killed me." My eyes closed momentarily on the last statement, flinching slightly from the recalled pain. I felt Edward stiffen beside me.
"What about the thousands of times I told you I loved you?" Edward whispered, gazing deep into my eyes. His thumbs caressed my cheeks. "What about the thousands of times I held you in my arms and told you, you were my life? How could you let one lie erase all of that?" His voice was not as even as mine. He sounded reprimanding, and somehow I thought I detected a note of accusation, admonishing me for buying the lie which he sold so perfectly. He brought one hand to my chin, bringing my eyes back to him. "How could you let your faith in me be broken so easily?" he murmured.
I stared at him, blinking my eyes successively to clear my head. He was telling me he loved me, that he'd always loved me. That for some reason he'd lied to me that day in the woods. And…and that I shouldn't have believed him? That because he'd told me over and over before that day that he loved me I should've ignored his actions those last few days? I shouldn't have believed the hard, unfeeling eyes that looked down on me that day? I shouldn't have believed the cold, merciless words he uttered without any sign of regret? I should've known somehow? Even though he saw me breaking, even though he stood their stoically and unemotional watching me die on the inside before running from me, I should've known better?
I brought my hands up to his, grabbing them tightly. Edward smiled momentarily, an angel's smile that pierced my heart. But when I pulled his hands off of my face, his smile faltered.
"So easily?" I repeated incredulously. "So easily?" I asked again. My voice was shaking now. "What else was I supposed to believe? You said it and you showed it to me! You didn't love me anymore! I saw it in your eyes! I heard it in your voice! Now you're saying you lied? Why would you…how could…I don't understand!" My voice was hoarse with emotion. "What are you saying? Why would you lie?"
Edward's eyes were getting desperate. He searched my eyes frantically for understanding. His words now came in a heated rush. "Bella love, please listen to me. I had to do it. I had to lie to you. It was the only way you'd let me go. I could see that. You wouldn't have let go any other way, so I had to make you believe I didn't want you anymore. It killed me Bella, but I had to do it. I thought it was the only way."
I brought my hands up to my head, running my fingers roughly through my wet, tangled locks in utter frustration. I kept my hands up there, closing my eyes once again. I didn't open them as I spoke again. I puckered my eyebrows tightly in complete exasperation.
"It killed you?" I echoed. I thought I heard a pained grunt at my words. "Why would it have killed you? You left voluntarily. You weren't the one left behind!" But then I thought about what he'd said, that he'd still loved me when he left. I opened my eyes again and glared at him questioningly.
"Why did you leave? Why did you lie?" My voice was strangled; the tears threatening to make a return.
Edward brought his hands back up to my shoulders, squeezing them pleadingly. "Bella, don't you remember? Don't you remember what happened?" he asked breathlessly, as if that should've made everything clearer to me.
"I remember everything!" I answered, and as I did, I forced myself to look back; to replay everything that happened as if watching a video, pausing and fast-forwarding, rewinding and watching every detail of the events that led to the day of Edward's departure from my life. This was nothing new; I'd played this movie in my head thousands of times since the day Edward left, examining every detail from countless angles, trying to determine what I could've done differently, and always coming up with the same conclusion. Nothing. Because nothing I could've ever done would've changed the fact that I didn't deserve him. He'd started realizing it on my birthday and nothing…
And then it hit me. I rewinded the movie reel in my head, pausing and stopping on the night of my birthday. The night I'd cut myself and Jasper had lunged for me. The night Edward's face had changed. The night I thought he'd realized I wasn't worth the trouble…
But what if…? What if that's not what he realized that night? What if…what if that incident had made him realize something else? Edward. Always worried, always protective, always overreacting… What if…?
"WHY DID YOU LEAVE?" I challenged, my voice no longer a whisper. "TELL ME!"
Edward brought me closer to him, afraid to let me go. His eyes bored into mine, willing me to grasp what he was saying. "Bella, I thought…I thought it was the only way to keep you safe. After what happened on your birthday," he shuddered before continuing. "I could see what keeping you in my world was doing. You were always on the edge of danger. Always because of me." I gasped and brought my hand up to cover my mouth, as the truth of what he was saying finally sunk in. "I realized how selfish I was being, keeping you from the things you should've had," he continued "the things you should've been wishing for, instead of a boyfriend who couldn't even kiss you the way you deserved to be kissed," he hissed, an angry gleam in his eyes, "instead of wishing for a soulless existence beside me. You were so young, so beautiful, so trusting. And I'd come into your life and taken advantage of all that. Your youth, your trust. I was a monster and you refused to see that!. A monster that would someday be responsible for your death, one way or the other!" he growled, shaking me slightly. "So I had to leave Bella. It was the only way. The only way I knew to keep you safe!"
I closed my eyes shut tight, my hand still at my mouth. I shook my head back and forth furiously, wishing to somehow undo the truth of what I'd just learned. 'Please God. Please tell me this isn't true. Please tell me this is all just another nightmare. Please don't tell me the last four years of heartache were all just a lie; just one big fat lie told with the excuse of protecting me…again.'
"Oh God!" I moaned, unable to say anything else.
Edward pursed his lips and frowned profoundly. "What was I supposed to do Bella? I couldn't let you continue to endanger yourself to be with me! You wouldn't walk away, so I had to do something!"
My eyes flashed to him angrily now, full of disbelief that the answer to that hadn't been perfectly clear to him. "YOU SHOULD'VE SPOKEN TO ME ABOUT IT!" Edward's head jerked back in surprise, not having expected my outburst. "You should've told me what you were thinking! What you were feeling! Not taken it upon yourself to figure out what was best for me, what was best for us. It was my life too!" I cried, my tears rolling down my cheeks again. "If you loved me like you say you did, you should've talked to me! You had no right…" my voice broke "You had no right. I loved you!"
Edward pulled me into him then, crushing my body into his tightly. My face was lost in his hard chest, and my arms instinctively went up around his shoulders, but instead of winding around his neck, my elbows planted themselves on his back, my hands still up in the air.
"I'm so sorry Bella!" he cried, his voice breaking. "If I would've known the pain you would suffer, if I would've known the danger I was leaving you in, even with me out of your life, I would've never left. I could've never made myself leave. I only left because I thought you'd be happier and safer in the end. And I'm so sorry. Sorry because I just made things worse, sorry for every tear you ever shed because of me, sorry because I don't know if you could ever forgive me. And even though I know I'll never deserve you or your forgiveness, I can't stop myself from wanting both, from loving you. I'm so sorry!"
I kept silent; listening to his heavy breathing as he held on to me, waiting for my response. I took in a deep breath and my senses were assaulted by the honey and lavender that came off of him, the sweetness of it. So pure. So soothing. I listened with my head on his chest. There was no heartbeat there. As much as Edward talked about love, about pain, there was no heartbeat there. What did that mean? What kind of love was there without a beating heart? What kind of love left you broken? Not for a day, or for weeks, or even for a few months, but for years? I didn't understand that kind of love. Was it beyond my understanding? Was I so unworthy of it that I couldn't grasp it?
I spoke slowly, tiredly. "I don't understand." Edward pulled me away enough so that he could look at me again, his eyes narrowed.
"I left because-" he began, but I cut him off.
"No. That's not what I mean. I understand why you say left. I understand it was your unbearable need to keep me safe. I just don't understand…" my voice trailed off. We were both silent for a few seconds, as we stared into each other's eyes.
"You don't understand what love?" he prompted after a short while.
"It all comes down to the same thing." I answered in a low voice.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean…this need of yours to keep me safe."
"Bella, I can't live in a world where you're not safe!"
"No, Edward. I understand you want to keep me safe. I appreciate it. I accept it, and I get it. But…is it just that Edward? Is that all there is then?"
Edward sighed and pursed his lips, his forehead wrinkled in question. "I thought we went through this the other day," he began. I pulled away from him even more, dropping my arms back down to my sides. His arms pulled away from me but he put his hands out to the car, forming a cage around me.
"Yes, I thought we did too. But it's just this need of yours Edward. This need you have to keep me safe above all else. Above being with me. I don't understand that kind of love Edward. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm too selfish to understand that level of love. Because Edward, I could've never left you like that. In a thousand years I could've never made myself walk away from you the way you walked away from me. What does that mean?" Did that mean he loved me more, or that I did? Did that even matter? I couldn't think. I didn't know if any of my thoughts even made any sense at this point.
"Bella-"
"Either way, something was wrong there." I continued my thoughts out loud. "Some deep misconception. Because I don't understand your way of loving, and you obviously didn't understand mine, if you thought I'd get over you so easily."
"Bella, I was wrong. I see that now."
"You see that now Edward?" I asked, trying to keep any hint of accusation out of my tone. I wasn't trying to accuse him of anything. I was just trying to understand. "It took you almost five years to see that?"
"I thought you'd moved on Bella. I thought you were better off without me. That's the only thing that kept me away from you for this long! The only thing that could've kept me away." Abruptly, I thought of something else. A thought that hadn't occurred to me until just now, as Edward told me how sorry he was he'd stayed away so long.
"Would you even have come back?" the disbelief coloring my tone before he'd even responded to the question.
"What?" I'd never seen Edward so confused, so at a loss for words. And the fact that I had to elaborate on everything began to inflame me.
"If Alice hadn't seen me in New York; if I hadn't told her about Jake, would you ever have come back?"
"Bella I…" he exhaled sharply, unable to complete his sentence.
"You wouldn't have, would you?" I finished for him.
"I thought you were happy," he continued weakly.
"Did you ever check?" I asked, biting my lip, fighting to keep my voice even.
"I knew if I ever checked on you it would be too much, so I-"
"So you didn't," I finished again. Edward stared at me intently with his mesmerizing golden orbs, his mouth set in a tight line now. I took a deep breath and forced myself to look into his eyes as I spoke.
"I'm not that girl anymore Edward. You can't dazzle me into forgiving you anything. Even though I would've forgiven you almost anything right now Edward. But not this."
I was up against my car, trapped with nowhere to go, so I pushed him away, knowing the gentleman in him would never let him go against my wishes.
"Not you telling me that the past few years of hell have been for nothing! That the utter agony I felt at being told you didn't want me was a lie. That you purposely tore a hole in my heart with your lies! What kind of a man does that? What kind of a man tramples on the heart of the one he supposedly loves?" He stared at me but didn't try to answer. "I'll tell you what kind of a man. A monster. That's who does that. Not a man, a monster!" I spat, shocked at my own words.
Edward's head snapped back as if I'd slapped him. His eyes grew wide with shock. He froze to the spot he was in, and I once again marveled at how utterly, inhumanly beautiful he really looked.
"You wanted me to see the monster in you Edward? Well I see it clearly now. You wanted me to run and scream. Well here's me running and screaming!" I turned around to get in my car, but he took me by my waist and wheeled me around to face him again.
"Bella, please don't do this!" he implored. "I was a monster, yes. You're right. But you taught me how to be man! Your love showed me that there was still a man inside me. Please give me one more chance to prove to you that I can be that man again. I will be what you need me to be. Just give me a chance to make it up to you. Please, just let me try!" he begged. He sounded as if he'd be crying if he could.
The tears ran down my cheeks unchecked now. My voice was hoarse and my words were garbled by my crying, but I went on, with my head down.
"Make it up to me?" I asked incredulously. "Do you really think you could ever make it up to me? All the empty days and restless nights I've been through because of your lies, because of your lack of faith in our love? I would've forgiven you almost anything. If you'd told me you'd stopped loving me all those years ago, I would've understood. I did understand that. It made sense. Why would someone like you love someone like me? That I understood. If you'd told me these weeks back had shown you that you still had feelings for me, I could've accepted that." I looked back up at him, his face was distorted by my tears, but I could see the torture in his eyes, and it made me hate myself, and hating myself made me even angrier, because it reminded me that I should've been hating myself when I was kissing him. That's when I should've felt this guilt.
"But I can't forgive this Edward! I can't forgive the fact that you took it upon yourself to destroy us. That you took our love away without giving me the benefit of the doubt. Without treating me like the equal partner I was supposed to have been in that relationship. I was your girlfriend Edward, I wasn't your child!" I yelled. "You had no right to make such a decision unanimously."
"I'm so sorry Bella. I was so wrong. So unbelievably wrong." His voice was rough with pain.
"That's not enough Edward! It may have been enough if you'd come back a few months later. It may even have been enough if you'd come back a couple of years later. But it's been almost five years Edward! 'I'm sorry I was wrong' just doesn't cut it anymore! You waited too long Edward! You waited too long and I had to move on, just as you'd wanted me too. It was the only way I could survive. You had your distractions. You had your travels, and Rio and Tanya" I waved my hand wildly towards the house "and I…I had Jake." At my words, Edward closed his eyes and a painful moan escaped his lips, except this moan was as full of agony as his previous one had been full of ecstasy. "I have Jake now. And you may have decided that maybe things here in Forks weren't so bad after all, but I can't do that Edward. I can't go back to the way things were. I'm a different person now, I have a different life. Someone's counting on me now. Someone who's placed his trust and love in my hands, and I can't let him down. I can't walk away as easily as you did Edward." I wasn't sure if he could understand me through my tears.
"I only walked away because I thought I was wrong for you, and I thought it was the right thing, the decent thing to do." His voice was a broken whisper, as if he were having a difficult time speaking.
"Well now I have to look at right and wrong Edward, and decide what's the right thing and the decent thing for me to do. I have someone else now who loves me and who depends on me, and I can't just walk away from him now because almost five years later, you've changed your mind." His face was a mask of utter agony at my words.
"Bella, I told you, it wasn't like that!" he repeated vehemently. "I only stayed away for so long because I thought you were completely happy, living the life you were meant to lead before I came along. It was never a matter of me changing my mind, my mind was always on you. There was never a moment when I didn't long for you. I only stayed away to keep you safe!" His eyes begged me to believe him, but I was too wrapped in the pain now.
"Listen to yourself Edward. Do you even believe that yourself?"
"It's the truth! I swear it!" he confirmed.
"Are you sure? Because you say you only cared for my safety, but what about a few minutes ago?" His features set into a grim frown, showing me that he understood what I was talking about. "You say you couldn't kiss me the way I deserved to be kissed. Then what was that before?" His frown deepened. "You let yourself go and you kissed me the way you'd always wanted to but never let yourself before. My safety wasn't your top concern then, yet I was fine. What does that tell you Edward? Maybe if you'd let me take part in other decisions regarding my safety back then, maybe-" But Edward refused to acknowledge this. His eyes were an ocean of apologies.
"That was a…mistake Bella. I shouldn't have let myself get carried away like that. You could've gotten hurt. I apologize."
And that was so not the response I'd wanted. To hear him say that the kiss we'd just shared, that his finally letting his guard down with me and letting me in, that the most significant and satisfying kiss of my life had been nothing but a mistake was like a punch in the stomach. I put both my hands out to the car behind me to steady myself as my already mangled heart dealt with the blow of his continued rejection.
"So it was just a mistake then?" I asked, desperate to give him one more chance to take the words back. He nodded solemnly. I grunted miserably, shaking my head back and forth in disbelief.
"So what am I supposed to do now Edward? What do you want from me now? Should I thank you for caring so much about my safety? You've always been so worried about keeping me safe physically" –I was crying again- "but what about my heart? I trusted you to safeguard my heart, but you never factored that into the parts of me that you had to keep safe!"
"You were supposed to forget me Bella, after a few weeks, a couple of months at the most."
I laughed bitterly. "Well let me tell you, that's not how it worked out." We were both silent for a while, listening to the rain falling on the trees. I watched the moon appear through a break in the clouds. So bright, yet unable to shed enough light on this dreary night.
"I thought I was wrong for you Bella" Edward whispered, breaking the silence. "I thought walking away was the right thing to do." My response was quick.
"Except you didn't walk Edward. You ran!" I lowered my head. "I never had a chance." My voice sounded dead to my ears. I looked back up at him and his eyes shined with the tears he'd never be able to shed. But I was shedding enough for the two of us.
"I thought it was the right thing to do Bella," he repeated, but his voice held no conviction anymore. "I never stopped loving you. I swear that to you. I've thought of you and wanted you every moment I was away. Right and wrong no longer matter to me."
I snorted. "See that's the difference between how both of us viewed our relationship Edward. To you, even now, our love was something wrong, something you had to come to terms with. To me, our love was never a matter of right or wrong. It just was."
Quickly, Edward's hands came back up to my face and he pulled me close. "It just was? Is it over then Bella? Is our love over? Is it really and truly too late for us?" I didn't answer. His words came out in a rush now. "Bella, what were you about to say before? Before we kissed?" I could feel his sweet breath on my face as he spoke, like a soothing caress.
"I was a fool Bella!" he hissed. "I see that now! But if you can look me in the eyes and tell me that you no longer love me, that our love is in the past-" his face distorted in pain and he took a deep breath before continuing, "If you can look me in the eyes and tell me you never want to see me again, then I'll leave you alone Bella. I won't force my presence upon you. All I care about is your happiness. And if you can be happy without me, then I'll have to live with that. Just finish what you were about to say before! You still what Bella?"
I tried to look away from him, but he held on to me firmly. "No Edward!" I refused his plea. "There's no point in me finishing that. It didn't matter that day in the woods, and it doesn't matter now. It would only make things harder."
"It has always mattered!" His eyes were fierce. He spoke with new resolve now.
"Alright then, look at me and tell me you don't still feel this overwhelming pull!" His hands went to the back of my neck, gripping me tightly. "Tell me you don't feel the charge between us when we touch. Tell me you never want to see me again. Tell me to disappear and I will."
I was quiet for a few seconds. "I can't do that either," I admitted weakly.
Edward searched my eyes, looking for answers I didn't yet have. "So where do we go from here Bella? What exactly are you telling me?" I'd never seen Edward look so disconcerted, so confused.
I took a deep breath before answering, looking right into his eyes.
"I'm telling you that this isn't just about you and me anymore Edward. I made a commitment to someone else, and I can't just break that now because you and I…because you and I have no idea where we fit in each other's lives now…" I trailed off, not knowing how to finish. "Jacob was there for me when I needed him. And I can't do this to him Edward. It's too late." Edward let out an agonized moan.
"So you stay with him out of obligation?"
"No Edward. It's not just obligation. It's not. I was broken when you left. I was a damaged, empty shell and he put me back together. He was willing to stick around and help me come back to life, and for that, I love him." Edward looked up at the sky as if trying to hold back tears. I brought my hands up to his and gently loosened them from me. We both stood there for what seemed like hours, not knowing what else to say.
"I have to go," I finally said, turning back to my car, but before I made it in I felt Edward's hands around my waist again. He turned me back to face him.
"Bella, I can't give up." His eyes burned with the truth of his words. I closed my eyes, unable to suppress a choking sob.
"If you'd told me you didn't want me," he continued, "if you'd told me Jacob was all you wanted now, then I would've walked away. It would've killed me, but I would've walked away."
"Edward please-" I began.
"But even though you refuse to say you love me out loud, even though I know and accept that Jacob is important in your life, even though I'll be eternally grateful to Jacob for all he's done for you," –he paused and closed his eyes for a moment before quickly opening them back up- "and although I know I'll never deserve you," –he smiled sadly- "your eyes tell me that you still love me the way I love you. So I can't give up Bella. I'm much too selfish, and I'm sorry for that. But I know now what it's like to live without you, and if there's the slightest chance that you could ever forgive me for all I've done, I can't give it up." He brought up a hand to wipe away my tears.
"I'll be here Bella," he continued. "I won't ask anything of you, or make your life uncomfortable, or demand your attention, but you will know that I'm here. I've made a mess of things and I know it. But I will spend the remainder of my existence trying to make it up to you." His eyes were ablaze with determination now.
"I've got to go Edward," I moaned, forcing myself to turn from him again. I climbed into my car quickly, fumbling with the keys before finally getting it started. And like a masochist coming back for more, I looked up at Edward before pulling away. He was staring at me with an unfathomable expression. A look that made me want to jump out of the car and run to him again. Run to him and wrap myself around him and never let go. And pulling away from there, pulling away and leaving him standing there watching me, was one of the most difficult things I'd ever had to do, apart from learning to survive without him.
The rain had finally given the little town a reprieve, and as I navigated my way out of the deep forest I kept my foot hovering over the break, aware, through my haze, that I had to drive extra carefully tonight because of my altered mental state. But at the same time, I also knew that what Edward had said back at his house was true. I could feel him. And I knew he wasn't far. And I knew that no matter what, I would be safe during my drive tonight.
So it was after a few miles when I finally felt alone enough to stop the car. He was giving me some space, as he promised he would. I walked out of the car numbly, grateful for the solitary roads of Forks, for the small population, for the distance from here to La Push.
I couldn't go home; not yet. I couldn't stay at the Cullens. I couldn't go to La Push. I wasn't sure where I belonged. So I was here, in the middle of No Man's Land. This was neutral, far enough away from Charlie's worried stare, from Edward's agonized gaze, from Jake's suspicious glare. Like a zombie, I slowly made my way into the wooded forest, somehow being careful to raise my legs over any rocks or bracken in my way. I stared straight ahead, yet I saw nothing.
When I was deep enough in my solitude, I knelt down into the wet ground…and snapped. Like a crazy banshee let loose from the pits of hell, I snapped. I looked up at the black night above while the drops from the trees landed on my face and I heard the most ear-piercing curdled scream I could have ever imagined. A scream so tormented that it took me a couple of seconds to realize their point of origin. And when I realized they were coming from me, I screamed unimaginably louder. I screamed for all the times I'd held it in, when I had to pretend to be normal for Charlie, when I pretended to be okay for Jake, when, out of the blue in a class in school, or in the supermarket, or even driving home from somewhere, the terror of knowing I'd lost something so precious would hit me, and I'd choke back the screams, trying to keep myself together.
But not now. Not here. Not tonight.
Now, I let out a collective scream for every single second I'd suffered because Edward decided he alone knew what was best.
But…when my screams finally died down…I heard something else far in the distance…
And this sound was so much more tormented than my scream that it made the hairs on my flesh stand on end. It was a scream a thousand times more agonized than my own. A man's cry of anguish so piercing, that it took all the strength I had left to keep myself from looking for him, from finding him and comforting him and never letting him go again. Slowly, I made myself get up and head back home, instead of back the way I'd come, knowing that I had to start practicing the hardest thing I'd ever have to do in my life:
Staying away from Edward.
This was the most difficult chapter I've written so far. But before everyone panics, we all know better than to believe that Bella will be able to stay away from Edward, don't we? There will be plenty of E&B coming up in the next chapter, this is, after all, an Edward & Bella story. Okay, now we can all breathe a collective sigh of relief! Whew!
As I've said before, this isn't an Edward that came back a few months later. This Edward's been gone for years. And now for Bella to learn so much in such a short time has to be shocking. I know lots of painful things were said in this chapter, but I think 22 year old Bella's initial reaction at learning the truth about why Edward left would be somewhat different from 18 year old Bella's. 22 year old Bella has suffered through a lot more than 18 year old Bella had. And while she doesn't blame him for Victoria, she can't help but to blame him for staying away for so long based on a lie.
For those of you who always review, thanks so much. It really means a lot to me. For those who haven't reviewed yet, please consider doing so now. I really really want to know what you all thought about this chapter. It really drained me.
And finally, on a bit of a lighter note, who do you guys think won the bet then? Did Alice win, or did the fact that Bella more or less confessed her feelings to Edward first, and then they both kissed at the same time, make Alice lose?