Chapter 19
Lou
It has been a horrible night, full of nightmares. My usual dream about the disgusting worms falling from the sky got mixed with distorted images of Esther, Kid, and Cody. Their mocking guffaws reverberated deafeningly in my ears, and little by little they were joined by the other riders, Jesse, Rachel, Teaspoon… even the whole town, all laughing at me, pointing their fingers at me. I woke up several times during the night, and whenever I managed to fall asleep again, the two nightmares kept haunting me.
Naturally when I arouse this morning, I'm very tired. It's my day off, so I'm free from work. As I lie in bed, looking at the ceiling, I wonder if I should be freeing myself from this job altogether. Last night's events keep replaying in my mind torturously and my anger bubbles back to life. I know I won't be comfortable here any longer. My debt to Teaspoon is paid off, so nothing ties me to this place. I'm free to ride to my cabin, and start afresh there without Pa. I could survive all winter with the remainder of the last harvest, and anything I might catch in the traps. It's not much, but I don't need a lot. I can live frugally, and the furs I manage to get hold of can be exchanged for seeds when Al comes along. I'm more than able to handle the fields on my own, and when next autumn they bloom and bear generous fruit, I might be able to sell part of the harvest or also exchange it for a few animals, maybe a cow, some hens and even sheep.
I get up with a spring in my step, feeling confident and not an ounce of regret for my decision to leave this place. From the peg next to the door I rescue my saddle bags where I shove my few possessions. I'll be glad when I find myself in my old home, surrounded by peace and solitude. What has the so-called civilization brought me but headaches and pain? I won't be missing any of that, I'm certain.
It's still early, so everybody will still be sleeping, and I have no intention to say goodbye. What do they care? If I'm honest with myself, I'll have to admit that there are a few good memories of my short time here, and I'd like to thank Rachel and Teaspoon for everything they have done for me. Yet, I don't want to be submitted to a barrage of questions. I won't explain myself to anybody, especially if I have to recount what happened last night. That was too humiliating in itself. By the time my absence gets noticed, I'll probably be home, and nobody will know where to find me.
I toss a last look at my room for the last weeks before I make my way to Lightning's stall. For a second I entertain the thought of leaving a note, but I discard the notion almost immediately. I don't know what I could say. All I want to do is to leave and resume my life just like my father would like me to do, and then wait for his return one day. I don't regret my time in Rock Creek; the experience has taught me a great deal, but I've had enough with all the liars and cheaters this town is apparently so full of.
The sun is timidly emerging on the horizon when I steer Lightning out of the stables. I breathe in the early morning air and climb onto my mare. "We're going home, girl," I say, patting her neck softly.
I slap the reins on Lightning's back and she leads us out of the station at a light canter. Soon we're crossing the limits of the town, increasing our pace to a quick trot. It is then that I hear the sound of hooves behind me, and curious, I turn my head. At once I recognize the horse and rider following me. It's Kid, and when he notices my eyes on him, he calls my name. He's the last person I want to see or talk to, so I fix my eyes ahead of me and spur Lightning into a fast gallop, intending to get rid of him. We're riding at a breakneck speed, but Katy's hoofs resound closer and closer, so I press Lightning to go as fast as possible. The cold air slaps my face, and my arms and legs hurt from the continuous effort to man my mount at this pace, which I'm not used to. The scenery I whizz past ain't familiar at all; I ain't sure what direction I'm galloping in. All my self is focused on getting rid of Kid's pestering presence. So far, I haven't done a good job because he's still behind me.
The trees we zip past start multiplying as we advance, and when the thick forest wraps around us, I know I have to give up and face the music. Kid will certainly catch up with me. Who am I kidding? He's an expert Pony Express rider, used to galloping the roads and all kinds of uneven, hostile terrain, whereas my riding skills are not so experienced and very limited in comparison.
I stop and wait for him to reach us. When he does, I snap, biting like a cornered snake, "What the hell do you want?"
He doesn't even flinch at my poisonous tone, and when he notices my bags, dangling from the saddle horn, he asks quietly, "Are you going somewhere, Lou?"
"What part didn't you understand last night? I don't want to talk to you!" I bark unkindly instead of answering his question.
"You didn't let me explain, and I think I deserve to be heard."
I shake my head. "Everything was crystal clear to me. There's no need for any explanations or excuses."
"I thought we were friends."
I chuckle bitterly. "Your concept of friendship is quite peculiar. At least, in my book lies and half-truths don't have room."
"Look," Kid interject in a dry tone. "I'm sorry, all right? I know I should have told you, but believe me; I didn't know how to do it. You sounded so excited about her and…" He pauses, takes a deep breath, and in a mellower tone he adds, "Esther's been trying to draw my interest since we moved to Rock Creek, but she wont' understand I don't want anything from her. She's relentlessly insistent or… deaf."
"She wanted to make you jealous using me," I mutter.
Kid sighs. "Lou, there's no future or present for me and that woman. I don't want her, and I'd hate to think she could draw a rift between us like that. I consider you a good friend of mine, and like Teaspoon says, you're part of the family." When I keep quiet after his passionate spiel, he insists, "Can we patch things up, Lou?"
I lift my eyes to his and say, "I guess so."
Kid smiles and I have to say I'm pleased too. His bright smile has something that always manages to comfort me somehow. Kid stretches his hand to me, and I take it, thus sealing our peace 'treaty'. I look down to see my small hand almost lost in his big one. The warmth of his skin on mine feels nice, and I'm practically shivering. I wonder how I didn't notice the cold air of the morning that makes my body tremble.
Kid lets go of my hand, and I cross my arms, trying to warm up my shaky body. "So what's the deal with the bags? You ain't thinking of leaving us, are you, Lou?"
"Not anymore," I admit with a shrug of my shoulders.
"Good thing I saw you sneaking out," he says, and I find myself smiling. My irritation is gone. Maybe I overreacted last night, and I need to own up to part of the blame in this weird episode with Esther. Kid did try to warn me about her… even Cody did so in his own way, but I decided not to listen. I guess I can't blame her either even though she played with my feelings selfishly. That simply showed me that she isn't to trust as a friend. It's obvious I was just an entertainment to fill her loneliness and boredom when she was with her father in the mountains, and later in Rock Creek I came in handy for her plotting.
"Shall we ride back to the station?"
I hesitate. Kid pulls the reins to guide Katy in the opposite direction we previously rode from, and when I make no attempt to follow, he looks at me, a question in his eyes. "Kid, I've been meaning to go up to the cabin for weeks. There are a few things I need to pick up, and I want to have a look around… see how everything is, and maybe I should go today."
Kid nods, and then to my surprise he asks me, "Would you mind if I tag along with you? I don't have a ride till tomorrow morning."
In companiable silence Kid follows my lead as we head for my old home. After a few moments, he clears his throat and says, "Lou, I was thinking about Esther, and…"
"Oh please, do we have to talk about her again?" I croak, and even I could hear the whining tone in my voice.
"Just hear me out," he says, and I don't protest. "I just think that if you really like this girl, there's no law that says you can't fight for her. She ain't spoken for, and I'm sure she'll eventually see what a catch you are."
I shake my head morosely. "I don't think so," I mutter. As I remember my poor attempt to kiss Esther, and how I almost gagged in disgust, I feel overwhelmed by shame and confusion. I ain't sure what was wrong there, but I imagine that sick feeling shouldn't have been happening. That was weird. I still think Esther's a lovely girl, but just the idea of kissing her again fills me with a niggling, disagreeable dread. "Kid, I think I was deluding myself into believing I was in love with her, but, even if our disagreement hadn't taken place, I still wouldn't like her the way I thought I did."
"That often happens," Kid replies, his hand pushing a tree branch out of our way.
"Does it?" I ask, surprised by his revelation and utterly relieved.
"Not everything that gleans is gold, Lou, and as you said yourself, a woman is more than a pretty face. It's often a bitter disappointment to find out that in some cases it's only that… just a pretty face and nothing else. The hidden treasure you thought was hidden is nowhere to be found."
"It'd make things easier if we got to see the wonderful treasure before being dazed by the outer, brilliant wrapper."
"I guess that's only possible in the case of blind people."
"Or those who have a deeper sense of sight."
We continue the rest of our journey in silence. When we approach the property, feelings of apprehension and foreboding assault me. I'm afraid of finding Pa waiting for me, and I know that as soon as he sees me with Kid, he'll want to shoot him just like the day Esther and her father unexpectedly appeared on our farm. And after shooting him, he'll certainly drag me to the cabin and lock me there. My fears are naturally groundless because my father is behind bars many miles from here. Even aware of that, I breathe out in relief when we finally ride into our property and there ain't a soul around. The relief is soon succeeded by shame and guilt. What kind of ungrateful, dishonorable son am I? Instead of jumping in joy at the prospect of seeing my father, I'm dreading it. I sometimes disgust myself.
"It's so quiet here," Kid says as his eyes take in the piece of land that has been my home for almost my whole life.
"You could say that," I rejoin with a grin.
We dismount and tether the horses in front of the cabin. I'm dismayed to see that weeds and brambles are already sprouting timidly, and I fear that with time what used to be productive, fertile soil will become fallow and fraught with unwanted shrubbery. But what can I do? Despite my intention this morning, I have no desire to stay here on my own. Pa will be back in no less than five years, and only when the time for his release comes will I consider living here again.
Kid and I walk to the house, and as I stand in the middle of the living room, I sense the usual familiarity as well as a strange feeling of detachment as if I didn't belong to this environment any longer. It wasn't that long ago I spent my days here, but it feels as if a lifetime had gone by.
"Your father built a nice place here," he says while I open the shutters to let the light in.
"Yes," I reply without much enthusiasm. "I know no other home. This is where I've been since I was a toddler, so I guess I can't really appreciate it."
"Consider yourself lucky," Kid continued. "The place where I grew up was nothing, but a run-down shack which leaked and froze us in winter and was an oven in the summer. We couldn't afford to move anywhere else."
"Where was that?" I ask, intrigued to know more about Kid's past. Even though we often talk, he never says much about his family or where he comes from.
"Virginia."
"Are your parents still there?"
Kid shakes his head, and I can tell that he aint' too comfortable with the conversation. His usually smiling face is somber, and his eyes are downcast as he speaks. "My mother died when I was fifteen. My father had abandoned us years ago, and I can't say I was sorry to see him go. He treated us worse than scum, so when he left, life became less unbearable for us."
"I'm sorry," I mutter, and when he looks up and finds me, his face registers surprise, and I can guess he never meant to say so much. "My mother's also dead," I add, not sure why, but somehow I just want him to know that I understand him, and we are in a way equals. "I don't even remember her."
"At least you have your Pa."
I nod slowly and sigh. "Yes, that's true, but…"
"But what?"
"He's… he's so overbearing at times."
"I imagine that's logical, considering you're his only son, so all his attention goes to you," Kid says.
I know that. I smile at his words. It's nice of him to talk about my father in those respectful terms when all he knows is that Pa brutally attacked a fella, and that's why he's in prison. Anyone could have reservations to justify a person with that kind of background, but I've learnt that Kid always tries to find something good in everybody, and his deference to my father and myself is really a thoughtful touch.
"I know you're right, and it's wrong of me to think about Pa this way, but… but I don't want to go back to what my life was like when I lived here. I like it in Rock Creek. I feel so free."
"I wouldn't worry about that, Lou," he replies. "From experience I know there's no use fretting about what ain't here yet. When your father comes out of jail in a few years' time, you might even have a family of your own, and things will be completely different."
His comment makes me titter because I'm unable to imagine the scenario he's painted for me. Me a father? I just can't see it. And I'm pretty sure Pa would hate me for doing something like that behind his back.
Laughing I look up, and once again Kid's intense gaze gives me a jolt, and I sober instantly. There's something in those eyes of his that seem to go deep into my soul and make me nervous. I wonder if he has this effect on everybody, or maybe it's just me and my awkward ways. I lower my eyes and try to find a diversion. I'd abhor it if Kid came to realize I got this weird around him from time to time. This must be one of these things he claims shouldn't be commented on between two male friends, so I better keep it private.
"I better pack my things first before checking the rest of our farm. With a bit of luck we'll be back in Rock Creek before dinner."
"Let me give you a hand then," Kid volunteers, following me.
"Pa has a suitcase in his bedroom," I say as I open the door and we slip inside. I point with my thumb at the top of my father's wardrobe on which a bulky, brown suitcase rests. "I know it'll be a heck of a job to carry that thing while riding back to Rock Creek, but I'll manage somehow."
"Let me get it for you," Kid offers, sharply realizing that with my size I'll be unable to reach the suitcase unassisted.
I take a step backwards, leaving him room to maneuver. Kid peels off his coat and raises his arms upward. His body flexes, and from his position I can see underneath his shirt the muscles in his back and arms as he moves. He's so strong and well-built. I like what I'm seeing, and even though this is something men ain't supposed to say, I know Kid's a beautiful man. No wonder Esther likes him. He has what I so obviously lack. I keep staring at him, practically admiring him, because he's just the way I'd like to be. That's why I know I could watch the shape of his body for hours. Men ain't supposed to admire other fellas' looks either, but I do… I admire Kid only because I want to be like him.
A sigh sneaks out of my lips just when Kid drops the suitcase onto the floor and I lose sight of his back.
"Anything wrong, Lou?" he asks me, having heard my involuntarily sigh.
I blush, angry with myself, and shake my head energetically. Trying to hide my stupid embarrassment, I keep my eyes downcast as I mumble he should follow me to my own bedroom. My darn curiosity is putting me on the spot, and I'm risking Kid's friendship for my own stupidity. I don't want everybody to think I'm odd like Cody called me, least of all, Kid. So I plaster a smile on my face, lift my chin, and looking into his unnerving eyes, I try to act suave and calm. "Come on, Kid. Let's finish here, and then we'll go home."