Author's Note: LET'S FRICKIN' DO THIS THING. Hint: Remember the first little bit of chapter 11? Ehehehehe…
…..
Day Five: JARVIS, You Really Suck
"This is the greatest idea I've ever had. It has to be."
"Tony, it's a vacuum cleaner not a space probe, let's not get over-excited here."
"It's not just a vacuum, Bruce! It's JARVIS in a vacuum! This is amazing."
The two self-proclaimed science nerds were standing in the lab, surveying a housecat-sized robot on top of the workbench. It was cube-shaped, with a brushed steel finish, and the Stark seal of approval on its rear bumper. A progress bar on the small touchscreen panel at the side of the robot showed that JARVIS was nearly finished being uploaded to the vacuum's hard drive.
"Sir," came the AI's voice over the tower speaker system. "I've run into a bit of a block with the vacuum software. I seem to be stuck at 96%"
"Okay JARVIS, lemme get in there; I'll see what's going on with it."
A small hidden panel sprung open at the side of the robot, displaying a section of wires and circuits to Tony and Bruce. After poking around for a few minutes, neither of them could figure out what the problem might be. Bruce shut the panel, then stood up and stretched his back with a loud pop.
"I better get dinner going, Tony."
"Hang on a sec, I'll go up with you. JARVIS, do you think the last 4% will be an issue?"
"No, sir. Just a minor performance decrease."
"Well in that case, I think I'll bring you up to the common floor for a test spin, and I'll try to work out that last bit tomorrow."
"Yes, sir."
Tony grabbed the vacuum, and he and Bruce made their way to the elevator. Along the way, they picked up Clint, Natasha, Steve, and Bucky, who inquired about the object in the billionaire's hands. Forever stuck in his man-child mindset when it came to science, Tony simply replied that they'd have to wait and see, because it was too awesome to explain with words. Once they had reached the common floor, everyone settled down in the living room to catch the tail end of Sam and Thor's Mario Kart tournament, except for Bruce, who opted for the kitchen so he could start dinner. Tony hopped onto the couch, then bent over to set the vacuum on the floor.
He tapped lightly on the metal surface. "JARVIS? You in there buddy?"
The screen lit up. "Yes, sir. Everything appears to be in working order."
The billionaire genius rubbed his hands together in anticipation. "Alright then, let 'er rip!"
With a little jolt, and a low humming noise, the vacuum began to roll away across the carpet, pausing here and there to avoid bumping into walls, chairs, and the legs of assassins. Tony watched his creation take its leave of the room, then turned excitedly to his friends.
"Did you see?" he asked, turning from face to face.
"See what?" Clint replied, raising an eyebrow. "All I saw was you releasing a wheeled toaster into the wild."
Natasha snorted loudly, and slapped a hand over her mouth. Tony sent a withering look her way, then turned back to Clint. "No, it was our new vacuum!"
"Wow, that's so exciting," the archer deadpanned.
Tony threw up his hands; resigned to the fact that no one else would think it was cool. "You'll all change your minds about it when you see how cool it is! When he works perfectly, you're going to want twelve! You'll all see!" with that, he dashed into the kitchen.
Clint turned to Natasha. "Is this how people turn into supervillains?"
…..
The next morning, several things were wrong. The curtains in the living room appeared as if they had been chewed by a herd of ravenous rabbits, Bruce woke up to find his favourite watch missing, and Bucky was jolted awake by someone trying to eat his metal fingers.
"AHHG!" he yelled, shaking his arm vigorously to get whatever it was off.
There was a loud suctioning noise as the JARVIS vacuum disengaged from his hand, and then as it was flying through the air, it said "I'm so sorry, sir. I didn't-"
The small robot hit the wall with a loud crash, then zoomed out the door, first smacking into the dresser.
"… What the hell?" Bucky muttered to himself.
…
Two days later, Steve's headphones had disappeared, along with Tony's Batman socks, Clint's reading glasses, and Sam's class ring. Before Natasha could get dressed, she had to spend twenty minutes chasing the JARVIS bot all across her and Clint's floor, because it was dragging three of her bras around and wouldn't let go of them.
…..
On day four, the JARVIS bot accidentally attempted a murder when it latched onto the bottom of Thor's cape, and tried to drive away with the god still attached.
…
After a week, everyone was missing their cellphone chargers, their stray change, and anything else that at one point had touched the floor. They were all afraid to walk around, for fear of surprise toe hickeys and sock thievery.
"Tony!" Natasha yelled suddenly from the PA. "It sucked up my arrow necklace!"
The billionaire genius in question winced. The arrow was majorly off-limits. Cautiously, he answered, "I'm trying to catch him, but the bugger is just so darn fast! Big JARVIS doesn't have control over him anymore, but I'm doing my best!"
"I need that back in ten minutes."
Tony whispered a quick prayer, then ran.
…..
It took the better part of an hour, and the aid of both Steve and Thor, but they finally managed to snag the vacuum by ferociously pelting it with spoons and forks from the kitchen, and then trapping it under a pink laundry basket. As Tony emptied the bin that was meant for dust bunnies and cereal crumbs, he found everything from the diamond earrings that Pepper had lost, to the terrifyingly fuzzy remnants of a burrito that Bucky had had stolen right from his hands.
"JARVIS," Tony said, addressing the ceiling as he continued to sit on the upended laundry basket. The vacuum would occasionally push against the sides of the bin, jolting the billionaire genius on his seat.
"Sir?"
"Is it safe to say that the last 4% was actually really important?"
"Yes, sir, I think it is."
Tony sighed, then clapped his hands together. "Well, we better get started on Mark II, huh buddy? Less suction, more wheels. Oh, and maybe some flashing lights…"
…
Author's Note: for the JARVIS bot I was kind of imagining the little wheeled toaster guy from Star Wars, but silver instead of black. Also, fun fact: if you do a google search of 'star wars toaster on wheels', that exact thing comes up, and that is why I will always love the internet. Stay tuned for more!