Chapter 20: Flashback

A/N: I don't do songs rec. often but this song that made me think of Severus:

"Oh my broken battered body,

In the days when I was younger,

Used to fix itself quick sharp

After every slip and stumble.

But these days I'm collecting scars that don't seem to fade,

Cuts and bruises that won't go away.

And I used to think that I

Would never live past twenty five,

And when you think like that, each day

Is a gift if you survive.

But I've survived too long for my side of the deal,

And as I reach that shore I'm not sure how to feel.

I keep losing days

That used to take a lifetime

In the blinking of an eye.

And all these small ideas

Are suddenly commitments,

As greatness slips on by.

I remember well the day that I got my first tattoo:

I was so scared before and after I was so proud when it was new.

But these days I've gone and got me many more,

And sometimes I get more when I get bored.

One for every year I've lost.

Frank Turner, Losing Days

~~~~O-O~~~~

Appropriate recompense, Severus thought. That seemed to be a theme to his life. A life filled with regrets and guilt. He recalled the moment he awoke in the infirmary after believing Nagini and his dark master had finally ended his miserable life.

Severus slowly became aware of his body. He felt numb as if his consciousness was not attached in the physical realm. Numbness and confusion. "Is there really an after life?" He thought.

Numb but aware of the blackness that surrounded him. Blackness with lightness slowly edging in then the darkness descended again he was gone.

Darkness blended into grayness. He became aware of his breathing, a feeling of air moving over his skin. Noises, soft quiet rustling noises. He was not just mindlessly floating but a body and a mind. The dark grayness were his eyelids closed tightly.

Straining, he opened his eyes a sliver and found himself in the infirmary of Hogwarts. Closing his eyes, he resigned himself to be in hell. His afterlife was to be imprisoned in the hospital wing of his school.

Over the course of several weeks, Severus regained consciousness for a few minutes before sucubming to sleep. He was aware of the bustling around him, never realizing he wasn't in hell. He was not dead.

24 days after being bitten by Nagini, Severus awoke. He was surprised by Madam Pomona Sprout tending to him. He sputtered but he was not quite coherent.

"Tut, tut, now, dear. You are fine. Your wounds have been closed and you should make a full recovery dear."

She patted his shoulder and explained his injuries and treatments. They had used multiple methods to cleanse his system of the poisons. His preventative antidote and bezoar had limited his exposure. The massive blood loss had been a blessing as they had transfused clean blood into him after the attack.

"You are a right hero, you are," Pomona was holding his hand as she spoke.

He felt too weak to pull his hand away, instead using his strength to mutter, "Hero?"

She gave his hand a squeeze, "Yes, HERO! Dumbledore sent a notice to the ministry, Wizengamot, the media, and all of professors here exonerating you upon the death of Tom Riddle."

He snorted but didn't pull his hand away.

"Okay, so Filius still isn't impressed. Minerva, Poppy, Horace, Hagrid, and I are pleased that it's finally come out. We really couldn't believe you capable of murder. Septima couldn't care less other than it set her charts off and she had to start over after the battle. Rolanda is still in recovery from a bad fall during the battle so she doesn't know yet. Who knows what that new Astronomy teacher thinks; he's a night owl."

Standing over him, Pomona raised him into a sitting position. She helped him sip water and smoothed his blankets.

"I'm off now; Minerva has the next shift sitting with you." His former Herbology teacher and current colleague kissed him on the cheek before leaving the room.

Minerva sat with Severus, tears glistening but never falling. She resoundly refused to tell him any news other than Riddle was dead and he was free and clear. He slept and awoke to more shift changes, colleagues and Molly Weasley - all ignoring his pleas for news.

As another day without information; it irritated him enough to lash out at Pomona. "I will not be held against my will and treated like an invalid. I demand to be released."

The plump little witch laughed and laughed until tears were rolling down her face. "Get up, you silly man, get up. There is no magic holding you here to this bed. You are simply too weak to get up. Your body is healing after twenty years of damage. Your liver is toxic and your kidneys are barely functioning."

She continued to laugh as he struggled to right himself and swing his legs off the bed. Alarms sounded and Poppy burst into the room. Pomona stepped back and wiped at her face with her handkerchief like Poppy tucked him back into bed like the small child.

Pomona hoisted herself next to him on the bed as Poppy left. "Severus, you have no one to answer to now. You are truly free. You must take this time to allow yourself to heal your body, mind and soul. You are no longer a pawn in a chess match."

His facial expression darkened, eyes narrowing at the gall of this woman to hold him and speak to him in this manner.

"I know you are upset with me right now but I would like you to listen to what I have to say. It's important for you to hear this." She took a deep breath before continuing. "Your life hasn't been easy. Your childhood was unhappy; your parents didn't do right by you and neither did we as a school. Your involvement with Death Eaters came as no surprise to any of us. You have redeemed yourself in more ways than I can count. I believe that your role in this war against evil was just as valuable, if not more than Harry Potter's."

Sputtering at her idiotic ramblings, Severus tried to wrench his hand from her firm calloused grasp. "Pomona, you are ridiculous."

She released his hand and grabbed his shoulders; pulling him into a bone crushing hug. "You silly boy, you were crucial in saving the Wizarding World. You have been exonerated by the Wizengamot and the general public. You are a HERO."

She let him go and tucked the blankets around him, "And now, Severus, you are done. You are done trying to make please your father, your mother's happiness is not your responsibility. You don't have to impress your classmates or colleagues. You don't have be a Death Eater or a spy. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. THIS is the moment when you can start anew. You can live for you; follow your passions and live your life for you."

Pomona Sprout kissed him on the forehead and walked away. Severus wasn't sure if it was her words or that simple motherly kiss that made him feel lighter. The constriction in his chest felt looser. He didn't feel free but he felt as if he could breathe easier.

When he awoke the next morning with Minerva at his side; he felt as if maybe, just maybe, he had paid enough.

Severus pulled himself out of his memory and found he was alone in the sitting room. Casting a Tempus, he realized Hermione had left hours ago.