Chapter 20 – Sunday afternoon

Jane couldn't tell how long they had been standing in the kitchen, buried in each other's arms. She could have stayed like that forever, except that she needed to see Maura, she needed to find her eyes and in them, the ghosts that made her so afraid. She also needed to confirm that what had happened was not a dream, a mistake.

"Maur, my feet are killing me. Can we sit?"

She felt Maura's silent laugh in her chest. Cold rushed in as Maura broke the embrace.

"You can't help yourself, can you?"

Jane raised her eyebrow and stretched her lips until the dimples were in full bloom, then she took Maura's hand and led her to the couch. Her body felt so cold, and begged her to bring back Maura's warmth. She sat on the couch and gently led Maura down.

Maura slid closer and snugged as if she had done it her entire life. Her body had learnt, in a matter of minutes, how to best fit her shoulder under Jane's arm, her face on her shoulder, her lips on the crook of her neck. Her arm, however, hesitated. It was all about where the hand should or would rest. She needed to feel the heat of those firm abdominal muscles, the peaceful breathing, the beating of the heart, but that would -by necessity- mean she would be too close to Jane's breasts. She wanted to feel them, but it would unleash her body again and she wasn't ready.

Finally, she rested her arm over Jane, safe, her hand barely touching her side. What she couldn't hold back was her fingers; they moved out of their own volition. They first touched, then pressed gently. There it was: Jane's calm breathing.

It soothed her.

Closing her eyes, Maura concentrated on floating with the gentle lapping of Jane's breathing. With one sense less active, she focused on Jane's perfume, the smell of her skin and even that awful fruit-scented chemical shampoo that had replaced the hair mask - she was grateful not to smell that hair mask again. The memory of Julia brought -again- a pang of guilt, tightening her levator labiis superioris into what others would have described as a wince.

She would be seeing Julia again whether she wanted or not; there would be other cases. Hi Julia, I'm really sorry, but thanks for being so understanding that I used you to discover my real feelings for Jane. She could have dressed it however she wanted, but ultimately, that is exactly what had happened. Hi Julia, thanks for telling me a story that condenses almost every fear I have now.

Maura shifted slightly, as if the small spatial relocation would displace the guilt, and crush the panic that gave her the mere thought of not having Jane like this, always, forever.

She sighed, ignoring the tingling of Jane's hair on her nose. Jane's hand slid slowly from her arm to her face, and stayed there as a thumb traced cheek, and the feel of Jane's skin relaxed her tight grimace.

Jane.

What kind of dream was capable of opening her up like this? As pragmatic as Jane was, the change had been too sudden. It scared her. Another fear. Over and above the ghosts of her past failures, the insecurities, and the phobia of abandonment, there was Jane and this sudden change. She knew Jane could handle anything, and believed that the fear was gone, but how could it be so easy to accept from almost one day to the next that you are physically attracted your best friend of years? Then Maura remembered Jane saying that the dream has been a sign. It fit her modus operandi: not process, then one day see a sign, or decide that she had enough, and make a decision.

Jane was right: We all have our own way of dealing with things.

Except I'm not dealing with this very well, and it was Jane who was supposed to struggle with it... Maura's fear of inadequacy was fuelled by this admission.

And yet, here they were, snugging on her couch, on the aftermath of frenzied arousal and the most unexpected love declaration. The memories of their kisses glided down her body and pooled between her thighs. Her hand forgot the earlier resolution and slid back, coming to rest on Jane's firm -yet relaxed- abdominal muscles, right against the swell of her breasts. She felt muscles contract and the brief pause in Jane's breathing.

It would be so easy to climb up, feel the fabric of her bra, her…

No.

"Our friendship has always been undemanding, and I treasure that. I am afraid that I will now start expecting things from you."

Jane was still lost in the tingle running up and down her body, in the heat of that hand, and the heat inside, still astonished by how easy and how right this felt. Shifting in her seat, careful not to break contact, her hand brought Maura's face up until their eyes met.

Maura saw the confusion in Jane's face.

"What I mean is, I think the secret of our friendship has been the mutual lack of demands, allowing for a deeper trust to be built with low risk of disappointment. But now, I need more from you, Jane."

"Okay, so basically, what you're trying to say is that you think that wanting to be with me is going to… screw our friendship and whatever?"

"Basically, yes."

Jane smiled tenderly, and placed a soft kiss on Maura's forehead. "That's screwed, you know that?"

Without taking her lips away, she whispered, her voice now deeper, more solemn. "I want you to expect more from me, Maur. I want you to demand more. I'm better because of you, because of that."

Maura tightened her arm, pressing her forehead to those lips, and retreated.

"But our dating history is plagued with near-hits, misses, or serial killers." Maura's voice was thin, weary.

"Good thing I'm a detective and not a serial killer."

"I'm serious."

Jane shrugged and pointed at their embrace with her eyes. "Maybe this is the reason why? Maybe we were looking too hard elsewhere?"

The sheer logic of that left Maura silent for a moment.

"What would your family say? Your mother?"

"Nothing? Ma... Ma will be happy if I'm happy. Sooner or later. Nah, she will, she adores you. And Frankie will..." Jane shrugged." Punch me and wink? Tommy… well… Tommy is Tommy. Aunt Teresa is going to have a stroke, though, and Ma will blame me."

Maura would have laughed, if only her brain weren't on rapid-fire mode, spitting out one by one all her fears. She smiled briefly, then frowned at the next question.

"And work?"

"Let me see. Now we get to discuss cases at home, or arrive together at a scene? Oh, damn, we do that already." Her grin had the power to diffuse Maura and a thousand bombs. Then it disappeared. "Wait, what are you doing, Maura?

Maura's eyes hid on a wrinkle on Jane's top.

"Maura, look at me."

Her eyes closed.

"Please?"

Silence.

Jane scrutinized Maura's face.

"Wait. Are you trying to convince me that this is a mistake?" The worry and pain in the brown eyes made Maura's heart skip a beat.

"No! No, Jane, it's not that… Not at all." Her eyebrows pressed together. "Isn't it?"

"Why? I would call this many things: bizarre, wonderful, scary, and… but a mistake? Why? No."

It was Jane's turn to cast her eyes down. When she spoke again, it was almost to herself.

"I'm in too deep already, anyway."

She met Maura's eyes again, her voice broken with so many feelings she couldn't hold back, and a sincerity that couldn't care less if it made her look weak.

"Maura, if something has to go wrong, it's not because I want it to go wrong. I have no idea how this happened, why now. Well, maybe I do but anyway… I know I can't help being who I am, and I hope like hell that I don't screw this up, but," She smiled, crawling out of the wobbly place Maura's question had thrown her in. "But I hope you can feel this." Her arms tightened around Maura's back, her fingers caressing her face. "And this." She lowered her head and, after a second of hesitation, closed her eyes and kissed Maura, then retreated questioning, expectant.

Maura's face relaxed, and nodded.

"I do, Jane, but I've never felt like this before. It's… so big. I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know if I'm equipped to-, if I-"

"Shh..." Jane brought her closer when she saw the emotion pooling around and under Maura's lids. With her lips next to her ear, she whispered. "I don't know either, Maur, but," The sigh surprised her, distracting her for a second. "If it's with you here with me, I can. Anything. And we can deal with this together, right?"

Moving back just enough to see Maura's face, words formed without even thinking about it.

"I want this. I want you… Go figure, huh?" She smiled, but it faded as her eyes dropped to Maura's lips, and waited holding her breath.

"Oh, Jane. Jane. Jane..."

The desperation in Maura's kiss carried all the fears and all the doubts of the world, but also an immense love and deep certainty and trust in Jane.

The kiss deepened, as their bodies shuffled on the couch to get even closer. Elbows dug in sides, hands fumbled as the uncovered skin, fingers hesitated and launched in a search of the unknown.

The sound of Jane's moan catapulted Maura into a frenzy, forgetting for a second to be gentle, and Jane followed and led and was led, and her heart skipped a beat when Maura's lips parted, her eyes closed, abandoned to pleasure, and nerve endings flared up wherever they touched skin and skin was touched. Balance was lost and and somehow a blanket ended on the floor; without skipping a beat, they moved in synch, laughing as they fell and rolled and kissed and fumbled with bras and buttons, and kisses on brand new skin, and oceans surfaced and they dived into them without a lifeline, and lips drank and stifled a moan and then another, until they came face to face, completely naked for the first time, blinded by a desire that erased any doubts and fears and questions.

"You are so beautiful. How could I not see that?" One might have said the words, but the other thought the same thought at the same time, and the shared thought became another kiss, deep, filled with the million things words could never say.

The rush gave way to a slow, purposeful hunt; a search that discovered and memorized and treasured every shiver, every sigh, every gasp and muffled gasp, until pleasure peaked and burst with uncontrollable spams contained by arms that couldn't hold tighter, kisses that couldn't be gentler, thankful, adoring.

As their bodies cooled down, Jane shivered. Maura reached for another blanket and wrapped it over their entangled nakedness. Jane trembled, and Maura held her, soothing her with her lips softly over her cheek, her shoulders, her eyes, her hands.

Hands danced in slow motion, discovering each other, holding tight, as their bodies, spent, snugged, sealing the end of fear.

Brown eyes deep on hazel, they understood the meaning of the word Love, and waved goodbye to a lifetime of ghosts, welcoming their birth.

Time drifted. They slept, they woke up, eyes surprised, elated and embracing, lips coming together and pressing tight as each caress drew a promise of thousands to come.

At that instant, Maura knew.

"I'm not afraid anymore." Maura whispered against Jane's lips.

"I know. And we're going to be fine, aren't we?"

Maura smiled, clear, free, light.

"Yes, Jane, we are."