There comes a time when we realize we would do anything for the person we love. I'd promised myself to take the next opportunity to confess to Xena how much in love with her I was.
Sometimes, The Fates have other ideas for us. In this case, it was Ares who had other ideas for Xena. It, of course, affected me. Everything that affected the warrior princess affected me.
So when Ares pulled another one of his schemes to bring Xena back under his spell, it nearly cost me my friendship with my warrior princess. All before I had had the chance to confess just how much I loved her.
I know Xena would have done no less. Walking away, even if it was the most painful thing in the world to do. What's that old saying? Just to see you smile? Or is that something I just made up.
No matter. It's always been true between us. Even in the beginning. I remember our first camp together. Xena had shaken her head. But she had still thrown me the bedroll. It had made me smile. In turn, it had made her smile.
In the beginning, getting Xena to smile was not the easiest thing to do. I was frustrating. I was naïve. I was needing guidance so desperately. It tired my warrior princess more than any fight in those early years.
This time, it was Xena who exhausted me. As usual, she didn't confide in me. I didn't know anything about her childhood. At least not beyond how she had become a ruthless warlord. Nothing about her family.
In fact, it wasn't until later that I met Toris. It came as quite the shock. There were so many secrets. I could write a list the length of the Nile.
I hear the clearing of a throat. I know this means I should write how Xena wasn't the only one who kept secrets. There's one secret that will forever haunt us both.
In some ways, that secret caused me to never think I'd be worthy of being a parent. I think that's why I struggled the first few months of Eve's life. Because I didn't think I deserved to be a parent again.
It's why…Xena is now kneeling beside me. I know I shouldn't dwell on these thoughts. Just as I know I should focus on the here and now.
And I should focus on the time Ares attempted to return Xena to the ruthless warlord he so desired. All by presenting a father she never truly knew. And I nearly fell into the trap by walking away.
If I had, who would have stood up to Xena? I cringe at the thought. I cringe a lot when I think of the God of War. Though he did help us in a time of need, I don't think I can ever truly forgive him.
For now, I reflect on a past coming back. Not to haunt, but to try and give Xena happiness. At least, if it had been true and not a deception…
TIES THAT BIND
Up a tree was not what Gabrielle was accustomed to. But it gave them the best advantage. The pair had been traveling, as usual. They were two days from the last village that they had actually had a warm bath and bed to sleep in.
They were two days from when Gabrielle had made her vow to confide in Xena just how she felt. Would she have the courage to follow through? Time would tell.
The screams had caused them both to run. It had returned to the norm. Gabrielle had been on foot as Xena was in the saddle.
Slave trade. It remained such a hot commodity. It was how Xena and Gabrielle had met. The bard and her young fellow villagers had been about to be taken by Draco's men.
As Xena said, they were not about to allow that to happen. With twenty men in the camp, they would have to go about rescuing the girls cautiously. Even with Gabrielle becoming more accomplished with the staff, it would leave too many for the warrior princess.
That was when the man came charging in. Gabrielle didn't have to be told the man was suicidal to attempt to rescue the women on his own.
Gabrielle watched as her warrior princess charged after the reckless man. By the time the bard caught up with them, Xena was tending to a wound on the man's upper arm.
The bard hadn't expected to meet Xena's father in this manner. In fact, she had assumed she would never meet any of her warrior princess' family, other than her mother.
The exchange between the two was telling. Atrius was speaking as if he was a proud father who truly missed his daughter. Xena was angry. It was clear the warrior princess wasn't believing for a second the man was her father because the man had been selfish in years past.
As Xena walked away, Gabrielle had to ask. Was Atrius her father? The bard had known there was not even a part of her warrior princess who believed he was. But it was shocking news.
There wasn't anymore time to talk about it now. It was time to free the girls. Xena distracted the men, while Gabrielle freed the girls.
One girl refused to go with the others. Gabrielle told the others to hide while she went after the young girl. It took a moment to catch up and even longer to convince the young girl to come with the bard.
Luckily, Atrius had remained to help Gabrielle. Now was the trek to the girl's village, before taking on the warlord who was after the girls in the first place.
They traveled at a quick clip. It wasn't long before they needed to rest. Gabrielle took the moment to seek out the young girl who had run. She wanted to know why.
As Gabrielle listened, she understood why Rhea would think along the lines she did. But didn't she realize that offering herself so others could remain free was an admirable thing? That her family would most likely welcome her back with open arms?
It was something Gabrielle had attempted to do. She had offered herself so that the others wouldn't have to suffer the horrors of being a slave. Luckily, no one had had to suffer. Though Gabrielle was praised, it was Xena who was the real hero.
Speaking of the real hero, Gabrielle found Xena humming. Unusual, but not unheard of. The girls were ready, but where was Atrius?
Though time was of the essence, Gabrielle had to ask what it was like to grow up without a father. Xena's answer was simple. You can't miss what you didn't have as her father had left when she was young.
One memory Xena managed to share sounded more than exciting to Gabrielle. It would be amazing as an adult. But being picked up by one's father as they rode at you on horseback and hugged tightly was beyond anything the bard could even imagine.
That's when their time was interrupted. Xena was off as Atrius was shouting for her. The man was being chased by men. What was happening now?
Gabrielle remained with the girls while Xena was off saving Atrius once again. It was becoming habit forming. The bard only hoped her warrior princess wasn't in any real danger.
Thankfully it wasn't too long before the warrior princess rejoined Gabrielle and the girls. The bard had to ask where Xena was. Seeing a man about a horse was cryptic, but Gabrielle understood.
It could mean Atrius had indeed stolen the horse. Or, shockingly, it meant he hadn't. Since he hadn't lied about the horse, did that mean he was Xena's father? The warrior princess couldn't, it seemed, accept that. Or didn't want to.
Gabrielle held back so that she could hopefully speak with Rhea more. The young woman was terrified of returning home. Why?
There had to be family who was worried about the young girl. It turned out she had a younger sister. Rhea asked that Gabrielle find her sister and tell her Rhea had had no choice and shouldn't feel guilty.
It was beginning to make more sense. Rhea, like Gabrielle had attempted to do not that long ago, had offered herself so that others could go free. For Rhea, it was specifically her sister, who was to be married in the spring.
As convincingly as she could, Gabrielle informed Rhea her family and the villagers would understand. They would welcome her back. But the young woman would not believe her. The bard only hoped her final words of allowing an evil man to ruin her life, even after finding her freedom, would change her mind.
Gabrielle wasn't fast enough once Xena took off. By the time the bard caught up with the latest conflict, she couldn't believe her eyes. The warrior was on his back begging for his life. Atrius didn't hesitate in running him through. Worse were his words. No remorse.
There had not been a knife. Gabrielle was a hundred percent certain of that. Yet, there it was. Xena attempted to reassure her that everyone makes mistakes, but the bard knew what she had seen.
Was Xena's comment as much for herself as it was for her bard? Gabrielle wondered if her warrior princess was beginning to believe Atrius was her father.
If Atrius truly was Xena's father, Gabrielle would be amiss if she didn't allow the two to reconnect. Alone. After all, Atrius informed her he wouldn't remain after the girls were safe. Because he didn't want to come between the duo.
Was she all right? Gabrielle was far from all right. If she were the true friend she claimed to be, she would allow father and daughter to reconnect.
Would it be forever? Gabrielle would most likely trail the pair. Her love for Xena would never die. She would miss the adventures they shared together and that inspired her scrolls.
In that moment, Gabrielle truly understood what Rhea had been thinking. Why she was so tentative to return home. If you love someone, sometimes leaving them is the best thing for everyone involved.
Saying goodbye was the most difficult thing in the world. For once, Gabrielle wasn't certain she would ever see her warrior princess after everything was settled. In fact, she knew she wouldn't. Once Kirilus and his men were neutralized, the bard would begin traveling.
Where would she go? Gabrielle could visit her family. She never did get to see mother and father the last time. Lila would love to see her. But she couldn't stay, that was for certain.
Where, other than by Xena's side, could be home? As she guided the young women, she began to realize there was nowhere. The closest, maybe, would be with her sister Amazons.
At least Gabrielle could continue with learning her staff. Maybe she could learn other weapons. The great thing about the Amazons, it wasn't only war they were taught. She could study and continue to be a bard.
The reunion between sisters was touching. There was no need to thank the bard. Gabrielle maintained her thoughts in that Rhea had done the right thing. And so had she.
Gabrielle didn't know how it had happened. She knew Atrius was guilty and waiting punishment. But when had he been beaten so badly?
The army was on its way. Xena was at the head of it. There was little resistance, other than the bard. Chaos was surrounding her. The worse? Watching as her warrior princess was telling them to kill'em all.
Standing up to a ruthless warlord was never easy. But when it was your best friend and the person you were in love with, it was the most difficult thing in the world.
But Xena had taught her how to do just that. Gabrielle wasn't as strong. She wasn't as knowledgeable. But there was one thing the bard hoped would snap her friend out of the warrior haze she was caught in.
The blow to Xena's back had its desired effect. It took a moment for the warrior princess to realize exactly what was happening.
It was terrifying how Atrius suddenly came to life. What was happening? Ares. They'd only had one other encounter with the God of War. Gabrielle had not seen or heard him. It was unsettling to watch him morph from Atrius to his Godlike form.
Watching as Ares toyed with Xena angered Gabrielle. Weren't mortals given free will? The God of War continued to tempt the warrior princess to return to her old ways.
One way Ares made sense was how he was a father to Xena. He had taught her the ways of a warrior. He had taught her how to use that anger to destroy everything. So in a way, the God of War was the warrior princess' father.
Hearing Xena say she would rather be dead than join Ares nearly caused Gabrielle to be physically ill. It also made her proud. But the end result was something the bard would have difficulty recovering from. If she ever did.
Gabrielle wanted to jump between Xena and Ares. But she knew this was something her warrior princess had to do on her own. Thankfully, the God of War was only bluffing. But would he always be bluffing?
Finally, the villagers were settled. The army was dealt with. It meant it was time to travel together. As Xena spoke about being bound closer than blood, this was the moment.
The bard should have followed through on her promise to say something. But after nearly leaving Xena, Gabrielle couldn't bring herself to say anything more than she agreed.
Xena owed her one? That was a terrifying thought. And yet, it meant they would be traveling together for quite some time. While Ares had attempted to separate the two, he had brought them closer together.
Gabrielle now understood, better than she ever had. The bard was just as important in the scheme of things. Why? How? If Ares, God of War, wanted to separate her from the warrior princess, it meant Gabrielle was the one keeping Xena on her current path. Which was to fight for the greater good.
Now all Gabrielle had to do was remember that the next time someone attempted to divide the two. Instead of giving in so easily, she needed to talk to Xena. To make certain they were both thinking along the same lines. And one day soon tell her she was in love with her.
()()()()()()()()()()()()()
There was always an ache to her stomach whenever Xena heard screams such as the ones that had brought them to the trees. The camp was in a strategically negative place as anyone could observe, without being seen.
Slavery. It was one thing Xena hated with a passion. Even in her warlord days, she was hesitant to sell innocents into anything so heinous. Even Satrine was never her slave. She had merely clung on. Why? The warrior princess was uncertain.
The memory of seeing Gabrielle and her fellow villagers being herded to be sold as property fueled the warrior princess when she heard the cries of the young girls. Xena would make certain they would not find out what it could mean to be a slave.
Twenty men? Was that all? If Xena were to put her mind to it, she could defeat an army. But she would do it wisely. Unlike the man who was recklessly charging.
Xena didn't wait for Gabrielle. It was easy to catch up to the old man. He was already injured when she made it to him. It was a struggle to convince the man he needed to leave before he was killed.
In fact, the man didn't want to be treated. If Xena hadn't interfered, the man would have been killed. What was it with old warriors and not knowing their limits?
Gabrielle instantly was showing the man concern. But at the mention of her name, the man acted as if he knew her. More than that, he claimed to be her father. A man who ran out on her mother and two brothers.
From what little she remembered and tiny bits of information her mother would share, Xena knew this man could not be her father. He was selfish and never would have placed himself on the line for the likes of innocents.
As they walked away from the man, Gabrielle had to ask. Was the man named Atrius her father? Xena would never believe that. She couldn't.
It was time to preoccupy herself. A good fight always seemed to do just that for the warrior princess. Xena made certain they wouldn't be followed, at least for the foreseeable future.
Her first instincts were to discover where Gabrielle was. After telling the girls to hide in the woods, Xena made a beeline for her bard.
It would be a long walk to Locia with so many innocents. Especially if one of those girls wasn't so certain about returning. There was the fact the man who claimed to be her father wasn't too far away.
In fact, the man was offering a second horse. While it would make things a little easier, there was no need. They could make do with walking and taking breaks.
How could the man prove anything to her? Xena wasn't naïve. She wouldn't take anything on face value. The fact he had helped save Gabrielle and the others was a start. But he was not her father.
The impatience was showing as Xena hummed. She practically snapped when she asked her bard if the girls were ready. Where was the strange man? The warrior princess didn't know. In some ways, didn't care.
Tough growing up without a father? Would it have made a difference? Xena wasn't so sure. Her mother had done an amazing job, especially with the natural energy she had.
Her father had left when she was so little, he didn't mean much to her. Even the idea of a father didn't mean much. There was one memory Gabrielle's questions were causing to emerge.
Xena could almost feel how it had felt to stand so still in the field. There was something so dangerous and wild about having her father charging at her as he rode his horse.
It was exhilarating as her father would hold her tight as they rode at a full gallop. Xena hated to admit it, but before her father left, she did think he was the most amazing man in the known world.
The warrior princess was abruptly brought out of her memories by the shouts of Atrius. Once again, Xena was fighting to save the man who claimed to be her father.
Why? Yes, they could use another horse. But it wasn't worth the aggravation of wasting energy on yet another fight. Especially if it was for a stolen horse.
Why couldn't Xena believe Atrius was speaking the truth? Easy. If he was her father, he had run out on her a long time ago and deserved no respect.
Though the claim of not being the same man was oh so familiar. Wasn't Xena attempting to prove she wasn't the same old ruthless warlord she'd been for how many seasons?
Something caused Xena to want to know. There was something there to the claims that Atrius was her father. How would he have known about the story she had shared with Gabrielle otherwise?
So, Atrius had been telling the truth. Though he might not have gone about collecting on the debt of a horse, he had been owed one.
It was the first thing Gabrielle asked as she returned. Xena had been seeing a man about a horse. No, Atrius hadn't been lying. As torn as she was, the warrior princess could not bring herself to admit Atrius was her father.
Yet, as Xena listened to Atrius hum, she had to admit to feeling a connection. As he spoke of her mother, she could remember those times they shared so clearly. Wasn't she like him in the fact no place was home, not truly. It was traveling and discovering the next adventure?
Anything Xena wanted to tell him about her life? She knew he had to have heard the tales. The ones where she was attempting to rule as much of the land as possible. But what about the latest tales? The ones Gabrielle was making famous.
Her instincts didn't fail her. Xena sensed the assassin. She definitely wasn't that easy to kill. Her own men had made her run The Gauntlet, yet she was standing here stronger than ever.
How long was Xena gone? The man who had attempted to kill her was now dead. Atrius was calmly cleaning his sword. Gabrielle was stuttering as she attempted to tell the warrior princess she didn't see the dagger. That from the bard's point of view, it had been murder, not self-defense.
It was in that moment that Xena was finally able to admit Atrius was her father. It was how she could so casually say everyone makes mistakes, even her. Gabrielle might take it as something from her past, but it was because of her own self-doubt.
There was something more to what Gabrielle was attempting to say, other than it would be easier for her and the girls to head to the village, while Xena and Atrius make certain Kirilus and his men never made it to the village.
Xena paused when she heard the goodbye. Gabrielle hadn't meant for her to hear it. Curse her better than average hearing. Her bard was planning something. Was it leaving the warrior princess alone with her father?
As they traveled side by side, Xena finally had to come to terms with the fact her father might not realize her past. It was nearly too easy when he accepted what she had said. That it had made her the woman she was today. While true, how could anyone accept that? Unless…
The rest of the men were on their way to the village. Xena had to hurry. Gabrielle would be there to help, but she needed to be there to protect those that couldn't.
So Atrius had a past as well. That was probably one reason he so easily accepted the fact Xena was attempting to change. For now, it didn't matter what he had done. What mattered was making certain the village was safe.
It wasn't long before they were in the tavern. It was clear, no one was happy to see Atrius. What exactly had the man done? Raze the village? That couldn't be true.
Fool me once…Xena knew once fooled, especially if there was death and destruction, the villagers would never believe Atrius had changed. It was up to the warrior princess to stop Kirilus herself.
It was almost too easy when a warlord looked forward to facing Xena. Why? Because they wanted to be the one who conquered the warrior princess. Especially when Kirilus asked how she wanted to die.
Throwing a knife as Xena was unarmed was exactly how unsporting she figured Kirilus would be. It wasn't her best fight, but in the end, the warrior princess had control of Kirilus' army.
The calls of her name brought back memories. There was a part of Xena that missed having control over men who would do anything for her. For now, she was able to maintain control. But she could feel herself slipping into that haze.
The sight of Atrius, no her father, strung up like that was what caused Xena's tentative hold on remaining true to fighting for the greater good snap. It was easy to give the command to take the village.
Just because he had attempted to escape, it meant the elder could string up her father. Instantly, Xena was by her father's side. She was cradling his head in her lap. As she held him, he took his last breath.
With his last words, something snapped inside. Xena had wanted to be with her father, once she had accepted him as that. Her response to losing him? Kill them all!
Someone was in her way. A familiar voice was attempting to penetrate the haze. Xena wouldn't allow anything to get in her way of seeking revenge for her father's death.
The name Draco…The way Xena was acting…Was it the same? No. It was because these people tortured and killed her father. They deserved all the punishment they received.
That's when Xena felt it. It wasn't so much painful, though it did hurt. The blow to her back caused the warrior princess the ability to truly see what was happening.
There were how many innocent villagers fearing for their lives. All because Xena was supposedly attempting to avenge her father's death.
Suddenly, Atrius was alive. He was asking why she wasn't going to avenge his death. Where was the anger? Where was the drive? Together they could kill them all!
Fight for him? In that moment, Xena knew. It was never her father. Once again, Ares was attempting to bring her back into the fold. He had tapped into her rage that was always bubbling just below the surface.
While saying it, Xena knew Ares would never give up on her. She was his ultimate warrior. The one who had it all. But she could never follow him again. There was too much she could do for the greater good.
No, Ares was not her father. Even with his analogy, he would never be her father. He had guided her, true, but a true father doesn't cause you to hate. To want you to kill.
Xena stood unarmed after a brief fight. Though Ares raged on, she knew he could never run her through. Gabrielle, on the other hand, was in danger if she attempted to save her.
There was so much to process. The moment Ares disappeared, Xena had to face what she had done. The biggest thing was making certain Gabrielle knew how she felt, at least on a certain level.
The fact the warrior princess was in love with her bard would remained hidden. But informing Gabrielle she was her family, that was as easy as breathing.
Once again, there was a little levity as they made their way out of the village and onto the next adventure. Gabrielle had learned from the best. And Xena owed her one.
()()()()()()()()()()()()()
Where to go from here? Once again, there had been some levity between the friends in an attempt to not speak about how Xena's actions had affected them.
But it wasn't only that. It was also the fact that Gabrielle had been willing to leave so that Xena could travel with her father. In a way, she would make nearly the ultimate sacrifice.
Xena was upon Argo. Gabrielle had insisted on walking. For once, she wasn't beside the warrior princess. The bard was several paces behind her.
Why was it every time they made strides in their relationship something else transpired that would negate those strides?
All the warrior princess wanted was to wrap her bard in her arms. To lay the groundwork so that one day she could make love to her.
If Xena were honest with herself, it would be the first time she had ever truly made love with someone. The closest would have been Marcus, but even then there was something to be gained.
Not with Gabrielle. There was no purer spirit in the known world than her bard. It wasn't about whether or not the bard was chaste or had harmed another. It was about her very soul. What made her who she was.
Why was Gabrielle following so far behind? Because she was once again contemplating her relationship with Xena. Why had she so easily been convinced to leave her warrior princess?
One could say it was because Gabrielle was in love with Xena. That she would do anything, just to see her smile. If there had been a chance her warrior princess could be happy, even for a short while without the bard by her side, it would have been worth the pain of separation.
But for how long? Gabrielle had vowed to express her emotions the first chance there was. But would there ever be that chance? They spent a majority of their time by a campfire, alone, but it never felt right.
Why would Gabrielle have to wait until they were in an inn? Why couldn't she open up while they were on the road together? Especially since it was becoming more and more difficult to hide the depth of her emotions.
Xena was exhausted. It was, as always, more trying when it came to dealing with emotions. It would be an early camp tonight. And hopefully, she would be able to speak to Gabrielle about the two things haunting her.
To Xena's surprise, it was her bard who spotted the creek. It might not have any fish, but the warrior princess could always hunt other game. She watched as her bard began scooping the water to drink.
Gabrielle began to wash her feet. It reminded her of when Xena had been placed on trial for killing innocent villagers. Villagers Ares had killed. This was another moment of confusion and pain caused by The God of War.
While she was to blame, Xena wondered how many more times Ares would interfere. How many more times she would have to tell him no. What made her so special? Why was there not another he could seduce?
"I'm sorry." The words were out before Xena realized what she was saying. Why was she sorry this time? "And before you ask why, it's because of Ares."
Gabrielle slowly rose from the creek. The water was lukewarm. But after walking for how long escorting the girls back to their village and then distancing herself from Xena, it had felt heavenly on her feet.
"Why should you apologize for his actions?" Gabrielle slowly made her way toward her warrior princess. "He's a god. He thinks he can get away with anything he wants. Including pretending to be your father so you will blindly follow him."
"And you nearly walked away when you thought it would be best for me and my so-called father." Xena knew she had to tread lightly. It was a sensitive subject, either of them leaving.
The bard could not look Xena in the eyes. Gabrielle had thought she had hid it well. But she knew she had to say something. "You do what you can to make the person you're in love with happy."
Xena hesitated in responding. She had literally dreamed of this moment. She had already experienced it, but her bard had forgotten how it was the warrior princess who had confessed her love only for her to forget.
"I shouldn't have said it." Gabrielle turned toward the creek. It wouldn't soothe her aching heart or absorb the tears that were already starting to fall.
The warrior princess didn't hesitate in doing one of her flips. Xena landed in the creek, unfortunately splashing her bard. "If it's how you feel, you should have said it. Just like I did tell you how I feel. Only for you to have an accident and forget."
Emerald eyes blinked several times. Gabrielle remembered the accident she thought Xena was referring to. She thought her warrior princess had spoken so lovingly to her. Yet, she could not recall those words.
"It must have hurt when I couldn't remember." Gabrielle was now crying for a different reason. "It's hurt for a long time not being able to tell you how I felt. That I love you like I've never loved anyone before."
"And I now know what love is like for the very first time in my life." Xena was shaking as she reached out to place a stray hair of her bard's hair behind her ear. "I had the love of my brother and mother, but nothing prepared me for how I feel about you. Or what I feel from you."
Gabrielle couldn't help laughing. "And I thought I was the bard." The bard collapsed into her warrior princess' awaiting arms.
Xena merely held her bard for the longest of moments. There was the primal part of her that wanted to pick up Gabrielle and consummate the newest part of their relationship.
But was Gabrielle ready for the physical side? For that matter, was Xena ready for the physical side? Too many lovers but never once having made love. It was enough to terrify even the warrior princess herself.