Chapter Twenty

Truths

Not surprisingly, I was a little worried about talking to Kai alone.

Rick had offered to come, of course, but I felt he would only complicate things. Not only would the issues of love and honor come into play, but I was painfully aware that he also might lose his temper again, being that he was too focused on his own personal agenda against the other man. I expected to keep Kai in relatively one piece which I couldn't guarantee with his rival hovering beside me.

Not to mention, I wasn't as weak as I was in the beginning.

Though the years had been long and, at times, unbearable, I had become a confident woman in my own right. To be honest, I was feeling more than alive at that moment since I felt every emotion coursing through my body from apprehension to relief.

I knew it was necessary for me to explain what had gone on in the past sixteen years since Kai'd been away. Well... at least the points which concerned his son. I wasn't about to try and justify my decision to be with Rick because I felt it didn't really concern either man at the moment. My personal relationships weren't the pressing matter right now while my child and his possible future were at stake, and I wasn't going to be distracted by anyone's affections for me or mine for them.

Lance was the one I was worried about.

When I arrived at the inn, I wasn't surprised to find Kai waiting for me. He was resting comfortably at the bottom of the stairs, but once he saw me come in, he glanced up at me and proceeded to lift himself in a somewhat graceful manner. I couldn't stop myself from feeling rather sorry for him during his struggle to stand upright. After all, what had been such a lively, young man in the past was now crippled, and it pained me even more to see how he had aged far beyond his years. Even when it was forced, though, the smile he flashed me had the same warmth it did so long ago.

"How about we go for a walk?" he offered as if we were nothing more than two old friends who just happened to be seeing one another after a long separation. I raised an eyebrow given his physical condition, and realizing my concern, his face fell slightly. It was then he sighed and assured me, "I just need to get out of this place for a while... So don't worry about me, Claire." I only nodded solemnly in understanding, and he hobbled out ahead of me into the surprisingly warm autumn air.

Kai and I made our way through town at a slow, easy pace in a strangely calming silence. I actually made an inner prayer of thanks to the Goddess that very few people would be strolling around town during the mid-morning hours. Although we weren't really a what I would consider to be a 'couple' any longer, he was still my husband by law, and I wasn't in the mood for gossip. I was also firmly against anyone making light of his current state. I simply wouldn't tolerate someone talking down to him for it, whether I was there to defend him or not.

Maybe things weren't like how they used to be, but I still felt something for the man at my side. While it certainly wasn't love, I couldn't really say it was hate,either. It simply was, I suppose... and that was more than enough for me.

Like his son the night before, the traveler had brought us to the beach which wasn't unexpected by any means. I wondered if he had bothered to come here until now, yet I soon understood that it may have well been impossible for him to.

His crutch sank deep into the sand with every step he took, and I could see the frustration clearly written on his face. He would simply steady himself with his good leg and pull the prop out for the next step. However, when I went to help him, he only shrugged me off. I didn't hear what he said to me since he muttered it under his breath, but I was sure it was anything but kind.

At last, we'd found ourselves standing in front of the Snack Shack, and I felt my chest tighten as I glanced over at Kai. His tired eyes were brimming with tears which were already beginning to spill over his sunken cheeks. It was then he caught me watching his pitiful display of remorse, and with an embarrassed chuckle, he started to untie his bandanna to wipe away the droplets that had fallen. "Can I see her again?" he pleaded with me bashfully while he ran his slender fingers through his salt and peppered hair.

"Of course," I replied, pulling the key out of my front pocket. He smiled weakly to see that I had always kept it right over my heart, but he didn't say a word if only because he had most likely already accepted it would never unlock the feelings for him that I'd shut away so long ago. As the screen door swung open, though, I heard his breath catch in his throat. "Is she in good shape?" I asked eagerly, secretly wanting his approval, as he tottered inside.

Running his free hand lovingly over the counter, he couldn't hide his cheeky grin, and I actually felt my heart jump to see it.

"Goddess, Claire... She's beautiful..." he agreed, his voice cracking. I had to admit that I was proud of myself for deciding to fix her up ten years prior to his return, yet I also felt another distinct emotion rising up in my chest. While he made his way over to the small kitchen, he touched every single object that had once belonged to him with affectionate tenderness, and I wondered what could be running through his mind right then. It was only then that suddenly realized what I'd been feeling for the poor man...

It was pity.

Yes, while there was definitely a part of me that was angry with him for leaving me for all those years, I could still pity him for what had happened. He'd left behind so much more than just me since I was only a part of his life for eight years. The Snack Shack was the business he'd put up when he first began visiting Mineral Town during the summer season, and before I'd come into the picture, he had worked here tirelessly for three years. It was his baby in a sense... ironic though it was.

"Kai..." I began quietly, not really wanting to disturb him in his moment of fond remembrances. He turned to face me, and I caught him blushing apologetically. He hadn't meant to drift off into his own thoughts which was something I hadn't really planned on doing myself. I had a mission as a mother, after all. "It's about Lance..."

He sighed heavily and made his way back around the counter before he managed to lift himself up onto a stool. I waited for him to reply, but Kai only tipped his head back as if he were contemplating something. Finally, he mumbled, "I just can't believe I'm a father..."

I merely nodded as I took up a seat myself, and with me at his side, he chose to continue. "I mean... I have a son that... that I didn't even know I had. I know he's mine... That's obvious. But when..." Lifting his head again, he gazed into my eyes while his own shone with the same hurt and confusion I'd seen in his son's the day before. "Why didn't you tell me you were pregnant? I wouldn't have left if-"

"Because I didn't know," I admitted truthfully. Although I had never thought on it much at the time, I found it rather strange that I hadn't suffered from the usual ailments in the first season of my pregnancy, and I had to be the only woman on earth that would've wished it upon herself as well. Maybe I could've kept my once wayward husband home for a good while longer, yet something told me he would've left at one point or another. It would've only prolonged the pain in the end. "I found out after you were already gone, and," I added firmly, "it wasn't like you ever wrote to me so I could find your address to tell you."

"Yeah," he agreed with a half-hearted chuckle, accepting his defeat as gracefully as he could manage. "I know..."

I thought about pressing further on the subject, but I decided it was better to leave it for the time being. I could always bring it up at another time, after all. "He really admires you," I assured him. "Lance was always asking about you... even when he was little, and-"

"Who gave him that bandanna?" he asked rather suddenly, gesturing to his own. Of course he would want to know that since it was probably what drove the truth right on home. It wasn't as though it was an easy characteristic he could just shrug off when it was an obvious choice of headgear for his own son, and I knew he'd have to ask sooner or later. He may have been away for over a decade, but I still knew him well enough to expect these things.

"Popuri did," I explained matter of factly with a knowing smile. Kai slapped his hand to his forehead and rolled his eyes. Most likely he had assumed it was just an extension of her seemingly endless love for him, but I wasn't sure if I should be the one to break to him that that was no longer the case. A lot had changed since he had left the small town for what everyone had assumed to be for good. I chose to leave it up to him to find out for himself in the end.

"And why was it yellow?" he continued which actually stupefied me a bit. I felt my own cheeks warm as I reconsidered my previous, rather delirious attempts to make them appear as opposites, and I argued with myself on whether or not I should share my reasoning with him. "I mean, it's that a little too well planned that his name is Lance and he wears a yellow bandanna around."

Count on this man to be the one to know exactly how all the pieces fit together.

"Oh for Goddess' sake, Kai," I moaned in both agony and defeat, turning myself around on the stool to face the kitchen wall. I rested my elbows on the counter and buried my face into my hands. I really didn't feel like talking about my nervous break-downs and the anxiety attacks which had plagued my life up until this point. I doubted I would ever be comfortable with that... weaker, more vulnerable side of myself. Of course, it wasn't as if I was trying to deny all those feelings. Even the way I was becoming had been influenced by what I was then, and there was no avoiding it as a part of the truth. "I really did miss you," I confessed sheepishly, not willing to meet his unwavering gaze.

"Then-"

"Not now, I came to see you today about your son," I reminded him quickly. I couldn't help but notice him flinch slightly at the mention that he was, in fact, a father now despite that he had just come to realize it for himself. I figured I was being fair, though, since I'd done more than fair share of the parental duties over the time in his absence. "You see..." I began with some understandable hesitancy in my voice. "Remember when I said Lance asked about you?"

"Yeah," he agreed with a short nod while he leaned back onto the counter, nearly losing his balance in the process. "Doesn't surprise me... He and Rick really don't look alike." I winced to hear him say it, but it was more because I heard the tinge of jealousy in the man's voice concerning his rival.

"Well, that's true, but it's not that he asked about you that's the problem." This was an unfortunate turn of events though I had been ready for it. Therefore, I had the perfect explanation for him to relieve some of my own guilt. "He asked me why you weren't around, and..." Glancing up to meet Kai's warm, brown eyes, I actually felt my heart skip once again. He was gazing at me tenderly as if he already knew what I had told the child, yet I still felt the need to admit to it. "I had told him you... had passed away."

Although I had said it as kindly as I could manage, I found I regretted it as soon as I uttered the words. The hurt was clearly written on the man's face, and I knew I was the one to blame for putting it there. He was already worse for wear which meant I had aged him even further, and an uncomfortable silence had fallen between us in the old restaurant where we had once shared so many laughs together.

Goddess... it seemed so long ago that we were lovers. If only there was a way that the happiness that had begun here could've lasted. What I would've have given for at least one more day feeling the bliss I had back then...

"I don't blame you for putting it that way," he assured me with a small smile. "I did disappear without a word..." There was a ring of regret in his voice as he admitted to his own fault, and I found myself feeling a bit sorry for him. Here he was, with a body that had all but given up at him and a wife who had moved on to another man, thinking back on what could've and perhaps should've been while he sat in a place that no longer felt like his own. The way his tired eyes scanned over the small room saddened me all the more. "Goddess, how everything's changed..." he marveled, shaking his head in despair.

"What happened?" I pleaded, despite my best efforts not to. I wanted him to tell me why he hadn't returned. While he had offered that the reason was connected to his missing limb, I couldn't make any sense of it. Did he honestly believe I was so shallow that I wouldn't be able to see beyond his physical disability, or was it that it he didn't want me to feel responsible for his needs? He used to be so open about things with me, and so I was at a loss for what could've possibly been keeping him away for all these years.

"Let's not talk about it," he replied with a wave of his hand. "So I see you've been keeping her in good shape," he praised me while he gestured to the Snack Shack's white walls. Neither one of us had ever managed to understand Gotz's dislike for it, and it had apparently baffled many of the other locals as well... Regardless, I wasn't there to discuss tastes in paint colors.

"Don't try and change the subject," I muttered crossly. "Just tell me why..." I tried to appear as though I was firm in my conviction. However, given his sorrowful, downcast expression, I wished I had let the matter drop for the time being. Even so, it was far too late for me to take it back, and I had to accept that I had gone and asked for the impossible for that moment. I knew he wouldn't tell me until he felt he was ready to give that part of himself to me. I decided I could wait.

After all, I'd been waiting for that answer from not one, but two men for sixteen years, hadn't I?

"Not now, Claire," he sighed, resting a hand on the stump. He caught the hint of disappointment in my eyes, and so he offered me one of his signature smiles. It was the kind of grin that melted a girl's heart right before she shared a kiss with the man who wore it. Although I told myself that my heart had moved on, and that I clearly wasn't a young girl any longer, I still felt my cheeks warm all the same. He chuckling knowingly which only pushed him further. I heard a gasp escape me as his face came closer to my own, yet he quickly drew away with another slight chuckle. It was then I had to ask myself if he'd just been teasing me.

Testing the waters to see if I felt the same way I had when he left me in this place so long ago.

"Charming as always, aren't you?" I grumbled, my face hot and my shoulders rather stiff. I'd admit that he had certainly caught me off guard, but he chuckled nervously like he hadn't expected to be so forward with me, either, considering all that had happened between us... or perhaps it was what hadn't.

"Sorry about that..." he apologized, rubbing the back of his neck shamefully while he did so.

"Kai... you shouldn't play games like that with an old woman's heart," I warned in a mocking tone. Suddenly, I felt his chocolate brown orbs settle on me once again, and something deep within me told me it wasn't a trick of the light when I saw the love for me that still lingered there. It was the same gaze I had seen hidden within Lance's warm eyes while his father was away, in distant lands so far from home.

"You're anything but old, Claire," the traveler assured me as he took my hand in his. Although I could see the hope that continued to flicker in him, I knew I couldn't return those feelings, not anymore. Too much time had passed, and I'd moved on. While he had been gone to who knows where, I had given myself to another, and no matter how much I had felt for him in the past... it had faded away during the years I'd spent living without him. Maybe if he had stayed, we might've had a future. Even so, that possibility was gone now...

And I doubted it was ever there to begin with.

I lifted myself off the stool, more than ready to leave by that time, and placed the key on the counter in front of him which caused him to raise an eyebrow. "She's yours, isn't she?" I asked sincerely. When he continued to stare at me in bewilderment, I added with a forced smile, "You really should get Lance to help you out if you want to open her back up year round. I know that... he'd really appreciate if you tried some of his cooking, too. He's got your talent when it comes to the kitchen." He merely nodded in reply, turning away from me while he held the key up in the air slightly above his head to study it.

As I went to step out the screen door into the autumn air, I glanced back at the broken man, and a single tear had begun to fall down his cheek. I had to force my gaze away from him before I began to cry as well. After all, I didn't want to see the heartache in him any longer.

The heartache of a man who held a key, only to find it could never unlock the heart of the woman he had once loved so dearly.