Notes: This is sort of a summary of Shepard's painful background. In chapter 14 of First Life, following the death of Kaidan Alenko, Shepard paused for a moment of reflection on her life, contemplating her relationship with Liara and past events that she considered failures. She vowed to not repeat those mistakes, and as a reminder to herself so she could never forget, she wrote a list in the very back of her journal... a list of all the people who had died on her watch. You have met them all. This is that list. Labor Day Weekend Bonus!

Names in a Journal

Pulling out her journal and a pen, Shepard sat down to write. She flipped to the last page in the book and started writing names. The list. She started on the last line in the book and worked backwards. That way, the name at the top of the list would always be the freshest pain. If anyone ever picked it up to read, they would travel back in time from Shepard's most current failure to her first.

1. Michael O'Donnell, Officer Training

Officer training had been an experience, and Shepard loved it. For the first time since she had developed biotics, she felt truly accepted. She was surrounded by people who actually considered her a friend instead of looking at her as a freak. Mike was her assigned buddy and they did everything together. There were lots of rumors about them being involved romantically, but they weren't; they were just best friends. Shepard shook her head... they weren't 'just' anything. Mike was less than a year older than her and felt like the big brother she never had. He watched out for her when they went downtown, making sure no guys got overly friendly if Shepard didn't want them to, which was all the time. She was in training and had no time for such distractions. What made them click so well was that Mike wanted the same things she did; he just went about it differently. Shepard was the driving force that kept them on track and Mike was the comic relief that kept them both from taking themselves too seriously. They really did make a good team. Until that day. The day Mike fell from the tower in front of the high wall. Until the day she wasn't there for him when he needed her most.

People wondered why she spent so much time wandering the ship and making sure her crew was doing ok, making sure she was there for them if they needed her help. The reason was simple. Michael.

6. Ellen Fizer, Elysium Infiltrator/Sniper

5. Paul Ryan, Elysium Squad Lead

4. Sandy Mueller, Elysium Sergeant

3. Stu Humphries, Elysium Sergeant

2. Tim Bilyeu, Elysium Engineer

Shepard had been at her new job with the Fleet for only three months, and it was well into her first deployment when they got a break. She and most of the team decided to head down to the Elysium port town of Illyria for a few days of R&R. The team leader and Engineer Operative, Captain Ryan, had reports to finish and also wanted to buy and install some tech upgrades. Their infiltrator was also missing, exuding her normal attitude of 'I work alone.' Most likely, she was also in the markets on the hunt for an upgraded scope or stabilizer, maybe both. That left Shepard, a baby lieutenant engineer fresh out of school named Tim Bilyeu, and two Sergeants, Sandy Mueller and Stu Humphries, to wander the town with nothing but time on their hands.

The first night was great and the second day started out the same, until the damn pirates showed up. Unfortunately, it wasn't a normal raid for weapons and valuables... they came in mass and were actually trying to take the whole colony. Being on leave, the officers had gone dirt-side with only their standard issue pistols and the enlisted troops had nothing. They managed to grab some gear from Port Security and salvage some more from dead pirates, but the battle was bloody and the pirates relentless. When the smoke cleared, Shepard was the only one of her team to survive and emerged from the battle with the nickname 'Hero of Elysium,' the Star of Terra, and an assignment to the Interplanetary Combatives Training course at the Vila Militar in Rio de Janeiro. The only thing of the three she wanted was the last, the slot at N-school. She detested the first two.

People wondered why whenever she went off ship, she went in full armor with weapons on her back. Why it was difficult for her to 'dress down' and relax when they got to the Citadel, or why she didn't go drinking when they stopped at Omega. Why she was always on edge, always ready. The answer was simple. Elysium.

14. Josie McDonough, Theshaca N7 Squad Sniper

13. Donna Degregorio, Theshaca Bravo Soldier

12. Jack Zettle, Theshaca Bravo Engineer

11. Mac Thompson, Theshaca Bravo Lead

10. Buzz Mitchell, Theshaca N7 Squad Soldier

9. Carlton Biggs, Theshaca N7 Squad Adept

8. Stephanie Low, Theshaca Bravo Adept

7. Peter Mackey, Theshaca Shuttle Pilot

Pirates had started striking colonies and taking people as slaves...it was highly irregular, and it had to be stopped. The initial round of the Theshaca raids had been extremely successful and forced the pirates to consolidate their forces into a single last stronghold. It was extremely well defended and the plan was to take a massive strike force against it, composed of multiple squads. The teams planned extensively and everything about the operation was timed perfectly and planned down to the minutest detail. On the day of the operation, Shepard's shuttle pilot performed an unauthorized deviation from the planned route and climbed too high, putting the shuttle into the crosshairs of pirate-controlled antiaircraft guns. The shuttle took a direct hit and plummeted to the ground, resulting in the deaths of eight troops. Shepard blamed herself for not ensuring proper execution of the ingress route. I should have been in the damn co-pilot's chair.

People wondered why she felt the need to go on every mission, monitor progress through every phase of the operation. Why she found it difficult to let herself rest before the mission was complete. The answer was painfully obvious. Theshaca.

21. Jonathan Hills, Agebinium, 2d Fleet RRT

20. Bryan Lemay, Agebinium, 2d Fleet RRT

19. Melissa Thompkins, Mavigon, 2d Fleet RRT

18. Jacob Peterson, Mavigon, 2d Fleet RRT

17. Scott Phillips, Klensal, 2d Fleet RRT

16. Justin Adams, Nonuel, 2d Fleet RRT

15. Vanessa Richards, Sharjila, 2d Fleet RRT

Shepard had stood up the Second Fleet Rapid Response Team and was operating off the SSV New Delhi when pirate activity seemed to surge back to the forefront. The improved tactics and greater effectiveness of the raids made it obvious there was a new leader in town, and she had to figure out a way to deal with the problem. Culver had helped her out over Christmas break and given her a couple of ideas, and it was sooner rather than later that trouble came knocking. Someone had recovered a military probe with a 20-kiloton tactical fusion warhead and Shepard had to retrieve it. In the end it turned out to be a trap set by the new pirate leader, Elanos Haliat, because he held a grudge against the officer who ruined him at Elysium; Samantha Shepard.

The Rapid Response Team avoided the trap but had to get by the pirates to return to their transport and the SSV New Delhi. Not that the idea of a confrontation bothered Shepard; she preferred to not let any of the pirates leave the planet alive anyway but not everyone on the team had the appropriate gear for a stand-up fight. so she came up with a different plan. She engaged the enemy, deliberately as a semi-solo distraction along with some long-range sniper support, while everyone else was supposed to be getting safely into the armored transport. Shepard was focused on the fight and never knew that things had gone wrong. Two of the troops had disobeyed orders and stuck around to join the fight, but their light armor was insufficient protection and they were killed in action. One of them was the brother of Shepard's girlfriend, Nikki Hills. Nikki never forgave her, and it cut Shepard deeply. There were no immediate lessons for Shepard, only pain.

For the next year Shepard shut everyone out, becoming isolated and commanding. She never let anyone get close and she made few friends. She became a ruthless N7 operative, always selected for the toughest missions because she got things done. It got her noticed and she was selected as the executive officer for a new prototype frigate, the SSV Normandy. The Alliance project lead and future ship captain was Captain David Anderson and they worked closely together for a number of months, finalizing operating procedures and crew rosters. Anderson was the exact opposite of the withdrawn Shepard, and under his careful tutelage and mentorship she learned how to deal with the pain of loss and she eventually learned how to trust, how to open up again, and that she was not alone.

23. Kaidan Alenko, Virmire, Normandy SR-1

22. Richard Jenkins, Eden Prime, Normandy SR-1

It certainly didn't hurt that when the Normandy rolled out for her maiden shake-down cruise, she counted amongst her crew David Anderson and Karin Chakwas, who in all practicality were like an uncle and an aunt to Shepard. She was definitely not alone, which was good because the simple shakedown cruise on the Normandy turned out to be anything but. Jenkins was a good soldier but he was young and overeager. On Eden Prime, Shepard had treated him like a seasoned troop, expecting him to know all the hand signals and use good judgment. She had assumed he knew what he was doing and it had gotten him killed. Because of the circumstances, Anderson was forced to move on and Shepard was made a Spectre and given command of the Normandy to chase down Geth and the rogue Spectre Saren.

Then came Alenko on Virmire. It was a damn hard-fought battle and the Geth were everywhere, but the Normandy crew was making a dent. There was still a chance, and then Alenko armed the damn nuke. He figured she wouldn't get to him in time and armed the damn nuke to make sure the mission would be completed. He forced her hand, knowing full well what would happen if the nuke went off when the Normandy was still on the ground. There would be no one left to fight the war. He forced her to abandon him in order to save the rest of the team.

Eleven years of service and twenty three names. Twenty three names too many; twenty three faces who railed against her successes. How much more blood could she take on her hands before she felt like she could no longer wash it all away? How much before it left a permanent stain? Shepard recalled every name without difficulty, and immediately wondered if maybe it was already too late. Shepard put down her pen and closed her diary, ink flowing on paper replaced by silent tears flowing down her cheeks.

As she finished her diary entry, Shepard let go a heavy, unhappy sigh and was somewhat startled by Liara softly calling her name. A blue hand landed and softly caressed her shoulder. Shepard wiped away her tears and faced the Asari but was unable to give voice to all her demons, instead only telling Liara she was thinking about Kaidan. Liara spoke kind words about the Lieutenant as she turned Samantha's chair and started to massage her shoulders in earnest, providing comfort and solace to the grieving commander. Samantha's eyes drifted closed and she swallowed her tears; she was definitely not alone.