I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

The rail guard came down, and like always I was drowning in a sea of thoughts and worries. It had been another long day at work, this time due to the fact that we were down two of our best guys. Murphy and Garcia had gotten their notice. They'd both been drafted.

Outside of my own world of change and challenges was a war that was going on in a jungle a world away. I'd seen the headlines; boys and men being returned to their families in wooden boxes along with a flag, as if that flag could somehow erase the loss. I'd managed to ignore it all until now. Now it was real; it was something I could put a name to, something tangible that I could touch. It was something I could wonder about. Something I could worry about. What if it happens to me?

Murphy and Garcia weren't what I would call good friends, but we'd spent many an hour on the rooftops of Tulsa getting to know one another. They were good, hard working men, not much older than I was, who were in the same boat as me. They were just trying to make a living to support their families before the government ripped them away to fight in a war that made no sense. The news was that the death toll was rising, and the more soldiers that were killed over in the jungles of Vietnam, meant the more soldiers were needed to replenish the lost numbers. The government was now picking guys off the street to send them on over to boot camps, and then across the world to either kill or be killed. I prayed that Murphy and Garcia would come back in one piece.

I wondered if fate would rear its cruel head my way once more and have Uncle Sam pull my own name in that draft. Surely God knew as well as I did, that my family couldn't take another hit. We'd done our part in this journey called life; we'd lost our share and it was somebody else's turn. The thought startled me; I hadn't realized I'd turned that bitter, but I was still adamant that the Curtis family had made their share of sacrifices. The belief didn't stop me from still feeling a need to prepare, because if life had taught me one thing, it was that it definitely wasn't fair.

I'd started a nest egg for my brothers. It wasn't much, but I'd been saving as much as I could back when I'd been hell bent on finding Campbell and finishing him off. I'd figured my destiny would be played out behind bars where my brothers would need all the help they could get. Now I was wondering if life would provide me with a different kind of life sentence; one I wouldn't have a choice in walking away from.

The horn from the car behind me tore me from my thoughts and I realized the train had passed. I rolled my window down and waved my hand to the car in thanks, and carefully made my way home.

I could feel my mood shift and my own skin felt heavy as the weight of the world stepped upon my shoulders and decided to take a pit stop and stay there. In my head I knew there was no sense in worrying about things I had no control over. I knew that it wasn't logical or sensible to let myself be bogged down with all the what-ifs, but the bigger picture of my life consisted of my two brothers, and whatever happened to one of us, happened to the other two. If I got sent away, I'd have to make sure they'd be okay without me.

I could barely register my surroundings as my thoughts seemed to consume me. It wasn't until I felt something hit the back of my head that I realized I was standing in the kitchen staring at my lunchbox that I'd set on the counter beside the stove. I turned to find both Ponyboy and Sodapop at the kitchen table. Books were open and strewn about looking as though the two of them were studying. I looked down and saw the eraser that was chucked at me.

"Earth to Darry," Soda smirked and had Pony smiling crookedly after him.

"Hi," I smiled tiredly as I bent over to retrieve the eraser, and placed it next to Pony before I sat down heavily in my chair. "What the hell are you two doing?"

"Homework." Ponyboy frowned before his nose was back in his book. I looked at Soda confused.

"Helpin' him with history. This home schoolin' was a good idea. Ya hungry, Darry? It's late. Was wonderin' if you were even gonna make it back." Soda got up from the table to turn on the oven.

"Yeah, long day. Sorry, little buddy. I guess I shoulda called." I frowned as I fought to push back the whole Murphy and Garcia drama from my mind.

"It's okay. I'll heat up supper for you if you wanna get cleaned up?"

"Yes, mother." I answered dryly, but grinned when both of my brothers snorted their amusement. Soda and I were starting to sound like an old married couple.

"History, huh?" I found myself looking on at Ponyboy as he was reading his text book. "Tell me Mr. Universe, what the hell do you know about history?"

Sodapop shrugged. "It's all in the past."

I rolled my eyes as Soda and Pony began chuckling again, and I wondered what the hell was going on. Sodapop was the last person I'd ever expect to see helping anyone with school work. He'd always hated school.

"Sounds like you've got it covered then." I frowned, but Soda just shrugged me off and before my unbelieving eyes, he started helping his brother with his studies.

After supper I found myself staring off as my mind wandered back to the war and I started worrying about the draft again. I figured I'd try and hunker down a bit more to save extra money to put aside for the boys on the chance my name did get picked. I knew that Ponyboy would be in the best of hands if anything ever happened to me, and I knew that Soda was as well because they'd always have each other. There was a lot of comfort in that thought even though the whole idea of going off to war was gnawing at my insides.

"Y'alright?" Soda broke me out of my thoughts when he plunked down beside me on the sofa and slapped my leg.

"Mhmmm." I nodded.

"Somethin' bad happen today? You're awful quiet."

I took a deep breath to speak, but then just let it out in one prolonged sigh before shaking my head. Looking back, I wondered if I should've told my brother what was on my mind; maybe it would've made a difference somehow, but I decided not to. I didn't want him worrying about one more thing when he was already worrying about Ponyboy. So I let it go along with the chance to talk about Vietnam, and how we were going to deal with it if I was forced to go.

"You might get Pony askin' weird questions." Soda commented off handedly as he focused on the television.

"Whadaya mean? What kind of weird questions?"

"Sex. Stuff like that." Soda answered and I felt myself cringe.

I groaned. "Why?"

"Jeeze Louise, Darry!" Soda started laughing at me before throwing an arm around my shoulder and he patted my head in mock sympathy. "It happened."

"What happened?" I pulled away from Soda alarmed, unsure and uncomfortable about where this conversation was headed. "Is he okay? What happened?"

"It happened."

I watched as Sodapop pointed to his crotch with his index finger. The finger was pointing down for a moment before swinging upwards in an erect position, and I clenched my eyes before covering my face in my hands.

"Ughhh," I groaned while Sodapop chuckled at my expense. Our baby brother was now officially a young man.

Sodapop was suddenly quiet and I brought my hands down from my face when I felt him nudge me. Ponyboy had entered the room and was looking at us hesitantly. He didn't say anything, just slowly limped to the couch and slipped in between Soda and I.

"How ya doin' kiddo?" Soda scooted over so Pony would have more room.

It was awkward, but it posed a significant distraction from my looming thoughts of war and having to leave my brothers. I watched Pony closely, and could sense that he was bothered by the changes that were happening to him. I reached up and smoothed his hair gently with my hand.

"You okay, little buddy?"

He frowned while giving a small shrug, then simply slumped over sideways, laying his head down in my lap. I looked over at Sodapop, and his face showed the same concern that I felt for our brother. I played with Pony's hair a bit while Soda bent down to help Pony stretch his legs out over his brother's lap.

"Is something wrong with me?" Pony asked the question he always seemed to ask when he was trying to put together the pieces of who he used to be with who he was now.

"How do you mean, Pony?" I asked, trying to keep him talking.

I knew we couldn't afford to have him shut down. After everything that'd happened to him I wanted Pony to be able to tell us anything, no matter how painful or uncomfortable it was for us to hear and for him to say. My brother wasn't going to slip through the cracks. Through some miracle, he made it through everything that had happened to him. There was no way in hell I was going to lose him now.

"I…" Pony started, but then stopped suddenly to take a deep breath. "I did it with a guy. Does that make me sick?"

"No, Pony…" Soda started, but I cut him off.

"That wasn't sex, Ponyboy." My voice was steady.

The room was silent for a moment except for the television. Pony slowly rolled onto his back and looked up at me. We were going to have the talk, and suddenly I wasn't sure what to say to him. I knew this day would come. I also knew that I wouldn't be prepared.

"What happened to you," I shook my head while I rested my hand on Pony's hair. "It ain't the same thing, kiddo. You dig?"

Ponyboy didn't understand, I could tell the way he was looking at me. How could you physically have been forced to do the act, and at the same time not be doing it? My brother had no idea how wonderful it was to share that kind of closeness with another individual. His first experience was ripped from him by the hands of a sadistic animal. I thought of Beth right then, and wanted so much for my brother to find that sort of connection with someone to help him through.

"But we…"

"There was no 'we' Ponyboy. There was him. He forced you to do those things with him, Pony! Goddammit, he almost killed you!"

"Alright, okay Darry. Let's take it easy." Sodapop's soft voice brought me back. I hadn't realized I was getting worked up.

"I'm sorry," I said quickly before taking a deep breath. "I'm not mad at you."

I felt the need to reiterate that all of my anger and rage over what had happened to my brother, was not his fault. My brother was still blaming himself, still believing everything that was fed to him during those two torturous months.

"It's not your fault, Pony. What happened isn't your fault. I hope that one day you'll believe that and know that."

Pony was quiet for awhile as he stayed stretched out across his brother and I. I could see the confusion on his face as he was thinking things out for himself. Sodapop was watching him carefully while rubbing his feet.

"Whatcha thinkin' about, Pony?" Soda's soft voice cut through the silence.

"Is it scary?"

"Sometimes," Soda smiled. "But not for the same reasons you're thinkin'. Sometimes you get scared about doin' the wrong thing and messin' everything up!"

"Sodapop Curtis," I started, but then just started laughing alongside my brother. I couldn't believe we were actually having this discussion.

"I'm scared," Pony whispered, effectively sobering his brother and I.

"Nothin' to be afraid of, kiddo. Just follow your heart." Sodapop smiled.

"How do you know when it's your heart?"

I smiled at the innocence in my brother's question and ran my hand in his hair. I looked over to Soda and he gave me a wink and a nod. I knew the two of them had had their share of talks; they talked about everything. They were the keepers of each other's secrets; their bond went deeper than blood and DNA. Now it was my turn to share my secrets, something that was out of my comfort zone but I knew my little brother was looking to me for his answers. I was suddenly a part of their pact.

"It's a feeling, Pony. Your heart beats a little faster and a little stronger. It's a feeling in your gut that tells you you're in love."

"You in love with Beth, Darry?" Ponyboy looked up at me.

"Yeah, baby. I'm in love with Beth." I smiled at the realization.

Ponyboy smiled at me before looking at Sodapop, who simply nodded. Pony was quiet again while he took the time he needed to think about what we were talking about, and all that was said. Soda continued to rub his brother's feet until Pony spoke again.

"You think anyone'll ever fall in love with me?"

"Awe, c'mon honey. Of course." Sodapop answered, but Pony was looking at me for my answer.

I looked at him long and hard while my hand held his face. "Anyone would be lucky to have you, little buddy. No matter who they are."