A/N: Umm so its been a serious while!! I'm sorry i have crazy school work and I couldn't figure out what part of the plot needed to happen first after the last chapter, i settled on this. It was the only place for this to happen and its necessary...ehh this chapter is a lot less umm action filled but I'll make it up some way down the road. I love you ALL!! read/review )
--These precious things
Let them bleed
Let them wash away
These precious things
Let them break their hold over me
He said you're a really ugly girl
But I like the way you play
And I died
But I thanked him
Can you believe that
Sick sick
Holding on to his picture—Tori Amos
Since he was 4, Kiba's favorite part of his property has always been the guest house balcony. Its far enough away that his mom won't look for him there but close enough that he can get back home if there is ever any trouble.
And its peaceful. Shockingly enough even Kiba needs peace sometimes. He stares quietly, resting his bruised elbows on the smooth cherry wood rail. It's not as hot today as it has been for the past month. Probably due to the breeze that is gently, although infrequently, blowing through. In his view, Akamaru chases a dragonfly, bounding and prancing through the too tall grass.
He sighs, it does need to be cut. Kiba shifts his weight off his right leg and onto his left, feeling the burn from his training no to long ago.
"Training…chh" he sucks his teeth. He's not even sure why he trains so hard. It feels like he's running in quick sand, like no matter what he does everyone else is always 5 steps ahead of him.
It's maddening. Kiba could train more than Lee and still be a true, honest to lord…dead last.
Lately he's beginning to feel like more of a burden than an asset. He's not sure if it's because Hinata had to save his ass last mission or if it's simply because he's never been a fan of this time of year.
A cloud shifts over the sky, dropping the temperature by view degrees. Taking his eyes off of Akamaru, Kiba stares up at the sky.
Its so strange. He feels so removed lately. Like yesterday at lunch at Neji's, he felt like a stranger. It was as if he had to pretend to be Kiba. Hell, even arguing with Chougi felt so…fake. Last night also happened to be the first night he had to fake an orgasm, which by the way is difficult for a guy. It wasn't as if Shikamaru was any worse than before…he just wasn't in it.
Kiba sighs, shakes his head and rubs his reddened elbows. He feels it, like some big, all consuming, ominous, looming darkness creeping in. Something in his life is getting closer and closer to giving in.
And it scares him. This loneliness, this helplessness, this doubt and self-pity. He hasn't felt this way since…well since a while ago. This isn't the attitude fit for the next clan head. If any of the other Inuzukas saw their next alpha like this…Kiba shudders. It wouldn't end up good.
To his right Kiba feels as low heat emit and smells that small tint of comfort. He doesn't have to look t know its… "Shino, hey." His voice is kinda raspy and he blames it on the fact that he hasn't spoken in a while.
"Kiba." Shino stares forward, frowning at Akamaru who is spitting out a transparent dragonfly wing. "Shino", he smiles, it strains his face, aches a little. "What's wrong with you?" Kiba chuckles a little, Shino is kinda blunt but Kiba likes him this way.
Instead of answering he shrugs. Shino doesn't say anything. There is silence for a while, thoughtful silence. Kiba is still staring at the sky, searching for those hints of blue underneath the thick white.
He can feel Shino's heavy gaze on him. "Kiba." Shino turns, pulling on Kiba by his elbow to get Kiba to face him. Kiba winces but moves anyway.
Shino raises questioning eyebrow. "Training." He nods. "Kiba…" Shino is using the voice. Kiba knows this voice, this I'm searching for the right thing to say voice. "We…I am worried for you. You know….you can always talk to me…I can….will listen."
Kiba blinks, taken back by Shino's words and by his pathetic reflection staring back at him through the tint of Shino's sunglasses. Kiba knows it must have been hard for Shino to do this. He can just see him sitting up all night and day thinking of whether or not he should say anything. Kiba knows that this must have been really hard especially since their last real interaction. Shino is putting himself way out there.
Kiba turns away, rests his elbows back on the rail and looks back up at the sky. He breathes in deeply, making his decision. "Did you know I'm gonna be clan head someday?" Shino nods in affirmation, stares in silent waiting.
"Since the day I was born, ya know. Said I was the best bred Inuzuka in a very long time." Akamaru barks, frightened by the warning buzz of a bee. "My father…" Shino moves closer, its getting harder to hear Kiba over the wind. "My father always resented that Ma was chosen as clan head. He…hated me."
Kiba shuts his eyes for a moment, a flash of a face he has tried so hard to forget emerges. Blondish red hair and a cruel handsome grin. "He always used to argue with Ma about me. And Ma would take my side then he'd get more mad, say how the hell was I ever gonna be an Inuzuka if Ma kept babying me."
Shino moves even closer, his elbows touch Kiba's briefly. "When I was 3 he started beating me. First just like regular ya know. But then it got really bad. Once he choked me with a collar made me run around on my knees against the gravel by the pound. He treated me like I was a failure, he told me I was worthless."
Shino wants to say something, anything but he knows if he interrupts Kiba probably won't start again.
"Anyway, the sick thing is that despite all of that I never hated my Pa. I wanted so bad to make him happy. But then sometime when I was 7 around this week Ma caught him. Beating me with this rod we use for the dogs. She was so mad, it was the first time I had ever saw my Ma cry. I don't really remember what happened, I was so tired. Then the next day he was gone." To the north a birds caws, sharp and piercing.
Kiba chuckles darkly "How pathetic, I can't even remember the exact day of when eh left. But after that for a rally long time Hana hated me and I…" Shino can't hold back his small gasp of surprise. Kiba nods" yeah, she blamed me, thought that if I had never been born things woulda been different with Ma and Pa. She probably still thinks it."
Kiba pauses, holding his hand out towards the sky, spreading his fingers. "That's illogical though. You know that right Kiba?" Kiba shrugs, moves his finger together and separates them again. "I dunno. I'm starting to feel like I really am the worthless cocksucker he said I was."
The clouds shift, the sun begins to shine through. Kiba watches as the rays spill through his hands. He pulls his hand closer to his face, pushes it out and then rests it back on the rail. "Kiba" Shino moves his hand to cover Kiba's. "I'm not sure how much this will mean but to me—you mean more than many things I have in this life and I know you will become a great leader…when the time comes."
Kiba doesn't say anything. He just keeps his face staring upwards, directly into the sun, trying his hardest not to squint. "Its strange, how different the sun looks when you finally see it."
Shino nods skeptically, glances upward "It looks very much the same with sunglasses." Kiba nods in silent agreement. "Yeah? Probably. It feels so…weird. But good." Shino turns and looks at Kiba watching as droplets travel down his cheeks.
He pulls Kiba closer, resting Kiba's head on his shoulders and squeezes his hand a little harder. Kiba just blinks back one tear after the next—as if they aren't even there at all.
--When I'm on will you rescue me?
I watch that telethon
Got hung up on a word, can't get over it, solider
When she says nothing is enough, she doesn't mean don't try to fix it—Emily Haines