A Warm Place
Disclaimer I don't own Yummy Yuki or any Fruits Basket character. Fruits Basket belongs to Takaya Natsuki.
A continuation of the anime series laced with some obsessive hallucinations of mine.
Italics thoughts
XXXXXXX
Yuki ran.
How?
How'd he know?
He had to get away.
He knew!
Kyo, of all people.
All this time, he knew?
Kyo knew.
I thought that he…
His dark, filthy secret.
That I…
He'd probably taunt him with it. Use it against him. Tell the world.
But, it wasn't, they were all lies
He really didn't know why he was running. But, his brain was currently much to frantic to rationalize anything he was doing.
Just like everyone else!
He could've beat up Kyo just as easily, yet the pity in Kyo's eyes…he didn't want to see it anymore.
He was playing with me this whole time.
He rubbed at his eyes, the trees blurring around him as he ran.
I should've known.
His chest burned as the anxiety threatened to incite another attack.
What he would have given to have an asthma attack right now. It would save him this time. Even the agony and the fearful desperation for air would be more welcome than this.
Maybe, if he was lucky, he'd die and no one else would find out.
However, all the medication Hatori had him on, wouldn't allow for one.
Why?
So for now, he ran.
I hate him…
He had to get away.
I hate…
Far away.
I…
XXX
Kyo moved as fast as his legs would carry him. SHIT! What the hell's wrong with me? Son of a…
He moved deeper into the woods, trying to spot his cousin through the trees and the darkening skies.
STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!
There was no time to berate himself for the fatal slip of the tongue, no time to think about anything other than the chase.
That terrified look in Yuki's eyes.
Stop running, bastard! I just want to help. I just want to…
Not that Kyo knew how he would be able to help his cousin, but he followed, putting on more speed.
"STOP!"
Yuki could hear Kyo calling. I won't let him catch me! At that he doubled his pace, trying to outrun his pursuer.
"Stop running!" Kyo yelled, spotting Yuki in the distance, "Kuso Nezumi, Stop!"
He narrowed his eyes, zooming in on the running figure ahead. He grit his teeth and called for every ounce of energy in his body. He focused his mind, regulated his breathing so it synchronized with every throb of his burning muscles. Like a hunter in the midst of the jungle, purging all thoughts and emotions, and focusing on his target.
He would not fail.
Too much was at stake here.
Refusing to come to grips with exactly what was at stake here, he choose only to listen to his mind shouting at him to catch up.
Don't think about anything else, just keep running.
Maybe it worked, maybe it was pure luck, or maybe it was that Yuki wasn't in his best physical form at the time, but Kyo did indeed catch up. The Redhead lunged forward, roughly tackling the other to the hard ground. Yuki gave a yell as he fell, the wind knocked out of him, eyes wide in disbelief and not a little fear.
Kyo wrapped his arms tight around Yuki's legs as the fairer Sohma attempted to get back on his feet.
"LET GO!"
Kyo wouldn't. And every time he opened his mouth to speak, he was silenced by Yuki's knee, elbow or fist.
"GET OFF ME!"
Eventually, he had enough. Snarling, he pulled Yuki down and around, moving faster than ever, pushing the struggling boy down again, locking their legs together to hold him immobile. Finally, he managed to take hold of each of Yuki's wrists in a hand. "Stop it!" Kyo growled, "STOP!"
"LET GO!" Yuki continued to fight, giving Kyo a seething look.
"I'm not going to until you talk to me!" The Jyuunishi cat replied heatedly. What am I saying? Talk?
"I don't want to talk to you, now GET OFF!" Yuki screamed in his cousin's face. He was quickly growing tired, his body refusing to put up enough resistance. "I'm going to break every bone in your body, you stupid cat!"
"You have to talk to someone—" Kyo started, ignoring Yuki's idle threats.
"And I should talk to you of all people? You brag to the world how you hate me and want to beat me all the time and now you want to talk to me?"
"I—"
Yuki went on. "Why should I tell you something you're going to use against me?"
That particular statement hit a nerve and Kyo saw red. He thinks I'd stoop so low as to...just like that damned dog! Kyo's grip on Yuki's wrists tightened unconsciously, "Stop talking shit about me! What kind of person do you think I am?" Yuki stopped struggling momentarily and looked up at his irate cousin, with some surprise. "You think I would ever tell anyone something like this! The only thing I want is to get back at that bastard Akito!"
Yuki found this reaction unexpected, however it didn't change anything. Kyo had tried the same tactic before; the indignant self-righteousness, and the sudden desire to help.
I won't fall for it. I don't want to talk about it! And I certainly don't want his help!
"So, I'm going to hold you here until you talk." The Redhead loosened his grip slightly as he settled over Yuki's thighs, their legs still tangled together, hoping that he'd get something out of the other before his legs fell asleep and Yuki carried out his threats.
He didn't doubt that Yuki would seriously hurt him this time. Between knowing this horrible secret and gaining a semblance of an upper hand for the first time, there would be hell to pay.
He wasn't worried though, not really. Something distracted him from the risk of serious injury.
"I don't want to talk about it. Not with you, not with anyone!" Yuki retorted angrily.
"Are you going to keep moping around? Making Tohru and everyone else worry about you? You're so selfish, Kuso Nezumi!"
"Selfish?" Me?
"Yeah, selfish! Get a grip on yourself. You're so damn emotional!"
"E-emotional! You think I like being like this? How dare you talk to me as if I enjoy being like this?" Yuki's eyes began to burn at the accusation, then narrowed to glare up at Kyo. "You'd never, ever understand what I'm going through. Ever! You're nothing but a stupid outsider and I don't know why I even bother talking to you, you jerk!" How dare he?
"Let me go! You're going to be so sorry, I promise you!" He resumed his effort to get loose in earnest.
"No, wait! I didn't mean that you… Damn. STOP THAT!" Kyo struggled a bit with his cousin, trying to ignore both the guilt and delight he felt at seeing Yuki so hurt by his words, for breaking through Yuki's impassiveness. "You know that I've got the upper hand here, so you better stop fighting and start talking!"
"I. Don't. Want. To. Talk!" Yuki kept trying to pull out of Kyo's grasp.
"I said I didn't mean it like that! I shouldn't have said it that way." Kyo started, looking a little nervous. "Hey, Um. I know that this isn't easy—"
"You don't know anything, Baka Neko!" Yuki spat.
"I know that!" The redhead replied angrily "But, it doesn't mean I can't help!" Maybe this is a good time to shut up, since I don't have a clue on how to help him.
"Help? How can you help me?" Yuki echoed Kyo's thoughts, though much more sarcastically. "You don't know a single thing about me, or anything else for that matter. You're just an idiot! I don't know what made you act the way you did that day at the clinic, but I'm not going to fall for your stupid act. You're probably trying to get me to put my guard down so you can finally beat me!"
"Is-is that what you think? You think I'm doing this just to beat you?" Kyo's voice was slick with hurt. I've had enough of this! People questioning me left and right. Judging me. Even now when I'm trying to-to—
"Cause if I wanted to beat you I'd do it RIGHT NOW WHEN I'VE GOT YOU IN MY GRASP LIKE THE RAT THAT YOU ARE!" And all traces of hurt evaporated and were replaced by full blown fury.
The fair Sohma was unimpressed though, and continued to glare up at his captor. He finally shows his true colors.
Kyo closed his eyes, trying to reign in his rage. I will not hit him I will not hit him…
Maybe he should just walk away, it would be so easy to do just that. Leave that damned ingrate to deal with his own problems since he doesn't seem to need or want my help!
That voice inside his head, the one that made itself known the moment Kyo walked into that clearing, refused to let him though.
It begged him to stay and try again.
Why was he still listening to it?
Here goes nothing.
"I'm not like that." He said, staring his cousin in the eyes, trying to dispel Yuki's suspicion. "I told you that already. I won't take advantage. I'm not a bastard like Akito, who preys on people's weaknesses." He continued in tight voice, "I told you that I wanted to beat Akito… for everybody. And I do know you, I know the bizarre way you think and I'm—"
"You don't know anything!"
"You're always walking around like a zombie, and doing strange stuff! Anybody would figure it out!"
Yuki chuckled morbidly, "I think I got you all figured out, not that there was that much to you!"
"What's that supposed to mean?" Kyo growled. You arrogant shit!
"It means, Baka Neko, that you were acting just like an animal, stalking your prey! Did it make you feel tough? Did you think that I'd fall for your pathetic tricks?"
"You damned ingrate! That's the thanks I get?"
"I didn't ask for your help! When are you going to get that through your thick head?"
"Well, maybe I'm not doing this for you!" Kyo retorted in frustrated anger. "Maybe all I want is some peace of mind! I'm sick and tired of everything revolving around you and everyone talking about you like you're some kind of fragile little girl! Maybe I don't feel like having to reassure Tohru that you're fine every ten minutes, or watch that stupid cow Haru drool over you! Maybe, I don't want you to burn the house down while everyone's asleep!"
I don't want to feel like I let you down. I'm sick of feeling guilty for something I didn't do.
"Burn the house down?" Yuki's eyebrows drew together delicately.
"You waking up in the middle of the night to cook! I saw you that night. When are you going to give up trying anything in the kitchen? Or maybe, you really do want to be a housewife and then of course, no guy would marry you if you couldn't make a decent meal!" Kyo chuckled, waiting for the explosion.
He thinks I was trying to cook? What an Idiot! Normally, Yuki would have jumped at the opportunity to put the Jyuunishi cat and his thinking down, but now, he found it such a relief that he ignored the comments about housewives. He considered the predicament he was in.
How was he going to get away?
Why was Kyo still here? He didn't care, so what was he doing here?
He couldn't care, right?
Kyo wouldn't be fooled by his adversary's uncanny calm. Something isn't right.
He eyed his cousin critically. "Say, what is it?"
"An idiot is holding me down in the middle of nowhere, spouting absurdities! What did you think, Baka Neko?"
"You're hiding something." Kyo continued, suspicion clear in his tone. "What is it?"
"Spare me your antics, Baka Neko, and let me up!" What? How did he…?
"You're not fooling me with that superior act! I can tell you're hiding something!"
"Oh! So the cat finally gets a brain! But even so, you're still a stupid worthless cat!" Yuki retorted, trying to steer the redhead away from the topic through fury. "You'll always be one and—"
"I'm not falling for that!" Kyo barked, "You better tell me what you're hiding, Kuso Nezumi!"
"Or what, Baka neko?"
"I'm going to hold you here until you tell me. Don't underestimate me, I'll do it!"
Yuki's eyes widened for a second before resuming their glaring. What the hell had happened to the previously foolish narrow minded, and self-centered Kyo? Why was he able to pick up on something Yuki worked years to perfect, absolute impenetrability?
He had to piss him off, seriously. "I guess it was only a matter of time before your profanity got the better of you, holding me down like this! Apparently, you never were worried, it was always something else, wasn't it Baka Neko? All this talk about how I look and bad mouthing Haru, Shigure and Niisan when…"
"Now I'm sure you're hiding something! You would never talk about you and me that way. Spill it, Kuso Nezumi!"
"I have nothing to say to you, Baka…"
"SPILL IT!"
"I don't know what you're talking about!" Yuki nearly screamed, frustrated by Kyo's persistence. Just leave me alone, please! Anything but this!
XXX
Tohru headed out to the secret base. "It was so nice of Kyo Kun to volunteer to call Yuki Kun in when it was getting so late! But, why haven't they come in yet?" She wondered out loud. "Maybe Yuki Kun needed some help with his gardening? I hope they're not fighting, they've been getting along so well recently."
Tohru quickened her pace, scanning her surroundings for a sign of the boys.
XXX
"Gonna be stubborn, eh? Fine! Be that way, I'll figure it out myself!" Kyo smirked. Can't be that hard!
"Go ahead, Baka Neko. Make me laugh!" Yuki retorted haughtily. He won't figure it out, he's too stupid. He's too stupid…
"Let's see now." Kyo shifted a bit, trying to keep the blood circulating in his numbing legs. "What was I talking about?" He thought out loud.
"The Baka Neko actually thinking! I never thought I'd see that. What a useless brainless cat!"
Kyo glared down at his cousin, trying not to react to the insults. Don't let him get to you…don't let him get to you…
"Oh yeah! I was talking about cooking…"
Yuki could only watch in horror, hoping that it didn't show on his face. He opened his mouth to speak, but his drying throat wouldn't let the words out. His mind froze with dread and everything seemed to be happening in slow motion.
"But you weren't cooking, were you? You said so yourself! So what were you doing then?"
Yuki could feel the blood rush to his ears…
"With cutlery…"
His heart hammering harder…
"…in the middle of the night?"
Tears of frustration began to well up in wide violet eyes.
Kyo was stunned at the nervousness reflected in his cousin's eyes and he knew he was on to something. Arrogant bastard, I'll show him. Trying to hide god knows what from me! Something inside him rejoiced at being the cause of such a reaction out of the usually composed Sohma.
He looks shit scared! What could be worse than me finding out he was raped?
Something else warned Kyo that another secret would be too much for him, maybe it was better not knowing anything else. Yet, stubbornness and macho pride superceded everything. This was his chance to prove to Yuki that he wasn't stupid, that he would not be dismissed.
Kyo strained his memory; all while Yuki recommenced his efforts to get loose. "Stop. Stop it!" Kyo said absently. Cutlery? What could be so bad about a bunch of spoons and knives?
XXX
The base was abandoned. Tohru looked around in confusion. Where could they be?
She decided to look further ahead. As she walked, she could hear voices in the distance. Focusing on the sounds, she recognized Yuki's and Kyo's. A wide smile adorned her face as she hurried over, the voices becoming clearer with each step.
XXX
…knives?
Kyo's fuzzy vision suddenly focused as he felt his heart stop beating for an impossibly long moment.
KNIVES?
"Oh my god!" The redhead looked down at his now teary-eyed captive, "Y-you. You were…!"
Yuki met his cousin's stunned eyes, trying to hold his tears back, his head shaking slightly in a 'no' motion.
It was all the proof Kyo needed.
BASTARD!
"You were going to kill yourself!"
"No! I-I wasn't, I swear!" Yuki retorted, flustered. I wasn't!
"You bastard! How dare you try to kill yourself?" He shook his cousin roughly. How dare you even think about it?
"I said I wasn't going to!" Yuki replied heatedly.
"Then why'd you hide the knife?"
"Because, I knew that you'd think something like that!"
He didn't deny it!
"YOUR'E EVEN STUPIDER THAN I THOUGHT! SUICIDE?" Kyo shouted.
XXX
Tohru froze in mid step; smile stupidly plastered on her face.
What?
XXX
"It's not like that!" Yuki snapped, "You don't know what you're talking about!" I wasn't!
"YOU LIAR!" Kyo barked, furious.
"Shut up!"
"YOU SHUT UP, YOU COWARD! DID YOU EVEN THINK WHO WAS GOING TO FIND YOUR SCRAWNY BODY?"
"SHUT UP!" Don't act like you care! I wasn't going to!
"I'm not going to shut up, not when I'm talking to a selfish asshole! You stupid little…what did you think you'd accomplish?" He snarled, trying to keep his voice steady. Damn you.
Damn you for even thinking about it!
XXX
Oh my god! Yuki Kun tried to…?
She felt numb, sapped of all her strength as she slumped to the ground, eyes wide and mind blank.
XXX
"Nothing! I said I wasn't going to!" The silver haired boy protested, but the tears escaping his eyes said otherwise. "I swear!"
Why should you care? You should be disgusted!
Kyo felt drained of all energy. He wanted to break Yuki's wrists, and every other bone in his body, to put him in the hospital where he wouldn't be able to pull another stunt like that. Ever.
"I-it was stupid." The silver haired Sohma continued in a quivering voice. "But I swear, I wasn't going to!"
"Really? It never even crossed your mind?" Kyo demanded, dubious of Yuki's protests.
"I…"
XXX
Tohru couldn't listen anymore. She had to get away. She didn't want to hear anymore. Oh god, Yuki Kun! How? How could you? With that smile on your face? All this time…Why didn't you talk to me? Why? She sobbed. Why?
She turned, intending on crawling away if she had to. This wasn't happening, not Yuki. Not him. She was dreaming, this was a dream...No, a nightmare!
He'd been this miserable! This alone and desperate. How could she have missed this?
She could've lost him!
She kept on crawling until she found enough to stand on her wobbly legs.
Kyo's livid voice still rang clearly in the woods, as did Yuki's, weakly denying the accusations.
Tohru gasped, hot stream of tears blinding her vision as she stumbled back towards the house and then up to her room where threw herself on the bed.
Yuki Kun.
Why?
XXX
Back in the woods, Yuki and Kyo were oblivious as they argued.
"See! Don't you dare lie to me!" How dare you even think of doing this to us?
"I already told you I wasn't going to do anything, so stop lecturing me like you care or something!"
Kyo chose to ignore that, "Then what the hell were you doing?"
"Nothing, I-I just—"
"Just what?"
"How I made—" Why was he still talking about this? To Kyo?
"Made what?"
"Nothing, forget it."
"I won't! Talk!" Kyo commanded.
The two glared at each other, one for truth and the other for discretion. In past similar battles, Yuki was always victorious. His cold condescending glare was of nearly no equal. Kyo usually just got mad and resorted to violence.
Why should this time be any different?
"MADE WHAT?"
Yuki knew it was pointless. If Kyo wasn't restraining him, this encounter would've ended long ago, but Kyo was superior in sheer brute force. He knew better than to try to break out of that iron grip.
And better than to try and hide anything else, so why not tell him? He knew everything else anyway…
A part of him desperately wanted to talk to somebody about it before he went insane.
He sighed, then waved one of his hands slightly within Kyo's strong grip "...that." He said quietly.
"What?" the other looked down at the hand he was holding. I don't see anything. He trailed his hand down Yuki's forearm, so he could examine his wrist, squinting so he could see in the moonlight. He found a nearly imperceptible line of white scar tissue against the almost unreal paleness of skin.
"Shit." He ran his thumb down the mark, "When the hell did you do that?" He asked quietly.
Yuki closed his eyes as if in defeat, "Right after it happened."
Boiling point.
"Damn you! You were going to do it again?"
"I said, I wasn't going to!" Yuki replied indignantly, eyes snapping open with barely contained emotion.
"Stop denying it, you liar!"
"I should've known you'd be stupid!" Yuki cried, "I should've known better!"
Why in the world did I think for a second that he'd understand anything? How could I let my guard down this much? How could I have believed that anyone would ever understand?
"Don't you think we all suffered too? Why the hell would you want to be a coward? You know what? You might've told Akito off but you're still living in his shadow. I bet if he asked for you, you'd be there in a flash cause you're scared shitless to do a damn thing about your life!"
"What life? You call this a life? Even my life isn't mine. I don't live for myself, I live for other people! I live so Akito can torture me and my mother can pick up her pay cheque and brag about me, so Hatori and Shigure can feel better about themselves; and my brother can have a chance at something other than selfishness!"
Kyo was unfazed by the other's outburst. "So what? It's what you got! Are you going to let other people run it for you? You're just full of shit! You know what? You're so dense that you can't even appreciate what you have. Whose life do you want? Mine? Hatori's? Momiji's? Tohru's? Name one person you know that hasn't suffered in one way or another?" You spoiled brat!
Yuki ground his teeth, seething. "So just because everyone else is unhappy, that's supposed to make it all right? It's supposed to make what happened all right? So, I should forget and disregard everything that happened to me? My entire life was only about watching the world pass me by. No one ever cared, no one ever bothered! You all had someone there for you, you had the entire world around you! Even if it was just for a second, I would've given anything, anything to have just one second of normalcy, even if it was false!"
The words just kept on coming, and he kept choking on them. "Do you know when my life started, Kyo? The moment I got out of that house, and not even truly then! Everything before that was nothing but misery! So this life you're talking about, I never had it!"
Kyo found himself in a bind; he hadn't expected that out of Yuki. He hadn't really cared to know. Even now, he'd rather not know. He didn't want to know that all those assumptions he had about Yuki living the good life at the main house could be wrong. It made dealing with his cousin all the more difficult.
There's no way that Yuki suffered like he did! He's the damn rat! He must be exaggerating! It couldn't have been that bad, he's just a spoiled brat!
Yuki kept ranting. "So I'm the Jyuunishi superior, so what? What did I get out of that? Nothing! I never got anything other than abuse and neglect, so don't you dare compare anyone to me. You don't know anything about me, don't ever assume that you do because had you known anything, you wouldn't have hated me just for being cursed with the Rat. You would've known that I was just as miserable as you! But, it's all about you, isn't it? Your pain! Your suffering! Your curse! It's you who forgot that everyone else is cursed! It's you who's always wallowing in self-pity, never acknowledging the awful things that happen to others, never appreciating the good things you've had that I could only dream about! Damn you, you stupid selfish ungrateful idiot!"
I'm not going to cry. Don't you dare cry in front of him!
"Huh? Wait a minute!" Kyo shouted, panicking. What the hell?
"Shut up! I don't want to hear anything you have to say!" the other retorted. "Now, let me go!"
"I…" I didn't mean…
"You what? Feel bad? Don't bother, I don't want anything from you! Not your help and certainly not your pity!"
"But I—" Not pity, I don't pity you, I hate you!
They struggled for a few moments, until Kyo regained the upper hand. Yuki, not being able to do anything else, unable to get away, turned his face away, so Kyo wouldn't see the tears threatening to leak out of his eyes, so he wouldn't see the sympathy in Kyo's eyes.
His breathing hitched again with barely contained sobs.
"I…" the redhead started again, hesitant. Uncertain.
"Just go away." Yuki replied quietly, too weary for anything else.
Why? Why did I think that he'd understand? How dare he? Pity…anything but that.
Anything.
It was as if the entire world just went silent. The crickets chirping in the distance, the sounds of nearby traffic. Everything just stopped and Kyo couldn't hear anything anymore. The silence was deafening, and terrifying.
Something he saw in Yuki's eyes before he closed them, scared him. He unconsciously let go of Yuki's wrists, but couldn't bring himself to do anything else. He was torn between wanting to punch the other in the face for calling him all those names, and was a little more than shocked at Yuki's outburst.
But it couldn't have been like that Kuso Nezumi said! His mother was alive, that was a good thing, right?
No, apparently his mother gave him to Akito. I don't think a normal mother would give her child up for money.
But, he was the Rat! Wasn't that something?
No, Akito put him through god knows what just for being the most important Jyuunishi.
He was admired and trusted by everybody, right?
How did he feel about the way people looked at him? He never has a moment of piece at school, he has to live up to everyone's expectations.
I want to be someone like that, but without all the expectations…
Yuki could've easily gotten away, but all this arguing left him exhausted. He felt drained. He put his head back against the cold ground, letting his body go slack, closing his eyes, wishing that he could just disappear. Kyo had forced him to remember things he had long since buried; he couldn't deal with everything now, he was just too tired.
Damn that Stupid cat.
Damn it…
Why won't he just go away?
The two just stayed there. Kyo racking his brain for something to say, his mouth moving, but no words would come. Yuki's face, the grief in his eyes, it had been so real. So close.
Could things really have been that bad for him?
The other suddenly shifted underneath him, and pulled himself up, keeping his upper body turned away as he waited for Kyo to move off his legs. An unspoken order to release him.
He still wouldn't say anything.
The silence seemed like a judgment.
He had failed to do anything other than to further hurt Yuki, and he would pay.
A sense of impending doom was crashing upon him. He had screwed up big time. What was he thinking? Trying to talk Yuki out of feeling sorry for himself? He never knew what to say, ever! And now, he was the reason that look returned to Yuki's eyes; that fragile, desperate and dejected look.
Why the hell did Yuki have to tell him anything?
Why couldn't he just let things be?
How could he be so stupid?
Why the hell did he have to get involved?
Once again, that part of him, the one that had been controlling him all this time, gave him the answer.
Kazuma had said something about more distinguished feelings than pity, but what his father didn't realize was that Kyo always had those feelings for Yuki, buried deep beneath the anger and hate. And it wasn't just envy. One couldn't help but respect Yuki for everything he represented, and everything he did.
One would have to be blind not to see Yuki in a different light than everyone else.
Kyo wanted that; he wanted the admiration and respect, he wanted the cunning diplomatic mind. He wanted Tohru to stare at him, blushing all the while.
Those thoughts sickened him.
Wanting to be like Yuki, yet hating him for all he was.
He didn't know why he went after Yuki, or even cared what happened to him, when Yuki was a fool; an arrogant, selfish fool who was more concerned about himself than hurting those around him.
No, he knew the answer to that one too.
He slowly eased off Yuki's legs, watching for a reaction. Yuki retracted his legs slightly, his body jolting slightly; signifying that his legs were asleep.
There was still time left, it didn't have to end like this.
This was his chance.
Though he had found out by accident, Yuki chose to tell him. He chose to show him the scar, to show him that vulnerable face that night at the clinic. Why? Why had Yuki shown that side to him? Wasn't he afraid of rejection?
Did he actually trust him?
"We all have to stop running away."
Kyo had to stop running away from that part of himself. The part that envied Tohru and Haru for being the ones able to make Yuki smile, the one that wanted to break something every time that sad look was reflected in Yuki's eyes, the part that compelled him to stay up all night, waiting to make Yuki Chamomile tea again; the part that wanted to tear Akito to bits for daring to hurt Yuki.
The part that cracked every time Yuki glared at him, the part that yelled in defiance every time he picked a fight, the part that was crushed with every punch he threw towards that perfect face.
The part that he thought had died with his mother. The part that always said not to blame the Rat, whoever he was.
The part that cried with Yuki on that rainy night when he thought no one would ever look at him again.
It was the same part of him that ached for acceptance, a sense of belonging, and an escape from an inevitable imprisonment.
It was the part that made him human.
It was what made him follow Yuki, it throbbed with the need to help. It wanted release from the never-ending hate.
He always hid it. It was too fragile; too soft and delicate to expose. Maybe one day, it would be strong enough to withstand his other conflicting emotions. Maybe it would even overcome them, if he ever accepted his past.
He glanced over at his distraught cousin, who's face remained downcast.
Kyo had to fix this, and if he didn't say anything now, Yuki would never ever let him in again; they would never be anything other than the cat and mouse.
He didn't want to be an animal, he was human.
So was Yuki.
The guilt was killing him. He'd been feeling that way ever since he found out. He watched Yuki ever since, trying not to react to Yuki's clear depression, forcing himself to look the other way. He thought that he'd feel better if he yelled, if he confronted Yuki and told him what he thought of him.
But now, he just felt low, and twice as guilty.
I just want to stop feeling this way!
If he didn't say anything, he would never forgive himself.
So, he took a deep breath, and let that part take over.
"My mother…she said that we could've been happy had I been born the Rat. Had I been born you, and I can't help but wonder if it would've been the way she thought it'd be. If we could've been happy that way.
I was so young. I didn't understand anything other than that my mother was scared of me, and wanted me to be someone else. She tried so hard to look past it, but in the end, she couldn't take it. She tried so hard to love me, but couldn't get past her fears.
Everyone looked at me like I had killed her, like I had her blood on my hands. Like I was a monster. And the man, who was supposed to be my father, he…"
'It's not my fault, it's not my fault…'
Kyo inhaled sharply, the sentiments he felt were so overpowering. However, he didn't stop. He couldn't stop; the words were aching for release. Having been long since sealed.
"I couldn't even cry, hearing those people around me; judging me, shunning me, loathing me. I had my anger; I had to avenge the mother who tried so hard to love me.
You, beating you, hating you, that's what I had to drive me. The only thing to keep me sane."
'I'll never forgive you! It's all your fault! You shouldn't exist in this world!'
The only way I could forgive myself.
"I had to have it, that anger, it kept me sane. It kept me from everything else. I had to fight for what I wanted; defeating you and gaining a place amongst the others, to stop being the reject. I didn't want to be the monster cat anymore."
"So my little monster, how does our bet fare?"
Yuki glanced over at Kyo. Why was he talking about this? Did he finally realize that it was all stupid and pointless?
Did he actually pay attention to what he was saying earlier? Did he realize that he was a hypocrite?
"Being accepted by the others, forcing Akito to accept me, I needed that so much. Because being an outcast, this loneliness, I hated it, I didn't want it. It scared me so much. I needed to watch the world through Jyuunishi eyes.
But now, I realize that this whole time, I was accepted, wasn't I? Everyone, the Jyuunishi, they've always been kind to me, mostly. I had Shishou too, though I didn't see it that way. I thought that if I didn't have Akito's approval, I would forever be the outsider, always alone, that I had nothing. But, I couldn't expect anything from that bastard Akito; I can't expect anything from him. Akito, he just manipulated my hate. This game he was playing with me, still playing with me; deep down I knew what he was doing but I couldn't risk it, I can't risk it. I wanted to be included in the circle because the way he looks at me, it's so awful and cold. Like I'm not even human."
'I'll visit you, so you won't be lonely.'
"I had to win…I have to. The desperation made me so mad, and blinded me to everything around me. I didn't purposely ignore things, but to me, they were insignificant if they didn't relate to me. It's selfish to think that way, but I couldn't help it.
I want to win, but deep down, I know that it won't change anything. Akito's too much of a bastard to actually let me win. And the price I'd have to pay winning—"
Beating you. Could I even do it?
"I'm not sure about anything anymore. It's just so frustrating." He ran his hands through his sweaty locks. And suddenly came to a realization.
What would Akito do to you if you lost?
Is it even worth it anymore?
"You're right, though. I did forget about everyone else's problems, and everyone else's pain. Your pain, to me was unreal, an act. Because my whole life, I envisioned you living like a king, with your family around you and Akito hovering over you like a…"
Leech.
"I ignored it because I didn't understand it, didn't want to understand it. To know that you were like me, no, much worse off than me…. Being alike, in that sense, I don't understand it. It makes no sense. Why is it that way? Why isn't the Rat happy? Why isn't he surrounded by people to wait on him and serve him and love him?"
The Rat should never be anything but happy, that's why he's the beautiful traitor.
"Because you assume that I would automatically get standing and position because of my Jyuunishi form. I did, but it didn't protect me from Akito. It doesn't mean anything really, it never did. This curse, who we are, it doesn't mean anything other than what it is; a curse." Yuki replied quietly. "Because we're so desperate for a semblance of normalcy or superiority, we grab at anything that would give us an advantage, even if it is a cursed body." He laughed to himself as a tear escaped his large eyes. "How sad."
Kyo looked on, mesmerized by the crystal drop making its way down Yuki's smooth cheek.
As the drop continued its split-second drop to the ground, something in Kyo seemed to shift with it.
There was something magical about Yuki tears as well, it seems.
Something was liberated with those drops. It was…soothing, gentle and foreign. Tohru-like. Kyo didn't want to think about it, didn't want to associate how Tohru made him feel with Yuki, so he returned to the task at hand.
Oddly, it felt good to talk. Even Shishou hadn't been told everything. Kyo never want to burden his father with his turbulent emotions. Yuki though, deserved something. He deserved to know that them hating each other was just the curse. Beating the Jyuunishi mouse was something that he'd wanted to do his entire life, yet ever since that dark rainy night and at seeing the tears in Yuki's eyes; that part of him he thought he'd buried so well, the very same part of him that was filling with unprecedented serenity at this very moment, protested.
He couldn't beat Yuki; he lost the drive to do it.
And that was that.
He never wanted to hate in the first place. He had been filled with so much of it that he couldn't function without it. It became his oxygen. His savior from insanity, as he said to Yuki.
And that was why he let it consume him.
Akito was wrong. They were all wrong. Her death wasn't his fault, right?
He didn't want to continue on the path his hate outlined for him. He wanted to live his life till the moment of imprisonment. He wanted to be close to Tohru until the very last moment.
And Yuki; he didn't want to be the reason for anymore suffering. He would not let Akito win. He would not be the reason for any more pain for Yuki.
What he said to his cousin earlier, was unfair. Using other people's lives, especially Tohru's, against his cousin; fully knowing that Yuki's suffering was of a whole different category, one that included a jail sentence for Akito. It didn't work, because it was wrong.
It was self-centered and callous.
However, Kyo had to get through to him. No matter how he looked at it, there was no way he was going to let Yuki give up or die and carry the guilt of letting it happen the rest of his life. He didn't want Yuki to continue wallowing in self-pity. It complicated things.
He had done enough soul searching today to last him an eternity.
Yuki had good things too. He just had to see that.
But, how to go about it?
"Look, I didn't mean... It's just such a stupid thing to do. But, you can't let Akito win."
He didn't want to be nice to Yuki, he despised it. Being civil was already too much, anything more would be…
Kyo didn't even want to go there. So for now, he'd continue lecturing the other, trying to get through to him.
"Are you worried that Akito'll take his anger out on someone else? So instead, you're going to let him mess around with you for the rest of your life? Is that what you want?" His tone grew more gruff as he spoke, "Wake up already! Akito lost. It's almost over. He's probably dying as we speak and you won't have to worry about him ever again! Whatever he made you believe, it's not true. He's a liar and a manipulator, you know better than to trust anything he says. And don't you dare blame yourself when you were only a kid!"
Tohru's face came to him then and he thought of her words to him. What had she said? What were those magical healing words?
"Think
of all the people around you. Their kindness or whatever, it's no lie! There's
nothing deceitful about it. They honestly want to help you, so don't let them
down by playing into Akito's trap. And those people, they can only help if you
let them.
You have to understand that what happened doesn't change who you are. Don't let
what happened in the past ruin the rest of your life!"
He didn't know where all this was coming from, but it seemed to be working. His cousin now looked interested, the dullness in his eyes was slowly fading.
He thought back to that dark stormy night so long ago, what had he been desperate for?
Acceptance; wholehearted and unadulterated.
Yuki had wanted to run away, like he had.
Yuki, is that what you need too?
"Running away from our problems won't solve anything." He finally said, "And with acceptance, you can forgive yourself."
I did. She accepted me, all of me. She can do the same for you.
That was the hardest part, admitting that he had to share Tohru with Yuki, someone who clearly didn't deserve her worry or affection.
"And Tohru, what about her? She's so worried about you! Do you want to just leave her? Why don't you be a man for once instead of walking around all pretty and—"
Yuki's previously glazed eyes suddenly glinted with deadly intent as he growled and turned to face Kyo; fury across his beautiful features, fist swinging as he moved lightning fast, then stopping an inch in front of Kyo's nose.
"Who are you calling pretty, you bastard?" Yuki demanded.
Kyo opened his eyes slowly, wondering why he still didn't feel any pain. Seeing the fist so close to his nose, he tried not to panic. But macho pride coerced him to smirk, if nervously, at his attacker, "I don't see any other pretty boys around here, do you?"
The silver haired Sohma continued to glare at him but then exhaled defeatedly, pulling his fist back. The way he looked was one of a lot of things he had to accept about himself, wasn't it?
Another curse.
But, something had to be said.
"Another outlet for your profanity, perhaps?" He asked smugly.
"What?" Kyo jumped to his feet. "Don't make me laugh. I'm perfectly happy looking like a normal guy and I definitely don't want no guys hitting on me!"
Yuki sighed as he got to his feet. He shook his head in defeat and began to walk away, reflecting on all that was said.
"Oi, Yuki!" Kyo began in a soft tone, "Listen. What happened to you…it's something serious, and you can't expect yourself to get better in a few days or weeks."
Yuki gave him an unreadable look but didn't interrupt or leave.
"What I mean is, you Kuso…take your time…to get better because a lot of people are worried about you...and-and if you ever need to …um, unload…you can always… Oh jeez, never mind." Kyo turned away, trying to hide his reddening face. He began to stomp away before his embarrassment became noticeable.
The Jyuunishi Mouse was speechless in the face of this Kyo that actually gave a damn. He stood there for a few minutes trying to digest what Kyo said.
Take my time? It'll take time, that's for certain.
He looked up at Kyo's retreating back.
Kyo found out, and I don't see pity in his eyes…Not anymore. It's more like understanding.
Understanding, it felt good. It seemed sincere.
Kyo had said so much, there was so much pain in their past, so much pain between them.
But, the will to overcome everything?
Can I do it with this gaping hole where my soul was?
Kyo seemed to have it.
Did he also have it?
"I am not belittling your loss, Yuki Kun, but I know that you have the strength and will to move forward and not let this make you unhappy forever. Don't give up, Yuki Kun. I believe in you..."
"Don't let what happened in the past ruin the rest of your life!"
Everyone seemed so confident that he did.
And, the others?
Rely on others? Dare I hope they won't turn away?
The others…
"I hope that you can always count on me, Yuki Kun."
"I want to share Yuki's pain. But, only if Yuki will let me."
They were still here.
Kyo was still standing here.
"And with acceptance, you can forgive yourself."
Forgive myself?
It didn't sound nearly as impossible as before, coming from Kyo.
Could I?
When he followed his cousin that night, it was to stop him from doing what he'd been doing his entire life; running away from others, and himself.
Accept all of me?
Tohru had often said that they were alike, it used to infuriate him.
We really are alike, just like she said.
It was almost scary to admit, but at the same time there was this immense sense of relief as it shattered the façade that one always had to maintain in the face of expectations.
It filled Yuki with conviction.
I want to try.
Courage.
I want to feel.
Hope.
I want that warm feeling again.
He looked up at the moon in the sky, it was cold and lonely, much like himself. Yet, it too shone through the clouds and the darkness.
Unabated.
I've been spending too much time with Haru.
He chuckled to himself momentarily, before hurrying to catch up with his flustered cousin.
"Hey, Kyo!"
Just as the other turned, Yuki punched him squarely in the jaw. "That's for my wrists!" Yuki glowered down at him, then walked away, rubbing at his sore wrists and making his way back to the house, brushing at his dirtied clothes all the while.
Picking himself off the ground, Kyo watched the other leave, rubbing his sore jaw. Getting to his feet, he felt…lighter somehow, as if a heavy burden had been lifted off his chest. It felt good, not too good, cause it was Yuki after all. But, unheeding his attempts to continue frowning, a snicker made its way to his lips.
Stop it!
But he couldn't help it. He hadn't screwed up, and he was still in one piece!
Yuki had actually listened to him!
Stop! If Yuki comes back, he'll think you're laughing at him.
That put an end to the giggles.
The smile stayed on.
XXX
In her room, Tohru wept.
XXXXXX
Whew! Well that was much longer than I originally intended! 26 pages! That's like what, 3 chapters? I had to get everything in. I hope that everyone finds it believable.
So everything was said out in the open, or was it? Do you really think that it could be that easy? If you think so, then you apparently haven't been reading the last 19 chapters! And Tohru…he he he.
Basically though, Kyo was the final domino, I know I know, excellent symbolism (sarcasm ahoy) but that's the best way I can put it. I can total see that in a serious setting, the two would take what they say to each other very seriously.
So, decided that we are no longer able to space our paragraphs, so I have to go back and fix everything! They ruined the effect I was aiming for here cause I had to put in all the X's. Anyways, I was thinking of giving each chapter a name, you know, like real writers with brains do, what do you think? Should I bother? Does anyone care? TT
And once again, sorry for the long wait, my bro and sister had a lot of school stuff to do and I graciously let them have the pc. Aren't I a gem?
Thanks a ton to all those who have taken the time to read and review, and tell me what an evil person I am. I am so happy that my work brings out such an emotional reaction! THANK YOU SO MUCH! Can you believe it's been a year already?
And thanks to Sohma Li Chan for the much needed proofreading and ego inflating!
Kativa-Chan : I'm Sorry, but I had to be the evil fic writer! You did it quite often yourself! You never ever bother me! I love the fact that you want me to update, but I just feel so bad that you have to do it so often! I LOVE YOU! LOL! What did you think about this chapter? THANK YOU!
Sin Katt : he he I'm sorry. What did you think? THANK YOU!
NeuroticSquirrel : More it is! THANK YOU!
T-c3 : Yup! its what I do best apparently, so what did you think about this one? You write angsty Kyo yourself, so I want to know what you think! THANK YOU!
Aisha C : THANK YOU DARLING! I want to know how you found it!
Gia : Aww, I'm sorry! I'll take a look at your site for sure, did you want another suggestion? Didn't you like my earplugs and tranquilizer one? But they'll get along so much better that way! LOL! THANK YOU!
Cmquietone : Wowie! THANK YOU and welcome to the story! I hope this chapter was to your satisfaction.
Karta : Wait till next time! I'm delighted that you're enjoying the character developments, they can be troublesome, but its all good in the end, ne? THANK YOU so much for the compliments!
animelvr4evr : LOL! THANK YOU!
secretmirror180 : Come on man, don't say that! I LOVE YOU! LOL! Sure, you can get the Naga laugh, though I feel that Kodachi's is just well, more ominous! THANK YOU!
anne nime : Ah the baka neko! It has to be that way because it just can't change suddenly! You can't just change the way you act around someone, right? It takes time, and well discretion. LOL! What did you think of this chapter my eloquent friend? And you know, you seem much older than a college student. See, I've been out of school for 3 years now, and ask anyone who knows, me, I don't act like it. But enough about me! I totally appreciate you taking time out from your busy schedule to review, and they do help me so much! THANK YOU!
Ying Fa19 : THAT WAS SO WELL SAID! LOLOLOLOLOL! Ahem, you're new! Hello and THANK YOU! I love Yuki too, much more than necessary, but I love to torture him. I'm glad you're enjoying the story! And you'll have to wait and see!
Piro : I can't help but do that to him! THANK YOU!
Babyblu : He is Kyo, somebody had to screw up! Did you still want help with the chapters? I'm ready to help fellow Yukiru supporters anytime! THANK YOU!
vaL : Why THANK YOU!
akitosohma : LOL! What did you think? THANK YOU!
Polka Dot : Did you mean kill Akito? Sure why not, but I'm not planning to lock those two up together. LOL! THANK YOU!
Haruka Hana : Yup! That's Kyo for ya! What did you think? It would've been fun for Kyo to loose Yuki in the woods, but then where would Yuki have gone? Xhead explodes for all the possibilitiesX. I didn't think Ayame, even with all his faults, could just stand there. He'd want to do something for Yuki. As for Hatori, well, I can't promise… But if you can write a furuba, do it! DO IT DO IT DO IT! I wanna read XEvil glareX but it better not be Kyoru! LOL! THANK YOU!
Youki no ko: I'm glad! I hope you liked this one! THANK YOU!
Sohma Risa : So, what did you think of the 5 extra pages? Tell me they were actually useful, I'd die otherwise! This gave me so much trouble. TT And no sweetie, it is you who rocks! Well I rock too, I have to admit. THANK YOU for reviewing and supporting this delicate little soul.
Ina-chan : Xdoes the moon walkX YAAHOOOOOO! I should've told you to review me ages ago, well I would've had you told me that you were reading! Oh well! THANK YOU so much! I totally appreciate all your kind words! I try hard to write something believable, and I hope that you didn't think that this was end of the Yuki Kyo feud, he he no that'd be too easy! I guess this would be non cannon behavior for Kyo who seems to have emotionally regressed in the manga, but that's why I developed him in the last 15 or so chapters, all for this moment. He couldn't just walk away! And you already know how much I love Yuki! And so I love to delve into his beautiful little mind and try to peel away the darkness surrounding his soul. Tohru? What did you think? I had to destroy her as well, it was her turn! I would be ever so grateful if you bestow another review upon me, one in the very near future and forever afterwards!
justareviewer, notawriter : That's true, Yuki has developed tremendously while Kyo is still himself! Another Yuki fan! Excellent! Akito is a freak, he's supposed to annoy everybody and make them want to kill him, that's his charm. THANK YOU so much for the compliments, demanding is good and I hope you liked this chapter!
ChiisaiKyo : THANK You for reviewing, but I wonder if the rest of the story scared you off? LOL!
Penpenchan : Yup, Yuki's a hero! THANK YOU!
Miaka1977j : THANK YOU! Lol, please don't cry! Cliffhangers are an absolute must here!
Kit TayLor : THANK YOU!
Akiko Koishii: THANK YOU!
Mistress RinRin : Gay? NO! THANK YOU for taking the time to actually print the whole thing out. What did you think?
Coming up, Ayame's stand against Akito. Or is it?