Chapter Twenty:

Something has happened between Firth and me. Things changed earlier when I stopped anything from happening. Something has shifted.

Before, Firth and I were always on the same wavelength. We knew what the other was going to do and why. It was sort of a miracle considering we hadn't known each other that long and the situation we were in. It's hard to trust people period. It's even harder in the arena. But somehow Firth and I did. We were great allies that way. We just got each other.

Now, something's a little different. It's not something I can name, it just feels like we're wandering on different paths, even though we're walking right beside one another. We started at the foot of the mountains the second we got up from the wave. It didn't take long without the trees. We could clearly see where the mountains started.

The mountains themselves were sort of terrifying. Not once since the Games started did I wander anywhere near them. I got out of the maze and found the stream. The woods were comforting enough. I didn't need anything else. Now that the woods are gone, we have no choice but to head for the mountain. We couldn't even stay if we wanted too. The wave and the drains emptied the streams, and oddly all of the fish in them. With only one fish and half full bottles of water between us, we had no choice but to head for the Mountains. No matter how unchartered or scary they seemed. Our first priority was finding water or food, whichever we came across first, and somewhere to sleep.

I've never been on a mountain before. I've never even seen them outside of pictures. The ground is uneven and rocky, and you don't even notice it going upward until you start to pant. There's some trees and grass, but the majority of it is just dirt and upturned rocks.

Firth manages the uneven ground easily enough, but it takes me longer to climb than it does for him. I constantly trip over the larger rocks and divots in the ground. Firth always stops to help me, and it only serves as a constant reminder that he'd be doing better if I weren't here. I almost suggest we split up, but the paralyzing fear and anxiety I feel every time I even think of it, stops me from suggesting it to him. As far as surviving goes, Firth is a hundred time better than I am. Faced with another tribute, I'd kick his ass. But survival skills? All I can do is feed myself. Unless there's another tidal wave, I probably won't be too much of a match against any other natural element, and my climbing skills are severely lacking. It's a wonder I've lived this long. I guess I wouldn't have without my spear, but a lot of luck it's doing me here on the mountain.

It's colder here than it is anywhere else in the arena, and I keep wanting to wrap my arms tighter around myself to combat it. I have to keep my mouth shut tight to keep my teeth from chattering as we ascend higher and higher on the mountain. Once again, Firth seems unaffected. He's not even wearing his jacket. I scowl, stupid, lucky District Seven resident. The constant never-ending District Four sunshine hasn't helped me much in this arena.

"You know," Firth says as we climb higher. "That wave might not have been meant to kill anyone."

I stare at him as if he has three heads. "You do remember you almost drowned in that wave, right?"

Firth nods as if he already thought of that. "Well, yeah I know that, but-"

"But what?" I ask quickly. "I'm probably one of the only tributes left who can swim. The Gamemakers have to know that, and yet they still set that thing on us. How can you defend them? You think they're above interfering to kill us?" I can feel my voice rising with anger, surpassing my normal tone, but I can't help it. I'm still emotionally spent from that wave, and furious with the Gamemakers for doing it. Alone, it would have been fine, but facing the fear of watching Firth die had been a little too much. And now he thinks it's no big deal? No wonder my voice has reached that squeaky quality. I don't try to stop it. If another tribute hears me, so be it. I'd love to run into Fane or Garnet right about now. It might do me some good to take my mind off everything by sparring with Garnet. Firth's comment has upset me too much. He can't really believe the Gamemakers wouldn't try to kill us.

Firth stops and shakes his head furiously. "No, Epperly. You misunderstood. I'm not defending the Gamemakers. I'm sure they knew it could kill a few of us. They probably knew I would die, but I don't think that's why they set it. I think there was a bigger reason than killing off one tribute from Seven."

"What reason?" I ask him, my hands on my hips. I know it looks a little juvenile, and I see Firth crack a smile as he watches me do it.

"Look," Firth says. He hesitates for a second before placing his hand on my shoulders and to facing me toward the fallen trees, and the concrete maze beyond it.

"All I see is a dilapidated forest and the maze," I tell him.

Firth smiles. "Exactly. Before the trees were in the way of everything. They kept us hidden. Now? The only places we have to hide are the maze or the mountains. As much as I'd think to think I'm important enough to the Capitol to personally take out, I realized they didn't destroy the forest to kill us, they did it to drive us together. Now there's five of us and only two places to hide."

Realization takes a second to wash over me, and then I know Firth is right. The wave wasn't meant to kill us. It was designed to make sure someone else did. That's why they drained the streams too. I was too dependent on it. There has to be another source of water on the mountain.

"Not two places," I tell Firth, "just one."

"What do you mean?"

I turn to face him. "They dried up the streams. There's no water down there, and the arena has to have water or we will all die of dehydration."

Firth's eyebrows raise as he starts to understand what I mean.

"The only water left in this arena is on the Mountain," I say. "That means, at some point, there will be five of us on this mountain, if there's not already."

Firth's face is even and saddened. "I guess we'll have to be a little quieter then, huh?"

I shake my head. "No, everyone else has probably split up by now. I can take one tribute at a time, especially with your help."

Firth chuckles. "Something tells me you don't need my help."

I shrug. "It certainly wouldn't hurt, Firth. You did figure out the Gamemakers plan with the wave. You're a genius."

Firth grins, "I have my moments, but it was the Gamemakers who came up with the idea."

"You still realized it," I tell him, "I never would have."

Firth shrugs and gives me a gently shove in the shoulders. "That's because you're fight first, think later. I'm not."

I scrunch my face together and frown. "Fight first, think later? That makes me sound like a Career."

"For the hundredth time, Four. You are a Career."

He's smiling and I know he's kidding, but something about it ring true. I never thought of myself as a Career, simply because I didn't fit the categories. I didn't train at the academy. I didn't volunteer. I was reaped. I wasn't arrogant. I never thought I'd win. Hell, I didn't think I could kill. But I did. Three times now.

I am a Career. I was well fed. I had skills. I had the bloodbath advantage, and I killed to stay alive. I am the people I would have hated if I was at home watching. My bottom lip quivers at the thought of my family watching me turn into the people we despised. I always thought those ruthless Careers didn't deserve to win.

Firth looks at me with wide, concerned eyes. " I didn't mean that as an insult. I meant you're, you know, capable."

I can feel the tears starting to brim in my eyes now. I try to blink them back, but Firth has already seen them.

"Are you upset?" Firth asks softly. He reaches out to hold my shoulder. "I meant that as a compliment to you. When this started, nobody thought you had much of a chance, you proved them wrong by becoming a Career."

My bottom lip is quivering so badly now, I have to bite it to keep it steady. "I don't want to be a Career, Firth," I say quickly. "You don't think I know what I've become in here? What I've done? I've killed three people. The only reason I'm alive is because I fight first, think later to quote you. I kill people without hesitating. I know I've become a Career, and I know what comes with that. I don't deserve to win."

One tear manages to escape through my lashes, but I wipe it before it has time to roll down my cheek.

"Epperly," Firth says quietly. "That's not true. You allied with that girl from eight, even when from the sounds of it, you could have killed her easily."

"I did kill her," I correct him.

"Only when you had too," Firth reminds me. "She turned on you."

"Still counts."

"It's not the same," he says firmly. "And you saved me, twice now since we've been in the arena. Do you think any of the other Careers would have done that?"

He raises an eyebrow at me and I don't give him the satisfavtion of answering. He's proven his point and knows it.

"I don't remember Garnet taking a knife to the hand for me," Firth adds.

I smile. "I got it Firth, thanks."

He grins and ignores me. "it definitely wasn't Kenrick who belted me to him to keep from letting me drown."

"You have made your point," I tell him playfully.

"I could go on," Firth offers a smile. I shake my head and he wraps an arm around my shoulder to comfort me. It's a sweet gesture but as soon as he does we both immediately tighten and he moves it. After what happened in the forest, I guess we've decided minimal touching is the way to go. It seems stupid but I also can't deny the way my heart skipped when he did it.

"So," Firth says without skipping a beat. "When do you think we should stop the hiking excursion?"

I sigh. "I don't know. I guess when we find water, food or somewhere to sleep."

Firth groans. "That could be hours from now." He scans my face for any signs of relenting, and finds none.

"How are you not exhausted already?" he complains. "You're like 1/3 of my size. You should have 1/3 of the stamina."

I chuckle at the way he drags out the end of his sentences. He sounds like a little kid when he does that.

"I'm still a little keyed up," I admit. "You know from earlier."

Firth nods. "I hear near-death experiences do that to a person."

I nod. "I'll relax when we find somewhere to hunker down for the evening."

"Well," Firth says scanning the surrounding area. "There has to be somewhere around here. I'm guessing you don't want to climb up another tree?"

"Not particularly."

"Alright, then," he chuckles. "We'll keep looking."

Its hours later before we can stop. We scan every inch of the mountain and don't find any sign of life; no water, no animals, and no other tributes. By the time the sun starts to set, we're exhausted and beat from the arduous day we've had.

The temperature has dropped too and it's by far the coldest I've been in the arena. My teeth chatter so much, even Firth hears it. He's put his jacket on, but he keeps offering to give it me. Every time he offers, I give him a frozen shake of my head and he frowns. I don't care how used to the weather he is, I couldn't stand to watch him walk around in just a t-shirt, no matter how cold I am.

Eventually, we make it to one of the smaller peaks of the mountain. I'm so exhausted, hungry and thirsty, I'm about to drop to my feet in the middle of the rocks. Firth is a good thirty yards ahead of me when I see him start to leap up and down from excitement. He's back in front of me in seconds. A large, excited smile plastered across his face.

"Did you find water?" I ask.

He shakes his head. "Not yet. But I found somewhere for us to spend the night."

He leads me to a steep cliff on the edge of the Mountain. There's a small flat plateau before the cliff. I lean over the edge slightly and see the steep drop into rough rocks below.

"Are you going to push me?" I ask curiously.

Firth chuckles. "Yeah. I'm honestly getting a little tired of you. Thought it was about time to put you out of your misery."

I smile. "Well, make sure I don't pull you down with me."

"Of course. I'm no amateur."

Firth nods his head to the right. I follow his gaze and see that beside the chunky rock wall of the mountain is a slight, dark alcove. It's not quite deep enough to be considered a cave. It's too shallow and exposed to be a cave. But it makes the perfect little spot to curl up and hide for the night.

"Thank Panem," I sigh.

"I thought you'd be excited," Firth says following me over to the spot. It's just wide enough for the two of us to curl up inside of it. The proximity to the edge of the cliff isn't exactly comforting, but I'm so exhausted I don't really care. The moment we're sitting down, I open my backpack and take out our water and the only fat fish we have left. It's at least a day old. By tomorrow, it will have gone bad. As for water, we have one bottle that's 2/3s full. I take a hearty sip and then hand it to Firth, who looks at it gratefully.

I break the fish in half and give him half of that too. We haven't had anything to eat all day and I know by now, he must be starving. To his credit, he takes the fish from me slowly and still manages to eat it civilly.

By the time we finish eating, it's completely dark. The moon offers us a little light but not much. The Panem anthem plays and the seal appears in the sky, but nothing else. Much as they Gamemakers may have tried, no one died today.

I tell Firth I don't see the need in sleeping shifts tonight. The alcove is covered by most sides. Someone would have to be wandering over to the edge of the cliff to find us, so I'm not worried about other tributes. And hopefully, watching our near drowning today was enough excitement for the audience and the Gamemakers won't interfere again. I could use at least one night of rest. I haven't slept much since Mar was my ally. I don't even know how long ago that was anymore.

"Hey Firth," I call into the darkness.

I know he's somewhere beside me, but I can't see him in the dark. The alcove isn't very big, though. I know if I were to reach one of my limbs out, I'd find him.

"Yeah?" he answers.

I can see the outline of his face now Half of it is illuminated in the moonlight. I roll onto my side so I can look at him while I talk.

"How long have we been in here?" I ask him quietly.

Firth blinks slowly, thinking. "I don't really know," he admits. "I lost count after a week. Maybe twelve or thirteen days?"

"It seems like longer," I whisper. I close my mouth right after to keep the sound of my chattering teeth from filling the alcove.

"How cold are you?" Firth asks quietly and I sigh. Clearly, I didn't do a very goo job of masking my freezing.

"I'm fine," I manage to say. "Fit as a fiddle."

"You're shivering," Firth says.

"No I'm not," I say, shivering.

I hear a scraping sound beside me and suddenly I feel Firth side pressed against me.

"Sleeping against someone helps keep you warm," Firth says. "Basic survival. You can sleep beside me if you need too. You won't get any funny business from me. I promise."

I raise my head to look him in the eye while I shiver. Even the slight contact we have now is helping tremendously.

"You really don't mind?" I ask.

Firth shakes his head. "Not in the slightest."

I know it might be crossing the line I drew in the sand earlier, but I'm so freezing I don't care. Firth lies flat on his back and I curl up on my side, pressed so close to him that there is no space between our bodies. He unzips his jacket and pulls it over my chest. Gingerly I rest my head on his arm. For a few minutes, neither of us move or speak. We're so still and so silent, it almost feels like we're not breathing. I know it's a uncomfortable position to be in. Lying against someone you barely know. It's especially uncomfortable after what happened this morning, but neither of us mention that. It's a testament to how much of a stand-up guy Firth is that he was still willing to help me out like this. He's better than I thought. That makes this whole thing so much worse.

After a minute, my teeth chattering stops and the shivering starts to subside too. The heat from Firth's body is doing wonders. I have to resist the urge to press my face deeper into his side. Eventually, I let out a sigh of relief as I finally feel a little warm.

"Better?" Firth asks quietly.

"Yes," I whisper. "Thank you. I know this can't be comfortable. I appreciate it."

"Trust me," Firth assures me. "I don't mind."

For a while we just lay there in silence. Neither of us knows what to say to the other. The sheer of act of lying here like this is so intimate, it's forcing all kids of harsh realities onto us. Ones we've made clear we aren't going to talk about.

"I keep thinking I should have let you kill Fane that night," Firth whispers.

I look up so I can see him in the eyes. "Why didn't you?"

Even in the dark I can see the blush that fills Firth's cheeks. He takes a second before he answers "Two reasons. The first, as much confidence as I have in your skill to kill Careers, the idea of you and Fane going head to head gave me a heart attack."

I let out a small laugh and so does Firth.

"I think I could take him," I say confidently.

"I happen to think so too, but I didn't really think it was worth the risk," He tells me. "That kid is menacing. Any guy with a pony tail like that is bad news."

We both laugh and I can hear the vibration in Firth's chest. After a second, we fall silent.

"What was the second reason?" I ask.

"What?"

"You said you had two reasons," I remind him. "You only told me one."

"Oh, right," Firth says quickly.

"Well?" I ask. "What was the second reason?"

Firth lets out a low sigh. "If I tell you, you have to promise you won't freak out like you did this morning okay? Because I'm too exhausted to go on another hiking excursion to avoid talking about things we don't want to talk about, okay?"

I'm suddenly very glad we're in the dark and Firth can't see my face, because I know I have gone bright red. I nod my head very slowly.

Firth sighs. "I was afraid that if we killed Fane, and made it to the top four, you might want to go off on your own, and I didn't want to separate yet."

So I was right. Firth didn't want to separate. He wanted the two of us to stay together.

"I wouldn't have left," I tell him. "We promised we'd stay together until top three."

"I didn't know if you meant that," he says quietly.

"I did," I assure him.

Firth doesn't move. "Well, that's good then."

"Yeah," I say quietly. "It is."

Neither of us say anything else after that. Eventually, Firth falls asleep and his quiet snoring fills the tiny alcove. It takes me longer to doze off. My mind is to alive to fall asleep. We're at top five. Five tributes left. Only two people have to die, before Firth and I separate. That's non-negotiable. I will not Firth and I be the last two tributes alive. It's too cruel.

Though, lying here beside him, it's impossible to imagine a world where this kind, charismatic person is dead and I get to live. Where the boy who keeps people from dying of hypothermia doesn't get to live, and the Career does. It doesn't seem fair. He deserves to win more than I do. And suddenly I realize, that when we get to top three I'm hoping I'm the one that gets slaughtered, and that's a very, very dangerous thought to have.

It's easy to forget lying here, that one of us is going to die. I have to decide who it would rather it be.

I have to decide if winning the Games is worth it.