Summary: Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

Disclaimer: Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do. Sadly, I also don't own "Don't You Want Me Baby." The Human League owns that one. Listen to it; it's an amazing song!

Queen's Quornor: So now it's Hojo's turn. I imagine some of you will be hunting me down with flamethrowers for this atrocity, but hey, I can't explain where I get these ideas. For some reason, I just got a vision of the esteemed professor on a stripper pole.

Caught! Hojo's Night Job

Hojo sincerely despised this job.

But he needed the income. He had a new project going on the side, and as it was unfunded by Shinra, he had to come up with the money however he could. Which had led him to this odious, but well-paying, job.

At least none of my collegues are here. They would not be caught dead in a place like this.

"Hey Hinman! You're up!"

Hojo pulled the thong out of its uncomfortable placement, and pulled on his false chest. As he was not a female, the owner of the club had been obliged to present him with a sequin-covered bra with silicone-filled false breasts in it. With some special tape, the item looked almost natural. The professor also let his hair out of its customary ponytail and changed his glasses with a pair of hated green contacts.

The results were surveyed in the mirror.

He looked like a woman.

Let's get this over with, he growled mentally, stalking out to the wing behind the stage. The blonde female currently on the neon floor finished her routine and pranced off the stage, blowing him a kiss as she did so. Hojo shuddered in revulsion; he had never liked females. Lucrecia he had only slept with because he predicted a child created with her would be the perfect scientific subject. And he had been right.

For that matter, he had never liked males either. People just annoyed him.

His music started up, and he sexily strolled out onto the stage and took the pole, wrapping one leg around it and beginning his number.

You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar when I met you. I picked you out, I shook you up and turned you around, turned you into someone new.

He ground his lower anatomy against the pole, eyes closed so he would not see the audience. He hated knowing that males were actually observing this.

Now five years later on you've got the world at your feet. Success has been so easy for you. But don't forget it's me who put you where you are now, and I can put you back down too.

He dropped to the ground and slowly rose back up, opening his eyes and licking his finger sexily while giving a come-hither look to one of the closer males. The man responded by setting some gil on the stage where Hojo could reach it.

Don't, don't you want me? You know I can't believe it when I hear that you won't see me. Don't, don't you want me? You know I don't believe you when you say that you don't need me! It's much too late to find you think you've changed your mind. You'd better change it back or we will both be sorry!

Now with both legs around the pole, he began sliding up and down it, almost as if it were a man and he a real female. Hojo could only do this a few times; he didn't have the arm strength to keep it up like some of the females could.

The males certainly appreciated it. More gil was thrown at him, along with a multitude of lupine whistles and some dirty shouts.

Don't you want me baby? Don't you want me, oh!
Don't you want me baby? Don't you want me, oh!

He slapped his ass and swung around the pole, leaning backwards so his hair flew out before yanking himself closer to the pole. Now with both feet firmly on the ground, he slid up and down its length while giving the males a sexy, longing look.

I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar. That much is true. But even then I knew I'd find a much better place, either with or without you.

He hated this job. Hated, loathed, despised, and was utterly revolted by it.

More gil landed on the stage. Looked as if the boy they kept for the sole purpose of gathering the gil would see work this night.

The five years we have had have been such good times. I still love you. But now I think it's time I lived my life on my own. I guess it's just what I must do.

Climbing the pole again, he humped the neon-glowing, bubble-filled plastic in time with the music. More whistles and obscene calls came his way.

Don't, don't you want me? You know I can't believe it when I hear that you won't see me. Don't, don't you want me? You know I don't believe you when you say that you don't need me.

It was almost over. Just a little longer…

It's much too late to find you think you've changed your mind. You'd better change it back or we will both be sorry!

He swung around the pole and dipped to the ground, straightening first his legs and then his back. More gil was thrown.

Don't you want me baby? Don't you want me, oh! Don't you want me baby? Don't you want me, oh! Don't you want me baby? Don't you want me, oh!
Don't you want me baby? Don't you want me, oh!

Then, from the back of the club, an incredulous cry arose.

"Hojo?!"

Still dancing, he quickly looked in the direction of the sharp-eyed male and thought something highly unscientific and inappropriate. Reno, Zack, and Sephiroth were seated at one of the tables in the back, all three of them with their jaws flat on the tablecloth.

He was outraged that his precious specimen should be in this locale, being corrupted by the Turk and the SOLDIER, but he could not afford to give away the fact that the redhead was correct. The crowd would be most upset to discover that they had been propositioning a man.

Completing his routine, he smiled and blew the trio a kiss, dancing off-stage and racing for his dressing room as soon as he was out of sight.

He would have this place fire-bombed as soon as he finished gathering his funds.