Chapter Nineteen

"What you said before, about me being safe as long as you're with me…"

"Yeah?"

"I think I believe you."

"Cas… that's great, really."

Something burned in Dean's chest, maybe it was pride or hope; but whatever it was, it was like a beam of light piercing the veil. Cas was starting to trust him, and Dean was beginning to believe that he might actually be able to set him free. Cas was sitting across from him, his hands fiddling obsessively with a little packet of sugar. Dean could tell it was hard enough for him to be saying any of this, let alone to have to look him in the eye and say it. He nodded slightly in timid recognition of Dean's praise, and after a few moments he continued, "I want to show you where I feel safest."

He hadn't been expecting that, and initially he was taken-aback, "w-what?"

Cas finally looked up at him, his brow pressed into a worried frown, "I want to show you my home."

It didn't slip Dean by that this was a huge step for Cas, in learning to trust someone again; he just couldn't believe it was happening so quickly, "are you sure?" They had been talking for a few months now, but they'd only been meeting like this for a few weeks.

He nodded, in no way was his face free from doubt, but he was obviously determined to do this. And who was Dean to stop him or tell him he wasn't ready?

"Alright then," he smiled reassuringly back at the blue-eyed-boy, "okay."

There was something about the smell in Cas' car that reminded him of home. He knew that that sounded stupid, but it didn't change the fact. Maybe he associated it with something so positive because it was the first real contact he'd had with Cas – when he had helped Jo patch up his car. Even if he hadn't really spoken to him. Thinking about things like that made it all the more bizarre, how he would retell these stories of people he had run into to Angel, and even when he had been referring to Cas, the presenter had played it cool. Angel had known so much longer who Dean was than Dean could've even suspected. And though he understood why, it still irked him that Angel hadn't nudged him towards the answer.

"I hope you like cats," Cas said, with more of a hint of what he had pictured Angel as before meeting Cas.

Dean shrugged with a smile, "I'm not opposed to them."

They pulled into quite a pleasant drive, walled in by finely trimmed bushes. He hadn't expected Cas to live in a place like this, but it made sense he supposed. If you only felt safe at home, you'd make it as close to perfect as you could. Everything was pristinely maintained, not even a hint of a cobweb or chipped paint, nothing out of place. It was so meticulously kept that Dean was almost afraid to get out of the car in case he ruined something.

Now it was Dean's turn to be timid, as he followed Cas, being so careful to not say or do anything that might upset the balance. So very aware that he was a guest here, and that this was a big deal for Cas, he didn't want to screw anything up.

"Balthy should be around here somewhere," Cas said a little absently as he turned a key in the door and led Dean inside. Everything about this place made him relax, the smell, the neutral colours, the simple décor. This wasn't a student's place, this was more like an interior decorators show-house.

"Wow…" he found himself saying, and out of the corner of his eye he could see Cas smiling.

He followed him up the stairs, and towards what he assumed would be Cas' bedroom. He heard a noise at his feet and looked down to see a fluffy little tabby twisting between his legs, big blue eyes reminiscent of Cas'. He knelt down to pet it, drifting his fingers softly through the kitten's fur, who moved its body in such a delicate way it made him feel like he was never really touching it. "You must be Balthy, little fella, huh?"

He heard a muffled snort from Cas and a voice behind Dean made him jump, "no, darling – I'm Balthy." Dean spun around wide-eyed, causing the cat to jump back, "honestly Cassy, bringing home strange men, it's so unlike you. I'm hurt."

Dean couldn't say anything, he was just staring at the slim, thickly-accented man towering above him as he remained in a frozen crouched position on the floor; all dramatic gestures and metrosexual clothing. He seemed to have some mental block then, like he couldn't quite process what was happening, not until Cas – "Cassy" – helpfully chirped in behind him, "Balthy this is Dean, Dean, Balthy."

Balthy seemed to force a smile, "it's a pleasure, Dean," he said, extending a hand. Maybe it was Dean's imagination, but he almost seemed to spit his name like it was some awful taste on his tongue. Perhaps because his name just wasn't as foreign and interesting as theirs seemed to be. Dean took his hand and shook it as he rose to his feet.

"Yeah, same," he said, unsurely. Cas chuckled behind him – it seemed like the further he got into this house the more at ease he became. This really was his safe-haven, and that was probably why he seemed like such a different person on the radio. Anna had told him that he broadcast from home before he had even plucked up the courage to call in, so it made sense. Michael had never stepped foot in this place, and Cas held it sacred because it hadn't been spoiled by the pain the man brought with him. "I didn't know you had a housemate," Dean said, looking at Cas over his shoulder, and dropping Balthy's hand.

"Flattering that you talk about me so much, Cas," the other man said, his voice dripping with sarcasm and Dean turned back to face him just in time to see his blank expression before he suddenly perked up, clapping his hands together and saying, "well, I'll leave you chaps to… whatever it is you're up to." He started to walk towards his own room before he turned with a wink, "don't do anything I wouldn't."

Dean almost couldn't hold off the look of disdain before the guy walked away. What a douchebag.

"Come on," Cas said, surprisingly light-hearted, but then maybe he was used to him coming out with demeaning quips.

He started to say, "How can you put up with that guy?" but he was cut-off midway when he entered Cas' room; almost like the breath was knocked out of his lungs. It was huge, not a thing out of place, but that wasn't what caused him to stop in his tracks – wall-to-wall, it was lined with vinyl's and old cassettes, CDs and posters. There was a wide desk by the wall that contained what he had to assume was the entirety of Cas' personal radio station, and all above it the wall was covered in polaroid pictures. He had retro tape-decks, radios and cameras lined along shelves on the other side. It was amazing.

"Cas…"

"You're not going to turn into one of those fangirls, are you?" he asked with a smile, and Dean couldn't help but grin back. "Well then, pick your jaw up off the floor and come in."

Dean tried to purse his lips but it spread into a smile all too quickly, and he stepped the rest of the way into the room, gingerly taking a seat on the bed. It was strange to admit, but this was more like the Cas he had imagined all of the those times. Much as he cared for the timid side he had seen so much more often, this was the part of him he had really wanted to find. And though he didn't want to be a fanboy, he couldn't help but feel a little giddy, because he was with Angel now.

"Your housemate's an ass," he stated out-rightly, not even slightly afraid that he might upset him, and it was nice to be so open with Cas without having to tiptoe around him, as if he might scurry away at the slightest noise.

"Yeah," Cas agreed with a smile, sitting back into the seat by his desk, "but he keeps me sane." In the name of contradicting himself, as he felt he so often did, Dean did think that it wouldn't be a good idea to ask if Balthy knew about Michael. He could pretty much gather that he didn't, but he didn't want to bring that guy up in the one place Cas was void of him.

"Fair enough."

Dean's eyes searched around the room, snagging on different artefacts from music history, album covers he recognised, and ones he didn't have a clue about. Dragging across books and posters, lingering on photos, and finally narrowing in on the computer screen behind Cas. He tilted his head slightly and his brow furrowed as he caught the title, "what's that?" he asked, confused. Cas seemed to go a little white as he realised what Dean was looking at and spun in the chair to try to close the window. Dean was already on his feet and behind Cas, leaning over his shoulder and reading the screen. And his frown bloomed into a smile, "were you reading fanfiction?" he asked, voice spilling with amusement, "Demon/Angel fanfiction?" He was laughing then, and Cas went a little red.

"I was just curious," he defended himself meagrely.

"Is that right?" Dean chuckled, reaching across him for the mouse to scroll through it, but Cas playfully pulled him away by his waist, they twisted in a way not dissimilar to kids play-fighting, but then suddenly stopped. Just an inch apart, eye-to-eye, and Dean's breath caught in his throat. It was the moment that came before a kiss, and for a moment neither seemed to realise, both set on instinct, but they froze just a breath apart. And suddenly all Dean could think of was his dream, and his eyes went a little wide. He stumbled back apologies melted somewhere in a sea of babble that erupted from his mouth as he looked everywhere but at Cas, who was doing much the same. He was back on the bed, facing away, and Cas was looking at the floor, and there was a silence. Dean could barely think, but after too-long he said, "shit, I'm sorry Cas."

And the other boy didn't reply.

It hit him that maybe he'd fucked it all up, not even just their relationship, or friendship, or co-dependency, whatever this was – but Cas' safeplace. Everything else was miniscule compared to that. If he'd ruined it… how could he ever forgive himself? He couldn't break one of the few things that gave him hope and peace; that would be like beating a puppy.

He heard a laugh behind him, something he had only really heard on the radio. It started quiet and grew into something musical and infectious; enough to make Dean turn in question.

"If this had been fanfiction, we'd both be on the bed right now," Cas explained between bouts of laughter, his eyes sparkling bright, and Dean couldn't help but feel relieved as he laughed too.