Called Out In The Dark

Chapter Twenty: Now You Find Yourself Alone Again

'I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed
Get along with the voices inside of my head
You're trying to save me, stop holding your breath
And you think I'm crazy.'

Eminem feat Rihanna: Monster.

Ash. Dull, grey ash. It coated the crumbling, torn houses; it lay like poisonous snow under her feet, it swirled up in the windy air like thunder clouds. Her home was nothing but ashes; reminding Katniss with every breath, every glance, every beat of her heart, that everything was dead here; that Gale was dead.

Ruin. That's what she saw. Ruin and loss and fear: this was what the Capitol had done to her hometown; to the innocent people she grew up around; to her best friend. This is what Snow would do to reign. Her vision became blurry as tears of fury burned her eyes. She finally moved, minutes after descending the craft, and she turned straight to Peeta. He opened his arms as she reached him and she stepped into his embrace.

"Katniss," Finnick called her name and Peeta released her so she could turn to the golden-haired Victor.

The cameras were on them and part of her felt disgusted that they would film hers and Peeta's raw grief. But she knew it would be useful; a weapon almost. She glanced around: by happenchance or by instruction, she didn't know, the Victors and tributes were all stood in a half-moon shape, with her at the centre. She turned to face Cressida as she filmed them all.

"The Capitol told you we were liars and murderers: that we would destroy you. President Snow is the liar- this is all his doing; the Games are all his doing. He will tear down every District- ruin and crush you all into ashes- to stop you from seeing him as the monster he is. Fight with us. Fight with me." The words, so eloquent and natural, seemed to flow out of her mouth like a melody. These were Gale's words, Katniss realised as Rue held her hand and the others all moved closer in.

"Fight with all of us," Peeta added, his voice pained but strong, "If we can join together- survivors of the Games, meant to die, meant to kill each other- than you can too. Look at your neighbouring districts and see not enemies but allies; friends. Join together and we can destroy the real enemy: the Capitol."

Katniss stared at him in wonder; Peeta was the master of words, of creating something with words. He glanced back at her, his eyes shining.

Finnick stepped forward, after a quick nod from Plutarch, "We are the rebellion and we are fighting to save Panem. Join us," Katniss looked straight on as Cressida moved so the camera panned across them all, "join the girl on fire. Save your families as she saved her sister."

There was a long pause until Plutarch nodded and Cressida stepped back from the camera, "Fantastic! You were fantastic! Back on the craft- we're done here!" he called, smiling round at all of them.

Everyone shuffled slightly but Katniss couldn't move. She didn't want to leave yet; she wanted to see what was left, if there was anything she could rescue. Peeta lightly touched her shoulder and she turned and saw the same pain in his eyes.

"You guys should take a few minutes," Johanna approached them, a softness in her movements and in her gaze that Katniss had never seen before. She reached around and pulled a gun from the back of her trousers and held it out to Katniss, "Take this though, just in case."

Katniss took it silently and she turned on her heel to walk off. Peeta was soon in step with her. She walked through the charcoal, ash streets, fighting off the lump in her throat. How could this have happened? Why would anybody do this to a whole town? She hated Snow, but this was more than that now; she understood that he had to die. Not because she hated him, but because this was what he was capable of. Peeta suddenly froze beside her with a groan and she spun around to face him, her gun automatically raised.

She lowered it immediately. The bakery. It was rubble. Oh god, she thought, Peeta's family. I've never even asked him about his family. She approached him slowly, feeling sick with guilt. He turned to face her, his clear blue eyes swimming with tears that slid down his face. They were both silent.

"They all died." He suddenly sobbed, turning back to face the crumbled leftovers of his home.

"Peeta, I'm so sorry," she whispered, touching his shoulder gently. It shook under her hand, his sobs wracking through him. "I'm so sorry."

They stayed this way for a minute longer until Peeta straightened up, wiped his face on his sleeve and said thickly, "Katniss, this isn't your fault."

She couldn't speak; she felt the guilt, the pain, the fury. "I'm sorry." It was all she could manage.

Peeta grabbed her hands in his, "This isn't your fault. You've lost your home too; you've lost Gale. We've all lost so much. But I know you're going to save us Katniss. I know it."

He was looking at her with the same intensity as he had done before the Games; as he had when they had allied with Rue in the arena; as he had in the District 12 safe house.

"Why are you so good Peeta? Why are you so good to me?"

He frowned slightly, "Don't you know?" His hands held hers slightly tighter.

She shook her head.

"I love you Katniss. I thought you knew that."

The world stopped. That was how it felt. She was completely stunned. Loved her? He loved her? It wasn't possible. "You don't know me." She hadn't meant to sound so blunt, so stupid.

Peeta laughed, "I've known you since we were 5 Katniss; since you wore your hair in two braids and sung in school assembly. I've known you every day Katniss. You've just never known me before." He let go of her hands gently. "It's ok. I know you don't feel the same, I thought, maybe when you kissed me…"

Katniss flushed, embarrassed and guilty again. She had kissed him. She had forgotten.

Peeta shrugged awkwardly, "But it's fine Katniss. I understand." He smiled gently at her. Then he sucked in a deep breath and his face became serious, "But I want you to know that I don't trust Cato. And I think you should be careful. There's something odd about him being here, about him not sneaking off to leave; not caring his parents are back in the Capitol…don't you remember how he treated you before the Games begun?" he looked at her in an odd mix of an imploring and disbelieving manner. She didn't have time to reply – her anger was churning in her gut, but she was still too shocked to say anything- when he added, "Because I do. And he hated you Katniss. He was obsessed with you and he wanted you dead." With that – a final warning in his voice- Peeta turned on his heels and walked back towards the craft.

Katniss stared after him. She felt like he had picked her and shaken her upside down so that her thoughts were rattling in her head in no order. Nothing made sense; she couldn't fathom any of it. He loved her? He didn't trust Cato? Cato wanted her dead? She couldn't really believe any of it. The ashy remains of District 12 felt so wrong, so surreal; none of this could be real. None of it. Not the Games, not Gale, not Peeta, not Cato… her knees shook under her and she fell down to them, hardly noticing how hard they hit the floor, or that her hands had automatically braced under her, sinking into the ash.

She stayed there for a while, gasping for breath. Something was very wrong; Peeta had to be wrong about Cato. He had to be. Her mind reminded her of how he had threatened her in the elevator; grabbed her at the results; stalked her through the Games. But it had made some sense to her: all of it then and all of it now, she had felt the same as Cato the whole time; the same anger, fear, hatred and confusion. But it had become more than that when they had survived together, not killed each other. Peeta was wrong. Cato wasn't what he thought. She wasn't what he thought. She sat up on her heels, lifting her hands from the ash and staring at her coated palms. She realised with a sudden jolt that Peeta had said Cato's parents were back at the Capitol. Cato hadn't told her that; no one had. Why? Why were they there? Why was Cato here? He had told her on the craft; kissed her. But he had never really answered. Her stomach begin to churn again as her mind recalled Snow's message- that Cato and Clove had been together- and how he had suddenly agreed to help after that clip. Why? Why? What was happening? Was Peeta right? Her mind rolled; her heart pounded against her chest painfully, her throat constricted. He couldn't be right. Cato was on their side; he was on her side.

But the doubt that Peeta had given her was palpable now and she threw up on the ashy ground in front of her. Everything was wrong.

She couldn't have been there long but it felt like hours.

"Katniss!" someone was calling her name. She looked up from the pile of cloyed, drying sick and stared numbly.

"For fuck sake, what are you…" Johanna trailed off, staring at the tear tracks on Katniss' face, the sick, the ash she had on her hands and smeared on her face from where she had wiped at it. Johanna froze. She stepped around the sick and grabbed Katniss under the arms and hauled her up gently. "Fucking hell. Let's go." Her voice was sharp, but Katniss- in her numb daze- noticed that Johanna's arm around her waist was gentle and her other hand was rubbing Katniss' back soothingly as they walked.

Katniss barely knew what she was doing: her mind had gone completely blank, her body on autopilot. Being here, seeing 12, Peeta's words: it had ruined her. Johanna didn't ask what happened as she lead Katniss back and she barked at the others- panicked and fluttering around them- to give her space as she stationed Katniss at the end of the craft, strapped her in her seat and sat next to her.

The ride back to 11 was completely silent, but the whole time Katniss could feel Cato's eyes on her.

Thanks for all the reviews!

sundragons9- It is so weird and prophetic that you mentioned the incident at the results before this chapter. I read the latest reviews just before updating and couldn't believe it; I've been waiting for Peeta's opportunity to reveal these issues and you kind of beat me to it! :)