May 1993-September 1993

Her days post college were spent in that fancy apartment. Barry enrolled in the Stony Brook School of Dental Medicine and after a graduation trip to Spain, Barry got to work. He was gone all day and studied hard at nights. Her days were spent shopping, spending the day in the city with Brian or watching soap operas. There were lunches with Joanne, Kiki, Leslie and Melissa. Rachel still hung out with Sharon, Mindy and Nancy and she never mentioned what she saw Barry and Mindy doing. Her days were spent not doing much. There were still trips, a Thanksgiving dinner at The Lake House with her family and Barry's and Christmas and New Years in Vail and as she rang 1993 with Barry by her side. But as 1993 began, she found herself getting restless. She was bored. Incredibly bored. She wanted to do something, wanted to accomplish something. She thought about getting a job, but she wasn't sure. Her twenty third birthday was in that fancy apartment. She was happy that Brian had decided to join them. They sat together in the midst of the party, sipping champagne and watching as everyone else mingled. Rachel especially paid attention to Barry and Mindy who seemed to be mingling closer than anyone.

"They look like a couple and why am I not more pissed?" Rachel asked.

"So one year out of college….how do you rate it?" Brian asked, ignoring Rachel's previous remark.

"I don't know….I don't how I'm going to do this for the rest of my life."

"Break free and come live with me."

"Come out of the closet," Rachel whispered. "That would be the best birthday gift ever."

"Yeah, that's why I'll do it...to make you happy," Brian said, sipping his wine.

"We make our choices. Right?" Rachel asked.

"Yeah...this just seems boring. It's like you're in a cage."

"Rachel, come here for a second," Barry said walking towards them. She looked at him as he grabbed her hand and pulled her off the couch. She followed him as they walked out onto the balcony, the air was starting to get a little cooler and Barry seemed a little nervous.

"What's going on?" Rachel asked.

"Okay, you know how I said give me a year of being in med school and then we'll get engaged?"

"Yes," Rachel said.

"It's been a year. Hasn't it been an amazing year?"

"Sure. I mean...I've accomplished nothing, but okay."

"Are you joking? You decorated this apartment. This is all you but it's been a year and now...Rachel Green, will you marry me?"

"Oh, G-d."

Barry pulled a box out of his back pocket and opened it. It was a gorgeous French set diamond halo band ring. She could barely breathe as she stared at it. She looked back into the apartment and there were Mindy, Sharon, Nancy, Melissa, Kiki, Joanne, Leslie and their respective guys staring at them, smiling at her. She noticed Brian sitting on the couch, staring at her, eyebrows raised. She could say no, she could leave but she couldn't. She couldn't say no. If she said no, everything would be gone. Her life would be gone. She couldn't live with Brian, that would be too awkward. She had no other friends in the city. Monica would probably not take her in and probably Ross wouldn't either.

"Yes," she squeaked out.

"Yes?"

"Yes," Rachel said as Barry slid the ring on to her finger. They shared a kiss before walking back into the party to announce their engagement and she was happy, she was or at least tried to be. She smiled, went through every emotion required to be happy and she was...it was a nice ring.

When Brian decided to leave, Rachel walked with him downstairs. She knew he was mad although she wasn't sure he had the right to be. As they walked outside towards his car, he said nothing.

"Brian, can you stop," Rachel said as he kept walking ahead of her. He stopped and turned towards her.

"Happy birthday and happy wedding."

"Thank you and hey, now, we will officially be family."

"Great."

"Why aren't you happy?" Rachel asked.

"Because that is not what you want," Brian said.

"How do you know?" Rachel asked, starting to get angry, "how do you know what I want?"

She was really starting to hate it when people seemed to know what she wanted and she was especially hating when Brian said it.

"Because you spent the entire year being bored."

"Now I have a wedding to plan and you know what? How dare you criticize my choices? You can't even tell your own family that you are gay."

"Do you have a clue what would happen if I did? They would disown me, Rachel."

"You don't know that."

"I know that."

"So okay then it's better for your family to believe that I'm some skank who is banging her boyfriend's brother?" Rachel asked.

"Fiancee," Brian corrected.

"Shut up. This is so not fair, do not judge me. You have no right to judge me."

"You don't want this. You want to work in fashion. Stand up for yourself."

"Come out of the goddamned closet. I mean, come on you are going to be twenty six years old and I have been having this same argument with you for too long and you and everyone else needs to just stop, stop telling me what I want or what I should do with my life. I do love your brother, Brian. He protects me, he loves me and if I marry him, I will be very happy. Okay, yes, designing clothes is a lot of fun but you know how hard that would be to succeed in?"

"So you're gonna be a coward and not pursue it."

"Oh, don't you fucking dare...you wanna talk about being a coward? Your brother is in our apartment, go tell him you are gay. Don't tell me I'm a coward because you're the biggest coward I've ever met. You escaped to the city and you can't even come clean about who you are to your own family."

"I'll see you around, Rach," Brian said as he turned and got into his car and drove off. Rachel felt her heart break as Brian disappeared down the street. She felt tears fill her eyes as she started to cry. She didn't want him to leave and she felt sad, so sad that he was leaving. She wanted him to stay but she was angry, so angry. She soon gathered herself and walked back upstairs to her friends. She was engaged. She should be happy.

She had decided that Mindy should be her maid of honor, although she wasn't sure why. Perhaps it was because Mindy was Barry's second favorite. The other woman should be the maid of honor. She decided her bridal party should be Melissa, Kiki, Joanne, Leslie, Sharon, Nancy and her sisters, Jill and Amy. She had thought of reaching out to Monica but thought she shouldn't. She figured Monica wouldn't have gone anyway.

She threw herself into planning but as she was planning her wedding, she kept thinking of Brian. After their fight, she tried calling but he never called back. At first it upset her but then she started to get worried. Barry didn't seem too upset but she was. It worried her, it worried her so much that she decided to go to his apartment to check on him. It was the middle of June when she went to his apartment. She hadn't spoken to Brian in a month and a half, no one had and she felt it strange that she was the only one concerned. She found a spot to park and walked towards his building and buzzed. When he didn't answer, she waited until someone opened the door. Something in her made her nervous. She felt she needed to get to his apartment. Her palms started sweating and her heart was racing. She ran up the stairs to his door and started to pound on it. No one answered. She looked around and around, unable to wait. She raced downstairs and went to find the super's apartment. She found it and immediately started sobbing and she wasn't sure why. She wasn't sure where these tears were coming from just this fear that she needed to get in that apartment.

When the door was opened, her eyes widened and she covered her hand with her mouth. She saw Brian's legs on the floor and ran to him. There was an empty bottle of pills on the floor next to him and his face was bluish.

"Oh, G-d, oh, G-d, Oh G-d, no, no, no, no," Rachel cried, she heard the super say something about calling 9-1-1 and she grabbed Brian, grabbed him and held him in her arms. She was sobbing, heaving, she couldn't speak, just sobbing. Soon, she heard voices around her. She felt someone grab her and hold her back. She looked and noticed paramedics and she began screaming. It was a scream that seemed like it came from somewhere else.

Barry and Barry's parents arrived at the apartment. Barry walked towards Rachel and wrapped his arms around her. She was shaking, sobbing.

"Rach, it's….it's going to be okay," Barry whispered. Rachel looked at him, that was a strange thing to say.

"No, it's not. It's not going to be okay. It's all my fault."

"How is it your fault? Did you break up with him?" Barry asked with a tiny grin. Rachel gasped when he said that, staring at him, disgusted.

"Are you kidding me?"

"I'm sorry."

"No, your brother was gay," Rachel said, figuring it didn't matter anymore.

"What?"

"He was gay. We did not hook up because he was gay. I knew but he did not tell you or your parents because he was afraid."

"That's not true."

"It's true. I was the only one who knew."

"Then why didn't you tell me?" Barry asked.

"Because it's not my secret to tell. G-d, why did you do this Brian? Why?" Rachel asked, crying. Everything just seemed to move in one blur. The paramedics took Brian's body away and the apartment was soon empty. There were voices around her, people talking and giving instructions.

She wasn't sure how she got home, she wasn't sure if she drove or if someone drove her but soon she was in her bed, curled up and crying. She eventually felt Barry lie down next to her, wrapping his arms around her.

"I'm sorry, Rachel," Barry said.

"Me too and maybe I should have said something," Rachel said, turning over and looking at him.

"No, no...I should have talked to him. I should've….known….I don't know."

"Barry, we have to talk. If we get married, we need to talk, we need to be honest."

"I know."

"I've cheated on you," Rachel said.

"In Las Vegas?"

"Yes….and I caught you and Mindy during the luau senior year," Rachel said.

"I'm sorry. I don't love Mindy though, I love you. Rachel, I've loved you since I met you. Please be my wife."

"I will….but no more cheating, no more drama."

"No more."

Rachel continued crying as Barry held on to her. This was not what she wanted. She wanted Brian to help her pick wedding dresses with her and be at the wedding with her. He was her family, the one she loved and now he was gone. It was too much.

Losing Brian began to plant a seed in her brain. Burying him, saying goodbye to her partner in crime made her yearn for something else. They had always talked about how they were both in a figurative prison and Brian was unable to leave his, it was too much but maybe she could leave her's. Maybe she could go outside Long Island. Maybe she could finish what he wanted for her to finish...maybe for Brian, she could finally leave. Rachel knew she always loved Brian more than Barry, maybe she was marrying Barry because she couldn't marry Brian.

In the days after the funeral, she still felt like someone had broken her. Her mom had suggested trying on wedding dresses but planning just seemed to be put on hold. She really lost interest in doing anything related to the wedding. Most of summer was spent just going through her days as if in some sort of daze. She felt like she was dreaming.

By September of 1993, she was back to being alone most of the time. Barry went back to start his second year of med school and she spent her days watching television and she reading. Her friends tried to get her to go out but she didn't really care to go out. One night in September, her phone rang. She had been sitting on her couch, looking through a magazine when she reached for the phone.

"Hello?" Rachel asked. There was silence on the other side and there was a small part of her that hoped it was Brian. "Hello?"

"Rachel….it's Monica."

Her heart felt a little lighter at that moment. She had not heard from Monica in so long. She wanted to cry again. She wanted to reach through the phone and grab Monica.

"Hey...hi, Monica. How-how are you?"

"I'm alright. I heard you're engaged."

She wondered how Monica knew that although it didn't matter. It was her old friend.

"Yeah...it'll be great. He's a doctor."

"Like you always wanted."

"Exactly what I wanted….so what's-what-what's new?" Rachel asked. She didn't want to talk about Barry. She didn't want to discuss him at all.

"I'm living in the city. Right on Bedford. Chandler is my neighbor."

"Hmmm….he's still alive?" Rachel asked and quickly shook her head. She hated herself for asking that. Of course he was still alive, if he wasn't, that would be awful….she didn't want any more death.

"Very much so," Monica said.

"Sorry. Sorry...I just….yeah..I'm engaged."

"I know. When's the wedding?"

"Next September. Mindy is my maid of honor and Nancy is a bridesmaid and some friends of mine from college are bridesmaids too and….it'll be fun. Weddings are fun," Rachel said, hoping to sound excited.

"You okay?"

No, she wanted to scream into the phone. No, she wasn't okay. She had screwed everything up. Nothing was how it was supposed to be.

"Yeah….I miss you," Rachel said, wanting to say so much more but what could she say? She had given up on that friendship. She had ended it. Monica had moved on.

"I miss you too," Monica said. "Do you have a pen and paper nearby?"

"Yeah, yes….hold on, okay...I can't invite you to my wedding."

What the hell was wrong with her? Why was she telling Monica this? What was the point of telling Monica that? She really was a horrible person.

"I understand-"

"No, it's not-it's just-"

"I understand but here is my address and my phone number, if you ever need anything, you know where to find me."

"Thank you, Monica," Rachel said as she wrote the address down. She would keep that. Monica was reaching out, she needed Monica. Needed her so badly.

"You're an idiot, Rach."

Rachel couldn't help but smile at that...if only Monica knew.

"I know….but you still love me, right?"

"And I'm not sure why," Monica said. That made Rachel feel so much better, Monica still liked her, still wanted her in her life.

"Thanks. I should go," Rachel said.

"Yeah….you know, Ross got married."

"He did?" Rachel asked, she had heard he may have gotten married.

"Yeah….but we think his wife is a lesbian."

"Oh. Well, that kinda sucks," Rachel said, feeling for Ross.

"Yeah, it does," Monica said, laughing a little.

"Okay, well I should go but thank you. I miss you….I might have a Twinkie in my pantry tonight and think of you."

"Awwww, well that's sweet," Monica said.

"Monica?"

"Yeah?"

"How are you?"

"I'm good. I still love you, Rach."

"I love you too," Rachel said before the two hung up. She held that address in her hand, that phone number and she wondered if that could be her out. Her ticket out of her prison. Maybe.

The next morning, Barry left for school and Rachel was home. She made herself breakfast and turned on the television, going through the channels. She stopped when she landed on a roadrunner cartoon. She watched as that damn coyote ran off the cliff and she could feel herself actually smiling. She thought of Chandler. He wasn't that bad. He was funny. She had been cruel to him, he had no clue what she had gone through, he didn't know about the abortion. He didn't know any of that and she had been so angry at him, so furious. He did nothing wrong….okay that prank was mean but it was actually kind of stupid and it was just peanut butter. She slashed his tires and poured booze on his car. She had put pills in his car...he popped pills like Brian. What Chandler killed himself in the same way Brian had, with pills? She wouldn't be able to live with herself if that was the case. He needed to be okay. He needed to be healthy. She needed to see him. She needed to see Monica.

That night, she drove to the address Monica had given her. Barry had a late class and she decided maybe she'd go. She drove up to the apartment and she saw Monica and Ross in the bar underneath the building. Ross seemed sad and Monica was near him. She noticed Chandler standing with a very good looking guy with black hair and a beautiful tall blonde, they were laughing about something and playing pool. She kept her eyes on Chandler. He looked healthy, alive, cute. Monica looked beautiful too...they both looked healthy. Soon, Monica and Ross joined Chandler and the other two. They were all cracking up about something and it killed Rachel. She could walk in there but would they even want to see her? She had done too much damage. They would not want her there and Monica had moved on. Maybe that blonde was her roommate or maybe she was dating Chandler or that hot guy. Maybe she had made her choice. She quickly turned her car around and drove off. Maybe Brian was right….she was the coward. She pushed everyone away.